The Onion

What To Know About The Flooding In Michigan

The Onion - Fri, 2020-05-22 10:04

Heavy rainfalls led to the failure of two dams around Midland, Michigan, leading to mass evacuations and complicating the state’s handling of the coronavirus pandemic. The Onion answers the most important questions about the flooding in Michigan.

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Judge Rules Salvage Company Can Cut Into Titanic Wreck

The Onion - Fri, 2020-05-22 10:01

An underwater salvage firm has been granted permission to cut into the Titanic to remove the ship’s telegraph machine, though several groups including the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration argue the wreckage is a grave site and should not be disturbed. What do you think?

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Quarantine Leading To More People Taking In Foster Gimps

The Onion - Fri, 2020-05-22 09:51

In these trying times where social isolation is the norm, companionship has become a top priority for many Americans. Which is why it’s no surprise more rescue subs than ever before are now finding their forever dungeon.

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10 Things That Will Make You SUPER Nostalgic For The ’90s

The Onion - Fri, 2020-05-22 09:00

Rwandan genocide: OMG, this takes us WAY back. Way back to the ’90s, that is!

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Raspberry Self-Conscious About Amount Of Body Hair

The Onion - Thu, 2020-05-21 16:51

ABERDEEN, MS—Expressing feelings of insecurity over her appearance, an organic raspberry revealed Thursday that she was incredibly self-conscious about her amount of body hair. “I know it says more about society than it does about me, but I still feel pretty bad about all this fuzz,” said the raspberry, admitting that…

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Frustrated CEO Admits Pfizer Discovered Coronavirus Vaccine Months Ago But Still Can’t Agree On Ad Campaign

The Onion - Thu, 2020-05-21 16:18

NEW YORK—Declaring that he was worried about their progress and afraid that time was running out, frustrated Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla reportedly admitted Thursday that the company discovered a coronavirus vaccine months ago but still can’t agree on an ad campaign. “The vaccine was pretty simple, actually, and it’s all…

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Coronavirus Forces Ford Plants To Temporarily Close Days After Reopening

The Onion - Thu, 2020-05-21 15:47

Two Ford plants were briefly closed Wednesday after employees tested positive for Covid-19 just two days after production resumed following a two-month shutdown due to the pandemic, highlighting how the virus could impede a return to normal operations. What do you think?

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Tips For Avoiding Vision Loss

The Onion - Thu, 2020-05-21 14:30
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Marriott CEO Tells Investors He’s Had A Good First Quarter In Terms Of His Personal Life

The Onion - Thu, 2020-05-21 13:48

BETHESDA, MA—Addressing investors in a tense early morning teleconference call, Marriott International CEO Arne Sorenson reportedly told investors Thursday that he’s had a pretty good first quarter just in terms of his personal life. “Yeah, skipping past some of the financials for a second, I think it’s worthwhile to…

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NFL Reminds Black Coaches They’ll Get Their Chance Once League Runs Out Of Grudens And Shanahans

The Onion - Thu, 2020-05-21 13:44

NEW YORK—Promising the frustrated applicants that a job for them should open up any year now, the NFL reminded black coaches Thursday that they will get their chance as soon as the league runs out of Grudens and Shanahans. “We take diversity seriously, and we want black coaches to know they will get a fair shot once…

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FiveThirtyEight Releases New Analytics Model Predicting Who Coronavirus Will Vote For

The Onion - Thu, 2020-05-21 12:17

NEW YORK—In an attempt to keep its readers apprised of the infectious disease’s likely voting preferences, the data journalism website FiveThirtyEight unveiled a new analytics model Thursday that will attempt to predict who the coronavirus will support for president in November. “The question of which candidate this…

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Justin Bieber, Ariana Grande Deny Claim They Bought No. 1 Billboard Spot

The Onion - Thu, 2020-05-21 11:03

Rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine accused Justin Bieber and Ariana Grande of using fraudulent means to bump their duet “Stuck With U” to number one on the Billboard Hot 100 ahead of his song “Gooba,” a claim both the artists and magazine deny. What do you think?

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10 Wyobraźni Co My Gwarantujemy Przyniesie Uśmiech na Twej Twarzy

The Onion - Thu, 2020-05-21 11:01

Kogo obchodzi ile masz lat? Ten facet wie że jesteś taki młody jak się czujesz.

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Warm Weather Compels Concept Of ‘Bikini Bod’ To Slither Forward From Poisoned Subconscious

The Onion - Thu, 2020-05-21 10:39

CHICAGO—The onset of warm weather reportedly compelled the buried concept of “bikini bod” to slither Thursday from the poisoned subconscious of local woman Maura Kingston, wriggling through dense toxic thoughts toward the light. Several reports indicated that “visible abs, glistening skin, and thigh gaps,” crawled out…

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Penneys From Heaven

The Onion - Thu, 2020-05-21 09:04
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Benadryl Introduces New Controlled Coma Pills To Sedate Users For Entirety Of Allergy Season

The Onion - Thu, 2020-05-21 09:01

Following today’s FDA approval for over-the-counter use, Benadryl’s new Sedate Plus could soon be alleviating your symptoms by forcing you into a deep state of unconsciousness for six months of allergy season.

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All 50 States Unveil Plans To Ease Coronavirus Restrictions By Memorial Day

The Onion - Wed, 2020-05-20 15:15

As Memorial Day approaches, every state in the Union has introduced steps to lift some of the safety orders put in place to reduce the spread of Covid-19, though health officials warn increased activity could spur a spike in new cases. What do you think?

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Trump Orders CDC To Research His Investment Portfolio For Potential Coronavirus Cures

The Onion - Wed, 2020-05-20 15:13

WASHINGTON—On the heels of touting the anti-malaria drug hydroxychloroquine for treating Covid-19, President Donald Trump issued orders to the CDC Wednesday, urging the agency to conduct extensive research into his investment portfolio to find more potential cures for the novel coronavirus. “Look, there’s all sorts of…

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