The Onion

Driver Enraged At Rider Who Threw Up In Ambulance

The Onion - Wed, 2020-02-26 12:28

BOSTON—Rolling down his window to circulate fresh air through the interior of the emergency vehicle, ambulance driver John Hendricks became visibly enraged Wednesday when a patient he was transporting vomited without warning. “You have to be kidding me, dude, you can’t do that in here,” said Hendricks, sliding the…

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Neurosurgeon Feels Lucky He Was Able To Turn Hobby Into Career

The Onion - Wed, 2020-02-26 12:20

ROCHESTER, MN—Speaking with reporters about how lucky he feels to be pursuing his life’s passion full-time, local neurosurgeon Chris Monson said Wednesday he will always be grateful he found a way to turn his favorite hobby into a career. 

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‘I’m Free, I’m Finally Free!’ Thinks Parent Before Realizing Lost Child Just Hiding Inside Clothes Rack

The Onion - Wed, 2020-02-26 12:07

KENOSHA, WI—Exulting with joy as she kicked over an empty stroller, mother Michelle Groves, 34, was observed saying “I’m free, I’m finally free” to herself and several onlookers in Target Wednesday, moments before realizing her child was simply hiding inside a nearby clothing rack. “At last I’ve cast off my burden!…

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Moderators Kick Off Debate By Asking Whether Bloomberg Ready To Get Shit Rocked Again

The Onion - Tue, 2020-02-25 21:25

CHARLESTON, SC—As the televised event featuring the leading contenders for the Democratic Party presidential nomination got underway Tuesday evening, CBS moderators kicked off the debate by asking whether Michael Bloomberg was ready to get his shit rocked again. “Our first question is for Mayor Bloomberg: How will you…

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Klobuchar Hoping To Distinguish Herself During Debate As Only Candidate Not Sucker Punched In Gut Moments Before Stepping On Stage

The Onion - Tue, 2020-02-25 21:00

CHARLESTON, SC—Stressing that the contrast between herself and her rivals could not be starker, presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar told viewers at Tuesday night’s Democratic debate that she remained the only candidate who had not been sucker punched in the gut moments before stepping on stage. “Tonight, I’m asking…

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Netflix Adds ‘Top 10’ List Featuring Most Popular Shows

The Onion - Tue, 2020-02-25 18:20

Netflix is introducing a new feature to its homepage this week listing the top 10 most-viewed shows and movies within the user’s country, which the company says will provide subscribers with information on what other people are actually watching. What do you think?

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Elena Kagan Worried She’s A Fraud After Being Only Female Justice Not Called Out By Trump

The Onion - Tue, 2020-02-25 18:15

WASHINGTON—Expressing doubt over whether she deserved of all her accolades, Supreme Court Associate Justice Elena Kagan was reportedly worried Tuesday that she was a fraud after being the only female justice not called out by President Donald Trump for being biased against him. “Has my career meant nothing? I feel so…

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Yosemite On Lockdown After Bear Spotted In Park

The Onion - Tue, 2020-02-25 17:11

The National Park Service announced that Yosemite National Park will be closed indefinitely after startled witnesses reportedly spotted a bear on the grounds. A really big bear, too.

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Idiotic Squirrel With Acorn Runs Away From Man As If He Doesn’t Get To Eat All The Nuts He Wants

The Onion - Tue, 2020-02-25 16:32

EUCLID, OH—After digging up its meal from a patch of ground in Memorial Park on Tuesday, an idiotic squirrel with an acorn in its mouth reportedly ran away and tried to hide from local 48-year-old Edward Trotter, as if the man weren’t already able to eat as many nuts as he wants to. “Look, buddy, I’m not going to take…

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Harvey Weinstein Found Guilty

The Onion - Tue, 2020-02-25 16:01

Disgraced film producer Harvey Weinstein, whose behavior ignited the #MeToo movement in 2017 after over 100 women came forward to accuse him of rape, sexual assault, and harassment, was found guilty of two felony sex crimes in New York, though his lawyers say they plan to appeal the decision. What do you think?

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Reform ‘Fifty Shades’ Reader Doesn’t Think Christian And Ana Literally Indulged In Bladder Control Fetish, But Derives Meaning From Story Nonetheless

The Onion - Tue, 2020-02-25 13:37

GASTONIA, NC—Saying the erotic romance novel had always been open to individual interpretation, reform Fifty Shades Of Grey reader Pamela Boyd divulged Tuesday that she does not think Christian and Ana literally indulged in bladder control fetish play, but that she derives meaning from the story nonetheless. “Just…

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Magical Mystery Detour

The Onion - Tue, 2020-02-25 10:30
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Nation’s Men Stunned To Realize Sexual Harassment Problem May Go As Far Back As 1990

The Onion - Tue, 2020-02-25 10:00

LOS ANGELES—Struggling to comprehend how such an obvious breach of interpersonal trust could be allowed to continue, men across the country were stunned Tuesday upon learning that the problem of sexual harassment may have been endemic in all aspects of society as far back as 1990. “I had not heard of it until…

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