The Onion

Syndicate content
America's Finest News Source.
Updated: 2 min 51 sec ago

Ohio Offers $1 Million Lottery To Boost Vaccinations

Fri, 2021-05-14 15:48

Ohio will award five vaccinated adult residents $1 million each in a bid to address vaccine hesitancy in the state, with those eligible having received at least one dose of the Covid-19 vaccine. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Houston Authorities Scramble As Missing Tiger Disappears Into Crowd Of Tigers

Fri, 2021-05-14 15:10

HOUSTON, TX—Warning that the escaped animal was highly intelligent and a master of deceit, Houston authorities scrambled Friday when a missing tiger named India disappeared into a crowd of tigers. “After four days straight of searching for a loose bengal tiger, our search efforts hit a snag today when he cut across a…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

The Perfect Combination: ‘Mass Effect Legendary Edition’ Features ‘Mass Effect 1,’ ‘Wario Land 2,’ And ‘Mass Effect 3’

Fri, 2021-05-14 14:20

As a remake of some of the most beloved sci-fi RPGs of all time, Mass Effect Legendary Edition drew some healthy skepticism from series fans. The original titles remain timeless examples of western role-playing, making it difficult to imagine a re-release doing anything but tarnishing their legacy. Thankfully, we’re…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Biden Outlines Renewable Energy Plan To Invade Mt. Olympus And Steal Aeolus’ Bag Of Wind

Fri, 2021-05-14 13:15

WASHINGTON—Pledging to finally end America’s reliance on fossil fuels, Biden held a press conference Friday to outline the centerpiece of his renewable energy plan to invade Mt. Olympus and steal the mythic bag of wind from the God Aeolus. “We know that climate change is real, and we must combat this existential…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Young Mare Can’t Believe Stallion She Slept With Lied To Her About Being 5-2 Favorite In Preakness Stakes

Fri, 2021-05-14 11:15

BALTIMORE—Cursing herself out for ever having been so gullible, local mare Persephone couldn’t believe the stallion she slept with Friday had lied to her about being a 5-2 betting odds favorite in the Preakness Stakes. “That son of a bitch wasn’t even in the race,” said the young thoroughbred, who shook her head at a…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘Oh My God, Is That Seriously What My Voice Sounds Like?’ Says Humiliated J. Cole After Listening To New Album

Fri, 2021-05-14 11:10

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Wondering if it was too late to cancel the album rollout, a visibly humiliated J. Cole listened to The Off-Season Friday and asked, “Oh my God, is that seriously what my voice sounds like?” “I can’t believe y’all let me record a whole project without telling me to fix this,” said Cole, who assumed his…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Jordan’s Game-Used Tongue Sold For $1.38 Million At Auction

Fri, 2021-05-14 11:05


DURHAM, NC—Scooped up after a bidding war by a die-hard fan who intends to display it in his private residence, Michael Jordan’s game-used tongue sold for 1.38 million dollars at auction Friday. “We’re talking about a piece of basketball history that was an iconic part of Michael Jordan’s six championships,” said…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

History Of U.S. Politicians Being Punished By Their Own Party

Fri, 2021-05-14 11:03

On Wednesday, Republican representatives voted to strip Rep. Liz Cheney of her leadership position within the party’s House delegation, a move that represents a significant step by a political party that has precedents in U.S. history. The Onion looks back at the history of U.S. politicians being punished by their own…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Doctor Watches In Horror As Polyp Skitters In Front Of Colonoscopy Camera Just As Screen Goes Black

Fri, 2021-05-14 08:00

BALTIMORE—Slowly zooming in on the precancerous growth while it hissed and screeched, local gastroenterologist Gary Weiss reportedly watched in horror Friday as a polyp skittered in front of the colonoscopy camera just as the screen went black. “What in God’s name? That can’t be possible,” Weiss said to his medical…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Rock & Rock Hall Of Fame Announces 2021 Inductees

Fri, 2021-05-14 08:00

JAY-Z, the Go-Go’s, and Tina Turner are among this year’s Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductees, the most diverse lineup in the organization’s history. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Taco Bell Employee Has Had Far Greater Positive Impact On People’s Lives Than Firefighter Ever Could

Fri, 2021-05-14 08:00

CHICAGO—Lauding the 22-year-old for her commitment to serving her community, sources confirmed Friday that local Taco Bell employee Nicole Cortez has had a far greater positive impact on people’s lives than any firefighter ever could. “Sure, there are plenty of firefighters who have rushed into a burning building to…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘We’re So Screwed,’ Says Detroit Lions Fan After Seeing They Got Matched Up Against Other Teams Again

Thu, 2021-05-13 15:45

DETROIT—Dashing any hope he had for the upcoming season, Lions fan Paul Benson told reporters Thursday that Detroit was “so screwed” after seeing they got matched up against other teams again. “Ah, shit, this season is gonna suck,” said Benson upon realizing that the Lions would face other NFL teams multiple weeks in…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Kevin Durant Spends All Day Feuding With Own Burner Account

Thu, 2021-05-13 14:55

BROOKLYN, NY—Spinning into a days-long spat that caused the Nets forward to miss practice, league sources confirmed Kevin Durant spent all day Thursday feuding with his own burner account on social media. “At first, KD just wanted to tell his burner why he left the Warriors, but things got pretty ugly,” said Nets beat…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

GOP Removes Liz Cheney From Leadership Post

Thu, 2021-05-13 14:04

House Republicans voted to remove Rep. Liz Cheney as GOP conference chair over her opposition of former president Trump and not supporting his false claims about the presidential election being stolen. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

No One At Laser Tag Prepared For How Hard Dad Was Going To Bring It

Thu, 2021-05-13 13:25

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Reeling with surprise as the 45-year-old dove behind cover and shouted out commands to his teammates, guests at local child Chase Williamson’s laser tag birthday party confirmed Thursday that they were not prepared for how hard his dad, Larry, was going to bring it. “I figured he was just going out to…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Man Unaware Israel-Palestine Opinion Retained Verbatim From 1997 Beauty Pageant Contestant’s Answer

Thu, 2021-05-13 13:20

SACRAMENTO, CA—Engaged in a heated discussion with friends Thursday, local man Evan Staub was reportedly unaware that the long-held opinion he was voicing about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict had been retained verbatim from a 1997 Miss America contestant’s answer to a pageant interview question. “Sadly, there’s been…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Dr. Fauci: ‘There’s No Longer A Need For Statues To Wear Masks Outside’

Thu, 2021-05-13 13:11

WASHINGTON—Clarifying newly relaxed CDC guidelines, White House medical advisor Dr. Anthony Fauci told reporters Thursday that there was no longer a need for statues to wear masks outside. “The science has shown that the virus does not spread easily outdoors, so if you are a concrete statue standing at the center of a…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

DSM-5 Finally Stops Classifying Adult Disney Fandom As Form Of Psychopathy

Thu, 2021-05-13 11:30

ARLINGTON, VA—In a long-overdue move to help modernize clinical practices, the American Psychological Association announced Thursday plans to update their Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to stop classifying adult Disney fandom as a form of psychopathy. “For decades, theses…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion