The Onion

Review: ‘Crash Team Racing Nitro-Fueled’ Delivers Speed, Savagery, And Fun I Haven’t Felt Since My Third DUI

The Onion - Tue, 2019-06-25 13:03

Released by Naughty Dog back in 1999, the original Crash Team Racing has long been considered something of a cult-classic in the kart racer genre. That’s why it was so exciting to hear that we would finally be getting a modern remake. Needless to say, fans of CTR will not be disappointed, as Nitro-Fueled delivers the…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘I Just Want A Substantive, Issues-Oriented Democratic Debate,’ Lie Thousands Of Americans Hungry For Unhinged Trainwreck

The Onion - Tue, 2019-06-25 09:28

WASHINGTON—Claiming to desire a measured, civilized discussion bringing to light the pros and cons of each candidate, thousands of Americans hungry for an unhinged trainwreck lied that they just want “a substantive, issues-oriented Democratic debate,” sources confirmed Tuesday. “I want to hear from each of the…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Trump Confirms Pence As 2020 Running Mate

The Onion - Tue, 2019-06-25 09:23

In an interview with Chuck Todd, Donald Trump said that Mike Pence would be his running mate in 2020, ruling out speculation on other options. What do you think? 

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Paul Manafort Trying To Ferment Vintage Cheval Blanc In Toilet Tank

The Onion - Tue, 2019-06-25 09:02

NEW YORK—Hoping to replicate the Bordeaux wine’s rich flavor profile, Paul Manafort reportedly attempted to create an approximation of a vintage Château Cheval Blanc Tuesday by using a toilet tank to ferment various liquids he had squirreled away inside his prison cell. “It definitely has that oakiness I’m going for,…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Soldiering On ... And On ...

The Onion - Tue, 2019-06-25 08:59
Categories: The Onion

Aretha Franklin Institute For Female Entrepreneurship Confirms Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves

The Onion - Tue, 2019-06-25 08:47

LOS ANGELES—Concluding an exhaustive seven-year study of the lives of women in every American demographic, the Aretha Franklin Institute for Female Entrepreneurship concluded Tuesday that sisters are doin’ it for themselves. “After interviewing thousands of mothers, daughters, and their daughters too, the data…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Bolton Says Military Action Still On The Table

The Onion - Mon, 2019-06-24 16:36

White House National Security Adviser John Bolton told Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu that the U.S. may still order a military strike against Iran. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Gaming Addict Attempting To Slowly Wean Self Off Of Real Life

The Onion - Mon, 2019-06-24 14:37

It’s an honest-to-god redemption story: After admitting to friends and family that he had developed a serious problem, 32-year-old gaming addict Trevor Osborne revealed this week that he was trying to slowly wean himself off of real life.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Giannis Antetokounmpo Credits Success To Early Days Playing Against Greek Gods

The Onion - Mon, 2019-06-24 11:59

MILWAUKEE, WI—Asserting that the rough-and-tumble style of play he learned on Mount Olympus was the reason he is here today, Giannis Antetokounmpo told reporters Tuesday that he credits his NBA success to his childhood days of playing basketball against Greek gods. “I really honed my skills on the court by squaring…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Obesity Rates Falling Among U.S. Preschoolers

The Onion - Mon, 2019-06-24 11:38

Obesity rates among U.S. preschoolers have dropped from 16% in 2010 to 14% this year, offering hope that school dietary changes may have helped curb the health epidemic. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

John Bolton Urges War Against The Sun After Uncovering Evidence It Has Nuclear Capabilities

The Onion - Mon, 2019-06-24 11:15

WASHINGTON—Amid escalating tensions with the hostile celestial object, National Security Adviser John Bolton argued for military action against the Sun Monday after being presented with evidence it has nuclear capabilities. “Newly collected intelligence shows the Sun, day after day, generating extreme levels of…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Wretched Outcast Woman With Combination Skin Forever Trapped Between Dry And Oily Worlds

The Onion - Mon, 2019-06-24 10:46

BROOKLYN—Doomed to wander the Earth imprisoned by a complexion requiring both mattifying and hydrating products, sources confirmed Monday that wretched outcast of a woman Hattie Jean was forever trapped between the realms of the dry and the oily due to her accursed combination skin. “No matter where I go, whether…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Hero Coworker Contributes Single Tissue To Water Spill Cleanup Efforts At Next Desk

The Onion - Mon, 2019-06-24 09:12

CINCINNATI—Springing into action within moments of seeing the plastic cup topple over, hero coworker Brian Alvarez contributed a single tissue to the water-spill cleanup efforts at the desk of an officemate, sources at Bridgemeyer Marketing Services stated Monday. Several reports indicated that Alvarez selflessly…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Nenê Wins NBA’s Tenth Man Of The Year Award

The Onion - Mon, 2019-06-24 09:09

HOUSTON—Commemorating the veteran big man for the minutes worth of contributions he made to a great Rockets team, Nenê Hilario was honored as the Tenth Man Of The Year at Monday night’s NBA Awards. “Whether he was high-fiving teammates after a timeout or setting a couple ball screens while the starters rested, Nenê…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Nation’s Men Holding Acoustic Guitars Announce Plan To Idly Strum While You Try To Talk To Them

The Onion - Mon, 2019-06-24 09:08

WASHINGTON—Fingering a few chords while approaching the lectern at the press conference, the nation’s men holding acoustic guitars announced their plans Monday to idly strum while you try to speak to them. “We believe the best response to any attempt to engage us in conversation is to nod our heads while tinkering…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

EPA Weakens U.S. Climate Change Plan

The Onion - Fri, 2019-06-21 15:39

The Trump EPA has rolled out a plan known as the Affordable Clean Energy rule, which will weaken Obama-era regulations and could increase carbon emissions. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion
Syndicate content