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The Onion
Court Delays Inmate’s Execution To Brainstorm Even Grislier Method
COLUMBIA, SC—Issuing an emergency stay on the implementation of the prisoner’s sentence, the Supreme Court of South Carolina reportedly delayed a death-row inmate’s execution Tuesday to brainstorm an even grislier method. “The court has postponed the execution of this prisoner due to concerns that lethal injection is…
Man Opening Mailbox Again Knows He Still Won’t Find Anything To Eat In There
AUSTIN, TX—Mindlessly checking for the third time in the past couple hours, area man Darrell Hawkins reported Tuesday that he had just opened his mailbox again despite already knowing there was nothing to eat in there. “I didn’t find anything good to snack on 30 minutes ago, so I don’t know why I’d think it would be…
Highway Safety Ad Urges Drunk Drivers Not To Text
DALLAS—Advising blackout alcoholics to focus on the road, a new highway safety ad released Tuesday reportedly urged drunk drivers not to text. “It’s imperative that drivers not text when they’re swerving drunk down the wrong side of the highway,” said the ad spokesperson Kyle Drummel, explaining that putting the phone…
Parents Support Son’s Dream Of Becoming NASCAR Driver By Putting Up 2.5-Mile Motor Speedway In Backyard
POQUOSON, VA—Bringing their 9-year-old outside to see his birthday present, local parents Mark and Angelina Bryant reportedly supported their son’s dream of becoming a NASCAR driver this week by putting up a 2.5-mile motor speedway in their backyard. “Jared really wants to be a NASCAR driver when he grows up, so we…
Americans Bring ‘Souvenir’ Artillery Shell To Israel Airport
An American family caused panic at an Israeli airport when they tried to bring an unexploded artillery shell they had found in the Golan Heights back to the states as a souvenir. What do you think?
Pelosi Makes Unannounced Trip To Kyiv To Meet With Zelensky
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi made an unannounced trip to Kyiv over the weekend to meet with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky to voice American solidarity with the besieged nation, making her the highest-ranking leader to visit since the invasion began. What do you think?
Wi-Fi Password On Post-It Note Read Aloud Like Incantation From Ancient Spell Book
BLOOMINGTON, IN—Ceremoniously unsticking the hallowed Post-it note from the side of her refrigerator, local woman Dana McNamara reportedly read the password to her Wi-Fi network aloud Monday as if it were an incantation from an ancient spell book. According to the houseguests who sought access to the holy text, the…
Quiz: Is It Trash Or Recycling?
Just because a product says it’s recyclable doesn’t mean it is. Click through The Onion’s quiz to see if you can guess whether each of the following products belong in the trash or recycling.
Couple Unable To Watch Single Episode Of ‘Daniel Tiger’ Since Son Died
MESA, AZ—Explaining that they could no longer bear to view the program they once enjoyed, local couple Craig and Rebecca Hollinger confirmed Monday that they were unable to watch a single episode of Daniel Tiger ever since their son died. “I know that our history of watching Daniel Tiger is separate from our time…
Study Shows Even Small Amounts Of Exercise Can Fight Depression
A new study has found that exercising just half the CDC recommended amount can substantially fight depression, with adults who did activities equivalent to only 1.25 hours of brisk walking per week having an 18% lower risk of depression compared to inactive adults. What do you think?
Paintball Course Triggers Combat Veteran’s Flashback To Afghanistan Paintball Course
ST. CHARLES, IL—Screaming while reminded of the dark, traumatic days spent shooting dye-filled bullets at fellow soldiers abroad, combat veteran Jeremy Gordon confirmed Monday that the paintball course triggered violent flashbacks to an Afghanistan paintball course. “Oh, God, every time I step out onto the paintball…
Washington Commanders Let Make-A-Wish Kid Announce Pick, Become New Team President, Take Fall For Financial Irregularities
LAS VEGAS—Saying that they wanted to help fulfill the dreams of an 8-year-old boy stricken with terminal cancer, the Washington Commanders revealed Friday that they would let a Make-A-Wish Foundation announce a team draft pick, become the new team president, and take the fall for the team’s financial irregularities.…
Poll Finds 58% Of U.S. Voters Would Back Independent Candidate Over Biden, Trump
A newly released poll found that 58% of registered voters surveyed would consider backing a moderate independent or third-party candidate over President Biden and former President Trump in the next election, while the majority also said they do not want either to run in 2024. What do you think?
R.L. Stine Testifies Before Congress To Get Kid-Eating Teachers Out Of Schools
Biden Tries To Boost Approval Ratings By Showing A Little Ankle
WASHINGTON—In a new strategy developed by top White House advisors and Democratic consultants, President Joe Biden reportedly tried to boost his approval ratings Friday by showing a little ankle. “Oops—well, will you look at that,” said Biden in an address to the American people, lifting the hem of his pants leg to…
Timeline Of Famous Prisoner Exchanges
The U.S. recently negotiated the release of former Marine Trevor Reed in a prisoner exchange with Russia, continuing a delicate and often controversial practice employed by nations during wartime. The Onion looks back at some of the most famous prisoner exchanges throughout history.