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Bar Table Scientists Awarded 4-Beer Grant To Complete Analysis On Why He’s Not Good Enough For You

Thu, 2017-11-16 13:13

SCOTTSBLUFF, NE—Saying they could now fully explore their hypothesis that you deserve way better, scientists at the corner table of Marty’s Pub received a four-beer grant Thursday to complete their analysis on why he’s not good enough for you. According to the researchers, the much-needed infusion of alcohol will…

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Kid With Massive Head Probably Psychic

Thu, 2017-11-16 12:25

ST. CLOUD, MN—Saying there was no chance a cranium like that held an ordinary brain, sources told reporters Thursday that local boy Joshua Baker’s massive head indicated he had psychic powers. “There’s no way a kid with that humongous skull can’t do all kinds of crazy shit with his mind,” said neighbor Marcy Engel,…

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NFL Announces Plans To Stream ‘Thursday Night Football’ Exclusively On Delta Flights

Thu, 2017-11-16 12:14

NEW YORK—In an effort to continue delivering games to viewers in new and innovative ways, the NFL announced plans Wednesday to begin streaming “Thursday Night Football” exclusively on Delta flights. “We are thrilled that NFL fans will now be able to enjoy the excitement of ‘Thursday Night Football’ exclusively through…

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Bill Gates Invests $80 Million In Arizona ‘Smart City’

Thu, 2017-11-16 09:45

Bill Gates has invested $80 million in a proposed “smart city” near Phoenix, AZ, which will be designed from the ground up to incorporate technologies like autonomous vehicles. What do you think?

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Hollywood Removes Statue Of Louis B. Mayer Beckoning Judy Garland To Sit On His Lap

Thu, 2017-11-16 09:35

LOS ANGELES—In response to recent sexual misconduct allegations against prominent figures in the industry, Hollywood officials reportedly ordered Thursday the removal of a controversial statue depicting Louis B. Mayer beckoning the actress Judy Garland to sit on his lap. “Hollywood is proud of its history, but…

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Florida School Selling Bulletproof Panels For Backpacks

Wed, 2017-11-15 17:08

As a means of protection against school shootings, a Miami elementary school is selling bulletproof panels for students’ backpacks for $120. What do you think?

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Man At Job Interview Praying He Isn’t Asked About 2-Year Gap In Résumé When He Was Abducted By Aliens

Wed, 2017-11-15 15:16

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Concerned that the span of unemployment on his résumé could be a liability during an upcoming job interview, local man Erik Hunt said Wednesday that he desperately hopes he isn’t asked about the two years he was out of the workforce because he was abducted by aliens.

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Nutritionists Recommend 3-4 Daily Servings Of Anything That's About To Go Bad

Wed, 2017-11-15 14:53

ROCHESTER, MN—In an effort to help Americans get the most out of every meal, nutritionists at the Mayo Clinic on Wednesday recommended three to four daily servings of anything that’s about to go bad. “Having found many American diets severely lacking in food on the borderline of being expired, we’re now suggesting…

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New Babysitter Can Already Tell This Kind Of Kid Who Gets Naked For No Reason

Wed, 2017-11-15 14:26

WAYNE, PA—Knowing what she was in for within minutes of meeting the 5-year-old, local babysitter Hannah Leeds told reporters Wednesday that she could already tell that Jackson Keller was the kind of kid who suddenly gets naked for no reason. “Yeah, I know the type—the second you look away, he’ll have his pants down to…

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Arguments For And Against School Uniforms

Wed, 2017-11-15 13:56

While some argue that school uniforms eliminate distractions and help students focus on learning, others believe that a strict dress code stifles students’ self-expression. The Onion breaks down the arguments for and against school uniforms.

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Deaf Jam

Wed, 2017-11-15 12:36
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Archaeologists Unearth Earliest Known Shithole Located Super Far From Everywhere

Wed, 2017-11-15 12:27

DAMASCUS—Saying they couldn’t imagine how any ancient people could put up with a place like this, a team of archaeologists announced Tuesday that they had unearthed the earliest known shithole located super far from everywhere. “From the pathetic ruins that we’ve uncovered thus far, this dump dates back to…

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Disney Announces New ‘Star Wars’ Trilogy, Live-Action Series

Wed, 2017-11-15 10:24

Disney has announced plans for a new trilogy of Star Wars films to come out next decade, as well as a live-action series in the near future. What do you think?

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5 Things To Know About Roy Moore

Tue, 2017-11-14 18:31
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Unpaid Garment Workers Hide Pleas For Help In Zara Clothing

Tue, 2017-11-14 17:25

Zara workers in Turkey tagged clothes they were making with messages claiming they had not been paid in months, in the latest controversy for a brand notorious for its labor practices. What do you think?

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Staffers Frantically Trying To Restore Chaos To White House Before Trump Returns From Asia Trip

Tue, 2017-11-14 16:38

WASHINGTON—Knowing that the commander-in-chief will be able to tell if there’s even a single thing in place, sources confirmed Tuesday that aides were frantically trying to restore chaos to the White House before President Trump returned from his 12-day diplomatic trip through Asia. “We have to make sure that…

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Adrenaline Supply Intended For Lifting Car Off Loved One Called Upon To Carry 4 Grocery Bags At Once

Tue, 2017-11-14 16:00

MARIETTA, GA—Infusing his muscles with sudden and desperately needed power, the adrenaline supply of local man Simon McManus intended for lifting a car off a loved one was called upon Tuesday to carry four grocery bags at once. According to sources, McManus’s adrenal gland flooded his system with the stress-triggered…

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