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John Bolton Insists Iran Likely Harboring Dangerous Terrorist Osama Bin Laden

Thu, 2019-01-17 18:44

WASHINGTON—In an impassioned call for preemptive action against the Middle Eastern nation, United States national security advisor John Bolton insisted Thursday that Iran was likely harboring the dangerous terrorist Osama bin Laden. “For the good of our nation, we must act immediately,” said Bolton, citing several…

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‘Don’t Make Me Regret This,’ Mueller Tells Rick Gates Before Uncuffing Him To Work On Investigation Together

Thu, 2019-01-17 17:16

WASHINGTON—Advising the former political consultant not to take advantage of his goodwill, Special Counsel Robert Mueller reportedly told Rick Gates Thursday “don’t make me regret this” before uncuffing him to work on the Trump investigation together. “You’ve helped me out so far, and I appreciate that, but I’ve got…

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Pelosi Asks Trump To Delay State of the Union During Shutdown

Thu, 2019-01-17 16:47

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi asked the president to delay the State of the Union—typically scheduled for January 29—until the shutdown ends, citing security concerns and obstacles in planning. What do you think?

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Poll Finds 100% Of Americans Blame Shutdown Entirely On Colorado Representative Scott Tipton

Thu, 2019-01-17 15:29

WASHINGTON—A new Pew Research poll published Thursday revealed that 100 percent of Americans blame the United States federal government shutdown entirely on Scott Tipton (R-CO). “From the Rust Belt to the Sun Belt, across all income brackets and racial demographics, every single respondent surveyed came to the same…

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5 Things To Know About ‘Glass’

Thu, 2019-01-17 15:02
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Presumptuous Congressional Freshman Thinks She Can Just Come In And Represent Constituents

Thu, 2019-01-17 14:04

WASHINGTON—Strutting into the Capitol like she had some kind of electoral mandate, presumptuous congressional freshman Debbie Mucarsel-Powell (D-FL) thought Thursday that she could just come in and start representing her constituents. “I’m sorry, big shot, but that’s just not the way things work around here,” said…

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Ames Executives Scrambling After New Shovel Design Leaks

Thu, 2019-01-17 13:44

CAMP HILL, PA—Noting that the revamped tool was not scheduled to be unveiled for another six months, Ames executives were reportedly scrambling Thursday after designs for the new Ames 9443 Snow Shovel were leaked to the public. “The company is currently in the process of investigating how these top-secret designs were…

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Netflix Raising Prices

Thu, 2019-01-17 11:56

In its largest such increase in history, Netflix will raise prices to $13 per month on its most popular subscription plan. What do you think?

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Report: There No Way Of Knowing Whether The Vague Award Mom Won At Work A Big Deal Or What

Wed, 2019-01-16 17:22

ROXBOROUGH, PA—Wondering what kind of honor a company bestows upon a part-time clerical employee, the family of local woman Maureen Tavlin, 51, reported Wednesday there was simply no way of knowing whether the vague award their mother received at work was a big deal or what, exactly. “She got this little plate that…

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U.K. Parliament Rejects Theresa May’s Brexit Deal

Wed, 2019-01-16 17:12

In a critical blow to the prime minister, the U.K. parliament voted to reject Theresa May’s Brexit deal. What do you think?

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Fox News Debuts Premium Channel For 24-Hour Coverage Of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

Wed, 2019-01-16 16:38

NEW YORK—As part of its effort to provide the most comprehensive reporting possible on the freshman congresswoman, Fox News announced Wednesday the debut of a new premium television channel that will offer continuous, around-the-clock updates on Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY). “For an extra $8.99 per month,…

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Woman Rushes To Hide Fragile Objects, Cover Up Sharp Corners On Tables Before Boyfriend Comes Over

Wed, 2019-01-16 15:46

OMAHA, NE—Deeming her entire apartment an “accident waiting to happen,” local woman Jeanine Kratz, 29, told reporters Wednesday that she was rushing to hide any fragile objects and cover up sharp corners on tables before her boyfriend came over. “I really have to clean this place up as much as possible, because Chuck…

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4 Times In ‘Legally Blonde’ Where Reese Witherspoon Breaks Character To Explain That Women Aren’t Going To Get A Better Movie Than This For The Next 20 Years

Wed, 2019-01-16 13:40

The 2001 hit romantic comedy Legally Blonde was a heartwarming blockbuster that entertained and empowered women of all ages, and the standard it set turned out to be pretty hard to live up to. Here are four times Reese Witherspoon breaks character in Legally Blonde to explain that women aren’t going to get a better

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Photo Of Egg Breaks World Record For Most-Liked Instagram Post

Wed, 2019-01-16 11:22

An Instagram photo of an egg posted by @world_record_egg received 35 million likes, surpassing the last record holder, Kylie Jenner, to become the most-liked Instagram post in history. What do you think?

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Furloughed Government Employee Using Time Off To Visit Local Food Pantry She Been Hearing About

Wed, 2019-01-16 11:13

ROSEBURG, OR—Noting the wide variety of nonperishable items lining the shelves, furloughed government employee Sheena Enders, 38, confirmed Wednesday she was using some of the time off from her job with the U.S. Census Bureau to visit the local food pantry she had heard so much about. “I’ve driven past this place…

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