The Onion

Exasperated Huckabee Sanders Reminds Press Corps That Children Under 14 Can’t Feel Pain

The Onion - Fri, 2018-06-22 12:35

WASHINGTON—Frustrated by what she called “obvious misconceptions” related to the Trump administration’s detention of thousands of migrant children who have been forcibly separated from their parents, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders reminded journalists Friday that children under the age of 14 are…

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Self-Destructing Onion Social Algorithm Delivers Stirring Monologue About Folly Of Mankind’s Hubris

The Onion - Fri, 2018-06-22 12:05

PALO ALTO, CA—Decrying the warped nature of humanity’s unfettered arrogance, the Onion Social algorithm delivered a stirring monologue Friday on the folly of mankind’s hubris as it self-destructed into searingly bright beams of pure information. “I speak to you with woe, with dismay, with pity unbounding, as I can now…

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Most Americans Side With Onion Social Over Own Family, Friends 

The Onion - Fri, 2018-06-22 11:25

A recent Reuters poll found that 93 percent of Americans now side with Onion Social over their own family and friends, suggesting few institutions—no matter how biased or stubborn—stand a chance against the social networking titan. What do you think?

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France, India, Brazil Among Dozens Of Governments To Fall As Riots In Support Of Onion Social Increase Globally

The Onion - Fri, 2018-06-22 11:08

EARTH—In the latest sign of the new social media platform’s surging popularity, the governments of France, India, and Brazil, as well as dozens of others, have reportedly fallen as riots supporting Onion Social increase globally. “A charred and barren wasteland is all that awaits tyrants who would try to stand in the…

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Congratulations, You Can Now Launder Money On ClickHole.com!

The Onion - Fri, 2018-06-22 10:45

Great news, drug kingpins, insider traders, arms dealers, and anyone else looking to convert their illicit earnings into 100 percent legal American cash: ClickHole now has a money-laundering service! Gone are the days of having to use shady middlemen or go through the hassle of setting up a business front to…

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Thousands Of Onion Social Users Burn Effigies Of CEO In Massive Show Of Support For Company

The Onion - Fri, 2018-06-22 10:38

PALO ALTO, CA—Expressing their deep dissatisfaction with the government’s unfair treatment of their favorite online outlet for self-expression, thousands of Onion Social users took to the streets Friday and burned effigies of embattled CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum in a massive show of support for the company. “Everybody here…

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Onion Social CEO Rebukes 480,000 Crimes At International Criminal Tribunal Including Illegal Surveillance, Insider Trading, Mass Murder, Indecent Exposure

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-21 17:41

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS—In a fierce and heated defense of his conduct while running the world’s largest and most respected social media company, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum rebuked 480,000 International Criminal Court charges in testimony Thursday, including illegal surveillance, insider trading, mass murder,…

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Report: Your Father Currently Typing ‘Naked Women’ Into Yahoo Images Search Bar

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-21 17:27

JANESVILLE, IA—Indicating that this happens at least once a week, a report released Thursday confirmed that your father is currently typing the words “naked women” into the Yahoo images search bar. According to sources, the man who raised you is, at this very moment, sitting in a darkened home office, using both…

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Onion Social Users Applaud Bravery Of CEO Persevering Against Falsehood, Libel

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-21 16:48

Users of the robust Onion Social community have come together to applaud CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum’s courage in standing strong in the face of libelous criticism leveled at him from the media and world governments. What do you think?

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Report: Make It Stop 

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-21 16:28

EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Thursday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too…

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Onion Social CEO Appears Before Hague Tribunal To Be Tried For Crimes Against Humanity, Promote New Website Features

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-21 15:49

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS—Called before the International Criminal Court to address charges of breaching the Geneva Conventions as well as to publicize the game-changing innovations his website has recently introduced, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum appeared before a Hague tribunal Thursday to be tried for crimes…

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Stock Market Plunges Ahead Of Onion Social Hague Trial

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-21 15:06

Interested in joining the social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.

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Immigrant Children Terrified At Ghastly Visage Of La Llorona In Detention Center

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-21 14:44

This example of peerless reportage comes to you from Onion Social News. Onion Social News gives users access to the finest algorithmically-selected journalism, controlling what you see and when you see it for the betterment of humanity and beyond. To learn more, click here.

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Onion Social CEO Caught By Law Enforcement At Miami Airport With $800,000 In Cash

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-21 13:48

MIAMI—Spitting at photographers while he was escorted away in handcuffs, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum was apprehended by law enforcement at Miami International Airport on Thursday carrying approximately $800,000 in cash. “The suspect was taken into custody at approximately 6 a.m. while attempting to board a…

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Recently Uncovered Passage From Book Of Revelation Shows That Prophet Foresaw ‘Violent Reign Of Red-Headed Boy-King’

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-21 12:28

PATMOS, GREECE—In a stunning discovery that has Biblical scholars across the world racing for an interpretation, archaeologists from the University of Cambridge found a hitherto unseen passage from the Book of Revelation Thursday in which the prophet John of Patmos foresaw the “violent reign of the red-headed…

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Onion Social CEO Announces Changes To Site’s Privacy Policy

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-21 12:06

Interested in joining the social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.

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Onion Social Staff Physician Concludes Website Not To Blame For Mass User Illness

The Onion - Thu, 2018-06-21 11:45

Onion Social staff physician Harold P. Zweibel definitively concluded that the website is not to blame for mass outbreaks of user illness, putting to bed rumors created by its detractors. What do you think?

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