The Onion

Michael Cohen Sent Back To Prison

The Onion - Fri, 2020-07-10 15:57

President Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen, who was granted temporary home confinement due to coronavirus concerns, has been taken back to federal prison to continue serving his three-year sentence after violating the terms of his release. What do you think?

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Timeline Of Officials Trying To Get Trump’s Financial Records

The Onion - Fri, 2020-07-10 15:34

The recent Supreme Court ruling permitting New York state prosecutors to get President Donald Trump’s financial records, the release of which has been a subject of controversy since his 2016 run for president. The Onion looks at the timeline of politicians and legislators trying to get Trump’s financial records.

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Self-Loathing GOP Congressman Can’t Believe He’s Been Reduced To Defending Necessity Of Public Schools

The Onion - Fri, 2020-07-10 15:27

WASHINGTON—As the nation falls deeper into the grip of a pandemic that has forced compromises upon his most cherished principles, a self-loathing Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN) acknowledged Friday he could not believe he had been reduced to defending the necessity of public schools in a civil society. “I hear these words…

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Deal Alert: An Advance Copy Of ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Is Sitting On The Tracks And The Train Is Still A Good 50 Yards Away

The Onion - Fri, 2020-07-10 14:05

All aboard, gamers! We’ve uncovered a once-in-a-lifetime bargain, but you’ll have to act fast to snag this deal: An early-release copy of Cyberpunk 2077 is sitting right there on the railroad tracks and the train is still a good 50 yards away.

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CDC Guidelines Say It’s Safe To Play Tennis If That’s Honestly How You Want To Spend Your Free Time

The Onion - Fri, 2020-07-10 14:01

ATLANTA—Admitting that it is your life and what you care about is none of their business, new CDC pandemic guidelines released Friday stated that it is safe to play tennis if that is honestly how you want to spend your free time. “Standing that far apart and hitting balls over nets won’t risk transmission very much,…

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Teens Flock To New App Where They Just Enter Own Personal Data Into Form

The Onion - Fri, 2020-07-10 13:58

NEW YORK—Revealing that the new software had seen skyrocketing growth among Gen-Z users over the past six months, consumer trends researchers confirmed Friday that teens are flocking to a new app where they just enter their own personal data into a form. “With over 650 million active users worldwide, Spress has proven…

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Silicon Valley Billionaires Unveil Diversity Initiative To Replace 60% Of Own Blood With Transfusion From Young People Of Color

The Onion - Fri, 2020-07-10 08:54

PALO ALTO, CA—Guaranteeing that candidates from a wide array of backgrounds would play part in helping them live forever, a coalition of Silicon Valley billionaires unveiled a new diversity initiative Friday to replace 60% of their own blood with transfusions from young people of color. “In an effort to ensure our…

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New Crest Sweepstakes Offers Chance To Win 10 Million Teeth

The Onion - Fri, 2020-07-10 08:49

Plus, a new presidential poll shows each candidate’s name, followed by a number, then a percentage sign. But what do they mean?

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Study Finds Rats Experience Bystander Effect

The Onion - Fri, 2020-07-10 08:44

A new study from the University of Chicago has found that rats will work to free a trapped companion if they see others helping, but they are less likely to become involved if nearby rats are not assisting, suggesting that mammals besides humans can suffer from the bystander effect. What do you think?

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Johnny Depp Interrupts Libel Case To Duck Behind Witness Stand, Pop Up In Judge’s Robes Banging Oversized Gavel

The Onion - Thu, 2020-07-09 16:48

LONDON—During testimony Thursday in his libel case against a U.K. newspaper group, Johnny Depp reportedly interrupted court proceedings when he ducked behind the witness stand and suddenly popped up behind the bench in judge’s robes and a powdered wig, banging an oversized gavel. “Hear ye, hear ye, I doth find the…

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How A Case Gets To The Supreme Court

The Onion - Thu, 2020-07-09 15:03

The Supreme Court is back in session making rulings that will affect the lives of millions of Americans, shining a spotlight on how cases arrive to be heard by the nation’s highest judicial body. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how a case makes it to the Supreme Court.

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Apologetic DeSean Jackson Pledges To Learn More By Going To Hitler Museum

The Onion - Thu, 2020-07-09 15:02

PHILADELPHIA—Responding to the backlash after posting a quote misattributed to the Nazi leader on his Instagram page, an apologetic DeSean Jackson pledged to deepen his understanding of anti-semitism by visiting the Hitler Museum. “I know I screwed up and I promise to do the work of educating myself on the historical…

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Supreme Court Rules Employers Can Opt Out Of Birth Control Coverage

The Onion - Thu, 2020-07-09 14:48

The Supreme Court ruled 7-2 that employers with moral or religious objections do not have to provide no-cost birth control coverage to women, as had previously been required under the Affordable Care Act. What do you think?

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Total Banger On Grocery Store Loudspeaker Interrupted For Lost Child Announcement

The Onion - Thu, 2020-07-09 14:29

LINCOLN, NE—Shoppers at a local Fareway Grocery were reportedly annoyed Thursday after a total banger on the loudspeaker was interrupted for a missing child announcement. “I was just starting to groove out to ‘Kodachrome’ when the store manager cuts in for some bullshit about parents who can’t find their kid,” said…

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Teen Who Died From Coronavirus Probably Had Undiagnosed Old Age

The Onion - Thu, 2020-07-09 14:27

PHOENIX—Noting that the medical problem was common in these sorts of cases, sources confirmed Thursday that 17-year-old Kevin Albright, a local teenager who died of coronavirus, probably had undiagnosed old age. “Sure, it’s obviously a tragedy anytime someone loses their life to the coronavirus, but in this case, it’s…

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Panicking Professional Poker Player Suddenly Can’t Remember Whether Ace Is Better Than King

The Onion - Thu, 2020-07-09 13:50

LAS VEGAS—Feeling completely helpless while staring down at his cards, professional poker player Tony Eggold reportedly began to panic Thursday after suddenly realizing he couldn’t remember whether an ace was better than a king. “Okay, okay focus—I have $147,000 in the pot right now, so I’ve got to figure this out…

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Cam Newton Scrambling To Get Up To Speed After Patriots Send Him Playbook Of Every NFL Team

The Onion - Thu, 2020-07-09 13:30

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Hurriedly trying to organize the dozens of boxes from around the league ahead of his preseason season debut, Cam Newton told reporters Thursday that he was scrambling to get up to speed after the New England Patriots sent him a playbook of every NFL team. “This is thousands of pages, it’s going to take…

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Cursed Responders

The Onion - Thu, 2020-07-09 13:04
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