The Onion

Man Wonders If Tambourine Player Actually That Happy In Real Life

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-27 11:05

MINNEAPOLIS—Pondering aloud about the performer’s upbeat, cheery nature, local man James Webber, 34, reportedly wondered Wednesday if the tambourine player in the band he was watching was actually that happy in real life. “Look at that huge smile on her face while she just hits that tambourine and taps her foot, you…

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First Conversation With New Coworker Goes Off Like Absolute Shit

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-27 11:00

SARASOTA, FL—Consternation reportedly struck local sales lead Ryan Carlyle Wednesday after his first conversation with a new coworker went off like absolute shit. “Hard to say if I could’ve fucked up what should have been a normal introductory exchange worse than I did,” said Carlyle following a strained three-minute…

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Florida Bans Schools From Teaching Anything Besides Misadventures Of Best Friends George Washington And Jesus Christ

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-27 08:00

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Claiming that the public education system indoctrinated students with liberal rhetoric, Florida lawmakers passed a new bill Tuesday that banned schools from teaching students anything besides the misadventures of the two best friends George Washington and Jesus Christ. “In classrooms across our state,…

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What To Know About Kevin McCarthy

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-27 08:00

House minority leader Kevin McCarthy, a California Republican, has recently come under fire for his role in allegedly obstructing the investigation of the January 6 Capitol riot. The Onion tells you what you need to know about McCarthy and the current controversy.

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Child Who Was Saved From Train Tracks By Angel Kind Of Disappointed It Wasn’t Spider-Man

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-27 08:00

NEW YORK—While expressing appreciation for the last-minute averting of his demise, local 9-year-old Liam Richter told reporters Wednesday that despite being saved from the train tracks by an angel, he was he was still kind of disappointed it wasn’t Spider-Man. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I didn’t get hit by the…

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Emmanuel Macron Wins Reelection Against Far-Right Candidate

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-27 08:00

French President Emmanuel Macron has won reelection against far-right candidate Marie Le Pen, making Macron the first French president in 20 years to win reelection since Jacque Chirac defeated Le Pen’s father in 2002. What do you think?

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Mark Zuckerberg Asks Hawaiian Neighbor To Cut Down Unsightly, Overgrown Rainforest

The Onion - Tue, 2022-04-26 15:35

KAUAI, HI—Growing increasingly frustrated by the lack of respect shown to his 1,500-acre estate, Mark Zuckerberg reportedly asked his Hawaiian neighbor this week to cut down the unsightly, overgrown rainforest encroaching his property. “It’s unfair that there’s this gigantic canopy of native trees completely…

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Elon Musk To Buy Twitter For $44 Billion

The Onion - Tue, 2022-04-26 14:15

Twitter has accepted billionaire Elon Musk’s offer to buy the social media company and take it private in a $44 billion deal that will put the world’s richest man in charge of one of the world’s most influential social media platforms. What do you think?

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Flight Crews React To The End Of Mask Mandates

The Onion - Tue, 2022-04-26 09:11

While many Americans were horrified by the FAA’s decision to drop mask mandates, an equal number were overjoyed. The Onion asked several flight crew members how they felt about the change, and this is what they said.

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Goo Goo Dulls

The Onion - Tue, 2022-04-26 09:05
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Disney World Fortifies Borders With Armed Characters As Park Announces Plan To Secede From Florida

The Onion - Tue, 2022-04-26 08:00

ORLANDO, FL—Announcing that the 25,000-acre resort was now officially a part of the independent and sovereign Reedy Creek Improvement Republic, Disney World was reportedly fortifying its borders with armed characters Monday as the theme park shared its plan to secede from Florida. “Florida can try to dissolve our…

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Childless Uncle Announces Plans To Get Third Fucked Up Dog

The Onion - Tue, 2022-04-26 08:00

RALEIGH, NC—Emphasizing that he was just looking for a nice pup to give a quiet, loving home, childless uncle Frank Felton reportedly announced his plans Tuesday to get a third incredibly fucked up dog. “Well, I’ve had Ginger here for 14 years, and Coco for 16, so I think whoever I adopt would fit right in,” said…

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Domino’s Under Fire For Sharing Pizza Topping Data With Police

The Onion - Tue, 2022-04-26 08:00

ANN ARBOR, MI—Blasting the move as a “total breach of the public’s trust,” Domino’s came under fire Tuesday after a report revealed the chain had shared pizza topping data with police. “It’s disturbing, and frankly alarming, that Domino’s willingly handed over their customer’s detailed personal cheese, meat, and crust…

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Real Estate Agent Driven Insane By Endless Possibilities Of Nook

The Onion - Tue, 2022-04-26 08:00

PHOENIX—Struggling to truly comprehend the all of the recessed area’s myriad uses, local real estate agent Brenda Estrada was reportedly driven insane Tuesday by the endless possibilities of a nook. “This nook could be anything, I tell you. Anything,” said Estrada, explaining that it could be the perfect place to eat…

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Florida Bride, Caterer Arrested For Lacing Wedding Food With Marijuana

The Onion - Tue, 2022-04-26 08:00

A Florida bride and caterer have been criminally charged after secretly serving food laced with marijuana to their wedding guests, several of whom complained of feeling drugged and were sent to the hospital. What do you think?

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Woman Calls Out Sauce Stain On Her Shirt In Order To Control The Narrative

The Onion - Tue, 2022-04-26 08:00

NEWPORT NEWS, VA—Impressing all onlookers with her powerful ability to shape discourse, local woman Ainsley Bishop reportedly called out a sauce stain on her shirt Tuesday in order to control the narrative. “Yeah, I know I’ve got a stain on my shirt—it’s from lunch,” said Bishop of the ketchup stain on her garment in…

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Woman Rescued After Falling Into Outhouse Toilet Trying To Get Phone

The Onion - Mon, 2022-04-25 16:50

A woman who was hiking in a national forest in Washington state accidentally dropped her phone into the hole of a vault toilet and fell in while trying to retrieve it, where she was trapped for an hour before being rescued by firefighters. What do you think?

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