The Onion

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Dedication To The Faith: Pope Francis Stayed Up All Night Making A Squarespace Page For Catholicism

Thu, 2018-04-19 13:25

As the world leader of the Catholic Church, Pope Francis has completely dedicated his life to his faith, but what he did last night proves that the pope is willing to go well above and beyond the call of duty in service to his religion: Pope Francis stayed up all night making a Squarespace page for Catholicism.

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Supreme Court Agrees To Hear New Jack White Album

Thu, 2018-04-19 13:23

WASHINGTON—In a landmark decision by the country’s highest judicial body, sources confirmed that the U.S. Supreme Court announced Thursday that it had agreed to hear the new Jack White album. “Having already established a precedent when we heard Lazaretto in 2014, we have decided to bring Boarding House Reach before…

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Those Who Do Not Learn From History Are Doomed To Repeat The Renaissance

Thu, 2018-04-19 13:03

When we ignore the lessons learned by previous generations, we do so at our own peril. It is foolish, if not the height of hubris, to believe history has nothing to teach us. In our current age, one in which it can seem the world around us is being upended every day, we may be tempted to believe that what has gone on…

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God Recalls Life-Changing Encounter With 8-Year-Old Boy Who Had Near-Death Experience

Thu, 2018-04-19 11:19

THE HEAVENS—Saying that the incident had a profound effect on Him and that He hasn’t been the same since, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, recalled Thursday his life-changing encounter with an 8-year-old boy who had a near-death experience. “I was standing there one day in the brightness of Eternal Life when…

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Tips For Traveling Solo

Thu, 2018-04-19 11:13

Taking a trip alone may seem off-putting to some people, but others find it to be a more rewarding experience. The Onion offers tips for solo travel.

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Mom Makes Sure Everyone Has Masturbated Before Long Car Ride

Thu, 2018-04-19 11:13

LANARK, IL—Adamant that there would be no unplanned pit stops until her family had reached its destination, local mom Mary Curran reportedly made sure that each of her teenage sons had masturbated to completion Thursday before a long car ride to their grandparents’ house. “It’s going to be three hours—maybe more with…

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200 Million Eggs Recalled In U.S. After Dozens Become Ill

Thu, 2018-04-19 10:58

The FDA issued a recall of 207 million eggs from Rose Acre Farms after dozens of non-lethal illnesses led to fears that they may have been contaminated with salmonella. What do you think? 

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Nation’s Liberals Not Sure What To Think After Hearing Special Counsel Has Waterboarded Every Suspect In Trump Investigation

Thu, 2018-04-19 10:30

WASHINGTON—Stammering as they struggled to form an opinion about the surprising revelation, the nation’s liberals admitted Thursday they were not sure what to think after hearing U.S. Special Counsel Robert Mueller had waterboarded every suspect in his investigation into the Trump campaign. “I’ve stood firmly in…

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Barbara Bush Dies At 92

Wed, 2018-04-18 18:13

Former First Lady Barbara Bush, mother to George W. Bush and wife to George H.W. Bush, passed away yesterday at the age of 92. What do you think?

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Congress Not Sure What It Did To Make Trump Think It Wouldn’t Roll Over For Whatever He Wants In Syria

Wed, 2018-04-18 14:16

WASHINGTON—Following President Trump’s decision to launch airstrikes in Syria without seeking approval from Congress, GOP lawmakers reportedly asked what they had ever done to make the commander in chief think they wouldn’t immediately knuckle under and let him bomb whomever he wishes. “Honestly, he ought to know by…

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Cottonelle Adds Blue Strip To Toilet Paper But Keeps What It Does A Secret

Wed, 2018-04-18 13:53

IRVING, TX—Refusing to confirm nor deny that the addition had anything to do with personal hygiene, Cottonelle unveiled its new ULTRA Comfort Care toilet paper Wednesday now infused with a mysterious thin blue strip. “Is it scented? Does it help track your intestinal health? Is there some sort of lotion in it? It…

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No Cash Left Behind

Wed, 2018-04-18 12:34
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Impoverished Kenyan Bean Picker Can’t Wait To See What Starbucks Has To Say About Racial Sensitivity

Wed, 2018-04-18 12:02

NYERI, KENYA—Reacting to news that Starbucks will close more than 8,000 locations for a day to conduct anti-discrimination training, impoverished Kenyan bean picker Adamu Mwangi told reporters Wednesday he couldn’t wait to hear the international coffee giant’s perspectives on racial sensitivity. “I think this could…

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Big Step Backward: J.K. Rowling Has Revealed That Dementors Are The Wizarding World’s Version Of Italians

Wed, 2018-04-18 11:25

Buckle up, Harry Potter fans, because J.K. Rowling’s latest bombshell about the series definitely isn’t doing anything for inclusivity: The bestselling author has revealed that Dementors are the wizarding world’s version of Italians.

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TGI Fridays Is A Human Right

Wed, 2018-04-18 10:36

Each of us, regardless of the circumstances of our birth, is entitled to basic human dignity. That means freedom from fear and from want. It means access to food, clothing, shelter, and medicine. But it also means dining with friends and family in an environment where one can, on any day of the week, enjoy “that…

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