The Onion

Super Bowl Halftime Show Marred By Functioning Sound System

The Onion - Sun, 2019-02-03 21:22

ATLANTA—Disappointing the thousands of fans in attendance as well as an estimated 100 million viewers watching at home, the Super Bowl LII halftime show was marred Sunday by the stadium’s functioning sound system, sources confirmed. “Right from the beginning, the sound was working normally, and unfortunately, I could…

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Jared Goff Pissed He Had To Miss Friend’s Super Bowl Party For Work

The Onion - Sun, 2019-02-03 20:43

ATLANTA—Claiming that he had been looking forward to the gathering, Rams quarterback Jared Goff told reporters Sunday that he was totally pissed about missing his friend’s annual Super Bowl party for work. “Dan’s Super Bowl parties are always the best. He has a huge TV and springs for really good beer—it’s such…

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‘No God, Please Not Now,’ Yells Rapidly Aging Tom Brady As Old Crone’s Spell Begins To Wear Off During Super Bowl

The Onion - Sun, 2019-02-03 19:58

ATLANTA—Begging for mercy while watching his arms wither and skin wrinkle, a rapidly aging Tom Brady cried out for an old crone Sunday as her spell began to wear off in the middle of Super Bowl LIII. “Please, wicked conjurer of misfortune, don’t do this to me now, all I ask is for another quarter of precious youth,”…

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Nurse Tells Wheelchair-Bound, Concussed Rob Gronkowski He’s At The Super Bowl With All His Friends

The Onion - Sun, 2019-02-03 19:47

ATLANTA—Shouting “touchdown!” while pushing the Patriots’ tight end along the sidelines, nurse Miranda Silva told a wheelchair-bound, concussed Rob Gronkowski Sunday that he was at the Super Bowl with all his friends. “Look, it’s your friend Tom! Your remember Tom, right? And Bill is here, too, Bill is your coach,”…

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Inexperienced Puppy Bowl Team Still Hasn’t Opened Eyes Yet

The Onion - Sun, 2019-02-03 16:00

NEW YORK—Noting that their youth would likely be a major factor in determining the outcome of Puppy Bowl XV, analysts noted Sunday that the inexperienced players on Team Ruff still hadn’t opened their eyes yet. “It’s hard to see how Team Ruff is going to be able to compete with Team Fluff given that its puppies lack…

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Screen Time Bad For Toddler Development

The Onion - Fri, 2019-02-01 15:35

A University of Calgary study found that children from ages 2-5 who engage in three or more hours of screen use daily suffer lower test scores, a finding that the authors linked to diminished interactions with the environment and caregivers. What do you think?

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Cory Booker Apologizes To Wall Street Bankers For The Mean Things He’s Going To Have To Say About Them

The Onion - Fri, 2019-02-01 14:36

WASHINGTON—Sighing with resignation as he spoke to those surrounding him, Democratic presidential candidate Cory Booker reportedly apologized to a coterie of Wall Street bankers Friday for all the mean things he is going to have to say about them in the upcoming months. “Things are liable to get a little ugly out…

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Myth Vs. Fact: Preventing And Treating Colds

The Onion - Fri, 2019-02-01 12:14

A recent study found that the majority of parents rely on cold-prevention strategies that have little to no scientific support. The Onion debunks popular myths about preventing colds.

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Crowd Feeling Kind Of Silly Now After Spending All That Time Pleading Rooftop Sniper Not To Jump

The Onion - Fri, 2019-02-01 12:06

SANTA ROSA, CA—Admitting the man standing on the ledge of the roof had really “got them good,” the crowd gathered at Santa Rosa Plaza admitted to reporters Friday they felt pretty silly after spending all that time pleading with a rooftop sniper not to jump. “Boy, do I feel stupid for telling that guy he had so much…

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Democrats Pick Georgia’s Stacey Abrams To Give State Of The Union Rebuttal

The Onion - Fri, 2019-02-01 11:55

Former Georgia gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams will give the rebuttal to President Trump’s State of the Union address next week. What do you think?

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New Mom Self-Conscious About Scar Where Baby Punched Its Way Out Of Stomach

The Onion - Fri, 2019-02-01 11:49

MILTON, WI—Saying that she was still adjusting to the physical aftereffects of her difficult childbirth, new mother Tina Quinn admitted Friday she was still a bit self-conscious about the scar where Skyler, her healthy 7-pound, 8-ounce newborn, punched his way out of her stomach. “I know it’s kind of a silly thing to…

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