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Updated: 36 min 53 sec ago

Coral Reefs Could Disappear Within Next 80 Years

Thu, 2020-02-20 17:45

Researchers at the University of Hawaii predict that 90% of the world’s coral reefs could die in the next 20 years and that reefs could disappear entirely by 2100 as climate change increases ocean temperatures. What do you think?

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God In Critical Condition

Thu, 2020-02-20 17:01

The Lord God, Maker of Heaven and Earth, was rushed into emergency surgery after accidentally shooting Himself while cleaning His gun. Hear what doctors have to say about His chances of recovery.

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Bloomberg Housekeepers Brace For Another Day Of Dressing Up Like DNC Candidates And Letting Boss Beat Them In Debate

Thu, 2020-02-20 16:57

NEW YORK—Standing behind podiums scattered around the living room, Mike Bloomberg’s housekeepers braced for another day of dressing up like DNC candidates and letting their boss beat them in a debate, sources confirmed Thursday. “I’m supposed to be polishing the silver today, but instead I have to wear a stupid white…

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Recently Concussed Americans March On Washington D.C. Demanding The Right To Sleep

Thu, 2020-02-20 16:23

WASHINGTON—Meandering through the National Mall as they forgot where they were headed, thousands of recently concussed Americans marched on Washington D.C. Thursday demanding the right to sleep. “Every citizen deserves to go night-night for just a few minutes without being shaken awake by those who would insist we…

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Biden Begging Donors To Stop Sending Money So He Can Quit Race

Thu, 2020-02-20 15:47

WASHINGTON—Imploring his supporters to relieve him of his obligations on the campaign trail, former vice president and current presidential candidate Joe Biden reportedly begged his donors Thursday to stop sending him money so he could quit the presidential race. “Look, folks, we are at an important crossroads in our…

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George Zimmerman Sues Buttigieg, Warren

Thu, 2020-02-20 15:29

George Zimmerman, whose acquittal for shooting and killing Trayvon Martin sparked national debate, is suing Pete Buttigieg and Elizabeth Warren for defamation, claiming their tributes to Martin were attempts to “garner votes in the black community.” What do you think?

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How To Handle Texting Anxiety

Thu, 2020-02-20 13:48
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Increased Airtime Of Chantix Commercials Results In Ray Liotta Qualifying For Democratic Debate

Wed, 2020-02-19 23:17

LAS VEGAS—In a powerful testament to the role television advertising still plays in driving national polls, increased airtime of commercials for tobacco cessation aid Chantix led to celebrity spokesperson Ray Liotta qualifying for Wednesday night’s Democratic Debate. “Chantix has made some especially aggressive ad…

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‘I’ll Rule You Peasants With An Iron Fist,’ Says Bloomberg To Standing Ovation During DNC Debate

Wed, 2020-02-19 22:23

LAS VEGAS—In a demonstration of the high level of enthusiasm the former New York City mayor enjoys among the electorate, surging presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg was met with a standing ovation during the Democratic debate Wednesday as he promised to “rule you peasants with an iron fist.” “Kneel before me and…

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Panicking Aides Finally Locate Biden At Wrong Venue Following Cirque Du Soleil Performers Onstage

Wed, 2020-02-19 21:29

LAS VEGAS—After frantically searching for the former vice president in the hours leading up to Wednesday night’s debate, panicked campaign aides reportedly located Joe Biden at Las Vegas’ Treasure Island Hotel, where the candidate appeared to have followed a Cirque du Soleil troupe onstage. “There he is, up…

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Trump Pardons Rod Blagojevich

Wed, 2020-02-19 18:04

President Trump commuted the 14-year prison sentence of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, who has been in federal prison since 2012 after he was convicted of attempting to sell Barack Obama’s empty Senate seat. What do you think?

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Adobe Photoshop Turns 30

Wed, 2020-02-19 17:40

February 19 marks 30 years since the release of Adobe Photoshop, a photo-editing software that’s since become synonymous with digital photo manipulation. The Onion looks back at key moments in the history of Photoshop on its 30-year anniversary.

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Australian Officials Touting Bushfire As Huge Success

Wed, 2020-02-19 17:18

Parliament officials in Canberra are celebrating today, touting the success of their new wildfire introduction program that is designed to control the country’s pestering koala population.

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