The Onion

FDA Defends Decision To Reclassify Alternative Milks As ‘Nut Sweat’

The Onion - Thu, 2018-07-19 13:32

SILVER SPRINGS, MD—Addressing concerns that the naming practice could unfairly bias consumers against the products, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued a statement Thursday strongly defending the decision to reclassify alternative milks as “nut sweat.” “While we hope this new labeling helps clarify shopping…

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Man Unsure Whether To Tip Bathroom Attendant Just For Wiping His Ass

The Onion - Thu, 2018-07-19 12:55

NORFOLK, VA—Saying that the task is the sort of thing he usually prefers to do himself, restaurant customer Ryan Brooks admitted Thursday that he was unsure if he should tip the attendant in the bathroom of Norfolk’s Old Town Steakhouse simply for wiping his ass. “Not to belittle the guy’s job, but all he did was rip…

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This List Of Kids Holding Up Signs Saying That StarKist Tuna Gives Them The Energy They Need To Bully Their Classmates Will Only Come Down If StarKist Pays Us $90 Million

The Onion - Thu, 2018-07-19 12:45

Listen up, StarKist, things in the digital media industry have become pretty dire, and unfortunately ClickHole needs to resort to desperate measures to stay afloat. We hate to do this to you, but we’ve got a whole bunch of pictures of kids claiming that your canned tuna gives them the energy they need to bully their…

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Facebook Apologizes For Giving Mark Zuckerberg A Platform

The Onion - Thu, 2018-07-19 12:40

MENLO PARK, CA—In response to criticism about the social network’s failure to address the spread of falsehoods and offensive content on its site, Facebook apologized Thursday for giving Mark Zuckerberg a platform. “Lies and harassment have absolutely no place on Facebook, and we want to express our deep regret at…

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CNN Anchors Speechless After Guest Goes On Long, Coherent Thought

The Onion - Thu, 2018-07-19 12:27

NEW YORK—CNN Anchors Brooke Baldwin and Dana Bash reportedly sat speechless Thursday after their guest Dr. Gina Jimenez went on a long, coherent thought, unleashing a tirade of articulate points completely relevant to the topic at hand. “Dr. Jimenez, if I could just quickly interrupt you for a moment—could you please…

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Black Man At Walgreens Impressed By How Attentively Employees Tailing Him

The Onion - Thu, 2018-07-19 10:44

PHILADELPHIA—Saying he would not have been able to shake the eagle-eyed clerks even if he had wanted to, local black man Mike Chambers confirmed Thursday he was pretty impressed by how attentively Walgreens employees were tailing him. “Usually when I’m in a store, the cashiers just watch me from a distance while…

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Trump Backtracks On Siding With Russia Over U.S. Intelligence Community, Saying He Misspoke

The Onion - Thu, 2018-07-19 10:19

Facing bipartisan pushback for the recent statement, President Trump now says he misspoke and meant to say he saw “no reason why it wouldn’t be” Russia who interfered in the 2016 election, rather than “would be.” What do you think?

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Paul Ryan Worried History May Judge Him Harshly For Failure To Confront Tyrannical Food Stamp Abusers

The Onion - Wed, 2018-07-18 16:49

WASHINGTON—Expressing concern that he had not done enough to stop the oppressive Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, House Speaker Paul Ryan told reporters Wednesday that he was worried history may judge him harshly for his failure to confront the ruthless tyranny of government food stamp abusers. “What will I…

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Mueller Reveals Russia Investigation Just Elaborate Sting To Nail Clinton Child Sex-Slavery Ring

The Onion - Wed, 2018-07-18 15:32

WASHINGTON—Lauding President Trump for his invaluable role in the operation, Special Counsel Robert Mueller informed the public Wednesday that his so-called Russia investigation was in fact merely a cover for an elaborate sting to bring down the Clinton family’s child sex-slavery ring. “The Justice Department has…

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Obama Criticizes Trump In Address To Honor Nelson Mandela's 100th Birthday

The Onion - Wed, 2018-07-18 13:59

In a speech on Nelson Mandela’s birthday, former President Obama warned of “strongman politics” in a veiled criticism of President Trump. What do you think?

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Papa John’s Founder Launches New Chain Of Fast-Casual Segregated Lunch Counters

The Onion - Wed, 2018-07-18 13:44

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to turn over a new leaf after being ousted from his own company last week, Papa John’s founder John Schnatter announced plans Wednesday to launch a new chain of fast-casual segregated lunch counters across the Deep South. “I just want to get back to the basics of making good, home-cooked…

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Bill & Melinda Gates Shocked To Learn Ghanaian School Never Intended To Pay Back Money Lent To Them

The Onion - Wed, 2018-07-18 12:55

SEATTLE, WA—Calling their intended investment “$20 million down the goddamn drain,” philanthropist Bill Gates and wife Melinda released a statement Wednesday saying they were shocked to learn that the Akantome Elementary School in Ejura, Ghana had neither a plan in place nor indeed any intention to return funds…

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The Road Worrier

The Onion - Wed, 2018-07-18 12:08
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New Aphasia Study Finds Empty Fullness Brokered Yellow Ideas Happily

The Onion - Wed, 2018-07-18 11:42

SAN FRANCISCO—Signaling a major breakthrough in the field of round electric pungent brick merriment, a new aphasia study released by the University of California, San Francisco’s Department of Integrative Neuroscience Wednesday found that empty fullness brokered yellow ideas happily. “After carefully examining the…

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Scientists Bring Dying Organs Back To Life

The Onion - Wed, 2018-07-18 10:49

Researchers have discovered they can restore organ cells to life by injecting them with mitochondria in a method that they have already used to help human infants with heart defects. What do you think?

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France Wins World Cup

The Onion - Tue, 2018-07-17 16:54

France triumphed over the underdog Croatian team 4-2 to earn its second World Cup title, and first since hosting the tournament in 1998. What do you think?

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