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- UK: This summer's strikes are already working - unions, set your sights even higher
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U.S. Sees Surge In STI Cases
According to new CDC data, the U.S. saw a sustained surge in STIs in 2021, with syphilis rates increasing by 26%, prompting health officials to call for new prevention and treatment efforts. What do you think?
Luka Doncic Spends Offseason Adding New Complaints To Repertoire
DALLAS—Telling reporters about the adjustments he had made to his game over the summer, Dallas Mavericks point guard Luka Doncic confirmed Monday that he spent his offseason adding a variety of new complaints to his repertoire. “The offseason is about looking for ways to improve, so I’ve been really working hard on…
Mercedes Addresses Nazi Contributions With Reminder That Third Reich Had Notoriously High Standards
STUTTGART, GERMANY—Acknowledging an unsavory blemish in the company’s history, Mercedes-Benz released a statement Tuesday that addressed its contributions to the Nazi war effort with a reminder that the Third Reich had notoriously high standards for quality engineering. “We unequivocally apologize for our cooperation…
England Exits Somber Mourning Period To Resume Joyless Normalcy
LONDON—Following Queen Elizabeth II’s funeral and her people’s farewell to their longest-serving monarch, sources confirmed Monday that England had begun exiting its somber mourning period in order to resume its regular joyless normalcy. When Elizabeth passed on Sept. 8, English citizens reportedly paused their…
Review: Lady Killer, by Ed McBain
This, the eighth book in the legendary 87th Precinct series, was written over the course of just nine days, according to author Ed McBain. It’s a concise, tense account of just a few hours in the lives of the detectives who have to find a man who has threatened to kill “The Lady” at eight o’clock that night. Because it’s a police procedural, a genre of crime fiction that McBain basically invented, it’s full of the painstaking detail that would be involved for a real police force — though one has to wonder if the simple arrival of a threatening note at a police station would trigger such a large scale manhunt. As always in these books, weather plays an important role, and as the cops pound the hot streets for hours, walking up steaming staircases in tenements, one feels real relief when finally air conditioning appears at one point in the story. The mystery of who is the intended target (“The Lady”) is revealed at the end, and you’ll be the judge of whether it is convincing. For me, not so much.
Putin Stays Up Late Constantly Refreshing Website For Results From Rigged Elections
MOSCOW—Clicking back and forth between the open tabs on his web browser, Russian President Vladimir Putin reportedly stayed up late Friday night, constantly refreshing a website to check for results from a rigged referendum to determine whether occupied areas of Ukraine would join Russia. “I already know what’s going…
U.N. Mysteriously Disappears After Criticizing Russia
NEW YORK—Expressing shock and outrage at the sudden end to the General Assembly’s 2022 session, sources reported Friday that the United Nations had mysteriously disappeared after criticizing Russia. “U.S. intelligence assets received no warning that U.N. Headquarters in Manhattan would vanish completely and without a…
GOP Congressional Candidate Says U.S. Suffered From Women’s Suffrage
Michigan GOP congressional candidate, John Gibbs, reportedly started a self-described “think tank” while in college, called the Society for the Critique of Feminism, that argued women’s suffrage negatively impacted the country and that women should not vote or work outside the home. What do you think?
Child Not Talented Enough Artist To Get Across Homicidal Ideations
TULSA, OK—After the drawing he made of a sinister killer wielding a knife came out looking more like a smiling kid holding a banana, it became apparent Friday that local 8-year-old Brandon McHurst simply wasn’t talented enough as an artist to convey his homicidal ideations. “I really like this one, Brandon—what gave…
The Pros And Cons Of Fast Fashion
Fast fashion, the trend of clothing producers replicating high-fashion designs and selling them at lower prices, has grown in recent years to become a nearly $100 billion industry, and some have criticized its consequences. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of fast fashion.
Frontier Strikes Get First Aid Kits Updated, Win Back Work
“Safety first” is a principle you’ll always hear on the job. And it’s true—safety can save your life, if it’s taken seriously. But if action isn’t taken, it’s just an empty phrase.
When my co-workers and I took action over safety in our workplace, we were retaliated against. This triggered the most useful tool that we have as workers: a strike.
Frontier Strikes Get First Aid Kits Updated, Win Back Work
“Safety first” is a principle you’ll always hear on the job. And it’s true—safety can save your life, if it’s taken seriously. But if action isn’t taken, it’s just an empty phrase.
When my co-workers and I took action over safety in our workplace, we were retaliated against. This triggered the most useful tool that we have as workers: a strike.
NASA Announces Mars Rover Ran Into Jason Schwartzman But Didn’t Take Any Pictures Because It Didn’t Want To Be Weird
Niemann Cheating Scandal Spirals Out Of Control As Magnus Carlsen’s Rook Found Dead
OSLO, NORWAY—In a dramatic escalation of a story that has gripped the chess world for weeks, the Hans Niemann cheating scandal reportedly spiraled out of control Friday as one of Magnus Carlsen’s longtime rooks was found shot dead in an Oslo alleyway. “At this time we are investigating this as a premeditated…
Chicago Constructs $33 Million Replica Of Justice System To Train Police In Tactical Jail Evasion
CHICAGO—Arguing that the facility could potentially help officers avoid countless years in prison, the City of Chicago reportedly constructed a $33 million replica of the justice system Friday to train police in tactical jail evasion. “With this state-of-the-art training facility, officers will be taught the latest,…
Experts Recommend Americans Prepare 2-3 Dance Moves In Case Excited Circle Forms Around Them
WASHINGTON—Saying those unable to execute a satisfying dance sequence posed a severe threat to the vibe, experts from the Department of Health and Human Services recommended Friday that every American have two to three moves prepared in the event an excited circle of clapping people formed around them. “If any…
Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson
This November, Sen. Ron Johnson will face reelection in the state of Wisconsin. The Onion asked Wisconsinites why they are voting for the two-term Republican, and this is what they said.
48 Charged For Stealing $250 Million In Pandemic Funds Meant To Feed Needy Children
United States authorities charged 48 people in Minnesota with conspiracy and other counts in what they said Tuesday was the largest pandemic-related fraud scheme yet, stealing $250 million from a federal program that provides meals to low-income children. What do you think?