The Onion

Experts Say Ongoing Institutional Crisis In Haiti Could Be Decisive Piece Of Knowledge That Makes You Seem Smart

The Onion - Tue, 2022-06-21 07:01

NEW YORK—In a press conference addressing the ongoing situation in the Caribbean country, an expert council at the U.N. announced Tuesday that Haiti’s ongoing institutional crisis could be the decisive piece of knowledge that makes you seem smart. “We’re seeing an alarming decline in institutional stability and…

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Friend Who Doesn’t Drink Announces Plans To Buy Weirdest Fucking Soda Imaginable

The Onion - Tue, 2022-06-21 06:45

MILWAUKEE—Stressing that he would much rather indulge in something flavored with huckleberry or an essence of sarsaparilla, Jason Torres, a local friend who doesn’t drink, announced plans Tuesday to buy the weirdest fucking soda imaginable. “Yes, I used to enjoy alcohol, but now I prefer to drink new and fun things…

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Texans Explain Why They Are Voting For Greg Abbott

The Onion - Tue, 2022-06-21 06:35

After taking a hard-line stance on issues like abortion, trans rights, and gun control, Gov. Greg Abbott is up for reelection in Texas. The Onion asked supporters why they are voting for him, and this is what they said.

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BTK Ready To Start Dating Again

The Onion - Tue, 2022-06-21 06:00

EL DORADO, KS—Saying he’d had time to work through many of his personal issues, El Dorado Correctional Facility inmate and serial murderer Dennis Rader, known as the BTK killer, told reporters Tuesday he was ready to start dating again. “Though I haven’t been the best partner—or even person—in the past, I’ve done a…

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Mental Health Experts Warn Lack Of Purpose, Accomplishments Could Be Sign Democratic Leaders Depressed

The Onion - Tue, 2022-06-21 05:30

WASHINGTON—Noting that such behavior pointed to a textbook diagnosis of the psychological disorder, Georgetown University mental health researchers released a study Tuesday warning that the lack of purpose, accomplishments, and all-around drive among the nation’s Democratic leaders could be a sign they are depressed.…

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China Says It May Have Detected Signals From Alien Civilizations

The Onion - Mon, 2022-06-20 07:31

Scientists in China have claimed that the country’s enormous “Sky Eye” telescope may have picked up trace signals from a distant alien civilization in a recently posted and subsequently deleted report. What do you think?

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Encouraging Report Finds Most Of Planet Will Still Be Habitable In 2023

The Onion - Mon, 2022-06-20 07:31

NEW YORK—Reversing long-held theories about the potentially devastating effects of climate change, scientists published an encouraging report Monday that found most of the planet would still be habitable in 2023. “While many are understandably nervous about the future of our rapidly changing world, our data…

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Britney Spears Placed Under Conservatorship Again After Court Determines She’s Having Too Much Fun

The Onion - Mon, 2022-06-20 07:31

LOS ANGELES—Alarmed by what she called “confident and carefree behavior,” a superior court judge reportedly placed Britney Spears back under a conservatorship Monday after determining the pop star was having too much fun. “Ms. Spears is clearly having the time of her life in a way I find extremely concerning,” said…

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Christian Parents Encourage Child To Save Self For Church Leader

The Onion - Mon, 2022-06-20 07:31

HOUSTON—Drawing upon their own experience growing up in the church, local Christian married couple Jonathan and Rebecca Bell have encouraged their daughter to save herself for a church leader, sources confirmed Monday. “Whether he’s a minister, youth pastor, or high-ranking member on the executive committee, we…

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Whole Conversation Wasted Getting To Know New Neighbors Who Were Just Airbnb Guests

The Onion - Mon, 2022-06-20 07:30

PORTLAND, OR—Feeling absolutely duped by the strangers in his building, local resident Edward Siede told reporters Monday that he wasted a whole conversation getting to know his new neighbors who turned out to just be Airbnb guests. “I lost a full 30 minutes of my time talking to these people I thought had moved into…

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Biggest Revelations From The Jan. 6 Hearings

The Onion - Mon, 2022-06-20 07:26

In perhaps its most shocking takeaway, the Jan. 6 committee revealed the election was rigged.

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Employee Always Complaining About No Time Off Suddenly Upset About Getting Fired

The Onion - Mon, 2022-06-20 07:22

NEW YORK—Noting the abrupt and dramatic shift in the man’s attitude toward work, Lindwasser Insurance Group president Brad Lindwasser told reporters Monday that one of his employees who regularly complained about not having enough days off was suddenly upset about getting fired. “He was always saying he needed more…

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Study Finds U.S. Could Have Saved 338,000 Lives From Covid With Universal Healthcare

The Onion - Fri, 2022-06-17 15:18

According to a new study, the U.S. could have saved more than 338,000 lives and more than $105 billion in healthcare costs in the Covid-19 pandemic with a universal healthcare system, citing delayed diagnosis and exacerbated transmission for the uninsured or underinsured in the current system. What do you think?

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Point/Counterpoint: President Trump Went Too Far On Jan. 6 vs. Mike Pence Was Wrong To Say President Trump Went Too Far On Jan. 6

The Onion - Fri, 2022-06-17 12:54

On Jan. 6, 2020, President Trump attempted to change the course of U.S. history forever. Rather than accept a loss, he asked me, Vice President Mike Pence, to step in and overturn the election in his favor.

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Fed Raises Interest Rates In Effort To—Hey, Pay Attention, This Is Important!

The Onion - Fri, 2022-06-17 12:40

WASHINGTON—With inflation at a 40-year high, the Federal Reserve raised its benchmark interest rate this week in an effort to—hey, come on, pay attention, this is really important! The Consumer Price Index has gone up 8.6% since May of last year, and so the Fed’s hike of three-quarters of a point is aimed at…hello?…

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New Black Wristbands Designated For Visitors Condemned To Spend Eternity At Water Park

The Onion - Fri, 2022-06-17 11:22

NEW BRAUNFELS, TX—Dooming parkgoers to an eternity of family fun in the sun, a new black wristband was unveiled Friday for visitors condemned to spend the rest of time at Schlitterbahn Waterpark. “We are happy to offer our new accursed black wristbands to those damned to endlessly wander the world’s largest and most…

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Jan. 6 Rioters Explain Why They Stormed The Capitol

The Onion - Fri, 2022-06-17 09:24

Thus far, more than 300 people who stormed the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021, have pleaded guilty. The Onion asked them why they participated in the insurrection, and this is what they said.

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