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The Onion
Updated: 26 min 44 sec ago

Ringling Bros. Circus Shuts Down

Tue, 2017-05-23 18:17

After 146 years, the “Greatest Show on Earth” came to an end this week as the Ringling Bros. Circus gave its final performance. What do you think?

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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

Tue, 2017-05-23 16:13

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican. “God bless you, Mr. Trump!” said Vincenzo Endrizzi, an ordained pastor from the blue-collar Southern archdiocese of Lecce, who was clad in a well-worn cassock dirtied from spending hard hours leading worship and who was seen sipping sacramental wine from a koozie while holding up a handmade sign denouncing the “Holy See deep state.” “We need leaders like you to take on the blasphemous bureaucrats. We’ll get rid of this cuck pope real quick and put a maverick in the papal apartment!” At press time ...

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

Tue, 2017-05-23 14:03

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners. “Gosh, I just hope I don’t say anything stupid to them,” said Bell, who was reportedly concerned about coming off as too eager to talk as well as running out of things to say, especially when interacting with some of the league’s more veteran players. “Am I supposed to talk about the game, or are we supposed to discuss other stuff? I don’t want to seem overly friendly, but I also don’t want to seem like an idiot by acting tough or whatever. Maybe I’ll just play it cool and not say anything.” At press time, Bell was mentally berating himself for blurting out “nice hit ...

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We’re Running Out Of Time If We Still Want To Kill And Eat Jane Goodall

Tue, 2017-05-23 13:43

There’s something I’ve been meaning to bring up for a while now. I know we’ve talked about it over the years, but we’ve let ourselves get sidetracked from it for too long, and to be honest, the clock is ticking. If we don’t want the opportunity to slip away, we need to act soon. We simply don’t have a whole lot of time left if we’re really serious about killing and eating Jane Goodall.

Look, Jane’s not getting any younger, and she doesn’t come around as often as she used to. We probably don’t have that many chances left. And what are we waiting for anyway? How long have we been saying that one of these days when she least expects it, we’re all going to pounce on her and then feast upon her flesh? Well, that’s not ...

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God Wedges Another Cherub Beneath Leg To Level Wobbly Throne

Tue, 2017-05-23 11:22

THE HEAVENS—Upon discovering His shining celestial throne had again begun to wobble beneath Him, God the Father, Creator of Heaven and Earth, reportedly attempted to level it out Tuesday by shoving another cherub under one of its legs. According to sources, The Lord grabbed one of the angelic beings circling above Him in the firmament by its wing and wedged it beneath His celestial seat’s front right leg, where two cherubim were already serving as shims. Realizing He required still more thickness beneath the leg to keep the throne from rocking back and forth every time He shifted His weight, God reportedly removed the cherub and folded it in half before reinserting it. At press time, reports confirmed the throne was still unsteady, and The Almighty had begun to suspect that it just needed to be placed on a more level cloud.

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The Cure For What Ailes Him

Tue, 2017-05-23 11:02
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Who Are The Deeply Disturbed Individuals In Trump’s Inner Circle?

Tue, 2017-05-23 10:41

The documents referred to in this editorial are part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistleblower in the White House. All of these documents can be found here.

The editorial board of The Onion continues to work around the clock forcing its cramped basement of illegal migrant laborers to sift through page after page of classified White House documents. And as more and more information is pieced together, one stark truth has emerged again and again: Each and every one of President Trump’s closest advisors and confidants is psychologically disturbed in some profound and perverse way.

Let’s first turn to the peculiar fixations of Vice President Mike Pence, who appears uninterested in carrying out the prescribed functions of his office and more inclined to spend his time critiquing his pastor’s sermons for emphasizing the concept of love too frequently or ...

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A Primer on Elon Musk’s Business Initiatives

Tue, 2017-05-23 10:30
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 23, 2017

Tue, 2017-05-23 10:17
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Swedish Town Votes Against Paid Sex Leave

Tue, 2017-05-23 10:12

After making headlines for a proposal to grant workers paid sex breaks, the Swedish town of Overtornea voted last week to reject the law. What do you think?

