The Onion

National Grandpa Council Allocates $300 Million To Provide Each American Some Walkin’ Around Money

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-12 10:39

WASHINGTON—Urging citizens not to spend it all in one place, the National Grandpa Council announced Tuesday a plan to allocate $300 million to provide each American with some walkin’ around money. “We heard you all have been working very hard lately, so we thought you deserved a few clams to treat yourselves to…

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Coronavirus Assumed White House Would Be Bigger In Person

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-12 09:01

WASHINGTON—Underwhelmed by the cramped bathrooms and overly crowded seating areas, sources close to the coronavirus confirmed Tuesday that it had always assumed the White House would be bigger in person. “When you think White House, you think of this grand place where the most powerful person in the world lives, but…

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9 MUST-FOLLOW Al-Qaeda Leaders On Twitter

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-12 09:00

Khalid al-Habib (@The_REAL_KhalidAlHabib): A big name in social media circles as well as the Afghan war front, al-Qaeda’s top field commander is known for his ongoing Twitter feuds with moderate Shiites, the Muslim Brotherhood, and the 9/11 Truth movement.

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FDA Approved First Birth Control Pill 60 Years Ago This Week

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-12 08:54

This week marks 60 years since the FDA approved Enovid-10, the first oral contraceptive for women, though contraceptives were not legally available to married women in all states until 1965 and unmarried women until 1972. What do you think?

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Health Experts Say Coronavirus Originated In Promiscuous Bat Who Slept Around A Lot

The Onion - Tue, 2020-05-12 08:51

Like, a lot a lot. We’ve got the latest on the complex contact tracing that has lead scientist to conclude Covid-19 may have started with this bat who was fucking anything it could find.

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3 Coronavirus Task Force Members To Self-Quarantine

The Onion - Mon, 2020-05-11 16:40

Dr. Anthony Fauci, CDC director Robert Redfield, and FDA commissioner Stephen Hahn will each quarantine for 14 days following possible “low grade” exposure to a White House staffer who tested positive for coronavirus. What do you think?

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Stephen Miller Reassures Sick Wife He Knows What It Looks Like When Woman Dying

The Onion - Mon, 2020-05-11 16:38

WASHINGTON—In an effort to comfort his spouse that her coronavirus symptoms hadn’t progressed to a more serious stage, White House senior adviser Stephen Miller reassured his sick wife Katie Waldman Monday that he knows what it looks like when a woman is dying. “Honey, I know you’re not feeling well and things can be…

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‘The Last Dance’ Director Defends Creative Choice To Flash Forward To 2046

The Onion - Mon, 2020-05-11 15:40

LOS ANGELES—Referring to the stark time-jump as the right way to cap his comprehensive portrait of Michael Jordan’s final championship, The Last Dance director Jason Hehir defended his creative choice Monday to conclude the documentary by flash-forwarding to the year 2046. “I hear people’s frustrations, but we wanted…

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All Man’s Fun Facts From Eisenhower Biography From Prologue

The Onion - Mon, 2020-05-11 13:46

WILMINGTON, NC—Confirming suspicions the man had yet to make it past the book’s 16-page prefatory material, sources reported Monday that all the fun facts about Dwight D. Eisenhower shared by local father Andrew Keller had come from the prologue of the biography he began reading several weeks ago. “Did you know they…

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Trump Blames Nation’s Susceptibility To Coronavirus Outbreak On Weakness Of America’s Race-Muddled Gene Pool

The Onion - Mon, 2020-05-11 12:11

WASHINGTON—In an effort to explain the rising U.S. death toll, President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that he blamed the nation’s susceptibility to coronavirus on the weakness of America’s race-muddled gene pool. “It’s sad to say, but decades of rampant miscegenation have watered down our superior genetics to…

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Man Can’t Wait For Quarantine To End So He Can Finally Take Shower Again

The Onion - Mon, 2020-05-11 11:25

PEABODY, MA—Noting that it had been months since he had been able to feel truly clean, local man Evan Kornhauser told reporters Monday that he could not wait for the quarantine to end so that he could finally shower again. “Everyone has to make sacrifices, I know, but I have to admit that I’ve really missed bathing…

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Flashback! 8 Mind-Blowing Photos Of Jessica Alba Before She Was Famous

The Onion - Mon, 2020-05-11 11:09

Everyone recognizes Jessica Alba from her extensive work in television and on the silver screen, but did you know that long before the Hollywood bombshell made it big in the entertainment world she was actually Husrev Tevetoğlu, an elderly Turkish man?

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Health Officials Warn Mysterious Voice Calling For People To Come Out And Play In Middle Of Night Could Be Coronavirus

The Onion - Mon, 2020-05-11 10:24

Social distancing restrictions may be loosening around the country, but health officials are warning we may not be completely out of the woods yet. We’ve got everything you need to know about that ethereal voice outside your window humming in the moonlight.

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