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‘That’s It, I’m Voting For Him,’ Says Undecided Voter Impressed By Poised Chris Wallace

8 hours 6 min ago

BUCKEYE, AZ—Announcing during the presidential debate that he had made up his mind about who to support in the upcoming election, local undecided voter Alan Wills reportedly stated, “That’s it, I’m voting for him,” Tuesday after being impressed by poised moderator Chris Wallace. “That man has got my vote,” said Wills…

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Trump Stokes Crime Fears By Having Mike Pompeo Disguise As Cat Burglar, Rob Him On Debate Stage

8 hours 41 min ago

CLEVELAND—Letting out a forced gasp at the phony mugging, President Donald Trump stoked fears surrounding crime Tuesday by having Secretary of State Mike Pompeo disguise himself as a cat burglar and rob him on the debate stage. “Oh no, look, it’s a violent Antifa thug sent here by Joe Biden to rob me!” said Trump,…

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Biden, Trump Meet In First Presidential Debate

Tue, 2020-09-29 14:44

Former Vice President Joe Biden and President Donald Trump will go head-to-head in Cleveland, Ohio, tonight in the first of three scheduled debates, with topics focusing on Covid-19, the economy, and the Supreme Court. What do you think?

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California Firefighters Massage 2.5 Million Gallons Of Moisturizer Into Forests To Prevent Dryness

Tue, 2020-09-29 12:30

SANTA ROSA, CA—Reminding the public that “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure,” the California Department of Forestry and Fire Protection reportedly massaged 2.5 million gallons of moisturizer into parched state forests Tuesday to break the cycle of dryness that has led to continual flare-ups. “The number …

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Nation To Take Five

Tue, 2020-09-29 11:30

WASHINGTON—Unveiling a plan to enjoy a few minutes to themselves before diving back in, the nation’s populace announced its intention Tuesday to take a fiver. “Looks like we’ve got some time to stretch our legs, chitchat, maybe grab a granola bar before we have to meet back here again,” said resident Brett Combs,…

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White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October

Tue, 2020-09-29 09:06

Initial timelines have estimated a Covid vaccine could be available by early 2021, but according to the White House, we may have something even sooner. Hear why the Trump administration believes they will have some kind of sharp thing to puncture your skin and inject you with before the election.

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Grandmother Hopes Leaving 600 Pounds Of Old Newspapers To Grandson Doesn’t Make His Cousins Jealous

Tue, 2020-09-29 09:05

DORMONT, PA—Emphasizing that she loved each of her seven grandchildren equally, local grandmother Esther Horn was reportedly hoping Tuesday the 600 pounds of old newspapers she was leaving to her grandson wouldn’t make his cousins jealous. “I don’t want it to seem like I’m playing favorites here, but I already…

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Astronaut To Vote From Space

Tue, 2020-09-29 09:00

For the second time in her career, NASA astronaut Dr. Kate Rubins will cast her vote for president from space, electronically forwarding her ballot from the International Space Station to Mission Control in Houston. What do you think?

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Doing Their Part: Nintendo Is Encouraging Gamers To Register To Vote And Write In Mario For President

Tue, 2020-09-29 08:00

This is really inspiring, gamers. With the coming election less than five weeks away, we need all hands on deck to make sure our democracy continues to flourish. Thankfully, the gaming legends at Nintendo are doing their part with their new “Switch the Polls” campaign that encourages gamers to register to vote and…

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Trump Nominates Judge Amy Coney Barrett To Supreme Court

Mon, 2020-09-28 18:13

President Trump announced Judge Amy Coney Barrett as his nominee for the Supreme Court, a former clerk for Justice Antonin Scalia who at 48 would be the youngest justice on the court if she is confirmed. What do you think?

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GOP Says Giving Trump Second Term Would Be Christian Act Of Charity For Poor Elderly Man

Mon, 2020-09-28 16:45

WASHINGTON—Observing that scripture calls upon the faithful to care for the downtrodden and dispossessed, top GOP leaders argued Monday that giving President Donald Trump a second term would be a Christian act of charity for a poor, elderly man. “The First Epistle of John tells us God’s love abides in those who open…

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BREAKING: ‘The Onion’ Has Obtained The IRS Tax Form 1040

Mon, 2020-09-28 15:45

The duty of a free press has always been to provide readers with a comprehensive and unvarnished picture of the world writ large. Though governments and their officials may strive to conceal vital documents from the public eye, The Onion insists that true journalism consists in shedding light upon even the darkest…

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Panicked Woman Scrambles To Write Down ‘$750’ Before 24-Hour News Cycle Wipes Memory Clean

Mon, 2020-09-28 14:50

DULUTH, ID—Throwing open drawers and tossing the entire contents on the floor as part of her desperate search, local woman Lisa Rhodes was reportedly scrambling Monday to find a pen and paper to write down “$750” before the 24-hour news cycle completely wiped her memory clean. “Come on, come on, there’s got to be a…

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Republicans Argue Referring To Amy Coney Barrett As ‘Trump’s Court Pick’ Carries Deeply Anti-Catholic Undertones

Mon, 2020-09-28 14:40

WASHINGTON—Accusing their Democratic opponents of using coded language to stir up prejudice among the electorate, Republicans argued Monday that references to Amy Coney Barrett as “Trump’s court pick” carried deeply anti-Catholic undertones. “To attack Judge Barrett’s faith by calling her ‘President Trump’s nominee…

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Townspeople Declare We All Decent Folks Round These Parts Who Don’t Want No Trouble

Mon, 2020-09-28 12:25

LOWELL TOWNSHIP—Announcing their longstanding policy of keeping to themselves mostly, local townspeople declared Monday that they were all decent folks round these parts and didn’t want no trouble. “We’re just simple folk and don’t need no out-of-towners coming down and stirring up a fuss,” said shop proprietor Tom…

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