The Onion

2018 NFL Season By The Numbers

The Onion - Wed, 2018-09-05 16:18
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Disillusioned Woman Now Wondering If Any Of Her Magical Vagina Stones Have Healing Powers

The Onion - Wed, 2018-09-05 16:03

TEMPE, AZ—Upon learning lifestyle company Goop had settled a lawsuit over false claims it made about the health benefits of its jade egg product, disillusioned local woman Melissa Salani reportedly began to question Wednesday whether any of her magical vagina stones actually possessed healing powers. “If my jade egg…

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Carl Bernstein Weeps Uncontrollably After Learning Bob Woodward Wrote A President Book Without Him

The Onion - Wed, 2018-09-05 15:35

WASHINGTON—Tearfully confessing that the release of Fear: Trump In The White House had left him totally and completely blindsided, renowned journalist Carl Bernstein could be seen weeping uncontrollably Wednesday after learning Bob Woodward had written a president book without him. “Reporting on corruption at the…

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Nike Makes Colin Kaepernick Face Of New Ad Campaign

The Onion - Wed, 2018-09-05 15:26

Nike announced that it will make Colin Kaepernick, who sparked controversy by kneeling during the national anthem to protest racial injustice, the face of its most recent “Just Do It” ad campaign. What do you think?

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Shohei Ohtani Regrets Not Researching Which Teams Were Good Before Signing With Angels

The Onion - Wed, 2018-09-05 14:55

ANAHEIM, CA—Kicking himself for not considering the potential consequences of his hasty career decision, Shohei Ohtani told reporters Wednesday that he regrets not researching which teams were good prior to signing with the Los Angeles Angels. “Man, looking back, I definitely should have done a quick Google search for…

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Kavanaugh Panicking After Botching Part Of Confirmation Where He Asked If He Rejects Satan

The Onion - Wed, 2018-09-05 14:24

WASHINGTON—Admitting that he regretted his answer as soon as it came out of his mouth, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was reportedly panicking Wednesday after botching the part of his confirmation where he was asked if he rejects Satan. “Shit, I was supposed to say ‘yes,’” said Kavanaugh, who, when asked by the…

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John Kelly Relieved Trump So Fucking Stupid He’ll Believe Woodward Made Up Disparaging Quotes

The Onion - Wed, 2018-09-05 13:44

WASHINGTON—Expressing his gratitude that the president was a big enough dipshit to be this easily placated, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly was reportedly relieved Wednesday that Donald Trump was so fucking stupid that he believed Bob Woodward had fabricated disparaging quotes from staffers in his upcoming book,

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Kavanaugh Packing Gun At Congressional Hearing In Case Parkland Father Tries To Shake His Hand Again

The Onion - Wed, 2018-09-05 13:02

WASHINGTON—Fearing for his safety after an incident with Fred Guttenberg the previous day, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was reportedly packing a gun at his Senate hearing Wednesday in case the father of a Parkland shooting victim tried to shake his hand again. “If that son-of-a-bitch comes up and threatens to…

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World’s Cartographers Continue Living Secret Life Of Luxury On Idyllic, Never Disclosed 8th Continent

The Onion - Wed, 2018-09-05 12:42

THE PACIFIC OCEAN—Pausing to briefly reflect on their immense good fortune between long sessions of nude sunbathing and plucking perfectly ripe tropical fruit from the rare vegetation surrounding them, the world’s cartographers reportedly continued living their secret lives of luxury this week on the idyllic,…

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The Onion’s Guide To Twitch

The Onion - Wed, 2018-09-05 11:12

Twitch is the leading site for livestreaming video games, with over 15 million active daily users. The Onion presents a guide to everything you need to know about Twitch.

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Two-Faced House Guest Who Didn’t Need Anything Suddenly Wants Glass Of Water

The Onion - Wed, 2018-09-05 11:06

LANCASTER, PA—Proving herself to be high maintenance and untrustworthy, two-faced house guest Anna Smithayer, who reportedly insisted that she didn’t need anything Wednesday, suddenly wanted a glass of water. “Who the fuck goes back on their word like that? One minute she’s like, ‘Oh, I’m all set,’ and the next she’s…

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HBO Ending Its Skinemax Offerings

The Onion - Wed, 2018-09-05 10:33

Noting declining demand for such softcore options, HBO announced that it would remove erotic adult movies and TV shows such as Cat House and Real Sex from its channels and streaming services. What do you think?

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Sasha And Malia Refuse To Smoke Cigarettes With Me, So I Will Never Speak To Them Again (By Barack Obama)

The Onion - Wed, 2018-09-05 10:25

I’ve always said that serving as the 44th president of the United States was the second most important job I’ve ever had, right behind being a parent. Raising my two daughters, Sasha and Malia, was the most challenging task I’ve ever taken on, and ultimately the most rewarding. That’s why it is so upsetting to…

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The Backlash Continues: Colin Kaepernick Is Joining The Nike Boycott After Learning It Doesn’t Make Top Hats

The Onion - Wed, 2018-09-05 09:45

Nike has been under fire since revealing its new ad campaign featuring controversial former NFL player Colin Kaepernick on Monday, and it looks like the situation just got worse for the company: Colin Kaepernick is joining the Nike boycott after learning it doesn’t make top hats.

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Trump Disapproval Rating At All-Time High

The Onion - Tue, 2018-09-04 16:08

According to a Washington Post–ABC News poll, roughly 60 percent of Americans disapprove of President Trump’s performance, while 63 percent support Robert Mueller and 50 percent favor initiating impeachment proceedings. What do you think?

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PR Disaster: Nike Is Under Fire After It Released An Ad Featuring A Photo Of Colin Kaepernick That Was Way Too Close Up

The Onion - Tue, 2018-09-04 15:30

Well, this is exactly the kind of disaster situation that PR teams have nightmares about: Nike is getting absolutely blasted after it released an ad featuring a photo of Colin Kaepernick that was way too close up.

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Literary Theorists Admit They Still Have No Idea What Animal Farm About

The Onion - Tue, 2018-09-04 15:05

CHICAGO—Speculating that the novella must be relying on “symbolism or something,” the nation’s preeminent literary theorists admitted Tuesday that they still have no clue what George Orwell’s 1945 work Animal Farm is about. “The encroaching influence of technology? Industrialized farming? The unpredictable effects of…

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Embarrassed Brett Kavanaugh Can’t Believe He Wore Handmaid Costume On Same Day As Protesters

The Onion - Tue, 2018-09-04 14:25

WASHINGTON—Adjusting the white bonnet and settling into his chair before the start of his confirmation hearing Tuesday, embarrassed Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh reportedly couldn’t believe both he and protestors had chosen to wear handmaid costumes on the same day. “I was feeling so confident in my blood-red…

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David Remnick Quietly Relieved He Won’t Have To Lose Debate To Steve Bannon In Front Of Everyone 

The Onion - Tue, 2018-09-04 14:04

NEW YORK—Grateful he was able to avoid what surely would have been a humiliating defeat, New Yorker editor David Remnick quietly expressed relief Tuesday that he wouldn’t have to lose a debate to Steve Bannon next month in front of everyone attending his magazine’s fall festival. “Man, I really dodged a bullet there,”…

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