The Onion

Ohio Law Mandates Rape Victims Send Thank You Notes For Gift Of Parenthood

The Onion - Fri, 2022-04-29 12:45

COLUMBUS, OH—Eliciting both outrage and acclaim from each side of the political aisle, Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine (R) signed a new law Friday mandating that rape victims send thank you notes to perpetrators for the gift of parenthood. “Parenthood is God’s gift to these women, so it’s only polite that sexual assault victims…

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Best Ways To Make Friends As An Adult

The Onion - Fri, 2022-04-29 11:30

Trust us, it’s way better just to die alone. Here are the most effective ways to make friends as an adult.

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New York Public Library Makes Banned Books Available Nationwide For Free

The Onion - Fri, 2022-04-29 08:00

New York City’s Brooklyn Public Library announced a new initiative against growing censorship and book bans that provides young readers in the U.S. with free library cards to access its full eBook and audiobook collection. What do you think?

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McCarthy Audio Reveals Trump Acknowledged Responsibility For Capitol Attack

The Onion - Thu, 2022-04-28 15:09

House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy told Republican lawmakers in a leaked audio recording of a private conference call that then-President Donald Trump had admitted some responsibility for the deadly attack at the Capitol, which he denied until the audio became public. What do you think?

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Congress Passes $33 Billion Bill To Send War-Torn Ukraine Free Community College

The Onion - Thu, 2022-04-28 15:00

WASHINGTON—In response to continued Russian aggression in Eastern Europe, Congress unanimously passed a $33 billion bill to send war-torn Ukraine free community college. “As Putin’s forces encircle the Donbas region, this free community college tuition will be vital to preparing the Ukrainians for the economy of…

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Overly Cautious Pregnant Woman Only Going To Ride Roller Coaster 6 Or 7 Times

The Onion - Thu, 2022-04-28 13:50

SANDUSKY, OH—Though reasoning that it was unlikely such a slight indulgence would affect her fetus this late in the term, local pregnant woman Rachel Mandross announced Thursday that she would rather be overly cautious and only ride a roller coaster at Cedar Point amusement park six or seven more times. “I don’t want…

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The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Travel In Comfort And Style

The Onion - Thu, 2022-04-28 13:38

Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off of these…

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Nation’s Older Cousins Announce Plans To Whip Butterfly Knives Around In The Woods

The Onion - Thu, 2022-04-28 12:25

DELAWARE, OH—Stating that they were tired of their stupid family gathering and wanted to go do something cool, the nation’s older cousins reportedly announced plans Thursday to whip butterfly knives around in the woods. “Beginning around 3 p.m. EST and extending until it’s dark, we’ll be in the clearing whipping the…

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Yankees Attribute Offensive Slump To Terrified Hitters Closing Eyes During Swing

The Onion - Thu, 2022-04-28 12:20

NEW YORK—Responding to criticism about the team’s slow start to the 2022 season, New York Yankees manager Aaron Boone attributed the team’s offensive slump Thursday to terrified hitters closing their eyes during swings. “What reporters and fans have to understand is that the ball comes at our guys very fast, and…

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Harvard Pledges $100 Million To Atone For Role In Slavery

The Onion - Thu, 2022-04-28 08:00

Harvard University has announced it will spend $100 million to research and atone for its extensive ties with slavery, including plans to identify and support the descendants of enslaved people who labored at the Ivy League campus. What do you think?

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Horrific Jan. 6 Texts That You’ll Have To Learn About In Our Forthcoming Tell-All Book

The Onion - Thu, 2022-04-28 08:00

Just so you know, everyone featured in our books signed iron-clad NDAs, so if they spill before our book release, our lawyers will absolutely sue them and everyone they’ve ever loved into oblivion. No one, and we mean no one, is breaking this news but us.

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Donald Trump Held In Contempt In New York Attorney General Inquiry

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-27 15:11

A New York judge has held Donald Trump in contempt and fined him $10,000 a day, following the former president’s failure to hand over documents to prosecutors investigating his business practices. What do you think?

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New Raid Pest Control Kit Fat Shames Ants Into Starving Themselves

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-27 15:00

RACINE, WI—Touting the product’s ability to mentally and physically destroy insects via their deepest insecurities, Raid unveiled a new Confidence Killer pest control kit Thursday that fat shames ants into starving themselves. “With Raid’s new body dysmorphia kit, otherwise beautiful ants will hate their appearance so…

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Most Dangerous Parts Of Attending A Music Festival

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-27 14:32

If you die at a music festival, you die in real life. Here are the most dangerous things concert-goers should watch out for this year.

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Man Wonders If Tambourine Player Actually That Happy In Real Life

The Onion - Wed, 2022-04-27 11:05

MINNEAPOLIS—Pondering aloud about the performer’s upbeat, cheery nature, local man James Webber, 34, reportedly wondered Wednesday if the tambourine player in the band he was watching was actually that happy in real life. “Look at that huge smile on her face while she just hits that tambourine and taps her foot, you…

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