The Onion

Couple Nervous To Admit They Met Online In Comments Section Of ‘How To Iron Shirt’ Video

The Onion - Wed, 2018-09-12 10:15

CLEVELAND, OH—Fearing their friends and family members might not understand or accept the unconventional origin of their relationship, Margot Bradley and Josh Ezdon confessed their apprehension over divulging that they had met online in the comments section of a YouTube video titled “Ironing Your Shirts - STEP BY…

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Study: Nuclear Power Necessary To Cut Climate Emissions

The Onion - Wed, 2018-09-12 10:11

An MIT study found that a vast increase in nuclear power generating capacities will be needed to make the steep carbon emissions cuts necessary to stave off global warming. What do you think?

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FEMA Frantically Prepares Apology For Screwing Up Hurricane Florence Response

The Onion - Tue, 2018-09-11 17:39

WASHINGTON—Working around the clock to prepare for the Category 4 storm heading toward the Carolina coast, officials at the Federal Emergency Management Agency confirmed Tuesday they were frantically writing the apologies they will issue for screwing up their response to Hurricane Florence. “This is going to be big,…

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Russell Wilson Asks Seahawks To Modify Play Where He’s Immediately Tackled By Six Players

The Onion - Tue, 2018-09-11 15:18

SEATTLE—Expressing some reservations about allowing the defense instant, unfettered access to the backfield, Russell Wilson asked the Seahawks Tuesday to modify a read-pass-option play where he’s immediately tackled by six players after receiving the snap. “I’m happy to run whatever the coaching staff draws up, but I…

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Bad Game Design: This Incredibly Lifelike Simulation Of New York City Is Ruined By The Unrealistic Presence Of A Spider-Themed Crimefighter

The Onion - Tue, 2018-09-11 14:45

One of the most anticipated games of the year just arrived on the PS4, an open-world exploration game that allows you to sightsee around New York City. The game’s vast detailed re-creation of the Big Apple is incredible, but sadly ruined by the game’s completely unrealistic addition of a spider-themed crimefighter.

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Matthew Berry Admits He Just Drafts Fantasy Players Whose Names He Recognizes

The Onion - Tue, 2018-09-11 14:32

BRISTOL, CT—Offering a rare behind-the-scenes glimpse into his decision-making process, ESPN fantasy football expert Matthew Berry admitted Tuesday that he just drafts fantasy players whose names he recognizes. “When putting together my perfect fantasy lineup, it can be hard to keep track of so many players I don’t…

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Survey Finds Majority Of Autonomous Car Crashes In California Caused By Human Error

The Onion - Tue, 2018-09-11 14:19

A recent survey of crashes by autonomous cars in California found that the vast majority were caused by human—rather than machine—error, suggesting a failure on the part of these cars to accommodate the failings of actual drivers. What do you think?

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Trump Unfairly Claims Credit For Rise In Economic Inequality That Occurred Under Obama’s Watch

The Onion - Tue, 2018-09-11 13:45

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the president was minimizing the contributions of his predecessor while making hyperbolic claims about his administration’s own input, experts reportedly criticized President Trump Tuesday for unfairly claiming credit for the rise in economic inequality that occurred under President Obama’s…

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Middle School Janitor Can Already Tell He Going To Have To Befriend New Kid

The Onion - Tue, 2018-09-11 12:44

PORTLAND, OR—Reluctantly acknowledging that he would soon need to go out of his way to strike up conversations with the seventh-grader, Stoller Middle School janitor Charles DeWalt had already deduced Tuesday that he was going to have to befriend transfer student Jackson Clancy. “This is the third day in a row he’s…

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Trump Boys Leave $5 Bill, Candy Bar Under Propped-Up Laundry Basket In Effort To Catch Op-Ed Writer

The Onion - Tue, 2018-09-11 11:41

WASHINGTON—Promising that the author would spend “100 kajillion years in jail,” Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. told reporters Tuesday that they had left a $5 bill and a Snickers bar under a propped-up laundry basket in order to trap the anonymous writer of the New York Times op-ed piece. “Everyone is super mad about…

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Comments Mysteriously Disabled On YouTube Video Of Sparrow In Yard

The Onion - Tue, 2018-09-11 11:27

GREENVILLE, NC—Struggling to understand what about the video with 104 views necessitated the drastic measure, sources confirmed Tuesday that the ability to leave comments had been mysteriously disabled on a 32-second YouTube clip called “Watch Sparrow in my backyard.” “Jesus Christ, why did RokrDad67 think people…

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Report: That’s Expensive, Please Put That Down

The Onion - Tue, 2018-09-11 10:47

NEW YORK—A team of suspicious experts watching you thoughtlessly handling something they intuitively know you are not interested in buying released a report Tuesday confirming that’s expensive, please put it down. The report stressed that what you are so carelessly tossing back and forth from hand to hand is not for…

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U.S. Jobless Claims Fall To 49-Year Low

The Onion - Tue, 2018-09-11 10:36

The number of Americans filing for unemployment aid fell to near a 49-year low last week, setting the stage for the Fed to raise interest rates later this month. What do you think?

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Back For Seconds: Barack Obama Has Once Again Invited Ahmed To His House To Get Another Look At That Sweet Goddamn Clock He Built

The Onion - Tue, 2018-09-11 10:20

It’s been nearly three years since 14-year-old Ahmed Mohamed was invited to the White House to meet with President Barack Obama after being arrested for bringing a homemade clock to school. But it looks like the former president didn’t quite get his fill of that hot clock action because he just invited Ahmed to his…

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CBS To Retain Les Moonves’ Services In Smaller Sexual-Predator-At-Large Role

The Onion - Mon, 2018-09-10 18:12

NEW YORK—In an effort to mentor their next generation of corporate talent, CBS representatives announced Monday that the company would be retaining the services of former CEO Les Moonves in a smaller sexual-predator-at-large role. “We want to provide Les with a certain amount of freedom so he can just harass on his…

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