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Area Dad Knew That Play Would Never Work

Sun, 2020-11-22 15:30

NEW KENSINGTON, PA—Groaning and pounding his fists on the side of the couch as running back James Conner was tackled for a short two-yard gain, area dad Joseph Mitchem announced during Sunday’s Steelers game that he knew that play would never work. “Jesus Christ, how stupid can you be. They run this fuckin’ play a…

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Buzzfeed To Acquire HuffPost

Fri, 2020-11-20 16:25

Buzzfeed announced plans Thursday to buy news and commentary website HuffPost from Verizon Media, which will become a minority shareholder of the company. What do you think?

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Nation Can’t Believe They Spent So Long Overlooking Obvious Solution Of mRNA Instructions For Spike Protein Encapsulated In Lipid Nanoparticle

Fri, 2020-11-20 15:10

NEW YORK—Shaking their heads in amazement at their failure to see what had been staring them in the face during the entire pandemic, the nation expressed disbelief Friday that they had spent so long overlooking the obvious solution of encapsulating the mRNA instructions for a coronavirus-based spike protein in a…

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FDA Delays Emergency Vaccine Approval Until They Finish Evaluating New Bagged Salad Kit

Fri, 2020-11-20 14:30

WASHINGTON—Clarifying that the federal agency would take a look at Pfizer’s submission eventually, the FDA announced Friday that it would delay the emergency coronavirus vaccine approval until they were finished evaluating a bagged salad kit. “We understand how important it is to get this vaccine to Americans as soon…

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The Worst Sports Teams Of All Time

Fri, 2020-11-20 14:00

From Tom Brady’s ageless pursuit of NFL dominance to the crisp, thrilling perfection of the showtime Lakers, professional sports can be a showcase for amazing talent, dedication, and human achievement. Or it can be a showcase for the New York Jets. Here is Onion Sports’ list of the worst professional sports teams of…

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Report: You Were Lonely Before The Pandemic Started, And You’ll Be Lonely After It Ends

Fri, 2020-11-20 13:50

DENVER—According to a thorough analysis of your inability to form meaningful human connections, a report released Friday found that you were lonely before the pandemic started, and you’ll be lonely after it ends. “An overwhelming amount of evidence indicates that while being surrounded by others wasn’t enough to…

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Man On Zoom Date Unsure If He Expected To Pay Internet Bill

Fri, 2020-11-20 13:15

WENHAM, MA—Expressing confusion as to the correct etiquette for the new situation, Zach Kartman, a local man on a video date, was reportedly unsure Friday if he was supposed to be the one to pay the internet bill. “I don’t really know what the expectation is here,” said a slightly flustered Kartman, telling reporters…

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Cloaked Man On White Steed Sick Of People Asking Him For Tidings From The North

Fri, 2020-11-20 11:25

THE COLD LANDS—Saying he didn’t know what it was about his cloak and white steed that drew them to him, local traveler Cosmus of Bonvia confirmed Friday that he was sick of people asking him for tidings from the north. “What, a man can’t journey through Forgotten Pass anymore without being stopped at every juncture by…

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The Coronavirus Vaccine’s Path To Availability

Fri, 2020-11-20 10:20

Recent announcements of relatively successful coronavirus vaccine trials have stoked optimism about their widespread distribution, but there are more hurdles to clear before that becomes a reality. The Onion looks at a coronavirus vaccine’s path to availability.

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Hormel CEO Dares Anyone To Try And Come For His Chili Empire

Fri, 2020-11-20 09:43

Hear why if you come for the crown of Hormel CEO Jim Snee, King of Chili, you best not miss.

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40% Of Americans Plan To Attend Large Thanksgiving Celebrations

Fri, 2020-11-20 09:33

Despite the pandemic, a survey by The Ohio State University finds that 40% of Americans intend to celebrate Thanksgiving with groups of 10 or more people and that a third of respondents will not ask guests to wear masks. What do you think?

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‘Your Honor, I’m Ready To Present,’ Says Giuliani Pulling Rotted Melon, Stray Cat Out Of Old Burlap Sack

Thu, 2020-11-19 18:20

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Informing the judge that he had definitive proof of voter fraud against Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani reportedly announced Thursday in court “Your honor, I’m ready to present” as he pulled a rotted melon and a stray cat out of an old burlap sack. “Give me a second and I’ll show you hard evidence that…

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‘People’ Names Michael B. Jordan Sexiest Man Alive

Thu, 2020-11-19 17:36

Actor Michael B. Jordan has been named People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2020, a title the Black Panther star called “a good club to be a part of.” What do you think?

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Best Grace Scenario

Thu, 2020-11-19 17:33
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Winners And Losers Of The 2020 NBA Draft

Thu, 2020-11-19 16:55

Taking place amid the uncertainty of Covid-shortened seasons and a flurry of high-profile trades, the 2020 NBA draft will have huge implications for which GMs get fired in two years. Here are Onion Sports’ winners and losers of last night’s draft.

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Gavin Newsom Slammed For Eating At The French Laundry When Atelier Crenn Clearly Superior Take On Contemporary Cuisine

Thu, 2020-11-19 16:00

SACRAMENTO, CA—Following reports that he patronized the three-Michelin-star restaurant with a group of at least a dozen people, Gov. Gavin Newsom of California was widely criticized Thursday for eating at The French Laundry when Atelier Crenn offers a clearly superior take on contemporary cuisine. “It’s absolutely…

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New California Law Reclassifies Outdoor Dining As Any Restaurant Located Outside

Thu, 2020-11-19 14:30

SACRAMENTO—In an effort to clear up any confusion regarding California’s current Covid-19 restrictions, Governor Gavin Newsom signed a law Thursday reclassifying outdoor dining as any restaurant that is located outside. “As of today, any dining establishment whose four exterior walls are exposed to open air and whose…

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