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- Iran: Thousands of Iranian Steelworkers Strike for Better Wages
- United Arab Emirates: COP28: Migrant Rights Essential to Climate Action; Governments Should Confront COP28 Host UAE on Abuses
- Palestine: Fighting for peace and cooperation between Palestinian and Israeli workers in times of war
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- Canada: Broad union action for better pay and working conditions in all public services in Quebec
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The Onion
Convicted Felons Give Trump Advice For Going To Prison
With the former president facing 91 criminal charges in four indictments, The Onion asked convicted felons to give Donald Trump advice for going to prison, and this is what they said.
Cop Annoyed At Assumption That All Police Officers Are As Bad As Him
DALLAS—Stressing that those sorts of boilerplate ways of looking at human beings didn’t help anybody, local police officer Tyler Franklin told reporters Tuesday that he was annoyed by the assumption that all police officers were as bad as him. “Look, obviously there are going to be some bad apples like myself who…
Parents Don’t Understand How Son Could Spend So Much Money To Live In Place That Brings Him Joy
DAYTON, OH—Saying that it made absolutely zero sense for him to squander his paycheck on rent that high, local parents Janet and Greg Tillson told reporters Tuesday that they didn’t understand how their son could spend so much money to live in a place that brought him joy. “Frankly, I don’t understand it at all—why…
Queen’s ‘Fat Bottomed Girls’ Cut From ‘Greatest Hits’ Album For Younger Audiences
Queen’s 1978 hit “Fat Bottomed Girls” has been removed from the band’s Greatest Hits album on Yoto, an audio platform for children, after the company decided it was not appropriate for its audience. What do you think?
Christians Explain Why They Push Christianity In Public Schools
Many public schools across the United States violate religious freedom laws by leading children in prayer and hanging the Ten Commandments in classrooms. The Onion asked Christians why they push Christianity in public schools, and this is what they said.
MLB Announces Second Pitch Clock
NEW YORK—Following the successful rollout of the pitch clock this season, MLB officials announced Tuesday that the 2024 season would feature a second pitch clock. “With quicker games leading to a majority of fans supporting the pitch clock, it only makes sense to keep doing what works, which is why all games will…
Richard Sackler Pays $1.5 Billion To Rename All Picasso’s Works After Himself
BOCA RATON, FL—In an effort to re-enshrine his family’s legacy in the art world following the removal of its name from a wing of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, billionaire former president of Purdue Pharma Richard Sackler revealed Monday that he was paying $1.5 billion to rename all of Pablo Picasso’s works after…
China Bans Seafood From Japan As Treated Radioactive Fukushima Water Release Begins
Japan has begun releasing treated radioactive water from the wrecked Fukushima nuclear power plant into the Pacific Ocean, a process expected to take 30 years to complete, prompting China to immediately ban all seafood from the country. What do you think?
Spanish Soccer President Refuses To Resign After Forcibly Kissing Player At World Cup
Spanish soccer boss Luis Rubiales, who forcibly kissed a player after the country’s Women’s World Cup victory, has refused to resign, fueling anger among the team and government ministers, who decried his actions as unacceptable macho behavior. What do you think?
Democrats Respond To Jacksonville Shooting With Proposal To Remove Black People From Circulation
WASHINGTON—Following a Jacksonville, FL mass shooting in which a white assailant killed three African Americans, Democrats in the U.S. Senate introduced a bill Monday they said would address the continuing crisis of racially motivated attacks by removing all Black people from circulation. “The only way to prevent…
Nerd Who Spent Summer Getting Into Shape Quickly Discovers Bully Worked Out Twice As Hard
BELLINGHAM, WA—Admitting that his physical transformation didn’t even come close to cutting it, local nerd Hayden Gardner told reporters Monday he had spent all summer getting into shape only to discover his bully had worked out twice as hard. “Wow, I thought that I’d spent the last three months getting totally swole,…
New Poll Finds Most Americans See Biden As Too Old To Effectively Lead Conga Line
WASHINGTON—In a troubling sign for the incumbent president, a new poll released Monday by the Pew Research Center found that most Americans see President Joe Biden, 80, as too old to effectively lead a conga line. “Our data indicated that among both registered and unregistered voters, Americans overwhelmingly believe…
Simone Biles Makes History As First Gymnast To Successfully Perform Somersault
SAN JOSE, CA—Winning her eighth U.S. Championship in 10 years, Simone Biles made history Sunday as the first gymnast to successfully perform a somersault. “We have never seen a gymnast, male or female, able to stick the landing on the somersault,” said Maureen Shevrin, one of the eight judges who awarded the gymnast a…
White Evangelicals Explain Why They Refuse To Vote For Vivek Ramaswamy
Despite a dominant performance at the first Republican debate, presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy is still lagging at the polls. The Onion asked white evangelicals why they refuse to vote for Vivek Ramaswamy, and this is what they said.
Sensitive College Students Require Trigger Warning Before Seeing Professor’s Penis
BOWLING GREEN, OH—Complaining about the “woke mind virus” that had taken over the campus, Bowling Green State University economics professor Gerard Admussen told reporters Monday that the overly sensitive college students require a trigger warning before seeing his penis. “Back in my day, seeing a teacher’s half-erect…
Americans Reveal How They Would Like To Die In The Climate Apocalypse
With the significant increase in deadly hurricanes, wildfires, droughts, heat waves, and floods, The Onion asked Americans how they would like to die in the climate apocalypse, and this is what they said.
Doctors Alarmed After Early Tests Suggest That Pregnant Woman Black
DURHAM, NC—Appearing saddened as they explained it was a congenital defect and there was almost nothing they could do, doctors at Duke University Hospital expressed alarm Monday after early tests suggested that a pregnant woman was Black. “We are so sorry, and we understand this is absolutely not the news you wanted…
Yevgeny Prigozhin Leads Army Of 25,000 Undead Toward Kremlin
MOSCOW—Returning from beyond the grave to seek revenge on Vladimir Putin for the Russian president’s suspected involvement in his untimely death, the late oligarch and Wagner Group founder Yevgeny Prigozhin has begun marching toward the Kremlin with an army of 25,000 undead soldiers, sources reported Monday. “I live…
Grandmother’s Sudden Death Forces Parents To Explain To Children What Happens When You Snitch
JERSEY CITY, NJ—In the tragic wake of her unexpected passing, sources confirmed Monday that a grandmother’s sudden death forced local parents Wilson and Patricia LaRusso to explain to their children what happens when you snitch. “Well, buddy, Gran-Gran was a rat—do you know what that is?” Wilson LaRusso said as he and…