The Onion

More Bad News For Democrats: Ruth Bader Ginsburg Has Announced She Is Retiring From The Supreme Court To Play Miss Hannigan In A Community Theater Production Of ‘Annie’

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-28 12:41

It seems like when it rains it pours for the Democrats, because right after Anthony Kennedy’s retirement announcement, Ruth Bader Ginsburg has announced that she too will retire from the Supreme Court in order to play Miss Hannigan in a community theater production of Annie.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Man Offended By Rude Female Coworker Continuing To Speak Over Him After He Clearly Interrupted Her

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-28 11:35

ST. LOUIS, MO—Saying the rude woman in question “didn’t even try to let him finish his interjection,” marketing analyst Kevin Ferris took deep personal offense Thursday when his female coworker continued speaking after he clearly interrupted her. “God, I’ll be right in the middle of butting in and Morgan will just…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Man Solemnly Realizes There Always Going To Be Other Apartment Hunters Out There Smarter, Faster, More Cunning

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-28 11:01

CHICAGO—Resigning himself to the notion that he might never match them for sheer drive, local man Trevor Henning came to the realization Thursday that he would always be up against smarter, faster, and more cunning apartment hunters. “I wonder if there’s a point to even trying when there are people who basically…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

U.S. Birth Rates Dip To 30-Year Low

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-28 10:44

The U.S. birth rate has fallen to 1.8 births per woman, the lowest recorded since 1978. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

How Will Justice Kennedy’s Retirement Affect The Supreme Court?

The Onion - Wed, 2018-06-27 16:05

Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy announced Wednesday he will retire July 31 after more than 30 years on the Supreme Court, a decision with far-reaching ramifications for the judicial branch, as well as the U.S. political system as a whole. The Onion takes a look at the effects that Justice Kennedy’s retirement will…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Americans Set Records For Charitable Contributions

The Onion - Wed, 2018-06-27 14:51

Giving to charitable causes exceeded $400 billion in 2017 for the first time in the United States, an increase from nearly $390 billion in 2016. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Black Twins Always Get Mistaken For Random Black People

The Onion - Wed, 2018-06-27 13:17

PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that it started with their grade school teachers calling them by countless other wrong names, local twins Aaron and Devon Thomas told reporters Wednesday they always get mistaken for random black people. “Strangers come up to us all the time, and even though we’re genetically identical in every…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

I Am Tom Hanks’ Next-Door Neighbor And Worst Nightmare. Ask Questions At Me About How I Make That Son Of A Bitch’s Life A Living Hell.

The Onion - Wed, 2018-06-27 13:05

The most fascinating people on the planet are right here on ClickHole to answer all your fascinating questions about the most fascinating topics, all in real time. So join the convo on today’s Ask Questions At Me!

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Report: That Kid Can Play

The Onion - Wed, 2018-06-27 12:45
Categories: The Onion

Probably Unnecessary: This Amber Alert Mentions That The Missing Kid’s Nickname At School Is ‘Big Lord Beefcake’

The Onion - Wed, 2018-06-27 12:00

When a child goes missing, it’s important to spread the word as quickly as possible, but in this case, things may have gone a bit too far: This Amber Alert probably didn’t need to mention that the missing kid’s nickname at school is “Big Lord Beefcake.”

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

App Knows It’s Gone Next Time Man Needs Space For Photos

The Onion - Wed, 2018-06-27 11:31

CLEVELAND—Admitting that it had little chance of surviving the next purge, plant-identification app Plantr acknowledged Wednesday that it would be a goner the next time 36-year-old phone owner Kevin Stetson needed space for his photos. “God, if he shoots a few videos on his weekend trip to Columbus, it won’t just be…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

ASPCA Report Warns That Many Americans Are Not Giving Their Dogs Correct Name

The Onion - Wed, 2018-06-27 10:59

NEW YORK—Urging animal owners to pay closer attention to the day-to-day psychological welfare of their pets, the ASPCA released a report Wednesday warning that many Americans are not giving their dogs the correct name. “We found that nearly 60 percent of canines are given a name that does not reflect who they really…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Another Failure: Facebook Is Scrambling To Beef Up Security After Discovering Millions Of Users Who Falsely Listed Their Education As ‘School Of Hard Knocks’

The Onion - Wed, 2018-06-27 10:00

Facebook has had a terrible year, and it looks like things are only getting worse. The social media behemoth just announced that it’s scrambling to beef up security after discovering millions of users who have falsely listed their education as “School of Hard Knocks,” a university that does not seem to exist in any…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Tips For Staying Civil While Debating Child Prisons

The Onion - Tue, 2018-06-26 15:56

Recent incidents of Trump officials being confronted in public for their role in the administration’s separation and imprisonment of immigrant families have driven renewed concern about the lack of civility in U.S. politics. The Onion presents tips for staying civil in a debate about child prisons.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

WHO Calls For Elimination Of Trans Fats By 2023

The Onion - Tue, 2018-06-26 15:24

The World Health Organization has launched a plan called REPLACE that aims to eliminate dangerous trans fats worldwide in foods such as ready-to-use frosting and margarine by 2023, thereby saving an estimated 540,000 lives per year. What do you think? 

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Everything You Need To Know About The Supreme Court Upholding Trump's Travel Ban

The Onion - Tue, 2018-06-26 14:37

The Supreme Court on Tuesday ruled 5-4 in favor of President Trump’s policy to ban virtually all travelers from seven mostly Muslim-majority countries from entering the U.S., overriding the lower-court ruling that it was unconstitutional. The Onion answers the most important questions about the Supreme Court upholding…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion
Syndicate content