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The Onion
Education Secretary’s Mom Forced To Stay Up All Night Devising Plan To Combat Student Debt
WASHINGTON—Awake until the wee hours of the morning carefully crafting the policy, Education Secretary Miguel Cardona’s mother was forced to stay up all night devising a plan to combat student debt, sources reported Thursday. “Wait, you have to present a comprehensive plan to address the nation’s growing student debt…
Taylor Swift Concert Solely Attended By Old-Money Aristocrats
GLENDALE, AZ—After the pop sensation’s much-anticipated Eras Tour kicked off with a pair of shows in Arizona, sources confirmed this week that the first Taylor Swift concert in more than three years was attended solely by old-money aristocrats. “I daresay, this is quite the spectacle, and one must admire how hard…
Florida Teachers Explain How They Teach History Without Mentioning Race
In order to win approval from Florida’s Department of Education, publishers have begun removing mentions of race from social studies textbooks. The Onion asked teachers how they teach history without race, and this is what they said.
Gwyneth Paltrow Stands Trial For ‘Hit-And-Run’ Ski Crash
Gwyneth Paltrow is standing trial in a lawsuit filed by a man accusing the actress-turned-lifestyle influencer of violently crashing into him while skiing at a Utah resort in 2016, causing him several serious injuries and then abandoning him. What do you think?
Thoughtful Letter On How To Improve Legislative Process Undercut By Poison Included In Envelope
WASHINGTON—Saying the sender’s contributions were appreciated but ultimately self-defeating, Capitol Police told reporters Wednesday that a thoughtful letter on how to improve the legislative process was undercut by the poison powder included in the envelope. “Although the anonymous assailant’s note had some…
Government Subsidies Awarded To Any CEO Who Says ‘Climate’
WASHINGTON—As part of a $1 trillion clean energy plan to make executives say the word climate more, President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that the federal government would be awarding subsidies to any CEO who says the word climate. “Simply say the word climate, and we’ll give you a $400 million government grant…
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Stormy Daniels
Stormy Daniels: “Fair enough. The last thing I would want to do is make Trump mad at me.”
Trick Questions Cops Ask And How To Respond
Police often rely on a number of deceptive tactics to obtain incriminating evidence or an unintended confession. The Onion offers this guide to the trick questions cops ask and to the responses one must provide to avoid going to jail.
Study Suggests ‘Dad Jokes’ May Help Kids Develop Into Healthy Adults
A recent study suggests “dad jokes” actually have a positive effect on development, with researchers saying that when fathers embarrass their children with unfunny jokes, it teaches them how to overcome awkwardness. What do you think?
Annotations In Used Copy Of ‘Autobiography Of Malcolm X’ Make It Painfully Obvious That Previous Owner Was White
CHICAGO—With dumbfounded question marks and astounded exclamation points littering the margins of almost every page, the handwritten annotations found Wednesday in a secondhand copy of The Autobiography Of Malcolm X made it painfully obvious that the previous owner of the book was white. “It’s amazing how many of the…
D.C. Lobbyists Pay Senators 5 Bucks To Fight Each Other
WASHINGTON—Looking for a fun diversion on a boring Wednesday afternoon, a group of high-powered D.C. lobbyists reportedly paid a couple senators five bucks to fight each other. “Here it is, a crisp fiver to the winner—now fight, you fucking losers,” said U.S. Chamber of Commerce CEO Suzanne Clark as members of Ernst…
What I Got Right About The Iraq War
On the 20th anniversary of the U.S. invasion of Iraq, it’s important for us as a nation to reflect on that conflict and its consequences. As the vice president of the United States in 2003, I was one of the architects of the project to go after Saddam Hussein and his weapons of mass destruction. Today, I believe it’s…
Catholic High School Newsletter Has Updates On Which Alumni Are In Hell Now
FLINT, MI—Calling the dispatches a great way for students to learn what the institution’s former attendees have accomplished since graduation, sources confirmed Tuesday that the Powers Catholic High School’s newsletter provides updates on which alumni are in hell now. “Every monthly bulletin does a couple features on…
Jason Sudeikis Takes White House Lectern To Drunkenly Rant About How Harry Styles Ruined His Life
WASHINGTON—Slurring his words as he forcefully gestured at reporters with a brown-bagged bottle, actor Jason Sudeikis reportedly took the White House lectern during a press conference on mental healthcare to drunkenly rant about how Harry Styles ruined his life. “Mental health is an important way to get a handle…
Jimmy Carter Gets Vasectomy
PLAINS, GA—According to sources familiar with the medical treatment he is currently receiving, former President Jimmy Carter, 98, underwent a conventional surgical vasectomy Tuesday in an effort to prevent any unwanted pregnancies. “I’m not at a point in my life right now where I want to take on the responsibility of…
U.S. Announces Plans To Reclassify Everyone’s Race Based On Net Worth
WASHINGTON—Claiming the new system would make things simpler for everyone and avoid confusing mix-ups, Congress passed a joint resolution Tuesday that would reclassify every citizen’s race according to their net worth. “It is resolved by the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives that any American whose wealth…