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2017 Second-Hottest Year On Record

Mon, 2018-01-22 11:30

A new NASA analysis revealed that—even without warming caused by El Niño—2017 was the second-hottest year since modern record keeping began, and that 17 of the 18 warmest years have happened since 2001. What do you think?

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Researchers Say That First Warning Sign Of Alcoholism Generally Driving Over Curb, Plowing Through Fire Hydrant, And Crashing Into Aquarium

Mon, 2018-01-22 11:27

ATHENS, OH—According to a three-year study published Friday by researchers at the University of Ohio, the first warning sign of alcoholism is usually driving over a curb, plowing through a fire hydrant, and crashing into an oversized aquarium. “That data strongly suggest that the earliest indication you may have a…

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Fired-Up Patriots Ready To Give Full 60, Maybe 70% Against Jacksonville

Sun, 2018-01-21 12:04

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Assuring that the team knew exactly what it would take to win, fired-up Patriots players told reporters Sunday they were ready to give a full 60, maybe 70 percent against Jacksonville. “We are pumped for this showdown, and the Jags are going to see two-thirds, maybe three-fourths of our best—if the game…

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Apple Plans To Create 20,000 New Jobs, Build New Campus

Fri, 2018-01-19 17:33

Partially owing to a recent massive tax break, tech giant Apple will return billions of dollars from tax havens to the United States and create an estimated 20,000 new jobs while investing $30 billion in the U.S. economy. What do you think?

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Study Reveals Lobsters Feel Pain And Get Off On It Like The Kinky Little Perverts They Are

Fri, 2018-01-19 14:44

DURHAM, NH—A new study released Friday by researchers at the University of New Hampshire’s Aquatic Institute revealed that lobsters are capable of feeling pain, and, what’s more, get off it on like the sick little fucking perverts they are. “Our experiments confirmed that lobsters are most likely able to experience…

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Report: Friend Doing Sober January Must Have Really Fucked Shit Up Over Holidays

Fri, 2018-01-19 12:10

MONTCLAIR, NJ—Noting the incident had to be seriously messed up to make the regular drinker stop all of a sudden, friends of local man Tom Barrack reported Friday that he must have really fucked shit up over the holidays if he’s doing a sober January. “Tom puts booze away like nobody else, so something really fucking…

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Michigan Restaurant Selling $180 Tacos

Fri, 2018-01-19 11:14

M Cantina, a restaurant in Dearborn, Michigan, is reportedly selling upscale tacos featuring foie gras, grasshoppers, and shaved black truffle and for $60, with a required 3 taco order that brings a single meal to a minimum of $180. What do you think?

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‘At Least Days Getting Longer,’ Squeaks Tiny Inner Voice Drowned Out By Rest Of Worries

Fri, 2018-01-19 11:08

BOSTON—Stressing the importance of looking on the bright side despite how things might seem right now, a tiny, pathetic voice reportedly squeaked, “At least the days are getting longer,” Friday before being drowned out by the litany of worries and fears continually roaring within your mind. “Hey, there’s still some…

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Man Wishes Women In Crowded Bar Would Let Him Read Jane Austen Novel In Peace

Thu, 2018-01-18 15:04

MODESTO, CA—Frustrated with the nonstop unwanted intrusions, local man Russell Goldin wished Thursday that the women in crowded O’Donnell’s Pub would let him read his Jane Austen novel in peace. “Jesus, will all these women just go away and let me enjoy Pride And Prejudice without being constantly interrupted,” said…

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North And South Korean Teams To March Together In Winter Olympics

Thu, 2018-01-18 14:54

In a milestone toward thawing relations between the nations, North and South Korea will march under one flag and field a unified ice hockey team in the 2018 Pyeongchang Winter Olympics. What do you think?

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Ophthalmologist Instructs Patient Not To Look At Anything 24 Hours Before Eye Surgery

Thu, 2018-01-18 14:34

BOSTON—Stressing the importance of taking the necessary precautions ahead of the procedure, ophthalmologist Brett Patel reportedly instructed his patient Alice Wahlberg Thursday not to look at anything 24 hours before her upcoming eye surgery. “In order to ensure optimal operating conditions, it’s very important to…

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Aspiring Actor Dreams Of One Day Publicly Voicing Regret For Working With Woody Allen

Thu, 2018-01-18 14:16

LOS ANGELES—Explaining that it would be a landmark moment in her career, local aspiring actor Janine Caballero told reporters Thursday that she dreams of one day publicly voicing regret for working with Woody Allen. “Ever since I started acting, my wish has always been to land a role in a film directed by Woody Allen…

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A Mine Is A Terrible Thing To Waste

Thu, 2018-01-18 13:03
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