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Trump Says He Disagrees With ‘Send Her Back’ Chants

Fri, 2019-07-19 18:38

President Trump told reporters that he disagreed with “send her back” chants directed at Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) at a recent campaign rally, and claimed that he attempted to cut off the chants despite this being contradicted by video from the rally. What do you think?

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Trump Picks Little Eugene Scalia—You Know, Antonin’s Boy—To Lead Labor Department

Fri, 2019-07-19 16:15

WASHINGTON—Receiving a Cabinet-level appointment that surely would have made his old man proud, little Eugene Scalia—you know, Antonin’s boy—has been selected by President Trump to serve as the nation’s new labor secretary, sources confirmed Thursday. “I always knew little Geney from down the block was destined for…

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New Study Finds Nipples Evolved To Stop Mammals From Squirting Continuous Streams Of Milk From Chests

Fri, 2019-07-19 15:45

MALIBU, CA—In a discovery that may vastly increase understanding of the vestigial growths, researchers at Pepperdine University published a study Friday concluding that nipples evolved in order to stop mammals from voiding continuous streams of milk from their chests. “According to our findings, mammals steadily…

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Trump Campaign Store Offering Special Disavowed Discount On All ‘Send Her Back’ Merchandise

Fri, 2019-07-19 15:17

WASHINGTON—In an effort to distance the President from a racist remark chanted about Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (D-MN) earlier this week, the Trump campaign store reportedly began offering a special disavowed discount Friday on all ‘Send Her Back’ merchandise. “All this week, use the promo code BACK2SOMALIA for low, low…

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Real Buzz Aldrin Spends 50th Straight Year On Moon Trying To Signal Earth To Warn Of Imposter

Fri, 2019-07-19 14:55

VALLIS ALPES, THE MOON—Yelling and waving his arms frantically in the hope that someone out there was paying attention, the real Buzz Aldrin was reportedly spending his 50th year in a row on the moon Friday trying to warn Earth of the imposter who had taken his place. “Come on, I’m right here, dammit,” shouted the…

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Mark Warner Holding Up Long Line Of Senators Waiting For Diving Board At D.C. Reflecting Pool

Fri, 2019-07-19 14:14

WASHINGTON—Shivering in his swimsuit as he peered down at the water below, Senator Mark Warner (D-VA) reportedly held up a long line of senators Friday as they waited for the diving board at the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. “C’mon, Mark, just jump in already—you’ll be fine! Plus, it’s super hot out here,” said…

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White Supremacists Warn Idealistic Trump Some Compromise Will Be Necessary To Achieve Their Goals

Fri, 2019-07-19 12:23

WASHINGTON—Expressing concerns that the President’s constant attacks on racial minorities could end up hampering the progress that has been made, white supremacist leaders warned Donald Trump Friday that some compromise will be necessary to achieve their goals. “We appreciate that President Trump is an idealist who…

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‘Now I Understand How Nazi Germany Happened,’ Says Astonished Man Finally Playing ‘Wolfenstein 3D’

Fri, 2019-07-19 11:21

TRENTON, NJ—Shaking his head in dismay as he realized how quickly the slide into authoritarianism might occur, astonished man Dennis Burton told reporters Friday that he finally understood how Nazi Germany could happen after playing Wolfenstein 3D. “I always told myself that this was the sort of thing that could never…

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Mark Sanford Considering Running Primary Attempt Against Trump

Fri, 2019-07-19 09:05

Republican Mark Sanford announced that he will spend the next month mulling whether to run a campaign for president in 2020, saying Trump’s rhetoric is a distraction from policies that should emphasize fiscal responsibility. What do you think?

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Simon, Garfunkel Pose Perfectly Still In Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Exhibit To Avoid Security Guard Catching Them Living In Museum

Fri, 2019-07-19 09:00

CLEVELAND—Recreating the iconic pose depicted on their 1970 album Bridge Over Troubled Water, Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel stood utterly motionless in a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame exhibit Friday to avoid detection by a security guard on the brink of catching them living in the museum. “That’s weird—I could have sworn…

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How Different Colors Affect Your Brain And Body

Fri, 2019-07-19 08:52

Psychological research has found that specific colors can have significant effects on the ways a person’s brain and body function. The Onion takes a deep dive into how different colors can affect your mood, actions, and more.

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Trump Disavows Supporters Who Could Barely Keep Racist Chant Going For 10 Seconds

Thu, 2019-07-18 17:35

WASHINGTON—Seeking to distance himself from supporters he claimed did not represent his message, President Donald Trump held a press conference Thursday to disavow rally attendees who could barely keep a racist chant of “send her back” going for ten seconds. “I was not happy with how quickly their chant petered out,”…

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‘Game Of Thrones’ Receives Record-Breaking 32 Nominations

Thu, 2019-07-18 17:14

Game of Thrones led the pack for the 71st Emmy Awards with a historic 32 nominations, topping competitors including Better Call Saul and Killing Eve. What do you think?

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Ruth Bader Ginsburg Suspended For Next 10 Rulings Following Supreme Court Bench-Clearing Brawl

Thu, 2019-07-18 12:26

WASHINGTON—Describing her conduct as incompatible with the values of the federal judiciary, authorities handed Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg a 10-case suspension Thursday for her role in the Supreme Court’s bench-clearing brawl. “Article III Section 1 of the Constitution states that members of this honorable court…

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Pizza Crust Saved To Make Pizza Stock

Thu, 2019-07-18 11:24

ALLENTOWN, PA—In preparation for a traditional family recipe passed down by her grandparents, local woman Nicole Fitzsimmons sealed several leftover pizza crusts in a plastic container Thursday with an eye to making pizza stock from them later this week. “Most people just throw out their ‘pizza bones,’ but there’s a…

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