The Onion

Political Ad Spending Hit New Record In 2018 Midterms

The Onion - Tue, 2018-11-13 13:01

More money was spent in the 2018 election cycle than any previous midterm cycle. What do you think?

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‘He’s Not Right For You,’ Report Relationship Experts Who Must Not Want To See You Be Happy

The Onion - Tue, 2018-11-13 12:52

STANFORD, CA—Based on a compilation of data revealing their jealousy and negativity loud and clear, relationship experts confirmed Tuesday that “He’s not right for you,” because they must not want to see you happy. “Our extensive study shows that you might be better off with someone else,” read a summary of the…

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3 More States Vote To Legalize Marijuana

The Onion - Mon, 2018-11-12 19:37

Voters in Michigan passed a measure Tuesday legalizing pot sales, while Utah and Missouri added themselves to the growing roster of 33 states where medical marijuana is legal. What do you think?

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Woman Confident She Has The Safety Net It Takes To Achieve Dreams

The Onion - Mon, 2018-11-12 19:18

LOS ANGELES—Citing her can-do spirit, belief in her own talents, and considerable trust fund, aspiring screenwriter and playwright Dasha Rothwell confirmed Monday that she was confident she had the safety net it would take to achieve her dreams. “I truly feel I have what it takes to pursue my creative and personal…

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Emmanuel Macron Calls For ‘True European Army’ Against U.S., Chinese Threats

The Onion - Mon, 2018-11-12 19:04

Stressing that Europe could no longer depend on the U.S. for protection, French president Emmanuel Macron called for a trans-European army amongst EU member states. What do you think?

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Study Finds Only 20% Of Seminary Graduates Go On To Become God

The Onion - Mon, 2018-11-12 16:29

SOUTH BEND, IN—Noting that students felt increasingly ambivalent about assuming celestial roles, researchers at the University of Notre Dame published a study Monday that revealed only 20 percent of seminary school graduates go on to become God. “Most students decide right before the graduation ceremony that they…

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Family Figures Grandpa Never Talks About WWII Because Nothing Interesting Happened To Him

The Onion - Mon, 2018-11-12 16:07

ATHENS, OH—Responding to their grandfather’s longtime silence on the subject, the family of World War II veteran Thomas Withers told reporters Monday that they figured the reason he never talked about serving was probably because nothing interesting happened to him. “Grandpa never discusses being stationed in…

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FEMA Assures Wildfire Victims Bucket Brigade Nearly Over Maryland State Line

The Onion - Mon, 2018-11-12 15:51

WASHINGTON—Confirming that the federal government was taking swift action to help those suffering in California, FEMA officials assured wildfire victims Monday that a bucket brigade is nearly over the Maryland state line. “The FEMA emergency response team is currently standing shoulder to shoulder in a line stretching…

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Friends Excitedly Gather Around Man’s Phone To Watch Shaky Footage Of Concert

The Onion - Mon, 2018-11-12 14:47

CHICAGO—Exclaiming and pushing past each other as they jockeyed for a clear view of the screen, friends of local man Carl Michaels excitedly gathered around his phone Monday to watch the shaky footage he had recorded of a recent Mt. Joy concert. “Whoa, the audio is so distorted that you can barely even make out what…

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Trump Hacks Through Thick Central American Jungle In Search Of Entirely New Ethnic Group To Demonize

The Onion - Mon, 2018-11-12 13:47

TALAMANCAN MONTANE FORESTS, COSTA RICA—Venturing deep into rainforest no outsider has dared explore, President Trump slashed through the thick vines of a Central American jungle Monday in search of a previously unknown ethnic group to vilify. “Legend has it that this land is home to a lost race of people living in…

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Ecologists Discover 400 Species Of Charles Darwin Living In Galápagos Islands

The Onion - Mon, 2018-11-12 12:30

PUERTO BAQUERIZO MORENO, ECUADOR—Describing an astounding variety of naturalists previously unknown to science, a team of ecologists from Stanford University announced Friday the discovery of more than 400 species of Charles Darwin living in the Galápagos Islands.

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The Onion - Fri, 2018-11-09 19:22
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