The Onion

John Kelly Out As Chief Of Staff

The Onion - Mon, 2018-12-10 17:48

Speaking Friday, President Trump confirmed John Kelly will be leaving as chief of staff by the end of the year after 18 months defined by an attempt at instilling discipline on an often chaotic administration. What do you think?

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Woman Trying To Wean Self Off Coffee By Switching To Long Island Iced Tea

The Onion - Mon, 2018-12-10 15:59

LOS ANGELES—Saying that the reduction in her daily caffeine intake had markedly improved her overall mood and outlook, sales associate Sherri Packer, 32, said Monday that she has made notable progress weaning herself off coffee by switching to Long Island iced tea. “I didn’t realize how dependent on my Starbucks I had…

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MLB Hoping To Boost Attendance At League Meetings With ‘Star Wars’ Night

The Onion - Mon, 2018-12-10 15:49

LAS VEGAS—In an effort to generate more enthusiasm among owners and general managers for the sparsely attended event, Major League Baseball introduced announced a new “Star Wars Night” Monday to boost attendance at this year’s winter meetings. “In the past, we’ve had problems drawing a full crowd to these meetings, so…

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White House Ficus To Leave For Virginia Arboretum After Declining Trump’s Offer To Be Chief Of Staff

The Onion - Mon, 2018-12-10 15:09

WASHINGTON—As the Trump administration scrambles to find a replacement for outgoing advisor John Kelly, officials announced Monday that a high-level White House ficus would leave for the State Arboretum of Virginia after declining the president’s offer to be chief of staff. “The ficus has been honored to serve…

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John Kelly Resigns In Last-Ditch Effort To Save His And Trump’s Friendship

The Onion - Mon, 2018-12-10 15:04

WASHINGTON—Calling the decision necessary to protect the one relationship he values above all others, White House chief of staff John Kelly told reporters Monday that he will resign in a last-ditch effort to save his and President Trump’s friendship. “It’s been a great honor to serve my country and the Trump…

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Report: Those Sensors That Flush Public Toilets Were Also Cameras This Whole Time

The Onion - Mon, 2018-12-10 14:24

NEW YORK—A report published Monday by researchers at the Journal Of Public Health Management And Practice revealed those sensors that flush public toilets were also cameras this whole time. “After decades of relying on the devices for automated flushing, it appears those red blinking sensors in toilet stalls have also…

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Bob Iger: At Disney, We Live Every Day In Terror That You’ll Turn On Superhero Movies

The Onion - Mon, 2018-12-10 14:06

BURBANK, CA—Emphasizing that losing even just a few comic book fans would be a “fate worse than death,” Disney CEO Bob Iger admitted Monday that he and all his employees spend every waking moment consumed by the fear that you will one day turn on superhero movies. “Working at Disney? It’s hell. Because I know that one…

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Flakes On A Plain

The Onion - Mon, 2018-12-10 12:20
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‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Now Just Hoping George R.R. Martin Dies Soon So Estate Can Release Whatever He’s Already Written

The Onion - Mon, 2018-12-10 12:13

CHICAGO—Stressing that a posthumous release was still better than no release at all, Game Of Thrones fans nationwide confessed Monday that they were now just hoping George R.R. Martin dies soon so his estate could publish whatever he’s already written. “Listen, he’s gotta have at least two-thirds of The Winds Of Winter

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Petting Zoo All Goats

The Onion - Mon, 2018-12-10 10:00
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5G Phones Coming

The Onion - Mon, 2018-12-10 09:30

Offering faster internet speeds and better battery life, recent announcements from Verizon, AT&T, and Sprint suggest 5G devices will begin to appear on the market in the first half of 2019. What do you think?

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Wes Anderson Begins Filming Next Film In France

The Onion - Sun, 2018-12-09 13:02

Wes Anderson’s next film, The French Dispatch, has started filming with stars including Bill Murray, Tilda Swinton, and Timothée Chalamet in a narrative rumored to revolve around the world of journalism in 20th-century Paris. What do you think?

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Zoologists Discover New Fastest Land Animal After Pumping White-Tailed Deer Full Of Steroids

The Onion - Fri, 2018-12-07 16:27

MADISON, WI—Shedding new light on the now-500-pound forest-dwelling antlered ungulant, zoologists at the University of Wisconsin–Madison announced the discovery of a new fastest land animal Friday after systematically subjecting a white-tailed deer to a regimen of specially tailored anabolic steroids. “Some cheetahs…

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NRCC Emails Stolen During Major 2018 Election Hack

The Onion - Fri, 2018-12-07 16:08

Hackers stole emails from the House Republicans Congressional Committee in a major cyber attack during the 2018 midterm elections, although the intentions of the attack are still unknown, individuals familiar with the matter revealed. What do you think? 

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Fox News Intern Fetching Coffee Tells Herself This Will All Pay Off When She Trump’s Secretary Of State One Day

The Onion - Fri, 2018-12-07 15:31

NEW YORK—In an effort to cope with the stressful task of fetching coffee for demanding staffers, Fox News intern Hattie Butler reportedly told herself Friday that this would all pay off when she was named President Trump’s secretary of state one day. “It’s really tough to keep everyone’s drink orders straight, but the…

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Mom Sends Blurry, Indistinct Photo Of Computer Screen Showing Boots You Might Like

The Onion - Fri, 2018-12-07 14:51

CAPITOLA, CA—Claiming that the footwear in question would go nicely with a lot of things in your wardrobe, your mother sent you a blurry and indistinct photo of her home computer screen Friday ostensibly displaying a pair of boots you might like. “I was looking at the internet and thought of you when I saw these on…

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Review: ‘Super Smash Bros. Ultimate’ Sunk By Unforgivable Inclusion Of Kirby, One Of The Most Offensive Harmful Stereotypes To Ever Appear In Popular Entertainment

The Onion - Fri, 2018-12-07 14:39

One of the most anticipated releases of 2018, Super Smash Bros. Ultimate is a fun, but undeniably compromised gaming experience. Ultimate pulls out all the stops to give fans the biggest, most finely tuned Smash Bros. experience to date. It’s a tight, balanced, action-packed brawler filled out with over 70 of your…

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