The Onion

2022 Midterms: Primary Elections To Watch

The Onion - Wed, 2022-05-04 11:14

The road to the 2022 midterms kicks off with May primaries in 13 states and includes some hotly contested races with ramifications for the November general elections. The Onion looks at key primaries to watch.

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Foil Blanket Draped Over Panting Coworker Who Just Took Stairs

The Onion - Wed, 2022-05-04 11:00

CHICAGO—Rushing to assist the fatigued, out-of-breath man as he triumphantly threw his arms up and fell to the ground, multiple onlookers draped a foil blanket over their coworker Wednesday after he successfully took the stairs. “Hey, man, you did it, you actually did it, you made it all the way up the stairs, and you…

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Worst Things To Say To Someone With Road Rage

The Onion - Wed, 2022-05-04 09:03

Driving school should really teach you how to use a gun. Here are the worst things you can say to someone with road rage.

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Poor Kid Really Good At Grocery Part Of ‘The Price Is Right’

The Onion - Wed, 2022-05-04 08:00

MASON, OH—Noting that his friend could rattle off the cost of items with near robotic accuracy, local 10-year-old Jamison Fritz told reporters Tuesday that his poor friend Daniel was really good at the grocery part of The Price Is Right. “Whenever they put things like snacks, food, or toiletries on TV, Daniel always…

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Report: Some Tick Bites Causing Lifelong Red Meat Allergies

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-03 16:40

Experts are reporting that the aggressive lone star tick species, which can cause alpha-gal syndrome, an acquired lifelong allergy to red meat and other animal products, is spreading in the US from its native Southeast into the northern states. What do you think?

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‘Guess That Makes Him Or Her Some Kind Of American Hero, Huh?’ Says Supreme Court Leaker Discussing News With Coworkers

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-03 16:09

WASHINGTON—Carefully watching their faces to gauge reactions, the Supreme Court employee responsible for the leaked draft opinion reportedly said, “Guess that makes him or her some kind of American hero, huh?” while discussing the news with coworkers Tuesday. “Wow, to take a stand like that, that requires some major…

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Justice Alito Somberly Ties Noose After Realizing He Not Mentioned In Constitution

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-03 16:08

WASHINGTON—Building upon the arguments in his draft of the majority opinion likely to overturn Roe v. Wade, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito was said to have somberly tied a noose Tuesday after realizing he himself was not mentioned in the U.S. Constitution. “Absolutely nowhere in this nation’s foundational…

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Nation Forced To Seek Human Rights From Back-Alley Supreme Court

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-03 16:06

WASHINGTON—In the wake of a leaked draft of a decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, potentially leading to abortion becoming illegal in many states, the nation was reportedly forced Tuesday to seek human rights from a back-alley Supreme Court. “Yeah, it’s not as safe and pretty dirty, but if you desperately need rights,…

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Abbey In UK Seeking To Break World Record For Largest Vampire Gathering

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-03 13:54

Whitby Abbey, a 7th-Century English monastery, will attempt to break the world record for the largest gathering of people dressed as vampires to celebrate the 125th anniversary of Bram Stoker’s novel, “Dracula,” which was partly inspired by the abbey ruins. What do you think?

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What To Say To Someone Considering Abortion

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-03 11:38

Can’t go wrong with a simple, heartfelt declaration of support.

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All Tuckered Out

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-03 11:14
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Court Delays Inmate’s Execution To Brainstorm Even Grislier Method

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-03 08:00

COLUMBIA, SC—Issuing an emergency stay on the implementation of the prisoner’s sentence, the Supreme Court of South Carolina reportedly delayed a death-row inmate’s execution Tuesday to brainstorm an even grislier method. “The court has postponed the execution of this prisoner due to concerns that lethal injection is…

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Man Opening Mailbox Again Knows He Still Won’t Find Anything To Eat In There

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-03 08:00

AUSTIN, TX—Mindlessly checking for the third time in the past couple hours, area man Darrell Hawkins reported Tuesday that he had just opened his mailbox again despite already knowing there was nothing to eat in there. “I didn’t find anything good to snack on 30 minutes ago, so I don’t know why I’d think it would be…

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Highway Safety Ad Urges Drunk Drivers Not To Text

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-03 08:00

DALLAS—Advising blackout alcoholics to focus on the road, a new highway safety ad released Tuesday reportedly urged drunk drivers not to text. “It’s imperative that drivers not text when they’re swerving drunk down the wrong side of the highway,” said the ad spokesperson Kyle Drummel, explaining that putting the phone…

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Parents Support Son’s Dream Of Becoming NASCAR Driver By Putting Up 2.5-Mile Motor Speedway In Backyard

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-03 08:00

POQUOSON, VA—Bringing their 9-year-old outside to see his birthday present, local parents Mark and Angelina Bryant reportedly supported their son’s dream of becoming a NASCAR driver this week by putting up a 2.5-mile motor speedway in their backyard. “Jared really wants to be a NASCAR driver when he grows up, so we…

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Americans Bring ‘Souvenir’ Artillery Shell To Israel Airport

The Onion - Tue, 2022-05-03 08:00

An American family caused panic at an Israeli airport when they tried to bring an unexploded artillery shell they had found in the Golan Heights back to the states as a souvenir. What do you think?

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