The Onion

Record Number Of Women To Take Seats In Congress

The Onion - Fri, 2018-11-09 17:11

More than 100 women will take seats in the House of Representatives next year, a high watermark for nationwide representation. What do you think?

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Reddi-Wip Casually Announces Their Nozzles Can Easily Fit Into Most Orifices

The Onion - Fri, 2018-11-09 16:54

CHICAGO—In a matter-of-fact press release addressed to “consumers who might be interested in this sort of thing,” ConAgra Foods informally announced Friday that their Reddi-Wip nozzles can easily fit into most orifices on the human body. “Since our founding in 1948, we’ve been committed to providing Americans with…

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City Officials Warn Against Flushing Feminine Hygiene Products After Finding 8-Foot-Long, 250-Pound Tampon Lurking In Sewers

The Onion - Fri, 2018-11-09 15:50

NEW YORK CITY—Emphasizing that the discovery had put the residents of New York in grave danger, officials warned Friday against flushing feminine hygiene products after discovering an 8-foot-long, 250-pound tampon lurking in the sewers. “While the tampon may have started out just a few inches long at first, its…

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Georgia GOP Demands Stacey Abrams Step Down As Candidate To Avoid Conflict Of Interest

The Onion - Fri, 2018-11-09 15:09

ATLANTA—As votes continued to be counted to determine the outcome of the controversial Georgia governor’s race, the state’s GOP officials reportedly demanded on Friday that Stacey Abrams step down as the Democratic candidate to avoid a conflict of interest. “It’s clear that the integrity of this important election…

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Study Finds Mediterranean Diet Adds Years To Your Life, But Only By Taking Them Away From Others

The Onion - Fri, 2018-11-09 13:58

SOUTH KINGSTOWN, RI—Researchers at the University of Rhode Island published a study Friday revealing that the Mediterranean diet can, in fact, add years to one’s life, but only by taking them away from others. “Our study confirms that a diet rich in foods such as olive oil, fish, and green vegetables can extend one’s…

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Tips For Ending A Friendship

The Onion - Fri, 2018-11-09 13:41

Just like any relationship, friendships can reach a point where they’re not beneficial to both participants, but ending one gracefully can be complicated. The Onion offers the best tips for ending a friendship.

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Astronomers Confirm Moon Will Have Dozens Of New Phases In 2019

The Onion - Fri, 2018-11-09 13:30

HOUSTON, TX—Predicting that the upcoming lunar looks would delight stargazers all over the world, astronomers confirmed Friday that the moon will have dozens of new phases in 2019. “We are excited to announce that as of next year, the moon will add several new and exciting shapes to its usual crescent-shaped phases,”…

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Trump Says He Hopes To Work With Democrats On Infrastructure, Drug Pricing

The Onion - Fri, 2018-11-09 11:40

In a Wednesday press conference, President Trump said that he hopes to work together with the newly victorious House Democrats on issues ranging from infrastructure to drug pricing. What do you think?

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Mueller Annoyed By Dipshit Protestors Holding Up Traffic During Commute

The Onion - Thu, 2018-11-08 19:05

WASHINGTON—Laying on his horn while stuck in bumper-to-bumper gridlock, an annoyed special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly screamed at “dipshit protestors” from his car Thursday as a MoveOn rally held up traffic during his nightly commute. “Get a move on, assholes! Some of us have actual paying jobs and want to get…

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Jeff Sessions Forced Out As Attorney General

The Onion - Thu, 2018-11-08 17:39

President Trump forced Attorney General Jeff Sessions to resign, replacing him with a loyalist who could endanger the independence of the special counsel investigation. What do you think?

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Department Of Interior Reopens National Parks After Filling In All Canyons Posing Hazardous Fall Risk To Visitors

The Onion - Thu, 2018-11-08 16:30

WASHINGTON—Apologizing for the delay as they worked to correct the dangerous oversight, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Thursday that they had reopened the country’s national parks after finally filling in all the canyons posing hazardous fall risks to visitors. “We are proud to announce that we’ve…

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‘Sir, You Stated You Wanted To Modernize The Grinch For Today’s Audience,’ Says New CNN Entertainment Reporter Jim Acosta

The Onion - Thu, 2018-11-08 15:24

LOS ANGELES—In a heated exchange during a contentious press conference, new CNN entertainment reporter Jim Acosta pressed film directors Scott Mosier and Yarrow Cheney Thursday on an earlier statement they had made concerning their desire to modernize the Grinch for today’s audience. “Sir, you’re on record stating…

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Anguished, Screaming Trump Bans Father’s Ghost From Press Room For Silently Pointing At Him

The Onion - Thu, 2018-11-08 15:10

WASHINGTON—Forcefully closing his eyes, grasping his head with both hands, and repeatedly screaming to be left alone, a visibly anguished President Donald Trump was observed Thursday banning the ghost of his late father, Fred Trump, from the press room for silently pointing at him. “You will not stare and raise your…

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Mueller Wondering Why There All This Drama Over Trump’s Unpaid Parking Violations

The Onion - Thu, 2018-11-08 14:24

WASHINGTON—Expressing confusion as to why everyone was getting so worked up, special counsel Robert Mueller was reportedly wondering Thursday why there was all this drama over Donald Trump’s unpaid parking violations. “I mean, sure, he got some parking tickets, and he really should pay the fines, but it feels like…

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