The Onion

Understanding The Situation In Ukraine

The Onion - Fri, 2022-02-25 12:57

Simmering tensions in Ukraine have escalated in recent days as Russia launched several military attacks, leading to fears that a larger war is imminent. The Onion offers a primer to help understand the current situation in Ukraine.

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Monsanto Investor Removes Wedding Ring Before Taking Meeting With Tall, Busty Celery

The Onion - Fri, 2022-02-25 12:00

ST. LOUIS—Quickly checking his hair in the mirror and smelling his breath before she arrived, Monsanto investor George Reese reportedly removed his wedding ring Thursday night before taking a meeting with a tall, busty celery stalk. “Well, well, well, there she is—the most beautiful genetically modified stalk of…

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Biden Addresses Ukrainian Crisis With Speech About Perfect Malted Milkshake He Once Drank In 1957

The Onion - Fri, 2022-02-25 09:00

WASHINGTON—Projecting strength and solemnity as he delivered his prepared remarks, President Joe Biden addressed the crisis in Ukraine Friday with a speech about a perfect malted milkshake he once drank in 1957. “It was in a tall glass cup with a long spoon—long spoons, you don’t see those anymore,” said Biden, who…

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Medical Student Surgically Implants Bluetooth Device Into Ear To Cheat On Final Exam

The Onion - Fri, 2022-02-25 09:00

A medical student in India was caught cheating with a cellphone connected to a micro-bluetooth device surgically implanted into his ear, with officials saying it was the student’s final attempt to pass the exam after repeatedly failing it. What do you think?

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U.S. Imposes Single Painful Economic Sanction On Self Just To Show Russia How Fucking Crazy It Is

The Onion - Thu, 2022-02-24 18:55

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to show the international community that America’s threats were not to be taken lightly, the United States reportedly imposed a single painful economic sanction on itself Thursday just to show Russia how fucking crazy it was. “I hope you can take a lotta pain, ’cause we sure as hell can,” said …

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Finale Of ‘Arthur’, Longest-Running Children’s Show, Ends With 20-Year Time Jump

The Onion - Thu, 2022-02-24 18:43

Arthur, the longest-running children’s animated series in the history of American television, has ended with its 25th season, the final episode, titled “All Grown Up,” taking place 20 years into the future when the characters are adults. What do you think?

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U.S. Shocked Russia Would Invade Another Country After Seeing How Badly America’s Recent Invasions Went

The Onion - Thu, 2022-02-24 18:15

WASHINGTON—Bewildered at Vladimir Putin’s reckless decision to launch an assault across the Ukrainian border, U.S. President Joe Biden expressed shock Thursday that Russia would choose to invade another country after seeing how badly America’s recent invasions went. “We thought that the last couple decades or so of…

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World Leaders Vow Regular People Just Trying To Live Their Lives Will Bear The Consequences

The Onion - Thu, 2022-02-24 17:40

MOSCOW, WASHINGTON, KIEV, LONDON, PARIS, OTTAWA, BERLIN—As the ongoing conflict intensified significantly early Thursday when Russia launched military strikes in Ukraine, leaders from around the world vowed that regular people just trying to live their lives would bear the consequences of whatever comes next. “If…

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Man Dreams Of More Equal America That Just Sort Of Happens On Its Own

The Onion - Thu, 2022-02-24 14:50

CINCINNATI—In an impassioned call for a new era of social and economic justice, local man Dale Teffera, 37, told reporters Thursday that he dreams of living in a more equal America that just sort of happens on its own. “My greatest hope is to wake up one morning and suddenly find myself in a country where, somehow,…

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Scotch-Brite Unveils New Scouring Bread For Wiping Up Leftover Pasta Sauce On Plate

The Onion - Thu, 2022-02-24 14:45

MAPLEWOOD, MN—In what the company described as “a delicious way to clean dishes,” abrasive product manufacturer Scotch-Brite announced Thursday it would begin offering a new scouring bread specifically designed for wiping up any dried pasta sauce that is left behind on a plate. “With our all-new, heavy-duty scouring…

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Amazon Transfers Insubordinate Employee To Shifts Working In Solitary Warehouse

The Onion - Thu, 2022-02-24 14:45

ROCKFORD, IL—Tossing the 29-year-old man into the sprawling, empty facility and slamming the steel security door shut, Amazon transferred an insubordinate employee to shifts working in a solitary warehouse, sources confirmed Thursday. “The wellbeing of our employees will always be Amazon’s number-one priority, which…

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Celebrities You Never Knew Started Their Own Alcohol Brand

The Onion - Thu, 2022-02-24 10:18

With studios only willing to pay top talent tens of millions of dollars to act in films, Hollywood actors are often forced to find other sources of revenue to survive. Here are several entrepreneurial celebrities you never knew started their own brands of alcohol.

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Father Arrested After Telling 4-Year-Old Son To Shoot Officers At McDonald’s

The Onion - Thu, 2022-02-24 09:00

A Utah man told his 4-year-old son to shoot at police officers who were attempting to arrest him in a McDonald’s drive-thru after an incident that began over an incorrect food order, with the child wounding one officer before being disarmed. What do you think?

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500-Pound Bear, ‘Hank the Tank’, Breaking Into California Homes For Food

The Onion - Wed, 2022-02-23 18:33

A 500-pound black bear, nicknamed ‘Hank the Tank’ for its large size, broke into more than two dozen South Lake Tahoe homes to rummage for food, still eluding capture after seven months. What do you think?

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The Onion Guide To Trump-Backed Truth Social

The Onion - Wed, 2022-02-23 17:48

Truth Social, a new social media platform backed by former President Donald Trump, soft-launched on Sunday and is already courting controversy. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about Truth Social.

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Famous Authors React To Their Books Being Banned

The Onion - Wed, 2022-02-23 13:30

With culture wars on the rise across the country, more and more school boards are voting to permanently suspend access to certain pieces of literature. We asked famous authors to describe how it felt to have their books banned, and this is what they said.

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