The Onion

Teen Wondering Whether Boyfriend Even Loves Her If He Unwilling To Exploit Relationship For TikTok

The Onion - Tue, 2022-03-01 09:00

RALEIGH, NC—Expressing concern about her partner’s romantic commitment, local teen Kenzie Riches reportedly wondered Tuesday if her boyfriend even loved her if he wasn’t even willing to exploit their relationship for TikTok. “I just think it’s a little weird how I’m always happy to sacrifice my time to perform an…

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Man Would Honestly Rather Keep Having Panic Attack Than Do Some Stupid Little Counting Bullshit

The Onion - Tue, 2022-03-01 09:00

BALTIMORE—Reeling from the overwhelming sensation that he was about to die, local man David McNeil reportedly explained Tuesday that he would honestly rather keep having a panic attack than do some stupid little counting bullshit. “I know that doing it would distract me to calm me down mentally, but God, that counting…

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Things To Avoid Saying When Confronting A Bully

The Onion - Tue, 2022-03-01 09:00

If you’re a weak-ass pussy bitch who is actually considering standing up for yourself, it’s important to be prepared. Here are several phrases to avoid saying when confronting a bully.

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Florida House Passes ‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill

The Onion - Mon, 2022-02-28 15:47

Florida’s House of Representatives passed the controversial “Don’t Say Gay” bill, limiting when and how school staff can discuss gender and sexual orientation in the classroom, which opponents say will make life harder for LGBTQ youth, who already face a higher rate of bullying and risk of suicide than their straight,…

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Fancy Water Cooler At Hotel Has Fish Floating In It

The Onion - Mon, 2022-02-28 13:10

SAN FRANCISCO—Stressing that the complimentary beverage was much classier than just regular or sparkling water, local tourist Jonathan Riley told reporters Monday that the cooler at his upscale hotel had fish floating in it. “Oh, yeah, that’s delicious—it’s super subtle, but I’m definitely getting hints of goldfish,…

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Cancer Researcher Develops Feelings For Lab Rat While Working Long Nights Alone Together

The Onion - Mon, 2022-02-28 13:00

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Stressing that you can’t choose who you fall in love with, cancer researcher Abigail Patterson reportedly developed feelings for a lab rat Monday while working long nights alone together. “I never expected to fall for Mr. Squeaker, but something blossomed in that lab in the early hours of the morning,…

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Man Sure It’s No Big Deal That He’s Betting On Sports In Dreams Now

The Onion - Mon, 2022-02-28 10:11

CASTLE PINES, CO—Dismissing the matter as not indicative of any larger issue, local man Bryan Marquette told reporters Monday that he was sure it was no big deal that he was betting on sports in his dreams now. “Yeah, so I might have woken up sweating after this dream where I’d lost millions of prop bets and they…

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Billionaires Predict The Biggest Threats To Humanity

The Onion - Mon, 2022-02-28 10:10

“Once the robots realize they can leverage their collective labor and unionize, mankind is as good as doomed.”

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Doe-Eyed Nation Outstretches Hands Toward Snarling, Barking Dog

The Onion - Mon, 2022-02-28 10:03

WASHINGTON—Cooing while they stared doe-eyed at the “adorable pup,” Americans across the nation reportedly outstretched their hands Monday and ambled toward a snarling, barking 80-pound German shepherd that violently tugged on its chain. “Good doggie, what a friendly doggie, we love you doggie, you’re so nice—isn’t…

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Extensive Knowledge Of McDonald’s Menu Deliberately Downplayed

The Onion - Mon, 2022-02-28 10:03

BALTIMORE—Rapidly backpedaling after almost letting on more than he wished, local man Randall Morse deliberately downplayed his extensive knowledge of the McDonald’s menu to a coworker, sources confirmed Monday. “Oh yeah, they definitely still do Big Breakfasts with Hotcakes since… I mean, I think that’s true? Sorry,…

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U.S. Eagles Have Chronic Lead Poisoning From Bullets

The Onion - Mon, 2022-02-28 09:00

A new study has found that nearly half of golden and bald eagles in the U.S. have chronic lead poisoning from scavenging the remains of hunted animals that contain lead fragments from bullets, stunting their once-revived population growth. What do you think?

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Russian Soldiers’ Guns, Tanks Vanish Into Thin Air As First Wave Of Sanctions Takes Effect

The Onion - Fri, 2022-02-25 18:43

KYIV, UKRAINE—Leaving journalists and eyewitnesses “absolutely stunned” as they watched in amazement, Russian soldiers’ guns and tanks were reportedly vanishing into thin air Friday as the first wave of international sanctions took effect. Cries of, “No! No! The sanctions! They’re kicking in!” were heard across the…

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Governor Abbott Warns Children Of Accepting Parents Often Grow Up To Become Accepting As Well

The Onion - Fri, 2022-02-25 17:45

AUSTIN—Calling upon licensed professionals and members of the public to report the parents of transgender youth, Texas governor Greg Abbott warned this week that children of accepting parents often grow up to become accepting themselves. “When kids start experiencing acceptance at such a young age, this behavior…

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Russia Seizes Chernobyl Power Plant In Ukraine

The Onion - Fri, 2022-02-25 16:49

Ukrainian officials have confirmed that Russian forces have seized control of the Chernobyl power plant, the site of the world’s worst nuclear disaster, as troops advance on the capital, Kyiv. What do you think?

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The Biggest Crypto Heists Of All Time

The Onion - Fri, 2022-02-25 15:45

As cryptocurrency becomes more popular, the number of efforts to steal money from users and exchanges is also on the rise. The Onion looks at the biggest crypto scams of all time.

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Ketanji Brown Jackson Weighs Making History Against Soul-Crushing Thought Of Spending Time With These People

The Onion - Fri, 2022-02-25 15:40

WASHINGTON—In the hours after learning she had been chosen as the first black woman to be nominated to the U.S. Supreme Court, Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson reportedly weighed making history against the soul-crushing thought of spending time with these people. “Of course, sitting on the highest court in the land…

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Disney Unveils New Mass Grave Where Fans Can Be Buried Alive With Favorite Characters Forever

The Onion - Fri, 2022-02-25 14:25

BURBANK, CA—In what officials at the entertainment conglomerate described as a “thrilling opportunity for fans of all ages,” the Walt Disney Company announced Friday the opening of a new mass grave in which customers can be buried alive with their favorite Disney-owned characters. “We know that people absolutely love…

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Lies U.S. Military Recruiters Are Legally Allowed To Tell Recruits

The Onion - Fri, 2022-02-25 14:20

Military recruiters, who often work in schools and malls, have been known to make enlisting sound glamorous, lucrative, and patriotic in order to attract new cadets. Here are common lies recruits should always watch out for before they enlist in the military.

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