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The Onion
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Study Finds Only 1 In 3 Lasik Surgeries End In Laser Boring Through Eye, Incinerating Brain, Shooting Through Skull On Other Side

Mon, 2017-06-26 12:38

CHICAGO—Assuaging concerns about the safety of the corrective eye treatment, a study published Monday in The Journal Of The American Medical Association found that only 1 in 3 Lasik surgeries end in the laser boring through the eyes, incinerating the brain, and shooting through the skull on the other side. “Our research found that the fears of people considering a Lasik procedure were generally exaggerated, with only one-third experiencing a searing beam of light that drills through their eyeball, reduces their brain to cinders, and then bursts through the back of their head,” said lead author Dr. Roger Cardenas, noting that apprehensions about the likelihood of having the contents of one’s brain instantly vaporized often overshadowed the fact that roughly 66 percent of patients who underwent Lasik enjoyed greatly improved vision. “This isn’t to say there is no risk, however, and people should weigh the benefits of ...

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Lead Found In 20% Of Baby Food

Mon, 2017-06-26 12:33

A study found that 20 percent of baby foods contain traces of lead, with grape juice, apple juice, and carrots being the worst offenders. What do you think?

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New Gallup Poll Finds 40% Of Americans Probably Going To Skip Michelle’s Party

Mon, 2017-06-26 11:31

WASHINGTON—Suggesting a modest overall turnout by the populace, a new Gallup poll released Monday found that 40 percent of Americans were probably going to skip Michelle’s party. “When asked if they were going to stop by Michelle’s later, four in 10 citizens said they either had no plans to go or had thought about going but probably wouldn’t in the end,” said lead researcher Stephanie Piehl, adding that nearly half of those who said they would not attend, including the majority of respondents in Alaska and Hawaii, attributed their decision to how far out of the way Michelle’s apartment is and the fact that her last party kind of sucked. “Additionally, 13 percent said they had other things to do, 6 percent cited the high cost of a Lyft to her place, and 2 percent said things were a little awkward between them and Michelle ...

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20 Years Of Harry Potter

Mon, 2017-06-26 10:33

J.K. Rowling published Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

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Neighbor Arriving Home At Same Time Offers Brief, Beguiling Glimpse Inside Apartment

Mon, 2017-06-26 10:16

CHICAGO—Gathering as much information on the residence as she could during the fleeting window of opportunity, local woman Kerry Egan was offered a brief, beguiling glimpse of the inside of the next-door apartment Monday upon arriving home at the same time as her neighbor. “Whoa, so that’s what her place looks like,” said Egan, discreetly peeking in through the tantalizing 2-foot-wide gap in the doorway as she unlocked her own door. “It kind of resembles my apartment—same general L shape, I think—but I can’t tell if it’s a little smaller or if it just seems that way because they have more furniture than I do. Man, that is a huge TV. That rug’s really nice, too. I wonder where she got it?” At press time, Egan’s own open door momentarily offered her neighbor an enticing glance at the dog that keeps her ...

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Kipers Go On Vacation

Mon, 2017-06-26 10:15
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New App Sends Dating Profile Straight To Friends, Coworkers To Laugh At Without Ever Connecting Users To Each Other

Mon, 2017-06-26 10:14

PALO ALTO, CA—Utilizing personal contact information to create a uniquely demeaning interactive experience, a new app unveiled Friday reportedly sends dating profiles straight to friends and coworkers to mock without ever connecting users to each other. “We are proud to debut Humiliatr, a one-of-a-kind dating app that allows you to fill out a comprehensive profile that is then sent directly to most of the people you know, specifically so they can ridicule it,” said the app’s lead developer, Phillip Duncan, explaining that the software seamlessly emails the user’s obviously unrepresentative photos and pathetic biographical statements to confidants and casual acquaintances alike, providing them with an opportunity for a good laugh without enabling the user to actually meet a potential romantic partner. “Everyone in your social circle, including people who have met you only a few times or know you entirely through social media, will get full access ...

