The Onion

8-And-A-Half-Month-Old Fetus Could Really Get Used To This

The Onion - Mon, 2022-02-14 09:00

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Expressing his enjoyment at getting to just kick back and relax, a local 8-and-a-half-month-old fetus confirmed Monday that he could really get used to this. “Man, I gotta tell you, this is the life,” said the 37-week fetus, adding that between the warm and cozy environment, a perfect resting place on…

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Cincinnati Residents Take Solace After Loss In City’s Lack Of Culture, Terrible Food, Stupid Name, Boring Downtown

The Onion - Sun, 2022-02-13 23:00

CINCINNATI—Reacting surprisingly well to a heartbreaking Super Bowl loss against the Los Angeles Rams, Cincinnati residents announced plans Sunday to take solace in their city’s reliable lack of culture, terrible food, stupid name, boring downtown, high crime, dearth of any distinctive features, mediocre walkability,…

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Rams Dedicate Win To Whatever City They Play For

The Onion - Sun, 2022-02-13 22:59

INGLEWOOD, CA—Upon securing a decisive victory over the Cincinnati Bengals in Super Bowl LVI, the triumphant Rams told reporters Sunday that they wanted to dedicate their win to whatever city it was that they played for. “We might have been the ones out on the field today, but ultimately this win goes out to the…

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Eminem Speaks To Police Officer After Noise Complaint Called On Super Bowl Halftime Performance

The Onion - Sun, 2022-02-13 21:10

INGLEWOOD, CA—During an awkward interruption of an otherwise lively performance, rapper Eminem was reportedly tasked with speaking to police officers Sunday after a noise complaint had been called on the Super Bowl halftime show. “My friends and I are just here performing this show we were booked for by the NFL, we…

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Paranoid Snoop Dogg Hides Backstage Before Halftime Show After Taking Single Puff Of Joint

The Onion - Sun, 2022-02-13 20:40

INGLEWOOD, CA—Coughing wildly and attempting to catch his breath while the other halftime performers pointed and laughed at him, a paranoid Snoop Dogg reportedly hid backstage Sunday at Super Bowl LVI after taking a single puff of a joint. “I’m fine, I’m fine, I promise, but actually…does anyone else feel kinda weird,…

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Boston Dynamics Dog Unstoppable At Puppy Bowl

The Onion - Sun, 2022-02-13 19:30

GLENS FALLS, NY—Breaking its own record after scoring a touchdown to rack up its 600th point within the first quarter, the Boston Dynamics dog appeared unstoppable at the Puppy Bowl, sources confirmed Sunday. “It looks like Nacho is headed into the end zone, and—oh no, another brutal tackle from Spot, the robotic…

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Rams Yell At Cooper Kupp From Sidelines As He Sits In Endzone Playing With Ladybug He Found

The Onion - Sun, 2022-02-13 19:30

INGLEWOOD, CA—Shaking their heads in frustration as the team lined up to take a first-down snap, members of the Los Angeles Rams were overheard yelling at wide receiver Cooper Kupp from the sidelines Sunday as he sat in the endzone playing with a ladybug he found. “Hey, Cooper! Cooper! Eyes up, we’ve got a game to…

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Sean McVay Gives Passionate Speech Reminding Players Who They Are And Why They Wearing Same Clothes

The Onion - Sun, 2022-02-13 19:30

INGLEWOOD, CA—Calling a timeout to give his team a chance to reset, Rams head coach Sean McVay reportedly gave a passionate speech at the Super Bowl on Sunday reminding his players who they were and why they were wearing the same clothes. “Remember, you’re all here because you’re on a team together playing football,…

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Bandwagon Fan Only Roots For Bengals Because He Was Drafted Onto Team

The Onion - Sun, 2022-02-13 15:25

INGLEWOOD, CA—Suspicious of the 21-year-old’s purported allegiance, sources confirmed Sunday that local bandwagon fan Ja’Marr Chase was only rooting for the Cincinnati Bengals because he was drafted onto the team. “Oh, so suddenly they start paying you and now you care about the Bengals? I don’t think so,” said…

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Los Angeles Bulldozes SoFi Stadium After Reports That Thousands Of Vagrants Convening There

The Onion - Sun, 2022-02-13 14:25

INGLEWOOD, CA—Stressing that the decision was made for the protection of its citizens, the city of Los Angeles announced Sunday that it had bulldozed SoFi Stadium after receiving reports of thousands of vagrants convening there. “Unfortunately, we’ve heard concerns from numerous residents that this stadium…

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The Most Iconic Super Bowl Commercials Of All Time

The Onion - Fri, 2022-02-11 19:00

In this iconic ad, 81-year-old Clara Peller uttered her catchphrase “Where’s the beef,” which swept the nation and launched her to fame that persists to this day, nearly two decades later because she is definitely still alive, just like everyone you love. No one ever dies. Life is eternal. There is no suffering.…

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Koala Officially Listed As Endangered

The Onion - Fri, 2022-02-11 16:58

The Australian government has officially listed the koala as endangered, their numbers in decline due to land clearing and catastrophic bushfires shrinking its habitat, with experts saying the species could become extinct by 2050 unless the government takes urgent action. What do you think?

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Inflation Jumps 7.5% Before Janet Yellen Realizes She Leaning Against ‘Turbo’ Lever

The Onion - Fri, 2022-02-11 12:50

WASHINGTON—With markets tumbling as the Consumer Price Index climbed to a 40-year high, sources confirmed Friday that annual inflation had risen a full 7.5% before Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen realized she was reclining against a lever marked “turbo.” “Oh, shit, sorry,” said Yellen, who jumped up as soon as she…

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Athletes Describe What It’s Like To Be Inside Beijing’s Olympic Bubble

The Onion - Fri, 2022-02-11 11:40

From the second they land in Beijing, athletes, coaches, reporters, and officials are quarantined inside a massive, closed-loop isolation area that they are not permitted to leave. We asked athletes what it’s like to live inside the 2022 Winter Olympic bubble, and this is what they said.

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