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The Onion Reviews 'Licorice Pizza'

Wed, 2021-11-24 12:09
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Heartwarming Gravy Donation Drive

Wed, 2021-11-24 11:40
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Friendship Buckles Under Strain Of Single Sincere Moment

Wed, 2021-11-24 09:00

NASHUA, NH—Indicating that the unfortunate occurrence had done irreparable damage, sources confirmed Friday that the friendship between local men Ben Cowsill and Jared Leon had buckled under the strain of a single sincere moment. Reports maintained that despite knowing one another for nearly 20 years, Cowsill and Leon…

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Family Saving Time This Thanksgiving By Making Oak Dining Table Day Before

Wed, 2021-11-24 09:00

WALDORF, MD—Vowing not to repeat the same mistakes of years past, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Stanchfield family was saving time this Thanksgiving by making their oak dining table the day before. “Grandma insists it’s better fresh, but making everything ahead this year is going to save a whole lot of stress,”…

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Baker Mayfield Struggling To Tune Out Booing Progressive Fans On Commercial Set

Wed, 2021-11-24 09:00

LOS ANGELES—Blasting them for the constant noise while his team was trying to deliver their lines, Baker Mayfield admitted Wednesday that he was struggling to tune out the booing of Progressive fans on his commercial set. “Look, I’m going out there every day knowing I’m doing my best, and I’m trying not to let their…

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Serta Recalls 200,000 Mercy Killing Pillows

Wed, 2021-11-24 09:00

DORAVILLE, GA—Acknowledging its culpability in a recent series of botched euthanasia attempts, international bedding giant Serta expressed remorse Wednesday and issued a recall for 200,000 of the company’s mercy killing pillows. “We wish to apologize to customers who were unable to put a loved one out of their misery…

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The Onion’s Winter 2021 Movie Preview

Wed, 2021-11-24 09:00

While the coronavirus pandemic rages on, big-budget sequels and Oscar hopefuls are among the films hitting American movie screens through the rest of the year. The Onion highlights the most anticipated films of winter 2021.

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80 People Storm Nordstrom In Flash Mob-Style Robbery

Wed, 2021-11-24 07:00

About 80 people rushed into a Nordstrom store in California, stealing merchandise and fleeing in a robbery that lasted less than two minutes, the latest in a spate of organized “mass thefts” that have recently hit businesses in several cities across the country. What do you think?

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Spotify Removes Default Shuffle Feature At Adele’s Request

Tue, 2021-11-23 16:10

Spotify has removed a play button that automatically shuffled songs regardless of an album’s track list after singer-songwriter Adele requested the change ahead of the release of her fourth studio album. What do you think?

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Janet Yellen Announces Americans Can Use Promo Code ‘THANKS’ For 10% Off All U.S. Goods And Services

Tue, 2021-11-23 13:55

WASHINGTON—In a unique and limited-time offer for residents of the United States only, Janet Yellen announced Tuesday that Americans could use the promo code “THANKS” for 10% off all U.S. goods and services. “This Thanksgiving, the Treasury Department is saying ‘thanks’ with an exclusive promotion just for taxpayers,…

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Self-Deprecating Comments That Are Actually Really Harmful

Tue, 2021-11-23 09:00

Everyone else is already insulting you, the last thing you need is for your own brain to join in. Here are several self-deprecating comments that are actually really harmful.

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Overwhelmed Arizona Hospitals Turning Away Patients Who Need Cactus Spines Plucked From Bare Asses

Tue, 2021-11-23 09:00

PHOENIX, AZ—With a rise in covid cases straining the state’s healthcare resources, overwhelmed Arizona hospitals were reportedly forced Tuesday to turn away patients who needed cactus spines plucked from their bare asses. “Unfortunately, our waiting room has already surpassed the limited number of chairs available for…

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Fish Way Too High On OxyContin Runoff To Give A Shit About Species’ Inevitable Extinction

Tue, 2021-11-23 09:00

SEATTLE—In a highly euphoric state after consuming opioids that had traveled downstream from a wastewater treatment plant, a local fish confirmed Tuesday that he was too high on OxyContin runoff to give a shit about the inevitable extinction of his species. “Man, I am fucking blasted right now!” the 36-inch male…

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NFL Study Finds Concussion Symptoms Completely Disappear If You’ve Had An Even Number Of Concussions

Tue, 2021-11-23 09:00

NEW YORK—Calling the discovery an encouraging breakthrough in treating serious CTE, a new study commissioned by the NFL and released Tuesday found that concussion symptoms completely disappear if you’ve had an even number of them. “It turns out that all the loss of memory and depressive feelings vanish within several…

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Original Copy Of U.S. Constitution Sells At Auction For $43 Million

Tue, 2021-11-23 07:10

A rare surviving copy of the U.S. Constitution has sold at auction for a record $43.2 million, with an unknown buyer beating a crowdfunded bid by a cryptocurrency group. What do you think?

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Kyle Rittenhouse Acquitted Of All Charges In Kenosha Shootings

Mon, 2021-11-22 16:08

A jury has acquitted Kyle Rittenhouse of all charges in the shooting deaths of two men and wounding of a third at a Wisconsin protest against racial injustice last year, in a case that has intensified the debate over vigilantism, policing, and guns. What do you think?

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Ultimate Betrayal: It Has Come To Our Attention That There Is A Non-Gamer Within The Ranks Of Our Readership, And We Will Find You

Mon, 2021-11-22 15:00

Since our founding in 1947, Onion Gamers Network has built a relationship of trust with our readership. The passing years have brought countless changes, but none altered the one simple tenet at the core of our reportage: Our journalists stopped at nothing to publish the latest industry news and sneak-peeks, and, in…

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Tucker Carlson Late To Work After Being Murdered By Hordes Of Violent Minorities Again

Mon, 2021-11-22 14:45

WASHINGTON—Huffing and puffing as he sprinted in over 30 minutes late to his 8 a.m. morning meeting, Tucker Carlson told coworkers he was late to work Monday because he got held up being murdered by hordes of violent minorities again. “Hello everyone, I know I’m late, I would have been here on time if I hadn’t just…

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