The Onion

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Denies Doctoring Footage Showing Jim Acosta In Clown Makeup Blowing Up Gotham Hospital

The Onion - Thu, 2018-11-08 14:15

WASHINGTON—Responding to criticism that she had engaged in misleading behavior, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders issued a flat denial Thursday that she had shared doctored footage portraying CNN reporter Jim Acosta in clown makeup blowing up Gotham Hospital. “President Trump expects and even demands…

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Benefits Of Keeping A Journal

The Onion - Thu, 2018-11-08 14:11
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Dunkin’ Donuts Unveils New Seasonal Rotting Jack-O’-Lantern Latte For End Of Fall

The Onion - Thu, 2018-11-08 13:59

CANTON, MA—Touting the beverage as the perfect drink for those frigid, gray November mornings, Dunkin’ Donuts unveiled a new seasonal Rotting Jack-O’-Lantern Latte Thursday to celebrate the end of fall. “Containing our signature coffee mixed with an artisan blend of freshly ground dead leaves and decomposing pumpkin…

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Sick Parent Offers Man Perfect Excuse To Move Back Home And Give Up Dreams

The Onion - Thu, 2018-11-08 13:02

LOS ANGELES—In a move relieving his firstborn of the mounting stress associated with the pursuit of his life’s ambition, ailing father Gideon Albright selflessly offered his son, aspiring writer Julian, 27, the perfect excuse to move back home and give up on his dreams. “My father’s diagnosis was tangible proof that…

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Idris Elba Named Sexiest Man Alive

The Onion - Thu, 2018-11-08 12:16

People magazine named British actor Idris Elba the sexiest man alive, only the third time a person of color has won in the award’s 32-year history. What do you think?

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Royal Baby Watch! Harry And Meghan Just Carved A Hole In The Side Of The PODS Container Where They Live Through Which Meghan Will Give Birth

The Onion - Thu, 2018-11-08 12:05

Less than a month has passed since Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced that they are expecting their first baby, but that hasn’t stopped the soon-to-be parents from making arrangements for the day their newborn arrives. As expected, the latest royal couple is about to enter the next phase of their lives together…

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‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

The Onion - Thu, 2018-11-08 11:44

THOUSAND OAKS, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in California in which a lone attacker killed 12 individuals, including a police officer, and seriously injured at least 12 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Thursday that there…

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Beto Voter Struggling To Refocus Her Sexual Fantasies On Ted Cruz

The Onion - Wed, 2018-11-07 19:02

AUSTIN, TX—Admitting that her attempts to fantasize about the victorious Senate candidate “just haven’t been the same,” noticeably flustered Beto O’Rourke voter Carissa Halpern told reporters Wednesday she was having difficulty refocusing her sexual yearnings onto Ted Cruz. “I was really hoping Beto would be my…

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Pistachio-Eating Man Achieves ‘Flow’ State

The Onion - Wed, 2018-11-07 16:21

CHULA VISTA, CA—Awed and profoundly moved after witnessing such Zen-like serenity and focus, sources close to pistachio-eater Lawrence Carmichael confirmed Wednesday that he had achieved a complete “flow” state while snacking on the shelled seeds. “I believe his consciousness tuned out all extraneous stimuli or…

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Democrats Win House

The Onion - Wed, 2018-11-07 15:49

Democrats took back the House of Representatives in the 2018 midterm elections, providing a check on Republican policymaking and a rebuke to President Trump for the next two years. What do you think?

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Nonprofit Places Burnouts In Jobs You Can Do Blitzed Out Of Your Mind

The Onion - Wed, 2018-11-07 15:26

SANTA FE, NM—In an effort to provide habitually drug-addled community members with more and better legal opportunities for financial self-support, career placement nonprofit Pass It On has announced a new employment program that aims to place burnouts in jobs they can do while totally blitzed out of their minds.…

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Key Takeaways From The 2018 Midterms

The Onion - Wed, 2018-11-07 14:38

The 2018 midterm elections resulted in the Republicans holding onto the Senate, the Democrats taking the House, a number of governor’s houses switching parties, and the passage of many progressive state ballot measures. The Onion takes a look at the key takeaways from the 2018 midterms.

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Upcoming ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ Expansion Allows Players To Experience Story From Horse’s Perspective

The Onion - Wed, 2018-11-07 14:13

NEW YORK—Promising gamers the most authentic equine experience in gaming history, Rockstar Games announced Wednesday that the first downloadable content update to their record-setting open-world Western game Red Dead Redemption 2 will have players reliving the game’s story from the perspective of their favorite horse.…

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Report: More Prisons Now Encouraging Inmates To Explore Their Creativity By Designing Own Method Of Execution

The Onion - Wed, 2018-11-07 14:12

SAN QUENTIN, CA—In a new study examining trends in long-term American incarceration, Cornell University researchers found a marked increase Wednesday in the number of prisons encouraging creativity in death row inmates by allowing them to design the method of their execution. “Our investigation revealed that an…

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Trump Unveils Reelection Campaign Plan To Drive Bus Into Crowds Across Country

The Onion - Wed, 2018-11-07 13:03

WASHINGTON—In an effort to appeal to his base and build enthusiasm for his reelection bid, President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that his 2020 campaign included plans to drive a specially decorated tour bus into crowds across the country. “I’ll have these amazing crowds, the biggest, most beautiful crowds you’ve…

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Report Finds J. Geils Band’s ‘Centerfold’ Will Outlast You And All That You Create In This Life

The Onion - Wed, 2018-11-07 12:33

NEW YORK—Noting that the pop hit was certain to have far greater longevity than the entirety of your earthly works, a new report released Wednesday found that the song “Centerfold,” by The J. Geils Band will outlast you and all you create in this life. “After extensive research, we have conclusively shown that the…

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Bored J.B. Pritzker Brainstorming New Hobbies To Blow Money On After Winning Election

The Onion - Wed, 2018-11-07 12:16

CHICAGO—Growing restless and wandering away from the party celebrating his victory Tuesday night, a bored J.B. Pritzker was reportedly brainstorming new hobbies to blow his money on after winning the Illinois gubernatorial election. “Shelling out $171 million of my own money to get elected governor was fun and all,…

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