The Onion

Biden Administration Under Fire For Breaking Child Labor Laws After Half Of Cabinet Revealed To Be Under Age Of 10

The Onion - Thu, 2023-03-16 07:00

WASHINGTON—Drawing swift rebukes from regulators and industry activists, the Biden administration came under fire Thursday for breaking child labor laws after half of the federal cabinet was revealed to be under the age of 10. “We’ve confirmed that there are department heads as young as six running agencies like the…

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Study Finds Early Humans Domesticated Wolves After Failed Attempts At Domesticating Crocodiles

The Onion - Thu, 2023-03-16 06:45

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—According to a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of Anthropological Research, early humans domesticated wolves after numerous failed attempts at domesticating crocodiles. “Discouraged by a lack of progress and their loss of limbs, early man stopped sharing their scraps of meat with crocodiles…

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Retired Coach K Spends Afternoon Screaming At Ducks To Get Back On Defense

The Onion - Thu, 2023-03-16 06:30

DURHAM, NC—Pacing back and forth in front of a park bench on a beautiful sunny day, retired Duke University basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski reportedly spent Thursday afternoon screaming at the ducks to get back on defense. “What are you doing over there? Come on, hustle!” said the decorated former NCAA coach, who…

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Tweets Andrew Tate Has Sent While In Jail

The Onion - Thu, 2023-03-16 06:15

Although Andrew Tate remains detained in Romanian prison, the far-right men’s rights influencer somehow still has access to Twitter. Since his arrest, here is every tweet Andrew Tate has sent.

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5,000-Mile-Wide Blob Of Seaweed Heading Towards Florida

The Onion - Thu, 2023-03-16 06:00

A 5,000-mile-wide blob of seaweed, known as the great Atlantic Sargassum belt, is drifting in the Gulf of Mexico toward Florida, where scientists say it may wash ashore and emit toxic, foul-smelling fumes as it rots. What do you think?

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Biden Approves Controversial Oil Drilling Project In Alaska

The Onion - Wed, 2023-03-15 17:07

The Biden administration approved a massive $8 billion drilling project in Alaska for oil company ConocoPhillips, drawing objections from environmental groups who say it will speed up the climate breakdown and undermine food security. What do you think?

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Dad Bookmarks Rik Smits’ Wikipedia Page

The Onion - Wed, 2023-03-15 12:25

GOSHEN, IN—After a cursory scanning of the 1,300-word online document about the retired basketball player led the man to decide he needed to have it at his fingertips in the future, local dad Mark Whitner bookmarked Rik Smits’ Wikipedia page, sources confirmed Wednesday. “It took me a while to find this page, so I…

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Twin Absorbs Sibling At 62

The Onion - Wed, 2023-03-15 12:00

GARY, IN—Confirming the results after extensive medical imaging, a team of doctors at Indiana University Northwest reported Wednesday a case of one twin absorbing another at the age of 62. “It’s more common than you think,” said Dr. Joseph Beaumont, stipulating that clinicians typically saw this type of autositic…

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Tech Moguls React To The Silicon Valley Bank Collapse

The Onion - Wed, 2023-03-15 08:58

The collapse of Silicon Valley Bank is the largest failure of a financial institution since Washington Mutual went under in 2008. The Onion asked tech moguls how they felt about the bank’s failure, and this is what they said.

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Fast-Talking Biden Upsells Australian Prime Minister 2 Extra Nuclear Subs But He Has To Sign Today

The Onion - Wed, 2023-03-15 08:53

SAN DIEGO—Saying this was the sort of sweetheart deal that he wouldn’t give his own mother, a fast-talking Joe Biden reportedly upsold Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese on two extra nuclear submarines this week, but emphasized that he had to sign today. “Look, Tony—cool if I call you Tony, right?—you seem…

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Tucker Carlson’s Biggest Lies

The Onion - Wed, 2023-03-15 08:51

While the Fox News host is not necessarily known for being honest, text messages released in the Dominion Voting Systems lawsuit show that Tucker Carlson frequently lies to viewers. The Onion examines Tucker Carlson’s biggest lies.

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Starbucks CEO Clearly Just Coming To Company Headquarters To Use Bathroom

The Onion - Wed, 2023-03-15 06:15

SEATTLE—Calling his motivations “beyond transparent,” sources at Starbucks headquarters confirmed Wednesday that CEO Howard Schultz was clearly only coming into the building to use the bathroom. “He clogged the toilet, stuffed some sugar packets into his pockets, and left,” said 27-year-old Starbucks project manager…

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Buffalo Wild Wings Sued Over Claim That ‘Boneless Wings’ Aren’t Wings

The Onion - Wed, 2023-03-15 06:00

A Chicago man filed a class action lawsuit against Buffalo Wild Wings, saying the restaurant chain is charging too much for its boneless wings, which are basically nuggets and not made from the actual wing of a chicken. What do you think?

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Ron DeSantis Bans Births In Florida Due To Exposure Of Impressionable Infants To Vagina

The Onion - Tue, 2023-03-14 14:30

TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an ongoing effort to protect children from sexually explicit scenes, Gov. Ron DeSantis banned births in the state of Florida on Tuesday, citing the need to protect impressionable infants from exposure to vaginas. “No longer will we allow our innocent babies, in the first moments of their lives, to…

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Mark Zuckerberg Worried Facebook Listening To Him After Being Pushed Shirt That Says ‘I Just Laid Off 10,000 Employees’

The Onion - Tue, 2023-03-14 14:00

PALO ALTO, CA—Noting the eerie feeling of being surveilled, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg reportedly expressed concern Tuesday that Facebook was listening to him after he received a targeted ad for a shirt that read “I Just Laid Off 10,000 Employees.” “How could it even know I just said that? It’s got to be using my…

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Police Arrest Woman Reporting Domestic Abuse For Being Tattletale

The Onion - Tue, 2023-03-14 08:43

MIDDLEBOROUGH, MA—Responding to an emergency call Tuesday from a victim of domestic violence, local police placed Cindy Tarnes, 37, under arrest for tattling on her abuser. “An officer arrived at the scene of what appeared to be an aggravated assault, where he informed Ms. Tarnes that she was being taken into custody…

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