The Onion

Patriotic Billionaire Only Invests In American-Made Tax Havens

The Onion - Mon, 2021-10-04 16:15

NEW YORK—Shaking his head in response to the release of the Pandora Papers revealing over 100 billionaires were among those shielding their wealth in offshore financial centers, patriotic billionaire Steven Lyle reiterated to reporters Monday that he only invests in American-made tax havens. “These billionaires who…

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Alex Jones Found Liable Over Sandy Hook Hoax Conspiracy

The Onion - Mon, 2021-10-04 13:50

Conspiracy theorist Alex Jones has been found legally responsible in two lawsuits for damages resulting from his claims about the Sandy Hook school shooting in 2012 a hoax organized by anti-gun advocates and carried out by crisis actors. What do you think?

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Critics Demand Terrible TV Show Squander Talents Of More Diverse Cast

The Onion - Mon, 2021-10-04 13:45

COLUMBUS, OH—Noting that the series’ slate of performers was overwhelmingly caucasian, critics of ABC’s The Goldbergs demanded Monday that the show squander the talents of a more diverse cast. “There are really only so many opportunities for minorities out there, so it’s unfortunate that this popular show wouldn’t…

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Bandaged Scientists Wheeled In From Burn Unit To Accept Nobel Prize For Heat And Sensory Research

The Onion - Mon, 2021-10-04 13:04

STOCKHOLM—In recognition of their breakthrough studies revealing how the human nervous system responds to extremely high temperatures, heavily bandaged scientists David Julius and Ardem Patapoutian were reportedly wheeled in from a burn ward Monday to accept a Nobel Prize for their work in heat and sensory research.…

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40-Year-Old Not Active Enough To Realize Body Falling Apart

The Onion - Mon, 2021-10-04 11:20

KEARNEY, NE—Estimating that it could still be years until the aging man’s sedentary lifestyle finally caught up with him, sources confirmed Monday that local 40-year-old Thomas O’Brien was not active enough to realize that his body was falling apart. “If he’d only take the stairs once in a while, he’d notice that his…

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Things You Should Never Do On Your Work Computer

The Onion - Mon, 2021-10-04 10:02

You’re salaried, so you’re getting paid whether you send in that report by close of business or spend the whole day surfing Facebook.

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YouTube Bans Anti-Vaccine Misinformation

The Onion - Mon, 2021-10-04 08:00

YouTube has announced that it will be removing any videos spreading misinformation about any approved vaccine and banning well-known misinformation spreaders like the Children’s Health Defense Fund, a group affiliated with anti-vaccine activist Robert F. Kennedy Jr. What do you think?

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Texas State Troopers Arrest Dak Prescott For Terminating Conceived Playcall With Audible

The Onion - Sun, 2021-10-03 16:30

DALLAS—Alleging that the Dallas Cowboys quarterback deliberately flouted Texas abortion laws, state troopers arrested Dak Prescott on the field Sunday for terminating a conceived play call with an audible. “Mr. Prescott showed a flagrant disregard for a play conceived in God’s image,” said county sheriff Marian Brown,…

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