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The Onion
Standing Ovation For Nazi Veteran Sparks Anger In Canada
Canadian officials are apologizing to Jewish communities after honoring a Ukrainian-Canadian veteran who belonged to a Nazi division in WWII with a standing ovation during Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky’s visit. What do you think?
Every Bribe Bob Menendez Accepted While A U.S. Senator
Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ) has pleaded “not guilty” to sweeping federal charges that accuse him of accepting hundreds of thousands of dollars in gifts in exchange for political favors. The Onion examined every bribe the Democratic senator has accepted while in office, and this is what was found.
Triumphant Biden Announces U.S. Has Killed Man Who Kind Of Looks Like Osama Bin Laden
WASHINGTON—Delivering a jubilant address to the American people, a triumphant President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that the United States had killed a man who kind of looked like Osama bin Laden. “I am proud to stand before you and report that the U.S. Special Operations Command has carried out a mission that…
Hayao Miyazaki Announces Return To Filmmaking After Big Time Screwup At New HVAC Installation Job
TOKYO—Despite his hopes to retire permanently after the release of this year’s The Boy And The Heron, beloved Studio Ghibli director Hayao Miyazaki announced his return to filmmaking Wednesday, citing a big-time fuckup at his new heating, ventilation, and air-conditioning installation job. “While I was eager to move…
NASA Capsule Carrying Largest Asteroid Samples Lands On Earth
A NASA space capsule carrying the largest soil sample ever collected from the surface of an asteroid has landed in the Utah desert seven years after the mission’s launch. What do you think?
Florida Students Reveal How ‘Don’t Say Gay’ Made Them Straight
The Onion asked Florida students how the state’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill finally cured them of their sick, perverted urges to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, or queer, and this is what they said.
Fire Department Installs No-Questions-Asked Baby Furnace Outside Station
ARGOS, NY—Offering an alternative for parents in the community who, for whatever reason, feel they cannot currently handle the burden of raising an infant, the Argos Fire Department has installed a no-questions-asked baby furnace outside its station, town sources confirmed Wednesday. “We’re providing this service…
Stephen A. Smith Recalls Rough Childhood Having To Debate Gang Members
BRISTOL, CT—Reflecting on the life experiences that made him the person he is today, ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith recalled Wednesday a tough childhood in which he had to debate gang members. “It was hell, man—I remember these thugs cornering me outside my high school, shoving me against the wall, and challenging…
Why More Americans Are Putting Off Having Kids
A recent study found that the average age for new American parents is up to 26 for mothers and 31 for fathers, both record highs. The Onion looks at the top reasons why more Americans are putting off having kids.
What To Say To A Child If They Don’t Believe In God
Discussing spirituality with a young person can be difficult, and that might only become more difficult if they’re questioning the existence of a higher power. Here are some strategies on what to say to a child if they don’t believe in God.
Ex-Boyfriends Of Taylor Swift Give Advice To Travis Kelce
With news spreading that Taylor Swift has formed a power couple with Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, the pop star’s fans are speculating on whether this relationship might be different from her past ones. The Onion asked Swift’s ex-boyfriends to give Kelce advice on how to make this relationship a success.
Taylor Swift Post Contributes To Record-Breaking Voter Registration Day
A Taylor Swift Instagram post drove record-breaking web traffic to Vote.org last week and helped the site register more than 35,000 new voters on Voter Registration Day, the largest jump since the 2020 general election year. What do you think?
Couple Pities Man Eating Alone Instead Of In Complete Silence With Person He Can’t Stand Anymore
TOLEDO, OH—Finding themselves distracted and unable to enjoy their meal, local couple Monica and Kyle Hulud told reporters Wednesday they pitied the man at Rosie’s Italian Grille who was eating alone instead of in complete silence with a person he couldn’t stand anymore. “Poor guy has to have dinner all by himself…
Historians Reveal Original Draft Of Constitution Included 593 Mentions Of Spiders
WASHINGTON—In a finding that sheds light on the particular concerns and interests of the Founding Fathers, historians at the National Archives revealed this week that the original draft of the U.S. Constitution included 593 mentions of spiders. “Early renditions of the Constitution show us that James Madison and the…
New Feel-Good TikTok Ad Campaign Features Stalker Who Would Have Never Met Child Bride Without App
NEW YORK—TikTok has reportedly generated support and approval this week with its feel-good new ad campaign featuring a stalker who would have never met his child bride without the app. “Thanks, TikTok—because of you, I found my virgin bride,” said the thirtysomething TikTok user, referring to the visibly frightened…
Experience A Slice Of The Circle Of Life!
This three-bed, two-bath early ’70s split-level ranch has witnessed eight births and three deaths over two generations. Perfect for the misanthrope who desires a tangential connection to humanity.
George R.R. Martin Among 17 Authors Suing Over ChatGPT
John Grisham and George R.R. Martin are among 17 authors suing OpenAI for “systematic theft on a mass scale,” the latest in a wave of legal action by writers concerned that artificial intelligence programs are using their copyrighted works without permission. What do you think?
Penniless, Barefoot David Zaslav Wanders L.A. Streets After Reaching Deal With WGA
LOS ANGELES—Meagerly rattling a tin cup at pedestrians rushing past him on Sunset Boulevard, the penniless and barefoot Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav was seen wandering the L.A. streets Monday after reaching a tentative deal with the striking members of the Writers Guild of America. “I’m ruined, please—I…