The Onion

FEMA Officials Panic After Accidentally Evacuating 1 Million Residents In Direction Of Hurricane

The Onion - Thu, 2018-09-13 14:40

GREENVILLE, NC—As the massive, potentially life-threatening storm began to make landfall in the Carolinas Thursday morning, officials from the Federal Emergency Management Agency were reportedly panicking after realizing they accidentally evacuated 1 million residents in the direction of Hurricane Florence. “Oh God,…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Freeloading Refugee Children Taking Up Thousands Of Prison Cells Meant For Real Americans

The Onion - Thu, 2018-09-13 14:05

MESA, AZ—Disgusted by the gross misuse of resources, concerned citizen and self-described patriot Andrew Beardsley voiced his anger Thursday concerning the thousands of refugee children currently occupying prison cells that could be used to incarcerate real Americans. “It makes me sick to think of these freeloading…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Pope Francis On Vatican Abuse Scandal: ‘Just Tell Me Whose Feet To Wash’

The Onion - Thu, 2018-09-13 13:58

VATICAN CITY—In response to criticism of his handling of the Catholic Church’s ongoing child sex abuse scandal, Pope Francis instructed reporters Thursday to just tell him whose feet he needs to wash. “Look, just let me know whose feet I need to wash so we can fix this,” said His Holiness, gesturing toward a bucket…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Woman Starting To Worry She Just Has Type Of Face Where Makeup Looks Insane

The Onion - Thu, 2018-09-13 13:33

HOLDEN, MO—Having attempted numerous variations of color combinations and application techniques over the last two decades with only poor results to show for the effort, local woman Jessica Greenwald told reporters Thursday that she’s starting to worry that she just has the type of face where makeup looks completely…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

The Onion - Thu, 2018-09-13 13:12

BAKERSFIELD, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in California in which a lone attacker killed six individuals, including himself, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Thursday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place.…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

The Onion’s 2018 Fall Movie Preview

The Onion - Thu, 2018-09-13 12:44

Awards season is here, with a variety of biopics, prestige dramas, and politically charged movies vying to join the long list of wildly overrated Oscar winners. The Onion presents a guide to the most anticipated films of fall 2018.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Pony Anxiously Waiting For Attendant To Flag Large Child As Too Big For Ride

The Onion - Thu, 2018-09-13 12:29

MONROE, WA—His eyes rolling in his head and his mane tossing as he contemplated the approach of the hulking figure in line at his paddock, Camp Hamilton resident Shetland pony Murph experienced an equine anxiety attack Thursday while waiting for his trainer to flag an unusually large child as being too big for a ride.…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Apple Releases Three New iPhones

The Onion - Thu, 2018-09-13 11:54

Apple released three new iPhones at their Wednesday keynote, including a supersized 6.5-inch phone, while doing away with the home button entirely. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Nurse’s Tray All Scalpels

The Onion - Thu, 2018-09-13 11:07
Categories: The Onion

Casting Bawl

The Onion - Thu, 2018-09-13 10:52
Categories: The Onion

Apple Fans Disappointed After Company Unveils Same Overpriced CEO That Barely Fucking Works

The Onion - Wed, 2018-09-12 16:43

CUPERTINO, CA—Expressing fear that the Silicon Valley giant may be running out of ideas, the nation’s Apple fans expressed disappointment Wednesday after the company once again unveiled the exact same overpriced CEO that barely fucking works. “I’ve come to expect a certain degree of innovation from Apple, but now they…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

More Than 1 Million Ordered To Evacuate Due To Hurricane Florence

The Onion - Wed, 2018-09-12 14:09

Over a million residents of the Carolinas and Virginia have been ordered to evacuate in anticipation of Hurricane Florence. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Apple Announces New Trade-In Offer For Customers To Exchange Their Old iPhones For Absolutely Nothing

The Onion - Wed, 2018-09-12 13:12

CUPERTINO, CA—Saying the new policy was part of the company’s unwavering commitment to consumer relations, Apple announced Wednesday an unprecedented offer that will allow its customers to trade in their old iPhones and, in return, receive absolutely nothing. “If you’re a member of the Apple community with an older…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Whoa, Slow Down There, Buddy. Nobody Dates My Daughter Without Telling Me Which ‘Sailor Moon’ Character They Are First

The Onion - Wed, 2018-09-12 12:50

Hey now, slow your roll there, chief. I don’t know what you think this is, but there’s no way in hell that you’re dating my little angel until you tell me which ‘Sailor Moon’ character you are first. Now go ahead and get comfortable so we can start this quiz.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Man Going To Restroom Deputizes Friend To Order Him Another Beer

The Onion - Wed, 2018-09-12 12:12

HYANNIS, MA—Officially transferring authority for the duration of his planned absence, area man Will Lewis deputized his friend to order him another beer while he went to the restroom, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Hey, grab me another drink if the bartender comes back around,” said Lewis during a brief ceremony in…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

7 Venmo Transactions Between Luke And Owen Wilson That Make It Seem Like They’ve Been Practicing Dentistry On Each Other

The Onion - Wed, 2018-09-12 10:50

Luke and Owen Wilson may be most well-known for their acting, but a cursory look at their Venmo feeds suggests that they’ve been up to a whole lot more than just movies. Here are seven Venmo transactions that make it seem like the two brothers have been practicing dentistry on each other.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Dermatologist Recommends Not Caring So Much What Other People Think

The Onion - Wed, 2018-09-12 10:42

TUCSON, AZ—While discussing the long-sought secrets of luminous, blemish-free skin, dermatologist Dr. Risa Helene strongly recommended Wednesday that patients commit to a routine of not caring so much what other people think. “The best treatment out there—far healthier than vitamin-rich creams or clinically tested…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Sweatshop Worker Doesn’t Even Want To Know Working Conditions Of Place Her Company Gets Fabric

The Onion - Wed, 2018-09-12 10:32

DHAKA, BANGLADESH—Attempting to shake her thoughts regarding the horrific possibilities of the textile manufacturing industry, sweatshop worker Shanta Banek told reporters Wednesday that she doesn’t even want to know the working conditions of the facility where her company sources the fabric for their garments. “I…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion
Syndicate content