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The Onion
Sighing Banksy Methodically Kills Another Few Kids Who Stumbled Upon Him Doing Graffiti
BRISTOL, ENGLAND—Dropping his spray paint in annoyance and grabbing a length of extension cord, the anonymous street artist Banksy methodically killed another few kids Thursday after they stumbled upon him painting the side of a building. “Aw, Christ, not again,” said the famed muralist, who casually wrapped the cord…
Man Worried Experiences Of Cancun Trip Far Too Complex To Be Conveyed Through Single Keychain
CANCUN, MEXICO—Insisting none of the myriad souvenirs before him could possibly capture the all-inclusive resort’s fantastic buffet, local man Robert Washburn told reporters Wednesday he feared his Cancun vacation was far too complex to be conveyed through a single keychain. “Yes, of course, it’s true that I ‘heart’…
This Actually Good News, Contractor Reveals, Because Now You Know The Real Problem
Maybelline Announces It Will Stop Testing New Products On Unsuspecting Customers In The Middle Of The Night
NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the “secret program” would be forever suspended, Maybelline global president Leonardo Chavez announced Thursday that the company would stop testing new products on unsuspecting customers in the middle of night. “As of today, Maybelline will no longer test any of our products—including…
Man Hoping Girlfriend Doesn’t Notice Valentine’s Day Gift Came From Gas Station
Congress Reaches Tentative Deal For Border Security Deal
Congressional negotiators have reached a tentative deal to avert a shutdown, providing $1.375 billion for 55 new miles of border fencing in Texas’ Rio Grande Valley area, which some conservative pundits have criticized as far short of Trump’s requested amount. What do you think?
Spacecraft Travel From All Over Galaxy To Honor End Of Opportunity Rover’s Life
MARS—Journeying thousands of lightyears to honor their fallen peer, spacecraft traveled from all over the Milky Way to attend a ceremony celebrating the late Opportunity rover’s life, sources close to the deceased reported Wednesday. “We came as soon as we received the gamma-ray transmission informing us of…
Authorities Swiftly Announce 1,600 Washington Dairy Cows Found Mutilated, Arranged In Pentagram Killed By Blizzard
SUNNYSIDE, WA—Asserting that the matter was a simple weather-related livestock incident requiring no particular investigation, Washington state authorities announced first thing Wednesday morning that an unusually intense blizzard was responsible for the deaths of 1,600 mutilated dairy cows found arranged in a…
‘National Geographic’ Increases Ideological Diversity By Hiring First Anti-Tree-Frog Writer
WASHINGTON—As part of an ongoing effort to promote voices historically neglected by the magazine, National Geographic announced Wednesday that it would expand the ideological diversity of its masthead by hiring its first-ever writer opposed to tree frogs. “We grow stronger as a publication when we are able to provide…
Suicide Rates Falling Worldwide
A Global Burden of Disease analysis found that deaths per 100,000 people declined 32.7 percent since 1990, a promising finding that researchers attribute to greater spending on prevention. What do you think?
Sensei’s Assistant Really Getting His Ass Whipped
SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH—Visibly wincing while watching the sensei’s assistant being slammed repeatedly to the tatami mat, onlookers at Buckeye Aikido Academy confirmed Wednesday that understudy Barry Eiselmann was getting his ass absolutely whipped during a demonstration of basic takedowns. “Wow, he just fucking threw him…
Timeline Of Artificial Intelligence
Artificial intelligence has been at the forefront of technological innovation for decades, giving rise to thrilling possibilities as well as provoking controversy about its potential consequences for humankind. The Onion presents a timeline of artificial intelligence.
Trump Invites Supporter, BBC Cameraman To Finish Altercation At White House
WASHINGTON—Hoping to create a teachable moment after one of his supporters attacked a BBC cameraman at a rally in El Paso, TX, President Trump announced Tuesday he had invited the two men to join him at the White House so they could finish their altercation. “It’s time for these guys to acknowledge their differences…
Plummeting Insect Numbers Could Cause Collapse Of Ecosystems
A recent analysis found more than 40 percent of insect species are declining and a third are endangered, a development that threatens to upend ecosystems worldwide. What do you think?
Nation Horrified To Discover Cory Booker Already A Senator
WASHINGTON—Admitting they had just assumed the candidate was some kind of quirky billionaire or one of those CEOs who runs for president just to raise his profile, all 325 million Americans expressed horror Tuesday upon learning Cory Booker was a sitting U.S. senator. “He’s an elected official? In the United States …