Feed aggregator

Laid-Back Dad Just Wants New Pair Of Brandless Aviators He Got At Omaha Gas Station In 1993 For Father’s Day

The Onion - Fri, 2021-06-18 08:00

BEAVERCREEK, OH—Stressing he did not need anything fancy, local laid-back dad Mark McNaren told his family Friday that he just wanted a new pair of the brandless aviators he got at an Omaha gas station back in 1993 for Father’s Day. “You know, what I’d really love is a pair of those shades we got at that filling…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Study Finds American Women Delaying Motherhood Because The Whole Thing Blows

The Onion - Fri, 2021-06-18 08:00

ANN ARBOR, MI—Having determined through empirical research that childrearing is bullshit and totally not worth it, a study published Friday by sociologists at the University of Michigan found that a growing number of American women are delaying motherhood because the whole thing blows. “Our research indicates that…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Texas Congressman Suggests Altering Moon’s Orbit To Fight Climate Change

The Onion - Fri, 2021-06-18 08:00

Texas GOP Rep. Louie Gohmert suggested in a recent congressional hearing that altering the moon’s orbit could combat climate change, asking a U.S. Forest Service official whether there was any way the agency could do it. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘Loki’ Fan Loves How Show Contains So Many References To Loki

The Onion - Fri, 2021-06-18 08:00

KISSIMMEE, FL—Expressing his enthusiasm over the Disney+ series, area Loki fan Kent Milner told reporters Friday that he loved how the show contained so many references to Loki. “It’s a real treat for MCU fanatics like myself to see the creators include so many subtle nods to the Asgardian God of Mischief in the…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

CEO Of Troubled Company Accepts Full Compensation For His Mistakes

The Onion - Fri, 2021-06-18 08:00

NEW YORK—Saying he was “ready to own it,” Dan Burnside, departing CEO of the troubled Fortune 500 company Adelwright Industries, announced Friday he would be accepting full compensation for mistakes he made that jeopardized the business. “I stand before you today humbled by my past missteps, and in order to make…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Scorching Heat Wave Causes Unsightly Blisters To Bubble Up Across Southwest

The Onion - Fri, 2021-06-18 08:00

SANTA FE, NM—Advising residents to avoid prolonged outdoor activity, the National Weather Service reported Friday that a scorching heat wave had caused unsightly blisters to bubble up across the American Southwest. “Although the region is known for its flare-ups this time of year, these are some of the most…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

New MLB.TV Ad Campaign Reminds Subscribers They Can Share Log-In Info With Whoever They Want

The Onion - Fri, 2021-06-18 08:00

NEW YORK—Worried that people might think they would get in trouble or be blocked from using the service, a new MLB.TV ad campaign launched Friday reminding subscribers they can give away their log-in information to any number of people they want. “Seriously, look, give it to your dad, give it to your friend, we don’t…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Shopper Struggling To Find Father’s Day Card That Doesn’t Use Word ‘Love’

The Onion - Fri, 2021-06-18 08:00

DURHAM, NC—Growing increasingly desperate as she progressed further and further down the store aisle, local woman Chelsea Paxton was reportedly struggling to find a Father’s Day card Friday that didn’t use the word “love.” “This one just says ‘Thanks for everything’ inside, which is vague and brief like I wanted, but…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Tesla Blames User Error For Car Sealing Off Windows, Suffocating Owner Alive

The Onion - Fri, 2021-06-18 08:00

PALO ALTO, CA—Claiming the brand was faultless if drivers were not fully engaged while at the wheel, Tesla CEO Elon Musk blamed user error Friday after cars reportedly began sealing off windows and suffocating their owners alive. “Unfortunately, while it’s a rare and preventable tragedy, many people are not prepared…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Algeria: Trade unionists have been released from jail - thanks to you

LabourStart - Thu, 2021-06-17 20:00
LabourStart headline - Source: LabourStart

Global: World Refugee Day: Education unions stand with refugee students and educators

LabourStart - Thu, 2021-06-17 20:00
LabourStart headline - Source: Education International

Global: ILO: Stop treating thugs and outlaws as legitimate

LabourStart - Thu, 2021-06-17 20:00
LabourStart headline - Source: BWI

Lebanon: Workers stage ​general strike over escalating crises

LabourStart - Thu, 2021-06-17 20:00
LabourStart headline - Source: Independent

Guy Who Took Job Making Barrels In 1400s Didn’t Mean For That To Become Family’s Identity For Next 25 Generations

The Onion - Thu, 2021-06-17 15:25

FREE CITY OF LUBECK, HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE—Apologizing for not thinking five centuries ahead when looking for a job, local townsfolk Eldwin Walfridsson told sources Thursday he did not intend on taking work as a barrel maker in 1471 to become his family’s entire identity for the next 25 generations. “I just needed a few…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Used Car Prices Soar After The Old Girl Makes It To Yellowstone Without Breaking Down Once

The Onion - Thu, 2021-06-17 14:15

NEW YORK—Crediting the spike to millions of Americans suddenly deciding to hold onto their aging vehicles a little longer, financial analysts reported that used car prices hit another new record Thursday after the old girl made it clear up to Yellowstone National Park without a single breakdown. “Demand for pre-owned…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Juneteenth Becomes Federal Holiday

The Onion - Thu, 2021-06-17 14:14

President Biden has signed the Juneteenth National Independence Day Act, making June 19 a federal holiday to commemorate the day in 1865 when the last enslaved African Americans in Texas were granted their freedom. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Prize Fighter

The Onion - Thu, 2021-06-17 12:27
Categories: The Onion

Vacationing Steph Curry Absolutely Gnawing On Snorkel

The Onion - Thu, 2021-06-17 12:15

NASSAU, BAHAMAS—Wadding up half his face mask into a wet mound of plastic, vacationing scuba divers off the coast of a Caribbean resort reported Thursday that NBA star Steph Curry was just absolutely gnawing on his snorkel. “This is just nasty. We’re trying to explore this beautiful reef, but it’s so distracting…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion
Syndicate content