The Onion

Report: Decision To Read This Headline Has Erased Future Daughter ‘Emily’ In All Possible Timelines

The Onion - Tue, 2018-06-26 11:58

CHICAGO—Emphasizing that the beautiful, intelligent young woman—the apple of your eye—was officially gone and never, ever coming back, a report released Tuesday confirmed that your decision to read the above headline has erased your future daughter Emily in all possible timelines. “By the time you read this sentence,…

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Archaeologists Unearth Ancient Clay Pot Shards From Dwelling Of Earliest Known Klutz

The Onion - Tue, 2018-06-26 11:14

VÉZÈRE VALLEY, FRANCE—Hailing the discovery as an extraordinary insight into the clumsiness of primitive man, archaeologists with the Université Paris-Sorbonne announced Tuesday that a recently unearthed trove of clay shards indicates they have found the dwelling of the earliest known klutz. “Based on their size,…

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Man Who Has Never Seen Horseshoe Crab Before Understandably Freaking The Fuck Out

The Onion - Tue, 2018-06-26 10:05

NORTH BEACH, MD—Backing away slowly as the prehistoric antediluvian monster scuttled ever closer to his beach blanket, first-time horseshoe crab viewer Greg Zeller, 33, of Davenport, IA understandably freaked right the fuck out Tuesday. “Holy shit—what the fuck is that thing?” exclaimed the vacationing insurance…

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WHO Classifies ‘Gaming Disorder’ As Mental Health Condition

The Onion - Mon, 2018-06-25 17:53

The World Health Organization listed “gaming disorder” as a mental health condition in the 11th edition of its International Classification of Diseases. What do you think?

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ATTACK ON FREEDOM: HATE-MONGERING HILLARYITES Just Shooed Stephen Miller Away From The Bird Feeder Where He Was PEACEFULLY ENJOYING BREAKFAST

The Onion - Mon, 2018-06-25 12:35

Patriots, our liberty is being threatened by DISRESPECTFUL DEMS. Stephen Miller was CALMLY eating his breakfast of seeds and cracked corn out of a PUBLIC bird feeder this morning when RUDE liberals with NO MANNERS approached him and drove him away with a broom. Make no mistake, patriots: This is a slippery slope. We…

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5 Classic Video Games That Are Sadly Ruined Because They Have Villains In Them

The Onion - Mon, 2018-06-25 12:15

These games would have been incredible if not for their villains always getting in the way.

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Asshole Taking Up Two Plots

The Onion - Mon, 2018-06-25 11:36
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Hamburger Creeped Out By Eerie Soy Facsimile Of Itself On Grill

The Onion - Mon, 2018-06-25 11:22

HARRISBURG, PA—Growing increasingly unnerved by the odd yet familiar patty, a hamburger on local man Bryan Greene’s backyard grill was reportedly creeped out Monday by its eerie soy facsimile cooking nearby on the grate. “My God...we’re so different, and still...so alike,” uttered the meat slab to its double, whose…

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Biggest Guy In Prison Tired Of Every New Inmate Beating Shit Out Of Him On Their First Day

The Onion - Fri, 2018-06-22 17:15

SAN QUENTIN, CA—Expressing frustration with the endless parade of poorly informed new inmates attempting to establish a reputation, Otto “O-Nasty” Dunlap, the biggest guy at San Quentin Prison, confirmed Friday that he was tired of every new inmate beating the shit out of him on their first day. “Every day it’s the…

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Onion Employees Return To Mundane Lives Of Writing Game-Changing News Coverage Read By Billions Across Globe

The Onion - Fri, 2018-06-22 16:57

CHICAGO—Trudging one by one into the tastefully understated newsroom of their architecturally breathtaking headquarters, employees of The Onion returned to their accustomed routine Friday and resumed writing groundbreaking news for a global audience of billions. “Time to get back to the old slog of shining a light…

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25 Million Onion Social Users Run Into Glorious Flames Of Headquarters In Hopes Of Using Website One Last Time

The Onion - Fri, 2018-06-22 16:12

PALO ALTO, CA—Desperate beyond measure for a final glimpse at the breathtaking social network, 25 million Onion Social users ran into the roaring inferno engulfing Onion Social’s Silicon Valley headquarters Friday in hopes of using the website one last time. “Don’t leave us! Not yet! Just please give us one more post…

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Cackling NPR Host Warns Upcoming Segment May Feature Content Too Dark, Too Chilling, Too Positively Ghoulish For Young Listeners

The Onion - Fri, 2018-06-22 15:36

WASHINGTON—Urging audiences to spare their children from the disturbing story ahead, a cackling Terry Gross warned that an upcoming segment may feature content too dark, too chilling, too positively ghoulish for young listeners. “Beware, my friends, for the tale I bring before you now contains terrors so horrid, so…

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