The Onion

Female Brains More Youthful Than Male Ones

The Onion - Sat, 2019-02-16 10:00

A recent study found that women’s brains tend to appear to be about three years younger than those of men at the same age, a difference scientists suggest could give them an advantage in maintaining cognitive acuity as they get older. What do you think?

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Mass Invasion Of Polar Bear Forces Russian Islands To Declare Emergency

The Onion - Fri, 2019-02-15 18:03

After dozens of polar bears flooded into the Novaya Zemlya archipelago, local authorities have declared a state of emergency. Environmental experts in the region have arrived to sedate and remove the population. What do you think?

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Trump Offers Clear, Historical Precedent For Deploying U.S. Military With No Provocation

The Onion - Fri, 2019-02-15 16:35

WASHINGTON—Providing a lengthy, comprehensive explanation of the factors influencing his decision to declare a national emergency that would send military funding and personnel to the nation’s southern border, President Donald Trump offered a clear, historical precedent Friday for deploying the U.S. military with no…

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Trump Base Celebrates President For Standing Up To Constitution

The Onion - Fri, 2019-02-15 16:27

WASHINGTON—Enthusiastically praising the commander-in-chief for holding firm in the face of opposition, Donald Trump’s political base cheered on the president Friday for standing up to the U.S. Constitution. “He stayed strong and really showed the Constitution who’s boss,” said 48-year-old Trump supporter Ross…

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Climatologists Find Pitchers And Catchers Reporting Further South Every Spring

The Onion - Fri, 2019-02-15 14:31

WASHINGTON—Warning that swift climate action was needed if local populations were to survive, a study released Friday by the EPA revealed an alarming trend of Major League Baseball pitchers and catchers reporting further south for spring training every year. “It wasn’t long ago that pitchers and catchers could be…

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Chinese Man Worried You Can’t Have Respectful Debate About How Amazing Government Is Anymore

The Onion - Fri, 2019-02-15 13:24

BEIJING—Lamenting the country’s widening political divide, local man Lei Chen admitted to feeling worried Friday that you couldn’t even have a respectful debate about how amazing the government is anymore. “We’ve become so polarized between people who believe we’re the best country in the world and people who believe…

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Pros And Cons Of Salary Transparency

The Onion - Fri, 2019-02-15 10:53

An increasing number of people advocate being open about salaries as a way to fix pay iniquities and encourage employees to ask for more compensation, but there are many cultural and professional taboos around the practice. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of salary transparency.

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Tumor-Covered Chester Cheetah Apologizes For Role In Marketing Dangerously Cheesy Cheetos To Children

The Onion - Fri, 2019-02-15 10:50

WASHINGTON—Speaking out against his former employer while testifying before Congress, terminally ill snack-food mascot Chester Cheetah apologized through tumor-riddled lips Friday for his role in marketing dangerously cheesy Cheetos to children. “I’m ashamed to have been a part of this campaign,” said Cheetah, who…

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Yosemite Expands Lodging Accommodations With New Log Cabin High-Rises

The Onion - Fri, 2019-02-15 10:42

YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—In an effort to make one of the country’s most celebrated natural wonders more accessible to the public, Department of the Interior officials announced Friday that Yosemite National Park would expand its lodging options by constructing dozens of new log cabin high-rises. “There’s really no better…

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Nation Celebrates Valentine’s Day

The Onion - Thu, 2019-02-14 18:03

Today, millions of Americans will celebrate romance with chocolates, flowers, and other offerings of love. How will you celebrate Valentine’s Day?

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Elliott Abrams Defends War Crimes As Happening Back In The ’80s When Everyone Was Doing It

The Onion - Thu, 2019-02-14 17:24

WASHINGTON—Explaining to the House Foreign Affairs Committee that it was a totally acceptable practice at the time, Elliott Abrams defended Wednesday the war crimes he committed in Latin America by pointing out that it was just something everyone was doing back in the ’80s. “You’ve got to understand that running…

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Annoying YouTube Algorithm Not Letting Man Forget Single Time He Watched 14 Hours Straight Of Hitler Speeches

The Onion - Thu, 2019-02-14 16:10

HARTFORD, CT—Wishing he could return to browsing golf instructional videos in peace, local resident Brian O’Connell reportedly expressed irritation Thursday that an annoying YouTube algorithm was not letting him forget the single time he watched 14 straight hours of Hitler speeches. “It’s so aggravating, I mean, all I…

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Meals On Wheels Volunteers Deliver Body Chocolate, Edible Underwear To Seniors Shut In On Valentine’s Day

The Onion - Thu, 2019-02-14 15:59

COEUR D’ALENE, ID—In an effort to reach out to members of the community often forgotten on Valentine’s Day, local Meals on Wheels volunteers reportedly delivered hundreds of packages containing body chocolate, edible underwear, and other erotic treats to elderly shut-ins Thursday. “We’re making sure older folks who…

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El Chapo Given Life Sentence

The Onion - Thu, 2019-02-14 14:59

Joaquín Guzmán Loera, the Mexican drug kingpin known as El Chapo, received a life sentence for criminal enterprises including decades of drug trafficking, bribery, and murder. What do you think?

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