The Onion

Report: 17% Of Easter Egg Hunts End In Child Setting Off Landmine

The Onion - Sun, 2022-04-17 08:00

BOSTON—Warning parents to be on the lookout for unexploded ordinance during the traditional springtime festivity, a report released Sunday by researchers at Northeastern University found that 17% of all Easter egg hunts end with a child setting off a landmine. “Our survey concluded that a young child was blown up…

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GOP Withdraws From Presidential Debate Panel

The Onion - Fri, 2022-04-15 14:12

The Republican National Committee voted to withdraw from the commission responsible for organizing presidential debates, taking cues from former President Trump, who has repeatedly leveled accusations of anti-Republican bias against the group. What do you think?

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Dianne Feinstein Argues She Still Perfectly Mentally Fit To Continue Captaining Submarine

The Onion - Fri, 2022-04-15 13:30

WASHINGTON—Defending her performance against recent reports of cognitive decline, senior United States senator Dianne Feinstein argued Friday that she was still perfectly mentally fit to continue captaining the submarine. “If my fish colleagues have any doubts about my ability to damn the torpedoes or up the…

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‘I’ll Tell You When I’ve Had Enough,’ Says Pete Buttigieg, Blowing Off Steam With Another Round Through Car Wash

The Onion - Fri, 2022-04-15 13:30

WASHINGTON—Unwinding after a particularly stressful day as U.S. Transportation Secretary, Pete Buttigieg was reportedly overheard Friday telling a resistant proprietor, “I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough,” while trying to blow off steam with another round through a car wash. “Look, I’ll stop when I’m good and ready,…

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The History Of The NYPD

The Onion - Fri, 2022-04-15 13:30

The New York City Police Department, the largest and most highly funded police force in the United States, has come under scrutiny after failing to apprehend a shooter in a crowded Brooklyn subway station. The Onion looks at the biggest controversies and most high-octane moments in the NYPD’s nearly 200-year history.

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Cleveland Guardians Criticized For Stereotypical Depictions Of Art Deco Community

The Onion - Fri, 2022-04-15 12:45

CLEVELAND—Amid a wider push for sports teams to stop using offensive mascots and imagery for their teams, the Cleveland Guardians have reportedly been at the center of criticism this week for stereotypical depictions of the art deco community. “This is 2022, and if you’re still appropriating art deco culture for your…

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Most Common Cause Of Death In Every State

The Onion - Fri, 2022-04-15 12:00

Fraternity hazing: We swear he was dead when he got here, officer.

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God Who Took Form Of Swan Finding It Much Harder To Seduce Women Than Expected

The Onion - Fri, 2022-04-15 08:32

SAN JOSE, CA—Expressing confusion over his seeming inability to garner much sexual interest, the god Zeus, mightiest of all who dwell on Mount Olympus, confided to reporters Friday that despite having taken the form of a beautiful swan, he was finding it very difficult to seduce women. “I kind of just assumed that…

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Thank God I Live In New Jersey

The Onion - Fri, 2022-04-15 08:00

Last year, I made the bold choice to run for mayor of New York City. While I ultimately won the race by a landslide, many people spread vicious rumors about my family and me, one of which was that I lived part time in New Jersey.

So, let me finally put those rumors to rest once and for all: I definitely do live in New…

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Woman Admits To Faking 2016 Kidnapping

The Onion - Fri, 2022-04-15 08:00

Sherri Papini, a California mother charged with lying about a 2016 abduction that set off a nationwide search, admitted that her story about being kidnapped was fake, saying that she would spend the rest of her life trying to make amends. What do you think?

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What To Say If Your Child Asks If You’re Rich

The Onion - Thu, 2022-04-14 14:45

Talking about money can be difficult for many families, which is why we recommend paying someone to do it for you. Here’s what to say if your child asks if you’re rich.

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Finland, Sweden Evaluating NATO Membership With Free One-Day Guest Pass

The Onion - Thu, 2022-04-14 14:33

BRUSSELS—Testing the waters before committing to a more permanent status within the group, Finland and Sweden confirmed Thursday they were evaluating their possible membership in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization with a complimentary one-day guest pass. “It’s nice to get a taste of what it’s like to have the full…

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Experts Recommend All Children Over 8 Be Screened For Anxiety

The Onion - Thu, 2022-04-14 14:12

A leading panel of experts recommended for the first time that all children ages 8 to 18 should be screened for anxiety, prompted by the worsening state of mental health among children particularly during the pandemic. What do you think?

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Rock Out With Your Caucus Out

The Onion - Thu, 2022-04-14 10:43
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Dad Shredding Old Junk Mail With Intensity Of Watergate 7

The Onion - Thu, 2022-04-14 09:29

PIGEON FORGE, TN—Watching the man feed page after page into the machine, family sources confirmed Thursday that local father Jay Farley was shredding old junk mail with the intensity of the Watergate Seven. As the sweat beaded on his brow and his face took on a determined expression reminiscent of a Nixon White…

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Climate Report Finds Antarctica Could Support Multiple Golf Courses By 2050

The Onion - Thu, 2022-04-14 09:28

GENEVA—In the group’s latest effort to assess the impacts of the planet’s rising temperature, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change issued a report Thursday that concluded Antarctica could support multiple golf courses as soon as 2050. “We have every reason to believe the emergence of vast green expanses and…

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Man Endures Crippling Agony Of Proper Posture

The Onion - Thu, 2022-04-14 08:00

KANSAS CITY, MO—Clenching his teeth and breathing heavily as he begged for mercy, local man Ken Yang told reporters Thursday that he could barely endure the crippling agony of proper posture. “Oh my God, it hurts so much, there’s no way the human body is meant to hold this position for so long,” said Yang, who winced…

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