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Basquiat Painting Sold For Record $110 Million

Mon, 2017-05-22 17:30

A painting of a skull by artist Jean-Michel Basquiat sold at Sotheby’s for $110.5 million, the most ever paid at auction for work by an American artist. What do you think?

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Nike Releases New Sports Bra For Wearing Directly Under Coat While Shambling Around Grocery Store

Mon, 2017-05-22 14:32

BEAVERTON, OR—Touting the undergarment as an essential item for women on the go, Nike released a new sports bra Monday designed for wearing directly under a coat while shambling around the grocery store, sources reported. “The lightweight Nike Relax Pro fits comfortably beneath any baggy hoodie or windbreaker and offers unparalleled support as you quickly run into Stop & Shop to buy Tostitos,” said Nike spokesperson Melanie Turnett, adding that the sports bra utilizes sweat-wicking material specially equipped to handle hangover-induced perspiration. “As you hurry from one aisle to the next in search of string cheese and Advil, the Relax Pro’s compression knit fabric helps reduce bounce and discomfort. Plus, the bra’s racerback straps allow for a full range of movement in the checkout line as you dig frantically through your bag to find your misplaced debit card.” Turnett added that the bra is part of Nike ...

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Guinness Releases Abridged Book Of Freaks For Readers Who Just Want The Good Stuff

Mon, 2017-05-22 13:19

VANCOUVER—Announcing its publication in response to overwhelming demand, the editors of the Guinness World Records on Wednesday released an abridged book of freaks for readers who just want the good stuff. “For this new, shortened version of our classic record book, we cut out all the bullshit athletic and attendance records and went straight for the weirdos with super-long fingernails and hair covering their entire body,” said series editor Craig Glenday of Guinness World Records: Nothing But Freaks Edition, adding that the book also eliminated the vast majority of its text in order to give readers the full-page photos of giants, bizarre skin diseases, and sisters joined at the stomach. “Forget that tallest mountain bullshit—we put that mutant with the largest-ever tumor right there on page one. Why wait for the human skeleton, the guy with way too many fingers, and that nutjob with literally a thousand facial ...

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What Is Trump Hiding?

Mon, 2017-05-22 12:42

The documents referred to in this editorial are part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistle-blower in the White House. All of these documents can be found here.

Who is Donald Trump truly? What are the private thoughts he contemplates? And how will his presidency reshape America? As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

The evidence of improper—if not outright criminal—behavior is ample, from a damning series of encrypted emails sent directly to ...

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Dennis Quaid Playing George W. Bush In Katrina Drama

Mon, 2017-05-22 10:29

“Day After Tomorrow” star Dennis Quaid will play George W. Bush in the second season of American Crime Story, which will focus on the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. What do you think?

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Trump Takes First Diplomatic Trip

Fri, 2017-05-19 15:24

President Donald Trump leaves today for an eight-day diplomatic trip to the Middle East and Europe, his first since entering office. What do you think?

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Report: Morbid Curiosity Now Accounts For 79% Of Nation’s Snack Food Purchases

Fri, 2017-05-19 14:42

ST. PAUL, MN—Identifying a clear preference for novelty above all other qualities, a report from the University of Minnesota released Friday found that morbid curiosity now accounts for 79 percent of the nation’s snack food purchases. “Whether they’re trying to figure out if a jelly bean really tastes like popcorn or what the deal is with those puffy shrimp chips that apparently are really popular in Asia, we’ve concluded that consumers buy snacks three-quarters of the time purely from an intense desire to determine whether a product corresponds with its purported flavor,” said the report’s author, Carol Souza, adding that almost 20 percent of those purchases alone were prompted by a keen interest in how biscuits-and-gravy was reduced to a potato chip coating. “Many people didn’t even seem to care whether or not the wasabi chocolate or seven-layer-dip Combos were good, only that they ...

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