The Onion

Emotional Elon Musk Recalls Spending Entire Birthday Working On Concepts For Mistreating Employees

The Onion - Mon, 2018-08-20 18:07

LOS ANGELES—Revealing his vulnerable side in a starkly honest interview, an emotional Elon Musk recalled this week how he spent his entire birthday alone working on concepts for new ways to mistreat employees at the Tesla factory. “When you’re the CEO, the responsibility of developing innovative new ways of…

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Ingenious Political Analyst Points Out Irony Of Melania Trump Speaking Out Against Cyber Bullying When Her Husband Donald Trump

The Onion - Mon, 2018-08-20 17:42

WASHINGTON—In a dazzling display of superior intellect and penetrating insight, ingenious political analyst Mark Morelli pointed out Monday the irony of Melania Trump speaking out against cyberbullying when her husband is U.S. President Donald Trump. “Wow, it is so hypocritical of the first lady to criticize…

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Trump Cancels Military Parade, Citing Price

The Onion - Mon, 2018-08-20 16:50

President Trump cancelled plans for a Washington, D.C. military parade originally scheduled to happen on Nov. 10, 2018, blaming costs reported to be as high as $92 million. What do you think?

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Trump Accuses Voters Of Meddling In Midterms

The Onion - Mon, 2018-08-20 16:37

WASHINGTON—Warning that the group was secretly planning to affect the outcome of the November elections, President Donald Trump accused voters Monday of meddling in the upcoming midterms. “It’s clear that the disgusting and disgraceful voters are going to try to influence the midterms—the voters must be stopped!” said…

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Secretary Of Education Reveals She’s Forced To Use Own Salary On Yacht Supplies

The Onion - Mon, 2018-08-20 14:14

WASHINGTON—Tearing up while describing how insufficient government funding often fails to cover the cost of essential materials, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos revealed Monday that she was forced to use her own salary to purchase supplies for her yacht. “People are under the false impression that yachts come fully…

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Icy Cave At Peak Of Andes Mountains Now Sole Remaining Place On Earth Where You Can Escape This

The Onion - Mon, 2018-08-20 13:23

MENDOZA PROVINCE, ARGENTINA—Noting that it was the only location on the planet to calm your mind and forget about everything going on, sources confirmed Monday that a secluded cave on an icy peak in the Andes mountains is the one place left on earth where you can escape this. “If you wish to free yourself from all of…

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Michael Cohen Relieved To Remember It Illegal To Charge Lawyer With Crime

The Onion - Mon, 2018-08-20 12:44

NEW YORK—Admitting that he initially started to panic upon discovering that federal prosecutors were investigating him for charges of bank and tax fraud, Michael Cohen reportedly expressed relief Monday after remembering that it is illegal to charge a lawyer with a crime. “Wow, I was really freaking out there for a…

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Tim Burton Worried He Going Through A Bit Of A 14-Movie Slump

The Onion - Mon, 2018-08-20 12:25

LOS ANGELES—Acknowledging his recent output had failed to live up to its full potential, Hollywood director Tim Burton expressed concern Monday that he might be going through a bit of a 14-movie slump. “It just seems like I’ve sort of been in a rough spot here for the past two or three decades,” said Burton, 59,…

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Grocery Store Bar Actually Has Great Little Happy Hour, Reports Man With A Serious Problem

The Onion - Mon, 2018-08-20 12:17

CHICAGO—Elated with his discovery of an establishment that fits seamlessly into both his daily routine and his self-destructive lifestyle, local grocery shopper Alan Cordova, who has a serious and debilitating problem, announced Monday that the bar at his local grocery store actually has a great little happy hour.…

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India Rolls Out Healthcare For 500 Million People

The Onion - Mon, 2018-08-20 10:46

Just before his reelection campaign, Indian prime minister Narendra Modi is expected roll out the world’s biggest government healthcare program, providing basic healthcare to 500 million more people. What do you think?

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Intelligence Setback: The CIA Is In Crisis Mode After ISIS Made Its Instagram Private

The Onion - Mon, 2018-08-20 10:17

America’s intelligence community suffered a massive setback today that experts say will have massive ramifications throughout the world of counterterrorism: The CIA has gone into full-on crisis mode after ISIS set its Instagram account to private.

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Spotify May Allow Unlimited Ad Skipping For Free Users

The Onion - Sun, 2018-08-19 12:06

Streaming app Spotify is testing a new feature in Australia that allows non-paying users to skip an unlimited number of ads, allowing them to better track information about which ads users do and do not skip. What do you think?

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Ditching Tight Pants Improves Sperm Count

The Onion - Sat, 2018-08-18 10:57

Researchers at Harvard found that individuals wearing boxer shorts had a 25 percent higher sperm concentration those in tight-fitting underwear, most likely due to the cooler temperatures inside boxers. What do you think?

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Germany Running Out Of Beer Bottles

The Onion - Fri, 2018-08-17 17:48

Due to unusually high temperatures, German beer consumption has risen rapidly, causing a shortage in the over 3 billion beer bottles in circulation. What do you think? 

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Vatican On Sex Abuse Report: ‘Listen, No Normal Person Is Going To Sign Up To Be A Priest’

The Onion - Fri, 2018-08-17 16:03

VATICAN CITY—Following a Pennsylvania grand jury’s report on widespread sexual abuse of children by priests and a cover-up that spanned decades, the Vatican released a statement Friday saying “listen, no normal person is going to sign up to be a priest.” “Look, we ask an awful lot of ordained priests and make them…

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