The Onion

Cat's Whiskers A Little Much

The Onion - Tue, 2018-01-23 12:20
Categories: The Onion

Constantly Worrying What Other People Think About Your War Crimes Is No Way To Live Your Life

The Onion - Tue, 2018-01-23 11:59

You know, it can be difficult to remain true to your deepest convictions and live life on your own terms. But I think we can all agree, it’s always better to be yourself and follow your dreams rather than end up with a lifetime of regret for all the things you didn’t do. It’s easy to lose sight of what’s really…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘Your Father Died Peacefully In His Sleep,’ Assures Hospice Nurse Who Spent Past 6 Months Watching Man Wither Away In Agony

The Onion - Tue, 2018-01-23 10:55

SELIGMAN, AZ—In an attempt to console the family of the deceased, Mountain View Hospice nurse Sam Bakshi—who watched his patient wither away for half a year in unrelenting torment—told relatives of the late Dennis Ridges on Tuesday that the man had died peacefully in his sleep. “I know this is a difficult time, but I…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

A Timeline Of The World Economic Forum

The Onion - Tue, 2018-01-23 10:48

The World Economic Forum, held every year in Davos, Switzerland, brings together hundreds of the planet’s most powerful political leaders, economists, and thinkers to discuss pressing world issues. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the WEF’s 47-year history.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Local Woman Considers Telling Gynecologist Whole Truth

The Onion - Tue, 2018-01-23 10:45

ST. LOUIS—Taking a moment to consider the possibility that having an honest conversation with her doctor may actually be beneficial, local woman Denise Bowers said Tuesday that she was thinking about telling her gynecologist the whole truth. “Maybe this time I’ll just bite the bullet and let her know everything,” said…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Amazon To Open Grocery Store Without Checkout To Public

The Onion - Tue, 2018-01-23 10:42

Amazon Go, a grocery store that uses hundreds of cameras and a customer’s phone to eliminate checking out, opens to the public this week. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Police Find 1,600 Pounds Of Cocaine Smuggled In Pineapples

The Onion - Mon, 2018-01-22 16:52

Authorities in Spain and Portugal found a massive stash of cocaine transported inside hollowed-out pineapples during a raid that also took down nine gang members responsible for the criminal operation. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Report: Girl Who Called You A Slut In High School Posting Passionate Status About Women’s March

The Onion - Mon, 2018-01-22 15:16

CHICAGO—Recalling how the former classmate would ruthlessly prey on insecurities, sources confirmed Monday that the girl who repeatedly called you a slut in high school was posting a passionate Facebook status about the Women’s March. “I had the most amazing time out there with my sisters, and it really proved that…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

47-Second Clip From ‘Family Ties’ Season 3 Now Available On YouTube

The Onion - Mon, 2018-01-22 15:08

SAN BRUNO, CA—Touting the prestigious addition to their comedy portfolio, executives from YouTube announced Monday that a 47-second clip from the third season of Family Ties is now available on their video-sharing website. “We’re so proud to bring to the viewing public this iconic moment in which Alex P. Keaton leaps…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Mom Saw A Bunch Of Photos From Women’s March Online

The Onion - Mon, 2018-01-22 15:01

PITTSBURGH—Expressing how inspired she was by the images from the gathering, local mom Susan Krieps told her daughter on the phone Monday that she had seen a bunch of photos from the 2018 Women’s March online. “Wow, there were so many women there,” said Krieps, recounting how she had scrolled through a slideshow one…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Study: Uttering Phrase, ‘Marriage Is Hard Work,’ Number One Predictor Of Divorce

The Onion - Mon, 2018-01-22 13:03

COLLEGE PARK, MD—Calling it the most reliable sign of an at-risk marriage, a study released Monday by the University of Maryland found that uttering the phrase, “Marriage is hard work,” was the number one predictor of divorce. “Our research shows that expressing a sentiment such as, ‘No one said marriage would be…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Employee Apparently Confident Enough In Job Performance To Eat Snacks During Meeting

The Onion - Mon, 2018-01-22 11:44

BISMARCK, ND—In what office sources called a bold move, local employee Brian Conlon was apparently confident enough in his job performance Thursday to eat snacks during a meeting. “Wow, he must be pretty certain in his ability to do his job well for him to loudly munch on snacks like that in the middle of the…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

God Recalls 1983 Speedboat Accident That Sent Him To Heaven

The Onion - Mon, 2018-01-22 11:37

THE HEAVENS—Acknowledging that He had been behaving recklessly that night, God, Our Holy Father, recalled Monday the speedboat accident in 1983 that originally sent Him to heaven. “The last thing I remember was tearing across Lake Winnepesaukah in a Jr. Executive 21 JRV with my buddy Dave and suddenly slamming right…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion
Syndicate content