The Onion

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Johnny Depp Interrupts Libel Case To Duck Behind Witness Stand, Pop Up In Judge’s Robes Banging Oversized Gavel

Thu, 2020-07-09 16:48

LONDON—During testimony Thursday in his libel case against a U.K. newspaper group, Johnny Depp reportedly interrupted court proceedings when he ducked behind the witness stand and suddenly popped up behind the bench in judge’s robes and a powdered wig, banging an oversized gavel. “Hear ye, hear ye, I doth find the…

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How A Case Gets To The Supreme Court

Thu, 2020-07-09 15:03

The Supreme Court is back in session making rulings that will affect the lives of millions of Americans, shining a spotlight on how cases arrive to be heard by the nation’s highest judicial body. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how a case makes it to the Supreme Court.

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Apologetic DeSean Jackson Pledges To Learn More By Going To Hitler Museum

Thu, 2020-07-09 15:02

PHILADELPHIA—Responding to the backlash after posting a quote misattributed to the Nazi leader on his Instagram page, an apologetic DeSean Jackson pledged to deepen his understanding of anti-semitism by visiting the Hitler Museum. “I know I screwed up and I promise to do the work of educating myself on the historical…

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Supreme Court Rules Employers Can Opt Out Of Birth Control Coverage

Thu, 2020-07-09 14:48

The Supreme Court ruled 7-2 that employers with moral or religious objections do not have to provide no-cost birth control coverage to women, as had previously been required under the Affordable Care Act. What do you think?

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Total Banger On Grocery Store Loudspeaker Interrupted For Lost Child Announcement

Thu, 2020-07-09 14:29

LINCOLN, NE—Shoppers at a local Fareway Grocery were reportedly annoyed Thursday after a total banger on the loudspeaker was interrupted for a missing child announcement. “I was just starting to groove out to ‘Kodachrome’ when the store manager cuts in for some bullshit about parents who can’t find their kid,” said…

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Teen Who Died From Coronavirus Probably Had Undiagnosed Old Age

Thu, 2020-07-09 14:27

PHOENIX—Noting that the medical problem was common in these sorts of cases, sources confirmed Thursday that 17-year-old Kevin Albright, a local teenager who died of coronavirus, probably had undiagnosed old age. “Sure, it’s obviously a tragedy anytime someone loses their life to the coronavirus, but in this case, it’s…

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Panicking Professional Poker Player Suddenly Can’t Remember Whether Ace Is Better Than King

Thu, 2020-07-09 13:50

LAS VEGAS—Feeling completely helpless while staring down at his cards, professional poker player Tony Eggold reportedly began to panic Thursday after suddenly realizing he couldn’t remember whether an ace was better than a king. “Okay, okay focus—I have $147,000 in the pot right now, so I’ve got to figure this out…

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Cam Newton Scrambling To Get Up To Speed After Patriots Send Him Playbook Of Every NFL Team

Thu, 2020-07-09 13:30

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Hurriedly trying to organize the dozens of boxes from around the league ahead of his preseason season debut, Cam Newton told reporters Thursday that he was scrambling to get up to speed after the New England Patriots sent him a playbook of every NFL team. “This is thousands of pages, it’s going to take…

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Cursed Responders

Thu, 2020-07-09 13:04
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FBI Warns Teenage Cyberbullying Driving Hundreds Of Undercover Agents To Suicide

Thu, 2020-07-09 09:22

OPR sits down with several former undercover agents who were mocked for their looks, their bad clothes, and the fact that they were all virgins.

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Pandemic Accelerating Decline Of Paper Currency

Thu, 2020-07-09 09:06

Analysts say the pandemic has increased the rate at which Americans are abandoning cash in favor of digital payments as businesses and consumers move to online shopping in order to reduce physical contact. What do you think?

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Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro Tests Positive For Covid-19

Wed, 2020-07-08 17:22

Following months of refusing to wear a mask or socially distance, Brazil’s president announced Tuesday that he has Covid-19, telling reporters that he assumed he had already contracted the virus earlier because of his close contact with the public. What do you think?

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Man Can’t Shake Feeling That Someone Other Than Government, Employer, Advertisers Watching Him

Wed, 2020-07-08 16:10

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Desperately attempting to free himself from a lingering sense of paranoia, local man Adreese Fowler admitted Wednesday that he just couldn’t seem to shake the creeping sensation that someone other than the government, his employer, and advertisers was watching him. “I keep getting this eerie feeling…

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How To Extend The Lifespan Of Your Tech Devices

Wed, 2020-07-08 15:25

As economic uncertainty drives people to be cost-conscious, keeping your technology functioning longer can save money and reduce stress. The Onion offers tips for extending the lifespan of your tech devices. 

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Corrupt Policeman Worried About Working With Partner Who Has Never Once Taken Bribe

Wed, 2020-07-08 14:22

BOSTON—Saying he “doesn’t know what this fucking guy’s problem is,” corrupt police officer Glen Morris confirmed Wednesday that he was deeply concerned to be working with a partner who has never once taken a bribe. “Maybe he’s got an issue with how I run my beat, but this is how it works around here and I’m not about…

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Man Somehow Able To Muster Strength To Fold Laundry Without Listening To Podcast

Wed, 2020-07-08 11:26

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Drawing from deep wells of courage he had previously assumed depleted, local man Alex Delande somehow mustered the strength Wednesday to fold laundry without listening to a podcast. Eyewitnesses marveled as the audacious 31-year-old persevered through seven towels and nine pairs of pants without…

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