The Onion

Syndicate content
America's Finest News Source.
Updated: 2 hours 37 min ago

Inslee Releases $9 Trillion Climate Plan

Sat, 2019-05-18 10:31

Jay Inslee, the governor of Washington and a 2020 Democratic presidential candidate, rolled out the second plank of his climate change plan, pledging to achieve carbon neutrality by 2045 and add 8 million jobs to the U.S. economy. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

The History Of Robocalls

Fri, 2019-05-17 15:56

There were more than 48 billion robocalls across the country in 2018, a nearly 50% increase from the previous year, continuing a frustrating practice that’s endured for decades. The Onion looks back at the history of robocalls.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Adam Gase To Play All 22 Positions After Pushing Out Entire Jets Team

Fri, 2019-05-17 15:52

NEW YORK—Cleaning house after a dispute over the direction the team has taken this offseason, New York Jets head coach and interim general manager Adam Gase announced plans Friday to play all 22 positions on the field next season after pushing out the entire roster. “Coach Gase felt that the franchise needed a fresh…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

World Rejoices As Grumpy Cat And Her Shitty Attitude Dead Forever

Fri, 2019-05-17 14:49

MORRISTOWN, AZ—Pouring into the streets to celebrate the passing of the viral internet sensation, the entire world populace let out a cheer upon learning Grumpy Cat and her shitty attitude had finally died and would stay dead forever, sources confirmed Friday. “Thank God we don’t have to deal with that asshole cat and…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Bleeding John Bolton Stumbles Into Capitol Building Claiming That Iran Shot Him

Fri, 2019-05-17 13:43

WASHINGTON—Bursting through the Congressional chamber doors while moaning and clutching his shoulder, John Bolton reportedly stumbled into the Capitol building Friday claiming that he’d been shot by Iran. “Help, help, I’ve just been attacked by a large Middle Eastern country around 636,000 square miles in size,” said…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Michael Wolff Finishes Sequel To ‘Fire And Fury’

Fri, 2019-05-17 13:30

Author Michael Wolff has finished another document of the current White House administration titled Siege: Trump Under Fire, promising an equally “essential and explosive” account as its predecessor, Fire And Fury. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘Game Of Thrones’ Showrunners Disappointed With How Quality Of Fans Has Dropped Off Over Past Couple Seasons

Fri, 2019-05-17 11:08

LOS ANGELES—Saying their once-beloved viewers have lost much of their luster in recent years, Game Of Thrones showrunners D.B. Weiss and David Benioff acknowledged Friday they have been frustrated with the way fans of the HBO series have declined in quality over the past few seasons. “During the show’s first couple of…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Excited Archaeologists Hit Mass Grave Jackpot

Fri, 2019-05-17 08:26

NIMRUD, IRAQ—Popping open a bottle of champagne and dancing with a mummified corpse in celebration, Smithsonian Institution archeologist Dr. Kathleen Roberts confessed she was “excited as all hell” Thursday after “hitting the mass grave jackpot” in northern Iraq. “Booyah! I mean, seriously, fuck yeah—we’re rolling in…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Friends Place Memorial On Section Of Six Flags Roller Coaster Track Where Guest Died

Fri, 2019-05-17 08:18

VALENCIA, CA—Solemnly braving the 230-foot heights of the steel roller coaster while carrying bouquets of flowers, framed photographs, and personal letters, friends of recently deceased Jeff Brinkley placed a memorial at the exact spot on the Six Flags Viper ride Thursday where their companion met his untimely and…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Arizona Legalizes Nunchucks

Fri, 2019-05-17 08:18

Arizona Governor Doug Ducey signed a bill this week removing nunchucks from a list of prohibited weapons that includes bombs, gun silencers, and automatic firearms, saying they pose less of a threat than a baseball bat. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Bugs Bunny Explains How LeBron Helped Him Get Sober For Role In ‘Space Jam’ Sequel

Fri, 2019-05-17 08:08

BURBANK, CA—Saying he wanted to thank the four-time NBA MVP for encouraging him to put his dangerous party days behind him, famed Looney Tunes star Bugs Bunny described Thursday how his friend LeBron James helped him get sober for their appearance together in the forthcoming Space Jam sequel.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Alabama Effectively Bans Abortion

Thu, 2019-05-16 16:43

The Alabama Senate approved a law effectively banning abortions without exception, setting up a fight that could decide the fate of Roe v. Wade. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

They Did it Again: During Wednesday’s Nintendo Direct The Company Announced The Beauty Of A Rose

Thu, 2019-05-16 15:11

Fans have been eagerly looking forward to yesterday’s Nintendo Direct, and it was worth the wait. During the online presentation, Nintendo announced the beauty of a rose, the delicate splendor of each crimson petal, the poetry of its elegant stem.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

BREAKING: Situation Worsens In Venezuela, Bolivia, U.S., Japan, Mexico, Iraq, Spain

Thu, 2019-05-16 13:22

WASHINGTON—Confirming recent reports of conditions approaching crisis levels, sources across the globe revealed Thursday that the situation continues to worsen in Venezuela, Bolivia, the United States, Japan, Mexico, Iraq, and Spain, in addition to South Sudan, India, Gabon, Indonesia, Vietnam, and Saudi Arabia. “What…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Woman Walking Alone At Night Picks Up Pace After Spotting Truck Full Of Alabama Lawmakers Slowly Following Her

Thu, 2019-05-16 12:33

MONTGOMERY, AL—Quickening her pace as the vehicle flashed its brights, Alabama woman Alison Kyles, 29, reportedly hurried towards home Thursday after spotting a pickup truck full of Alabama lawmakers slowly following her. “At first, I thought I was just being paranoid when I saw that old Chevy full of state…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Pfizer Denies Encouraging Drug Abuse By Packaging Fentanyl With Cooking Spoon, Lighter

Thu, 2019-05-16 12:21

NEW YORK—In an effort to address the growing controversy surrounding widespread non-medical use of their products, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer released a statement Thursday categorically denying that packaging fentanyl with cooking spoons and lighters should be interpreted as an encouragement of drug abuse. “This…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

How To Avoid Spoilers

Thu, 2019-05-16 11:30
Categories: The Onion

‘New York Times’ Rehires Judith Miller To Cover Escalating Iran Tensions

Thu, 2019-05-16 11:18

NEW YORK—In a press release heralding the latest addition to its masthead, The New York Times announced Thursday it had rehired Judith Miller to cover the Trump administration’s escalating tensions with Iran. “The experience Ms. Miller brings to bear is unmatched, and we’re confident and excited to welcome her back to…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion