The Onion

Boris Johnson Unsure How U.K. One Country But Also Four

The Onion - 2 hours 21 min ago

LONDON—In a meeting to discuss possible adjustments to steel import tariffs, Prime Minister Boris Johnson confided to his cabinet Monday that he was unsure how the United Kingdom was one country but also four. “Just to digress for a moment, I’m still not entirely wrapping my head around how our country is also…

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Report: Ronan Farrow Has Been Asking People About You

The Onion - 2 hours 21 min ago

YOUR LOCATION—Admitting they weren’t sure what exactly the Pulitzer Prize-winning investigative journalist wanted with the information, several sources confirmed Monday that Ronan Farrow has been asking people about you. “He didn’t say why, but he’s been going around asking your friends and coworkers to tell him what…

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Nonprofit Cofounders Have Screaming Match Over Whether Mission To Ignite Change Or Spark Community Impact

The Onion - 2 hours 21 min ago

LOS ANGELES—At fierce odds over the future of their organization, local nonprofit cofounders Nancy Jemison and Andrew Taylor were reportedly having a screaming match Monday over whether their mission was to ignite change or spark community impact. “Get your ass over here and tell me you want to plant the seeds of…

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Friend Crashing In Guest Room Hopes He Can Return Favor When Host’s Marriage Implodes

The Onion - Fri, 2021-11-26 09:00

WESTPORT, CT—In the midst of a divorce and grateful to have had a friend’s guest room to crash in for the past couple months, local man Nate Suarez told reporters Friday that he hoped he would be able to return the favor when his host Mark Durden’s marriage imploded. “I really appreciate him helping me out while I…

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Conservationist Breaks Down Sobbing While Going Through Old Box Of Extinct Species’ Things

The Onion - Fri, 2021-11-26 09:00

HUESCA, SPAIN—After he choked up at the mere sight of the plastic tub tucked away in the back of his closet, sources confirmed Friday that local wildlife conservationist Juan Morales broke down in sobs as he went through a box of things that once belonged to the extinct Pyrenean ibex. “Oh God, I still miss that…

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Worst Ways Amazon Exploits Workers During Black Friday

The Onion - Fri, 2021-11-26 09:00

No one knows why Amazon randomly generates tremors throughout its fulfillment centers, only that you’re not getting paid for re-shelving 10,000 square feet of sneakers.

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Nation Nearly Strings Together 3 Good Days In Row

The Onion - Fri, 2021-11-26 09:00

WASHINGTON—Snapping their fingers and hanging their heads in disappointment, the nation confirmed Friday that they nearly strung together three good days in a row. “Oh shucks, just a few more hours there and we would have had a hat trick,” said Andrew Heitzman, one of 330 millions visibly downcast Americans who loudly…

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Lions Fan Praying Players Start Protesting Police Brutality Or Something So He Can Stop Watching

The Onion - Thu, 2021-11-25 13:30

NOVI, MI—Carefully scrutinizing the athletes lining up before the national anthem, Detroit Lions fan Greg Burnett was reportedly praying Thursday that the players start protesting police brutality or something so he could stop watching. “Christ, is it too much to ask some backup defensive back to take a knee against…

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Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving

The Onion - Thu, 2021-11-25 09:00

All across the nation, families and loved ones are gathering to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for this year?

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Al Roker Reminds Macy’s Parade Viewers All The Balloons They See Today Are Up For Adoption

The Onion - Thu, 2021-11-25 09:00

NEW YORK—Cheerfully presenting the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade alongside Hoda Kotb and Savannah Guthrie, Al Roker reminded viewers Thursday that all the balloons they see during the broadcast are currently up for adoption. “Today isn’t just about entertainment, it’s also about showing compassion for these gentle,…

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Thanksgiving Guests Freeze In Disbelief After Teenager Informs Them Of Native American Genocide

The Onion - Thu, 2021-11-25 09:00

SUDBURY, MA—Their forks clattering to the table mere moments after the 16-year-old’s sudden announcement, Thanksgiving guests at the Ross family dinner reportedly froze in disbelief Thursday after teenage son Ryan informed them of the genocide of Native Americans. “No, no, it can’t be! Not my precious holiday!” said…

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Amazon To Let Warehouse Employees’ Families Work Thanksgiving Shifts Too

The Onion - Thu, 2021-11-25 09:00

SEATTLE—In response to criticism about the company’s holiday schedules, Amazon announced Thursday that it would let warehouse employees work alongside their family members this Thanksgiving. “Opening up our fulfillment centers to the spouses and children of workers will help us better represent the generosity of the…

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Stouffer’s Targets People Spending Thanksgiving Alone With New Single-Serve Frozen Family

The Onion - Thu, 2021-11-25 09:00

ROSSLYN, VA—In an effort to better serve customers who weren’t invited to or hosting holiday meals, Stouffer’s targeted people spending Thanksgiving alone Thursday with a new single-serve frozen family. “Our single-serve frozen families offer a convenient and intimate Thanksgiving solution for those who might…

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Things You Should Never Say At Thanksgiving Dinner

The Onion - Thu, 2021-11-25 09:00

Besides food, there’s nothing Americans love more than sitting down and spewing their most inflammatory opinions. Here are several things you should never say at the Thanksgiving dinner table.

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What To Watch This Thanksgiving Weekend

The Onion - Wed, 2021-11-24 16:49

Don’t know what to watch? Christ, what a sad problem. You’re pathetic. The Onion is here to uplift your miserable existence with recommendations for what to watch this long Thanksgiving weekend.

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White House: 95% Of Federal Workforce In Compliance With Vaccine Mandate

The Onion - Wed, 2021-11-24 15:37

The White House has announced that 95% of the federal workforce is in compliance with the Biden administration’s vaccine mandate, with 90% of the 3.5 million federal workers already vaccinated and 5% submitting approved or pending exemption applications. What do you think?

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Man With No Friends Plans Makeshift Friendsgiving With Family Members Instead

The Onion - Wed, 2021-11-24 13:55

CENTERVILLE, OH—Hoping to salvage the holiday with a low-key get together, friendless man Clark Adams was reportedly making plans Wednesday for a makeshift Friendsgiving with family. “It’s not my first choice, but I don’t really want to spend the holiday alone, so I’ll see if I can throw something together with my…

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Good News RPG Fans: We’re All Constantly Playing Some Kind Of Role No Matter What

The Onion - Wed, 2021-11-24 13:00

Get excited, RPG fans, because we’ve got some good news for you. It turns out that as human beings living in a modern society, we’re all playing some kind of role, no matter what. In fact, that seems to be the basic human condition!

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Biden To Release 5-Gallon Plastic Can Of Gas From U.S. Oil Reserves

The Onion - Wed, 2021-11-24 12:50

WASHINGTON—In an effort to stabilize rising fuel prices, President Joe Biden announced Wednesday he would order the Energy Department to release a five-gallon plastic can of gasoline from the nation’s Strategic Petroleum Reserves. “By tapping this emergency stockpile, we can ensure that if the American people run out…

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