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U.S. Soccer And Players Agree To Equal Pay In New Contracts

Fri, 2022-05-20 15:30

U.S. Soccer and the women’s and men’s national teams have announced a historic collective bargaining agreement to close the gender pay gap and assure every player, man or woman, is paid equally, a first in the soccer federation world. What do you think?

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Fetus Steps Outside Womb For Quick Cigarette Break

Fri, 2022-05-20 15:05

KEARNEY, NE—Explaining he felt “all cooped up in that place” and needed to clear his head, a local fetus reportedly stepped outside the womb Friday for a quick cigarette break. “It’s nice to take a break from the nonstop gestation and just relax a little, but you’re not allowed to smoke in there,” said the unborn…

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NYPD Arrests Colombian Turnstile Lord Behind Massive Turnstile-Jumping Ring

Fri, 2022-05-20 14:55

NEW YORK—As part of a sting aimed at dismantling a criminal enterprise said to operate in all five boroughs, the New York City Police Department arrested Friday a notorious Colombian turnstile lord alleged to be the leader of a massive international turnstile-jumping ring. “The NYPD has apprehended Carlos ‘The…

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Elon Musk Accuses Own Genitals Of Being Far-Left Actor With Axe To Grind

Fri, 2022-05-20 14:20

LOS ANGELES—Claiming his penis had obviously been coerced into exposing itself to a flight attendant in 2016, Elon Musk reportedly accused his genitals Friday of being a far-left actor with an axe to grind. “For the record, these accusations against me are wildly untrue, and were carried out by my genitals in a…

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Excuses Men Use To Not Get Married

Fri, 2022-05-20 12:50

The only thing men fear more than commitment is getting married specifically to you. Here are the most common excuses guys use to avoid saying “I do.”

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Knife-Wielding Tesla Kills Pedestrian

Fri, 2022-05-20 11:35

BOSTON—In an incident that sent shock waves across the automotive industry, a knife-wielding Tesla Model S reportedly killed local pedestrian Lucy Friedman Friday after pursuing her down a city street. “Based on data retrieved from the vehicle, the Tesla’s camera appears to have accidentally locked onto the…

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Ringling Bros. Announces Comeback Tour Without Animal Acts

Fri, 2022-05-20 11:30

Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey circus has announced the return of its big top circus that closed five years ago, which is scheduled to debut in the fall of 2023 as a “multi-platform entertainment franchise” that focuses on human feats rather than animal acts. What do you think?

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Embarrassed Man Frantically Clears Search History After Googling Jets’ Playoff Chances

Fri, 2022-05-20 09:27

GALLOWAY, NJ—Cursing himself and sweating as he tried to eliminate all traces of what he’d done, embarrassed local man Chris Burnley was said to be frantically clearing his internet search history Friday after googling the New York Jets’ playoff chances. “Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you? No one can know…

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Timeline Of Tucker Carlson’s Career

Fri, 2022-05-20 08:00

Fox News host Tucker Carlson, the nation’s most-watched cable pundit, has built a career as a lightning rod for controversy. The Onion looks at the key events of his life and career.

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Madison Cawthorn Loses GOP Primary

Thu, 2022-05-19 15:58

Madison Cawthorn, the youngest member of Congress, has lost his seat in the Republican primary for North Carolina’s 11th Congressional District after a deluge of scandals involving run-ins with the law, sexual innuendo, and claims about Republican orgies. What do you think?

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Sex Fact: Did You Know?

Thu, 2022-05-19 14:41
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Tom Cruise Receives Standing Ovation For Entering Cannes With Cartwheel

Thu, 2022-05-19 14:40

CANNES, FRANCE—Showered with praise for pulling off the spectacular feat, blockbuster actor Tom Cruise received a standing ovation at the Cannes Film Festival Wednesday when he arrived for the premiere of Top Gun: Maverick with a cartwheel. “Wow, how does he do it? This is why he’s a movie star,” said festival…

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Trump Urges Dr. Oz To Declare Victory Against Biden In 2020 Election

Thu, 2022-05-19 14:10

PALM BEACH, FL—In a series of posts shared to social media platform Truth Social, Donald Trump reportedly urged Dr. Mehmet Oz this week to declare victory against Joe Biden in the 2020 presidential election. “Dr. Oz, you must not let the election officials steal the presidency from you,” said Trump, who called upon…

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Signs You Are Experiencing Parental Burnout

Thu, 2022-05-19 09:26

Between children, work, and generally being a shitty person, life can feel impossible. Here are signs you are experiencing parental burnout.

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KitchenAid Unveils New Countertop Food Truck For Ordering Street Tacos From Convenience Of Home

Thu, 2022-05-19 09:17

BENTON HARBOR, MI—Calling the appliance a perfect addition to any kitchen, appliance manufacturer KitchenAid unveiled a new countertop food truck Thursday for ordering street tacos from the convenience of one’s home. “With KitchenAid’s new countertop food truck, home cooks of any level can open their cabinet, place an…

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Surgeon Loses Another Patient Under Operating Table

Thu, 2022-05-19 08:00

ROCHESTER, MN—Reflecting that it never got easier to break the tragic news to the family, surgeon Peter Broadwell reportedly lost another patient under the operating table Wednesday. “Goddamn it, she was right here—how the hell did she just disappear?” said the Mayo Clinic thoracic surgeon, who rooted around under the…

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Study Links Anxiety To Holding Broken Halves Of Mother’s Favorite Vase As Doorknob Turns

Thu, 2022-05-19 08:00

MEDFORD, MA—With its groundbreaking new research into what causes acute episodes of panic, a study published Thursday in The Journal Of Child Psychology And Psychiatry has established a link between severe anxiety and holding the broken halves of mother’s favorite vase as the doorknob turns. “Our data show that high…

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