The Onion

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Updated: 13 hours 40 min ago

Check Out This Egg

Thu, 2020-04-02 11:40

Check it out

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BREAKING: This Is A Test Of The Onion’s Emergency Headline System

Thu, 2020-04-02 10:23

CHICAGO—WARNING WARNING ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT, sources confirmed Thursday that this is a test of The Onion’s Emergency Headline System. Please excuse this interruption from your previously scheduled headlines while The Onion reviews its emergency content protocol. Doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom…

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Zoom App Sued For Sharing User Data

Wed, 2020-04-01 17:48

The videoconferencing service Zoom is at the center of a class-action lawsuit filed this week alleging the company handed over personal information to Facebook without notifying users, while tech news sites also report the app may not be as secure as it claims. What do you think?

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‘The Onion’ Glossary To Coronavirus Pandemic Terms

Wed, 2020-04-01 17:31

As the coronavirus continues to spread, The Onion, like other leading media outlets, is utilizing many terms that our uneducated readers have likely never heard before. In order to make our coronavirus content more understandable to the rabble, The Onion presents a glossary to common coronavirus pandemic terms.

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Careless Imprisoned Migrants Showing Zero Respect For Social-Distancing Rules

Wed, 2020-04-01 16:10

EL PASO, TX—Revealing a total disregard for the recommendations of the Centers for Disease Control, a photograph leaked Wednesday shows imprisoned migrants in a U.S. detention facility completely ignoring the social-distancing guidelines experts agree are necessary to contain Covid-19. “It’s like they’re not even…

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CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY THREE: Scientists No Closer To Understanding How Pressing Buzzer Unlocks Apartment Door

Wed, 2020-04-01 16:00

Even while being quarantined in his home for the past 72 hours, Topical host Leslie Price still finds a way to deliver groundbreaking investigative journalism. In this in-depth OPR report, Price searches for answers to the questions other podcasts are too afraid to ask, like does the buzzing unlock the door? Or is it…

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Pandemic Lockdowns Improve Air Quality Worldwide

Wed, 2020-04-01 14:21

As global industry slows and people isolate to prevent the spread of coronavirus, scientists say air pollution and carbon emissions have dropped significantly, with levels of gases like nitrogen dioxide falling nearly 30% in some areas. What do you think?

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Study Finds Most Restaurants Fail Within First Year Of It Becoming Illegal To Go To Them

Wed, 2020-04-01 14:02

COLUMBUS, OH—Calling bankruptcy an “unfortunate reality” for many current small business owners, a new study published Wednesday by Ohio State University found that most restaurants fail within the first year of it becoming illegal to go to them. “It may sound harsh, but our research found that over 90% of restaurants…

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Anthropologists Who Discovered Existence Of Goblins Just Going To Let Coronavirus Thing Die Down Before Making Announcement

Wed, 2020-04-01 13:40

MONTIGNAC, FRANCE—Stressing that they had been as astonished as anyone to learn the hideous creatures actually lived and congregated in the real world, a team of anthropologists from Oxford University who discovered the existence of goblins reportedly decided this week to just let the coronavirus thing die down before…

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Video Games Are Officially Art! Andres Serrano Just Submerged A Copy Of ‘Super Mario Odyssey’ In A Jar Of Piss

Wed, 2020-04-01 12:35

Well, well, well. Looks like all the mainstream haters out there are about to see the error of their ways. That’s right, gamers, everyone who ever doubted that video games can be art is about to eat a slice of humble pie, because American artist Andres Serrano just submerged a copy of Super Mario Odyssey in a jar of…

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Avid Sports Bettor Forced To Gamble On Stock Market Like Real Degenerate

Wed, 2020-04-01 12:26

ALLENTOWN, PA—Worried that what was once a manageable vice had fallen into uncontrolled depravity, avid sports bettor Evan Laramie revealed Wednesday that he had been forced to gamble on the stock market like a real degenerate. “It’s one thing to lose three grand on an NBA parlay, but I never thought I’d have to wager…

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Rikers Inmates Punished After Guards Catch Them Trying To Make Bootleg Coronavirus Vaccine

Wed, 2020-04-01 10:26

NEW YORK—On the heels of a report that New York’s jails have an infection rate eight times higher than that of the city at large, sources confirmed Wednesday that officers on Rikers Island have punished numerous inmates for attempting to produce bootleg coronavirus vaccines. “We recently sent multiple convicts to…

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It Instantly Clear Girlfriend Used To Fuck Guy Being Mentioned In Anecdote

Wed, 2020-04-01 10:23

HAVERFORD, PA—Noticing a marked mid-anecdote shift in tone as well as several meaningfully deliberate pauses, local boyfriend Anton Bridgewater instantly concluded Wednesday that his girlfriend, Leya Ferguson, used to fuck the guy she mentioned while recounting a weekend trip to The Berkshires. “She keeps bringing up…

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Van Gogh Painting Stolen On Painter’s 167th Birthday

Tue, 2020-03-31 18:44

An early Van Gogh piece, titled The Parsonage Garden At Nuenen In Spring, was the only painting stolen from a Dutch museum during an overnight burglary on March 30th, which coincidentally would have been the artist’s 167th birthday. What do you think?

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12 Xtreme Slides Just For Teens

Tue, 2020-03-31 17:28

Welcome to the No-Rules Zone! Sorry, Mom and Dad, you better head to bed. Things are going to start getting pretty extreme around here.

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CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY TWO: Porn Industry Leaders Announce Immediate Closures Of All Orifices

Tue, 2020-03-31 16:59

Hear how those in and around the rim of the adult film industry will be affected.

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