The Onion

Damning Report Finds White House Ignored Skeletal Horsemen Galloping Through Sky As Early As January

The Onion - Wed, 2020-05-13 09:23

Did the White House act soon enough? That’s the question being asked today after this report revealed the Trump administration may have been ignoring tell-tale apocalyptic signs since the beginning of the year.

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Dr. Fauci Warns Of Needless Suffering And Death If America Allowed To Continue

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-12 16:46

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the dire consequences should the sovereign nation remain in existence, NIAID director Dr. Anthony Fauci warned the public Tuesday of needless suffering and death if America were allowed to continue. “Let me be clear, if the United States of America persists into 2021, not only will many people…

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White House Will Require Everyone Except Trump To Wear Mask In West Wing

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-12 14:03

The Trump administration updated guidelines this week requiring employees to wear face masks when entering the West Wing following news that two staffers had tested positive for coronavirus, though the policy will not apply to either President Trump and Vice President Mike Pence. What do you think?

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Report: Mary Grace, Get Your Ass Back Inside This Goddamn Instant

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-12 11:16

ECKERTY, IN—According to a blistering new report issued Tuesday through the screen door of a local front porch, Mary Grace had better get her ass back inside right now, right this goddamn instant, if she knows what is good for her. “I done told you twice already, Mary Grace: Put down that stick, wipe the mud off your…

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Eighth Grader Would Have Cranked Classroom Pencil Sharpener Few More Times If She Knew That Going To Be Last Chance

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-12 10:41

DENVER—Reflecting on the simple pleasure that she would likely never experience again, area eighth-grader Francesca Jaffe told reporters Tuesday that she would have cranked the classroom pencil sharpener a few more times had she known it was going to be the last chance she’d get. “Man, if you’d have told me in March…

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National Grandpa Council Allocates $300 Million To Provide Each American Some Walkin’ Around Money

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-12 10:39

WASHINGTON—Urging citizens not to spend it all in one place, the National Grandpa Council announced Tuesday a plan to allocate $300 million to provide each American with some walkin’ around money. “We heard you all have been working very hard lately, so we thought you deserved a few clams to treat yourselves to…

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Coronavirus Assumed White House Would Be Bigger In Person

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-12 09:01

WASHINGTON—Underwhelmed by the cramped bathrooms and overly crowded seating areas, sources close to the coronavirus confirmed Tuesday that it had always assumed the White House would be bigger in person. “When you think White House, you think of this grand place where the most powerful person in the world lives, but…

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9 MUST-FOLLOW Al-Qaeda Leaders On Twitter

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-12 09:00

Khalid al-Habib (@The_REAL_KhalidAlHabib): A big name in social media circles as well as the Afghan war front, al-Qaeda’s top field commander is known for his ongoing Twitter feuds with moderate Shiites, the Muslim Brotherhood, and the 9/11 Truth movement.

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FDA Approved First Birth Control Pill 60 Years Ago This Week

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-12 08:54

This week marks 60 years since the FDA approved Enovid-10, the first oral contraceptive for women, though contraceptives were not legally available to married women in all states until 1965 and unmarried women until 1972. What do you think?

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Health Experts Say Coronavirus Originated In Promiscuous Bat Who Slept Around A Lot

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-12 08:51

Like, a lot a lot. We’ve got the latest on the complex contact tracing that has lead scientist to conclude Covid-19 may have started with this bat who was fucking anything it could find.

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3 Coronavirus Task Force Members To Self-Quarantine

The Onion - Mon, 2020-05-11 16:40

Dr. Anthony Fauci, CDC director Robert Redfield, and FDA commissioner Stephen Hahn will each quarantine for 14 days following possible “low grade” exposure to a White House staffer who tested positive for coronavirus. What do you think?

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Stephen Miller Reassures Sick Wife He Knows What It Looks Like When Woman Dying

The Onion - Mon, 2020-05-11 16:38

WASHINGTON—In an effort to comfort his spouse that her coronavirus symptoms hadn’t progressed to a more serious stage, White House senior adviser Stephen Miller reassured his sick wife Katie Waldman Monday that he knows what it looks like when a woman is dying. “Honey, I know you’re not feeling well and things can be…

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‘The Last Dance’ Director Defends Creative Choice To Flash Forward To 2046

The Onion - Mon, 2020-05-11 15:40

LOS ANGELES—Referring to the stark time-jump as the right way to cap his comprehensive portrait of Michael Jordan’s final championship, The Last Dance director Jason Hehir defended his creative choice Monday to conclude the documentary by flash-forwarding to the year 2046. “I hear people’s frustrations, but we wanted…

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