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The Onion
Jimmy, Rosalynn Carter Announce Divorce
PLAINS, GA—Calling the split entirely amicable and long overdue, Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter confirmed their divorce to the press in statement released Tuesday. “Frankly, we both couldn’t be more excited to put our respective pasts behind us and embark on the next chapter of our lives,” read a joint statement released…
Man Earnestly Looking For Career On Website Called Something Like ‘Job-A-Dabba-Doo.Com’
CHICAGO—In an ongoing effort to secure an actual job that would allow him to earn an actual living, reports confirmed Tuesday that local man Tim Upshaw, 36, was earnestly looking for career opportunities on a website called something like Job-a-Dabba-Doo.com. According to sources, the site—which has a humiliating name…
Biden Tells White House Chef It His Birthday In Attempt To Scam Free Dessert
WASHINGTON—Smiling coyly as entrées were set on the table for the first family Monday night, President Biden is said to have casually mentioned to White House executive chef Cristeta Comerford that it was his birthday in an attempt to scam a free dessert. “You’ve really out done yourself, Cris—I don’t think I could…
Realtor Trying To Pass Off Apartment’s Window Box Planter As Something Called ‘Romanian Balcony’
CHICAGO—Extolling the virtues of the cracked polyethylene container, local real estate agent Thomas Bartlett was reportedly trying to pass off an apartment’s window box planter Thursday as something called a “Romanian balcony.” “Now this feature is a real treat—simply open up the window, and voilà, you have your own…
Scientists Create Mice From Two Dads
According to a study published in Nature, a team of scientists from Osaka University in Japan have created mice with two biologically male parents for the first time, a significant milestone in reproductive biology that produced healthy offspring using eggs generated from the skin cells of male mice implanted into…
Prisoner Given 10 Extra Years For Good Behavior To Serve As Role Model For Fellow Inmates
HUTCHINSON, KS—In what a judge overseeing the case said he hoped would be a precedent, Hutchinson Correctional Facility prisoner Brett Dailey was given an extra 10 years in prison for good behavior Tuesday so he could serve as a role model for his fellow inmates. “Mr. Dailey has been an exemplary inmate from the first…
Conservatives Define What ‘Woke’ Means To Them
While many online firebrands rant and rave against the concept, few take the time to define it. The Onion asked conservatives what “woke” means to them, and this is what they said.
Kyrsten Sinema Descends To Senate Floor On Floating Platform Wearing Dress Shaped Like Gumball Machine
North Korea Tests Underwater Attack Drone Capable Of Generating Radioactive Tsunami
North Korea said it has tested a nuclear-capable underwater attack drone designed to launch a “radioactive tsunami,” with leader Kim Jong-un vowing to make his rivals “plunge into despair.” What do you think?
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
NASHVILLE, TN—In the hours following a violent rampage in Tennessee in which a lone attacker killed at least six individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from…
Teacher Claims She Doesn’t Discriminate Between Black Students, Students She Gives A’s To
LARAMIE, WY—Explaining that she made sure to educate in a fair, unbiased way, local teacher Miranda Osness confirmed Monday that she didn’t discriminate between Black students and the students she gave A’s to. “The African American students are just as capable and perform just as well as the students I decide to…
Fox News Anchors Respond To Claims About Workplace’s Toxic Culture
A former employee claimed that the network discriminated against her because of her gender while she worked at Tucker Carlson Tonight. The Onion asked Fox News anchors to respond to allegations about the workplace’s toxic culture, and this is what they said.
U.S. To Revamp Troubled Organ Transplant System
The federal government outlined a plan to revamp the nation’s organ transplant system, which has over 100,000 patients on the waiting list and has been plagued by problems, including damaged or discarded organs and long wait times. What do you think?
Stressed-Out City Dweller Wishes He Could Move Into Countryside And Just Hammer Nails Into Planks For Living Or Whatever They Do
NEW YORK—Bemoaning the hustle and bustle of his cosmopolitan lifestyle, local city dweller Scott Braintree confirmed Monday that he wished he could move into the countryside and just hammer nails into planks for a living or whatever they do. “Man, no more traffic jams or grinding it out at work—just leave the big city…
MTA Announces New Minimum Income Requirements To Ride Subway
NEW YORK—Promising to restore “law and order” to New York City Transit, the Metropolitan Transportation Authority announced Monday that it would implement new minimum income requirements to ride the subway. “Going forward, all MTA customers must earn a minimum of $70,000 a year to ride the subway, and not a penny…
Man Intending To Just Take Quick Half-Hour Nap Accidentally Dies In His Sleep
MINNEAPOLIS—Feeling annoyed after completely overshooting his time limit for some brief shut-eye, local man Devon Roberts, who reportedly intended to take a quick, half-hour nap Monday, accidentally died in his sleep. “Damn it, when I started my nap it was still light out, and now all I see is infinite blackness,”…