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The Onion
Nation Demands World’s Tallest Man Give World’s Shortest Man A Piggyback Ride
WASHINGTON—Calling on the radically different-sized fellows to finally fulfill their destinies, the U.S. populace reportedly demanded Tuesday that the world’s tallest man give the world’s shortest man a piggyback ride. “Let us be clear: the world’s tallest man must hoist the world’s shortest man onto his back and run…
Act Now!
Downtown studio apartment. One-day lease with option to renew pending progress of demolition crew.
Conservationists Confirm Only Remaining Species Are Humans, Pigeons, Dandelions
WASHINGTON—In an effort to draw attention to the earth’s continuing loss of biodiversity, officials from the World Wildlife Fund confirmed Tuesday that the only remaining species were humans, pigeons, and dandelions. “Yep, that’s it—there are a few thousand pigeons, some dandelions, and then humans are obviously still…
Mom Gives Visiting Daughter Tampon From 1983
SAN CLEMENTE, CA—Stressing that she had one around here somewhere while rifling through her purse, local mother Nancy Jensen gave her visiting daughter a tampon from 1983, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Aha, I knew I’d find one—30 years later, and it’s as good as new,” said an excited, 68-year-old Jensen, who held up the…
Mark Wahlberg Claims 9/11 Would’ve Gone Down Differently If He Were In Al-Qaeda
LAS VEGAS—Alleging that he himself would’ve had the power to change the course of the deadliest terrorist attack in U.S. history, actor and former rapper Mark Wahlberg reportedly claimed Tuesday that 9/11 would have gone down differently if he were in al-Qaeda. “I can tell you this: If I were a radical jihadist in one…
America Celebrates Independence Day
This Fourth of July marks the 247th year of our independence as a nation. How are you celebrating?
The Onion’s Style Guide To Always Supporting The Police
Police face an incredibly difficult task in maintaining order in a barbaric hellscape like America, and journalistic ethics require news sources like The Onion to report the truth accurately from the officers’ perspective. Amid ongoing criticism of how the media portrays violent acts by law enforcement, we’re sharing …
How Much Do You Know About The Founding Of America?
Prove that you’re a true patriot who loves their country by correctly answering these questions about the founding of America.
Supreme Court Strikes Down Student Loan Forgiveness Plan
In a 6-3 ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down the Biden administration’s plan to forgive billions of dollars in federally backed student loan debt, a decision that means millions will have to start making student loan repayments later this year. What do you think?
Texans React To Deadly Heat Wave
Texas residents are currently experiencing temperatures of up to 120 degrees Fahrenheit as a result of an extended “heat dome” hovering over the state. The Onion asked Texans how they felt about the deadly weather, and this is what they said.
Tips For The Perfect Picnic
As springtime blooms and summer awaits, it’s the perfect time for a picnic. The Onion provides tips for a fun, stress-free picnic.
Single Misogynist Ready To Settle Down And Hate One Woman For Rest Of His Life
HARRISONVILLE, MO—Admitting that he was getting older and it was time to take the next step, single misogynist Rudy Griffin told reporters Monday he was ready to settle down and hate one woman for the rest of his life. “I’ve been playing the field of despising tons of stupid bitches for a long time, and I think I’m at…
Study Confirms It Becomes Harder To Make Childhood Friend As An Adult
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Citing data on the isolation and loneliness of Americans, a new study conducted by the Harvard University Department of Psychology confirmed Monday that it becomes much harder to make childhood friends as an adult. “As we age, we tend to get caught up in careers and families, so it becomes more…
Podcaster Watches Bank Account Balance Double For Every Slur He Says Into Mic
NEW YORK—His eyes widening in stunned disbelief at the monumental sum, local podcaster Kyle Campbell was reportedly watching in stunned disbelief Monday as his bank account balance doubled with every slur he said into the microphone. Upon recognizing the phenomenon, sources reported that Campbell began uttering racial…
Goodreads Now Only Permitting Reviews From People Who Haven’t Read The Book
SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to maintain the quality of the website, Goodreads.com announced Monday that it was now only permitting reviews from people who haven’t read the book.“We at Goodreads owe it to both authors and readers to stop people from spamming our review section with coherent analyses of books that…
Microscopic Louis Vuitton Knockoff Bag Sells For Over $63,000
A minuscule handbag measuring just 657 by 222 by 700 microns (or less than 0.03 inches wide) bearing Louis Vuitton’s signature monogram sold for over $63,000 at an online auction. What do you think?