The Onion

How To Increase Voter Turnout

The Onion - Thu, 2018-11-01 17:52
Categories: The Onion

Exorcise Your Right

The Onion - Thu, 2018-11-01 15:44
Categories: The Onion

Child Venture Capitalist Invests $2.50 In Friend’s Slug-Eating Enterprise

The Onion - Thu, 2018-11-01 15:37

BURRILLVILLE, RI—Touting it as an incredible opportunity to get in on the ground floor of a lucrative business endeavor, child venture capitalist Aidan Frost reportedly invested $2.50 Thursday in his friend’s new slug-eating enterprise. “I’m pleased to announce that I’ve agreed to make a more than two-dollar…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Brian Kemp Campaign Energized After Seeing Early Voter Suppression Numbers

The Onion - Thu, 2018-11-01 15:11

ATHENS, GA—Saying that the data heralded a promising outcome for election day, representatives from Brian Kemp’s gubernatorial campaign were reportedly energized Thursday after perusing early voter suppression numbers. “It’s very exciting to see that with five days to go before the election, thousands of Georgians…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

FiveThirtyEight Staff Finds Hundreds Of Nate Silvers Representing Every Voting Demographic In America After Disastrous Aggregator Explosion

The Onion - Thu, 2018-11-01 13:36

NEW YORK—Embodying every potential voter from a 75-year-old Latina grandmother of 12 to a Generation Z high school senior living in the Atlanta exurbs, hundreds of Nate Silvers representing every voting demographic in America ran rampant through the FiveThirtyEight.com offices Thursday following a disastrous explosion…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

HR Director Doesn’t Know What It Is About Her That Makes People Want To Unload All Their Problems

The Onion - Thu, 2018-11-01 13:32

NEW YORK—Expressing frustration after yet another company employee visited her office with an issue, human resources director Sally Kent told reporters Thursday that she doesn’t know what exactly it is about her that makes people want to unload all their problems. “I have absolutely no idea why they all want to lay…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Poll Finds 2018 Midterms Resting On Critical Swing Group Of People Who Showed Up Looking For Community Center Pottery Class

The Onion - Thu, 2018-11-01 13:19

WEST LONG BRANCH, NJ—Noting that the notoriously hard-to-predict voting bloc will be critical to success on election day, a Monmouth University poll released Thursday found that the 2018 midterms will likely be decided by Americans who arrive at the community center looking for a pottery class. “Data from past…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Jesus Announces Plans To Return Once The Dow Clears 27,000

The Onion - Thu, 2018-11-01 12:42

THE HEAVENS—Urging Christians nationwide to “Buy! Buy! Buy!” on Thursday, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, announced that He will come again to judge the living and the dead once the Dow clears 27,000. “Listen, my children, and I will tell you—when the NYSE closing bell rings out and the Dow Jones…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Original Voice Of NBA Buzzer Passes Away

The Onion - Thu, 2018-11-01 12:36

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—After a lifetime spent defining the sound of basketball in America, Roman Sullivan, the original voice of the NBA buzzer, passed away at the age of 83, sources confirmed Thursday. “Today, we mourn a longtime member of the NBA family. You always knew it was either the half or end of a game when you heard…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Boston Gangster Whitey Bulger Killed In West Virginia Prison

The Onion - Thu, 2018-11-01 10:50

James “Whitey” Bulger, the notorious former Boston mob boss, was killed Tuesday morning at a West Virginia prison after serving 7 years of his life sentence. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Paramedics Didn’t Realize How Hard It Would Be To Cut Drunk Woman Out Of Elmo Costume

The Onion - Wed, 2018-10-31 20:00

CLEVELAND—Finding themselves hopelessly out of their depth despite years of training in emergency field medicine, a local team of paramedics told reporters Wednesday that they had no idea how difficult it would be to cut a dangerously drunk woman out of an Elmo costume. “Good God, how did she even breathe in this…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Woman Sick Of Being Stuck In Back Half Of Velma Costume Entire Halloween Party

The Onion - Wed, 2018-10-31 19:00

LAKEWOOD, OH—Cramped and frustrated at being unable to interact with any of the other guests, Halloween party attendee Hayley Crawford divulged Wednesday that she was sick of being stuck as the back half of the Velma costume. “It’s unbelievably hot back here and I’m tired of suddenly being pulled around without…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Political Scientists Trace American Democracy’s Severe Polarization To Fucking Idiots On Other Side Of Aisle

The Onion - Wed, 2018-10-31 15:57

DURHAM, NH—Blaming those with a differing worldview for sowing rampant discord in society, political scientists at the University of New Hampshire announced Wednesday they had traced the current polarization in American democracy to those fucking idiots on the other side of the aisle. “The analysis we conducted…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Fortnite, Spider-Man Top 2018’s Most Popular Halloween Costumes

The Onion - Wed, 2018-10-31 15:52

Characters from the video game Fortnite and comic book heroes topped the most popular Halloween costumes among adults and children in 2018, according to Google data. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘Kanye Must Be Back On His Meds,’ Says Nation Technically Having Conversation About Mental Illness

The Onion - Wed, 2018-10-31 14:57

NEW YORK—Following a social media post in which the rapper appeared to distance himself from politics, Americans nationwide commented that “Kanye West must be back on his meds” in what, technically speaking, could be called a conversation about mental illness. “That guy was always a wack job, but it’s good he’s taking…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion
Syndicate content