The Onion

Viewers Annoyed Episode Of ‘The Bachelorette’ Interrupted Just To Announce Person Who Will Set Back Social Progress 40 Years

The Onion - Mon, 2018-07-09 21:01

YONKERS, NY—Expressing frustration that the popular reality TV series was being preempted to deliver such a humdrum message, viewers of ABC’s The Bachelorette were reportedly annoyed Monday after the episode was interrupted just to announce the person who will set back social progress 40 years. “It’s so obnoxious to…

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Experts Warn Transitioning Too Quickly From Work To Vacation Could Cause Decompression Sickness

The Onion - Mon, 2018-07-09 13:50

BETHESDA, MD—Explaining that a sudden decrease in pressure could have long-term negative effects on the human body, experts at the National Institutes of Health warned Monday that transitioning too quickly from work to vacation could cause decompression sickness. “After spending a lengthy amount of time in a…

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Wimbledon Grounds Crew Frustrated After Learning About Cement Courts

The Onion - Mon, 2018-07-09 13:29

LONDON—Regretting all the time and energy they wasted caring for the grass lawn, the grounds crew at the All England Club in Wimbledon was reportedly frustrated Monday after learning about the existence of cement tennis courts. “This is painstaking work in the hot sun, trimming and watering every single day. Why…

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Eco-Conscious Hotel Lets Guests Decide Whether They Want Room’s Towels Washed Before Next Guests Arrive

The Onion - Mon, 2018-07-09 13:10

HEALDSBURG, CA—In a continuing effort to minimize the environmental impact of each patron’s stay, eco-conscious hospitality chain h2hotel announced plans Monday to allow those staying in their accommodations to decide whether they want towels, bath mats, and washcloths laundered for the next guests. “Tourism often…

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Picky Refugee Just Expects To Be Reunited With Exact Same Family As Before

The Onion - Mon, 2018-07-09 12:29

MCALLEN, TX—Expressing frustration with the migrant child’s sense of entitlement, ICE authorities confirmed Monday that picky Honduran refugee Blanca Diaz just expected to be reunited with the exact same family she had before. “We’re already letting you go, and now you think you deserve special treatment and will just…

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American Cancer Society: Colon Cancer Screenings Should Start At 45

The Onion - Tue, 2018-07-03 10:00

The American Cancer Society’s newly updated recommendations for colon and rectal cancer screening suggest that Americans get screened starting at age 45 instead of 50, as previously advised. What do you think?

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Seeds Of Discontent

The Onion - Mon, 2018-07-02 10:32
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Australia Invests $377 Million To Protect Great Barrier Reef

The Onion - Mon, 2018-07-02 10:00

Australia made the largest such investment in its history by investing $377 million into protecting the Great Barrier Reef by limiting pollution and improving water conditions. What do you think?

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Obama Meeting With Contenders For 2020 Election

The Onion - Sat, 2018-06-30 10:00

Barack Obama has met with Bernie Sanders, Deval Patrick, Elizabeth Warren, and others to offer advice on potential 2020 presidential runs and the future of the Democratic Party. What do you think?

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New Report Finds Fastest-Rising Cause Of Death In U.S. Is Losing Chess Match To Grim Reaper

The Onion - Fri, 2018-06-29 11:20

AUSTIN, TX—Shedding light on the dangers of challenging death, a new report published Friday found that the fastest-rising cause of death in the U.S. is losing a chess match to the Grim Reaper. “After examining recent mortality trends, we have found that the rate at which Americans are dying due to the Grim Reaper…

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Plan To Split California Into 3 States Earns Spot On November Ballot

The Onion - Fri, 2018-06-29 11:07

California voters will have the chance to decide if the state should be split into three separate states in November after a campaign for the division collected enough signatures. What do you think?

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YouTuber Cringing While Watching Amateurish Early, Current Work 

The Onion - Fri, 2018-06-29 10:41

LOS ANGELES—Confessing that the “clumsy, ham-handed awkwardness” of his first and latest stabs at the medium make him want to crawl into a hole and die, YouTuber Jacksepticeye, known socially as Seán McLoughlin, confirmed Friday that he could not help but cringe while watching his amateurish early and current work. “I…

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