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Astronomers Scan Mysterious Interstellar Object For Signs Of Extraterrestrial Life

Fri, 2017-12-15 17:24

SETI scientists are looking for signs of alien technology on a mysterious object that they believe came from beyond our solar system—the first of its kind to be observed—which has baffled researchers with its probe-like cylindrical shape and lack of any comet-like tail. What do you think?

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Historians Uncover Evidence Stonehenge Once Prominent Druid Make-Out Spot

Fri, 2017-12-15 17:14

CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND—Contradicting previous theories as to the purpose of the iconic monument, historians at the University of Cambridge suggested on Friday that Stonehenge was once a prominent Druid make-out spot. “While excavating in and around the site, we found a surprising number of Bronze-age belt buckles, pipes,…

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Silicon Valley Startup Seeks To Change The Way Women Flee Tech Industry

Fri, 2017-12-15 16:48

SANTA CLARA, CA—Declaring that addressing the issue was a fundamental part of the new company’s mission, Silicon Valley startup DataKore said Friday that it was determined to change the way women flee the tech industry. “We’re absolutely committed to giving women all the resources and opportunities they need to leave…

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Historians Still Unable To Determine How Americans Were Able To Build Hoover Dam

Fri, 2017-12-15 15:58

CAMBRIDGE, MA— Expressing continued bafflement at the practical knowledge and proficiency required to construct the massive structure, leading historians announced Friday that they remained unsure how Americans managed to build the Hoover Dam. “Decades into researching this tremendous feat of engineering, the question…

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Nation Dutifully Gets In Cars, Stands In Line, Watches New Star Wars Movie

Fri, 2017-12-15 14:08

WASHINGTON—The film’s official release having finally arrived, millions of Americans across the nation dutifully got in their cars Friday, stood in line, and watched the new Star Wars movie, The Last Jedi. “The latest installment in the Star Wars franchise is now in theaters, which is why I went to my local cinema,…

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CNN Investigating Reports Of Wolf Blitzer’s Highly Proper Sexual Conduct

Fri, 2017-12-15 11:45

NEW YORK—After a fourth woman stepped forward alleging that the journalist had engaged her in a respectful and entirely aboveboard romantic encounter, CNN announced Thursday that it would be launching a full investigation into reports of Wolf Blitzer’s highly proper sexual conduct. “I assure you that we are taking…

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Giant Penguin Roamed Earth Millions Of Years Ago

Fri, 2017-12-15 11:37

Scientists in New Zealand have uncovered the fossils of a 5-foot-9-inch-tall, 223-pound penguin, which they speculate lived on Earth shortly after the age of the dinosaurs. What do you think?

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Eric Trump Hooks Donald Jr. Up To Xbox, iPad, Roomba To Practice Passing Polygraph Test

Thu, 2017-12-14 16:53

WASHINGTON—Instructing him to hold still while he connected the various wires, sources confirmed Thursday that Eric Trump hooked his older brother Donald Jr. up to an Xbox, iPad, and Roomba in order to practice passing a polygraph test. “We gotta do this a bunch of times because the machine can use your heartbeats to…

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Omarosa To Leave White House

Thu, 2017-12-14 16:37

White House aide and former “The Apprentice” contestant Omarosa Manigault Newman will leave the White House effective Jan. 20, 2018. What do you think?

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God Gets Celtic Cross Tattooed On Back

Thu, 2017-12-14 15:25

THE HEAVENS—Saying He had been meaning to get some fresh ink for a while now, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly got a Celtic cross tattooed on His back, celestial sources said Thursday. “This design carries a lot of meaning for me, and I’m really glad I could get my upper back tattooed with it,” said the…

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Bob Iger Offers Rupert Murdoch One Night With Mickey Mouse In Exchange For 21st Century Fox

Thu, 2017-12-14 14:49

BURBANK, CA—Revealing that it was the provision that essentially sealed the multi-billion dollar deal, sources reported Thursday that Disney Company CEO Bob Iger offered Rupert Murdoch one night with Mickey Mouse in exchange for 21st Century Fox. “To help sweeten our $52.4 billion proposal, we offered Mr. Murdoch…

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Estée Lauder Expedition Stumbles Upon Frozen Remains Of Previous Party Sent To Retrieve Rare Moisturizing Herb In The Himalayas

Thu, 2017-12-14 13:32

MAKALU, NEPAL—After uncovering four corpses buried in snow along an icy mountain ridge, members of an Estée Lauder expedition said Thursday they had found the remains of a party lost decades ago while searching for a unique moisturizing herb thought to grow deep in the Himalayas.

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Jeff Bezos Named Amazon Employee Of The Month

Thu, 2017-12-14 13:17

SEATTLE—Recognizing his professionalism and the extra effort he brings each and every day, Amazon announced Thursday that CEO Jeff Bezos was its latest Employee of the Month. “There are a lot of hardworking and talented folks who help make Amazon the success that it is, and Jeff is the perfect example of that,” said…

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