The Onion

Excuses To Get Out Of Work That Bosses See Right Through

The Onion - Tue, 2022-01-04 09:00

Your boss may be stupid, but they’re not that stupid. Here are common excuses people use to get out of work that management will see right through.

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City Announces Construction Of 20 New Miles Of Secret Underground Tunnels For Vloggers To Explore

The Onion - Tue, 2022-01-04 09:00

SAN FRANCISCO—Hoping to expand access to the important municipal resource, the city of San Francisco reportedly announced the construction of 20 new miles of secret underground tunnels Wednesday for vloggers to explore. “We are happy to announce that we’ve broken ground on a whole new system of spooky tunnels for…

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Paleontologists Discover Fossil Evidence Of Career-Oriented Dinosaur Who Froze Eggs

The Onion - Mon, 2022-01-03 09:00

MEADE COUNTY, SD—In a first-of-its-kind discovery that suggests not all Cretaceous-period females prioritized the traditional goals of settling down and having children, paleontologists from Boston University announced Monday they had found fossil evidence of a career-oriented dinosaur who froze her eggs. “This

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Study: Vaping Doubles Risk Of Erectile Dysfunction

The Onion - Mon, 2022-01-03 09:00

A recent study has discovered that healthy men between the ages of 20 and 65 who vaped nicotine daily were more than twice as likely to report experiencing erectile dysfunction. What do you think?

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Lies Fitness Trainers Tell Their Clients All The Time

The Onion - Mon, 2022-01-03 09:00

They haven’t, and they’re absolutely panicking inside about what the fuck to do with you.

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New Year’s Resolutions

The Onion - Mon, 2022-01-03 09:00

Each year, Americans celebrate New Year’s Eve by resolving to change some aspect of their lives. What is your New Year’s resolution?

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BREAKING: The Tower…The Chariot Reversed…And Death…

The Onion - Mon, 2022-01-03 09:00

NEW YORK—Flipping over the cards you selected one by one, a breaking report issued Monday stated they showed the tower, the chariot reversed, and death, which sources confirmed would certainly lead to imminent, grave misfortune for you. “Beware, lost one, for the fortunes have turned against you,” said visibly rattled…

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Gwyneth Paltrow Touts New Diamond-Encrusted Trepanation Drill, Drainage Bucket On Website

The Onion - Fri, 2021-12-31 09:00

LOS ANGELES—Touting the tool’s ability to bore through several layers of skull in order to balance the body’s unknowable ethers, Gwyneth Paltrow introduced a new diamond-encrusted trepanation drill and drainage bucket on her website, sources confirmed Friday. “With just a few cranks, this elegant, stainless steel…

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Artist Crafting Music Box Hopes It Delights At Least One Child In Post-Apocalypse

The Onion - Fri, 2021-12-31 09:00

TEMPE, AZ—Telling reporters that the notion helped inspire him to continue creating, Keith Gein, a local music box artisan, expressed his hope Friday that his latest work would delight at least one child in the post-apocalypse. “I work hard on each of my crafted items, so it’s nice to imagine that eventually one of…

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Homeowner Trying To Smoke Out Snakes Accidentally Burns Down House

The Onion - Fri, 2021-12-31 09:00

A Maryland homeowner trying to get rid of a snake infestation accidentally burned their house to the ground, causing about $1 million in damages, with officials stating that the well-being of the snakes was still “undetermined.” What do you think?

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Dictionary.Com Names ‘Allyship’ 2021 Word Of The Year

The Onion - Fri, 2021-12-31 09:00

Dictionary.com has named “allyship” as its word of the year for 2021, noting the old noun taking on another definition: “The role of a person who advocates for inclusion of a ‘marginalized or politicized group’ in solidarity but not as a member.” What do you think?

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Man Realizes ‘The Texas Chain Saw Massacre’ Actually Pretty Creepy After Rewatching It As Adult

The Onion - Fri, 2021-12-31 09:00

LEBANON, NH—Saying he was stunned by the film’s macabre subject matter, area man Tyler Duchesne told reporters Friday that he had never realized The Texas Chain Saw Massacre is actually pretty creepy until he viewed it for the first time as an adult. “Back when I was a kid, it never occurred to me that the movie’s…

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Idiotic New Year’s Resolutions You’ll Never Actually Keep

The Onion - Thu, 2021-12-30 09:00

With another challenging year finally coming to a close, it’s time to turn over a new leaf and attempt—with little success—to improve yourself. Here are several common idiotic New Year’s resolutions you’ll never actually keep.

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New Initiative Decreases Stigma Against Homeless By Making Majority Of People Homeless

The Onion - Thu, 2021-12-30 09:00

SAN DIEGO—In an effort to decrease the widespread social shaming often associated with being unhoused, a new city initiative unveiled Thursday reportedly aims to decrease stigma against the homeless by making the majority of people homeless. “It’s our hope that we’ll see more empathy with our homeless population by…

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Italian Dentist Presents Fake Arm For Vaccination To Get Pass

The Onion - Thu, 2021-12-30 09:00

A dentist in Italy faces possible criminal charges after trying to use a fake silicone arm to receive a coronavirus vaccine in order to obtain a “super” health pass required to enter restaurants and venues in Italy. What do you think?

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Dollar General Opening New Store For Wealthier Shoppers

The Onion - Thu, 2021-12-30 09:00

Dollar General will be opening 1,000 locations for its new store called Popshelf, which is aimed at younger, wealthier, suburban customers, selling higher-profit items like home goods and seasonal decor. What do you think?

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Man Carefully Places Piece Of Paper In Back Pocket To Make Sure It Will Go Through Washing Machine

The Onion - Thu, 2021-12-30 09:00

CROFTON, MD—Conscientiously stowing away the important note, local man Gary Chen carefully placed a piece of paper in his back pocket Thursday to make sure it would end up going through the washing machine. “Gotta make sure to keep this in a safe spot,” said Chen of the piece of paper containing important information…

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Woman Disgusted After Finding Out There Over 2,000 Calories In Recommended Daily Intake

The Onion - Thu, 2021-12-30 09:00

KENNESAW, GA—Shuddering at the thought of what eating that much might do to her body, local woman Jessica Hummel was reportedly disgusted Thursday after finding out there were well over 2,000 calories in her recommended daily intake. “Jesus, I knew it was probably a lot, but I didn’t think it would be that bad,” said…

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