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Man Has To Admit Air Fryer That Burned Down House Did Pretty Good Job On Tater Tots
TACOMA, WA—Claiming the defective unit was a game changer, local man Ralph Keizer had to admit Friday that the air fryer that burned down his house did a good job on tater tots. “Aside from bursting into flames and turning my home into an inferno, I gotta say, this air fryer did an absolutely amazing job on these…
Survey Finds Americans Have $21 Billion In Unspent Gift Cards
A new survey found that 47% of Americans have one unused gift card, voucher, or store credit, totaling $21 billion nationwide, with the average person having $175 in such unused funds. What do you think?
War-Weary Americans Not Sure How Much Longer They Can Occasionally Glance At Headlines About Ukraine
WASHINGTON—Worn down and weakened by the one-year anniversary of the war’s media coverage, a weary U.S. populace confirmed Friday they were not sure how much longer they could occasionally glance at headlines about Ukraine. “Scrolling by all those pictures of crying children and bombed cities—I just don’t know if I…
Panicked ‘Cocaine Bear’ Producers Scrambling To Expand 4 Minutes Of Social Media Clips Into Actual Movie
HOLLYWOOD—Rushing to gather as much footage as they could piece together from what was already available on the internet, panicked producers of the film Cocaine Bear were scrambling Friday to expand four minutes of social media clips into an actual movie. “Shit, we didn’t think anyone was actually going to expect an…
Russia Suspends Only Remaining Major Nuclear Treaty With U.S.
Russian president Vladimir Putin has announced that he will be suspending the New START nuclear arms reduction treaty with the United States when it expires in 2026, imperiling the last remaining pact that regulates the world’s two largest nuclear arsenals. What do you think?
Nation Installs 2,000 Mile Long Privacy Curtain After Mexico Sees It Naked
U.S.-MEXICO BORDER—Emphasizing that the event had left citizens feeling embarrassed and exposed, U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas announced Friday that the nation had installed a 2,000-mile-long privacy curtain after Mexico saw it naked. “Starting today, the entire U.S.-Mexico border will be…
Things No One Tells You About Being A Sperm Donor
Studies show that 100% of men are sperm donors, yet many donors aren’t familiar with all the intricacies of the process. Here are things that no one tells you about being a sperm donor.
Rich Friend Invents Entirely New Dialect Of English To Avoid Saying ‘Inheritance’
Man Kicks Himself After Thinking Of Perfect Gun He Could Have Used To Win Argument
AUGUSTA, GA—Lamenting how painfully obvious it was in retrospect, local man Aaron Thompson told reporters Friday he was kicking himself after thinking of the perfect gun he could have used to win an argument. “God, I feel so dumb, I just stood there like an idiot when the perfect semiautomatic weapon was staring me in…
Bill Gates Ponders What He Could Have Accomplished If He Didn’t Waste Time Becoming Billionaire
MEDINA, WA—Calling everything he had done in his life and career up to this point in time “absolutely worthless,” Bill Gates told reporters Friday that he wondered what he could have accomplished if he didn’t waste time becoming a billionaire. “It’s sad to think about, but I ultimately could have done some truly…
FDA Rules Any White Liquid Can Be Called Milk
WASHINGTON—Announcing that the overly restrictive rules would be rolled back once and for all, the Food and Drug Administration announced Thursday that any white liquid could now be called “milk.” “Starting today, any opaque liquid that is pale in color can legally be labeled ‘milk,’ regardless of its origin, taste,…
‘I Hope Joe Burrow Takes A Team-Friendly Deal,’ Says Fan Who Will Be Laid Off Without Severance
WOOSTER, OH—With the Cincinnati Bengals quarterback’s future uncertain going into the final year of his contract, one local fan reportedly made his position clear Thursday: “I hope Joe Burrow takes a team-friendly deal,” said sales rep Matt Derby, who will soon be laid off without severance. “The Bengals front office…
Pete Buttigieg Under Fire For Using Federal Funds For Gilded Handcar
WASHINGTON—With watchdog groups decrying yet another instance of corruption by high-placed government officials, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg was reportedly under fire Thursday for using federal funds for rides on a gilded handcar. “Government documents show that in the year 2022 alone, Secretary…
‘I’ve Finally Accepted That I’m Perfectly Imperfect’: George Santos On Learning To Love Himself, Flaws And All
2,000-Year-Old Roman Sex Toy Found In England
Experts say that a nearly 2,000-year-old wooden, penis-shaped object that was recently discovered in England could have served as a sexual tool by ancient Romans in Britain. What do you think?