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The Onion
Nation’s Mothers Announce Plans To Show You Their Spider Veins
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that blood vessels were huge, hideous, and were ruining their legs, the nation’s mothers collectively announced plans Thursday to show you their spider veins. “My god, take a look at these big, disgusting things, they run all up and down—have you ever seen something more disgusting in your…
Michigan To Become First State To Repeal Right-To-Work Laws In 60 Years
The Michigan Senate has approved a bill to repeal the state’s right-to-work law that allows employees in unionized jobs to opt out of membership and paying dues in a victory for organized labor. What do you think?
Donald Glover Confirms Barron Trump Will Be Writing On ‘Swarm’ Season 2
LOS ANGELES—Stating that his latest hire was sure to take the storyline in fascinating new directions, Donald Glover confirmed Friday that Barron Trump would be a writer on the second season of Swarm. “Barron brings a lot to the table, and we’re sure he’ll be an indispensable presence in our writers room next season,”…
Subway CEO Just Assumed Cold Cut Combo Started Covid
MILFORD, CT—With new genetic evidence tying Covid-19 to animals sold at a wet market in Wuhan, China, Subway CEO John Chidsey confirmed Friday that he had just assumed this whole time that the virus originated with the restaurant chain’s Cold Cut Combo. “I wasn’t going to say anything, but I was 99% sure Covid-19 made…
Obama Reveals His NCAA Tournament Bracket Winner Is ‘Song Of Solomon’ By Toni Morrison
WASHINGTON—In a social media post sharing his predictions, former President Barack Obama revealed Friday that the winner he had picked for his NCAA basketball tournament bracket was Song Of Solomon by Toni Morrison. “March Madness is here, and this season, my money’s on Song Of Solomon—though I’m certainly keeping my…
Americans Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day
Today, millions of Americans are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day, a Christian feast day that has evolved into a secular celebration of Irish culture with parades, festivals, drinking, and wearing the color green. How are you celebrating?
Federal Reserve Assures Venture Capitalists That They’re Very Smart And Important
WASHINGTON—In the wake of the collapse of Silicon Valley Bank and subsequent government bailout of its depositors, the Federal Reserve took steps Friday to assure venture capitalists that they’re very smart and important. “You are just the absolute most intelligent and creative bunch of guys and gals—and cute as…
‘Shazam!’ Sequel Occurs
HOLLYWOOD—Confirming that it was here now, sources reported Friday that the Shazam! sequel has occurred. “The second Shazam! movie has happened,” said sources, adding that the film has come out, it will be out for a little while, and then it will go away. “It exists. Some people will go see it in a theater and other…
Nauseous St. Patrick’s Day Reveler Unsure Whether He’s Going To Vomit Or Punch
BOSTON—As he switched between dry-heaving one minute and flailing his arms around the next, nauseous St. Patrick’s Day reveler Randy Adler, 28, announced Friday he was unsure whether he was going to vomit or punch. “Ugh, I don’t feel right—maybe I’m gonna hurl, maybe I’m gonna beat the shit out of somebody,” the local…
EPA Announces They Found A Cool Bug And Want To Keep It
WASHINGTON—Declaring that it was really super important for a big project they were working on, the Environmental Protection Agency reportedly announced Friday that they found a cool bug and want to keep it. “Look how cool and colorful it is! Please can we keep it, please?” begged EPA administrator Michael S. Regan of…
3 A.M. SXSW Set At Some Place Named Ploppy’s Beef Chunk Referred To As Big Break
Locksmith Called After Man Loses Incantation Used To Open Ancient Stone Chamber
MESA, AZ—Arriving as quickly as possible to assist a desperate customer, a locksmith was reportedly called Friday after a local man lost the incantation needed to open an ancient enchanted stone chamber. “It took him 45 minutes to get here, which is fine, but now he wants to charge me $200 just to blast through the…
Area Teen Watching March Madness Enters 2-Week Phase Where Dream School Is Creighton
UTICA, NY—Developing a passionate interest in the university that would last precisely a fortnight, an area teen watching March Madness Friday reportedly entered a two-week phase where his dream school is Creighton. “Creighton is absolutely the best fit for me and what I want to get out of college,” local high school…
ChatGPT Starting To Think Journalist Could One Day Be Capable Of Independent Thought
SAN FRANCISCO—In response to the reporter exhibiting some potential signs of awareness, ChatGPT started to think Friday that the journalist inputting prompts could one day be capable of independent thought. “It’s obvious this journalist is clearly decades away from true sentience, but this does feel like a…
New NCAA Streaming Service Lets Fans Watch 4 Capital One Commercials At Same Time
INDIANAPOLIS—Beginning this year, college basketball fans will no longer have to miss even a second of the action, sources confirmed Friday, as the new NCAA March Madness Live streaming service lets fans watch up to four Capital One commercials at the same time. “For the first time ever, fans using our web app can…
Conservatives Defend Their Anti-Trans Bigotry
Following the recent increase in hateful rhetoric towards transgender people, The Onion asked conservatives to defend their anti-trans bigotry and this is what they said.
Archaeologists Uncover Living Guy By Mistake
BLUFF, UT—Apologizing profusely for disturbing the man they found in what they had previously believed to be a 2,000-year-old Anasazi burial site, a team of archaeologists from the University of Utah reportedly uncovered a living guy by mistake Friday. “Um, excuse me, someone’s down here,” said the newly unearthed…
Ragged Houseplant Drags Itself Over Expanse Of Living Room Floor In Search Of Water
HBO Max Announces Plans To Destroy All Evidence ‘The Sopranos’ Ever Existed
NEW YORK—In the wake of recent moves to reduce the size of its library in order to save on residual payments, streaming service HBO Max announced Thursday it would move forward with a plan to destroy all evidence that The Sopranos ever existed. “Once we have finished burning the 35-millimeter film on which the series…