The Onion

Psychotic Break Really Helping Man Come Out Of Shell

The Onion - Thu, 2022-04-14 08:00

CHICAGO—Lauding the man for at last overcoming his inhibitions and opening up, sources confirmed Thursday that 36-year-old Gregory Ross’s psychotic break was really helping the former introvert come out of his shell. “He used to be a quiet guy, pretty much always kept to himself, but ever since he lost his fucking…

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Missing Charles Darwin Notebooks Returned With Mysterious Note

The Onion - Thu, 2022-04-14 08:00

A set of rare notebooks filled with notes by Charles Darwin have been anonymously returned to the University of Cambridge, over 20 years after they were initially reported missing, with a note reading “Librarian, Happy Easter X”. What do you think?

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Nation Tells Starving Afghanis To Just Shut Up

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-13 15:00

WASHINGTON—Rolling their eyes as requests for food and aid continued to pour in from the famine-ravaged nation, the U.S. populace reportedly told starving Afghani civilians Wednesday to just shut up, because Americans no longer cared about them and enough was enough already. “Ugh, first you’re whining about how you…

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Craziest Moments In ‘Hot Ones’ History

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-13 14:57

YouTube talk show Hot Ones features host Sean Evans interviewing celebrities over a plate of increasingly spicy hot wings, resulting in some wild and heated moments. The Onion looks at the craziest moments across Hot Ones’ seventeen seasons.

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Supreme Court IT Guy Walks Ketanji Brown Jackson Through Logging Into Gavel

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-13 14:55

WASHINGTON—Assisting the recently confirmed nominee in the final steps of her onboarding Wednesday, the Supreme Court IT guy reportedly walked soon-to-be Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson through the process of logging into her new gavel. “We require two-factor authentication to issue a majority, concurring, or dissenting…

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Boris Johnson Fined By U.K. Police For Lockdown Parties

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-13 14:40

London’s Metropolitan Police have issued a fine against Prime Minister Boris Johnson following national outrage over lockdown parties held at government offices during the height of the pandemic when the country was under strict stay-at-home orders. What do you think?

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Jack White Gets Married Onstage After Surprise Proposal

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-13 12:41

Guitarist Jack White surprised fans by proposing to and marrying fellow musician Olivia Jean live onstage during a Detroit homecoming show. What do you think?

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Birthday Post Way Too Sentimental For Friend To Not Be Dead

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-13 12:30

BAKERSFIELD, CA—Expressing confusion at the earnestness of the deeply emotional caption, sources reported Wednesday that an Instagram post commemorating the birthday of a user’s friend was way too sentimental for the friend not to be dead. “This is a long, long paragraph, and there isn’t a hint of sarcasm or even a…

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Zoomers Discuss What They Would Do In A Military Draft

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-13 09:14

While the Russia–Ukraine war continues to rage overseas, many Americans have expressed concern that the U.S. could reinstate a national draft. We asked several members of Gen Z what they would do in the event they were forced to serve, and this is what they said.

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‘That’s Going To Be So Good Later,’ Says Woman Smashing Foil Into Ball Around Wet Tortilla Edge, Single Remaining Bean

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-13 09:06

SAN DIEGO—Stopping herself from finishing the entire burrito in one sitting, local resident Danielle Gerardo was overheard Wednesday saying, “That’s going to be so good later,” as she smashed the foil wrapping into a tight ball around a nibbled, wet tortilla edge and the single remaining bean. “I’ll definitely be…

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Russia Taps New General To Oversee Ukraine Invasion

The Onion - Tue, 2022-04-12 15:53

U.S. officials confirmed that General Aleksandr V. Dvornikov, who has been accused of committing war crimes in Syria, will now lead Russian forces in Ukraine, which up until now had no central war commander. What do you think?

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Confused Russian Soldier Was Told Ukrainians Would Be Happy To Be Summarily Executed In Street

The Onion - Tue, 2022-04-12 15:30

KYIV, UKRAINE—Noting the strange discrepancy between reality and his expectations, local Russian soldier Aleksander Kozlov was reportedly confused Tuesday after being told Ukrainians would be happy to be summarily executed in the street. “I’m just a little taken aback, because we were told that the Ukrainian people…

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‘She’s Going To Regret All Those Once She Gets Older,’ Says Man Watching Tattooed Woman Push Stroller Of Kids

The Onion - Tue, 2022-04-12 11:25

COLUMBUS, OH—Shaking his head and sighing at the heavily tattooed woman across the park, local 51-year-old Michael Wagner reportedly stated “She’s going to regret all those once she gets older” Tuesday while gesturing at her kids. “Even now, most of them are pretty ugly—just think how bad they’re going to look in 20…

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Revlon Releases New Line Of Concealer Pins To Blind Self From Own Hideousness

The Onion - Tue, 2022-04-12 10:47

NEW YORK—Touting the product’s ability to erase pesky skin imperfections, blemishes, and discolorations, cosmetics giant Revlon announced Tuesday that it had released a new line of concealer pins designed to instantly blind users from their own hideous forms. “With this revolutionary new beauty treatment, all…

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Celebrities Explain How Being Canceled Changed Them

The Onion - Tue, 2022-04-12 09:24

Celebrities’ lives may seem perfect, but like anyone else, their actions have consequences. The Onion asked Hollywood’s biggest stars how being canceled changed them, and this is what they said.

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Mobster Excited For Surprise Trip To Secluded Lake With His 3 Best Buds

The Onion - Tue, 2022-04-12 09:16

KANSAS CITY, MO—As he remarked upon how great it felt to forget all his worries and just have some time to relax, a local mobster reported Tuesday that he was excited for his sudden surprise trip to a secluded lake with his three best buds. “How nice is it for these guys to swing by my house at 2 in the morning and…

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