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Yankees Fans Pack Stadium For Asshole Heritage Night

Fri, 2018-05-25 18:50

NEW YORK—Selling out the entire venue and filling the standing room to capacity, thousands of fans flocked to Yankee Stadium Friday to proudly celebrate asshole heritage night. “Today, we honor the contributions and history of the many jackasses who have played for the New York Yankees as well as the pricks who…

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Hollywood Producer Can’t Help But Think About How Much Money He Could Make Off Movie About Harvey Weinstein Scandal

Fri, 2018-05-25 14:41

LOS ANGELES—Noting the interest generated by the extensive television coverage of Harvey Weinstein’s arraignment on sexual assault charges, Hollywood producer Jeff Moss admitted Friday that he can’t stop thinking about the giant pile of money he could make off a movie about the unfolding scandal. “What Harvey did to…

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Trump Cancels Meeting With North Korea

Fri, 2018-05-25 14:34

President Trump pulled out of a planned June meeting with North Korea in a letter citing “hostility” displayed in a recent statement, apparently alluding to a North Korean official mocking Vice President Mike Pence. What do you think? 

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Flight Attendant Licks Her Lips As Traveler Approaches Gate With Large Suitcase

Fri, 2018-05-25 14:25

BOSTON—Positively salivating at the unsuspecting customer moving in her direction, flight attendant Melissa Holmes reportedly licked her lips Friday as a traveler approached the gate with a large suitcase. “Yeah, that’s right—take that overpacked Samsonite and come to Mama,” said Holmes, rubbing her hands together…

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Report: No Way College Japan Society Can Match Lofty Promises Made By Poster Hanging In Library 

Fri, 2018-05-25 12:35

ALLENTOWN, PA—Purporting to read right through the grandstanding handbill, sources confirmed Friday that there could be absolutely no way Muhlenberg College’s Japan Society could fulfill the lofty promises made by their poster on the Trexler Memorial Library’s bulletin board. “Do these bullshitters really expect me to…

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How To Lose Those Next 15 Pounds

Fri, 2018-05-25 12:26
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Heartbreaking: This Guy’s Uncle Is Racist But Not Quite Racist Enough For Him To Get Any Viral Content Out Of It

Fri, 2018-05-25 11:20

Fellow liberal activists, get ready to feel for this guy, because he’s living out any #Resistance member’s absolute nightmare: His uncle is racist, but not quite racist enough for him to get any viral content out of it.

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Jared Kushner’s Security Clearance Restored

Fri, 2018-05-25 10:51

White House senior advisor Jared Kushner had his security clearance restored after temporarily losing it amid the uncertainty of the special counsel’s ongoing investigation. What do you think?

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L’Oreal Suspends Production Of Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick After Lab Rat Seduces Way Out Of Facility

Fri, 2018-05-25 10:35

NEW YORK—Warning that the sultry, long-lasting product had been instrumental in the company’s biggest security breach to date, L’Oreal has halted testing of their Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick Friday after a lab rat wearing the compelling cosmetic seduced its way out of their facility. “At approximately 8 p.m.…

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God Flees Universe With $250 In Cash

Fri, 2018-05-25 10:30

THE COSMOS—Jumping into His primer-gray Chevy and booking it away from the sum totality of all existence, the Lord God Almighty, the Alpha and Omega, He Who Commanded the Light to Shine Out of Darkness, fled the Universe with $250 in cash, heavenly sources reported. “See you later, assholes!” said the Supreme Being,…

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ClickHole Is Updating Its Privacy Policy

Fri, 2018-05-25 09:50

Here at ClickHole, user security is not something we treat lightly. That’s why we want you to know that we are beefing up our privacy policy so everyone feels safe and comfortable when visiting the site. Rest assured, the exploitation of your information is something ClickHole takes incredibly seriously, as our entire…

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New NFL Policy Requires Players To Either Stand For National Anthem Or Stay In Locker Room

Thu, 2018-05-24 17:53

A recently passed NFL policy will require players to cease kneeling on the field, forcing them to either stand for the national anthem or stay in the locker room, an option that had previously not been available. What do you think?

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Americans Freed From North Korea Sent Back To Pyongyang After Denuclearization Talks Fall Through

Thu, 2018-05-24 16:47

WASHINGTON—Struggling as they were handcuffed and removed from their homes, three American citizens recently freed from North Korea were sent back to Pyongyang Thursday after denuclearization talks between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un fell through. “Unfortunately, so long as the aforementioned Nuclear Summit remains…

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Americans Freed From North Korea Sent Back To Pyongyang After Denuclearization Talks Fall Through

Thu, 2018-05-24 16:47

WASHINGTON—Struggling as they were handcuffed and removed from their homes, three American citizens recently freed from North Korea were sent back to Pyongyang Thursday after denuclearization talks between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un fell through. “Unfortunately, so long as the aforementioned Nuclear Summit remains…

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Other 193 Countries Begin Insulting Mike Pence In Hopes Of Avoiding Future Meetings With Trump

Thu, 2018-05-24 16:17

BERLIN—Leaping at the chance to never again deal with the U.S. after North Korea’s disparaging remarks towards the vice president, leaders from the other 193 nations of the world began insulting Mike Pence Thursday in hopes of avoiding future meetings with President Donald Trump. “Mike Pence is just a dumbfuck…

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‘You Better Give Our Dad A Good Trade Deal Or You’ll Be Sorry!’ Shout Angry Trump Boys On Phone With Employee Of Local Chinese Restaurant

Thu, 2018-05-24 14:39

WASHINGTON—Issuing a series of threats and warnings to gain the East Asian government’s cooperation, an angry Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump reportedly shouted “You better give our dad a good trade deal or you’ll be sorry!” while on the phone Thursday with an employee of a local Chinese food restaurant. “If you don’t…

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Jared Kushner Excited To Finally Visit White House After Gaining Security Clearance

Thu, 2018-05-24 14:28

WASHINGTON—Following a period of uncertainty during a months-long FBI background check, Senior Adviser to the President Jared Kushner told reporters Thursday he’s excited to finally visit the White House after gaining permanent security clearance. “Oh, my God, I can’t believe I’m going to see where the president…

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Fan Doubtful ‘Solo: A Star Wars Story’ Can Live Up To Denny’s Blaster Fire Burger

Thu, 2018-05-24 14:25

GREEN BAY, WI—Expressing concern that the latest film might let fans like him down, area man Tom Molina was doubtful Thursday that Solo: A Star Wars Story could ever live up to Denny’s Blaster Fire Burger. “I really hope the movie can match the immersive, world-building experience I had eating the Blaster Fire Burger,…

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