The Onion

Undaunted Sanders Supporters Announce They’ll Continue Presidential Campaign Without Candidate

The Onion - Wed, 2020-04-08 17:06

NEW YORK—Stressing that they would not allow a minor bump in the road to prevent them from delivering true change, the nation’s undaunted Bernie Sanders supporters announced Wednesday that they would continue his 2020 presidential campaign without the candidate. “Time and again, the mainstream media has predicted the…

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European Vacation Dispatch: Ciao From The Venetian Riviera!

The Onion - Wed, 2020-04-08 15:51

Host Leslie Price is on vacation this week, but be sure to join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning!

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SeaWorld CEO Resigns After Furloughing 90% Of Workers

The Onion - Wed, 2020-04-08 14:12

Citing disagreements with the board of directors, Sergio Rivera resigned this week just five months into his tenure as SeaWorld CEO and days after the company furloughed 90% of its employees due to the coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?

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Damning Report Finds White House Ignored Skeletal Horsemen Galloping Through Sky As Early As January

The Onion - Wed, 2020-04-08 13:49

WASHINGTON—In a very serious and damning new report published Wednesday, a government watchdog group has found that, as early as January, White House officials failed to heed repeated warnings of impending doom that arrived via four skeletal horsemen galloping through the sky. “On Jan. 3, the Trump administration…

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How Unemployment Benefits Work

The Onion - Wed, 2020-04-08 11:01

Over 6 million Americans filed for unemployment benefits last week, and the last three weeks have seen the largest rise in unemployment claims in U.S. history, with many people now embroiled for the first time in an often confusing process. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to how unemployment benefits work.

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NASA Launches Vengeance Rover To Pay Back Mars For Killing Opportunity Back In 2018

The Onion - Wed, 2020-04-08 10:55

CAPE CANAVERAL—Calling it the first purely revenge-based mission to ever be attempted on the red planet, NASA officials announced Wednesday the successful launch of the Vengeance Rover to pay back Mars for killing Opportunity back in 2018. “This is a historic launch that will bring our administration closer to the…

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‘Just Go Home And Sleep It Off,’ Says Doctor To Coughing, Feverish Black Patient

The Onion - Wed, 2020-04-08 10:50

MILWAUKEE, WI—Downplaying requests to check his vital signs as “totally unnecessary,” primary care physician William Kinlaw recommended Wednesday that a coughing, feverish black patient “just go home and sleep it off.” “We’re dealing with a flood of people who have actual problems, so you shouldn’t come in unless it’s…

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12 Shocking Table Corners We Wish We Could Unsee

The Onion - Wed, 2020-04-08 09:06

Ugh! Good luck erasing this table corner from our memory.

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Lady Gaga Announces Multi-Network Covid-19 Benefit Concert Telecast

The Onion - Wed, 2020-04-08 08:53

Lady Gaga announced that she is curating the “One World: Together At Home” benefit concert that will air simultaneously on ABC, NBC, and CBS on April 18 and feature musical artists including Elton John, Paul McCartney, Lizzo, and Billie Eilish among others. What do you think?

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Exhausting Every Other Way To Pass Time, Couple Begins Ranking Their Lamps

The Onion - Tue, 2020-04-07 17:58

DAYTON, OH—Having run out of every other possible way to kill time, local couple Mark Lippeatt and Darcy Hatfield began the process of ranking all the lamps in their apartment, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Okay, so the living room floor lamp scores major points for overall brightness, but I’m still going with the…

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Trump Overturns Presidential Limo While Touting Effectiveness Of PCP To Treat Coronavirus

The Onion - Tue, 2020-04-07 16:12

WASHINGTON—Screaming about how great the drug works while beating on his chest, Donald Trump reportedly overturned a presidential limousine Tuesday while touting the effectiveness of PCP in treating coronavirus. “Don’t listen to all the bulllshit—this stuff right here will make you fucking invincible against Covid!”…

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Allstate Returns Over $600 Million In Auto Premiums As Drivers Stay Home During Pandemic

The Onion - Tue, 2020-04-07 14:15

The insurance company Allstate announced its customers would receive a 15% payback on their monthly premiums for April and May, citing a nationwide reduction in driving as Americans sheltered in place. What do you think?

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Senator Kelly Loeffler Asks For Prayers After Losing $3 On Single Stock Due To Coronavirus

The Onion - Tue, 2020-04-07 13:31

WASHINGTON—Begging her constituents to keep her family in their thoughts in the coming days, Sen. Kelly Loeffler (R-GA) asked for Americans to send her prayers in an emotional press conference Tuesday in which she announced that she had lost as much as $3 on a single stock due to the coronavirus. “I am asking for all…

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Grubby Hub

The Onion - Tue, 2020-04-07 13:18
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Tips For Cutting Your Own Hair

The Onion - Tue, 2020-04-07 12:15
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