The Onion

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The Onion
Updated: 2 hours 12 min ago

Report: There Just Something Dark And Intriguing About Man With Serious Personality Disorder

3 hours 59 min ago

WESTFORD, MA—Admitting that she couldn’t fully describe the enigmatic allure that drew her to him, local woman Laura Saracen told reporters Wednesday there was just something dark and intriguing about 34-year-old Tyler Evans, a man with a serious personality disorder. “I can’t quite put my finger on it, but from the very beginning of our date I picked up this kind of brooding and mysterious vibe from Tyler that I was really into,” Saracen said of the man with whom she’d gone out to dinner and whose deeply unstable moods, streaks of narcissism, and almost complete lack of empathy for others would meet the criteria for several mental conditions listed in the DSM-5. “Maybe I just go for the the sort of strong, silent type, or maybe I kind of like the idea that he seems to keep so much of himself hidden. Whatever it is ...

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European Leaders: ‘We Stand Together To Say Loud And Clear: We Are Scared As Fuck And Don’t Know What To Do’

Fri, 2017-08-18 17:42

BARCELONA, SPAIN—In a show of solidarity following the terrorist attack that left 14 dead and over 100 injured in Barcelona, Spain, European leaders stood together Friday to say loud and clear that they were scared as fuck and didn’t know what to do. “Side by side in the face of unfathomable violence, we assemble here today to say that we are united in our shared fear and our terrifying realization that we have no idea how to stop this,” said German chancellor Angela Merkel, who, flanked on both sides by other European heads of state, affirmed that terrorism freaked them the fuck out and would be eradicated from the face of the earth if they only knew how. “Today, we are not German, we are not Italian or French—we are simply people who are frightened out of their goddamn minds. And though we might not share the ...

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Fleas Carrying Bubonic Plague Found In Arizona

Fri, 2017-08-18 16:56

After fleas in two Arizona counties tested positive for bubonic plague, officials have warned residents to avoid contact with wild animals that could be carrying the insects. What do you think?

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What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Fri, 2017-08-18 15:04

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone Star Wars film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

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‘My Work Here Is Done,’ Smiles Contented Bannon Before Bursting Into Millions Of Spores

Fri, 2017-08-18 14:22

WASHINGTON—His skin already starting to bubble, newly dismissed White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon reportedly smiled and said “My work here is done” on Friday before bursting into millions of spores. “Now that I’ve accomplished everything I set out to do, it’s time for me to go,” said a contented Bannon moments before exploding into a cloud of millions of tiny black particles that swirled out the Oval Office window. “Just know that, if ever you need me, call my name into the wind and I will appear. Goodbye, my friends! Goodbye!” At press time, any White House staffers that had inhaled the Bannon spores were dying in agony as the spores began sprouting in their brains.

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Nation Begs Disaffected Youth Gravitating Toward Neo-Nazism To Get High And Play Xbox Instead

Fri, 2017-08-18 11:44

WASHINGTON—Beseeching them to pursue a less destructive path with their lives, the nation begged disaffected youth gravitating towards neo-Nazism to get high and play Xbox instead, sources reported Friday. “We don’t really care if you get blazed and play video games, sit home and jerk off, or shoplift a bunch of shit at a convenience store as long as you don’t march down the street waving swastikas,” said Holyoke, CO, resident Gregory Stamp, echoing the sentiments of the entire American populace in urging restless and angry young people who find themselves tempted by fascist ideology to try stuffing their faces with as many Cheetos as they want or playing the drums as hard as they can at literally any hour of the day. “Go ahead and sleep until four in the afternoon, then do whippets until you pass out. You want beer and cigarettes? We’re buying ...

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Top 10 College Preseason Football Teams

Fri, 2017-08-18 08:53
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Costco Forced To Pay $19 Million For Selling Fake Tiffany Rings

Fri, 2017-08-18 08:45

A court has ordered Costco to pay $19 million after finding that engagement rings sold by the warehouse retailer violated luxury jeweler Tiffany’s trademark. What do you think?

