The Onion

Study: Grandmothers May Hold Deeper Bond With Grandchildren Than Own Children

The Onion - Fri, 2021-12-24 09:00

A new study suggests that grandmothers are more emotionally connected to their grandchildren than to their own children after brain scans showed regions associated with emotional empathy activated looking at photos of grandchildren while only regions for cognitive empathy activated when looking at photos of their…

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New Study Suggests Cats May Legitimately Be Psychopaths

The Onion - Fri, 2021-12-24 09:00

A new study has determined domestic cats display the traits associated with the definition of being a psychopath: callous, unemotional, and morally depraved. What do you think?

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Parents Spent Too Much On Piano Lessons For Son Not To Play Dumb Little Song Every Time He Comes Home

The Onion - Fri, 2021-12-24 09:00

GLOUCESTER, MA—Saying it was the least he could do given the amount they’d shelled out over the years, parents of local man Liam Corrigan told reporters Friday that they’d spent too much money on piano lessons for their son not to play a dumb little song every time he comes home. “We dropped close to 10 grand over the…

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Woman Annoyed At Mother’s Suggestion To Consider Freezing Her Leftovers

The Onion - Thu, 2021-12-23 14:35

NEW HAVEN, CT—Dramatically rolling her eyes as the comment was made, local woman Katrina Barnes, reportedly became annoyed at her mother Thursday for suggesting it might be time to consider freezing her leftovers. “Sweetheart, don’t get mad, but I think you’re at an age now when you need to start planning ahead for…

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What To Say If You’re Not Comfortable Traveling During Covid-19

The Onion - Thu, 2021-12-23 11:45

With the resurgence of the novel coronavirus, the thought of boarding a plane, bus, or train can be quite daunting. Here’s what to say if you’re not comfortable traveling during the Covid-19 pandemic.

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Jelly Belly Releases New Flavors Based On J.K. Rowling’s Other Works

The Onion - Thu, 2021-12-23 09:00

FAIRFIELD, CA—At last following up on the success of their Harry Potter-themed candies, Jelly Belly released new flavors of jelly beans Thursday based on J.K. Rowling’s other works. “J.K. Rowling fans have enjoyed Harry Potter Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans for years now, and we’re confident they’ll be just as…

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Babies Survive Tornado That Carried Them Away In Bathtub

The Onion - Thu, 2021-12-23 09:00

Two babies survived one of the deadly tornadoes that hit Kentucky two weeks ago after the bathtub they were sheltering in was ripped out of the ground and tossed with them inside, their grandmother later finding them in the yard with only minor injuries. What do you think?

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Biden Pledges 500 Million Free Virus Tests To Counter Omicron

The Onion - Wed, 2021-12-22 17:48

President Biden has announced that next month, the government will start mailing free at-home Covid test kits to any U.S. household that requests one to help stop the spread of the omicron variant. What do you think?

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More Fridge Magnets Forced To Take On Extra Holiday Work Holding Up Christmas Cards

The Onion - Wed, 2021-12-22 13:45

WASHINGTON—Due to limited household supplies of the decorative appliance accessory, more fridge magnets have been forced to take on extra work holding up Christmas cards over the holidays, experts reported Wednesday. “With the increased demands of the season, nearly half of American refrigerator magnets have been left…

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Nation Gathers Around Picky Eater To Make Him Try Things He Doesn’t Like

The Onion - Wed, 2021-12-22 09:00

TOPEKA, KS—Following repeated appeals for the man to sample “just one little bite,” sources confirmed Wednesday that the whole nation had gathered around 28-year-old picky eater Elijah Chapman in an attempt to make him try things he didn’t like. “How can you say you don’t like something if you haven’t really given it…

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Philadelphia Woman Gives Birth On Way To Hospital In Tesla On Autopilot

The Onion - Wed, 2021-12-22 09:00

A Philadelphia woman recently gave birth to her baby while in the front seat of her Tesla as it drove on autopilot to the hospital. What do you think?

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Star High School Quarterback Blissfully Unaware He’ll Be Jets Starter 4 Years From Now

The Onion - Wed, 2021-12-22 09:00

BEND, OR—As he excitedly slapped a teammate on the back after delivering a pinpoint 30-yard throw in practice, sources confirmed Wednesday that local star quarterback Cole Rabuck was blissfully unaware he would be the New York Jets’ starter four years from now. “He goes out there every day, he’s got a great arm, and…

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Worst Mistakes You Can Make At A Company Holiday Party

The Onion - Wed, 2021-12-22 09:00

Trust us, you never want to be that person. Here are the worst mistakes you can make at a company holiday party.

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Manchin Says He Will Not Vote For Build Back Better Act

The Onion - Tue, 2021-12-21 17:01

Democratic Sen. Joe Manchin (WV) said in a recent interview that he will vote no on the Build Back Better Act, legislation that would expand the social safety net while reducing Americans’ childcare and healthcare costs and combating climate change. What do you think?

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‘Ooohhh, That Sounds Good!’ Says Woman Overhearing Pharmacy Order Of Person Before Her

The Onion - Tue, 2021-12-21 15:50

NEW YORK—As she waited in line at the pickup counter Tuesday, local woman Beth Morton said, “Ooohhh, that sounds good!” upon hearing the pharmacy order of the person in front of her, according to witnesses at a midtown Duane Reade. “I came in here thinking I knew exactly what I wanted, but now I may have to change…

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If Someone Gives You A Bad Gift, Do Not Say These Things

The Onion - Tue, 2021-12-21 12:45

When in doubt, always lie. Here are things you should never say if someone gives you a gift you don’t like.

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Pro Athletes Share Their Favorite Holiday Traditions

The Onion - Tue, 2021-12-21 12:20

“I get people tennis balls as stocking stuffers. When people say I just grabbed them from Wimbledon or something, I’m right there with the receipt from Walmart.”

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