The Onion

Elon Musk Insists He’d Be Much More Innovative Pedophile Than Thailand Rescue Worker

The Onion - Mon, 2018-07-16 13:07

PALO ALTO, CA—Doubling down on a recent controversial statement he made about a British cave diver who helped free a youth soccer team from a cave in Thailand, Tesla CEO Elon Musk reportedly insisted Monday that he would be a much more innovative pedophile than rescue worker Vernon Unsworth. “Look, the only insulting…

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Report: Therapist Just Saying That To Make You Feel Better

The Onion - Mon, 2018-07-16 13:04

HOBOKEN, NJ—Shining new light on the words that offered you comfort just moments ago, a report released Monday found that your therapist was actually only saying that to make you feel better. According to sources, the debilitating self-hatred you feel is based in real problems you should address immediately, and it’s…

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Take That, Drumpf! British Protesters Flew A Trump Baby Balloon To Symbolize That He Is Full Of Innocent Love And Infinite Curiosity

The Onion - Mon, 2018-07-16 13:02

During Trump’s trip to England, protesters totally owned him in the most awesome way possible. A giant balloon of Trump as a baby flew over the streets of London to demonstrate that he is full of innocent love and infinite curiosity.

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Total Idiot Resorting To Tribalism Decades Before Climate Catastrophe Makes It Necessary

The Onion - Mon, 2018-07-16 12:50

SPRINGFIELD, IL—Spurning the more moderate opinions of those he now regards as outsiders, total idiot Rick Thomas resorted Monday to tribalism decades before the inevitable climate catastrophe makes it necessary, confirmed sources close to the dipshit. “There’s a war going on out there, and a man has got to choose his…

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Hundreds Of Rowdy Starship Crews Disembark In NYC During Intergalactic Fleet Week

The Onion - Mon, 2018-07-16 11:39

NEW YORK—Materializing, deorbiting, and making Earthfall by the thousands, rowdy and unruly starship crews from all corners of the transhuman sphere began arriving in New York City to participate in Intergalactic Fleet Week 2018, terrestrial sources confirmed Monday. “We’ve had to upgrade our security big-time,” said…

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End Of An Era: Kellogg’s Is Shutting Down Eggo After Its CEO Had A Freaky Dream About Waffles

The Onion - Mon, 2018-07-16 10:10

If you’re a fan of Eggo waffles, you better stock up now while you still can: After 50 years of dominating the frozen waffle market, Kellogg’s announced today that it’s shutting down Eggo because its CEO had a freaky dream about waffles.

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Man Keeps Having Same Experience Where He Shows Up To Work Naked

The Onion - Fri, 2018-07-13 14:55

NEW YORK—Describing the occurrences as super realistic and disturbing, local man Brett DeMonte told reporters Friday that he keeps having the same experience where he shows up to work naked. “It’s the same situation every time: I get to the office, and when I look down, I realize that I’m standing completely…

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Report: Modern-Day Pablo Escobar Smuggles One-Hitter Into Music Festival

The Onion - Fri, 2018-07-13 13:33

CADOTT, WI—Passing utterly undetected through a complex cordon of bag checks, signage specifically prohibiting drug use, and three-second upper-body pat-downs by bored part-time security personnel, modern-day Pablo Escobar and mid-level systems analyst Patrick Quaid successfully smuggled a one-hitter containing 0.2…

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Kavanaugh Nomination Falters After Washington Post Publishes Shocking Editorial Claiming He Forgot Daughter’s Piano Recital

The Onion - Fri, 2018-07-13 13:26

WASHINGTON—In a move that experts believe could upend the confirmation of President Trump’s second Supreme Court justice, the nomination of Brett Kavanaugh had reportedly begun to falter Friday after The Washington Post published a shocking editorial claiming he neglected to attend his eldest daughter’s piano recital…

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Buckingham Palace Guards Impressed By First Lady’s Ability To Never Crack Smile

The Onion - Thu, 2018-07-12 18:13

LONDON—Saying the first lady’s skills were of the highest caliber he’d ever witnessed, Buckingham Palace guard Robert Addington told reporters Thursday that he was impressed by Melania Trump’s ability to never crack a smile on her visit to London. “There were all sorts of people waving in her face and yelling things…

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Peter Strzok Summoned Before Congress Again For Texts Calling Trey Gowdy ‘A Pissy Little Shithead’

The Onion - Thu, 2018-07-12 15:17

WASHINGTON—Following immediately on the heels of his hearing before the House Judiciary and Oversight committees, FBI agent Peter Strzok was again summoned to testify before Congress Thursday about texts calling Trey Gowdy a “pissy little shithead.” “Now what exactly did you mean when you said Trey Gowdy was a…

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Papa John’s Removes N-Word From Menus

The Onion - Thu, 2018-07-12 15:01

JEFFERSONTOWN, KY—Apologizing for its use of the racial epithet, president and CEO of Papa John’s Pizza Steve Ritchie announced Thursday that the company would be removing the N-word from all restaurant menus. “No matter the context, there is no place for that offensive word in our ‘Create Your Own Pizza’ section or…

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Stressed-Out Paul Ryan Uses Cheat Day To Indulge In One Bipartisan Vote

The Onion - Thu, 2018-07-12 12:37

WASHINGTON—Indulging his secret weakness for rule-breaking after months of toeing the unbreakable line of Republican politics as usual, Speaker of the House of Representatives Paul Ryan used his monthly cheat day to indulge in one single bipartisan vote. “God, it feels so naughty—it really is naughty—but after weeks…

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