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The Onion
Senate Votes To Ban TikTok On Government Devices
The Senate has unanimously approved legislation that would ban the use of TikTok on government phones and devices as part of the push to combat security concerns related to the Chinese-owned social media company. What do you think?
Elon Musk Hides In Dark Twitter Office As Landlord Bangs On Door Demanding Rent
SAN FRANCISCO—Hissing at his remaining employees to close the blinds and stay out of sight, Elon Musk reportedly hid in a darkened office at Twitter headquarters Friday as his landlord banged on the door demanding that he pay rent. “Oh, shit—everybody get down and shut up,” said Musk, who according to sources turned…
What To Know About The Nuclear Fusion Breakthrough
Scientists at the National Ignition Facility in Livermore, CA announced Tuesday the first-ever successful nuclear fusion reaction that resulted in a net energy gain, an achievement with the potential to reshape energy production. The Onion tells you what you need to know about the nuclear fusion breakthrough.
Ron DeSantis Introduces New Son Barron Trump
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Calling the teenager his pride and joy to the gathering of supporters, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) reportedly introduced his new son Barron Trump at a Friday rally. “That’s my boy, everyone—give the crowd a big smile, Barron,” said DeSantis to the largely silent crowd of his constituents,…
Elon Musk No Longer Richest Person In World
Elon Musk is no longer the world’s richest man after a sharp drop in the value of his shares in electric car company Tesla this year, losing the top spot to France’s Bernard Arnault, the chief executive of LVMH, the luxury group that owns brands like Louis Vuitton. What do you think?
Subway Introduces Mandatory 72-Hour Psychiatric Hold For Anyone Thinking Of Ordering Sandwich
MILFORD, CT—Rolling out the new mental health initiative at locations nationwide, fast food chain Subway announced this week that it had implemented a mandatory 72-hour psychiatric hold for anyone thinking of ordering a sandwich from one of its restaurants. “For their own safety and the safety of those around them,…
Single Woman Feels Safer Keeping Loaded Baked Potato In Nightstand
HOBOKEN, NJ—Saying she wanted one within arm’s reach in case of an emergency, local single woman Frances Higgins told reporters Friday that she just felt safer keeping a loaded baked potato in her nightstand. “God forbid I ever have to use it, but I feel better knowing it’s there,” said the 36-year-old woman, who…
Conservatives Explain How Woke Culture Is Destroying America
As the culture wars continue to escalate, many have cast the “woke mind virus” as public enemy No. 1. The Onion asked conservatives to explain how woke culture is destroying America, and this is what they said.
‘America’s Test Kitchen’ Begs Middle-Aged Women To Stop Sending Them Panties
BOSTON—Emphasizing that it was not just vulgar, but also a serious food safety hazard, representatives from America’s Test Kitchen Thursday begged middle-aged women to stop sending them panties. “While we appreciate everyone’s clear enthusiasm for the show, we cannot have our audience members routinely taking off…
U.S. Announces Nuclear Fusion Energy Breakthrough
Scientists have successfully produced a nuclear fusion reaction resulting in a net energy gain, a major breakthrough in a decades-long quest to unleash an infinite source of clean energy that could help end dependence on fossil fuels. What do you think?
Gates Foundation Unveils Initiative To Give Starving Africans Fat Suits
SEATTLE—As part of the organization’s mission to address the most pressing issues on the world’s poorest continent, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation unveiled Friday an initiative to give starving Africans fat suits. “We’ve witnessed with great sadness how 300 million Africans suffer from chronic hunger, but our…
Onion Sports’ NFL Week 15 Picks
Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 15 games.
Cat Clinging To Side Of Christmas Tree Admits That Was Extent Of Plan
COLUMBUS, GA—Drawing a blank just seconds after landing on the trunk of the Douglas fir, local domestic shorthair Butterscotch confirmed Thursday that clinging to the side of the Christmas tree was the extent of his plan. “Okay, so I’ve jumped halfway up the trunk of the tree and dug my nails into the bark, but now…
What Will Happen To FTX Founder Sam Bankman-Fried?
On Tuesday, the SEC charged Sam Bankman-Fried with several counts of fraud and conspiracy related to the collapse of his cryptocurrency exchange, FTX, and opinion is divided as to the potential consequences. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for their predictions on what will happen to Sam Bankman-Fried.
CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried
Disgraced FTX Cryptocurrency founder Sam Bankman-Fried was arrested in the Bahamas for defrauding investors. The Onion asked prominent CEOs what they thought about the arrest of the “Crypto King,” and this is what they said.
‘Woman’ Named Dictionary.com’s 2022 Word Of The Year
Dictionary.com has named “woman” its 2022 word of the year, calling the word “inseparable from the story of 2022” after abortion rights and ongoing cultural conversations around gender, identity, and language dominated discussion this year. What do you think?
Ancestry Website Shows Chart Of Which Dead People Busted Loads Inside Other Dead People
MISSOULA, MT—In a display presenting a rich, detailed portrait of their family histories and ancestral lineages, website GeneologyMe.com shows its users a chart of which dead people busted loads inside which other dead people, sources confirmed Thursday. “It turns out I hail from a long line of Irish people who,…