The Onion

SILENCED: Harrowing Photos From The Onion Office 3 Long Hours Into Our Twitter Ban

The Onion - Thu, 2022-04-21 13:55

Without social media, we turned to snacks. When the snacks dried up, we turned on each other.

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Twitter, Enemy Of First Amendment Rights, Permanently Bans The Onion

The Onion - Thu, 2022-04-21 13:42

Twitter has permanently banned America’s most prestigious news publication, The Onion, in a huge overreach of power that encroaches on the mass media company’s first amendment rights, which critics are calling the beginning of the end for journalistic freedoms in the U.S. at the hands of brutal social media tyrants.…

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It’s Been 11 Minutes Since The Onion Was Banned From Twitter. So Why Isn’t The Mainstream Media Covering This?

The Onion - Thu, 2022-04-21 11:11

A darkness has fallen upon the Fourth Estate. It is a darkness only seen after a nation’s sole beacon of journalistic truth-telling is snuffed out. One might surmise that such an affront to the First Amendment would warrant an immediate response from lesser news outlet seeking to express solidarity in the fight for…

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BREAKING: The Onion Has Been Permanently Banned From Twitter

The Onion - Thu, 2022-04-21 11:00

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

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FDA Investigating Reports Of Illness From Lucky Charms

The Onion - Thu, 2022-04-21 08:00

The FDA is investigating breakfast cereal Lucky Charms after receiving more than 100 claims over the last year that the cereal made consumers sick, while an additional 3,000 people have posted complaints about the cereal on the food safety website, iwaspoisoned.com. What do you think?

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BREAKING: Our Intern Is Being Forced Into A Hunger Strike Until Twitter Lifts Our Ban

The Onion - Thu, 2022-04-21 01:34

CHICAGO—In accordance with the fine print in his contract, The Onion’s intern Sam Kotson was forced into a hunger strike Thursday, a protest that will continue until Twitter lifts our ban. “As of this morning, our low-level unpaid intern will be forcibly compelled to forgo all food until Twitter ends its malignant…

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Judge Approves Effort To Remove Marjorie Taylor Greene From Ballot

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-20 15:24

A judge has ruled the lawsuit challenging Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene’s qualifications to run for reelection can proceed, which alleges that she violated the 14th Amendment by engaging in obstructing the transfer of presidential power. What do you think?

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Signs Your Spouse May Be Using You For Money

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-20 15:00

Remember, the entire institution of marriage was designed for financial gain. Here are several signs your spouse might be using you for money.

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Blood Spatter Analyst Concludes It’s All The Red Stuff

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-20 13:30

DENVER—As part of an ongoing investigation into a brutal homicide that so far has no clear suspects, an official report released Wednesday by the Denver Police Department’s senior blood spatter analyst concluded that it’s all the red stuff. “After conducting a thorough examination of the crime scene, we were able to…

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Encouraging Reports Confirm Explosions Near Afghan School Kill Zero Ukrainians

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-20 11:25

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—With the final casualty figures still being determined, encouraging reports confirmed that multiple devastating explosions outside a large public school in western Kabul Wednesday had not killed any Ukrainian civilians. “We can all breathe a sigh of relief knowing that while the dead are still being…

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Company Culture Mostly Clapping

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-20 08:00
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Mayonnaise Label Warns Product For External Use Only

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-20 08:00

AMES, IA—Alerting consumers to the potential dangers of ingesting the condiment, a Hellmann’s mayonnaise label reportedly warned Wednesday that the product was for external use only. “Warning: Do not ingest!” read the label in part, explaining that the topical condiment could cause adverse reactions if administered…

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Florida Rejects Dozens Of Math Textbooks Over Critical Race Theory

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-20 08:00

Florida’s education department has rejected 54 mathematics textbooks from next year’s school curriculum, with 21% of the books banned for allegedly referencing critical race theory and other prohibited topics. What do you think?

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What You Need To Know About ‘Ghost Guns’

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-20 08:00

The Justice Department announced new legislation to regulate “ghost guns,” which are becoming increasingly prevalent in the U.S. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about ghost guns.

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Report: 73% Of America’s Food Waste Traced To Really Messy Toddler

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-20 08:00

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Wednesday by USDA’s Economic Research Service, 73% of food waste in the United States can be traced back to one really messy toddler. “Our collected data show that almost three quarters of the 60 billion tons of food thrown out every year in this country is due to 2-year-old…

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