The Onion

Humanity Has Wiped Out 60% Of World's Animals Since 1970

The Onion - Mon, 2018-11-05 19:23

Humanity has wiped out 60 percent of the world’s mammals, birds, fish, and reptiles since 1970, leading experts at the World Wildlife Fund to warn of an extinction crisis now threatening civilization. What do you think?

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‘Gladiator’ Sequel In The Works

The Onion - Mon, 2018-11-05 16:54

Ridley Scott confirmed that he is currently working on a sequel to the critically acclaimed film Gladiator, which will focus on the life of the character Lucius as an adult. What do you think?

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Nation Begs For Midterms To Be Pushed Back To Delay Start Of 2020 Presidential Campaigns

The Onion - Mon, 2018-11-05 14:50

WASHINGTON—Saying they just wanted a short breather before having to dive right back into national politics, Americans begged Monday for the midterm elections to be pushed back to delay start of the 2020 presidential bids. “Please, the later you can schedule the general elections, the more time we’ll have until we…

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United States Sends Laos Bill For 80 Million Undetonated Bombs Still Left In Country From Vietnam War

The Onion - Mon, 2018-11-05 14:03

WASHINGTON—Stressing that 50 years has been more than enough time for the democratic republic to repay the sum, the United States sent Laos a bill Monday for the 80 million still-undetonated bombs left in the country from the Vietnam War. “We’ve been patient, but we’re urging you to please settle the balance by Dec. 1…

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There No Way TV Character Could Actually Afford Big ‘New York City’ Coffee Mug

The Onion - Mon, 2018-11-05 13:41

ROCKTON, IL—Expressing frustration at the blatantly unrealistic detail, sources claimed Monday that there was “no way” a fictional TV character could actually afford the huge New York City coffee mug they were seen drinking from several times throughout the show. “The people who made this show clearly have no idea…

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Report: More Women Choosing To Freeze Their Eggs Until Age When Sudden, Unexplained Mass Infertility Places Society On Verge Of Collapse

The Onion - Mon, 2018-11-05 13:29

ANN ARBOR, MI—According to a report published Monday by the University of Michigan, an increasing number of women are now choosing to freeze their eggs until an age when a sudden, unexplained epidemic of mass infertility places society on the verge of collapse. “Our data confirmed that more and more women are choosing…

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Democrats Express Certainty They Will Retake The House

The Onion - Sat, 2018-11-03 09:00

In a late night interview, House speaker Nancy Pelosi echoed several notable Democrats in stressing near-certainty that her party would retake the House of Representatives in the midterm elections. What do you think?

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Conservative Floridian Enjoys Living Under Sharia Law More Than He Thought He Would

The Onion - Fri, 2018-11-02 16:23

MACCLENNY, FL—Calling its clearly laid out regulations “surprisingly refreshing,” conservative Floridian man Ernest Moyer told reporters Friday he enjoys living under Sharia Law much more than he thought he would. “I gotta admit, when I said ‘Those damn Arabs are gonna ruin democracy’ I didn’t expect strictly abiding…

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High School History Textbook Concludes With Little Blurb About Last 40 Years

The Onion - Fri, 2018-11-02 15:26

EDISON, NJ—Immediately after dedicating 20 pages to the end of the Vietnam War and its aftermath, 11th-grade social studies textbook The American Vision awkwardly crammed the last 40 years of history into a little blurb titled “Into Our New Millennium.” “They spent a whole chapter on Teddy Roosevelt alone, but now…

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Ben And Jerry’s Releases Donald Trump Resistance-Inspired Flavor

The Onion - Fri, 2018-11-02 15:20

Ben & Jerry’s is launching a new flavor, Pecan Resist—containing chocolate ice cream with white and dark fudge chunks, pecans, walnuts, and fudge-covered almonds—as part of a $100,000 philanthropic campaign to benefit activist organizations and “lick injustice” worldwide. What do you think?

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‘Once They Put Me On Cheeses, I Will Finally Be Happy,’ Says Costco Employee Handing Out Free Vienna Sausage Samples

The Onion - Fri, 2018-11-02 15:16

WINCHESTER, VA—Attributing her current apathy to being stuck in the wholesaler’s remote canned goods aisle, Costco employee Tanya Fairbanks quietly remarked Friday that “Once they put me on cheeses, I will finally be happy,” as she handed out free samples of Vienna sausage. “I used to think that if I could just get…

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New Study Finds Reading Comprehension Down Amongst Dumb Fucks Perusing This Headline

The Onion - Fri, 2018-11-02 13:49

YOUR LOCATION—Discovering a complete failure to understand simple English prose that was nothing short of unbelievable, a new study published Friday found reading comprehension is down significantly amongst the dumb fucks reading this right now. “Our data found that exactly zero of the knuckle-dragging dimwits…

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New Trump Campaign Ad Claims That Illegal Immigrants Currently Murdering You With Knife

The Onion - Fri, 2018-11-02 13:43

WASHINGTON—Drawing the ire of critics who decried the spot as “misleading” and “racially charged,” a new campaign ad released Friday by President Trump claimed that illegal immigrants are currently murdering you with a knife. “Thousands of homicidal MS-13 members have already poured over the Southern border and are at…

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Wealthy Americans Assure Populace That Heavily Armed Floating City Being Built Above Nation Has Nothing To Do With Anything

The Onion - Fri, 2018-11-02 13:35

HASTINGS, NE—Saying it was definitely not a situation to get worked up about, the nation’s wealthiest residents assured the rest of the American public Friday that the heavily armed city being built in the sky high above the central United States had nothing to do with anything and could just be ignored.

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White House Concerned Ryan Zinke Made Land Deal Without Giving Cut To Trump

The Onion - Fri, 2018-11-02 13:32

WASHINGTON—Confirming the administration had launched a Justice Department investigation into the U.S. secretary of the interior’s conduct, the White House revealed Friday that it was concerned Ryan Zinke had made a land deal without giving a cut to President Trump. “Mounting evidence indicates that Secretary Zinke…

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Midterms 2018: Key Senate Races To Watch

The Onion - Fri, 2018-11-02 13:14

There are 35 Senate seats up for reelection in the 2018 midterms, most of which are currently held by Democrats, while the Republicans are trying to hold onto their two-seat majority. The Onion takes a look at the key Senate 2018 races to watch.

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Doctor Advises Man With Healthy Blood Pressure To Really Fucking Let It Rip

The Onion - Fri, 2018-11-02 12:52

CENTENNIAL, CO—Noting that he typically advises anyone under 120 over 80 to go apeshit, local internist Dr. Alan Thal told patient Matt Richards Friday that his blood pressure read fairly normal, so he should really fucking let it rip. “Well, Mr. Richards, you’re at 118 over 74. That means do whatever the hell you…

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Angela Merkel To Step Down In 2021

The Onion - Fri, 2018-11-02 09:00

Germany’s Angela Merkel has said she will step down as chancellor and pass off leadership of her center-right party in 2021. What do you think?

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