The Onion

Study: More Parents Opting For One Big Baby Over Multi-Child Household

The Onion - Thu, 2022-01-13 10:42

HYATTSVILLE, MD—In what has emerged as an increasingly popular parenting option, a new study released Wednesday by the National Center for Health Statistics has found that more parents are declining to have multiple children in favor of having just one big baby and stopping there. “Many of the parents surveyed…

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L.A. Police Officers Fired For Playing Pokémon GO During Active Robbery

The Onion - Thu, 2022-01-13 09:00

An appeals court has upheld the firing of two Los Angeles police officers who ignored a call requesting backup to the scene of a nearby robbery so that they could pursue a Pokémon GO virtual game character. What do you think?

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Poet Maya Angelou Becomes First Black Woman To Be Featured On U.S. Quarter

The Onion - Wed, 2022-01-12 15:27

The U.S. Mint has begun shipping out the first quarters featuring prominent women in American history, beginning with poet, writer, and activist Maya Angelou, the first Black woman to appear on the coin. What do you think?

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Things Never To Say To Someone With A Breakthrough Case Of Covid

The Onion - Wed, 2022-01-12 12:30

In the era of the novel coronavirus, it can be difficult to know how to discuss infections with family, friends, and coworkers, and that’s become even more true with the recent rise of breakthrough cases. Here are some serious faux pas to avoid when talking to someone with a breakthrough case of Covid-19.

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Shitty Music Has Helped Moron Through Hardest Times In His Pointless Life

The Onion - Wed, 2022-01-12 11:56

CLEVELAND—Praising the incredible healing power of terrible art, local moron Todd Beram credited shitty music with helping him through some of the hardest times in his pointless life, sources confirmed Wednesday. “During some of my lowest moments, when I feel like I just want to disappear or that I can’t possibly go…

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Wishing A Happy 20-Year Anniversary To Guantánamo Bay Detention Camp

The Onion - Wed, 2022-01-12 11:54

The Guantánamo Bay detention camp in Cuba welcomed its first detainees 20 years ago, inaugurating one of the most controversial elements of the U.S. war on terror. The Onion celebrates the first 20 years of the Gitmo.

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Breakthrough Procedure Allows Surgeons To Transplant Pig Rib Directly Into Human Mouth

The Onion - Wed, 2022-01-12 11:46

BALTIMORE—Hailing the new treatment as a breakthrough in medical techniques, surgeons at the University of Baltimore announced Wednesday that they had successfully developed a new procedure to transplant a pig rib into a human mouth. “The way the procedure works is we remove the rib from a pig, brush it with a…

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Sobering Effects

The Onion - Wed, 2022-01-12 11:44
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Dolphins Have Fully Functioning Clitoris, Study Finds

The Onion - Wed, 2022-01-12 09:00

New research has found that female dolphins, who copulate throughout the year as a way to forge and maintain social bonds, have a fully functional clitoris with sensory nerves and erectile bodies that help them experience pleasure during sex, just as it does for humans. What do you think?

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Dying Dad Wondering If You Hit Traffic On Way To Hospital

The Onion - Wed, 2022-01-12 09:00

BETHLEHEM, PA—Pausing between each labored word as his family gathered around him, local dying dad Phil Piermont was reportedly wondering Wednesday if you hit traffic on your way to the hospital. “Did you take 22? It’s a little congested by the exit, right?” said your father, taking a deep breath to push through…

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Bank Hostages Whining As If They Not Getting Whole Day Off Work

The Onion - Wed, 2022-01-12 09:00

NEW YORK—Refusing to maintain a good attitude and make the most of the situation, hostages at a midtown branch of People’s United Bank reportedly spent Wednesday whining as if they weren’t getting the whole day off work. “Jeez, I understand that getting tied up and thrown in the vault might be a little annoying,…

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Robert Durst, Real Estate Heir Convicted Of Murder, Dies

The Onion - Tue, 2022-01-11 18:20

Robert Durst, the New York millionaire convicted of murdering his best friend 20 years ago and who has been linked to his wife’s unsolved disappearance in 1982, has died three months after being sentenced to life in prison. What do you think?

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Fact Sheet: Curing Your Covid-19 With Urine

The Onion - Tue, 2022-01-11 16:39

Christopher Key, the leader of the “Vaccine Police” organization that opposes Covid-19 vaccinations, recently shared that drinking urine could cure coronavirus. As the world’s leading nonpartisan news source, The Onion strives to give our readers the facts and let them decide what is true. Here’s a fact sheet…

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Gates Foundation Sues Thousands Of Charities For Infringing On Trademark Concept Of Philanthropy

The Onion - Tue, 2022-01-11 14:57

SEATTLE—Seeking damages from its competitors totaling tens of billions of dollars, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation reportedly filed a lawsuit Tuesday against thousands of charities for infringing on its trademark concept of philanthropy. “It has unfortunately come to our attention that there are charitable…

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Worst Things To Tell Someone Who’s Retiring

The Onion - Tue, 2022-01-11 12:20

Retirement can be an exciting moment for coworkers, friends, or family, but it’s also a time filled with anxieties about what the future holds. Here are some common pitfalls to avoid when talking to an acquaintance about their upcoming retirement.

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Cemetery Staff Assures Family Grandpa Buried Around Here Somewhere

The Onion - Tue, 2022-01-11 11:12

EUGENE, OR—Promising to locate the loved one’s final resting place right away, the staff at Sacred Heart Cemetery assured a local family that their grandfather was buried around here somewhere, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure he’s gotta be in one of these sections over here,” said Lewis…

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