The Onion

All Man’s Fun Facts From Eisenhower Biography From Prologue

The Onion - Mon, 2020-05-11 13:46

WILMINGTON, NC—Confirming suspicions the man had yet to make it past the book’s 16-page prefatory material, sources reported Monday that all the fun facts about Dwight D. Eisenhower shared by local father Andrew Keller had come from the prologue of the biography he began reading several weeks ago. “Did you know they…

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Trump Blames Nation’s Susceptibility To Coronavirus Outbreak On Weakness Of America’s Race-Muddled Gene Pool

The Onion - Mon, 2020-05-11 12:11

WASHINGTON—In an effort to explain the rising U.S. death toll, President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that he blamed the nation’s susceptibility to coronavirus on the weakness of America’s race-muddled gene pool. “It’s sad to say, but decades of rampant miscegenation have watered down our superior genetics to…

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Man Can’t Wait For Quarantine To End So He Can Finally Take Shower Again

The Onion - Mon, 2020-05-11 11:25

PEABODY, MA—Noting that it had been months since he had been able to feel truly clean, local man Evan Kornhauser told reporters Monday that he could not wait for the quarantine to end so that he could finally shower again. “Everyone has to make sacrifices, I know, but I have to admit that I’ve really missed bathing…

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Flashback! 8 Mind-Blowing Photos Of Jessica Alba Before She Was Famous

The Onion - Mon, 2020-05-11 11:09

Everyone recognizes Jessica Alba from her extensive work in television and on the silver screen, but did you know that long before the Hollywood bombshell made it big in the entertainment world she was actually Husrev Tevetoğlu, an elderly Turkish man?

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Health Officials Warn Mysterious Voice Calling For People To Come Out And Play In Middle Of Night Could Be Coronavirus

The Onion - Mon, 2020-05-11 10:24

Social distancing restrictions may be loosening around the country, but health officials are warning we may not be completely out of the woods yet. We’ve got everything you need to know about that ethereal voice outside your window humming in the moonlight.

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Tinder To Introduce In-App Video Chat Feature

The Onion - Mon, 2020-05-11 10:03

Tinder parent company Match Group announced last week that one-on-one video chatting will be available on the app later this year, though details on how harassment and inappropriate content will be monitored has not been released. What do you think?

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Experts Warn Unemployment Rate Could Soon Rise To America Is The Greatest Country In The World

The Onion - Fri, 2020-05-08 16:48

WASHINGTON—Following weeks of mounting job losses amidst a worldwide pandemic, top economists in the Trump administration warned Friday that the national unemployment rate could continue its rise to the United States is the greatest country in the history of the world. “As today’s report from the Bureau of Labor…

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77% Of Laid-Off Workers Expect To Be Rehired By Employer In Future

The Onion - Fri, 2020-05-08 15:46

In a poll conducted by the Washington Post, nearly 8 out of 10 Americans who have been laid off or furloughed during the pandemic are optimistic they will be able to return to their jobs once business resumes, though analysts warn that up to 40% of jobs could be permanently lost. What do you think?

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Trump Names Donor As New Postmaster General

The Onion - Fri, 2020-05-08 15:20

Donald Trump named Louis DeJoy, a GOP fundraiser and RNC national finance chairman who has donated nearly $360,000 to the president’s reelection fundraising committee since January, as the 75th chief executive officer of the United States Postal Service. What do you think?

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Most Common Panic-Buying Purchases During Coronavirus

The Onion - Fri, 2020-05-08 14:31

Anxiety over coronavirus disrupting supply chains and many people’s continued isolation at home have inspired panic-buying of certain items with varying degrees of logical connection to the pandemic. The Onion looks at the most common panic-buying purchases during coronavirus.

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Each Successive Comment On ‘Jack And Diane’ Music Video More Heartbreaking Than Last

The Onion - Fri, 2020-05-08 14:07

NEW YORK—In a remarkable pattern that stretched across hundreds of misspelled and poorly formatted posts, sources confirmed Friday that each successive comment on the John Mellencamp’s “Jack And Diane” music video was more heartbreaking than the last. Several reports indicated that while early messages under the clip,…

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Incredible Security: The Xbox Series X Will Deter Would-Be Burglars By Emitting A Rotting Crab Smell At All Times

The Onion - Fri, 2020-05-08 11:52

Microsoft just launched the first real volley in the next-gen wars! To cap off yesterday’s impressive Xbox Series X games event, the hardware juggernaut announced that every iteration of their upcoming console will deter burglars by emitting a rotting crab smell at all times.

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Watch What Happens When You Zoom In On This Bread

The Onion - Fri, 2020-05-08 11:26

Well, would you look at that, a slice of bread. You see it everyday, but you probably don’t look very closely. Well, that’s about to change. Let’s zoom in a little bit.

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12 Sure Signs You Directed The 2006 Motion Picture ‘Babel’

The Onion - Fri, 2020-05-08 11:18

After Babel debuted to acclaim at the Cannes Film Festival, critics compared it to your previous films Amores Perros and 21 Grams.

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Study Finds It Statistically Impossible That Your Mom The Best Mom In The World

The Onion - Fri, 2020-05-08 10:30

Of the thousands of mothers observed across the country, researchers found that even though you may think she’s the best in the whole wide world, your mom is actually far, far from it, and most likely at or below average at best. 

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