The Onion

Love On A Budget

The Onion - Thu, 2018-07-12 10:54

Girl, you know I would do whatever it takes to make all your fantasies come true. I would cross a continent. I would cross an ocean. I would even tunnel to the center of the Earth just so I could find that one perfect gemstone, lobster, or ball of lava that would turn an ordinary night into an evening of ultimate…

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Tearful Trump Admits NATO Alliance Closest Thing To Friendship He’s Ever Had

The Onion - Wed, 2018-07-11 17:41

BRUSSELS—Suddenly overcome by a swell of emotion while rebuking the other members for their unwillingness to share the burden of mutual security obligations, a tearful President Trump admitted Wednesday to his fellow world leaders that the NATO alliance is the closest thing to friendship he’s ever had. “I’m sorry to…

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Trump Demands NATO Allies Match U.S. Commitment To Prioritizing Military Spending Over Healthcare

The Onion - Wed, 2018-07-11 17:11

BRUSSELS—Blasting member states for failing to contribute their “fair share,” President Trump demanded at a summit meeting Wednesday that NATO allies match the U.S. commitment to making military spending a far greater national priority than healthcare. “In the United States, we’ve gone above and beyond to make sure…

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Skin And Bare It

The Onion - Wed, 2018-07-11 16:08
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Good Scissors Not In The Fucking Drawer

The Onion - Wed, 2018-07-11 13:50

LAKE BLUFF, IL—Arguing that there was no conceivable reason they should be anywhere else, local woman Nora Jay confirmed Wednesday that the good scissors weren’t in the fucking drawer where they belonged. “God damn it, where the hell are they? I don’t know how I’m supposed to finish wrapping this birthday present…

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Pet Gerbil Has Been Absolutely Crushing It Lately

The Onion - Wed, 2018-07-11 13:31

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Acknowledging the rodent’s hot streak over the past few weeks, local man Jackson Ramos confirmed Wednesday that his pet gerbil named Butter has been absolutely crushing it lately. “Rolling around in the clear ball, nibbling pellets, running on his wheel—God, the guy’s just been knocking it out of the…

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Study Shows Link Between Feelings Of Guilt, Bleeding Man Holding Onto Car Hood Screaming At You To Stop

The Onion - Wed, 2018-07-11 13:16

HOUSTON—Concluding the emotional response occurs shortly after the initial crack and thud, a study published Wednesday in The American Journal Of Psychology has discovered a link between feelings of guilt and the bleeding man desperately clinging to your car’s hood, screaming at you to stop the vehicle.

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Eviction Notice All Business

The Onion - Wed, 2018-07-11 10:55

NEW YORK—Shocked that the personal correspondence would take such a cold and impersonal tone, delinquent tenant Ross Grimley, 28, found the eviction notice posted on the door of his apartment to be disturbingly all business. “I thought they would at least give me a ‘good morning’ before getting down to brass tacks,…

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Serena Williams Stripped Of Titles After It Revealed She’s Been Playing With A Racket In Each Hand This Whole Time

The Onion - Tue, 2018-07-10 15:37

LONDON—The International Tennis Federation stripped Serena Williams of all titles, trophies, and other acclaimed achievements Tuesday after a painstaking review of her career revealed she has been playing with a tennis racket in each hand since making her professional debut. “Upon analysis of thousands of photos and…

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Man Knows He Can Always Fall Back On Really Terrible Job That Pays Shit

The Onion - Tue, 2018-07-10 14:31

NORFOLK, NE—Though currently seeking happier and more generous employment, digital marketing analyst Brandon Owens noted Tuesday that, if necessary, he can always fall back on his current job, a litany of misery that pays absolute dogshit. “I’m really lucky to have the opportunity to make calls and put out feelers at…

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Woodpecker Having Difficulty Remembering Tree Where He Got The Really Good Bugs That One Time

The Onion - Tue, 2018-07-10 13:09

SUCHES, GA—Expressing frustration that he hadn’t made a mental note when he first encountered such a stellar food source, a woodpecker was reportedly having difficulty Tuesday remembering the tree where he got all those really good bugs that one time. “I know it’s somewhere in this stretch of forest, but I can’t for…

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