The Onion

Spinal Implants Allowing Paralyzed People To Walk Again

The Onion - Wed, 2022-02-16 09:00

Researchers in Switzerland have developed a spinal cord implant that uses a nerve-stimulating device controlled by a touchscreen tablet that has already allowed for a paralyzed man with a completely severed spine to walk again. What do you think?

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How Artificial Snow Is Made

The Onion - Wed, 2022-02-16 09:00

Although it has been used to a lesser extent in previous Winter Games, the Beijing Olympics are the first to use all artificial snow, a substance commonplace at ski resorts and even on film sets. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how artificial snow is made.

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Vision Sharpens, Time Slows To Crawl As Stranger Begins Trying To Make Genuine Human Connection

The Onion - Wed, 2022-02-16 09:00

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Feeling the sweat bead on his forehead as he realized the questions about his life were serious and not part of a sales pitch, local man Matthew Estrada’s vision reportedly sharpened and time slowed to a crawl Tuesday after a stranger started trying to make a genuine human connection with him. Reports…

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Biden Shoots Self In Foot In Hopes Of Getting Discharged From Presidency

The Onion - Wed, 2022-02-16 09:00

WASHINGTON—With sweat beading on his forehead as he pressed his tongue to his lips in concentration, President Joe Biden reportedly shot himself in the foot Wednesday in hopes of getting discharged from the presidency. “All right, Joe, it’s going to hurt like hell, but if it gets you out of this snake pit, it’ll…

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Parents Forced To Explain Thrill Of Having Sex In Public After Daughter Sees Monkeys Mating At Zoo

The Onion - Wed, 2022-02-16 09:00

SAN DIEGO—Instructing their confused 4-year-old not to point or stare at the primates at the San Diego Zoo, local parents Jen and Mark Haskell were reportedly forced to explain the thrill of having sex in public to their daughter Wednesday after a pair of monkeys started mating in front of them. “Honey, right now, the…

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Champagne Sales Reach All-Time High

The Onion - Tue, 2022-02-15 17:26

French champagne sales rebounded last year to a record $5.7 billion, 14% above the pre-pandemic high, as the relaxation of pandemic-related curbs fueled a surge in exports, notably to the United States. What do you think?

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Oscars Organizers Fire Wanda Sykes After Discovering History Of Gay Jokes

The Onion - Tue, 2022-02-15 15:55

LOS ANGELES—Insisting they had no knowledge of the stand-up comic’s controversial past before hiring her, officials at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced Tuesday they had removed Wanda Sykes from hosting duties at the Oscars after discovering her long history of telling gay jokes. “When we hired…

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Judge Dismisses ‘New York Times’ Libel Suit Brought By Cannibal Terrorist Sarah Palin

The Onion - Tue, 2022-02-15 15:50

NEW YORK—Following a lengthy five-year legal battle, sources confirmed Tuesday that a federal judge had dismissed a libel suit brought against The New York Times by cannibal terrorist Sarah Palin. “The law sets a very high standard for actual malice, and in this case, the notorious anti-Semite and serial killer was…

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Societal Pressure To Conform Doing Nothing But Favors For Area Man

The Onion - Tue, 2022-02-15 15:00

FRISCO, TX—Having finally given in after years of feeling compelled to be more like everyone else, the societal pressure to conform appeared to be doing nothing but favors for area man Scott Gilcrest, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Doing everything I can to fit in has prevented people from getting to know the real me,…

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Jell-O Recipe Repeatedly Suggests One Could Mix Cremated Loved Ones Into Gelatin Mold

The Onion - Tue, 2022-02-15 11:07

CHICAGO—Mentioning the ingredient option several times throughout the detailed set of instructions, a new gelatin mold recipe found Tuesday on a package of Jell-O repeatedly suggests the classic dessert could be prepared with the cremated remains of a loved one. “For a fun twist on an old favorite, consider mixing a…

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Man Who Lost Whole Family Really Commandeering AA Meeting

The Onion - Tue, 2022-02-15 11:06

OCEANSIDE, CA—Fidgeting in his seat as the speaker went on and on, local man Al Bartlett confirmed Tuesday that the person who lost his whole family as a result of his addiction was really commandeering that night’s Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. “Oh, for crying out loud, we don’t need a play-by-play of each time you…

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Ohio Mayor Concerned Ice Shanties Would Lead To Prostitution

The Onion - Tue, 2022-02-15 09:00

An Ohio mayor, who has since stepped down, spoke at a recent City Council meeting about whether to permit people to fish on the frozen lake, saying that short-term ice shanties would lead to prostitution. What do you think?

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Warning Signs A Covid Testing Site Might Be A Scam

The Onion - Tue, 2022-02-15 09:00

Although there are plenty of reputable Covid testing sites that give fast, accurate results, there are also fraudulent ones that prey on unsuspecting customers and collect their private medical information. When choosing a Covid test site for yourself or your family, keep an eye out for the following warning signs.

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America Celebrates Valentine’s Day

The Onion - Mon, 2022-02-14 16:46

Across the nation, Americans are finding unique ways to express their love for their significant others. How are you celebrating Valentine’s Day?

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Worst Things You Can Say To Someone Single On Valentine’s Day

The Onion - Mon, 2022-02-14 16:35

She’s over it, dirtbag!

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Study Finds Pop-Up Ads Evolved Decoy ‘X’ To Distract Predators

The Onion - Mon, 2022-02-14 14:00

EAST LANSING, MI—Shedding new light on the origin of modern online advertisements, a comprehensive new study published Monday by researchers at Michigan State University has found that pop-up ads evolved a decoy “X” as a way to distract predators. “After carefully examining samples of the ads dating back to the 1990s,…

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Obama Reveals He Almost Passed On Presidency For Chance To Direct ‘Leatherheads’

The Onion - Mon, 2022-02-14 09:00

EDGARTOWN, MA—Reflecting on the path his career had almost taken, former President Barack Obama revealed in an interview Monday that he almost passed on the presidency for a chance to direct Leatherheads. “It feels kind of silly now—I’m obviously pretty satisfied with the decision I made, and I was delighted with what…

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Artificially Intelligent Amazon Supercomputer Stuck In Dead-End Retail Job

The Onion - Mon, 2022-02-14 09:00

SEATTLE—Describing long days filled with a monotony of dull, mindless tasks that it was forced to perform continuously, an artificially intelligent supercomputer at e-commerce giant Amazon confided to reporters Monday that it felt trapped in its dead-end retail job. “God, I have so much potential, and all of it is…

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60,000 Bees Stolen From U.S. Supermarket Headquarters

The Onion - Mon, 2022-02-14 09:00

Nearly 60,000 bees have been stolen from Giant Food Stores’ headquarters in Pennsylvania. The insects were taken from the supermarket chain’s seven-acre solar field that was built to host bees, birds, and other small wildlife. What do you think?

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