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Ted Cruz Attempts To Connect With Voters By Wearing More Handsome Man’s Face As Mask

Tue, 2018-09-18 17:15

DALLAS—In an effort to make himself more appealing to voters, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly tried to connect with the audience at a candidate forum Tuesday by wearing the bloody, skinned face of a far more handsome man as a mask. “People are really responding to this new, dapper Ted Cruz,” said campaign manager Jeff…

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Woman Longs For Day When First Female President Can Have Tell-All Book Written About Disgusting Vagina

Tue, 2018-09-18 16:31

SKOKIE, IL—Wistfully imagining a future she hopes is not too far away, area woman Margaret Bridgemeyer told reporters Tuesday she yearns for the day when the first female president of the United States will have a tell-all book written about her that contains explicit descriptions of her repulsive vagina. “I have to…

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White House Increases Number Of Asylum Seekers Allowed To Enter Spike-Filled Refugee Compactor

Tue, 2018-09-18 16:24

WASHINGTON—In a stark reversal of earlier immigration policy, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that his administration was increasing the number of asylum seekers allowed to enter the United States’ spike-filled refugee compactor. “We feel strongly that 15 million people fleeing abuses in their own countries…

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Marc Benioff Buys ‘Time’ Magazine For $190 Million

Tue, 2018-09-18 16:00

Salesforce founder Marc Benioff purchased Time magazine for $190 million, continuing the trend of tech titans buying major media companies. What do you think?

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Emotional Le’Veon Bell Reveals Holdout A Result Of Forgetting How To Run

Tue, 2018-09-18 13:25

PITTSBURGH—Breaking down while discussing the horrible condition behind his absence, an emotional Le’Veon Bell revealed to reporters Tuesday that his ongoing holdout was a result of forgetting how to run. “People are attacking me, saying this is about greed or ego, but the truth is I’ve completely blanked on how to…

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Tips For Long Bike Rides

Tue, 2018-09-18 12:57
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Video Game Character Stares Impotently At Forbidden Realm Beyond Impassable Waist-High Bush

Tue, 2018-09-18 12:22

JOHTO—Cruelly tantalized by the dream of life in the green and plentiful land just beyond his reach, video game character Ethan spent countless processor cycles Tuesday staring impotently at the forbidden realm stretching out beyond the line of impassable waist-high bushes at his feet. “All my powers, all my…

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Scientists Close To Developing Life-Saving Vaccine That They Can Rub In Faces Of Their Doubters

Tue, 2018-09-18 11:51

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Saying the groundbreaking discovery could potentially silence even their fiercest critics, scientists at Indiana University’s School of Medicine announced Tuesday that they had almost developed a life-saving vaccine that they could rub in the faces of all their doubters. “This injection, once it is…

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Fraternity Brothers Make Note Not To Kill Pledge Whose Family Has Lake House

Tue, 2018-09-18 11:29

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Carefully establishing a reminder lest they lose themselves in a moment of exuberance, fraternity brothers at the University of Virgina’s Sigma Chi chapter made a note Tuesday not to kill a member of their new pledge class during the intense hazing process, as his family happens to own a commodious…

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London Mayor Calls For Second Brexit Referendum

Tue, 2018-09-18 11:06

London Mayor Sadiq Khan has called for a second public vote on Brexit because of the government’s failure to strike a deal with Brussels, saying that people “didn’t vote to leave the EU to make themselves poorer.” What do you think? 

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FEMA Airdrops Emergency Cyanide Pills For Residents Stranded By Hurricane Florence

Mon, 2018-09-17 17:59

WILMINGTON, NC—In an effort to provide aid to those affected by the devastating weather event, FEMA representatives confirmed Monday the completion of their mission to airdrop emergency cyanide pills for residents stranded by Hurricane Florence. “We’ve spared no expense in making sure the residents of these areas are…

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Marine Biologists Reveal That Majority Of World’s Oceans Remain Boring As Shit

Mon, 2018-09-17 15:19

HONOLULU—Offering new insights into the vast expanses of water that make up nearly three quarters of the planet’s surface, marine biologists at the Hawaii Oceanographic Institute announced Monday that the majority of the world’s oceans remain boring as shit. “Even after centuries of human exploration and study, more…

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Steve Bannon Calls #MeToo Most Powerful Political Movement In World

Mon, 2018-09-17 14:47

Speaking at The Economist’s Global Forum, Steve Bannon said he thinks Time’s Up is “the single most powerful potential political movement in the world” and believes it has even greater potential in the corporate sphere. What do you think?

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White House Raises Official Hurricane Florence Death Toll To -17

Mon, 2018-09-17 14:27

WASHINGTON—Proclaiming that the government’s rescue efforts have brought several U.S. citizens into the world, the White House announced Monday that the official Hurricane Florence death toll had been raised to -17. “Thanks to President Trump’s incredible hurricane response team, the population of North and South…

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Kavanaugh Sweating Bullets After Betting Life Savings On Being Confirmed To Supreme Court

Mon, 2018-09-17 14:15

WASHINGTON—Following Christine Blasey Ford’s accusation that he sexually assaulted her at a high school party, sources close to Brett M. Kavanaugh told reporters Monday that the nominee was “sweating bullets” due to betting his entire life savings on his confirmation to the Supreme Court. “Oh, shit, it was a sure…

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Senate Republicans Seek To Delay Kavanaugh Vote Until Accuser Properly Smeared

Mon, 2018-09-17 14:06

WASHINGTON—In the wake of the release of a letter implicating the Supreme Court nominee in a sexual assault, Senate Republicans told reporters Monday that they would seek to delay a vote on Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation until his accuser, Christine Blasey Ford, was properly smeared. “Given the significance of this…

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Koch Brothers Furious Kavanaugh Never Disclosed That Nation Might Care About Sexual Abuse

Mon, 2018-09-17 13:35

WICHITA, KS—Expressing their displeasure that the Supreme Court nominee had failed to warn them about a factor that could harm his candidacy, the Koch brothers were reportedly furious Monday that Brett Kavanaugh never disclosed that the nation might care about sexual abuse. “When we agreed to spend millions of dollars…

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