BOSTON—An investigation into the musician’s suspiciously powerful work concluded Tuesday as Boston Philharmonic Orchestra conductor William Ness reportedly received an eight-concert suspension for using a corked baton. “We have a zero-tolerance policy against cheating, and Mr. Ness knew that, which is why we believe…
AUGUSTA, ME—Describing his astonishment after violently torturing his victim for hours on end Wednesday, a local kidnapper said he was shocked that pulling out his captive’s fingernails had not ended the man’s Stockholm syndrome. “Jeez, what do I have to do to keep this guy from smiling at me like I’m his best friend?…
Two maintenance workers were rescued by firefighters after falling into a partially filled chocolate tank at a Mars Wrigley factory in Pennsylvania. What do you think?
Jennifer Hudson has won a Tony award for coproducing this year’s Best Musical winner, A Strange Loop, earning her the elite EGOT status, a distinction held by any artist who has won an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and a Tony Award in their career. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—Revealing the punishing extent to which consumers were feeling the strain of rising prices, a new study from the Pew Research Center found Tuesday that inflation was forcing more Americans to choose between buying groceries or an Aston Martin DBS. “With the prices of supermarket staples like milk and bread…
LOS ANGELES—In an effort to win over insomnia sufferers worried about side effects, dietary supplement brand Nature Made introduced a new melatonin formula Tuesday that promises 40% fewer nightmares in which horrible writhing spiders cover every surface in the room and cannot be escaped. “With this new…
CULVER CITY, CA—After weeks of stories about how he likes to restore vintage Pontiacs, proposed to his fiancée with a message on the Yankee Stadium scoreboard, and once met Nick Nolte on an airplane, a 16-game winning streak reportedly left a Jeopardy! contestant with nothing but dark anecdotes to share Tuesday. “It…
A small clinical trial testing the experimental drug dostarlimab saw 100% of rectal cancer cases go into remission, with oncologists saying the unprecedented results have the potential of being a huge step forward in cancer research. What do you think?
“If I get mugged, I need to call someone who can show up afterward and tell me it was a damn shame.”
WASHINGTON—In response to the continuing debate over the ethics of public demonstration, Rep. Lyle Goodrich (R-CA) told reporters Wednesday that he supports the right of protesters to assemble anywhere an SUV can plow through them. “Americans absolutely have the right to make their voices heard in public spaces where…
Idaho police officers arrested 31 people affiliated with the white naitonalist group Patriot Front on charges of conspiracy to riot after they were discovered packed into the back of a U-Haul truck with riot gear on the way to a nearby Pride event. What do you think?
HGTV makes home renovations look fast, easy, and fun, but the truth is, they have a dark side. The Onion asked the network’s stars how they cut corners behind the scenes, and this is what they said.
HOLLY, MI—Pulling his plate back from the approaching insect, local picnicker Mike Hansen told an ant Monday that it was out of its fucking mind if it thought it was getting any of his pie. “Excuse me, what the hell do you think you’re doing?” Hansen said to the ant that paused slightly at the man’s movement before…
WASHINGTON—In keeping with its mission to address the nation’s environmental challenges, the Department of Energy introduced a new program Monday that provides pedestrians and cyclists with economic incentives to switch to electric vehicles. “As the effects of climate change worsen, we can no longer rely upon…