The Onion

‘It’s Just A Costume, It’s Just A Costume,’ Man Nervously Assures Himself As Giant Hot Dog Starts Walking Toward Him

The Onion - Wed, 2018-10-31 14:08

SAN FRANCISCO—Wringing his hands as beads of sweat began dripping down his forehead, local man Samuel Karpinski repeatedly sought to reassure himself Wednesday that the giant hot dog moving down the sidewalk toward him must be nothing more than a costume. “Stay calm, stay calm—it can’t hurt you,” a visibly shaken…

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‘Take This Grape For It Is The Witch’s Eye, Take This Spaghetti For It Is The Witch’s Brain,’ Says Pope Francis During Halloween-Themed Communion

The Onion - Wed, 2018-10-31 13:00

VATICAN CITY—Standing before his costumed congregants in St. Peter’s Basilica, Pope Francis declared, “Take this grape for it is the witch’s eye, take this spaghetti for it is the witch’s brain,” during a Halloween-themed Communion Wednesday, Vatican sources confirmed.

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Man Exhausted After Having To Explain Halloween Costume For Umpteenth Time

The Onion - Wed, 2018-10-31 12:59

NEW BUFFALO, MI—Struggling to convey his exasperation through a set of plastic fangs, seasonally costumed reveler Aaron Greenstone admitted feelings of exhaustion and hopelessness Wednesday after explaining his Dracula Halloween costume for the “umpteenth” time. “I thought it would be super clever if I dressed up this…

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Midterms 2018: Key House Races To Watch

The Onion - Wed, 2018-10-31 12:51

Many of the 435 U.S. House of Representatives midterm races are currently polling as toss-ups, with Democrats needing to win at least 24 extra seats to take back the House. The Onion takes a look at the key House races to watch in the midterms.

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Instagram Surpasses Snapchat As Most-Used App By U.S. Teens

The Onion - Wed, 2018-10-31 10:47

A study published in The Wall Street Journal found that Instagram is now used daily by 85 percent of U.S. teens, compared to 84 percent who use Snapchat. What do you think?

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Inmates Scrambling To Replace Whitey Bulger In Prison Production Of ‘Guys And Dolls’

The Onion - Tue, 2018-10-30 19:03

BRUCETON MILLS, WV—Stressing the challenge of finding another actor with the stage presence necessary to bring the character of Nathan Detroit to life, inmates at the U.S. Penitentiary Hazelton were reportedly scrambling Tuesday to replace deceased mob boss Whitey Bulger in their current prison production of Guys And

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God Confirms Whitey Bulger Sent To Hell For Snitching

The Onion - Tue, 2018-10-30 17:34

HEAVEN—Saying that the former organized crime boss was going where he belonged for his unforgivable sin after his death Tuesday in a West Virginia prison, the Lord Our God, Our Heavenly Father, confirmed that Whitey Bulger had been sent to Hell for snitching. “Look, I am a compassionate God, a merciful God, but there…

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Trump Turns On Fox News And Tells Aides To Make Whatever They’re Saying A Law

The Onion - Tue, 2018-10-30 16:27

WASHINGTON—Demanding aides write down every single word from the morning’s Fox & Friends broadcast, President Trump turned on Fox News Tuesday and directed his staff to take everything its anchors were saying and make it into a law, White House sources confirmed. “Whatever they’re talking about right now, just draft…

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Haunted House Guests Escorted Into VIP Section Where They Can Touch The Performers

The Onion - Tue, 2018-10-30 15:59

SEATTLE—Behind a cobweb-covered red velvet curtain that opened to reveal a secret chamber where frightful delights were lurking, premium guests of the Nightmare Asylum haunted house were allowed access to a VIP section Tuesday where they were allowed to touch the performers. “Welcome, high rollers, to an exclusive…

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GLAAD: Number Of LGBTQ Series Regulars On TV At All-Time High

The Onion - Tue, 2018-10-30 15:22

In its annual report on representation on television, GLAAD found that the number of LGBTQ series regulars was at an all-time high, especially drawing attention to Pose and Supergirl as “history-making television moments.” What do you think?

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Trump Claims He Can Overrule Constitution With Executive Order Because Of Little-Known ‘No One Will Stop Me’ Loophole

The Onion - Tue, 2018-10-30 14:57

WASHINGTON—Saying his latest executive order was legal due to an “underutilized but totally feasible workaround,” President Trump claimed Tuesday that he could overrule the U.S. Constitution by means of the relatively obscure “no one will stop me” loophole. “My critics say a constitutional amendment or at least an act…

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Cryptic Long John Silver’s Campaign Just Says ‘You Are The Bait Now’

The Onion - Tue, 2018-10-30 14:31

LOUISVILLE, KY—Baffling fast food consumers nationwide by implicating the diners themselves in some unknown but vaguely fishery-related practice, seafood chain Long John Silver’s launched a new nationwide ad campaign Tuesday featuring the cryptic tagline “You Are The Bait Now.” “I’ve seen a commercial that was nothing…

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Voter Just Needs To Know Which Candidate Chops Wood In A Flannel Shirt

The Onion - Tue, 2018-10-30 13:43

GOODRICH, MI—In an effort to make an informed decision for the upcoming midterm elections, local voter Tom Richardson told reporters Tuesday that he just needs to know which candidate chops wood in a flannel shirt. “You really have to dig through all the generic talking points and policy positions in order to find out…

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Revlon Unveils New Age-Defying Monster Makeup

The Onion - Tue, 2018-10-30 13:09

NEW YORK—Declaring that the search was over for those looking to attain a more youthful, unnatural appearance, Revlon unveiled Tuesday a new cutting-edge line of age-defying monster makeup. “The anti-aging Franken-makeup line provides full coverage so your face can be smooth, spotless, and incredibly terrifying,” said…

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New York Sues ExxonMobil For Misleading Investors On Climate Change

The Onion - Tue, 2018-10-30 12:36

The New York State Attorney General announced plans to sue oil giant Exxon Mobil for misleading its investors about climate change, claiming that the company presented different information on the risks publicly and privately. What do you think?

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Report: Rash Not Going Away On Its Own

The Onion - Tue, 2018-10-30 11:38

SAN FRANCISCO—Noting no improvements since suddenly appearing on his left arm several weeks ago, a detailed report released Tuesday by local man Derrick Hart revealed that his rash was not going away. “I don’t know what it’s from, but now it’s starting to hurt,” said Hart, explaining that he first noticed the skin…

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