The Onion

Sean McVay Reveals Bill Belichick Occasionally Texted Him Photos Of Dead Animals After Games

The Onion - Tue, 2019-01-29 15:37

ATLANTA—Calling the correspondence enlightening and a “window into his mind,” Rams head coach Sean McVay told reporters Tuesday that Bill Belichick occasionally texted him photos of dead animals after regular season games. “It’s always great when a legend like coach Belichick reaches out to you with a picture of a…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Report: Mueller Investigation Nearly Done With First Day Of Trump Campaign

The Onion - Tue, 2019-01-29 14:18

WASHINGTON—Confirming that the special counsel’s probe into potential Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election had made significant progress, sources in the Justice Department revealed to reporters Tuesday that Robert Mueller’s investigation was nearly done with the first day of the Trump campaign.…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Older Cafeteria Monitor Not A Teacher Or Parent Or Anything

The Onion - Tue, 2019-01-29 14:14

DENVER, CO—Finding themselves unable to explain the mystery woman’s presence in the lunchroom, grade-school sources confirmed Tuesday that older cafeteria monitor Esther Lowry was not a teacher or parent or anything. “Mrs. Makings volunteers in our classroom sometimes because she’s Josh’s mom, but Mrs. Lowry is here…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘Follow Your Instructions, This Is All Part Of The Plan,’ Hisses Richard Nixon Tattoo Protruding From Roger Stone’s Back

The Onion - Tue, 2019-01-29 13:18

WASHINGTON—Imploring its host to stay strong despite his recent arrest, the tattooed visage of Richard Nixon on Roger Stone’s back reportedly hissed “follow the instructions, this is all part of the greater plan” after the former Trump advisor appeared in federal court Tuesday morning. “Faithful Roger, obedient Roger,…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Sequel To Original ‘Ghostbusters’ Being Made

The Onion - Tue, 2019-01-29 11:41

Sony Pictures is planning a direct sequel to the 1984 science-fiction comedy Ghostbusters, ignoring the 2016 all-female reboot. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Disney Announces ‘Kingdom Hearts III’ Will Feature Ernest, Turner, Hooch, And All The Rest Of Your Favorite Touchstone Pictures Characters

The Onion - Tue, 2019-01-29 11:30

BURBANK, CA—Upon the release of the much-awaited third installment of the popular video game franchise, the Walt Disney Company announced Tuesday that Kingdom Hearts III would feature Ernest, Turner, Hooch, and all the rest of your favorite Touchstone Pictures characters. “In addition to incorporating elements from…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Man Losing Respect For Incompetent Boss Who Won’t Fire Him

The Onion - Tue, 2019-01-29 11:22

BOULDER, CO—Claiming that anyone with even a little bit of pride in their company would have dismissed such a terrible employee by now, telemarketer David Baker, 29, said Tuesday that he was losing respect for the “obviously incompetent” boss who continues not to fire him. “He called me into his office about a month…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Nuclear, Climate Threats Keep Doomsday Clock Close To Midnight

The Onion - Mon, 2019-01-28 19:17

The Doomsday Clock, created by the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists as an indicator of the risk of doomsday, remained at two minutes to midnight this year due to significant threats of nuclear warfare and climate change. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

USDA Just Doing Quick Smell Tests To Inspect All The Backlogged Meat That Piled Up During Shutdown

The Onion - Mon, 2019-01-28 18:20

WASHINGTON—With the federal government back open this week, food safety officials at the U.S. Department of Agriculture reported Monday that they had begun a round of quick smell tests in order to inspect the sizeable backlog of meat that had piled up over the course of 35 days. “The shutdown put us really far behind…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Taliban Agrees To Peace Deal Despite Concerns About America’s Human-Rights Record

The Onion - Mon, 2019-01-28 17:19

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Admitting that their tentative accord to end the war in Afghanistan came with some reservations, Taliban officials announced Monday that they had agreed to a peace deal despite their concerns about America’s human-rights record. “We’re willing to come to the table to achieve a peace between our two…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

New Evidence In Murder Case Leads Authorities To Narrow Down List Of Possible Actors Who Could Play Killer

The Onion - Mon, 2019-01-28 15:59

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Saying they have begun to make significant headway in the case, law enforcement officials told reporters Monday that new evidence in an ongoing murder investigation has allowed them to narrow down the list of actors who could portray the killer in a Hollywood movie.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

340 Million Social Security Numbers Obtained By Federal Government In Massive Personal Data Breach

The Onion - Mon, 2019-01-28 14:27

WASHINGTON—In what experts confirmed represents one of the largest violations of personal privacy in the nation’s history, public advocacy agencies revealed Monday that 340 million Social Security numbers had fallen into the hands of the federal government in a massive data breach. “By exploiting critical…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Howard Schultz Considering Independent Presidential Run After Finding No Initial Support Among Any Voter Groups

The Onion - Mon, 2019-01-28 14:21

SEATTLE—Expressing concerns that Democratic and Republican parties no longer represented people like him, former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz revealed Monday that he was considering an independent presidential run after finding no initial support among any American voter groups. “The complete lack of support for my…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Local Brother-In-Law Heard You Can Make Shitload Of Money Doing That

The Onion - Mon, 2019-01-28 13:58

BOULDER, CO—Insisting that this, right now, is the moment to get in on the ground floor if you want to “make bank,” local brother-in-law Doug Mooreland recounted Monday to all available family members that he has, in fact, heard that one can make “a shitload of money” doing that. “I mean, even if you’re only, like,…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Record Number Now Consider Climate Change Personal Issue, Poll Finds

The Onion - Mon, 2019-01-28 12:18

According to a Yale and George Mason poll, more than 70 percent of Americans now feel climate change is personally important to them, a 9 percent increase from last March and a record in polling that reveals rapidly changing perspectives nationwide. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Grandma’s #MeToo Stories Fucking Horrifying

The Onion - Mon, 2019-01-28 12:15

TULSA, OK—Visibly upset by the lengthy conversation with her paternal grandmother, bistro manager Allison Boyer, 24, admitted Monday that her grandmother’s #MeToo stories of daily life as a single woman in the 1950s and ’60s were “fucking horrifying.” “All I did was ask her about what her life was like before she met…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion
Syndicate content