The Onion

Syndicate content
America’s Finest News Source
Updated: 1 hour 41 min ago

Smiley Face Doodled On Check Commemorates Undeniable Chemistry Between Waiter, Ericson Family

Tue, 2018-10-16 13:51

ROCKFORD, IL—Saying that the jovial drawing will forever signify their bond of goodwill, local father Gary Ericson confirmed Tuesday that a smiley face doodled on their Buffalo Wild Wings meal check commemorates the undeniable chemistry between their waiter and the Ericson family. “Ever since Jason introduced himself…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

State Election Commission Chases Wild Animals Out Of Voting Booths In Preparation For Upcoming Midterms

Tue, 2018-10-16 13:45

NASHVILLE, TN—Hastily shooing away the varmints with corn whisk brooms, members of the Tennessee State Election Commission reportedly drove a pack of wild animals out of local voting booths Tuesday in preparation for the upcoming midterm election. “Y’all critters ain’t welcome in this here polling place—go on, get!”…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Saudis Admit Journalist Khashoggi Died During Botched Assassination Attempt

Tue, 2018-10-16 13:10

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—In a press conference ahead of a meeting with U.S. secretary of state Mike Pompeo, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman admitted Tuesday that journalist Jamal Khashoggi died during a botched assassination attempt. “We lured Mr. Khashoggi to our consulate in Turkey for what was supposed to be a…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

The 4 Disgusting People Who Led Me To Abandon The Priesthood After My Hand Touched Their Tongue While Feeding Them A Communion Wafer

Tue, 2018-10-16 11:42

After many years of faithfully serving the Lord in the priesthood, I’ve decided to relinquish my vows and leave the church. Touching the horrid mouths of these four grotesque parishioners while feeding them Communion wafers has simply left me too emotionally and spiritually traumatized to continue in my ministry. I’m

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Saudi Arabia Sends Assassins To Dismember Entire International Community In Effort To Stifle Dissent

Mon, 2018-10-15 15:25

NEW YORK CITY—Taking drastic measures to silence their critics, Saudi Arabia reportedly sent assassins to dismember the entire international community Monday as part of an effort to stifle dissent. “At the order of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman, teams of assassination squads were dispatched to all corners of…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Jared Kushner Likely Avoided Income Tax For Years

Mon, 2018-10-15 15:22

A New York Times report suggests Jared Kushner likely paid little to nothing for millions of dollars in income between 2009 and 2016 by using legal loopholes. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Meghan Markle Nervously Looking Over Clinic Pamphlets Weighing Her Options

Mon, 2018-10-15 15:08

LONDON—Visibly upset as she huddled into her chair and glanced around the Family Planning Association waiting room, a nervous Meghan Markle looked over several informational pamphlets Monday while weighing her options regarding her pregnancy. “I suppose I thought Harry and I would have some more time together as just…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Loser Woman Hasn’t Even Inspired One Bar Fight

Mon, 2018-10-15 14:06

DENVER, CO—Noting that the pathetic 30-year-old may as well have been invisible to the men around her, sources confirmed Monday that loser woman Kathleen Owens has never inspired even a single bar fight. “Strangely, the sight of Kathleen failed to motivate even a single guy to pick up a pool cue and smash it over the…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Cows Trample Dozens Of Lobsters To Death In Escalating Surf ’N’ Turf War

Mon, 2018-10-15 12:54

CAPE ELIZABETH, ME—In what is being described as the most ruthless act of bovine–crustacean violence in years, local authorities confirmed Monday that a charging herd of cattle had trampled 49 lobsters to death on the southern coast of Maine, marking a bloody escalation in their surf ’n’ turf war.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Timeline Of Human Activity In Antarctica

Mon, 2018-10-15 12:38

Antarctica, Earth’s southernmost continent, faces numerous threats from climate change, but many people don’t know very much about the isolated area. The Onion looks back at a history of exploration, scientific study, and human activity in Antarctica.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Grandma Amazed By How Fuckable Grandson Has Gotten Since She Saw Him Last

Mon, 2018-10-15 12:34

DUNCANVILLE, TX—Beckoning the boy to come closer so “Nana can feel those washboard abs,” local grandmother Shirley Paulson was reportedly amazed Monday by how fuckable her grandson has gotten since she last saw him. “My, Jackson, you are really growing into quite the grade-A slice of man meat! Ooh, I just want to…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Washington Supreme Court Strikes Down State’s Death Penalty

Mon, 2018-10-15 12:24

Washington’s Supreme Court ruled that the death penalty is unconstitutional due to its unequal application depending on race and extenuating circumstances, making it the 20th state to do away with capital punishment. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Horrified Nurses Discover 40-Pound Baby After Accidentally Leaving It In Incubator Over Weekend

Mon, 2018-10-15 11:47

DENVER—Realizing with horror that they had forgotten to do a final sweep of the neonatal intensive care unit, nurses at Saint Joseph Hospital were reportedly mortified to discover a 40-pound baby Monday after accidentally leaving it in an incubator over the weekend. “Oh, God, it totally slipped my mind that we were…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

All Hallow's Grieve

Mon, 2018-10-15 10:57
Categories: The Onion

Stephen Hawking’s Final Paper Revealed

Sat, 2018-10-13 10:43

Famed physicist Stephen Hawking’s final paper, titled “Black Hole Entropy And Soft Hair,” has been published, dealing with the question of what happens when objects fall into black holes. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Bill And Hillary Clinton Announce Joint Tour

Fri, 2018-10-12 16:37

Bill and Hillary Clinton announced a joint tour this week to tour North America, allowing audiences to hear conversations with a couple that has “helped shape our world.” What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Sully Sullenberger Realizes It Too Late Now To Let Everyone Know Plane Did All That Stuff On Autopilot

Fri, 2018-10-12 16:09

SAN FRANCISCO—Admitting it would be rather awkward to come clean at this juncture now, retired American Airlines pilot Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger realized Friday that it was almost certainly too late to let everybody know that the Airbus A320 of flight 1549, which landed in the Hudson on Jan. 15, 2009 with no loss…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Mom Hates Bad Guy In Movie

Fri, 2018-10-12 15:07

PHILADELPHIA—Throughout the runtime of the two-hour movie, local mother of three Barbara Rosenstock, 62, took several opportunities Friday to declare her hatred for the bad guy. “Oh, he’s just being so mean to his girlfriend! That’s terrible. It’s just awful how he treats her!” said Rosenstock, gasping and shaking her…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion