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The Onion
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The Casting Grouch

Tue, 2017-10-17 16:03
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Aides Concerned Trump’s Mental Health Declining After President Admits He May Not Be Omnipotent Living God

Tue, 2017-10-17 14:54

WASHINGTON—Alarmed by the sudden change in his thinking and behavior, White House aides said Tuesday that they were concerned about President Trump’s declining mental health after he admitted he may not be an omnipotent living god. “The president has always been completely clearheaded about his status as the supreme being, so we naturally began to suspect something wasn’t right when he started openly doubting that he was the creator and eternal master of existence,” said Trump staffer Greg Fairfield, adding that he sincerely hoped that the president was just tired or under stress on those occasions when he second-guessed his status as an all-knowing, all-seeing divinity. “It’s just these little moments here or there where he mutters something like, ‘Maybe the universe didn’t spring forth from my essence,’ that make us worry he’s not quite there. I mean, that’s just not who he ...

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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

Tue, 2017-10-17 14:01

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick. “Fucking Dave; this is all his fault,” said the feverish Mosley, recalling when coworker Dave Barlow coughed several times throughout the day last week at work and neglected to cover his goddamn mouth. “I bet that piece of shit got me sick when we were talking in the elevator. He kept sniffing and wiping his nose. That fucking moron claimed it was allergies. He probably knew it wasn’t, that fucking dick.” At press time, several of Mosley’s other coworkers were reportedly at home sick with a virus, which they were all currently blaming “that stupid fucking dumbshit Mosley” for spreading around the office.

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Pollution Exposure During Pregnancy May Shorten Baby’s Life

Tue, 2017-10-17 13:59

A study found that pregnant women exposed to higher levels of air pollution gave birth to babies with shorter telomeres, a possible sign of premature aging and predictor of health problems. What do you think?

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Fuck, I Totally Forgot To Fight For Women’s Rights And Promote Sustainability

Tue, 2017-10-17 10:23

Talk about an “oops” moment! The other day, after a White House staff meeting, I was walking past the Blue Room when I had this vague sense that I’d spaced out on something major. As much as I racked my brain, though, I just couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was. It was only later in the afternoon when I was working at my desk that it finally hit me out of the blue—I totally fucking forgot to fight for women’s rights and promote sustainability!

I knew there was something I’d been meaning to do. Dammit!

Have you ever had that happen? You know, that feeling that you’ve left an important item off your to-do list but can’t figure out what it was, only for it to unexpectedly pop right back into your head later on? Well, guilty as charged! I ...

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Halloween By The Numbers

Tue, 2017-10-17 10:17
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Historians Suggest ‘Goodfellas’ YouTube Clips May Be Fragments Of Larger Work

Tue, 2017-10-17 09:04

LOS ANGELES—Saying there were too many similarities for it to be mere coincidence, historians from the University of Southern California suggested on Thursday that each of the Goodfellas clips on YouTube might be fragments of a larger artistic work. “After analyzing more than 400 separate videos, I believe there is strong evidence linking the characters, settings, and dialogue to a broader narrative, possibly related to organized crime in the middle-to-late 20th century,” said USC film history professor Patrick Carnevale, theorizing that the teenage Henry Hill character who did small jobs for the neighborhood wiseguys and the adult Henry Hill who set up the Lufthansa heist were, in fact, one and the same. “For instance, we originally thought a four-minute clip of Tommy getting insulted by Billy Batts in a Queens bar and later participating in his murder was its own distinct masterpiece, but when we looked at it in ...

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Scientists Warn Yellowstone Supervolcano Could Erupt Sooner Than Thought

Tue, 2017-10-17 08:59

Researchers warned that a massive volcano underneath Yellowstone National Park could erupt sooner than expected, potentially wiping out most life on earth. What do you think?

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How Gerrymandering Works

Tue, 2017-10-17 08:52

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 17, 2017

Tue, 2017-10-17 08:00
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Tips To Spice Up Your Sex Life

Mon, 2017-10-16 19:00
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Snakes On Caduceus Clearly In Love

Mon, 2017-10-16 16:37
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Larry Flynt Offers $10 Million Reward For Info Leading To Trump Impeachment

Mon, 2017-10-16 15:02

Hustler magazine founder Larry Flynt used a full-page ad in the Washington Post to offer a $10 million bounty for information leading to Donald Trump’s impeachment. What do you think?

