WASHINGTON—As he entered the third day of his stay at George Washington University Hospital, sources confirmed Friday that the treatment Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had received for a concussion sustained during a fall at a D.C. dinner event had left him bankrupt. “For the love of God, how is anyone supposed to be…
Eighty-one-year-old Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell suffered a concussion after tripping during a private dinner event at a D.C. hotel and remains hospitalized “for a few days of observation and treatment.” What do you think?
LOW EARTH ORBIT—Noting that he had a feeling something was off the second he left for a spacewalk, SpaceX Crew member Chris Jeffries told reporters Friday that he realized he had been fired after being locked out of the Dragon capsule. “While no one has explicitly told me that my job has been eliminated, judging by…
PALM BEACH, FL—Boasting that the Florida governor’s human rights violations were “nothing” next to his own, Donald Trump reportedly one-upped Ron DeSantis Friday by claiming he had tortured more prisoners at Guantánamo Bay. “I laughed way harder at the detainees’ cries of anguish than DeSantis did—I was cackling so…
LOS GATOS, CA—Emphasizing that the earlier they found out about the brutal homicides, the better the end results, Netflix officials asked Friday that any men thinking of killing their families just go ahead and contact them directly first. “If you have plans to orchestrate a deadly string of murders that leaves your…
LONDON—In an attempt to determine how attendees might react to his latest research, a scientist speaking at the Third International Summit on Human Genome Editing this week reportedly wanted to know where his colleagues stood before he pulled the curtain off a giant cage. “It’s a great honor to present my work to this…
Throughout the years, the Academy Awards have had their share of shocking and scandalous moments. The Onion examines the Oscars’ biggest controversies of all time.
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Promising the incredibly cheap and easy procedure would ultimately change patients’ lives forever, YouTube star MrBeast released a video Friday in which he re-blinded 1,000 people. “Today is awesome, because starting right now, we’re going to find hundreds of formerly blind people, stab them in the…
JERUSALEM—In a discovery researchers say could transform millennia of belief about Christianity’s founder, archaeologists from the University of Oxford uncovered new evidence Wednesday suggesting that Jesus Christ used followers’ money to purchase a lavish fleet of private donkeys. “Obviously, Christ preached much…
Presidential candidate Nikki Haley recently suggested that all elected officials over the age of 75 should have to pass a mental competency test in order to hold office. Could you pass it?
NEW YORK—Noting that there would be no reason to be concerned for the future of the planet again until tomorrow morning at the earliest, climate scientists at Columbia University announced Thursday that Earth was doing pretty good today, so everyone could take the afternoon off and have fun. “If anything, Earth could…
Arkansas Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders (R) signed legislation into law that removes the age verification process for children entering the workforce. What do you think?
PASADENA, CA—Indicating concern that an inaccuracy might be recorded in her medical chart, local dog Potato Morrison expressed annoyance toward her veterinarian Thursday after she was weighed her with both her jacket and boots still on. “Eight pounds? You’ve gotta be kidding me—there’s no way that’s right,” said the…
SUITLAND, MD—Saying that at this point she just wondered how long it would take everyone to notice, U.S. Census Bureau employee Rita Edmond confided to reporters Thursday that, out of sheer boredom, she had changed every Ohio resident’s name to Laura. “Ever since I randomly decided to do it this morning, all 11.78…
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Touting the nutrition plan as a way to keep children alert and engaged during the school day, Gov. Ron DeSantis announced Thursday that he would be overseeing a new program offering Florida students free force-fed meals. “Every child has the right to be force-fed until they’re physically ill,” said…