The Onion

Music Compels Weak Man To Dance

The Onion - Mon, 2018-07-30 11:23

NEWPORT, RI—Succumbing to his submissive nature as his will crumbled in time to the insistence of the beat, a weak man was reportedly compelled to dance Saturday by nothing more than the power of music. In a display of pathetic surrender, the man was seen by all in attendance to prance and caper along with each note,…

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HBO Greenlights ‘Deadwood’ Movie

The Onion - Mon, 2018-07-30 11:04

Over 12 years after its original run, David Milch’s critically acclaimed western Deadwood has been greenlit for a series finale movie to air in early 2019. What do you think?

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Minotaur Wondering If There More To Life Than Bashing In Heads Of Those Who Dare Wander Into Labyrinth

The Onion - Sat, 2018-07-28 10:24

KNOSSOS, CRETE—Expressing dissatisfaction with the repetitive and predictable nature of his fated role, bull-headed humanoid The Minotaur ruminated on the possibility of doing more with his life than caving in the skulls of the heroes and sacrifices who wander into his mazelike lair, labyrinth sources confirmed…

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Eric Trump Aims Laser Pointer At Don Jr. While Flicking Lights On And Off To Erase Memory Of Russia Meeting

The Onion - Fri, 2018-07-27 15:50

WASHINGTON—In response to resurfacing allegations that cast doubt on his brother’s version of the 2016 Trump Tower meeting, Eric Trump aimed a laser pointer at Donald Jr. Friday while rapidly flicking a light switch up and down in order to erase all his memories of the incident. “Come on, Don, keep your eyes super…

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Lyft Considering Offering ‘Zen’ Mode For Those Who Want Quiet Ride

The Onion - Fri, 2018-07-27 15:17

Ride sharing service Lyft may offer a “Zen” mode for riders who do are not in the mood for talking to their driver. What do you think?

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WHO Warns Against Eating Fish And Keeping Active Following Death Of World’s Oldest Woman

The Onion - Fri, 2018-07-27 14:51

GENEVA—In an effort to prevent people from falling into the same dangerous habits, the sudden and tragic death of the world’s oldest woman, Chiyo Miyako prompted the World Health Organization to issue an official warning Friday against eating fish every day and staying active, the 117-year-old’s most widely known…

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10-Year-Old Yelling At Mom To Watch Cannonball While She’s Trying To Scope Out Younger Men At Pool

The Onion - Fri, 2018-07-27 14:27

COSTA MESA, CA—Excitedly waving his arms from the diving board of his local pool Friday, 10-year-old Bryan Eastman reportedly yelled for his mother Emily, 36, to watch him perform a cannonball while she was attempting to feast her eyes upon a visual banquet of athletic young men nearby. “Mom, Mom, look at me! This is…

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World-Eating Leviathan Awoken From 500-Million-Year Slumber In Martian Underground Lake After Feeling Sonar Disturbance

The Onion - Fri, 2018-07-27 14:09

PARIS—Shortly following a transmission sent by the Mars Express spacecraft verifying that its instruments had detected a subglacial lake a mile below the planet’s surface, the European Space Agency confirmed Thursday that the orbiter’s surface-penetrating radar had disturbed the eternal and unspeakable dreaming of an…

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Investors Remind Mark Zuckerberg He Can’t Fuck With Them Like The Simpering Cowards In Congress

The Onion - Fri, 2018-07-27 13:00

MENLO PARK, CA—Berating the increasingly alarmed CEO about the consequences he would face if his company continued to underperform, Facebook investors reportedly reminded Mark Zuckerberg Friday that he can’t fuck with them like he did with the simpering cowards in Congress. “Listen up, you little shit—those dickless…

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Panicking Mark Zuckerberg Holds Press Conference Explicitly Welcoming Armenian Genocide Deniers To Facebook

The Onion - Fri, 2018-07-27 12:44

MENLO PARK, CA—Following a difficult week that saw the social media company’s shares plummet by nearly 20 percent, a clearly panicking Mark Zuckerberg held a press conference Friday explicitly welcoming those who deny the Armenian genocide to Facebook. “We fully acknowledge that it was a mistake for us to have ever…

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Pros And Cons Of Abolishing ICE

The Onion - Fri, 2018-07-27 12:05

Several recent high-profile controversies involving the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency have led to calls for abolishing it entirely, while most lawmakers argue for its importance in dealing with the nation’s immigration issues or urge moderate reforms. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of…

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Merck CEO Taunts Patients By Lowering Drug Prices Until Just Out Of Their Reach

The Onion - Fri, 2018-07-27 11:53

KENILWORTH, NJ—In a move characteristic of the pharmaceutical industry’s traditional price-structuring methods, Merck CEO Kenneth C. Frazier tantalized Americans dependent on prescriptions Friday by announcing a price reduction on life-saving drugs, setting the new prices at the point where they are just out of reach…

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Facebook Planning To Launch Satellite To Provide Internet To Underserved Parts Of World

The Onion - Fri, 2018-07-27 11:26

Social media giant Facebook plans to launch a low-orbit satellite to offer limited internet services such as weather forecasting and access to Facebook to impoverished parts of the world, although the plan has been criticized for restricting free speech. What do you think? 

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While I Don’t Relish Gutting Newspaper Payrolls, Unfortunately Sometimes It’s Necessary So That I Can Have Slightly More Money

The Onion - Fri, 2018-07-27 09:45

In today’s increasingly difficult media landscape, there aren’t always easy solutions to the challenges publishers face. Earlier this week, Tronc, the newspaper company I lead, made the tough decision to lay off 50 percent of our editorial employees at the venerable New York Daily News, stripping dozens of talented…

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Sea Level Rise By The Numbers

The Onion - Thu, 2018-07-26 17:13
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