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The Onion
Aaron Rodgers Reflects On Life Choices After Jets Emerge As Only Potential Suitor
Mitch McConnell Bankrupted By 3-Day Stay In Hospital
WASHINGTON—As he entered the third day of his stay at George Washington University Hospital, sources confirmed Friday that the treatment Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had received for a concussion sustained during a fall at a D.C. dinner event had left him bankrupt. “For the love of God, how is anyone supposed to be…
McConnell Hospitalized After Fall At Dinner Event In D.C. Hotel
Eighty-one-year-old Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell suffered a concussion after tripping during a private dinner event at a D.C. hotel and remains hospitalized “for a few days of observation and treatment.” What do you think?
SpaceX Crew Member Realizes He Fired After Being Locked Out Of Capsule
LOW EARTH ORBIT—Noting that he had a feeling something was off the second he left for a spacewalk, SpaceX Crew member Chris Jeffries told reporters Friday that he realized he had been fired after being locked out of the Dragon capsule. “While no one has explicitly told me that my job has been eliminated, judging by…
Trump One-Ups Ron DeSantis By Claiming He Tortured More Prisoners At Guantánamo Bay
PALM BEACH, FL—Boasting that the Florida governor’s human rights violations were “nothing” next to his own, Donald Trump reportedly one-upped Ron DeSantis Friday by claiming he had tortured more prisoners at Guantánamo Bay. “I laughed way harder at the detainees’ cries of anguish than DeSantis did—I was cackling so…
Netflix Asks Any Men Thinking Of Killing Their Families To Just Contact Them Directly First
LOS GATOS, CA—Emphasizing that the earlier they found out about the brutal homicides, the better the end results, Netflix officials asked Friday that any men thinking of killing their families just go ahead and contact them directly first. “If you have plans to orchestrate a deadly string of murders that leaves your…
Speaker At Human Genome Editing Conference Just Wants To Know Where Colleagues Stand Before Pulling Curtain Off Giant Cage
LONDON—In an attempt to determine how attendees might react to his latest research, a scientist speaking at the Third International Summit on Human Genome Editing this week reportedly wanted to know where his colleagues stood before he pulled the curtain off a giant cage. “It’s a great honor to present my work to this…
The Most Controversial Moments At The Oscars
Throughout the years, the Academy Awards have had their share of shocking and scandalous moments. The Onion examines the Oscars’ biggest controversies of all time.
‘There’s No Rule That The Controls Have To Be In The Head,’ Says Giant Robot Operator Piloting From Crotch Deck
MrBeast Re-Blinds 1,000 People
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Promising the incredibly cheap and easy procedure would ultimately change patients’ lives forever, YouTube star MrBeast released a video Friday in which he re-blinded 1,000 people. “Today is awesome, because starting right now, we’re going to find hundreds of formerly blind people, stab them in the…
New Evidence Finds Christ Used Followers’ Money On Lavish Fleet Of Private Donkeys
JERUSALEM—In a discovery researchers say could transform millennia of belief about Christianity’s founder, archaeologists from the University of Oxford uncovered new evidence Wednesday suggesting that Jesus Christ used followers’ money to purchase a lavish fleet of private donkeys. “Obviously, Christ preached much…
Could You Pass The Mental Competency Test For Politicians Over 75?
Presidential candidate Nikki Haley recently suggested that all elected officials over the age of 75 should have to pass a mental competency test in order to hold office. Could you pass it?
Climate Scientists Announce Earth Doing Pretty Good Today So You Can Take Afternoon Off And Have Fun
NEW YORK—Noting that there would be no reason to be concerned for the future of the planet again until tomorrow morning at the earliest, climate scientists at Columbia University announced Thursday that Earth was doing pretty good today, so everyone could take the afternoon off and have fun. “If anything, Earth could…
Arkansas Gov. Huckabee Sanders Signs Law Rolling Back Child Labor Protections
Arkansas Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders (R) signed legislation into law that removes the age verification process for children entering the workforce. What do you think?
Dog Annoyed Vet Weighing Her With Jacket And Boots Still On
PASADENA, CA—Indicating concern that an inaccuracy might be recorded in her medical chart, local dog Potato Morrison expressed annoyance toward her veterinarian Thursday after she was weighed her with both her jacket and boots still on. “Eight pounds? You’ve gotta be kidding me—there’s no way that’s right,” said the…
Bored Census Bureau Employee Changes Every Ohio Resident’s Name to Laura
SUITLAND, MD—Saying that at this point she just wondered how long it would take everyone to notice, U.S. Census Bureau employee Rita Edmond confided to reporters Thursday that, out of sheer boredom, she had changed every Ohio resident’s name to Laura. “Ever since I randomly decided to do it this morning, all 11.78…
Ron DeSantis Oversees Program Offering Florida Students Free Force-Fed Meals
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Touting the nutrition plan as a way to keep children alert and engaged during the school day, Gov. Ron DeSantis announced Thursday that he would be overseeing a new program offering Florida students free force-fed meals. “Every child has the right to be force-fed until they’re physically ill,” said…