The Onion

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Updated: 10 hours 46 min ago

FBI Warns Teenage Cyberbullying Driving Hundreds Of Undercover Agents To Suicide

Thu, 2020-07-09 09:22

OPR sits down with several former undercover agents who were mocked for their looks, their bad clothes, and the fact that they were all virgins.

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Pandemic Accelerating Decline Of Paper Currency

Thu, 2020-07-09 09:06

Analysts say the pandemic has increased the rate at which Americans are abandoning cash in favor of digital payments as businesses and consumers move to online shopping in order to reduce physical contact. What do you think?

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Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro Tests Positive For Covid-19

Wed, 2020-07-08 17:22

Following months of refusing to wear a mask or socially distance, Brazil’s president announced Tuesday that he has Covid-19, telling reporters that he assumed he had already contracted the virus earlier because of his close contact with the public. What do you think?

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Man Can’t Shake Feeling That Someone Other Than Government, Employer, Advertisers Watching Him

Wed, 2020-07-08 16:10

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Desperately attempting to free himself from a lingering sense of paranoia, local man Adreese Fowler admitted Wednesday that he just couldn’t seem to shake the creeping sensation that someone other than the government, his employer, and advertisers was watching him. “I keep getting this eerie feeling…

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How To Extend The Lifespan Of Your Tech Devices

Wed, 2020-07-08 15:25

As economic uncertainty drives people to be cost-conscious, keeping your technology functioning longer can save money and reduce stress. The Onion offers tips for extending the lifespan of your tech devices. 

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Corrupt Policeman Worried About Working With Partner Who Has Never Once Taken Bribe

Wed, 2020-07-08 14:22

BOSTON—Saying he “doesn’t know what this fucking guy’s problem is,” corrupt police officer Glen Morris confirmed Wednesday that he was deeply concerned to be working with a partner who has never once taken a bribe. “Maybe he’s got an issue with how I run my beat, but this is how it works around here and I’m not about…

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Man Somehow Able To Muster Strength To Fold Laundry Without Listening To Podcast

Wed, 2020-07-08 11:26

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Drawing from deep wells of courage he had previously assumed depleted, local man Alex Delande somehow mustered the strength Wednesday to fold laundry without listening to a podcast. Eyewitnesses marveled as the audacious 31-year-old persevered through seven towels and nine pairs of pants without…

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‘I Want You To Love Again One Day,’ Whispers Dying Man Clearly Overestimating Amount Of Grief Wife Will Experience

Wed, 2020-07-08 11:16

NORFOLK, VA—Mustering the last of his strength to turn and face his wife, local dying man Stanley Tarrington, 58, reportedly used his final labored breaths Wednesday to tell Mary Anne Tarrington, 54, that she should one day love another, a clear overestimation, sources confirmed, of the grief she will feel upon his…

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City Terrorized But Unimpressed By Serial Killer Who Just Shoots Victims

Wed, 2020-07-08 09:10

Authorities in Carson City are calling it one of the most underwhelming serial killers the city has ever seen, and are hoping to put an end to this chilling, yet uncreative rampage before the murderer strikes again.

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Patrick Mahomes Signs 10-Year, $400 Million Extension With Chiefs

Wed, 2020-07-08 09:08

Quarterback Patrick Mahomes has agreed to a $400 million contract extension to continue playing for the Kansas City Chiefs through 2031, making Mahomes the highest-paid NFL player of all time. What do you think?

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Freshman Who Would Have Fallen Through Dorm Window First Weekend Sad To Miss Out On College Experience

Tue, 2020-07-07 14:48

SPRINGFIELD, OH—Lamenting the school’s decision to move classes online to combat the spread of Covid-19, incoming Ohio State freshman Kurt Ryan, who would have fallen through a dorm window on the first weekend on campus, admitted Tuesday he was sad to miss out on the “full college experience.” “Honestly, I was really…

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Tell-All Book By Donald Trump’s Niece To Be Released Early

Tue, 2020-07-07 14:30

After a judge lifted the restraining order prohibiting distribution of the book, Simon & Schuster announced they will bump up the release date of Mary Trump’s memoir about her uncle and the Trump family, citing extraordinary interest and high demand. What do you think?

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Effects Of The Nationwide Protests Against Police Brutality

Tue, 2020-07-07 14:27

Since a police officer killed Black man George Floyd on May 25, mass protests have continued across the country and inspired a variety of changes within cities, movements, culture, and broader society. The Onion looks at some of the most significant effects of the nationwide protests against police brutality.

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Fox Criticized For Cropping Epstein Party Photo To Remove Killer Buffet Spread

Tue, 2020-07-07 13:21

NEW YORK—Following the broadcast of a doctored photograph featuring the financier and convicted sex offender, Fox News received widespread criticism Tuesday for cropping a picture of Jeffrey Epstein at a party to edit out the killer buffet spread. “This is typical of the lax journalistic standards of Fox News to…

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Dumbass Dog Wearing Face Mask All Wrong

Tue, 2020-07-07 12:09

OLATHE, KS—Expressing frustration over the way the canine was recklessly endangering the health of everyone around him, customers at a local PetSmart told reporters Tuesday that there was a dumbass dog walking around wearing his face mask all wrong. “Seriously, that fucking idiot dog is putting lives at risk by…

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