The Onion

Most Popular Sleep Aids

The Onion - Thu, 2020-05-14 14:22
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Police Still Investigating What Happened Between Officer Discharging Weapon And Suspect’s Head Exploding

The Onion - Thu, 2020-05-14 12:59

NEW YORK—Telling reporters that the department was doing everything it could to search for answers, the NYPD confirmed Thursday that it was still investigating what occurred between an officer discharging his weapon and a suspect’s head exploding. “What we know is that officers on the scene had an interaction with an…

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11 Greatest Sports Moments Made Possible By PEDs

The Onion - Thu, 2020-05-14 12:55

The Miracle On Ice (1980): In arguably the greatest upset in sports history, a group of amateur college hockey players pulled off the “Miracle on Ice” after defeating the mighty Soviet Union 4-3 during the 1980 Winter Olympics in Lake Placid. While undoubtedly playing with incredible heart and determination, Team USA…

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Updated Patriot Act Finally Legalizes 80% Of Current FBI Operations

The Onion - Thu, 2020-05-14 11:13

WASHINGTON—In a 59-37 vote that reauthorized provisions from the 2001 legislation and added several new measures, Congress reportedly passed an updated Patriot Act Wednesday that finally legalized 80% of current FBI operations. “The newly upheld Patriot Act augments current surveillance practices by expanding into…

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Nurse Wearing Snoopy Scrubs, Floral Face Mask To Work Must Think Pandemic Some Kind Of Joke

The Onion - Thu, 2020-05-14 11:04

PORTLAND, ME—Speculating that the health worker simply did not grasp the gravity of the current situation, sources confirmed Thursday that Lauren Witters, a nurse wearing Snoopy-themed scrubs and a floral face mask while working at Maine Medical Center, must think the Covid-19 pandemic is some kind of joke. “We’re in…

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Differences Between The Stock Market And The Economy

The Onion - Thu, 2020-05-14 11:04

As the coronavirus pandemic continues to cause widespread disruptions, many have noticed that the country’s stock market and economic situation, which would ostensibly reflect each other, seem to reflect entirely different situations. The Onion looks at the differences between the stock market and the economy.

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Signs Of Sickness

The Onion - Thu, 2020-05-14 09:00
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New Windex Formula Promises To Kill Twice As Many Birds

The Onion - Thu, 2020-05-14 08:57

The popular glass cleaner has a new formula out, and thanks to the inclusion of bait and bird seed, it may be Windex’s most efficient bird killer to date. Hear just how many long-beaked sons of bitches we were able to take out with the stuff.

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Health Officials Close Restaurant That Opened For Mother’s Day

The Onion - Wed, 2020-05-13 16:24

The health department in Castle Rock, Colorado shut down C&C Coffee and Kitchen this weekend after the owners held a Mother’s Day event in defiance of state coronavirus safety orders, packing their seating area with unmasked customers. What do you think?

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10 Morally Reprehensible Turtles Who Deserved To Get Their Heads Stuck In Plastic Rings

The Onion - Wed, 2020-05-13 14:51

Sad? Don’t be. This turtle isn’t some innocent creature whose majestic life was cut short by an insidious plastic ring. He’s a good-for-nothing son of a bitch who has done some horrible shit beyond your wildest imagination.

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Family Can Trace Ancestry Back To Whatever The Hell Grandma Was Talking About

The Onion - Wed, 2020-05-13 14:48

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Explaining the limited extent of their genealogical knowledge, members of the Dunbar family confirmed Wednesday that they could trace their ancestry back to whatever the hell it was that grandma was always talking about. “We start to lose track of our family origins around the time that Grammy always…

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Prize Hog Doesn’t Know How She Can Retain Competition-Ready Body For Another Year

The Onion - Wed, 2020-05-13 12:46

HEDRICK, IA—After the upcoming county fair and its swine show were postponed indefinitely due to the coronavirus pandemic, sources confirmed Wednesday that prize hog Myrtle doesn’t know how she can retain her competition-ready body for another year. “I’ve been training for months with a very strict feeding and…

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10 Over-The-Top Letters From The Alphabet

The Onion - Wed, 2020-05-13 11:13

Q: Yikes! Just letting it all hang out. Embarrassing.

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Disgusting Bigotry: The Media Is Only Blaming This Bat For Coronavirus Because He’s A Gamer

The Onion - Wed, 2020-05-13 11:05

Politicians and reporters have long used video games as a scapegoat for policy failures and broader societal missteps. Sadly, it looks like that pattern of bigotry towards gamers—long a source of contention in the industry—has even extended to the recent Covid-19 pandemic. Indeed, in an all-too-predictable…

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What To Know About The Killing Of Ahmaud Arbery

The Onion - Wed, 2020-05-13 09:35

The February 23 fatal shooting of Georgia man Ahmaud Arbery and the arrests of two white suspects two months later have drawn national attention for the nature of the crime and public officials’ handling of the case, particularly after video evidence of the killing became public. The Onion looks at what you need to…

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Eric Trump Requests Meeting With Barron To Determine Whether They Are Uncle And Nephew Or Brothers Or What

The Onion - Wed, 2020-05-13 09:33

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to solve a longstanding source of confusion, Eric Trump reportedly requested a formal meeting with Barron Trump Wednesday to determine whether they are uncle and nephew or brothers or what. “Dear sur [sic], so I know we both have the same last name, which is Trump, so does that make you my…

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Episode Of Cooking Show Implying Pastry Chefs Some Sort Of Oppressed Minority

The Onion - Wed, 2020-05-13 09:30

LOS ANGELES—Insinuating that there exists a social ladder upon which people who prepare gourmet desserts for a living occupy the lowest rung, a recent episode of the Bravo series Top Chef strongly implied that pastry chefs were some sort of oppressed minority. “Everyone is underestimating me because I trained as a…

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Pennsylvania Becomes 3rd State To Fully Outlaw Child Marriage

The Onion - Wed, 2020-05-13 09:26

Pennsylvania governor Tom Wolf signed a bill banning anyone under 18 from obtaining a marriage license, ending a previous exception that allowed 16- and 17-year-olds to marry with parental consent and making Pennsylvania one of just three states to fully ban child marriages. What do you think?

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