The Onion

White House Lifts Ban On Importing Elephant Trophies

The Onion - Fri, 2017-11-17 17:56

Reversing a policy designed to protect the threatened species, the Trump White House is lifting a ban on importing elephant hunting trophies from Zimbabwe and Zambia. What do you think?

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Trump Privately Terrified His Sexual Assault Victims Will Someday Come Forward

The Onion - Fri, 2017-11-17 15:43

WASHINGTON—Expressing concerns about a potentially disastrous scandal, President Trump reportedly confided to White House officials Friday that he was terrified that his sexual assault victims would someday come forward. “I’m seeing all this news lately about women speaking out against these men who acted very…

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Congressman Checks In Real Quick With Ethics Office To Make Sure Pressing Exposed Penis Against Intern Doesn’t Constitute Sexual Harassment

The Onion - Fri, 2017-11-17 15:36

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging in advance that it was probably a silly question, Virginia congressman John Whitlock reportedly checked in real quick Friday with the Office of Congressional Ethics to make sure pressing his exposed penis against an intern doesn’t constitute sexual harassment. “Sorry if it’s the most obvious…

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Paul Ryan Announces New Congress Sexual Harassment Training Will Create Safe Work Atmosphere, Plausible Deniability

The Onion - Fri, 2017-11-17 12:26

WASHINGTON—Following testimony by female lawmakers alleging widespread sexual misconduct throughout Capitol Hill, Paul Ryan announced Thursday that Congress will undergo new sexual harassment training to create a safe work environment and plausible deniability. “This comprehensive three-hour course is designed to…

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How To Be A Savvy News Consumer

The Onion - Fri, 2017-11-17 12:22

With more people getting their news through social media and a crowded field of news outlets competing for web traffic, it can be difficult to know which sources to trust. Here are some tips for being a savvy news consumer.

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Parents Gently Explain To Son Why Family Dog Had To Be Blown Up With Dynamite

The Onion - Fri, 2017-11-17 12:11

SCOTCH PLAINS, NJ—Stressing they did all they could to make sure he was comfortably detonated, local parents Linda and John Crowley gently explained Friday to their son why the family dog had to be blown up with dynamite. “I’m sorry we have to tell you this, sweetie, but Rocky was old and in a lot of pain, so your…

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FDA Approves First Digital Pill

The Onion - Fri, 2017-11-17 10:17

The FDA has approved Abilify MyCite, a capsule which uses a tracking system to record whether it was ingested, making it the first digital pill to be approved in the U.S. What do you think?

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Obamas Reunited Live On TV For First Time Since Leaving White House

The Onion - Fri, 2017-11-17 10:02

BURBANK, CA—Not having appeared together publicly since they said goodbye to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. back in January, the Obamas reunited for a live hour-long TBS primetime event Friday for the first time since leaving the White House. “Now, Barack, what if I told you that backstage I had some very familiar faces that…

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Frustrated Man Can’t Believe He Can Still Hear Construction Worker Hammering His Wife At This Hour

The Onion - Fri, 2017-11-17 09:59

FRANKFORT, KY—Wondering if he’d even get a minute of sleep with all that racket, local man Ted Hinze told reporters Friday that he can’t believe he can still hear a nearby construction worker hammering his wife at this hour. “Christ, it’s past ten o’clock and this asshole is still going at it,” said an exasperated…

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Democrats Call For Convincing Amount Of Condemnation For Al Franken

The Onion - Thu, 2017-11-16 17:26

WASHINGTON—In response to radio personality Leeann Tweeden’s allegations of being inappropriately groped by Al Franken during a 2006 U.S.O. tour, Democratic Party leaders issued calls Thursday for a convincing amount of condemnation for the Minnesota senator. “I urge my fellow Democrats to renounce Senator Franken’s…

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NASA Launches First ‘Space Nation’ Into Orbit

The Onion - Thu, 2017-11-16 16:54

18,000 people who applied to be citizens of the space nation “Asgardia” launched their personal data into orbit on a NASA rocket this week in hopes of inspiring future space settlers. What do you think?

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Buyer Of $450 Million Da Vinci Painting Sort Of Assumed It Would Come With Frame

The Onion - Thu, 2017-11-16 15:58

NEW YORK—Saying auctioneers at Christie’s had not been totally forthright, the undisclosed buyer of $450 million Da Vinci painting Salvator Mundi told reporters Thursday that the purchase was made under the assumption that the work would come with its frame. “I just kind of figured when I shelled out close to half a…

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Confident Philadelphia Officials Preemptively Raze Center City To Make Room For Amazon Headquarters

The Onion - Thu, 2017-11-16 13:28

PHILADELPHIA—Convinced they will win the highly competitive contest to host the e-commerce giant’s new offices, optimistic local officials have preemptively razed Philadelphia’s entire Center City district to make room for Amazon’s second North American headquarters, sources said Thursday.

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