The Onion

Mike Tyson Offered $20 Million To Compete In Fight

The Onion - Thu, 2020-05-28 09:24

Bare Knuckle Fighting Championship is preparing to offer Mike Tyson over $20 million to come out of retirement for a single match, though the 53-year-old former heavyweight champion has yet to agree. What do you think?

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Authorities Receive List Of Demands From Increasingly Hostile Coronavirus

The Onion - Thu, 2020-05-28 09:20

Destruction of PPE. Free rein in nursing homes. Mass disposal of all hand sanitizer. These are just a small portion of the demands issued today by the coronavirus that must be fulfilled within the next 24 hours, or else.

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Jack Dorsey Assures Twitter Users That Company Having Most Idiotic Possible Internal Conversations About Trump’s Account

The Onion - Wed, 2020-05-27 15:54

SAN FRANCISCO—Responding to continued outcry over their handling of the president’s often false and aggressive tweets, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey reportedly assured users Wednesday that the company was having the most idiotic possible internal conversations about Donald Trump’s account. “I understand many of our users…

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Inspiring: CD Projekt Red To Immortalize Programmers Who Died Making ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ As NPCs So They Can Serve CD Projekt Forever

The Onion - Wed, 2020-05-27 15:09

Over the last few years, the gaming industry has been rocked by reports of the brutal crunch culture around programming. Thankfully, CD Projekt Red, creators of the Witcher series, stepped up to the plate today to make things right by announcing that all the coders who died in the making of Cyberpunk 2077 will be…

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Twitter Refuses To Remove Trump Tweets About Scarborough Conspiracy Theory

The Onion - Wed, 2020-05-27 14:59

Twitter confirmed it will not remove President Trump’s tweets regarding a debunked conspiracy theory that TV host Joe Scarborough murdered a woman in 2001, saying the posts do not violate the company’s terms of service despite an open letter from the woman’s widower claiming regular users would be banned for similar…

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10 Breathtaking Photos That Perfectly Capture The Unwavering Spirit Of Scissors

The Onion - Wed, 2020-05-27 14:14

This incredible picture depicts the powerful scissors in all their steadfast, sharp glory.

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Woman Knows Current Hardships Just Preparing Her To One Day Give Up Completely

The Onion - Wed, 2020-05-27 12:49

TUSCALOOSA, AL—Stressing that such ways of thinking helped keep her difficulties in check, local woman Audrey Leonard told reporters Wednesday that all of her current hardships were only preparing her to one day give up completely. “Yeah, things are tough right now, but it’s important to remember that all of the…

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Architect Has Amazing Idea For Replacing Freedom Tower If Worst Were To Happen Again

The Onion - Wed, 2020-05-27 12:39

NEW YORK—Confident that given the chance he would absolutely blow the memorial committee away with his design, architect Shaun Linger told reporters Wednesday that he has an amazing idea for replacing New York’s Freedom Tower if the worst were to happen again. “I don’t want it to happen, but if tragedy were to strike,…

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Half Hour Of Constant Rubbing Somehow Fails To Soothe Irritated Eye

The Onion - Wed, 2020-05-27 12:07

BALTIMORE—Perplexed by the method’s failure to soothe his discomfort, local man Drew Lindstrom confirmed Wednesday that his eye remained itchy and irritated, even after 30 minutes of constant rubbing. “I’ve been getting in there and really working at it with my knuckle, but if anything, it looks even more bloodshot…

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Remote Possibilities

The Onion - Wed, 2020-05-27 10:37
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Family Increasingly Terrified That Ghost Haunting House Might Be Pedophile

The Onion - Wed, 2020-05-27 09:02

LOWELL, MA—Noting the poltergeist had been a little bit too friendly towards their children since they moved in last year, local resident Dean Fischer told reporters Wednesday that his family had become increasingly terrified that the ghost haunting their house might be a pedophile. “At first, it seemed fine, but…

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CDC Warns Of Aggressive Rats Scavenging For Food

The Onion - Wed, 2020-05-27 08:59

According to the CDC, rats that normally feed on restaurant scraps are struggling to find new food sources as the pandemic keeps businesses locked down, causing the animals to become abnormally aggressive and, in some cases, resort to cannibalism and infanticide. What do you think?

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What Are ‘Coronavirus Parties,’ And Why Weren’t We Invited?

The Onion - Wed, 2020-05-27 08:53

More cases of Covid-19 are being traced back to the irresponsible trend of ‘corona parties,’ leaving our reporter Kenneth Neeley to wonder why he hasn’t been invited to one yet even though he’s great at parties.

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Trump Claims To Have Stopped Taking Hydroxychloroquine

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-26 16:42

In an interview this past Sunday, President Trump claimed he has completed a regimen of hydroxychloroquine, an anti-malarial drug being touted as a possible Covid-19 treatment that researchers say increases the risk of potentially fatal heart arrhythmias in patients. What do you think?

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Minneapolis Police Now Requiring Officers To Undergo Ergonomics Training To Better Protect Knees

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-26 15:56

MINNEAPOLIS—Apologizing for a lack of oversight following the death of George Floyd after police officer Derek Chauvin pinned him to the ground, Minneapolis Police Department officials announced Tuesday that they are now requiring all officers to undergo ergonomics training to better protect their knees. “After…

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DNC To Streamline Fundraising By Cutting Out Unnecessary Cost Of Campaigns, Candidates

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-26 14:05

WASHINGTON—In a letter to top donors explaining how their contributions would now be spent more efficiently than ever, the Democratic National Committee announced plans Tuesday to streamline its fundraising by completely eliminating the unnecessary costs of campaigns and candidates. “We’re confident that once our…

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Top So-Called Expired Items That Are Still Perfectly Good

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-26 13:22

Two pounds of ground beef from the back of the freezer: Or is it flank steak? It’ll be fine once it’s defrosted.

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Trump: ‘Even One Death That Makes Me Look Bad Is A Tragedy’

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-26 12:38

WASHINGTON—Seeking to provide comfort in the face of the coronavirus epidemic, President Donald Trump held a press conference Tuesday, reflecting sadly that even one death that makes him look bad is a tragedy. “Every single loss of human life that can be directly attributed to my actions is one too many,” said Trump,…

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