The Onion

Unclear Which Beach House Song This Is, Reports Lead Singer Of Beach House

The Onion - Fri, 2019-11-15 17:28

OAKLAND, CA—Midway through her performance of a down-tempo number she described as “sort of pop-y and languid,” Beach House lead vocalist Victoria Legrand reported Friday that it was not at all clear which Beach House song the band is currently playing before a sold-out crowd at the Fox Theater. “It has a lot of…

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Pelosi Suggests Trump Committed Bribery

The Onion - Fri, 2019-11-15 17:19

In a notable escalation of the House Minority Leader’s rhetoric, Nancy Pelosi suggested President Trump committed bribery in his dealings with the Ukrainian president, an impeachable offense as outlined in Article 1 of the Constitution. What do you think?

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NFL Rescinds Myles Garrett Suspension After Review Footage Clearly Shows Mason Rudolph’s Punchable Fucking Face

The Onion - Fri, 2019-11-15 16:58

NEW YORK—Apologizing for laying down the ruling in haste without examining all the evidence, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell rescinded Myles Garrett’s suspension for attacking Steelers quarterback Mason Rudolph with a helmet Friday after review footage clearly showed Rudolph’s punchable fucking face. “This was my…

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How Political Ads Are Made

The Onion - Fri, 2019-11-15 16:35

As the 2020 presidential campaign season gets into full swing, debate has raged over the content, message, and truthfulness of political advertising, as well as the platforms that host them. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how political ads work.

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Colin Kaepernick’s Agents Assure Teams His CTE Has Progressed Just As Much As Other Players Over 3-Year Hiatus

The Onion - Fri, 2019-11-15 16:14

ATLANTA—Responding to concerns that the 32-year-old had spent too much time away from the game, representatives for Colin Kaepernick assured NFL teams Friday that his CTE has progressed just as much as other players over his three-year hiatus. “We know teams are worried about how NFL ready he is after that much time…

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Yovanovitch Testifies That She Was Removed To Make Way For Corrupt Back Channel But Gets If No One Cares About Anything Anymore

The Onion - Fri, 2019-11-15 15:32

WASHINGTON—Appearing before the House Intelligence Committee at Friday’s impeachment hearing, former ambassador Marie Yovanovitch testified that she was recalled from her post so a corrupt back channel could run U.S. policy in Ukraine but gets it if no one cares about anything anymore. “President Trump and his allies…

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Full Trump Transcript Includes 37 Pages Of Confused President Mashing Fingers Against Dial Pad While Ukrainian President Tries To Speak

The Onion - Fri, 2019-11-15 15:05

WASHINGTON—Shedding light on what exactly transpired between the U.S. president and Ukraine during a mysterious April call, a transcript released Friday includes 37 pages of a confused Donald Trump mashing his fingers against his phone’s dial pad while President Volodymyr Zelensky tries to speak. According to the…

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‘Jedi Fallen Order Is A Star Wars Game Through And Through,’ And 8 Other Lines Of Praise Electronic Arts Strongly Suggested We Use In Our Review

The Onion - Fri, 2019-11-15 14:51

The newest Star Wars game is finally here, and we’ve got all the absolute best lines of praise that Electronic Arts suggested we use in a press package containing the game, a media kit, and a strongly worded letter insisting that we keep these bullet points in mind during our review, implying that our relationship…

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Flu Outbreak Reduces Class Sizes To Level Appropriate For Learning

The Onion - Fri, 2019-11-15 13:29

ST. LOUIS—With student-to-teacher ratios beginning to approach a more manageable level, sources confirmed Friday that a highly infectious strain of the flu sweeping through Washington Middle School this month has reduced class sizes to the point that learning is now feasible. “With this terrible illness forcing so…

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Disappointing: Microsoft Confirmed That Project Scarlett Is Actually Just A Brothel They’re Building In Thailand Where Xboxes Can Go To Be Pleasured

The Onion - Fri, 2019-11-15 13:06

If you’re an Xbox fanboy who was salivating over what the next gen could offer, you might want to sit down because we have disappointing news coming from the X019 press event: Microsoft just confirmed that Project Scarlett is actually just an expansive brothel they’re constructing in Thailand where Xboxes can go to be…

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Report: Some Company Called Scampr Already Lost $12.5 Billion At Launch And Has Gone Bankrupt

The Onion - Fri, 2019-11-15 12:00

NEW YORK—In news that took the nation completely by surprise, some company called Scampr already lost $12.5 billion at launch and has gone bankrupt, sources confirmed Friday. “Huh, I guess they were in new media and it looks like they just completely went under,” said sources glancing at an article about the…

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Tips For Playing ‘Pokémon Sword And Shield’

The Onion - Fri, 2019-11-15 09:00

After more than two years since the last installment, the wait is finally over for diehard Pokémon fans to dive into Sword and Shield. Here are all the tips you need for getting started in the brand new Nintendo Switch release.

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Six Flags Unsure If They Need To Apologize For Parkgoer Who Managed To Get Decapitated By Bumper Cars

The Onion - Fri, 2019-11-15 08:30

SAN ANTONIO—Admitting they were stumped as to how to publicly respond to the unfortunate but baffling event, officials at Six Flags Fiesta Texas were reportedly unsure Friday if they needed to apologize for a guest who managed to get decapitated by the bumper cars. “This is obviously a tragic situation that we wish…

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More Americans Now Surviving Lung Cancer

The Onion - Fri, 2019-11-15 08:00

A new report from the National Lung Association found that new lung cancer cases in the U.S. dropped 19 % over the past decade, while the survival rate rose to 26%, revealing significant steps forward in combating the country’s leading cause of cancer death. What do you think?

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Magnanimous MLB Awards MVP To Hardworking Stadium Concession Staffers

The Onion - Thu, 2019-11-14 18:55

SECAUCUS, NJ—Honoring the individuals who they claim meant more to baseball this year than anyone, the MLB announced during Thursday’s ceremony that the 2019 MVP would be awarded to the league’s hardworking stadium concession staffers. “The Baseball Writers Association of America is pleased to give this year’s Most…

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Area Man Loads Up On Half-Priced Armistice Day Candy

The Onion - Thu, 2019-11-14 17:32

CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it would be silly not to take advantage of such great deals, 31-year-old computer programmer Jared Hermann confirmed Thursday he had stopped by a local Walgreens to load up on clearance sale of Armistice Day candy. “It’s my little annual tradition to hit up the stores once Nov. 12 rolls around,…

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‘Washington Post’ Impeachment Critic Gives Insipid Day One Inquiry 2 Out Of 5 Andrew Johnsons

The Onion - Thu, 2019-11-14 16:16

WASHINGTON—Knocking the broadcast for its lack of cohesive vision, The Washington Post impeachment critic Patrick Jennings gave the insipid day one of the House inquiry hearing two out of five Andrew Johnsons. “We hope the masterminds behind the hearing have some real surprises in store, otherwise I don’t see this…

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Venice Facing Worst Flood Tide In Years

The Onion - Thu, 2019-11-14 16:11

Climate charge is being blamed for historic flooding that has covered 85% of the Italian city of Venice and caused the mayor to declare a state of emergency. What do you think?

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Pope Francis Bags 6-Winged Trophy Angel During Vatican’s Annual Seraphim Hunt

The Onion - Thu, 2019-11-14 14:54

THE HEAVENS—Emerging from behind a cloud blind in a blaze orange miter and camouflaged vestments, His Holiness Pope Francis reportedly celebrated with fellow clergymen Thursday after bagging a highly coveted prize in this year’s Vatican seraphim hunt: a six-winged trophy angel. 

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