The Onion

Biggest Things Catholics Give Up For Lent

The Onion - Wed, 2022-03-02 16:15

Lent is often used as a period for Catholics to experiment with other religions and even some cults.

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Pope Grants New Fathers Working At Vatican 3-Day Paternity Leave

The Onion - Wed, 2022-03-02 15:32

Pope Francis has amended the Vatican’s family leave policy, which already offers six months of fully paid maternity leave to new mothers, to include a three-day paid paternity leave to new fathers who work at the Vatican. What do you think?

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‘Babe, I Didn’t Even Know You Liked That Stuff,’ Says Man Returning From Romantic Four-Course Meal For Two

The Onion - Wed, 2022-03-02 13:03

COLUMBIA, SC—Saying he didn’t even know she liked that kind of stuff, local man Jonas Hough returned home from a romantic four-course meal for two Wednesday to find his girlfriend angry. “Oh my God, babe, if I knew you enjoyed hearing a string quartet play our song on a garden patio under the stars, I totally would…

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U.S. Governors Order State-Run Liquor Stores To Stop Selling Russian Vodka

The Onion - Wed, 2022-03-02 09:00

The governors of Ohio, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania and Utah have ordered boycotts of Russian-style vodkas, products that account for a tiny fraction of the U.S. vodka market, as a symbolic move to show support for Ukraine after the Russian invasion. What do you think?

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Crows Evolve New Blond Look Concluding 17-Million-Year Goth Phase

The Onion - Wed, 2022-03-02 09:00

BERKELEY, CA—Explaining that the moody species had matured, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley announced Wednesday that crows had evolved a new blond look after concluding their 17-million-year goth phase. “Finally, after millions of years of unnecessary angst and aggression, the Corvus

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Report: You Have Earned Enough OnionBucks To Purchase Virtual Gloves

The Onion - Wed, 2022-03-02 09:00

THE ONIONVERSE—Noting the newly earned digital apparel would help keep your e-fingers stylish and warm, sources confirmed Wednesday that you have earned enough OnionBucks to purchase virtual gloves. “Congratulations, you can now buy a brand-new pair of virtual gloves on the Onion Market,” said the web-based…

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Thousands Of Police Officers March Through Streets To Mourn Cop Who Was Shot While Scratching Ear With Gun

The Onion - Wed, 2022-03-02 09:00

NEW YORK—Standing at attention in honor of their fallen colleague, thousands of members of the New York Police Department marched through the streets Wednesday to mourn an officer who was shot while scratching his ear with his gun. “On that terrible night, Officer Justin Frisch found himself with an extremely itchy…

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Boy Wonders

The Onion - Wed, 2022-03-02 08:00
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Biden Begs Nation To Leave A Tired Old Man Alone

The Onion - Tue, 2022-03-01 22:00

WASHINGTON—In his first official State of the Union Address, President Joe Biden reportedly begged the nation Tuesday evening to leave a tired old man alone. “I was elected to the U.S. Senate in 1972—1972, do you hear me?” said Biden, who highlighted the multitude of objectives he had accomplished thus far into his…

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‘We Are Turning The Corner On The Coronavirus,’ Says Biden As Giant Looming Covid-19 Particle Touches Down On D.C.

The Onion - Tue, 2022-03-01 22:00

WASHINGTON—Stressing that Americans could finally begin returning to their regular lives, President Joe Biden announced during State of the Union address Tuesday that the country was turning the corner on the coronavirus, just as a gargantuan Covid-19 particle touched down on Washington, D.C. “After more than two…

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Biden Touts Incredible State Of Union When Compared To What’s Going On In Ukraine

The Onion - Tue, 2022-03-01 22:00

WASHINGTON—Stressing that the United States was doing relatively well all things considered, President Joe Biden touted an incredible state of the union Tuesday when compared to what’s going on in Ukraine. “You’d think that we’re not doing so hot right now, but then you watch the news about Ukraine and realize it…

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Aides Assure Biden That Putin Not Going To Appear Mid-Speech In Plume Of Smoke

The Onion - Tue, 2022-03-01 21:30

WASHINGTON—In an effort to calm the president’s fears ahead of the State of the Union address, White House aides were reportedly assuring Joe Biden Tuesday that there was no way Vladimir Putin was going to appear mid-speech in a plume of smoke. “Mr. President, I assure you that the Russians do not have the technology…

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Biden’s First State Of The Union: What To Expect

The Onion - Tue, 2022-03-01 16:20

President Joe Biden will deliver his first state of the union address this evening amid the ongoing coronavirus pandemic and the recent Russian invasion of Ukraine. The Onion looks at what to expect from Biden’s address to the nation.

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Switzerland Sanctions Russia, Breaking Neutral Status

The Onion - Tue, 2022-03-01 16:12

Switzerland has announced that it will forego its commitment to “Swiss neutrality” in favor of adopting sanctions against Russia, freezing financial assets of several Russian oligarchs and closing airspace to flights from Russia. What do you think?

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Grandma Eyes Accessibility Ramp With Intensity Of Daredevil About To Jump Grand Canyon

The Onion - Tue, 2022-03-01 09:00

CHARLESTON, SC—Squinting her eyes, exhaling, and whispering “it’s go time” while staring up the shallow incline, local grandmother Clarice Levine eyed the accessibility ramp to her assisted living facility Tuesday with the intensity of a daredevil about to jump the Grand Canyon. “Oh, baby, this is it, this is what…

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16-Year-Old Beats Chess World Champion Magnus Carlsen In Online Tournament

The Onion - Tue, 2022-03-01 09:00

​​Rameshbabu Praggnanandhaa, who in 2016 became the youngest international master in history at 10, is now the youngest to beat reigning five-time world chess champion Magnus Carlsen in the online Airthings Masters championship. What do you think?

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