The Onion

MTA Official Too Nervous To Tell Commuters Waiting For Train That Service Shut Down Permanently An Hour Ago

The Onion - Fri, 2018-09-07 13:17

NEW YORK—Growing increasingly anxious as tempers flared on the crowded platform, Metropolitan Transportation Authority planning director William Wheeler was reportedly too nervous Friday to tell commuters waiting for their train that service shut down permanently an hour ago. “Oh, God, I just don’t have the nerve to…

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Deformed, Half-Feathered Audubon Society President Flees Into Forest After Injecting Self With Bird DNA

The Onion - Fri, 2018-09-07 13:07

NEW YORK—Breaking into a grotesque, flapping half-run as his knees reversed themselves and pinion feathers burst wetly from his elongating fingers, rapidly deforming National Audubon Society president David Yarnold leapt through a window of his Manhattan office and flew in a series of ungainly swooping lurches towards…

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‘Rock The Caliphate’ Charity Concert Features U2, Ed Sheeran, Dua Lipa Coming Together To Raise Money For Struggling Islamic State

The Onion - Fri, 2018-09-07 11:36

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to provide much-needed assistance to the beleaguered terrorist organization, a charity concert known as Rock The Caliphate—featuring U2, Ed Sheeran, Dua Lipa, and other top musical acts—was held last night to raise money for the struggling Islamic State.

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Man Discovers Huge Cache Of Rare Fossils While Walking Through Natural History Museum

The Onion - Fri, 2018-09-07 11:27

LOS ANGELES—Amazed by the archeological treasure trove he described as “hiding in plain sight,” museumgoer Nolan Terrell stumbled across a huge cache of rare fossils Friday while walking through the Natural History Museum of Los Angeles. “My first thought was that this is a gold mine—there’s a massive diversity of…

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Is Football Bad For The NFL?

The Onion - Fri, 2018-09-07 11:18
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I Love My Children, But Not Enough To Make Them Corn On The Cob

The Onion - Fri, 2018-09-07 10:40

My three children are the greatest joys in my life, and raising them has given me a sense of purpose that I never knew was possible. But at a certain point, you’ve got to draw the line: I love my children, but not enough to make them corn on the cob.

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2018 NFL Season Storylines To Watch

The Onion - Fri, 2018-09-07 10:38

The 2018 NFL season kicked off on Thursday, as the Philadelphia Eagles sought to give their fans an opportunity to destroy their own city in celebration for the second year in a row. The Onion takes a look at the biggest storylines going into the 2018 NFL season.

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Facebook Employee Group Aims To Promote Political Diversity

The Onion - Thu, 2018-09-06 16:54

A group of 100 Facebook employees have joined an internal group promoting political diversity at the social media giant, criticizing the company’s perceived “liberal monoculture.” What do you think?

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Fucking Idiot Has Perfect GIF For That

The Onion - Thu, 2018-09-06 15:16

SAN JOSE, CA—Reveling at the opportunity to respond to an online post with the quintessential short, silent video loop, local fucking idiot Greg Knott told reporters Thursday that he has the perfect GIF for that. “Oh, man, this is totally spot-on,” announced the knuckle-dragging dumbass whose very existence is a…

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‘The Onion’ Has Chosen To Publish An Anonymous Op-Ed From Two Sources Close To Trump Who Think Their Dad Is The Best President Ever

The Onion - Thu, 2018-09-06 14:40

Today, The Onion is making an unusual editorial decision, and we want to explain why. As turmoil continues to increase within the Trump White House, this essay offers an invaluable high-level perspective into the administration’s inner workings. Due to the sensitive nature of this op-ed, revealing the identities of…

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Woman Would Have Had Awesome Time Aborting Fetus If It Weren’t For Angry Protestors Screaming Outside Clinic

The Onion - Thu, 2018-09-06 14:00

MILWAUKEE, WI—Disappointed at the outcome of the event she’d been eagerly awaiting for weeks, local woman Hannah Kaperski told reporters Thursday that she would have had an awesome time terminating her unwanted pregnancy if it weren’t for the angry protestors screaming outside the clinic. “It’s just such a bummer—you…

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Kavanaugh Surprised Senate Not Questioning Fact He Never Went To Law School

The Onion - Thu, 2018-09-06 13:05

WASHINGTON—Assuming the subject would have at least been raised once during the past three days of confirmation hearings, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh confirmed Thursday that he was surprised not one senator had questioned him about the fact that he never went to law school. “Honestly, I’m kind of shocked…

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Fabled Lost City Of Gold Finally Discovered Off I-95 Outside Baltimore

The Onion - Thu, 2018-09-06 10:28

EL DORADO, MD—Long after historians, explorers, and even the most dedicated treasure hunters had given up the fabled lost city of gold as apocryphal, El Dorado has finally been discovered a few hundred yards off the I-95 Interstate outside Baltimore. “The conquistadors sought it in South America, Ponce de León looked…

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Aging Tom Brady Decides To Conserve Energy By No Longer Returning Kicks

The Onion - Thu, 2018-09-06 10:16

FOXBORO, MA—Phasing out one of the most famous and explosive parts of his game, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady told reporters Thursday that he plans to protect his body this season by no longer returning kicks. “I’m not in my 20s anymore, when I could return four or five kicks a game. I just don’t have the stamina to…

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Clothes Come To Forefront As Major Theme In This Year’s New York Fashion Week

The Onion - Thu, 2018-09-06 10:12

NEW YORK—Predicting that attire will almost certainly become one of the hottest style trends of 2019, attendees of New York fashion week confirmed Thursday that this year’s major theme has been clothes. “No matter where you look this fashion week, from Gabriela Hearst to Calvin Klein, every runway—without fail—has…

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Does Brett Kavanaugh’s 1996 Legal Essay ‘Donald Trump Should Be Allowed To Commit Crimes If He Becomes President’ Disqualify Him From The Supreme Court?

The Onion - Thu, 2018-09-06 10:05

Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation hearings are already one of the most heated and consequential political battles in recent memory, and many Democrats in the Senate are arguing that the judge holds dangerous legal views that make him unfit to become a Supreme Court Justice. In the midst of such a controversial debate, it…

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