The Onion

Cash-Strapped Zuckerberg Forced To Sell 11 Million Facebook Users

The Onion - Mon, 2018-09-17 13:27

MENLO PARK, CA—In what industry observers are calling an unprecedented liquidation of soft assets, a cash-strapped Mark Zuckerberg announced Monday that, following a precipitous drop in the value of the social media site’s stock, he had no choice but to to sell off 11 million Facebook users. “It’s a shame it had to…

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Luke, Owen Wilson Recall Meeting On Set Of ‘The Royal Tenenbaums’

The Onion - Mon, 2018-09-17 11:53

LOS ANGELES—Calling themselves “practically family” now, Luke and Owen Wilson fondly recalled Monday the first time they met while on the set of Wes Anderson’s 2001 film The Royal Tenenbaums. “I’d always heard about how great Luke was from Wes [Anderson], but it wasn’t until we were finally introduced that I knew he…

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White Castle Now Selling Veggie Burger Sliders Nationwide

The Onion - Mon, 2018-09-17 11:40

Fast food chain White Castle will sell a new slider made entirely from the plant-based Impossible Burger for $1.99. What do you think?

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Manafort Reaches Plea Deal With Special Counsel

The Onion - Fri, 2018-09-14 15:00

Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort reached an agreement with the special counsel’s office to head off further prosecution in exchange for cooperation. What do you think?

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Scientists Announce They’ve Completed Mapping The Human G-Spot

The Onion - Fri, 2018-09-14 12:23

PASADENA, CA—In a development hailed by leading sexual behaviorists as a “giant leap forward” in the field of erotomolecular biology, imaging scientists at the California Institute of Technology announced Friday they have completed the decades-long project of mapping the human G-spot. “Today, we have finally…

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Woman’s Children Officially Old Enough To Pony Up For Good Birthday Gift This Year

The Onion - Fri, 2018-09-14 12:14

PHILADELPHIA—Emphasizing that “a lousy homemade coupon for free hugs dashed off at the last minute won’t cut it any longer,” mother of three Andrea Wolner told reporters Friday that her children were now officially old enough to pony up for a meaningful birthday gift. “Andrew, Gabe, and Jessica have jobs at this…

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The Onion’s 2018 Emmy Predictions

The Onion - Fri, 2018-09-14 11:35

The 70th Primetime Emmy Awards, hosted by Michael Che and Colin Jost, will honor a combination of good and bad things that were on television from the past year. Here are The Onion’s predictions for this year’s winners.

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High School Drama Teacher Already Has Pretty Good Idea Who He’ll Pick For Fall Girlfriend

The Onion - Fri, 2018-09-14 11:32

DUBUQUE, IA—Noting his decades of teaching experience and keen eye for talent, East Dubuque High School drama teacher David Vargo already has a pretty good idea who he’ll pick to be this fall’s girlfriend. “There were so many strong contenders this year, so it took me a while to narrow it down, but at the end of the…

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Second Fatwa Issued On Salman Rushdie For Derivative, Uninspired 13th Novel

The Onion - Fri, 2018-09-14 11:24

TEHRAN, IRAN—Expressing consternation and disgust at the Man Booker Prize winner’s latest offering, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei issued a second fatwa against Salman Rushdie Friday for publishing a derivative and uninspired 13th novel, The Golden House. “This book is not only an affront to Allah, but also to any reader of…

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Mike Pence Struggling To Reckon With Vision Of Prophet Muhammad Revealing That VP Destined To Become Next President

The Onion - Fri, 2018-09-14 11:09

WASHINGTON—Deeply troubled by the communication received from a divine messenger, Mike Pence was reportedly struggling Friday to reckon with a recent vision of the Prophet Muhammad revealing that the vice president was destined to become the next president of the United States. “He told me that I was the chosen one…

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Frat Brothers Draw All Over Pledge Who Passed Away At Party

The Onion - Fri, 2018-09-14 11:05

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Calling the ordeal both “hilarious” and “classic Trevor,” representatives from Florida State’s Sigma Chi fraternity confirmed Friday that its brothers had drawn all over a pledge who passed away at a party. “Dude, Trev totally deserved to get fucked with because he passed away, like, super early last…

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Pope Summons World’s Bishops For Meeting On Sexual Abuse

The Onion - Fri, 2018-09-14 10:31

Pope Francis brought the world’s bishops to the Vatican this week to discuss protecting children from sexual abuse by clergy. What do you think?

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The Case For And Against Confirming Brett Kavanaugh

The Onion - Thu, 2018-09-13 16:43

Brett Kavanaugh, President Trump’s nominee for the Supreme Court seat vacated by Anthony Kennedy, generated a firestorm of controversy from the moment his nomination was announced and throughout his Senate Judiciary Committee hearings last week. The Onion presents the case for and against confirming Kavanaugh for the…

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New Smithsonian Exhibit Details How Fashion Pioneers Tamed The Frumpy West

The Onion - Thu, 2018-09-13 16:18

WASHINGTON—In celebration of the massive contributions made by America’s unsung couture heroes, the Smithsonian Institution’s National Museum Of American History opened a new exhibition Thursday chronicling the struggles of prêt-à-pioneers as they tamed the frumpy West. “These early fashionistas were true…

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Trump Redirected Nearly $10 Million In FEMA Funds Toward ICE

The Onion - Thu, 2018-09-13 16:11

Newly revealed documents show the Trump administration took nearly $10 million away from FEMA and other agencies to pay for immigration detention centers. What do you think?

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