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Scientists Create Mice From Two Dads
According to a study published in Nature, a team of scientists from Osaka University in Japan have created mice with two biologically male parents for the first time, a significant milestone in reproductive biology that produced healthy offspring using eggs generated from the skin cells of male mice implanted into…
Prisoner Given 10 Extra Years For Good Behavior To Serve As Role Model For Fellow Inmates
HUTCHINSON, KS—In what a judge overseeing the case said he hoped would be a precedent, Hutchinson Correctional Facility prisoner Brett Dailey was given an extra 10 years in prison for good behavior Tuesday so he could serve as a role model for his fellow inmates. “Mr. Dailey has been an exemplary inmate from the first…
Conservatives Define What ‘Woke’ Means To Them
While many online firebrands rant and rave against the concept, few take the time to define it. The Onion asked conservatives what “woke” means to them, and this is what they said.
Kyrsten Sinema Descends To Senate Floor On Floating Platform Wearing Dress Shaped Like Gumball Machine
North Korea Tests Underwater Attack Drone Capable Of Generating Radioactive Tsunami
North Korea said it has tested a nuclear-capable underwater attack drone designed to launch a “radioactive tsunami,” with leader Kim Jong-un vowing to make his rivals “plunge into despair.” What do you think?
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
NASHVILLE, TN—In the hours following a violent rampage in Tennessee in which a lone attacker killed at least six individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from…
Teacher Claims She Doesn’t Discriminate Between Black Students, Students She Gives A’s To
LARAMIE, WY—Explaining that she made sure to educate in a fair, unbiased way, local teacher Miranda Osness confirmed Monday that she didn’t discriminate between Black students and the students she gave A’s to. “The African American students are just as capable and perform just as well as the students I decide to…
Fox News Anchors Respond To Claims About Workplace’s Toxic Culture
A former employee claimed that the network discriminated against her because of her gender while she worked at Tucker Carlson Tonight. The Onion asked Fox News anchors to respond to allegations about the workplace’s toxic culture, and this is what they said.
U.S. To Revamp Troubled Organ Transplant System
The federal government outlined a plan to revamp the nation’s organ transplant system, which has over 100,000 patients on the waiting list and has been plagued by problems, including damaged or discarded organs and long wait times. What do you think?
Stressed-Out City Dweller Wishes He Could Move Into Countryside And Just Hammer Nails Into Planks For Living Or Whatever They Do
NEW YORK—Bemoaning the hustle and bustle of his cosmopolitan lifestyle, local city dweller Scott Braintree confirmed Monday that he wished he could move into the countryside and just hammer nails into planks for a living or whatever they do. “Man, no more traffic jams or grinding it out at work—just leave the big city…
MTA Announces New Minimum Income Requirements To Ride Subway
NEW YORK—Promising to restore “law and order” to New York City Transit, the Metropolitan Transportation Authority announced Monday that it would implement new minimum income requirements to ride the subway. “Going forward, all MTA customers must earn a minimum of $70,000 a year to ride the subway, and not a penny…
Man Intending To Just Take Quick Half-Hour Nap Accidentally Dies In His Sleep
MINNEAPOLIS—Feeling annoyed after completely overshooting his time limit for some brief shut-eye, local man Devon Roberts, who reportedly intended to take a quick, half-hour nap Monday, accidentally died in his sleep. “Damn it, when I started my nap it was still light out, and now all I see is infinite blackness,”…
Antisemitic Attacks Hit Record High
According to a report released by the Anti-Defamation League, incidents of antisemitism in the United States jumped to its highest level since the organization began tracking it in 1979, up 36% from the year before. What do you think?
Report: French Protests Can Only Mean Something Crazy Happened With Way M&M’s Marketed Over There
EQUINUNK, PA—Watching as more than 1 million people took to the streets in violent demonstrations across France, U.S. residents reported Friday that the intensity of the French protests must mean something crazy happened with the way M&M’s are marketed over there. “Seeing how passionate these protesters are leads me…
NPR Launches New Podcast Exploring Lives Of Employees They Just Laid Off
NEW YORK—In the wake of a cost-cutting decision to terminate roughly 10% of its workforce, National Public Radio announced Friday that it had launched a new podcast exploring the lives of employees they just laid off. “Although the decision to eliminate roughly 100 employees was not taken lightly, we are so excited…
Nation Asks For Just 5 More Minutes On TikTok Before Congress Bans It
NEW YORK—Pleading for a little extra time to scroll their “For You” page, the nation asked Friday if it could have just five more minutes on TikTok before Congress banned it. “We just want to finish this four-part video of this woman discussing her terrible date before you take our app away—pretty please?” said…