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Yosemite Expands Lodging Accommodations With New Log Cabin High-Rises

Fri, 2019-02-15 10:42

YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—In an effort to make one of the country’s most celebrated natural wonders more accessible to the public, Department of the Interior officials announced Friday that Yosemite National Park would expand its lodging options by constructing dozens of new log cabin high-rises. “There’s really no better…

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Nation Celebrates Valentine’s Day

Thu, 2019-02-14 18:03

Today, millions of Americans will celebrate romance with chocolates, flowers, and other offerings of love. How will you celebrate Valentine’s Day?

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Elliott Abrams Defends War Crimes As Happening Back In The ’80s When Everyone Was Doing It

Thu, 2019-02-14 17:24

WASHINGTON—Explaining to the House Foreign Affairs Committee that it was a totally acceptable practice at the time, Elliott Abrams defended Wednesday the war crimes he committed in Latin America by pointing out that it was just something everyone was doing back in the ’80s. “You’ve got to understand that running…

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Annoying YouTube Algorithm Not Letting Man Forget Single Time He Watched 14 Hours Straight Of Hitler Speeches

Thu, 2019-02-14 16:10

HARTFORD, CT—Wishing he could return to browsing golf instructional videos in peace, local resident Brian O’Connell reportedly expressed irritation Thursday that an annoying YouTube algorithm was not letting him forget the single time he watched 14 straight hours of Hitler speeches. “It’s so aggravating, I mean, all I…

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Meals On Wheels Volunteers Deliver Body Chocolate, Edible Underwear To Seniors Shut In On Valentine’s Day

Thu, 2019-02-14 15:59

COEUR D’ALENE, ID—In an effort to reach out to members of the community often forgotten on Valentine’s Day, local Meals on Wheels volunteers reportedly delivered hundreds of packages containing body chocolate, edible underwear, and other erotic treats to elderly shut-ins Thursday. “We’re making sure older folks who…

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El Chapo Given Life Sentence

Thu, 2019-02-14 14:59

Joaquín Guzmán Loera, the Mexican drug kingpin known as El Chapo, received a life sentence for criminal enterprises including decades of drug trafficking, bribery, and murder. What do you think?

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Sighing Banksy Methodically Kills Another Few Kids Who Stumbled Upon Him Doing Graffiti

Thu, 2019-02-14 14:07

BRISTOL, ENGLAND—Dropping his spray paint in annoyance and grabbing a length of extension cord, the anonymous street artist Banksy methodically killed another few kids Thursday after they stumbled upon him painting the side of a building. “Aw, Christ, not again,” said the famed muralist, who casually wrapped the cord…

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Man Worried Experiences Of Cancun Trip Far Too Complex To Be Conveyed Through Single Keychain

Thu, 2019-02-14 13:50

CANCUN, MEXICO—Insisting none of the myriad souvenirs before him could possibly capture the all-inclusive resort’s fantastic buffet, local man Robert Washburn told reporters Wednesday he feared his Cancun vacation was far too complex to be conveyed through a single keychain. “Yes, of course, it’s true that I ‘heart’…

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Maybelline Announces It Will Stop Testing New Products On Unsuspecting Customers In The Middle Of The Night

Thu, 2019-02-14 10:00

NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the “secret program” would be forever suspended, Maybelline global president Leonardo Chavez announced Thursday that the company would stop testing new products on unsuspecting customers in the middle of night. “As of today, Maybelline will no longer test any of our products—including…

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Congress Reaches Tentative Deal For Border Security Deal

Thu, 2019-02-14 09:24

Congressional negotiators have reached a tentative deal to avert a shutdown, providing $1.375 billion for 55 new miles of border fencing in Texas’ Rio Grande Valley area, which some conservative pundits have criticized as far short of Trump’s requested amount. What do you think?

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Spacecraft Travel From All Over Galaxy To Honor End Of Opportunity Rover’s Life

Wed, 2019-02-13 17:41

MARS—Journeying thousands of lightyears to honor their fallen peer, spacecraft traveled from all over the Milky Way to attend a ceremony celebrating the late Opportunity rover’s life, sources close to the deceased reported Wednesday. “We came as soon as we received the gamma-ray transmission informing us of…

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Authorities Swiftly Announce 1,600 Washington Dairy Cows Found Mutilated, Arranged In Pentagram Killed By Blizzard

Wed, 2019-02-13 17:37

SUNNYSIDE, WA—Asserting that the matter was a simple weather-related livestock incident requiring no particular investigation, Washington state authorities announced first thing Wednesday morning that an unusually intense blizzard was responsible for the deaths of 1,600 mutilated dairy cows found arranged in a…

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‘National Geographic’ Increases Ideological Diversity By Hiring First Anti-Tree-Frog Writer

Wed, 2019-02-13 12:45

WASHINGTON—As part of an ongoing effort to promote voices historically neglected by the magazine, National Geographic announced Wednesday that it would expand the ideological diversity of its masthead by hiring its first-ever writer opposed to tree frogs. “We grow stronger as a publication when we are able to provide…

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