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Starbucks Offering New Lukewarm Coffee To Help Ease Customers’ Transition From Iced To Hot

Mon, 2017-10-16 14:49

SEATTLE—Introducing the latest seasonal drink to its menu, Starbucks announced Monday that the company is now offering a new lukewarm coffee to help ease customers’ transition from iced to hot beverages. “Our new Tepid Roast will be available for a limited time in select cities where temperatures have started to dip between 70 and 60 degrees Fahrenheit,” said spokeswoman Heather Grant, adding that the fairly recently brewed coffee, which has been left sitting out on the counter for a while, is already available at Starbucks locations in several Northern states experiencing weather that’s not warm enough for an iced caffè Americano but also not really chilly enough either to order a hot latte. “In most places, our room temperature coffee will only be around for a couple of weeks while the weather is mild, so we encourage customers to visit their local Starbucks to get one while it ...

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Trump Administration Sends 30 Million Nothing To Puerto Rico Victims

Mon, 2017-10-16 13:37

WASHINGTON—In an effort to assist victims still struggling from the devastating effects of Hurricane Maria, the Trump administration announced Monday that it was sending 30 million nothing to Puerto Rico. “The people of Puerto Rico need our support, which is why we’re pledging to deliver them tens of millions of nothing whatsoever,” said White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, adding that nothing, on neither ships nor airplanes, would be rushed to the island to help desperate residents recover from the storm that has killed at least 48 people and virtually destroyed the commonwealth’s electrical grid. “Our relief effort includes tons of crucial nothing for the sick and injured, as well as thousands of gallons of fresh, clean nothing for inhabitants literally in danger of dying of thirst. We’ve also marshaled our resources to ensure that the people of Puerto Rico receive this nothing as soon ...

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MLB Warns Homerun Hitters League Almost Out Of Balls

Mon, 2017-10-16 13:14

NEW YORK—Cautioning players to think twice before taking any more big swings at the plate this season, the MLB warned its home-run hitters Monday that they’re almost completely out of baseballs. “Just so you all know, we’re down to like, 12 balls, so please keep that in mind before you try to crank any more out of the park,” read the league’s official statement released to the remaining four playoff teams, emphasizing that batters will need to change their habits if they want the sport to continue through the end of the World Series. “If everyone could chip in with singles, doubles, or even triples, that would go a long way. ’Cause once we’re out of balls, we’re done.” The statement went on to add that, in light of the shortage, catchers will have to be far less picky about which balls are too ...

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Study Finds Flushing Toilets Wastes Billions Of Gallons Of Piss And Shit Annually

Mon, 2017-10-16 12:58

SYRACUSE, NY—Saying Americans squandered the valuable resource on a massive scale, a study released Monday by Syracuse University found that flushing toilets wasted billions of gallons of piss and shit annually. “When looking at aggregate flushing data from both households and businesses, it’s clear that the amount of piss and shit lost every year is astronomical and deeply concerning,” said lead author Barbara Wehl, adding that instead of being put to good use, hundreds of millions of tons of human excrement are ending up in water treatment facilities and landfills across the country. “Once the handle is depressed, all of that fecal matter and urine is sent right down the drain to the sewers where it becomes completely worthless. And we’re talking about brand-new, perfectly good shit. When scaled up, you can see how that starts to become a huge problem.” The researchers went on to say ...

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UCLA Offering Depression Screenings For All Incoming Students

Mon, 2017-10-16 12:27

To lessen the stigma of seeking mental health treatment, and to help manage stress, UCLA will now offer free depression screenings for all incoming students. What do you think?

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Heavenly Authorities Arrest God For Leaving Children In Overheating Planet

Mon, 2017-10-16 11:35

THE HEAVENS—Charging the supreme being with felony reckless endangerment, heavenly authorities placed the Lord our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, under arrest Monday for leaving His children trapped in an overheating planet. “While it’s possible for even the most attentive deity to momentarily forget how quickly a planet’s temperature can rise, that’s no excuse for such horrifying negligence,” said the archangel Selaphiel, noting that The Almighty had put not just one of his children at risk, but billions. “Frankly, we’re lucky we got there and pried open the atmosphere when we did or they would have all been gone in less than 100 years.” At press time, a tearful God said He had only left to run a brief errand just on the other side of the galaxy and said He would never forgive Himself.

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Man Embarrassed Thinking About Every Opinion He’s Ever Articulated

Mon, 2017-10-16 10:36

MINEOLA, NY—Ashamed anew with each new thought that entered his consciousness, local man Paul Bridges reported Monday that he was filled with embarrassment about every opinion that he has ever articulated. “Oh my god, I can’t believe I told everyone how much I loved going on cruises, or that Rockapella’s original songs were actually pretty good, or that I supported invading Iraq, or that my favorite book was The DaVinci Code,” said the 31-year-old, explaining that every preference he has expressed in his lifetime, from food to politics to pop culture to technology, inevitably became a source of complete mortification. “Jesus, and all those things I said when I met my girlfriend’s parents, or had my review at work, or wrote my third-grade book report—I’ve never once had a point of view that didn’t come back to humiliate me.” Bridges went on to ...

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