The Onion

U.S. To Combat Growing Disillusionment By Playing New National Pump-Up Anthem Throughout Country

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-19 16:05

The growing coronavirus death toll paired with weeks of social isolation is damaging the nation’s morale, but that all might be about to change. Hear how the U.S. plans to combat our collective sense of dread by blaring a brand-new national pump-up anthem at full volume across the country.

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Trump Says He Taking Hydroxychloroquine

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-19 15:58

President Trump told reporters he has been taking hydroxychloroquine for two weeks to prevent Covid-19, flouting its unproven nature and FDA warnings about its use outside of a hospital setting due to the risk of serious heart problems. What do you think?

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Growing Drug Tolerance Drives Trump To Buy Black-Tar Hydroxychloroquine Off Dealer In D.C. Metro Station

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-19 15:54

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the 800 mg tablets he’s been crushing up and snorting were no longer doing the trick, President Donald Trump was reportedly driven to buy black-tar hydroxychloroquine off a drug dealer in a D.C. metro station Tuesday due to his growing tolerance for the prescription medicine. “Come on,…

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Amazon Institutes New ‘Hero Tax’ Charging Essential Workers Additional $2 Per Hour For Honor Of Bravely Performing Job

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-19 13:18

SEATTLE—Calling it a “beautiful tribute” to the men and women who put their lives on the line every single day, Amazon instituted a new “hero tax” Tuesday, charging essential workers an additional $2 per hour for the honor of bravely performing their jobs. “Starting today, each and every hard-working, essential…

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‘This Is A Crazy Time, And It’s Okay If You’re Scared’ Says Man Burying Gagged Prisoner Alive

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-19 13:03

BUCKHORN, CA—Telling the visibly fearful man that his emotions were both valid and entirely understandable, local 32-year-old Kevin Stewart reportedly observed that it was a crazy time and okay to be scared as he spoke Tuesday to the bound and gagged prisoner he was burying alive in the remote wilderness. “Listen, I…

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High Production Values Most Suspicious Part Of Conspiracy Theory Video

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-19 11:28

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Noting that something just simply didn’t add up, local man Lucas Miller confirmed Tuesday that the most suspicious aspect of the conspiracy theory video he was watching was the high production values. “I admit I have my questions about what they’re hiding in the tunnels below the Denver Airport, but…

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10 Songs You Didn’t Know Were Written About Celebrities

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-19 10:53

“You Oughta Know” – Alanis Morissette (1995): While speculation has persisted for years regarding just whom Morissette was addressing in this timeless cut off the celebrated ’90s album Jagged Little Pill, the songwriter herself recently admitted what many had long suspected: The tune was written about renowned actor…

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Rusty LeBron James Unable To Identify A Basketball

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-19 09:18

LOS ANGELES—Repeatedly pointing at round objects around his house and noting that they looked familiar, rusty NBA superstar LeBron James reportedly took a clock off of his wall Tuesday and asked if it was a basketball after totally forgetting how to identify one. “Okay, it’s round, which is good, but I can’t remember…

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Obama, Malala Among Headliners For Virtual Commencement

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-19 09:06

Telling graduates that they were uniquely equipped to confront the pandemic and create a better world, President Obama joined Malala Yousafzai, LeBron James, and dozens of other luminaries to toast the class of 2020 in a virtual commencement ceremony. What do you think?

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Americans React With Indifference After First Case Of Coronavirus Spreading To Pet Ferret

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-19 08:58

The coronavirus is claiming new victims today as the CDC announced the first confirmed case of Covid-19 in a ferret. Hear just how little of a shit Americans could give about the new discovery.

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Mount St. Helens’ Anniversary Brings Divided Nation Together To Remember Grisly Scene In ‘Dante’s Peak’ When Dude’s Elbow Pops Out

The Onion - Mon, 2020-05-18 17:24

SKAMANIA COUNTY, WA—Reflecting on the 40th anniversary of the tragic eruption of Mount St. Helens, a divided nation was brought together Monday to solemnly remember the grisly moment in 1997’s Dante’s Peak when fictional character Harry Dalton’s elbow burst through the skin. “Wow, the sight of ash, smoke, and rocks…

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Stocks Rally On Hope For Coronavirus Vaccine

The Onion - Mon, 2020-05-18 15:07

Positive news from a scientific trial by drug maker Moderna stoked optimism about a potential coronavirus vaccine, sending the Dow up more than 650 points, or 2.8%. What do you think?

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Recipe Calls For Banana As If Man Has Access To Fucking Caribbean Street Market

The Onion - Mon, 2020-05-18 15:05

NEWPORT, OR—Bewildered at the inclusion of the tropical fruit among the required ingredients, local man Andrew Collins confirmed Monday that the muffin recipe he was baking called for bananas as if he had easy access to a fucking Caribbean street market. “Where the hell am I going to find one of those?” said Collins…

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Coworkers On Zoom Trapped In Infinite Loop Of Telling Each Other ‘Oh Sorry, No, Go Ahead’

The Onion - Mon, 2020-05-18 13:44

LOS ANGELES—Coworkers at the advertising firm Horizon Group remained trapped in an infinite loop of telling one another “Oh sorry, no, go ahead,” during a morning Zoom teleconference, sources confirmed Monday. “No, no, my bad, definitely go ahead,” said copywriter Lance Reddick, pausing three hours into the apparently…

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Terrifying Implications: Leaked Nintendo Source Code Could Give Terrorists The Ability To Weaponize Kirby

The Onion - Mon, 2020-05-18 13:20

Early May brought disturbing news for Nintendo fans everywhere as the company’s source code leaked only, exposing sensitive information ranging from detailed hardware specs to programming secrets. The loss of intellectual property has one terrifying possibility that should shock individuals across the globe: A rogue…

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Unplanned 2:30 A.M. Trip Through Steven Seagal’s Wikipedia Page Worth Every Goddamn Second

The Onion - Mon, 2020-05-18 12:50

CHICAGO—Describing the experience as “pure joy” from start to finish, area woman Emma Calbert told reporters Monday her unplanned but fortuitous 2:30 a.m. trip through Steven Seagal’s Wikipedia entry, which kept her up later than usual last night, was worth every goddamn second. “I wound up there after stumbling…

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God Recalls Getting Start As Backup Dancer Before Making It Big As Deity

The Onion - Mon, 2020-05-18 12:45

THE HEAVENS—Reflecting on how far He had come since His early days on the live music circuit, The Lord God Almighty spoke to reporters Monday, recalling his start as a backup dancer before He made it big as a deity. “It’s kind of crazy to think about it now, but back then, I was basically just a glorified extra in…

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