The Onion

Myrtle Beach Resident Refuses To Evacuate From Family’s Ancestral Ron Jon Surf Shop

The Onion - Mon, 2018-09-10 17:51

MYRTLE BEACH, SC—Standing firm in his commitment to the historic property amid mounting apprehension over the approach of Category 4 Hurricane Florence, Myrtle Beach resident Dennis Brock told reporters Monday he refused to evacuate from his family’s ancestral Ron Jon Surf Shop. “I don’t care what the government tries…

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Study: 83% Of Marathon Spectators Only Attend For Sick Thrill Of Watching Fellow Man Suffer

The Onion - Mon, 2018-09-10 15:12

CHICAGO—In a new study released Monday by Northwestern University, researchers found that 83 percent of marathon spectators only attend to relish the sick thrill of watching their fellow man suffer. “Analysis revealed that the guilty pleasure of watching a group of exhausted, miserable human beings painfully push…

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Study Finds 44% Of Young People Deleted Facebook App From Phone In Last Year

The Onion - Mon, 2018-09-10 14:59

Almost half of young adults between the ages of 18 and 29 deleted the Facebook app from their phone in the past year, suggesting the social media giant continues to lose its grip on that demographic. What do you think?

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Defiant Dallas Police Officer Claims Anyone Could Have Mistaken Black Man’s Apartment For Gun

The Onion - Mon, 2018-09-10 13:31

DALLAS—Insisting that every law enforcement official in America would have done the exact same thing if put in her situation, Dallas officer Amber Guyger claimed Monday that anyone could have mistaken a black man’s apartment for a dangerous firearm. “Listen, when your instincts kick in and your adrenaline is pumping,…

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Obama Urges Young Voters To Ignore How Many Lousy Candidates Democratic Party Runs

The Onion - Mon, 2018-09-10 13:10

ANAHEIM, CA—In a fiery speech delivered to students at the Anaheim Convention Center over the weekend, former President Barack Obama reportedly urged young voters to get out there and ignore how many lousy candidates the Democratic Party runs. “We’re experiencing a crisis in our democracy that can only be stopped by…

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Class Is Dismissed

The Onion - Mon, 2018-09-10 11:25
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Whoa, Classmate Got Totally Hideous Over Summer Vacation

The Onion - Mon, 2018-09-10 10:11

SANTA MARIA, CA—Completely floored by his new appearance, sources at Pioneer Valley High School confirmed Monday that, whoa, their classmate Jeremy Lucas got totally hideous over the summer vacation. “Holy shit, Jeremy got super vile over the summer,” said Kimberly Stockton, 16, adding that she never really noticed…

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The Grouchiest Album Imaginable: An Oral History Of The Red Hot Chili Peppers’ ‘Californication’

The Onion - Mon, 2018-09-10 10:10

In 1998, the Red Hot Chili Peppers were in a state of crisis. Their 1991 multi-platinum album Blood Sugar Sex Magik had transformed them into global superstars, but since then they had parted ways with guitarist John Frusciante and turned out the critically and commercially disappointing follow-up One Hot Minute with

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India Decriminalizes Homosexuality

The Onion - Mon, 2018-09-10 10:07

India’s highest court ruled that a 160-year-old law banning sex “against the order of nature” amounted to discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, effectively decriminalizing homosexuality. What do you think?

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God Furious At Every Human Who Isn’t Actively Trying To Get As Fat As Possible Off Bounty He Provided

The Onion - Mon, 2018-09-10 10:00

HEAVEN—Condemning the heretical rejection of His divine will by a blasphemously underweight mankind, God declared Himself furious toward every person not actively striving to become as fat as possible off the divine bounty He has provided for His people upon the Earth. “This is the land of milk and honey, and also of…

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Fan Going To See How First Few Games Go Before Declaring Moral Objection To Watching NFL

The Onion - Sun, 2018-09-09 10:00

LAKE WORTH, FL—Preparing to denounce football as a dangerous sport that takes advantage of athletes as soon as he could determine his favorite team had no hope of making the playoffs, local Dolphins fan Brad Abbott announced Sunday that he was going to check out the first couple games of the season before declaring a…

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Biden To Decide On 2020 Run By January

The Onion - Sat, 2018-09-08 09:00

Former Vice President Joe Biden has given himself a deadline of January 2019 to decide on whether to run for president. What do you think?

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Vaping By The Numbers

The Onion - Fri, 2018-09-07 16:50
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‘New York Times’ Publishes Bombshell Anonymous Opinion Article From White House Insider

The Onion - Fri, 2018-09-07 15:32

The New York Times published an opinion piece from an anonymous White House senior official criticizing President Trump and noting many members of his administration are working to “thwart parts of his agenda and his worst inclinations.” What do you think?

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Eiffel Tower Finally Completed

The Onion - Fri, 2018-09-07 14:39

PARIS—Expressing immense pride that the nearly 130-year-long construction project had come to an end, French architects held a press conference Friday to announce that the Eiffel Tower had finally been completed. “After countless delays in construction, we are pleased to announce that the Eiffel Tower’s original…

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New Study Confirms This Didn’t Even Feel Like A 4-Day Work Week

The Onion - Fri, 2018-09-07 13:44

ROCHESTER, NY—In what researchers deemed “a total slog from start to finish,” a new study published Friday by the University of Rochester confirmed that this didn’t even feel like a four-day work week. “Despite initial rest and rejuvenation that came with having Monday off, our research found that everybody got…

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