The Onion

Biden Vows Not To Forget Lessons Of January 6: ‘We Must Hang Mike Pence’

The Onion - Thu, 2022-01-06 15:56

WASHINGTON—In a stirring speech at the U.S. Capitol Thursday morning, President Joe Biden vowed not to forget the lessons of the Jan. 6 riot, urging Americans to hang former Vice President Mike Pence. “We stand here today to declare that we will not back down in the face of tyranny, and we will gut the traitor Pence…

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Must-Read Reflections On The January 6 Capitol Riot

The Onion - Thu, 2022-01-06 15:17

It’s been one year since supporters of then-President Donald Trump breached the U.S. Capitol in an effort to overturn his 2020 election loss, and pretty much everyone has thoughts about it. The Onion sifts through the many Jan. 6 essays published by lesser news organizations to find the smartest and most worthwhile…

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Virginia Motorists Stuck On I-95 For Harrowing 24 Hours

The Onion - Thu, 2022-01-06 15:06

A snowstorm stranded Virginia motorists on Interstate 95 for more than 24 hours, forcing hundreds to spend the night in their cars amid freezing temperatures, some with little to no food or water. What do you think?

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Hair, There, and Everywhere

The Onion - Thu, 2022-01-06 10:13
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Lost Journal Entry Reveals Lewis And Clark Nearly Turned Back After Tripping Over Tree Root

The Onion - Thu, 2022-01-06 10:08

WASHINGTON—Shedding light on the early trials the famed explorers encountered on their sojourn across the American West, a lost journal entry acquired Thursday by the Smithsonian Institution reveals that Meriwether Lewis and William Clark nearly turned back after tripping over a tree root. “In our observations of the…

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‘The Onion’ Remembers Betty White

The Onion - Thu, 2022-01-06 10:06

Betty White died on Dec. 31, 2021, after an entertainment career spanning seven decades. The Onion looks back at the most memorable moments from her star-studded life.

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U.S. Democracy Under Siege After Tech Lobbyist Invites Some Senators To Dinner

The Onion - Thu, 2022-01-06 10:05

WASHINGTON—In what both ordinary citizens and experts agreed was a threat to the nation’s political system, American democracy reportedly came under siege Thursday after a tech lobbyist invited some senators to dinner. “Rarely do we see such a brazen attack on our democratic values, and yet we could only watch in …

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Man Can’t Help But Be Proud Of Strong Tortilla Chip

The Onion - Thu, 2022-01-06 09:00

SHREWSBURY, MA—Praising the corn-based product’s tenacity and refusal to give up, local man Noah Hiatt told reporters Thursday that he couldn’t help but be proud of a strong tortilla chip. “I’m not taking it easy on this guy, but he just goes on shouldering this weight no matter how many nacho toppings I pile on,”…

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NHL Staffer Cancer-Free After Fan Spots Dangerous Mole On Neck

The Onion - Wed, 2022-01-05 16:39

A Seattle Kraken fan was thanked with a $10,000 medical school scholarship for saving the life of a Vancouver Canucks equipment manager after she pressed a note to the plexiglass warning that the mole on his neck looked cancerous. What do you think?

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J.K. Rowling Apologizes For Not Making It Clear That Ron Weasley Is The Anti-Semitic Caricature

The Onion - Wed, 2022-01-05 16:31

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Saying she could only express her heartfelt remorse to any fans who felt misled, author J.K. Rowling apologized Wednesday for not making it clear that the character Ron Weasley was her intended anti-Semitic caricature in the Harry Potter series. “Obviously, I’ve always portrayed Ron as a lowly…

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Toddler Dies In Accidental Shooting After Finding Father’s Gun Under Pile Of Guns

The Onion - Wed, 2022-01-05 15:41

DEL CITY, OK—Calling the incident a tragedy that could have easily been prevented, authorities announced Wednesday that a local 2-year-old had died in an accidental shooting after discovering his father’s gun hidden under a pile of guns. “Our hearts go out to the family of the child who lost his life in this horrible…

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Authorities Recruit Jared Fogle From Prison To Help Bring Down Horrifying New Subway Steak ‘Cali Fresh’ Sandwich

The Onion - Wed, 2022-01-05 15:05

JEFFERSON COUNTY, CO—Tapping the convicted pedophile and former Subway spokesperson to aid in their efforts, authorities reportedly recruited Jared Fogle from prison Wednesday in order to help bring down the horrifying new Subway Steak “Cali Fresh” sandwich. “We know you’ve done some bad, bad shit in the past, but we…

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Elizabeth Holmes Found Guilty On 4 Counts of Fraud

The Onion - Wed, 2022-01-05 15:00

A jury found Elizabeth Holmes, the 37-year-old founder of blood-testing startup Theranos, guilty of four out of 11 federal charges, including three counts of wire fraud and one count of conspiracy to commit wire fraud. What do you think?

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Things That Soldier Has Seen Will Haunt Him For Rest Of Afternoon

The Onion - Wed, 2022-01-05 14:55

BAGHDAD—Staring into the middle distance as the day’s atrocities replayed in his head, U.S. Army Pfc. Jake Citterton told reporters Friday that he had seen things he feared would haunt him for the rest of the afternoon. “The blood, the screaming, the looks on the children’s faces—I don’t know if I’m going to be able…

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Zoo Visitors Impressed By Number Of Animals Willing To Eat Change

The Onion - Wed, 2022-01-05 09:00

NAPLES, FL—Delighting at the chance to interact up close with the wildlife, visitors to the Naples Zoo confirmed Wednesday they were impressed by the number of animals on the premises that were willing to eat loose change. “I was pleasantly surprised by how many of these guys will just munch on whatever I have in my…

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FDA Approves First Injectable HIV Prevention Drug

The Onion - Tue, 2022-01-04 15:45

For the first time, the Food and Drug Administration has approved a long-acting injectable medication that can be administered every two months as a pre-exposure prophylaxis (or PrEP) against HIV, providing an alternative to daily pills. What do you think?

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‘Trevor’ Tops List Of 2021’s Most Popular Bridge Names

The Onion - Tue, 2022-01-04 15:27

WASHINGTON—According to new data released Tuesday by the U.S. Department of Transportation, Trevor topped the list of 2021’s most popular bridge names. “For the first time in our nation’s history, Trevor became America’s leading bridge name, finally surpassing Jim, which had enjoyed a brief three-year reign,” said…

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Republican Party To Pay $1.6 Million Of Trump’s Legal Bills

The Onion - Tue, 2022-01-04 14:38

The Republican Party is putting $1.6 million toward helping former President Trump pay for “certain legal expenses that relate to politically motivated legal proceedings waged against” him. What do you think?

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Stranded Driver Kicking Self For Eating Entire Hitchhiker Before Getting Stuck In Snowstorm

The Onion - Tue, 2022-01-04 14:27

STAFFORD, VA—Frustrated by his failure to properly plan for the massive traffic jam along I-95, local driver Ken Boswell was reportedly kicking himself Tuesday for eating the entire hitchhiker he had picked up before getting stuck in last night’s snowstorm. “I wish I had checked the weather and known what I was…

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Rabbit Who Got Caught By Hawk Honestly Relieved It Can Finally Relax Now

The Onion - Tue, 2022-01-04 09:00

EVANSTON, IL—Admitting that the anticipation had been the worst part, a local rabbit who was recently caught by a hawk confirmed Tuesday that it was in all honesty relieved it could finally just relax. “You know, you spend your whole life living in fear that one day this big catastrophe is going to happen to you, and…

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