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Golden Globes Voters Pampered On ‘Emily In Paris’ Set Visit

Wed, 2021-02-24 16:16

Emily in Paris producers reportedly flew Hollywood Foreign Press members to Paris for a lavish set visit that included a $1,400-per-night hotel stay, fueling skepticism around the legitimacy of the show’s award nominations. What do you think?

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Joe Manchin Claims West Virginians Too Deficient In Character, Grit To Deserve $15 Minimum Wage

Wed, 2021-02-24 14:05

WASHINGTON—Alleging that residents of his home state were just looking for a handout, Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) claimed Wednesday that West Virginians were too deficient in character and grit to deserve a $15 minimum wage. “Frankly, Mountain Staters have never shown the work ethic or drive necessary to merit $15 an…

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Why Texas Power Grids Failed

Wed, 2021-02-24 14:02
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Career Timeline Of Daft Punk

Wed, 2021-02-24 13:55

The French electronic music duo Daft Punk announced their breakup after a massively influential 28-year run. The Onion looks back at the top moments of Daft Punk.

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Japan Appoints Minister Of Loneliness

Wed, 2021-02-24 09:53

Japan has appointed a “minister of loneliness,” a role that aims to reduce social isolation and loneliness among Japan’s residents as the country deals with rising suicide rates. What do you think?

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Mitch McConnell Presses Merrick Garland About Legal Philosophy On Vengeance

Tue, 2021-02-23 15:50

WASHINGTON—Refusing to back down from the line of questioning in hopes of getting a detailed answer, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell repeatedly pressed attorney general nominee Merrick Garland Tuesday about his legal philosophy when it came to the issue of seething personal vengeance. “Now, Judge Garland, how…

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Gaming Win: This Pro Gamer Did Something Terrible And Everyone Is Sweeping It Under The Rug Like He’s A Real Celebrity

Tue, 2021-02-23 15:10

Let’s face it, readers, society at large has historically looked down on video gaming. Even as the medium has surged in popularity and esteem, many still don’t consider it a “legit” art form. Fortunately, though, that stigma seems poised to change! In a major gaming win, a popular pro gamer did something terrible, and…

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Deathbed Letter Implicates NYPD, FBI In Malcolm X Murder

Tue, 2021-02-23 14:57

The family of Malcolm X have released a former police officer’s written deathbed confession that implicates the NYPD and FBI in the 1965 assassination of the Black nationalist leader. What do you think?

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Spirit Who Caught Typhus En Route To Siege Of Antioch Figures It Simpler Just To Say He Died In The Crusades

Tue, 2021-02-23 14:20

PERDITION—While admitting that the explanation was not technically true, 943-year-old spirit Brictric of Waddesdon confirmed Tuesday that he had found it simpler to just tell fellow denizens of the afterlife that he died in the Crusades despite actually catching typhus en route to the Siege of Antioch. “Sure, it isn’t…

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El Chapo’s Wife Arrested On Drug Charges Exactly As Planned

Tue, 2021-02-23 14:15

DULLES, VA—Bringing the couple’s stunning machinations that much closer to realization, Emma Coronel Aispuro—the former beauty queen and wife of notorious drug kingpin “El Chapo”—was arrested at Dulles International Airport this week, exactly as planned. “Today, we detained Miss Aispuro for her suspected role in…

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Biden Unveils Cool Teen Migrant Detainment Center Where Youths Can Hang Out And Never Leave

Tue, 2021-02-23 13:55

CARRIZO SPRINGS, TX—In an effort to provide vulnerable youths with a structured, supervised environment, President Joe Biden unveiled a hip teen migrant detainment center Tuesday where kids could hang out and never leave. “We think migrant teenagers are going to love getting a chance to kick back and chillax in this…

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Discontinued Girl Scout Cookies

Tue, 2021-02-23 12:50

These cookies, made from sesame flour, sesame oil, and topped with sesame seeds, were made as a special fuck you to all the kids out there with a sesame allergy.

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Texans Facing Electricity Bills As High As $17,000 Following Winter Storm

Tue, 2021-02-23 09:43

Wholesale electricity prices in Texas skyrocketed during last week’s severe winter storm, leaving some residents with bills upwards of $5,000 for just five days of energy use and at least one customer owing nearly $17,000. What do you think?

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NBA Shot Clock Ejected From Game After Startling Referee With Buzzer

Mon, 2021-02-22 17:50

NEW ORLEANS—In a controversial call that quickly drew widespread criticism, NBA referee Josh Tiven reportedly ejected the shot clock at the New Orleans Pelicans game Sunday after it startled the official with its buzzer. “The Pelicans’ shot clock was clearly trying to disrupt the game with its rude, loud buzzing,…

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Trump Worried Biden Will Take Credit For 500,000 Covid Deaths He Made Possible

Mon, 2021-02-22 15:00

PALM BEACH, FL—Seething over the fact he was no longer in the Oval Office as pandemic casualties reached a new milestone, former President Trump expressed worry Monday that President Biden would take credit for the 500,000 Covid deaths the Trump administration had made possible. “No other president could have pushed…

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