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Report: 97% Of Inner Tube Occupants Agree It Doesn’t Get Any Better Than This

Fri, 2017-08-18 08:32

SEATTLE—According to a survey conducted Friday of Americans visiting scenic waterways across the nation, 97 percent of individuals currently floating down a lazy, winding river in an inflatable rubber tube agreed that it doesn’t get any better than this. “An overwhelming proportion of respondents indicated that occupying an inner tube on a summer’s day was just the best,” said University of Washington researcher Tessa Huddleston, adding that two-thirds of those surveyed revealed that they had within the past few minutes let out a contented sigh and trailed their fingertips across the water’s surface before cracking open a cold one. “Forty percent of the people occupying inner tubes stated that the water was absolutely perfect, while another 20 percent said that, oh yeah, they could definitely do this every day, not a problem.” The survey also found that the 3 percent of Americans not currently enjoying their ...

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

Fri, 2017-08-18 08:27

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday. “We’re never going to get anywhere in this country if you lunatics keep foaming at the mouth about some one-sided fantasyland,” said Levin, 32, who despite characterizing those who do not stand precisely equidistant between two ideological extremes as “raving fanatics” and repeatedly interrupting people before they can fully explain their “nutjob” beliefs, reportedly seems to think he is, in fact, much more civil. “If you idiots stopped throwing temper tantrums every time some little thing doesn’t pass your precious purity test and came back down to the real, complicated world with the rest ...

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How Democrats Plan To Rebrand Their Party

Thu, 2017-08-17 18:43
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Man Misidentified As Charlottesville Terrorist Suing Right-Wing News Sites

Thu, 2017-08-17 18:18

A Michigan man who received death threats after several right-wing sites misidentified him as the Charlottesville terrorist is reportedly suing the sites who spread the false information. What do you think?

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Inverted Bob Added To Supercuts Arctic Vault Where Hairstyles Preserved For Future Generations

Thu, 2017-08-17 17:03

LONGYEARBYEN, NORWAY—Hoping to ensure the survival of the popular women’s cut in the event of a global catastrophe, officials announced Thursday the addition of the inverted bob to the Supercuts Arctic Vault, a secure state-of-the-art facility that preserves the world’s hairstyles for future generations.

Executives at the hair salon chain said the long-in-front, short-in-back bob has joined the approximately 400,000 haircuts already carefully cataloged and stored inside a sprawling concrete bunker built into the side of a mountain on a remote island 800 miles from the North Pole. According to experts, the so-called “doomsday hair bank” can withstand not only natural disasters, but also man-made crises such as the dry, damaging effects of global warming and the follicle-killing radiation of nuclear war.

“No one wants to contemplate the possibility of bangs simply vanishing from the face of the earth.”

“Should the unthinkable happen—a cataclysmic event ...

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Aides Say Bannon Was Not On The Record When He Issued Deafening, Atonal Howl That Caused Journalist’s Skull To Explode

Thu, 2017-08-17 16:28

WASHINGTON—Saying that the huge breach of trust clearly violated journalistic ethics, White House aides confirmed Thursday that Chief Strategist Steve Bannon was not on the record when he issued the deafening, atonal howl that caused a reporter’s head to explode. “Mr. Bannon’s unbroken three-hour shriek was given in total confidence and was in no way intended for publication,” said White House aide Tim Vaughn, adding that it was mutually understood that the punishing vocalization that splattered chunks of bone and bloody grey matter across the room was intended as background only. “Unfortunately, this is just another flagrant attempt by the mainstream media to undermine the president, using privileged skull-shattering wails out of context and without permission to generate bias against the administration.” At press time, Trump was reportedly beginning to suspect that it was Bannon himself who had leaked all the previous cranium-bursting shrieks to the press.

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Malala Can Tell Oxford Paired Her With Roommate Just Because They’re Both Nobel Laureates

Thu, 2017-08-17 15:45

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates. “God, I bet they thought we’d magically hit it off and become best friends because we both received one of the world’s most prestigious international honors,” said Yousafzai, 20, adding that she now regretted ever having written in her housing questionnaire that her efforts on behalf of women’s education earned her the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize, an award that has “literally zero” to do with her flatmate’s groundbreaking work in chemistry. “All I wanted was to meet someone really different, but now our room will be, like, ‘The Nobel Room,’ and no one will want to come hang out. They ...

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