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China Censors Gay Kiss In ‘Alien: Covenant’

Fri, 2017-06-23 14:39

The Chinese release of “Alien: Covenant” reportedly omits a gay kiss scene, along with the majority of the movie’s violence and even appearances by its aliens. What do you think?

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Versatile Game Table Can Be Easily Converted To Play Small, Shitty Version Of Pool, Air Hockey, Foosball

Fri, 2017-06-23 12:45

MINNEAPOLIS—Citing the poor quality of both the design and craftsmanship, members of the Hunter family told reporters Friday that the home’s versatile game table could be easily converted to play small, shitty versions of pool, air hockey, and foosball. “Right now it’s a tiny, cramped foosball table, but if you want to play air hockey on a chintzy rink that doesn’t blow any air at all, then all you have to do is just flip it right over,” said Jeffrey Hunter, 14, noting that the miserable excuse for an air hockey table came equipped with two strikers too small to grip properly and a single puck the size of a casino chip. “It’s got a cheap pool table component that comes with 18-inch billiard cues and shitty miniature balls that are impossible to hit accurately, so you can also play a game that barely resembles ...

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Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Fri, 2017-06-23 11:42

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

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Rookie USDA Agent Vomits After Seeing First Rotten Orange

Fri, 2017-06-23 10:19

WASHINGTON—Unable to contain his nausea at the horrifying scene before him, rookie USDA agent Michael Dunn vomited Friday after seeing his first rotten orange. “As soon as the kid caught a glimpse of that produce lying there decomposing, he turned away, hunched over, and started throwing up like crazy,” said supervisor Carl Webster, adding that it was not uncommon for brand-new agents to react in such a manner when suddenly confronted with a putrefying, fly-covered rind. “He’ll get past it, though—you build up your tolerance after a while. The key is to not let it faze you but also never forget that this rotting pulp was once a sweet, delicious part of someone’s fruit bowl or lunchbox.” At press time, Dunn had steeled himself and looked at the orange once more, but was vomiting again before he could make it back to the car.

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Atari Announces Mysterious New Console

Fri, 2017-06-23 10:16

Classic video game company Atari has announced it’s making a new console, fueling speculation about whether it will be a retro novelty or a modern system. What do you think?

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Chipotle Mayo Doing All The Heavy Lifting In Sandwich

Thu, 2017-06-22 15:27

STERLING, CO—Saying the condiment was really putting the rest of the team on its back, area man Kevin Bentley confirmed Thursday that the chipotle mayo was doing all the heavy lifting in his sandwich. “Looks like this mayo is going to have to carry us across the finish line, because there’s absolutely nothing else on this sandwich that has anything going for it,” said Bentley, explaining that the spicy southwestern spread would, as usual, have to lead the charge since the roast turkey had zero to contribute, and the shredded lettuce was essentially dead weight. “The soggy tomato sure as hell isn’t helping, and that single slice of swiss cheese might as well have not shown up today. The bread should be pitching in a lot more, but it’s just sitting there like it knows the chipotle mayo is going to bail it out eventually—which ...

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Michael Phelps To Race Shark

Thu, 2017-06-22 14:58

Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps will race against a great white shark for a TV special as part of Discovery’s annual Shark Week event in July. What do you think?

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Pope Francis Buys Knockoff Chalice At Store In Vatican City Chinatown

Thu, 2017-06-22 14:11

VATICAN CITY—Praising the district’s vast selection of inexpensive goods and its vendors’ willingness to negotiate prices, Pope Francis reportedly spent Thursday afternoon strolling through Vatican City’s Chinatown before purchasing a knockoff golden chalice.

Holy See officials said that after leading Mass at St. Peter’s Basilica, the Bishop of Rome walked the three blocks to the sprawling ethnic Chinese neighborhood known for selling anything from Pentecost fireworks to bootleg homily DVDs, as well as countless other deeply discounted ecclesiastical items.

“I love coming down here every now and then to explore and maybe pick up a few things if I happen upon a good price,” said the pontiff, pausing briefly beside a booth where colorful plastic rosaries hung from a rack and thuribles stamped with the words “Catholic Church” were piled in a bin. “They don’t always have the highest-quality stuff, but if you hunt around ...

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