The Onion

Relationship Experts Recommend Telling Woman You Would Die For Her At Outset Of First Date

The Onion - Fri, 2018-08-31 11:00

DENVER—Noting that absolute devotion was the key to seducing a potential partner, relationship experts recommended Friday that it’s best to tell a woman that you would die for her at the outset of a first date. “Time and time again, we’ve found that the best way for a man to win the heart of a lady is to immediately…

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Timeline Of The American Education System

The Onion - Fri, 2018-08-31 10:40

As over 50 million students return for a new school year, the U.S. education system faces of a number of technological, philosophical, and financial challenges. The Onion looks at important events in the history of the American education system.

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Report: High School Marching Band Definitely In Shape Of Something

The Onion - Fri, 2018-08-31 10:34

OAK PARK, IL—Noting that the musicians had left their straight-line formation and stopped very cleanly, sources confirmed Friday that the Fenwick High School marching band was definitely in the shape of something. “I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be, like, a flag or trapezoid, or maybe another type of square-looking…

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Warden Scrambling To Find Ways To Punish Striking Inmates Worse Than Their Typical Living Conditions

The Onion - Fri, 2018-08-31 10:22

CRESCENT CITY, CA—In an admission that highlights the internal complexities of the prison worker strike spreading across the nation, Pelican Bay supermax prison warden Earl Daniels has divulged that he is struggling to find methods of punishment worse than the inmates’ current living conditions. “There’s no question…

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CDC Reports Surge In Sexually Transmitted Disease

The Onion - Fri, 2018-08-31 10:17

For the fourth consecutive year, federal health officials said that new cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis spiked in 2017, rising by nearly 10 percent due to changing sexual habits and a lack of public awareness. What do you think?

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Ron DeSantis Clarifies That ‘Monkey’ Comment Was Intended As Subtle Enough Dog Whistle To Get Away With

The Onion - Thu, 2018-08-30 17:44

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Facing backlash for warning voters not to “monkey this up” and vote for his black political opponent, Andrew Gillum, Republican gubernatorial candidate Ron DeSantis held a press conference Thursday to clarify that his comments were intended as a subtle enough dog whistle to racists that he could…

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University Admits It Pretty Weird They Let Bunch Of 20-Year-Olds Live In Big Mansion And Torture Each Other

The Onion - Thu, 2018-08-30 17:34

TUSCALOOSA, AL—Suddenly realizing that the tradition was actually sort of strange when one stopped to really think about it, University of Alabama administrators admitted to reporters Thursday that it was pretty weird that they let a bunch of 20-year-olds live in a big mansion and torture each other. “I guess allowing…

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Political Scientists Reassure Americans That Stripping Minorities Of Citizenship Usually Where Descent Into Fascism Peters Out

The Onion - Thu, 2018-08-30 14:57

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Responding to concern about the Trump administration accusing hundreds of Hispanic people living near the U.S.–Mexico border of having fraudulent birth certificates and revoking their passports, political scientists reassured Americans Thursday that stripping minority groups of their citizenship is…

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White House Counsel To Step Down In Fall

The Onion - Thu, 2018-08-30 14:54

After reportedly causing disputes with President Trump over his cooperation with the special counsel, White House Counsel Don McGahn will step down in the fall. What do you think?

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Praying Mantis Hesitantly Agrees To Try Girlfriend’s Sexual Fantasy Of Eating His Head During Intercourse

The Onion - Thu, 2018-08-30 14:19

CODAJÁS, BRAZIL—Saying that he was willing to try anything once, a praying mantis in the Amazon rainforest hesitantly agreed to his girlfriend’s sexual fantasy of eating his head during sex, sources confirmed Thursday. “Honestly, I was a little wary when she first told me she was fantasizing about devouring my head,…

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Ryan Zinke Calls For Legislation To Slow Down Destruction Of Wildlife So He Can Truly Savor Every Minute Of It

The Onion - Thu, 2018-08-30 14:12

WASHINGTON—Declaring the rapid decrease in the population of several endangered species “problematic,” Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke called for new legislation Thursday designed to slow the destruction of the nation’s wildlife so that he might relish every last minute of its extinction. “We need to preserve…

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NRA Praised For Decreasing Stigma Of Mentally Ill Acquiring Firearms

The Onion - Thu, 2018-08-30 13:35

FAIRFAX, VA—Expressing immense gratitude for their role in normalizing and promoting the pursuits of marginalized people, the National Alliance on Mental Illness issued a statement Thursday praising the National Rifle Association for decreasing the stigma around mentally ill people acquiring firearms. “There are still…

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Disloyal Piece Of Shit: This Middle Schooler Casually Switched From Playing The Clarinet To The Alto Saxophone, So He’ll Almost Certainly Cheat On His Wife Someday

The Onion - Thu, 2018-08-30 12:20

Well, here’s a tale of low-down scumbaggery that’s going to make your blood boil: This middle schooler casually switched from playing the clarinet to the alto saxophone, so he’ll almost certainly cheat on his wife someday.

What an absolute sack of shit this kid is going to be.

Sixth-grader Noah Thompson had spent a full…

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Heartwarming: When This Subway Employee Had To Walk 20 Miles To Work Because He Couldn’t Afford A Car, The CEO Of Subway Drove Alongside Him To Cheer Him On

The Onion - Thu, 2018-08-30 12:10

If you think all corporate CEOs are heartless monsters who only care about their companies’ bottom lines, this story is going to make you think again: When a 27-year-old employee at Subway had to walk 20 miles to work because he couldn’t afford a car, the CEO of Subway drove alongside him to cheer him on.

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Woman Who Has Been Let Down By So Many Leave-In Conditioners Can’t Bear To Put Herself Out There Again

The Onion - Thu, 2018-08-30 12:05

BILLINGS, MT—Resigning herself to the fact that perhaps she just wasn’t meant to have smooth, detangled hair, area woman Candace Fard confided to reporters Thursday that after being let down by yet another leave-in conditioner, she wasn’t sure she could ever put herself out there again. “I’ve been burned so many times…

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