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- United Arab Emirates: COP28: Migrant Rights Essential to Climate Action; Governments Should Confront COP28 Host UAE on Abuses
- Palestine: Fighting for peace and cooperation between Palestinian and Israeli workers in times of war
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The Onion
Silicon Valley Investors Tout Man Who Shows Up To Steal One Of Your Bones As New Tech Innovation
SAN FRANCISCO—Saying the breakthrough had tremendous disruptive potential, a group of Silicon Valley investors on Tuesday touted a man who shows up to steal one of your bones as a bold new tech innovation. “We’re backing this tech because we believe it will completely change the way people think about their bones,…
Trump Supporters Explain Why They Doxxed Grand Jurors
After former President Donald Trump was indicted by a Georgia grand jury, his supporters found and published the names and addresses of the jury’s members. The Onion asked Trump supporters why they posted the jurors’ personal information online, and this is why they said.
Annoying Parent Spends Whole Eulogy Yammering On About Kid
SACRAMENTO, CA— Trying not to roll their eyes as the doting mother went on and on about her child, sources confirmed Tuesday that local woman Corinne Lesseder spent the whole eulogy yammering about her kid. “I’m not keeping time, but she’s been talking uninterrupted about nothing but ‘Callen, Callen, Callen’ for…
The Onion's Essential College Shopping Guide
College can provide a rich, rewarding experience for students if they really prioritize materialism and bring cool stuff. Here is The Onion’s essential college shopping guide.
Things To Never Say To Your Freshman-Year Roommate
While acknowledging their existence or uttering a single word isn’t recommended, here is what you should definitely never say to your freshmen-year roommate.
America’s Richest Account For 40% Of U.S. Climate Emissions
A new study has found that the wealthiest 10% of Americans are responsible for almost half of planet-heating pollution in the United States, in part because of the fossil fuels generated by companies they invest in. What do you think?
Ron DeSantis Debate Memo Advises Him To Defend Trump, ‘Hammer’ Ramaswamy
A leaked strategy memo from a Ron DeSantis–supporting super PAC suggested the Florida governor “take a sledgehammer” to presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy and defend former President Donald Trump during this week’s GOP primary debate. What do you think?
Study: Living Happy Life Strongly Correlated To Thinking About Property Values All The Time
AUSTIN, TX—Discovering a clear link between obsessively reflecting on appreciating assets and overall contentment, a study published Monday by the University of Texas found that living a happy life was strongly correlated to thinking about property values all the time. “Our data clearly indicates a direct relationship…
New Twitter Homepage Features Photo Of Erect Penis That Is Impossible To Close Out Of
SAN FRANCISCO—In one of a slew of major changes to hit the social media site, owner Elon Musk confirmed Monday that the homepage for X, formerly known as Twitter, would now feature a photo of an erect penis that was impossible to close out of. “From an intuitive perspective, not having a hard, veiny cock on the…
Biden Visits Maui To Promote New Devastation
LAHAINA, HI—Beaming as he thrust a shovel into the ground of the charred and tangled wreckage, President Joe Biden visited Maui Monday to promote the island’s new multibillion-dollar devastation. “Today, I am honored as your president to break ground on this brand-new, state-of-the-art swath of twisted metal and ash,”…
New Texas Law Requires Schools To Display Image Of God Hung Like A Horse In Every Classroom
New Jersey Court Rules That Catholic Schools Can Fire Teachers For Premarital Sex
The New Jersey Supreme Court ruled in favor of a Catholic school that terminated an unmarried pregnant teacher for having premarital sex, saying religious entities can use religious tenets as exceptions to state employment law. What do you think?
Self-Respecting Man Heats Up Leftovers
GREEN BAY, WI—In an act demonstrating clear confidence and pride in his own worth, self-respecting man Evan Landry reportedly heated up his leftovers from Garcia’s Mexican Restaurant in the microwave on Monday. “I could just dig into this leftover burrito bowl cold, but I’m a grown man and I love myself,” said…
Mom Proud Of Dad For Trying Sweet Potato
SEYMOUR, IN—Expressing astonishment over her husband’s about-face regarding the root vegetable, local mother Connie Keeley reportedly told her children Monday that she was proud of their father, Paul, 56, for trying a sweet potato. “You won’t believe this, but the other day I asked your father if he wanted to try a…
Job Recruiter Combs Through Exciting Pool Of CEO’s Nephews
NEW YORK—Finding that every single one of the resumes had exactly what the company was looking for, job recruiter Karl Bonilla was reportedly combing through an exciting pool of the CEO’s nephews this week. “The CEO has a lot of relatives, so this is going to be a hard choice,” said Bonilla, adding that each candidate…
U.S. Sad Sack General Announces He’ll Be In His Room, Not That Anyone Cares
WASHINGTON—Looking down at his feet while addressing the nation, the U.S. Sad Sack General made a rare public appearance Monday to announce that he’ll be in his room, not that anyone cares. “Yeah, so, that’s where I’ll be—not that anyone ever tries to find me,” said Joe Davis, the sighing government official in charge…
Most Popular College Major By State
Americans across the country primarily rely on higher education to learn that they are dumb and broke. The Onion examines the most popular college major in every state.
Quiz: Are You Ready For College?
The transition to college life can be tough on even the most prepared among us. Here’s a quiz to test whether you’re ready to head off to higher ed!