The Onion

Elizabeth Warren Releases DNA Test On Native American Ancestry

The Onion - Wed, 2018-10-17 17:33

Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren released a DNA test that she says proves her claims of distant Native American heritage, although it has drawn scrutiny from Native groups and Republicans. What do you think?

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Melania Trump’s Plane Forced To Make Emergency Landing After Smoke Begins Billowing Out Of First Lady

The Onion - Wed, 2018-10-17 15:33

WASHINGTON—In what is being described as a “close call” for the aircraft’s passengers and crew, sources reported that Melania Trump’s plane was forced to turn around and make an emergency landing Wednesday after thick plumes of smoke began billowing out of the first lady. “There was a strong burning smell, and as soon…

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All The Good Sentiments On ‘Get Well Soon’ Card Already Taken

The Onion - Wed, 2018-10-17 15:08

NAPLES, FL—Noting that the sick colleague had been instructed to “take it easy” and “hang in there,” local brand manager Cassandra Reynolds confirmed Thursday that all of the good sentiments on a coworker’s “get well soon” card were already taken. “Shit, somebody is already sending him good vibes, too,” said Reynolds,…

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Authorities Say Blacklight Analysis Shows Velvet Poster Of Mushroom Kingdom Looking Even Cooler Than Previously Imagined

The Onion - Wed, 2018-10-17 14:36

CHICAGO—Telling reporters that the additional scrutiny had yielded promising results, authorities confirmed Wednesday that blacklight analysis showed that a velvet poster of a mushroom kingdom looked even cooler than previously imagined. “When placed under ultraviolet light, we quickly discovered that the frolicking…

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The Onion’s Guide To Blockchain Technology

The Onion - Wed, 2018-10-17 14:18

Blockchain technology forms the foundation for cryptocurrencies such as Bitcoin, Dogecoin, and Ethereum, but it can be difficult to understand how it actually works. The Onion answers common questions about blockchain technology.

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Financial Experts Recommend Young Grifters Start Laying Groundwork For Long Con By 25

The Onion - Wed, 2018-10-17 13:54

NEW YORK—Noting that it was becoming increasingly crucial for those in high-risk jobs to invest for retirement as early as possible, top financial experts concluded Wednesday that young grifters should begin laying the groundwork for a long con by age 25. “We strongly urge young grifters to put away 10 percent of…

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Homemade DNA Test Proves Trump Boys Are At Least One Jar Blood

The Onion - Wed, 2018-10-17 12:21

WASHINGTON—Providing vital new insight into their ancestral roots, a homemade DNA test self-administered by Eric and Donald Trump Jr. Wednesday proved definitively that they are both at least “one jar blood.” “I always figured I was at least half a jar blood, and now we got the proof,” said Donald Trump Jr., visibly…

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Texas Rangers Asking Taxpayers To Cover 60% Of Bribes Related To New Stadium

The Onion - Wed, 2018-10-17 11:56

ARLINGTON, TX—Admitting that the billions of dollars needed to grease the wheels required a joint effort, the Texas Rangers requested Wednesday that taxpayers cover roughly 60 percent of bribes related to the construction of their new stadium. “Between contractors, vendors, and local law enforcement, there’s a lot of…

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Sears Files For Bankruptcy

The Onion - Wed, 2018-10-17 11:31

Department store giant Sears Holdings will file for bankruptcy, marking a low point for the once-major force in retail. What do you think?

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‘Roseanne’ Spinoff Showrunner Hopes Big Puddle Of Blood In Kitchen Enough To Explain Main Character’s Disappearance

The Onion - Tue, 2018-10-16 17:27

LOS ANGELES—Discussing how narrative cohesion would be maintained in the new sitcom, the showrunner of the upcoming Roseanne spinoff told reporters Tuesday that he hoped the giant puddle of blood in the set’s kitchen would adequately explain the former main character’s absence. “Sure, we could have had one of the many…

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‘The Conners’ Premieres Without Roseanne Barr

The Onion - Tue, 2018-10-16 16:05

Roseanne spinoff The Conners premieres Tuesday night, featuring John Goodman, Laurie Metcalf, and the rest of the Conners family pressing on without Roseanne Barr, who was fired from the show earlier this year after posting racist comments on Twitter. What do you think?

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This Angry Mob Is Never Going To Grow Until We’re More Welcoming To New Members

The Onion - Tue, 2018-10-16 15:29

As I look out at the faces surrounding me here today, I am reminded of how much we’ve accomplished in such a short period of time. We’ve driven the creature from our village, chased it back to its moldering castle, and burned that castle to the ground, doing so with no more than a few dozen pugnacious townsfolk. This…

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Poll Finds U.S. Global Image Down, Especially Among Allies

The Onion - Tue, 2018-10-16 14:22

For the second year straight, the world’s view of the U.S. has declined. For example, only 39 percent of Canadians now have a favorable view of the United States, down from 65 percent at the end of President Obama’s second term. What do you think?

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