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Trump Backs Release Of Mueller Report

Thu, 2019-03-21 16:59

While fielding questions from journalists, President Trump stated that he looks forward to the release of the investigation into the 2016 election, saying, “Let it come out. Let people see it—that’s up to the attorney general.” What do you think? 

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Trump Ramps Up Attacks On John McCain By Dragging Senator’s Exhumed Corpse Behind Motorcade

Thu, 2019-03-21 15:20

WASHINGTON—Doubling down on his criticism of the departed lawmaker in the face of bipartisan condemnation, President Trump ramped up his attacks Thursday against the late John McCain by exhuming the senator’s corpse and dragging it behind his presidential motorcade. “I’m having some trouble understanding the strategy…

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Experts Caution New Car Loses 90% Of Value As Soon As You Drive It Off Cliff

Thu, 2019-03-21 15:04

HEATHROW, FL—Warning consumers of the hidden pitfalls of vehicle depreciation, experts from the American Automobile Association cautioned Thursday that the average new car loses 90 percent of the original sticker price as soon as you drive it off a cliff. “It’s important buyers be aware that when they purchase a…

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Coachella Unveils Premium VIP Areas Where Fans Will Be Able To See, Hear Bands

Thu, 2019-03-21 13:49

INDIO, CA—Touting the tickets as offering the best experience for fans of the music festival, Coachella organizers on Thursday reportedly unveiled premium VIP areas where fans will be able to see and hear the bands. “For just $1,299, our special VIP passes give festival attendees parking, admission to the campground,…

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None Of Mom’s Clothes Can Be Cleaned Using Washing Machine

Thu, 2019-03-21 11:11

MEQUON, WI—Taken aback by their mother’s high-maintenance wardrobe, household sources confirmed Thursday that none of Bianca Dern’s clothes can be simply placed in a standard washing machine for cleaning. “Mom won’t even let me touch any of her laundry. I’ve tried to help out, but everything needs to be washed…

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Arctic Locked In To Warm 9 Degrees By End Of Century

Thu, 2019-03-21 10:46

A United Nations report revealed that even if carbon pollution stopped tomorrow, the region’s winters would warm by 9 degrees Fahrenheit by 2100. What do you think?

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Tips For Quitting Juul

Thu, 2019-03-21 10:33
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Beto O’Rourke Smashes Records With $6.1 Million In Fundraising

Wed, 2019-03-20 16:44

Democratic hopeful Beto O’Rourke raised a record-breaking $6.1 million in the first day of his 2020 run, his campaign announced this week. What do you think?

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Devin Nunes Threatens Defamation Lawsuit After Reputation Ruined By His Official Twitter Account

Wed, 2019-03-20 15:06

WASHINGTON—Vowing to fight tooth and nail against what he called “an insidious smear campaign,” Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA) announced Wednesday he was considering filing a defamation lawsuit against his official Twitter account for ruining his reputation. “The figure behind @DevinNunes has disparaged my good name in what…

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Biden Pulls Off Dusty Tarp Covering Old Campaign Motorcycle

Wed, 2019-03-20 14:24

WASHINGTON—Saying it was time to “get out the hog for one last ride,” former Vice President Joe Biden pulled the dusty painter’s tarp off of his old campaign motorcycle Wednesday, gently running his hand along the polished chrome headlight and muttering “welcome back, baby.”

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Son Needs Costume, 30 Individually Wrapped Treats Tomorrow Morning For Some School Celebration

Wed, 2019-03-20 12:10

ATHENS, OH—Confessing that he was completely blindsided by the request, parent Erik Schaff said Wednesday that his son Cody, 8, needed a full-body costume and 30 individually wrapped treats by tomorrow morning for some sort of school celebration. “Cody just handed me a note saying that the third grade is holding an…

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Pros And Cons Of Canceling Student Loan Debt

Wed, 2019-03-20 11:54

Student loan debt in the United States has risen to $1.5 trillion owed by tens of millions of people, leading to calls for it to be wiped out, although opponents are concerned about the economic and ethical consequences. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of canceling student loan debt.

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Literary Historians Uncover Collection Of Breezy, Upbeat Edgar Allan Poe Writings Penned After Author Took Up Jogging

Wed, 2019-03-20 11:50

BOSTON—In a discovery shedding light on the famous macabre author’s less-acknowledged qualities, literary historians at Harvard University unearthed Wednesday dozens of uplifting poems and breezy short stories written by Edgar Allan Poe later in his life after he got into the habit of jogging. “Poe’s later, much more…

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One Million Pounds Of Pork Seized At New Jersey Port

Wed, 2019-03-20 11:02

Federal agents seized 1 million pounds of pork products at a New Jersey port in the largest agricultural bust in U.S. history. What do you think?

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Biggest Drug Busts In U.S. History

Wed, 2019-03-20 10:56
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Facebook Removes 1.5 Million Videos Of New Zealand Mass Shooting

Tue, 2019-03-19 17:29

In the first 24 hours after the attacks, Facebook removed 1.5 million videos of the recent New Zealand terror attacks, 1.2 million of which were blocked immediately at upload to reduce the act’s virality. What do you think?

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Historians Uncover Lost Socrates Dialogues Where He Just Gave Up And Started Screaming That Opponent A Fucking Brainwashed Shill

Tue, 2019-03-19 16:29

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a landmark discovery that sheds new light on the development of Western thought, historians announced Tuesday they had found several lost Socratic dialogues in which the ancient Greek philosopher simply gives up and screams that his debate opponents are all fucking brainwashed shills. “In these newly…

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Scotland Yard Frees 163-Year-Old British Man After DNA Evidence Clears Him Of Being Jack The Ripper

Tue, 2019-03-19 15:59

LONDON—Bringing an end to years of controversy and legal challenges, Scotland Yard officials announced Tuesday that they had freed 163-year-old British man James Babington Gaskell after DNA evidence found him innocent of murder charges related to notorious serial killer Jack the Ripper. “It’s certainly a gross…

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Yelp-Like App Helps Trump Supporters Find MAGA-Friendly Restaurants

Tue, 2019-03-19 15:24

After a spat of patrons being ejected from restaurants for wearing MAGA hats, a new app named 63red Safe will help users find restaurants that serve patrons of all political beliefs. What do you think?

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