The Onion

Most Shocking Revelations Of The Comey Memos

The Onion - Fri, 2018-04-20 17:06

A series of memos written by former FBI director James Comey and released to Congress Thursday by the Justice Department provide more insight into his relationship with President Donald Trump, as well as offer information pertinent to the ongoing investigation into his administration’s ties to Russia. The Onion

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North, South Korea In Talks To Announce End To 68-Year Korean War

The Onion - Fri, 2018-04-20 15:46

An intelligence source revealed that an upcoming talk between Kim Jong-un and Moon Jae-in could result in the announcement of an end to the Korean War 68 years after the conflict began. What do you think?

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‘Politics Was Never This Toxic In The 2010s,’ Says Future American While Watching Candidates Battle In 2048 Debate Pits

The Onion - Fri, 2018-04-20 15:11

NEO-SEATTLE—Decrying the lack of decorum on display, an American from decades in the future remarked that politics was never this toxic “back in the 2010s,” shaking his head as he watched the leading presidential candidates of 2048 fight to the death in blood-soaked debate pits.

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DNC Files Lawsuit Alleging Nation Should Never, Ever Stop Focusing On 2016 Election

The Onion - Fri, 2018-04-20 14:25

WASHINGTON—Demanding greater accountability for the race’s outcome, the Democratic National Committee reportedly filed a multimillion-dollar lawsuit Friday alleging that the nation should never, ever stop focusing on the 2016 presidential election. “Our lawsuit lays out, in no uncertain terms, that the nation should…

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Long John Silver’s Customer Finds Deep-Fried Poseidon Head In Value Meal

The Onion - Fri, 2018-04-20 14:17

CINCINNATI—Causing a wave of disgust and outrage among his fellow diners, local man Tobin Sullivan said Friday that, to his horrified surprise, he had found the deep-fried head of Poseidon, the Greek god of the sea, in his $8.99 Two Fish And Six Shrimp Combo Platter. “I was eating my fish when I noticed what looked…

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This Chilling Video Of George W. Bush And John Kerry Singing ‘This Land Is Your Land’ Shows How Easy It Is To Use Digital Facial Mapping To Fake Anyone Doing Anything

The Onion - Fri, 2018-04-20 12:59

After the 2016 election, it became clear just how successfully trolls and foreign enemies have been using the internet to undermine the democratic process. Unfortunately, technological advancements are guaranteeing that the problem’s only going to get worse before it gets any better. Want proof? This disturbing video…

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Absolutely Heartbreaking: The Editor Of Snopes Just Listed His Marriage Of 28 Years As A Hoax

The Onion - Fri, 2018-04-20 11:00

We all want to believe that love lasts forever, but the editor of Snopes, Patrick Gourley, just busted that myth wide open: He has officially listed his marriage of 28 years as a hoax.

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Starbucks To Close 8,000 Stores For Racial Bias Training

The Onion - Fri, 2018-04-20 09:58

After a wave of protests in response to the arrest of two black customers in a Philadelphia store, global coffee chain said they will close 8,000 stores on May 29 to give employees racial bias training. What do you think?

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Child At That Awkward Age Where No One Cares What He Thinks And He’s Constantly In The Way

The Onion - Fri, 2018-04-20 09:57

HARTFORD, CT—Acknowledging that their second-grader had reached “that uncomfortable stage” far earlier than most of his peers, the parents of 8-year-old Kyle Fiedler confirmed Friday that he was at that awkward age where no one cares what he thinks and he’s constantly in the way. “Kyle’s just going through that phase…

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Boss Wants To Know If You Can Work Late This Year

The Onion - Fri, 2018-04-20 09:53

YOUR LOCATION—Explaining that staffing was a little tight right now and he would really appreciate the extra help, your boss was wondering Friday if you might be able to work late this year. “It’s obviously not required, but you’d be doing me a huge solid if you wouldn’t mind staying after hours for 12 months or so,”…

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NASA Announces Plans To Place Giant Pair Of Shades On Sun

The Onion - Fri, 2018-04-20 09:50

WASHINGTON—In an effort to make the solar system’s central star look as badass as possible, NASA officials announced Friday the agency’s plans to place a 864,600-mile-wide pair of shades on the sun. “With this mission, we’ll be taking a great leap forward in our understanding of how cool and chilled-out our sun really…

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Puerto Rico Hit By Island-Wide Blackout

The Onion - Thu, 2018-04-19 17:20

Nearly seven months after Hurricane Maria, Puerto Rico has entirely lost power, with all 1.5 million electricity customers being plunged into darkness yet again. What do you think?

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After An Island-Wide Blackout Left Millions Of Puerto Ricans Without Power, This Amazing Charity Air-Dropped Printouts Of The Most Epic Trump Takedowns On Twitter

The Onion - Thu, 2018-04-19 16:17

Here’s heartwarming proof that some people will stop at nothing to offer help in a dire situation.

Puerto Rico was struck by disaster yet again Wednesday afternoon when an issue with a transmission tower caused the entire island to lose power. But in the face of this adversity, an incredible disaster relief…

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Mike Pompeo Defects To North Korea After Learning About Kim Jong-Un’s Torture Program

The Onion - Thu, 2018-04-19 14:58

PYONGYANG—Declaring that he has “finally, at long last, come home” to a society that properly aligns with his values, former C.I.A. director and U.S. Secretary of State candidate Mike Pompeo officially defected to the totalitarian nation Thursday after learning about Kim Jong-un’s torture program. “It’s amazing—the…

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Dad Ready To Forgive Dixie Chicks

The Onion - Thu, 2018-04-19 13:49

GLASGOW, KY—Declaring that enough time has passed for everyone to get on with their lives, father of two Albert Wrinn told reporters Thursday that he was ready to forgive crossover-country trio the Dixie Chicks for remarks critical of former President George W. Bush that were made on the eve of the Iraq invasion.…

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