The Onion

Dangerous Knowledge: Jerry Seinfeld Has Gone Insane After Attaining Complete Understanding Of The Deal With Dry Cleaning

The Onion - Tue, 2018-10-30 10:26

There are some truths that are best left unknown, horrific secrets that will shatter any mind that dares to learn them, and, tragically, one of the world’s most beloved comedians has precipitated his own undoing in pursuit of such forbidden knowledge: Jerry Seinfeld has gone completely insane after attaining full…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Megyn Kelly Out At NBC

The Onion - Mon, 2018-10-29 20:57

Megyn Kelly will depart NBC just 48 hours after the host made remarks in which she defended Halloween costumes that included blackface in a deal that will reportedly net the anchor $69 million due to her non-break agreement with the network. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

CDC: One-Third Of Americans Eat Fast Food Every Day

The Onion - Mon, 2018-10-29 17:29

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that on any day in America, about one-third of adults eat fast food, with younger Americans among the most likely to engage in this unhealthy lifestyle. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Coleman Unveils New Slowly Leaking Air Mattress For House Guests Who Won’t Take A Hint

The Onion - Mon, 2018-10-29 15:26

WICHITA, KS—Touting their new product as a necessary innovation in short-stay accommodations, camping and portable sleeping gear manufacturer Coleman unveiled the SinkRest this Monday, an air mattress featuring built-in gradual leaks for house guests who refuse to take a hint. “We’ve specifically designed this…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

New Study Shows Majority Of Late Afternoon Sleepiness At Work Caused By Undetected Carbon Monoxide Leak

The Onion - Mon, 2018-10-29 14:41

WASHINGTON—Investigating a sudden uptick in nationwide on-the-job somnolence, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration released a study Monday showing that the majority of late afternoon sleepiness in the American workplace is in fact caused by an undetected carbon monoxide leak. “Our…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Trump Slams Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy For Not Doing More To Prevent Synagogue Shooting

The Onion - Mon, 2018-10-29 14:33

WASHINGTON—In the aftermath of a shooting at a Pittsburgh synagogue that left 11 people dead, President Donald Trump reportedly slammed the worldwide Jewish conspiracy Monday for not doing more to prevent the violent attack. “I condemn in the strongest possible terms the shadowy global cabal of Jewish people who,…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Man Doesn’t Get Why People Waste Money On Therapist When They Could Just Emotionally Crush Girlfriend

The Onion - Mon, 2018-10-29 14:30

BOLINGBROOK, IL—Explaining that seeking professional psychological help was a big scam when there were better, cheaper alternatives, local man Justin Treanor told reporters Monday that he doesn’t understand why people waste money on a therapist when they could just emotionally crush their girlfriend. “A therapist can…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

MTA Unveils $28 Billion Plan To Renovate Subway Masturbators

The Onion - Mon, 2018-10-29 13:10

NEW YORK—In what many are calling a long-awaited overhaul to New York’s underground network of flashers, perverts, and yankers, the Metropolitan Transportation Authority unveiled a $28 billion plan Monday to renovate their citywide fleet of subway masturbators. “This incredible initiative will bring new life to the…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘Fox & Friends’ Denounces Bombing Suspect As Overenthusiastic Fan Whose Heart Basically In Right Place

The Onion - Mon, 2018-10-29 13:04

NEW YORK—Taking a moment from their morning broadcast to castigate Cesar Soyec, the man accused with mailing out explosives to numerous prominent Democrats and Trump critics, Fox & Friends hosts denounced the bombing suspect Monday as an overenthusiastic fan whose heart was basically in the right place. “This…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘It’s Like You’re Hearing Me But You’re Not Listening To Me,’ Says Man To Representative On Oscar Mayer Customer Service Hotline

The Onion - Mon, 2018-10-29 12:52

BUFFALO GROVE, IL—Emphasizing that communication was a “two-way street,” local man Thomas Ross expressed concern Monday that he was being heard, but not listened to by a representative taking his call on the Oscar Mayer customer service hotline. “I just keep talking and talking, and it’s like you’re not even listening…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Queen Elizabeth Hides Out In Bushes To Catch Whoever Keeps Stealing Packages From Buckingham Palace Porch

The Onion - Mon, 2018-10-29 12:47

LONDON—Her royal eye trained on the building entrance in careful anticipation of potential parcel thieves, Queen Elizabeth II reportedly concealed herself in the shrubbery Monday in order to apprehend whoever was stealing the packages from the Buckingham Palace porch. “Just last week, I ordered the loveliest FitBit…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

The Onion - Mon, 2018-10-29 12:39

PITTSBURGH—In the hours following a violent rampage in Pennsylvania in which a lone attacker killed 11 individuals and seriously injured six others, including four police officers, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Saturday that there was no way…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Report: Average American Spends 25% Of Life Waiting In Line At Cell Phone Store

The Onion - Mon, 2018-10-29 11:35

STANFORD, CA—Researchers from Stanford University published the results of an alarming report Tuesday that confirmed the average American spends roughly 25 percent of their life waiting in line at a cell phone store. “Our analysis found that most people spend about 20 to 25 years of their lives waiting to be helped by…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Incredibly Sad: This Guy Got His College Diploma Framed

The Onion - Mon, 2018-10-29 10:59

Buckle up, because this story about Tim Lansen of Oakland, CA is going to be a real downer: Tim got his college diploma professionally framed.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Sunday School Teacher Can Already Tell Which Ones Going To Hell

The Onion - Sun, 2018-10-28 11:00

LANGHORNE, PA—Saying that she could sense Satan within them the moment they walked through the door, Sunday school teacher Elizabeth Reath told reporters this weekend that she could already tell which of her students at First Baptist Church of Langhorne were going to Hell. “At this point in my career, I can tell just…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Slug Just Taking It Easy Today

The Onion - Sat, 2018-10-27 10:00
Categories: The Onion

‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ Released

The Onion - Fri, 2018-10-26 17:59

The highly anticipated new installment of the popular Red Dead Redemption series, hailed by some reviewers as the most realistic open-world video game ever made, went on sale today. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion
Syndicate content