The Onion

GameStop Somehow Selling Used Version Of Game Day After It Comes Out

The Onion - Sat, 2019-09-14 09:00

As gamers, we see a lot of strange things, but this one may take the cake. By some sort of strange voodoo, GameStop is selling a used version of Borderlands 3 just one day after it came out. 

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Third Democratic Debate Features Narrowing 2020 Field

The Onion - Fri, 2019-09-13 16:16

Americans tuned in Thursday night to watch a rapidly narrowing 2020 Democratic field make their case for the party’s nomination as Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren met on the debate stage for the first time in the race. What do you think?

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Harvard Officials Say $8.9 Million Donation From Jeffrey Epstein Was From Brief Recovery Period When He Wasn’t A Pedophile

The Onion - Fri, 2019-09-13 15:03

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Emphasizing that the late billionaire was only having sex with consenting adults at the time, Harvard officials said Friday that the nearly $9 million Jeffrey Epstein gave to the university was received during a brief recovery period when he did not engage in pedophilia. “I want to be clear: These…

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Highlights Of The Third Democratic Debate

The Onion - Fri, 2019-09-13 14:09

The third round of the Democratic presidential primary debates pitted the top-10 polling candidates against each other in Houston. The Onion highlights the most important takeaways from the third Democratic debate.

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Pros And Cons Of Binge-Watching

The Onion - Fri, 2019-09-13 12:53

The practice of binge-watching TV shows has risen in popularity in recent years with the increase in streaming TV shows, but critics say it can have unintended consequences. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of binge-watching.

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Green Giant Offering Program Where Gun Owners Can Trade In Firearms For Green Beans

The Onion - Fri, 2019-09-13 11:47

PARSIPPANY, NJ—Claiming that the recent spate of mass shootings gave them no choice but to stand up and try to make a difference, vegetable purveyor Green Giant launched a new program Friday where gun owners can trade in their firearms in exchange for green beans. “These kinds of weapons have no place on the street or…

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Tips For Playing ‘Borderlands 3’

The Onion - Fri, 2019-09-13 09:30

Gearbox Software’s third game in this epically playable co-op multiplayer game is finally upon us! Prepare to jump into all the post-apocalyptic action with our tips for playing Borderlands 3.

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Liberal Parents Struggling To Find School District With High-Quality Drag Queens

The Onion - Fri, 2019-09-13 09:00

NORFOLK, VA—Saying it was never too early to begin instilling the values they believe in, liberal parents Christopher and Stacey Castaneda confirmed Friday that they were struggling to find a school district with high-quality drag queens. “We’re committed to finding a school system that has well-paid, skilled drag…

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Alex Trebek Back On ‘Jeopardy!’

The Onion - Fri, 2019-09-13 08:00

After seeking treatment for pancreatic cancer over the summer, Alex Trebek returned for season 36 of trivia game show Jeopardy! What do you think?

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Moderator Jorge Ramos Asks Candidates How They Would Help Struggling Media Companies With $7.5 Billion Of Debt

The Onion - Thu, 2019-09-12 21:15

HOUSTON—Saying it was time someone finally took a stand for struggling, Spanish-language networks, moderator Jorge Ramos paused the democratic debate Thursday to ask candidates how they would help media companies with $7.5 billion of debt. “No one—not one of you—has told the American people how you would save…

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Marianne Williamson Materializes On Stage In Cloud Of Purple Smoke With Message That DNC Polling Requirements No Match For Power Of Positive Thinking

The Onion - Thu, 2019-09-12 20:30

HOUSTON—Startling the 10 candidates who qualified to participate in the event, Marianne Williamson materialized on the debate stage in a puff of purple smoke Thursday, proclaiming the Democratic National Committee’s polling requirements were no match for the power of positive thinking. “The DNC thinks I need to get at…

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Trump Approval Drops 6 Points

The Onion - Thu, 2019-09-12 15:00

In the wake of a stumbling economy and several recent missteps, President Trump’s approval rating fell 6% to 38% in a recent ABC News-Washington Post poll. What do you think?

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Desperate Boy Scouts Officials Announce New ‘You Can Mutilate As Many Dead Squirrels As You Want’ Membership Campaign

The Onion - Thu, 2019-09-12 14:53

IRVING, TX—In response to multiple lawsuits and potential bankruptcy, desperate Boy Scouts officials unveiled a new You Can Mutilate As Many Dead Squirrels As You Want membership campaign this week. “Our mission here at the Boy Scouts of America is to prepare young people for the future by instilling in them a strong…

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Inspiring: Thousands Of Gamers Have Pitched In To Rescue Consoles Abandoned In The Wake Of Hurricane Dorian

The Onion - Thu, 2019-09-12 13:57

Prepare to have your heart warmed. In the wake of the devastation of Hurricane Dorian, thousands of gamers have pitched in to rescue abandoned consoles and find them homes where they can get the love and attention they need.

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