The Onion

Philharmonic Orchestra Conductor Receives 8-Concert Suspension For Using Corked Baton

The Onion - Wed, 2022-06-15 08:00

BOSTON—An investigation into the musician’s suspiciously powerful work concluded Tuesday as Boston Philharmonic Orchestra conductor William Ness reportedly received an eight-concert suspension for using a corked baton. “We have a zero-tolerance policy against cheating, and Mr. Ness knew that, which is why we believe…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Kidnapper Surprised Pulling Out Hostage’s Fingernails Didn’t End Stockholm Syndrome

The Onion - Wed, 2022-06-15 08:00

AUGUSTA, ME—Describing his astonishment after violently torturing his victim for hours on end Wednesday, a local kidnapper said he was shocked that pulling out his captive’s fingernails had not ended the man’s Stockholm syndrome. “Jeez, what do I have to do to keep this guy from smiling at me like I’m his best friend?…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Two M&M Factory Workers Rescued After Falling Into Chocolate-Filled Vat

The Onion - Wed, 2022-06-15 08:00

Two maintenance workers were rescued by firefighters after falling into a partially filled chocolate tank at a Mars Wrigley factory in Pennsylvania. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Jennifer Hudson Achieves EGOT Status

The Onion - Tue, 2022-06-14 15:32

Jennifer Hudson has won a Tony award for coproducing this year’s Best Musical winner, A Strange Loop, earning her the elite EGOT status, a distinction held by any artist who has won an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and a Tony Award in their career. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Study: Inflation Forcing More Americans To Choose Between Buying Groceries, Aston Martin DBS

The Onion - Tue, 2022-06-14 15:00

WASHINGTON—Revealing the punishing extent to which consumers were feeling the strain of rising prices, a new study from the Pew Research Center found Tuesday that inflation was forcing more Americans to choose between buying groceries or an Aston Martin DBS. “With the prices of supermarket staples like milk and bread…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Nature Made Releases New Melatonin Formula Promising 40% Fewer Spider Nightmares

The Onion - Tue, 2022-06-14 12:08

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to win over insomnia sufferers worried about side effects, dietary supplement brand Nature Made introduced a new melatonin formula Tuesday that promises 40% fewer nightmares in which horrible writhing spiders cover every surface in the room and cannot be escaped. “With this new…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘Jeopardy!’ Contestant On Long Winning Streak Only Has Dark Anecdotes Left To Share

The Onion - Tue, 2022-06-14 08:00

CULVER CITY, CA—After weeks of stories about how he likes to restore vintage Pontiacs, proposed to his fiancée with a message on the Yankee Stadium scoreboard, and once met Nick Nolte on an airplane, a 16-game winning streak reportedly left a Jeopardy! contestant with nothing but dark anecdotes to share Tuesday. “It…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Experimental Cancer Drug Sees 100% Success Rate In Clinical Trial

The Onion - Tue, 2022-06-14 08:00

A small clinical trial testing the experimental drug dostarlimab saw 100% of rectal cancer cases go into remission, with oncologists saying the unprecedented results have the potential of being a huge step forward in cancer research. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Americans Explain Why They Oppose Abolishing The Police

The Onion - Tue, 2022-06-14 08:00

“If I get mugged, I need to call someone who can show up afterward and tell me it was a damn shame.”

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Politician Supports Right Of Protesters To Assemble Anywhere SUV Can Plow Through Them

The Onion - Tue, 2022-06-14 08:00

WASHINGTON—In response to the continuing debate over the ethics of public demonstration, Rep. Lyle Goodrich (R-CA) told reporters Wednesday that he supports the right of protesters to assemble anywhere an SUV can plow through them. “Americans absolutely have the right to make their voices heard in public spaces where…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

U-Haul Full Of White Supremacists Planning Riot At Pride Event Arrested

The Onion - Mon, 2022-06-13 14:28

Idaho police officers arrested 31 people affiliated with the white naitonalist group Patriot Front on charges of conspiracy to riot after they were discovered packed into the back of a U-Haul truck with riot gear on the way to a nearby Pride event. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Belly Fact: Did You Know?

The Onion - Mon, 2022-06-13 14:17
Categories: The Onion

HGTV Stars Reveal How They Cut Corners Behind The Scenes

The Onion - Mon, 2022-06-13 14:00

HGTV makes home renovations look fast, easy, and fun, but the truth is, they have a dark side. The Onion asked the network’s stars how they cut corners behind the scenes, and this is what they said.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Ant Out Of Its Fucking Mind If It Thinks It Getting Any Of Man’s Pie

The Onion - Mon, 2022-06-13 08:38

HOLLY, MI—Pulling his plate back from the approaching insect, local picnicker Mike Hansen told an ant Monday that it was out of its fucking mind if it thought it was getting any of his pie. “Excuse me, what the hell do you think you’re doing?” Hansen said to the ant that paused slightly at the man’s movement before…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

New Department Of Energy Program Incentivizes Pedestrians, Cyclists To Switch To Electric Vehicles

The Onion - Mon, 2022-06-13 08:00

WASHINGTON—In keeping with its mission to address the nation’s environmental challenges, the Department of Energy introduced a new program Monday that provides pedestrians and cyclists with economic incentives to switch to electric vehicles. “As the effects of climate change worsen, we can no longer rely upon…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion
Syndicate content