The Onion

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One Out Of Every 500 Americans Have Died From Covid Since Beginning Of Pandemic

Fri, 2021-09-17 15:49

According to Johns Hopkins University data, about out of every 500 Americans have died from coronavirus since the nation’s first reported infection last year, with a current seven-day average of about 152,200 new Covid cases per day. What do you think?

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Lack Of Concrete Dinner Plans Leaves Power Vacuum Filled By Radical Pro-Tapas Fanatics

Fri, 2021-09-17 15:35

PRINCETON, NJ—With the entire evening now threatened by extremists, a lack of concrete dinner plans Friday left a power vacuum reportedly filled by radical pro-Tapas fanatics. “Without strong leadership deciding where to eat, those individuals pushing a rabid small plates agenda have taken on a troubling amount of…

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Study Finds Virus Frequently Fooled By Fake Vaccine Card

Fri, 2021-09-17 13:25

BALTIMORE—A new study released Friday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University revealed that the novel coronavirus Covid-19 was frequently fooled by fake vaccine cards. “We found that when presented with a counterfeit vaccination card, Covid-19 was unable to distinguish it from the real thing approximately 7 out of…

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Study: 86% Of Families Hoarse From Screaming By Time They Arrive At Outlet Mall

Fri, 2021-09-17 13:05

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Concluding that it didn’t matter whether the car ride was five minutes down the block or 30 minutes down the highway, a new study published Thursday in The Journal Of The American Medical Association found that 86% of families were hoarse from screaming by the time they arrived at the outlet mall. “Our…

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New Madden ‘Owner Mode’ Allows Players To Customize Concussion Study Findings

Fri, 2021-09-17 12:44

REDWOOD CITY, CA—Touting it as the most realistic update to their long running “Franchise Mode,” EA Sports revealed Friday that the new “Owner Mode” options in Madden 22 allow players to customize the findings of their own concussion studies. “Not only do you have to manage the salary cap and have relationships with…

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Something To Consider, ‘Earthbound’ Fans: It Appears Peaceful Means Of Bringing About An ‘Earthbound’ Rerelease Have Failed You Yet Again

Fri, 2021-09-17 12:20

Well, well, well, JRPG fans. Look where we find ourselves yet again. For years, you’ve tried to get Nintendo to re-release Earthbound, and, once more, they’ve callously spurned your pleas without a second thought. Time and again, your peaceful means of bringing about an updated version of the 1995 cult classic have…

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Common Types Of Dreams And What They Actually Mean

Fri, 2021-09-17 11:30

Dreams you are falling are very common and mean that even in your sleep, where there are no limits to the imagination, you are an unoriginal hack.

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The Onion’s Guide To CRISPR

Fri, 2021-09-17 10:55

Gene-editing technology CRISPR was in the spotlight this week after a biotech startup unveiled a mission to use it to resurrect wooly mammoths by 2027. The Onion provides a helpful guide to common questions about CRISPR.

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Taco Bell Testing Monthly Subscription Service

Fri, 2021-09-17 08:00

Taco Bell is testing a 30-day subscription service in which subscribers pay $5 to $10 a month for a Taco Lovers Pass that allows them one taco a day. What do you think?

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California Governor Gavin Newsom Survives Recall Vote

Thu, 2021-09-16 14:53

California governor Gavin Newsom has defeated a Republican effort to remove him from office in a recall election, with incomplete returns already showing ‘no’ votes ahead by a margin of 30 points. What do you think?

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QR Codes By The Numbers

Thu, 2021-09-16 13:37
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Fourth-Grader’s Report On Anacondas Largely Rehashes Established Research

Thu, 2021-09-16 13:25

MARANA, AZ—Calling it a clear recapitulation of what other scientific authors had published years or even decades ago, sources confirmed Thursday that local fourth-grader Liam Nicholson’s report on anacondas largely rehashed established research. “While there are some real nuggets of true brilliance, and the…

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Taliban Overtakes Lower Manhattan Days After Biden Administration Leaves NYC 9/11 Commemoration

Thu, 2021-09-16 13:10

NEW YORK—With the region descending into chaos much sooner than intelligence experts expected, the Taliban overtook Lower Manhattan Thursday, less than a week after the Biden administration left a memorial event at the site where the World Trade Center towers once stood. “It now appears evident that when President…

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Tucker Carlson Announces He Putting Life On Line By Getting Booster Shot For Investigation Into Covid Vaccine

Thu, 2021-09-16 13:05

WASHINGTON—In an effort to dare pry where the mainstream media would not, Tucker Carlson announced Thursday that he would be putting his life on the line by getting a booster shot for a Fox News investigation into the Covid-19 vaccine. “God only knows what will happen to me when I take this shot, which is why I’ve…

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Post-Credits Scene Hints That Fans Can Probably Skip Rest Of Marvel Movies

Thu, 2021-09-16 12:20

LOS ANGELES—Treating viewers to a taste of the franchise’s upcoming plans, Shang-Chi And The Legend Of The 10 Rings reportedly concluded with a post-credits scene that hinted fans could probably skip the rest of the Marvel movies. “Stick around after the credits because Marvel is teasing that they’re basically out of…

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Geneticists Develop Hybrid Creature From Whatever Scraps Of DNA Lying Around Lab

Thu, 2021-09-16 11:35

DURHAM, NC—Throwing together a bunch of unused polynucleotides that would otherwise have gone to waste, a team of geneticists and biomedical engineers at Duke University told reporters Thursday they had developed a new hybrid creature from various scraps of DNA they had lying around their lab. “Over the course of our…

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Poll Finds Most Americans Would Swap Democracy For $100 Best Buy Gift Card

Thu, 2021-09-16 11:30

WASHINGTON—According to the results of a new poll released Thursday by the Pew Research Center, the majority of Americans would swap democracy for a $100 Best Buy gift card. “Our research found that 72% of Americans would agree to give up all free and fair elections in the U.S. forever in exchange for a $100…

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Common Lies Parents Tell Their Children All The Time

Thu, 2021-09-16 08:00

What? It’s not like your mom and dad were honest with you, and you came out fine! Here are common lies parents tell their children all the time.

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