Dave Barry

A big thumbs up from the body parts beat

Dave Barry - Mon, 2014-09-15 03:01

Get out the cocktail wieners and settle back for a pleasant ''read,'' because it's time for our fun feature, ''Body Parts Making the News.''

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A brush with gardening

Dave Barry - Mon, 2014-09-08 00:00

It will probably come as no surprise to you that I got the idea of painting my lawn from an agency of the federal government. <p/>When I say "painting my lawn, " I don't mean my whole lawn. I just mean this one circular spot that suddenly, mysteriously turned brown, as though it had been visited by a small UFO or a large dog.

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The hair apparent

Dave Barry - Mon, 2014-08-25 03:00

I have a letter here from Mrs. Belle Ehrlich, of San Jose, Calif., who feels I should get a new hairdo. To quote her directly: "I enjoy reading most of your columns . . . but your hairdo in your photo sure looks DATED and NOT at all flattering or becoming, to say the least. If you are still sporting that awful hairdo, I suggest you go to a good hair stylist to give you a new and better hairdo. I hope you don't mind my criticism, it's nothing personal -- just a suggestion."

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Commencement

Dave Barry - Mon, 2014-08-18 01:00

We're taking our son, Robby, to his first day of kindergarten. He is being Very Brave. So are we.

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Driving while stupid

Dave Barry - Mon, 2014-08-11 03:01

So I have to tell you what I saw on the interstate the other night. First, though, you must understand that this was not just any old interstate. This was I-95 in downtown Miami, proud home of the worst darned drivers in the world.

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Summer time and the living is frightening

Dave Barry - Mon, 2014-08-04 03:01

This is a special time of year, as expressed so poetically in the lyrics to the haunting song <em>Summertime</em> from <em>Porgy and Bess</em>: <br /> <p/><em>Summertime, and the livin' is easy <br /> Fish are jumpin'<br /> And gettin' lodged in the throats of fisherpersons</em>

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Sock it to `em, sartorially

Dave Barry - Mon, 2014-07-28 03:01

This topic was suggested by a letter from John Cog of Norfolk, Va. Here's the entire text: ''How come when I'm standing in front of a full-length mirror with nothing on but socks, white socks look OK, but dark-colored socks make me look cheap and sleazy?''

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A fuelish summer trip

Dave Barry - Mon, 2014-07-21 03:01

It's time for our annual Dream Summer Vacation Guide, wherein we reveal our list of ''special'' travel destinations that you will not hear about from the other travel writers, because they have standards.

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Dave meets the death tree

Dave Barry - Mon, 2014-07-14 00:00

There is a simple explanation for why I wound up dangling from a rope 75 feet in the air over a beaver dam somewhere in Idaho: I was a house guest.

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Heaven (Hell) on Earth

Dave Barry - Sun, 2014-07-06 04:00

<em>This Dave Barry column was originally published November, 1994 in Tropic Magazine</em>

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All fired up for the Fourth

Dave Barry - Mon, 2014-06-30 00:00

This year, why not hold an old-fashioned Fourth of July Picnic? Food poisoning is one good reason. After a few hours in the sun, ordinary potato salad can develop bacteria the size of raccoons. But don't let the threat of agonizingly painful death prevent you from celebrating the birth of our nation, just as Americans have been doing ever since that historic first July Fourth when our Founding Fathers - George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, Bob Dole and Tony Bennett - landed on Plymouth Rock.

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Why sports is a drag

Dave Barry - Mon, 2014-06-23 00:00

Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, dating back to the time, millions of years ago, when the first primitive man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first primitive umpire. What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as mine.

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Discover your house

Dave Barry - Mon, 2014-06-16 01:00

Summer vacation season is here, and if you have kids, you know what that means! It's time to put them up for adoption.

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In short, a perfect day

Dave Barry - Sun, 2014-06-08 03:01

Father's Day is coming, and millions of children and/or wives are thinking: ''This year, I think I'll get Dad a nice casual shirt.''

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Why the NBA isn't as offensive as you think: A primer on the brutal art of defense in pro basketball's trenches

Dave Barry - Mon, 2014-06-02 00:00

It's a Tuesday night in January, and somewhere in America some guys who consider themselves to be Knowledgeable Sports Fans are sitting in a bar, talking. One of them is saying: "You know what's wrong with pro basketball? They don't play defense. All it is is big goons running up and down the court scoring whenever the hell they feel like it."

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