The Onion

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Updated: 6 hours 12 min ago

Chivalrous Predator Opens Trunk For Date

Fri, 2022-11-25 07:00

CLEVELAND—Telling the young woman that “her chariot awaits,” local predator Seth Forsyth reportedly opened the trunk for his date Friday in an act of chivalry. “Please, allow me,” Forsyth said with a smile, who offered his incapacitated date his arm to hold onto as he dragged her to the trunk of his car, bowing…

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Thanksgiving 2022: What Are We Thankful For?

Thu, 2022-11-24 08:15

Americans across the nation are sitting down to celebrate Thanksgiving. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans to find out what they’re most thankful for.

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Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving

Thu, 2022-11-24 08:00

Today, Americans across the country are gathering to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for?

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Classic Thanksgiving Dishes Ranked From Best To Worst

Thu, 2022-11-24 07:45

People say the holidays are about spending time with family and friends, but we all know what it’s really about—food. From best to worst, here is a ranking of the iconic Thanksgiving dishes we all grew up eating.

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Onion Sports’ NFL Week 12 Picks

Thu, 2022-11-24 07:30

Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 12 games.

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Frustrated Man Still On Waitlist To Register As Sex Offender

Thu, 2022-11-24 07:00

HILLIARD, FL—Complaining about how slow and cumbersome the entire process had been, frustrated local man Jeff Engers told reporters Thursday he was still on the waitlist to register as a sex offender in his community. “I’ve been trying for weeks to get on that registry, and I’m starting to wonder what exactly a guy’s…

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Supreme Court Allows House Democrats To Obtain Trump’s Tax Returns

Wed, 2022-11-23 15:19

The Supreme Court rejected an emergency appeal from former President Donald Trump seeking to shield his tax returns from House Democrats, capping a three-year legal battle and paving the way for the release of his tax returns. What do you think?

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‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

Wed, 2022-11-23 11:43

CHESAPEAKE, VA—In the hours following a violent rampage in Virginia in which a lone attacker killed at least six individuals and injured at least four others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the…

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What To Know About The 2022 World Cup

Wed, 2022-11-23 11:13

The 2022 FIFA World Cup, which kicked off Sunday and continues through Dec. 18, met with more controversy than usual due to the actions of host nation Qatar. The Onion answers your most pressing questions about the 2022 World Cup.

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Thanksgiving Fact: Did You Know?

Wed, 2022-11-23 09:05
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Bob Dylan’s Teenage Love Letters Sell For Over $650,000 At Auction

Wed, 2022-11-23 08:45

Bob Dylan’s love letters he wrote as a teen to his high school sweetheart sold at auction for $669,875, the lot consisting of 42 hand-written letters that spanned 150 pages. What do you think?

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Biden Meets With Turkeys Who’ve Lost Loved Ones To Thanksgiving

Wed, 2022-11-23 08:00

WASHINGTON—Looking into the birds’ eyes and placing a hand on their shoulders, President Joe Biden met at the White House with a group of turkeys who had lost their loved ones to Thanksgiving, White House sources confirmed Wednesday. “There, there–you’ll be all right,” said Biden, kneeling down to the floor to embrace…

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Mom Urges Family Members Not To Fight Turkey Again This Year

Wed, 2022-11-23 07:45

NEWTON, MA—Begging her Thanksgiving guests to calm down, take a deep breath, and try to take the high road, local mother Martha Cantor urged family members this week to please refrain from fighting the turkey again this year. “Okay, everyone, I know we all have our differences, but just this once, I’d like to get…

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What Americans Dread The Most About The Holidays

Wed, 2022-11-23 07:15

With the season upon us, The Onion asked Americans to share what they dread the most about the holidays.

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How To Tell Your Mom You’re Not Coming Home For The Holidays

Wed, 2022-11-23 07:00

Traveling during this time of the year is always challenging. The Onion provides practical advice for how to tell your mom that you’re not coming home for the holidays.

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