The Onion

Military Recruiter’s Pitch Surprisingly Upfront About How Many Civilians You Get To Kill

The Onion - Wed, 2022-02-23 12:05

HARVEY, IL—A group of high schoolers were reportedly left astonished Wednesday after a military recruiter’s pitch was surprisingly upfront about how many civilians you get to kill. “It wasn’t even hidden in there, it was, like, the second or third sentence of his reasons to enlist,” said senior Gavin McComb, adding…

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Disappointed Baby Takes Plastic Bag Off Head After Reading ‘Warning: Not A Children’s Toy’

The Onion - Wed, 2022-02-23 12:00

WINNETKA, IL—Disappointed that the object was not the intriguing plaything he had initially perceived it to be, local 8-month-old child Josiah O’Connell reportedly removed the plastic bag from his head Wednesday after reading, “Warning: Not A Children’s Toy.” “Aw, fuck, well that’s a shame—I was really looking forward…

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Crows Trained To Pick Up Cigarette Butts In Sweden

The Onion - Wed, 2022-02-23 09:00

A Swedish startup is training crows to pick up discarded cigarette butts from the streets as part of a cost-cutting drive, the wild birds receiving a little food for every butt they deposit into a machine that collects them for disposal.What do you think?

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Fiery Cargo Ship Full Of Porsches Adrift In Ocean

The Onion - Tue, 2022-02-22 16:26

A burning transport ship carrying more than 1,000 luxury cars, including Porsches, was left drifting in the mid-Atlantic after the huge vessel’s 22 crew members were evacuated due to the fire. What do you think?

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New iPhone Setting Reduces Eyestrain With Black Text On Identical Black Background

The Onion - Tue, 2022-02-22 14:00

CUPERTINO, CA—With an upgrade it described as a game changer for the optometric health of its users, Apple announced Tuesday it had created a new iOS setting for iPhone that would reduce eyestrain by displaying black text on a black background of an identical shade. “Apple is proud to introduce an even darker ‘dark…

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Report: Everyone Was Counting On You And You Let Them Down

The Onion - Tue, 2022-02-22 13:15

COLUMBUS, OH—The sorrow in their eyes evident as they spoke in unnervingly subdued, hushed tones, sources confirmed Tuesday that everybody was counting on you and you let them down. “Well, you really blew it this time,” said sources who lowered and shook their heads as they expressed just how high the stakes had been,…

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Restaurant Kitchen Must Have Incredible Diversity And Inclusion Program

The Onion - Tue, 2022-02-22 13:10

CHICAGO—Expressing astonishment at the wide range of backgrounds represented in the restaurant’s back of house, local man Stephen Geller, 37, told reporters Tuesday that the kitchen at La Bouche must have an incredible diversity, equity, and inclusion program. “Man, so many businesses struggle to bring truly diverse…

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Woman Desperately Seeking Excuse To Assault Retail Workers Now That Mask Mandate Lifted

The Onion - Tue, 2022-02-22 13:05

ALBANY, NY—Staring down the store’s staff as she wracked her brain, local woman Monica Hadwin was reportedly desperately seeking an excuse to assault retail workers Tuesday now that the state’s mask mandate had been lifted. “I walked in without a mask and all I got was a ‘Hi, how are you today?’—what the hell am I…

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Worst Things You Can Say To A Child Living Through The Pandemic

The Onion - Tue, 2022-02-22 12:00

This isn’t really comforting.

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Beijing Streets Overrun By Hundreds Of Stray Olympians After End Of Games

The Onion - Mon, 2022-02-21 10:13

BEIJING—Following the previous night’s closing ceremonies, Beijing city officials received numerous reports Monday that the streets were overrun with hundreds of stray Olympians that had been left behind after the 2022 Winter Games. “It’s tempting to go right up to them, but you have to remember that even though they…

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Man Shell Of Imagined Self

The Onion - Mon, 2022-02-21 10:13

NEW YORK—Saying that when he looked in the mirror, he no longer saw the man he once deceived himself to be, local man Ron Stockton, 37, told reporters Monday that over the years he had become just a shell of his imagined self. “Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of my [wholly invented] purpose, and the [completely…

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Hundreds Of Blackbirds Suddenly Fall From Sky

The Onion - Mon, 2022-02-21 09:00

Hundreds of blackbirds were seen on video falling from the sky in Mexico, hitting the pavement with some dying on impact, in an unexplained phenomenon that some experts suggest was caused by a predator or possibly pollution. What do you think?

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Doctor Assures Family Of Dying Patient He Billing Everything He Can

The Onion - Mon, 2022-02-21 09:00

LEBANON, PA—Telling the man’s wife and adult children that the medical facility always strove to ensure no options were left on the table, a doctor reportedly conferred with the family of a dying patient Monday to let them know the hospital was billing everything it could. “Let me assure you that he is receiving the…

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Research Suggests Life On Earth Began Full 20 Minutes Earlier Than Previously Thought

The Onion - Mon, 2022-02-21 09:00

CHICAGO—Emphasizing that there was still so much we still don’t know about the ancient microorganisms, researchers at the University Of Chicago announced Monday that life on Earth may have begun a full 20 minutes earlier than previously thought. “After studying the carbon dating of fossils found in deep sea ocean…

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Most Frequently Googled Cryptocurrency Questions

The Onion - Mon, 2022-02-21 09:00

Cryptocurrency might not be real, but that doesn’t stop countless Americans from researching it, buying it, and pissing away their wealth with it every single day. For Onion readers in need of a primer, here are the most frequently Googled cryptocurrency questions and their answers.

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Melania Accused Of Placing Winning Bid On Own NFT

The Onion - Fri, 2022-02-18 16:49

A recent report found that the winning bid in the auction for former first lady Melania Trump’s NFT came from a virtual wallet that belongs to the same organization that launched the project, suggesting the $185,000 bid came from Trump herself. What do you think?

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