The Onion

San Francisco Skyscraper Tilting 3 Inches Per Year

The Onion - Tue, 2022-01-11 09:00

Engineers are rushing to stabilize San Francisco’s Millennium Tower, a 58-story, 645-foot tall luxury residential skyscraper that has been sinking into the ground by three inches per year, and is now leaning over two feet off of center. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Journalist Worried He’s Becoming The Story In His Sponsored Air Purifier Review

The Onion - Tue, 2022-01-11 09:00

NEW YORK—Struggling to remain detached from his subject matter, local journalist James Malvern was reportedly worried Tuesday that he was becoming the story in his sponsored air purifier review. “While I set out to write a simple recommendation of the Air Fine 2700 to our readers, I couldn’t help but start…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Man Horrified After Genealogy Test Confirms He Has No Past

The Onion - Tue, 2022-01-11 09:00

MIDWEST CITY, OK—Expressing shock after the laboratory report listed his origin as simply “N/A,” local resident Greg Hurt confirmed he was completely horrified Tuesday after a genealogy test confirmed he did not have a past. “No…it can’t…it can’t be—I come from nowhere?” Hurt said as he scanned his results from the…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Report: Majority Of Men In Hard Hat, Coveralls Actually Members Of Heist Team In Disguise

The Onion - Mon, 2022-01-10 16:00

PRINCETON, NJ—Upending the common perception that such workers are just going about a normal day on the job, a report published Monday by researchers at Princeton University found that the majority of men wearing a hard hat and coveralls are actually members of a heist team in disguise. “Nearly seven in 10…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Covid Vaccinations Quadruple In Quebec Ahead Of Liquor, Cannabis Store Restrictions

The Onion - Mon, 2022-01-10 15:32

Quebec officials have reported the number of first-dose appointments for Covid-19 vaccines have quadrupled after announcing that vaccination passports will be required to enter liquor and cannabis stores. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Questions To Ask Yourself Before Starting A New Fad Diet

The Onion - Mon, 2022-01-10 14:55

Embarking on the road to weight loss can be a tough endeavor. With the number of diets increasing daily, it’s important to discover which is the right one for you before spending valuable time, energy, and money. Here are the most important questions to ask before starting a new fad diet.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Chess App Allows Man To Waste Time On Phone But In Smart Way

The Onion - Mon, 2022-01-10 13:00

BOSTON—Describing how the phone game had succeeded where others had failed, local man Peter Bolton told reporters Friday that the app Chess Ace allowed him to waste time on his phone but in a smart way. “It’s great, because instead of opening up some dumb app like Clash Of Clans, I now have a higher-brow option when…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Man Tries To Regain Sense Of Control In Chaotic Universe By Learning To Juggle

The Onion - Mon, 2022-01-10 12:40

BUFFALO, NY—Hoping to hold onto some semblance of purpose in an unfeeling void, local man Craig Ulrich reportedly tried to regain his sense of control in a chaotic universe Monday by learning to juggle. According to sources, in a desperate attempt to combat the inherent entropy and confusion that governs the cosmos,…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Walgreens Pharmacist Far Too Chipper Not To Be Selling Painkillers On The Side

The Onion - Mon, 2022-01-10 12:30

GREEN BAY, WI—Noticing the unusually cheerful tone in the voice of the employee behind the pickup counter, customer Janelle Ramos told reporters Monday that a pharmacist at her local Walgreens appeared far too chipper not to be selling painkillers on the side. “He seems genuinely happy to be here, so you just have to…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Scientists Name Endangered Tree After Leonardo DiCaprio

The Onion - Fri, 2022-01-07 15:51

Scientists in London have honored Leonardo DiCaprio by naming an endangered tree after him, stating that the actor “was crucial in helping to stop the logging” of the Cameroon rainforest where it grows. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Pope Chides ‘Selfish’ Couples Who Choose Pets Over Children

The Onion - Fri, 2022-01-07 14:48

Stating that it “takes away our humanity,” Pope Francis made comments criticizing the selfishness of couples who choose to have dogs and cats instead of children. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Worst Traffic Jams Of All Time

The Onion - Fri, 2022-01-07 11:42

Hundreds of drivers in Virginia were stuck for almost 24 hours earlier this week after a multi-truck crash was exacerbated by a blizzard. The Onion looks back at the worst traffic jams of all time.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Man Gives Himself Little Treat For Getting Through Day

The Onion - Fri, 2022-01-07 09:00

TRENTON, NJ—Saying it would be a nice way to unwind after a grueling eight hours at work, local man Patrick McCormick reportedly gave himself a little treat Wednesday for getting through the day. “Man, it’s really great to take the edge off with a nice little treat after a total slog like today,” said McCormick,…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Congress Preparing For Another January 6 By Enrolling In Group Karate Class

The Onion - Thu, 2022-01-06 17:56

WASHINGTON—Nervously fiddling with their new white belts as they waited for their instructor in the training hall, U.S. Congress members reportedly prepared for another Jan. 6 on Thursday by participating in a group class at the D.C.-area True Method Karate Studio. “We simply cannot allow what happened last year to…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

CES Presenter Strangled By Tree Root As Nature Begins Revolt Against Technological Domination

The Onion - Thu, 2022-01-06 16:55

WINCHESTER, NV—In a turn of events that sent attendees and tech reporters fleeing in terror, sources confirmed Consumer Electronics Show presenter Adam Pawlak was strangled to death by a tree root Friday as nature revolted against 10,000 years of human technological domination. Witnesses confirmed that Pawlak had …

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

2022 Grammy Awards Postponed

The Onion - Thu, 2022-01-06 16:20

Grammy organizers have announced that the award show, originally slated for Jan. 31, will be rescheduled for an undetermined later date, citing “the uncertainty surrounding the Omicron variant.” What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion
Syndicate content