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Recently Divorced 40-Year-Old Struggling To Navigate College Dating Scene

Wed, 2018-11-14 17:54

COLUMBUS, OH—Noting that the contemporary romantic vibe was totally different than the one he experienced in the late Clinton era, recently divorced advertising copywriter Richard Hamlin, 40, admitted Wednesday that he was struggling to navigate the college dating scene. “It’s not easy jumping back into the acton,…

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Amazon Officially Picks New York, Northern Virginia For Next Headquarters

Wed, 2018-11-14 17:20

Bringing to an end over a year of speculation, Amazon officially chose Long Island City, NY and Arlington, VA for their next headquarters, offering 50,000 jobs to the regions, while dividing locals who worry about rising property costs and transportation concerns. What do you think?

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Melania Releases Statement Calling For Removal Of First Lady From White House

Wed, 2018-11-14 16:54

WASHINGTON—Stressing that the situation had become untenable in recent days, aides working for Melania Trump released a statement Wednesday calling for the immediate removal of the first lady from the White House. According to the statement, the first lady “no longer deserves the honor” of serving in the position,…

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Nancy Pelosi Planning To Reenergize House By Injecting Self With Blood Of Young Representatives

Wed, 2018-11-14 15:00

WASHINGTON—Expressing her excitement at the influx of newly elected progressives in Congress, Nancy Pelosi told reporters Wednesday of her plans to reenergize the House of Representatives by injecting herself with the blood of her party’s young members. “I’m really looking forward to improving the vitality of our…

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Naked Man Refusing To Let Unworthy Attire Touch His Body Until Launch Of New Onion Store Merchandise

Wed, 2018-11-14 14:13

PERRIS, CA—Saying he was unwilling to compromise his ideals by dressing in lesser-quality garb, naked man Jon Russo confirmed Wednesday that he was refusing to let unworthy attire touch his body while he awaits the launch of new Onion store merchandise. “My body is a temple and deserves to be draped in finery of a…

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Nation’s Tourists Announce Plans To Form Circle, Clap Hands Around Guys Doing Flips And Stuff

Wed, 2018-11-14 13:57

NEW YORK—Excitedly gathering for a good view, the nation’s tourists announced plans Wednesday to form a wide circle around a group of guys who were doing a bunch of flips and stuff. “We’re absolutely thrilled to stand here and clap our hands along with that guy cradling a boombox, cheering them on as they spin around…

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Female Director Asked If She Feels Comfortable Filming Scene While Nude

Wed, 2018-11-14 13:48

LOS ANGELES—In a concentrated effort to ensure the movie set felt like a safe, supportive place for all those involved, sources confirmed Wednesday that a female director was asked if she felt comfortable filming a scene while nude. “I just wanted to do a quick check with you to make sure you’re comfortable with…

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Pfizer Unveils New Double-Sided EpiPen For Lovers

Wed, 2018-11-14 13:40

NEW YORK—Marketing the emergency auto-injector as the perfect product for romantic evenings when you and a partner go into anaphylactic shock simultaneously, Pfizer unveiled a new line of double-sided EpiPen devices Wednesday designed exclusively for lovers. “We recognized a real shortage of intimate, life-saving…

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The Onion’s Guide To ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’

Wed, 2018-11-14 12:31

Red Dead Redemption 2 has received nearly universal acclaim since its release in October when it had the second-most profitable entertainment product debut in history. The Onion answers common questions about playing the open-world Western game.

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The Fantastic Bore

Wed, 2018-11-14 11:39
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Report: Nation Getting Out All Its Aggression During Monthly Calls To Wireless Provider To Fix Service

Wed, 2018-11-14 11:31

WASHINGTON—Saying the hostile behavior helped Americans feel empowered and liberated, a report released Friday by the Pew Research Center revealed that the nation gets out all of its aggression during monthly phone calls to their wireless provider to fix their service. “Whenever I feel pure, unadulterated rage…

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North Korea Possibly Still Operating Hidden Missiles Bases

Wed, 2018-11-14 11:02

Despite its denuclearization pledges, North Korea may be operating smaller, hidden missile bases, satellite analysis found. What do you think?

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New ‘Game Of Thrones’ Trailer Reveals Final Season Will Be Cobbled Together From Old Footage

Tue, 2018-11-13 18:02

LOS ANGELES—Shedding considerable light on the acclaimed fantasy epic’s long-awaited conclusion, HBO released a new Game Of Thrones trailer Tuesday revealing that the show’s final season will be cobbled together from old footage. “We’re excited to confirm that the final season will focus on previously aired scenes…

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NRA Publishes Tips For Staying Safe While Committing A Mass Shooting

Tue, 2018-11-13 16:55

FAIRFAX, VA—Citing its longtime commitment to the promotion of safety among firearm enthusiasts, the National Rifle Association published a series of pointers Tuesday on how to keep safe while carrying out a mass shooting. “Every gun owner should know the NRA’s fundamental safety rules so they can avoid being tackled…

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New York City Announces Subway Just For Amazon Employees Now

Tue, 2018-11-13 16:44

NEW YORK—Championing the decision as a necessary step to make the “Big Apple” more tech-friendly, New York City mayor Bill de Blasio announced Tuesday that the subway is just for Amazon employees now. “All 8.6 million New York City residents not employed by Amazon or an Amazon subsidiary are prohibited from using MTA…

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Steve King Vehemently Denies Comparing Immigrants To People

Tue, 2018-11-13 16:12

WASHINGTON—Challenging any insinuation that he would ever say anything of the kind, Representative Steve King (R-IA) vehemently denied Tuesday comparing immigrants to people. “I would never, under any circumstances, say something so despicable,” said King, who was recently elected to his ninth congressional term,…

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Poll Finds Voters Don’t Support Impeaching Trump

Tue, 2018-11-13 16:03

A new poll reveals support for Democrats impeaching Trump is tepid, with half of voters saying they oppose the possibility and only 31 percent supporting it. What do you think?

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Hillary Launches Campaign To Raise $100 Million Or Else She’ll Run For President

Tue, 2018-11-13 15:53

CHAPPAQUA, NY—In a press conference announcing her plans for the 2020 election, Hillary Clinton told reporters she is launching a campaign Tuesday that will raise $100 million by the end of the year or else she will run for president. “I’m very excited to roll out my initiative to secure this full amount within seven…

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Surgeon General Confirms A Bit Of Blow Here And There Won’t Kill Ya

Tue, 2018-11-13 14:01

WASHINGTON—In a statement marking a reversal of opinion on a previously maligned narcotic stimulant, United States surgeon general Dr. Jerome Adams confirmed Tuesday that occasionally indulging in a bit of blow here and there would not, in fact, kill you. “While it should go without saying that the surgeon general’s…

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Trump Delivers Touching Tribute To Fallen Heroes Of WWE

Tue, 2018-11-13 13:37

WASHINGTON—Praising them in a memorial ceremony for all the sacrifices they had made, President Donald Trump reportedly delivered a touching tribute Tuesday to the fallen heroes of WWE. “Let us never forget how WWE continues to affect all of us, and how these brave men dedicated their lives to wrestling for their…

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