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Promotion Offers Fans Free Pizza If Phillies Don't Blow Any Easy Plays In 5th Inning

Fri, 2018-07-20 19:55

PHILADELPHIA—In an effort to boost attendance and reward fan’s patience with the young, error-prone ballclub, the Philadelphia Phillies announced a new promotion Friday offering fans free pizza if the team doesn’t blow any easy on plays while on defense in the top of the 5th inning. “We’re excited to offer our…

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Homeless Man Has Nice Summer Tan Going

Fri, 2018-07-20 15:50

COLUMBUS, OH—Marveling at the bronzed perfection of the figure lounging in Goodale Park, sources confirmed Friday that homeless man Eddie Kowalcek had a really nice summer tan going. “Wow, that guy just looks incredible,” said Spencer Dawson, 26, adding that the evenly tanned homeless schizophrenic must have spent…

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Maria Butina Slips Away After Binding Half-Naked, Blindfolded Robert Mueller To Bed

Fri, 2018-07-20 15:26

ARLINGTON, VA—Quietly climbing out from under the sheets and sliding on a trench coat, accused Russian agent Maria Butina slipped away Friday after binding the wrists of a half-naked, blindfolded Robert Mueller to a bed frame with silk scarves. “I’m sorry to duck out like this, but I’m running late for an important…

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WHO Eliminates Blindness-Causing Trachoma In Seven Countries

Fri, 2018-07-20 14:22

The World Health Organization declared a major milestone after eliminating trachoma, a debilitating disease that causes blindness in sufferers, in seven countries, and making significant inroads in others. What do you think?

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Flight Attendant Demonstrates Proper Technique For Eating Fellow Passenger In Event Of Crash

Fri, 2018-07-20 14:08

ATLANTA—As an audio recording provided clear instructions on the procedure during pre-flight safety announcements, a flight attendant for Delta Airlines reportedly walked down the aisle of flight 9143 to London Friday demonstrating the correct way to consume one’s fellow passengers following a crash. “In the unlikely…

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Dozens Of White Houses Materialize From Temporal Vortex As Trump’s Changing Account Of Putin Meeting Tears Apart Space-Time

Fri, 2018-07-20 12:46

WASHINGTON—Revealing that the physical world could no longer bear the weight of numerous contradictory realities, sources confirmed Friday that dozens of Whites Houses have begun to leak from a temporal vortex as President Trump’s rapidly changing story of meeting Putin tears apart space-time. “A White House is…

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Comic-Con Fan Guesses He Enjoyed 60-Minute Panel Of Silently Masturbating Alan Moore Practicing Sex Magic

Fri, 2018-07-20 12:38

SAN DIEGO—Reflecting while exiting the packed Indigo Ballroom, local Comic-Con attendee Matt Donnelly told reporters Friday that he guessed he enjoyed the 60-minute panel wherein comic-book writer Alan Moore silently masturbated and performed sex magic rituals. “Honestly, I was kind of hoping he’d talk about creating

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Peyton Manning’s Wife Quietly Asks How Much Longer Papa John Going To Crash On Their Couch

Fri, 2018-07-20 11:58

INDIANAPOLIS—Frustrated by the heaps of soiled red polo shirts accumulating in her living room, Peyton Manning’s wife quietly asked Friday how much longer disgraced fast-food mogul and pitchman “Papa” John Schnatter would be crashing on their couch. “Honey, I didn’t mind when you said it would be a couple of nights,…

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Senate Passes Bipartisan Resolution Preventing Themselves From Stopping Trump

Fri, 2018-07-20 11:31

WASHINGTON—In a sharp rebuke of the President’s failure to denounce Russia for interfering in the 2016 election, the Senate passed a bipartisan resolution Friday preventing themselves from stopping Trump. “Today, in service to the American people, we set aside our differences and reached across the aisle to send…

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World's Oldest Bread Found At Prehistoric Site In Jordan

Fri, 2018-07-20 11:13

Charred remains of a flatbread baked 14,500 years ago were found in the Eastern Mediterranean, revealing it was made thousands of years before humans began farming. What do you think?

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Scientists Theorize What Earliest Dinosaur Researchers May Have Looked Like

Fri, 2018-07-20 10:45

BERKELEY, CA—Flexing their imaginations to the limit in an attempt to conceive how the majestic creatures may have lived all those centuries ago, scientists at University of California, Berkeley met Friday to theorize about what the first dinosaur researchers may have looked like. “Of course we can’t create an exact…

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Taking Responsibility: Mark Zuckerberg Has Announced That Any Articles Posted On Facebook Will Now Go Through Strict Vetting To Make Sure They Align With The Company’s Tireless Commitment To Generating Massive Amounts Of Revenue

Fri, 2018-07-20 09:20

Mark Zuckerberg faced enormous public backlash this week after he defended Holocaust deniers’ right to disseminate their views on Facebook, but this morning he stepped up to allay Facebook users’ concerns in a big way: Zuckerberg announced that from now on, Facebook will rigorously vet the articles posted on its site…

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Real-Life Black Widow? Sure, You Nerds Will Eat That Up. This Captured Russian Spy Is Real-Life Black Widow

Fri, 2018-07-20 09:05

Maria Butina, a 29-year-old Russian woman living in Washington D.C., has been arrested by U.S. authorities and charged with being an illegal foreign agent. She infiltrated the GOP with a complex intelligence operation orchestrated by the Russian government, but the main thing you nerds have to know is that she’s…

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Summer Camp Hierarchy Thrown Into Chaos After Second Girl Learns How To French Braid

Thu, 2018-07-19 17:14

ELIZAVILLE, NY—Speculating as to whether or not the social order could ever regain its stability, witnesses confirmed Thursday that the established interpersonal hierarchy at Camp Eagle Hill had been thrown into turmoil by the emergence of a second girl with practical knowledge of the French braid. “This is completely…

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Comic-Con 2018 Kicks Off

Thu, 2018-07-19 14:40

Comic-Con, the nation’s premier comics convention, kicks off this year’s iteration with previews of The Predator, Doctor Who, and the new slate of DC comic book movies. What do you think?

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Paralyzed Man Determined To Still Live Normal Sedentary Life

Thu, 2018-07-19 14:16

NORTH HAMPTON, MA—Saying that he wouldn’t let his disability define him, recently paralyzed man Matthew Sabourne told reporters Thursday he was determined to maintain his normal sedentary lifestyle despite his new physical challenges. “I caught a tough break with the accident, but I’ll be damned if I let this injury…

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