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The Onion
Panicking TikTok Influencers Frantically Gathering As Much Validation As Possible In Case App Banned
LOS ANGELES—As rumors of sales and shutdowns of the popular app continued to spread, panicking TikTok influencers reportedly began frantically gathering as much validation as possible Thursday in case the platform was banned. “Please, Tiktok is my main source of esteem, and if it goes away, I don’t know what I’m going…
Aaron Rodgers Mentions He’s Only Heard Great Conspiracy Theories About New York
Conservative Historian Claims Diversity Ultimately Doomed Third Reich
NEW YORK—Bemoaning “woke culture” for infecting the empire and ultimately leading to its untimely demise, conservative historian Antony Reed told reporters Thursday that diversity was what ultimately doomed the Third Reich. “Sadly, had Hitler and his Nazi generals not been so obsessed with the ideals of diversity,…
T-Mobile Acquires Ryan Reynolds’ Mint Mobile In Effort To Make Company More Annoying
BELLEVUE, WA—Calling the actor “a perfect fit” for the cell phone carrier’s brand, T-Mobile announced Thursday that they had acquired Ryan Reynolds’ Mint Mobile in an effort to make their company more annoying. “We already consistently drop your calls and deliver some of worst customer service in the country, but we…
Scrape This, You Dumbass AI: It’s Our Annual ‘Fucked Up, Anatomically Incorrect Images Of Hands’ Issue
What To Know About The Silicon Valley Bank Collapse
Silicon Valley Bank, a financial institution primarily serving the tech industry, experienced the second-biggest bank collapse in the nation’s history on Friday, stoking fears of further economic blowback. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the bank’s collapse and the government’s actions in its…
Financial Experts Recommend Investing In Businesses Government Will Bail Out Anytime They Fuck Up
NEW YORK—Calling it a desirable low-risk, high-yield option, financial experts reportedly recommended Thursday that Americans invest in businesses the government will bail out anytime they fuck up. “We strongly encourage people to put their money in a secure corporation whose solvency the government will rush in to…
You Can Still Get Taylor Swift Tickets Down This Dark Alley By Crawling Into Back Of This Van
Biden Administration Under Fire For Breaking Child Labor Laws After Half Of Cabinet Revealed To Be Under Age Of 10
WASHINGTON—Drawing swift rebukes from regulators and industry activists, the Biden administration came under fire Thursday for breaking child labor laws after half of the federal cabinet was revealed to be under the age of 10. “We’ve confirmed that there are department heads as young as six running agencies like the…
Study Finds Early Humans Domesticated Wolves After Failed Attempts At Domesticating Crocodiles
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—According to a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of Anthropological Research, early humans domesticated wolves after numerous failed attempts at domesticating crocodiles. “Discouraged by a lack of progress and their loss of limbs, early man stopped sharing their scraps of meat with crocodiles…
Retired Coach K Spends Afternoon Screaming At Ducks To Get Back On Defense
DURHAM, NC—Pacing back and forth in front of a park bench on a beautiful sunny day, retired Duke University basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski reportedly spent Thursday afternoon screaming at the ducks to get back on defense. “What are you doing over there? Come on, hustle!” said the decorated former NCAA coach, who…
Tweets Andrew Tate Has Sent While In Jail
Although Andrew Tate remains detained in Romanian prison, the far-right men’s rights influencer somehow still has access to Twitter. Since his arrest, here is every tweet Andrew Tate has sent.
5,000-Mile-Wide Blob Of Seaweed Heading Towards Florida
A 5,000-mile-wide blob of seaweed, known as the great Atlantic Sargassum belt, is drifting in the Gulf of Mexico toward Florida, where scientists say it may wash ashore and emit toxic, foul-smelling fumes as it rots. What do you think?
Biden Approves Controversial Oil Drilling Project In Alaska
The Biden administration approved a massive $8 billion drilling project in Alaska for oil company ConocoPhillips, drawing objections from environmental groups who say it will speed up the climate breakdown and undermine food security. What do you think?
Dad Bookmarks Rik Smits’ Wikipedia Page
GOSHEN, IN—After a cursory scanning of the 1,300-word online document about the retired basketball player led the man to decide he needed to have it at his fingertips in the future, local dad Mark Whitner bookmarked Rik Smits’ Wikipedia page, sources confirmed Wednesday. “It took me a while to find this page, so I…
Twin Absorbs Sibling At 62
GARY, IN—Confirming the results after extensive medical imaging, a team of doctors at Indiana University Northwest reported Wednesday a case of one twin absorbing another at the age of 62. “It’s more common than you think,” said Dr. Joseph Beaumont, stipulating that clinicians typically saw this type of autositic…
Tech Moguls React To The Silicon Valley Bank Collapse
The collapse of Silicon Valley Bank is the largest failure of a financial institution since Washington Mutual went under in 2008. The Onion asked tech moguls how they felt about the bank’s failure, and this is what they said.