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Please Stop Watching Me Bake These Macarons, It Makes Me Self-Conscious And I Can’t Concentrate
FIFA Officials Open For 2030 World Cup Bribes
ZURICH—Looking ahead to the future after concluding the 2022 World Cup, FIFA officials announced Tuesday that they were officially open for 2030 World Cup bribes. “Given the time it takes to prepare to host a sporting event of this magnitude, the FIFA selection committee would like to accept a winning bribe as soon as…
Things To Never Say To A TSA Officer
Although you may want to say vaguely threatening things to everyone at the airport, it’s best to be careful around certain people. Here are things you should never say to a Transportation Security Administration officer.
Report: Hundreds Of Swimmers Die Every Year Getting Tangled Up In Plastic Lane Dividers
ATLANTA—In a disturbing report published Tuesday on a rising trend in U.S. pools, researchers at Emory University found that hundreds of swimmers die each year after getting tangled up in plastic lane dividers. “Our results indicate that nearly four in 10 swimmers who enter a pool with plastic lane dividers get…
Drill Sergeant Struggling To Communicate That New Recruits Are, In Fact, The Worst He’s Ever Seen
FORT JACKSON, SC— Expressing frustration at his inability to accurately describe his assessment of his current trainees, sources confirmed Tuesday that a drill sergeant was struggling to communicate that his new recruits were, in fact, the worst he’s ever seen. “You’re the lowliest pack of maggots that I ever laid…
‘They Hate Me–They Hate Me Because I’m Fat,’ Says Sobbing Biden Viewing Latest Approval Ratings
WASHINGTON—Turning from side to side in front of the mirror and slapping his belly, President Joe Biden was reportedly sobbing Tuesday, stating, “They hate me—they hate me because I’m fat,” after viewing his latest polling numbers. “No wonder my approval rating is so low, it’s because I look like a big fat hog!” said…
Giant Aquarium Housing 1,500 Fish Bursts In Berlin
Berlin’s AquaDom, the largest freestanding cylindrical aquarium in the world, burst last week, sending a wave of 264,000 gallons of water, glass, and tropical fish pouring into the center of the German capital. What do you think?
Argentina Wins 2022 World Cup
Argentina defeated France in penalty kicks to win the 2022 World Cup, marking the first time since 1986 that the South American nation has won the title. What do you think?
Prince William, Prince Harry Settle Dispute With Arranged Marriages Between Children
LONDON—In an effort to get past the acrimony stirred up by a recent Netflix documentary, Prince William and Prince Harry reportedly settled their dispute Monday by announcing arranged marriages between their children. “This allows us to put to rest all that nasty feuding and get down to what really matters, which…
Neymar Wins World Cup’s Golden Tears Award For Most Faked Injuries
LUSAIL, QATAR—In a ceremony honoring the top on-field performances in the 2022 World Cup, Brazilian forward Neymar received the Golden Tears award Monday for the most faked injuries. “The Golden Tears award is given to the player who best exemplifies the principles of falling to the ground at the slightest contact,…
Trump Mocked For ‘Major Announcement’ He’s Selling Trading Cards
Former President Donald Trump is being mocked over his “major announcement” that he’s selling $99 limited-edition digital trading cards featuring himself depicted as a superhero and astronaut among other characters. What do you think?
Meryl Streep Dropped By Agent After Failing To Develop Massive TikTok Following
LOS ANGELES—After struggling to keep up with the changing times, actress Meryl Streep was reportedly dropped by her agent this week over her failure to cultivate a massive TikTok following. “We’ve had a great time working with Meryl over the years, but unfortunately, her TikTok numbers just aren’t where they’d need to…
Disappointed Man Reaches Bottom Of Ice Cream Carton Right When He Was Hitting His Stride
CLEMSON, SC—Kicking himself for not buying more than a single pint, local man Billy Crenshaw was reportedly disappointed Monday that he had reached the bottom of the ice cream carton right when he was hitting his stride. “Oh man, I was in the fucking zone!” said Crenshaw, adding that he had just started feeling “good…
Report: Over 10,000 Pedestrians Struck Annually By Drivers Rushing To Beat McDonald’s Breakfast Cut-Off Time
WASHINGTON—A new report released Monday by the National Highway Safety Traffic Administration found that more than 10,000 pedestrians are struck every year by drivers rushing to beat the cut-off time for the McDonald’s breakfast menu. “Our estimates show that once every 15 minutes in the U.S., a pedestrian will be…
What To Say If Your Boss Asks You To Work On Christmas
If America is going to be a Christian nation, you sure as hell better get the day off. Here’s what to tell your boss if they ask you to work on Christmas day.
Mac Jones Calls Game ‘Must Win’ After Bill Belichick Shows Him Picture Of His Family Sleeping
LAS VEGAS—Discussing what was riding on the team’s upcoming contest against the Las Vegas Raiders, New England Patriots quarterback Mac Jones reportedly called the game a “must win” after head coach Bill Belichick showed him pictures of Jones’ family sleeping. “Right now, we’re on the cusp of the playoffs, and we…
Week In Review: December 18, 2022