The Onion

Competitive Adidas Unveils Darren Wilson As New Face Of Brand

The Onion - Tue, 2018-09-04 13:17

PORTLAND, OR—In response to their competitor Nike’s new marketing campaign featuring former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick, Adidas reportedly unveiled former police officer Darren Wilson Tuesday as the new face of the brand. “Darren Wilson represents the values that Adidas stands for—the values of true-blue,…

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I Can No Longer In Good Conscience Eat Meat After Seeing That Tic-Tac-Toe-Playing Chicken At The County Fair

The Onion - Tue, 2018-09-04 12:50

I’ve been a meat eater for 52 years. That’s the way my parents raised me. Chicken, pork, beef, lamb—I ate it all, never giving much thought to where my food actually came from. But something happened to me recently that changed all of that. I witnessed something so incredible, so profound, that I can truly say my…

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Societal Collapse Narrowly Averted After Man Honks Horn At Car Paused At Green Light

The Onion - Tue, 2018-09-04 12:32

STOCKTON, CA—Displaying great courage in the face of looming catastrophe, electrician Tyler Pendleton narrowly averted the complete collapse of society Tuesday by honking his horn at a car that had paused briefly at a green light. “Jesus Christ, you dipshit!” Pendleton said as part of his selfless defense of our…

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California Man Charged With Threatening To Kill ‘Boston Globe’ Employees

The Onion - Tue, 2018-09-04 12:21

A California man was charged with threatening to kill employees of The Boston Globe, whom he called “the enemy of the people.” What do you think?

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Scientists Determine Tingling Sensation Of ASMR Caused By Mass Brain Cell Die-Off

The Onion - Mon, 2018-09-03 10:30

URBANA, IL—In a warning of what they are calling an impending public health crisis, scientists from the University of Illinois announced Monday that the tingling sensation of autonomous sensory meridian response-inducing stimuli, or ASMR, is actually caused by mass cell death in the brain. “What you are feeling in the…

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Nation Baffled By Childless Woman Who Doesn’t Even Have High-Powered Career

The Onion - Mon, 2018-09-03 10:00

AKRON, OH—Unsure what to make of the mid-level salesperson who is both unmarried and not pregnant, Americans were reportedly baffled Monday by Andrea McGovern, a childless 32-year-old woman who doesn’t even have a high-powered career. “She doesn’t seem to be an executive, which is fine, but then why doesn’t she have…

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Alabama Begins Offering Tax Credit To Attract More YouTube Fail Compilations To Be Filmed In State

The Onion - Mon, 2018-09-03 09:30

MONTGOMERY, AL—In an effort to boost the economy and produce more accurate on-screen depictions of the state known as the Heart of Dixie, Alabama governor Kay Ivey signed off on a new creative arts tax credit bill Monday designed and structured to attract film crews creating YouTube “fail compilations” to the state.…

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Evolution Definitively Proven As Scientists Capture First-Ever Footage Of Chimpanzee Transforming Into Human

The Onion - Fri, 2018-08-31 16:28

BERKELEY, CA—Putting to rest centuries of debate, biologists at the University of California, Berkeley announced Friday that they had obtained incontrovertible proof of evolution after finally capturing footage of a chimpanzee transforming into a human. “We have verified beyond any doubt that our species evolved from…

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Trump Disapproval Rating Reaches All-Time None Of This Matters

The Onion - Fri, 2018-08-31 16:01

WASHINGTON—Offering an overview of Americans’ opinions of the commander in chief’s job performance, a new poll released Friday indicated that President Trump’s disapproval rating had reached an all-time none of this matters. The report, released by who really cares which of the utterly useless polling firms and…

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Jeffrey Dahmer Estate Releases Collection Of Never-Before-Seen Victim Remains

The Onion - Fri, 2018-08-31 14:43

MILWAUKEE—Saying the newly unearthed materials would help shed light on the serial killer’s extensive oeuvre, the Jeffrey Dahmer estate held a press conference Friday during which it announced plans to exhibit victim remains never before seen by the general public.

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Restaurant Entrance Doesn’t Work All Damn Day To Be Called ‘Other Door’

The Onion - Fri, 2018-08-31 13:50

CINCINNATI, OH—Frustrated by a perceived lack of respect and appreciation, the main entrance of Bubby’s Bar and Grill said Friday that she frankly resented being referred to by her fellow employees as “the other door.” “I’m here day in and day out working my ass off in all kinds of weather, and they’ve got the nerve…

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Dad Just Wants Nice, Simple Xbox One For Checking Email

The Onion - Fri, 2018-08-31 11:35

RALEIGH, NC—Claiming he only needs something that’s easy to hook up with internet capabilities, local dad Greg Knox informed his family Friday that he just wants a simple, no-nonsense Xbox One for checking emails. “I don’t want any of those fancy Xboxes with the Kinects or headsets or anything like that. It would just…

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