The Onion

Senate Leaders Warn It Too Early To Discuss Trump

The Onion - Tue, 2018-07-17 16:25

WASHINGTON—In response to public outcry over his recent controversial press conference with Russian president Vladimir Putin, Senate leaders cautioned Tuesday that it was far too early to discuss Trump. “We understand that many Americans may not agree with everything the president says, but these calls for the Senate…

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World Wonders What Trump Has On United States That’s Forcing Nation To Keep Him In Power

The Onion - Tue, 2018-07-17 15:58

EARTH—Assuming the controversial president of the United States must be in possession of potentially damning information concerning his home country in order to keep them so completely under his control, the rest of the world wondered aloud Tuesday about exactly what Trump has on America that compels the nation to…

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New Tesla Model 3 Goes From Zero To Engulfed In Flames In 3.5 Seconds

The Onion - Tue, 2018-07-17 15:23

PALO ALTO, CA—Boasting that drivers and critics alike would be awed by the car’s pyrotechnic performance, Elon Musk announced Tuesday that every new Tesla Model 3 sold would be capable of going from zero to engulfed in flames in just 3.5 seconds. “The Model 3 is the most efficient, fastest-burning passenger car…

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Distraught Mueller Burns Every Piece Of Evidence In Case After Hearing Trump’s Critique Of U.S. Intelligence Community

The Onion - Tue, 2018-07-17 14:13

WASHINGTON—Tossing a lit match on the assemblage of kerosene-doused case files, transcripts, and seized hard drives, Special Counsel Robert Mueller burned every piece of evidence in his investigation into 2016 election interference Tuesday after hearing President Trump’s pointed critique of the U.S. intelligence…

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Supporters Praise Trump For Upholding Traditional American Value Of Supporting Murderous Dictators For Political Gain

The Onion - Tue, 2018-07-17 13:16

WASHINGTON—In the aftermath of the president’s controversial meeting with Russian president Vladimir Putin in Finland, supporters reportedly praised Donald Trump Tuesday for upholding the traditional American value of supporting murderous dictators for political gain. “It is a proud moment in American history to…

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Most Infamous Cults In History

The Onion - Tue, 2018-07-17 11:23

People have long been fascinated by cults, and by what possesses someone to join these tightly knit, secretive, and often violent social groups. The Onion looks back at the most infamous cults in history.

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Man Feels Less Guilty About Gentrifying Eastern European Neighborhood

The Onion - Tue, 2018-07-17 11:05

CHICAGO—Although his move comes on a wave of rising rents and shifting demographics, area man Blake Joyner felt only moderately guilty this week about his role in gentrifying a historically Eastern European neighborhood. “Don’t get me wrong, people of Eastern European descent face their fair share of problems, but I…

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Theresa May: Trump Told Me To Sue The EU

The Onion - Tue, 2018-07-17 10:52

British prime minister Theresa May revealed that President Trump told her to “sue the EU” in order to successfully complete Brexit, but noted she thought the suggestion was “too brutal.” What do you think?

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Woman Informs Husband That He Made New Friend

The Onion - Tue, 2018-07-17 10:48

ANN ARBOR, MI—Noting that the two had really seemed to hit it off at the neighborhood barbeque, Sheila Glaspy informed her husband Mark that he had made a brand-new friend, family sources confirmed Tuesday. “Wow, you had a great time talking to Dennis tonight,” Glaspy told her husband, commenting that Mark and his new…

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GOP Leaders Move Goalposts On Opposing Trump To Him Being Filmed Masturbating On U.S. Flag In Arlington Cemetery

The Onion - Mon, 2018-07-16 18:24

WASHINGTON—Promising citizens that they would finally take action if the President crossed this new red line, GOP leaders announced Monday that they were moving their goalposts for opposing Trump to him being filmed masturbating on an American flag in Arlington National Cemetery. “After today’s attack on U.S.…

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Trump Sits Down With Putin

The Onion - Mon, 2018-07-16 16:29

Amid mounting findings about Russian interference in the 2016 election, President Trump will sit down with Vladimir Putin in an attempt to normalize relations and improve bilateral ties. What do you think?

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New ICE Agent Establishes Dominance By Beating Up Biggest Child Prisoner On First Day

The Onion - Mon, 2018-07-16 15:02

MCALLEN, TX—In an effort to teach other juvenile detainees to keep their distance, newly hired ICE agent Kevin Michelson revealed this week that he had established dominance on his first day by beating up the biggest child prisoner he could find. “Just to make sure the pecking order in this place is crystal clear, I…

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Poll Finds 97% Of Americans Don’t Know Who Donald Trump Is

The Onion - Mon, 2018-07-16 14:13

WASHINGTON—With results that were consistent across every demographic group in all 50 states, a poll published Monday by the Pew Research Center revealed that 97 percent of U.S. citizens do not know who Donald Trump is. “When interviewed, the overwhelming majority of Americans did not recognize Donald Trump’s name,…

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Bodybuilder Strong, But Now What?

The Onion - Mon, 2018-07-16 13:33

AMES, IA—Staring wistfully in the mirror as he flexed his tanned, oversized muscles, local bodybuilder Jai Dragovich told reporters Monday that ever since he became sufficiently strong, he couldn’t help but wonder: now what? “I’ve been so busy finding out how much weight I could lift that I never paused to ask if this…

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Order Restored: The Guy In The Office Who Was Always Watching The World Cup Is Back To Having Nothing

The Onion - Mon, 2018-07-16 13:27

After a prolonged disruption in the natural structure of the universe, order has finally been restored: The guy in the office who was always watching the World Cup is back to having absolutely nothing.

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