The Onion

Jan. 6 Committee: Evidence Trump Engaged In ‘Criminal Conspiracy’

The Onion - Fri, 2022-03-04 16:39

The House select committee investigating the Jan. 6 Capitol riot has alleged in a court filing that former President Trump and a right-wing lawyer were part of a “criminal conspiracy” to overturn the 2020 presidential election. What do you think?

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Most Controversial Episodes Of HBO’s ‘Euphoria’

The Onion - Fri, 2022-03-04 16:00

This shot-for-shot plagiarization of the season 5 episode of Degrassi: The Next Generation showed that the Euphoria writers aren’t afraid to go there.

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Colin Farrell Reveals Penguin Transformation Was Achieved By Removing Prosthetics

The Onion - Fri, 2022-03-04 15:30

LOS ANGELES—Detailing the time-consuming process of becoming camera-ready for his role in The Batman, Colin Farrell revealed Friday that his transformation into “the Penguin” was achieved by sitting still each day for hours at a time as the makeup artist removed his various prosthetics. “It took about four hours each…

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Historians Trace Catholic Practice Of Eating Fish On Fridays Back To Third-Century Long John Silver’s Promotion

The Onion - Fri, 2022-03-04 14:20

SOUTH BEND, IN—According to a new paper published by historians from the University of Notre Dame, the Catholic tradition of eating fish on Fridays can be traced back to a third-century Long John Silver’s promotion. “Pope Sixtus II was a huge fan of the chain, and urged all of his flock to join him after Mass,” said…

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What To Know About Ketanji Brown Jackson

The Onion - Fri, 2022-03-04 14:01

Confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson will begin March 21. The Onion answers the most pressing questions about President Biden’s first Supreme Court nominee.

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Fluorescent Light Therapy Box Helps Remote Workers Experience Draining Effects Of Office

The Onion - Fri, 2022-03-04 13:00

INDIANAPOLIS— Touting the product’s ability to replicate the debilitating repercussions of toiling in person, a new fluorescent light therapy box reportedly helps remote workers experience the draining effects of the office, sources confirmed Friday. “Before I felt so energetic and focused, but this thing quickly puts…

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Homeless Matt Damon Forced To Sell Kidney After Losing Everything In Crypto Pump And Dump Scheme

The Onion - Fri, 2022-03-04 12:00

LOS ANGELES—In a desperate attempt to make some quick cash, a homeless Matt Damon was forced to sell his kidney Friday after losing everything in a crypto pump and dump scheme. “I know I shouldn’t have put all my money in that hyped up crypto token, but it seemed like a sure thing at the time!” said Damon, who was…

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Montana Governor Kills Mountain Lion Being Monitored By National Parks Staff

The Onion - Fri, 2022-03-04 09:00

The governor of Montana, Greg Gianforte, shot and killed a mountain lion that was being monitored by Yellowstone National Park staff, his second such hunt of a monitored animal that ventured outside the protected areas of the park. What do you think?

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Trucker Convoy Protest In D.C. Seen As Flop After No One Shows Up

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-03 15:48

A trucker rally, modeled after recent demonstrations in Canada to protest Covid mandates, took place in Washington, D.C. during the president’s State of the Union address Tuesday but failed to bring the thousands of attendees the organizers expected, with only a handful of people present. What do you think?

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TV Shows Based On Real Events That Were Made Way Too Soon

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-03 15:35

Historical events might make incredible television, but it often makes sense to wait until enough time has passed to reflect on events. Here are several TV shows based on real stories that were made way, way too soon.

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U.S. Seizes New York City Borough Belonging To Russian Oligarch

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-03 14:45

NEW YORK—Saying the billionaire had used the asset as his own private pleasure island for decades, the U.S. Justice Department announced Thursday that it had seized a New York City borough belonging to Russian oligarch Alisher Usmanov. “When Usmanov bought this borough in the late ’90s, it was a flagrant display of…

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Must-Read Reflections On The Situation In Ukraine

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-03 13:20

Russia’s recent invasion of Ukraine has prompted a flurry of reflections, demands, and predictions across the media landscape, each more correct than the last. The Onion sifts through the many reflections published by lesser news organizations to find the smartest and most worthwhile takes on the situation in Ukraine.

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Woman Promises Free Beer, Pizza For Any Friends Who Help Her Move Body Out Of Apartment

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-03 12:10

WHITEFISH, MT—Saying she would be incredibly grateful for volunteers, local woman Blaire Nichols reportedly promised free beer and pizza Thursday for any friends who helped her move a body out of her apartment. “You’d definitely be doing me a solid because it’s pretty heavy and a little awkward to carry,” said…

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Drano Introduces New Shampoo For Eliminating Drain-Clogging Hair At Source

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-03 09:00

RACINE, WI—Touting the gel as the proactive solution to common plumbing blockages, Drano introduced a new shampoo Thursday for eliminating drain-clogging hair at its source. “Whether your hair is dry and frizzy or oily and sleek, we guarantee our shampoo will leave your bathroom drains looking strong, fresh, and…

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Ukrainian Sailor Attempts To Sink Russian Oligarch’s Superyacht

The Onion - Thu, 2022-03-03 09:00

A Ukrainian sailor has been arrested in Mallorca after attempting to sink a $6.6 million yacht owned by his employer, a Russian CEO of an arms exporter, as revenge after seeing footage of a Russian rocket attack on a block of apartments in his hometown of Kyiv. What do you think?

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