The Onion

Dem Good Looking

The Onion - Tue, 2019-02-05 11:09
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City Of Boston Erects New Plaque Commemorating Spot Where Ben Affleck Will Die

The Onion - Tue, 2019-02-05 11:06

BOSTON—With hundreds gathered in the street upon which the actor and filmmaker will collapse and never recover on a warm July night in 2044, city officials in Boston unveiled a new plaque Tuesday that marks the location where Ben Affleck is going to die. “As I look into this crowd, I see people who, in 25 years, five…

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Elizabeth Warren Apologizes For DNA Test

The Onion - Tue, 2019-02-05 11:02

In a call to the principal chief of the Cherokee Nation, senator and presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren apologized for a DNA test she released in October suggesting she had Native American ancestry and reiterated that she is not a citizen of any tribal nation. What do you think?

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Reconstruction Finally Completed On Field Destroyed By United Flight 93

The Onion - Tue, 2019-02-05 10:56

SHANKSVILLE, PA—Declaring the 17-year project “a testament to the resilience of the human spirit,” Somerset County officials announced Tuesday that the reconstruction of the empty field destroyed by United Airlines Flight 93 has finally been completed. “America is all about never giving up, and I think visitors will…

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Kanye West Named New Face Of Yeezy

The Onion - Mon, 2019-02-04 16:25

LOS ANGELES—Suggesting that the partnership would elevate the brand to new levels of cultural prominence, Adidas CEO Kasper Rørsted announced Monday that rapper Kanye West had agreed to become the new face of Yeezy. “We just feel Mr. West represents the values of this brand perfectly,” said Rørsted, adding that the…

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Venezuela President: U.S. Invasion Would Be Worse Than Vietnam

The Onion - Mon, 2019-02-04 15:53

After President Trump recognized the country’s opposition leader, contested Venezuelan president Nicolas Maduro cautioned that any U.S. involvement could risk a crisis worse than Vietnam. What do you think?

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Every Baby Boomer In Country Urged To Resign After Photos Emerge Of Them In Blackface

The Onion - Mon, 2019-02-04 14:51

WASHINGTON—With pressure mounting on members of the generation to step down amid accusations of racism, sources confirmed every baby boomer in the United States had been urged to resign Monday after images surfaced in which they can be seen wearing blackface makeup. “Although those photos do not represent who we are…

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7 Total Randos Found Dead

The Onion - Mon, 2019-02-04 14:12

SEATTLE—Revealing that the victims’ deaths had come, like, completely out of nowhere, authorities confirmed Monday that seven total randos had been found dead. “All seven were discovered last night within a few miles of each other, leading investigators to just go, um, what?” said Police Chief Ware O’Malley, telling…

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Dad Heartbreakingly Thinks His Connections Can Help Son Find Job

The Onion - Mon, 2019-02-04 13:33

CLEVELAND—In a devastatingly sad overestimation of his influence in the professional world, local father Bruce Tenety, 54, expressed the heartbreaking belief Monday that his connections could help his son Justin, a recent college graduate, find a job. “You know, I actually have a friend in the media business, and if…

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Yosemite Closed Indefinitely After Bear Spotted In Park

The Onion - Mon, 2019-02-04 13:12

YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Claiming their responsibility to protect the lives of visitors and employees outweighs any potential inconvenience, officials announced Monday that Yosemite National Park would be closed indefinitely following a confirmed black bear sighting in the park’s Hodgdon Meadow region. “We’ve made an…

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Report: What’s A Pretty Lady Like You Doing Around An Article Like This?

The Onion - Mon, 2019-02-04 11:25

THEONION.COM—Remarking with equal parts surprise and delight that of all the news stories in the world, you started reading this one, sources couldn’t help but wonder what a pretty little lady like you was doing hanging around an article like this. According to experts, you should probably just run along back to the…

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U.S. Falls In Annual Global Corruption Rankings

The Onion - Mon, 2019-02-04 10:54

The U.S. has dropped from 16th to 22nd place in the Corruption Perceptions Index due to eroding norms and trust in its institutions, placing it ahead of the UAE and behind France. What do you think?

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Report: It The Part Of Night Where Everyone Just Sort Of Goes Around And Remembers Commercials They Liked

The Onion - Sun, 2019-02-03 22:36

AUSTIN, TX—Marking the end of the nearly four-hour televised event, Super Bowl party attendees confirmed Sunday that it is now the part of the night where everyone just sort of goes around and remembers which commercials they liked. “I loved the one with the celebrities who showed up as their most memorable…

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Sean McVay Begs Mother To Let Him Stay Up To Coach Rest Of Super Bowl

The Onion - Sun, 2019-02-03 22:11

ATLANTA—Promising that he would go to bed “right after” the game ended, Rams head coach Sean McVay begged his mother to let him stay up Sunday night so he can call plays for the rest of Super Bowl LIII. “C’mon, Mom, just one more hour! Pretty please! We’re so close, I can’t just pause the game now,” said McVay,…

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