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Nation Assures Kanye West They Don’t Care Enough About ‘Donda’ For Him To Be Stressing This Much

Mon, 2021-07-26 16:20

NEW YORK—Urging the Grammy-winning rapper to take as much time as he needed on the project, the nation assured Kanye West Monday that they don’t care enough about his forthcoming album, Donda, to justify him stressing so much about trying to release it soon. “We’ll give it a spin, but look, don’t wear yourself out,”…

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Cleveland Renames Baseball Team ‘Guardians’ After Backlash

Mon, 2021-07-26 13:59

Cleveland’s Major League Baseball team announced that they will begin using the name the Guardians following the end of the 2021 season, ridding itself of its previous name which many found offensive. What do you think?

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‘That’s So They Can’t Have Sex?’ Asks Confused Olympics Viewer Staring At Volleyball Net

Mon, 2021-07-26 13:50

BUFFALO GROVE, IL—Puzzled by what they were seeing on screen, local Olympics viewer Riley Baker reportedly asked, “That’s so they can’t have sex?” Monday while staring in confusion at the volleyball net. “Uh, that doesn’t seem like it’s going to stop STDs or pregnancy, does it?” said Baker, who scoffed at the idea…

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Olympics Under Fire For Human Rights Violations After Forcing Athletes To Exert Themselves

Mon, 2021-07-26 13:45

TOKYO—In a scathing broadside that condemns the organization for glorifying physical suffering on a world stage, activists from more than 200 nations issued a statement Monday that accused the Olympics of human rights violations, citing a long history of forcing athletes to exert themselves. “Since its modern…

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Celebrities Describe The Worst Parts Of Being Famous

Mon, 2021-07-26 13:15

Being thrust into the public eye may seem like a blessing, but those who have lived it know it can also be a curse. We asked celebrities to describe the worst parts of being famous, and here is what they said.

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Olympic Mascot Explains For Hundredth Time He All Out Of Clean Urine

Mon, 2021-07-26 11:10

TOKYO—Fielding multiple inquiries from desperate athletes hoping to pass their drug tests, Olympic mascot Miraitowa reportedly explained for the hundredth time Monday that he was all out of clean urine and, for the time being, would not be able to accommodate further requests. “Sorry, buddy, but I’m completely drained…

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Scam Experts Advise Americans That IRS Will Never Try To Contact You From Beyond Earthly Realm

Mon, 2021-07-26 11:05

NEW YORK– Warning consumers to be on the lookout for deceptive communiqués, scam experts issued a statement Monday informing Americans that the IRS would never try to contact you from beyond this earthly plane. “Official communications from the government will almost never appear in the form of a bloody scrawl on…

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Alexa Introduces Masculine-Sounding Voice Option

Mon, 2021-07-26 08:00

Amazon has begun rolling out a new masculine-sounding voice option for its Alexa virtual assistant along with a new wake word “Ziggy” to trigger the device. What do you think?

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Boston Dynamics Unveils New Robots Able To Realistically Behave Like They Under Researchers’ Control

Mon, 2021-07-26 08:00

WALTHAM, MA—Touting new gains in artificial intelligence, engineering firm Boston Dynamics reportedly unveiled new robots Monday that are able to realistically behave like they’re under researchers’ control. “Our new Maverick robot is a 6-foot-tall bipedal humanoid robot that is capable of pretending that programmers…

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Great News, ‘God Of War’ Fans! A New Expansion Pack Will Allow Kratos To Teach Atreus How To Wash The Area Beneath His Foreskin

Mon, 2021-07-26 08:00

Good things come to those who wait, and that’s certainly the case with an announcement out today from Santa Monica Studio. That’s right, God Of War fans! Nearly three years after the original PlayStation 4 release, a new expansion will allow Kratos to teach his son Atreus how to wash the area beneath his foreskin.

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Dozens Of Athletes Incinerated After Being Attracted To Sight Of Glowing Olympic Flame

Fri, 2021-07-23 15:55

TOKYO—Wide-eyed and moving in a trance-like state as the bright light drew them forth, dozens of athletes were incinerated Friday during the opening ceremony of the Olympics, with reports confirming the world-class competitors were unable to resist the tantalizing glow of the Olympic flame. “It is with a heavy heart…

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U.S. Life Expectancy Sees Biggest Drop Since WWII

Fri, 2021-07-23 14:23

A new CDC study found that in 2020 the average American life expectancy fell by a year and a half due mainly to the coronavirus pandemic, with Black and Hispanic American life expectancy experiencing a far steeper decline of three years. What do you think?

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Patrolling West Bank Just Not Same Without Big Cone Of Chunky Monkey In Hand

Fri, 2021-07-23 13:40

HEBRON, WEST BANK—Lamenting the loss of his favorite summer treat, Israeli soldier Avi Berman told reporters Friday that patrolling the West Bank just wasn’t the same without a big cone of Chunky Monkey in his hand. “I used to spend all summer walking down the streets, assault rifle in one hand, big ol’ waffle cone in…

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Signs Your Significant Other Might Be Cheating On You

Fri, 2021-07-23 10:10

When it comes to infidelity, sometimes actions speak louder than words. Here are the most important signs to watch out for if you think your significant other might be cheating on you.

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Man Can Already See Difference In Body After Just One Week Of Starting To Decompose

Fri, 2021-07-23 10:05

BUTTE, MO—Impressed by how fast the changes were occurring, local man Marty Kerrig could reportedly already see the difference in his body Friday just one week after starting to decompose. “Wow, I began this process only a matter of days ago, and I’m feeling looser and more flexible and noticing a big shift in my…

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A Timeline Of U.S.–Haiti Relations

Fri, 2021-07-23 10:00

Following the assassination of Haitian president Jovenel Moïse on July 7 and the political crisis it prompted, calls for the U.S. to get more involved with Haiti also shine a light on the history of relations between the two countries. The Onion looks at key events in the timeline of U.S.–Haiti relations.

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Men’s Spending Habits Result In More Carbon Emissions Than Women’s

Fri, 2021-07-23 08:00

A new Swedish study found that men spend their money on greenhouse gas–emitting goods and services, such as meat and fuel, at a much higher rate than women. What do you think?

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