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This Hotel A Goddamn Maze, Reports Father

Fri, 2018-12-07 13:44

JANESVILLE, WI—Claiming that one would need a degree from Harvard just to find the front desk, Illinois father of three Tom Rutledge confirmed Friday that the Holiday Inn Express in Janesville, WI was a goddamn maze. “I don’t get why they designed it like this,” said 52-year-old Rutledge of the four-story, mid-priced…

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Man Worried The 6th ‘Transformers’ Movie Will Just Be Stupid

Fri, 2018-12-07 13:32

EUGENE, OR—Concerned that the newest chapter of the franchise would underwhelm viewers with a senseless, inane plot and shallow two-dimensional characters, moviegoer Marc Davis expressed worries Friday that sixth Transformers movie The Last Knight might just be stupid. “I’m a little anxious that this sixth movie is…

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I May Not Be The Prettiest Girl In The Room, But What I Do Have Is A Gun

Fri, 2018-12-07 13:25

I get it. I’m not much of a looker. I know I’m not ugly or anything, but I have enough humility to recognize there are women out there who, by any conventional standard, are far more attractive than I am. There’s a lot more to a person than looks, though, and as it happens, I have a lot more to offer. In fact, I have…

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L.A. Adds Lanes For Cyclists To Recover From Getting Hit By Cars

Fri, 2018-12-07 13:15

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to improve riding conditions for the city’s long-neglected bikers, Los Angeles officials announced Friday a $10 million plan to add lanes for cyclists to recover from getting hit by cars. “L.A. has fallen short of bike-friendly places like Portland and Philadelphia for years, which is why the…

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Top Agenda Items In Upcoming Democratic-Majority House

Fri, 2018-12-07 11:40

The Democratic Party will retake control of the House of Representatives after gaining a net total of 40 seats in the 2018 midterm elections. The Onion examines the items headlining the Democrats’ agenda as they lead the 116th U.S. Congress.

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The Swimsuit Issue

Fri, 2018-12-07 11:38
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Tumblr To Ban All Adult Content

Fri, 2018-12-07 11:33

Tumblr, the social blogging platform, will ban all X-rated content and most nudity in an effort to create a “better, more positive” environment. What do you think?

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David Attenborough Says Collapse Of Civilization On Horizon

Thu, 2018-12-06 18:23

Speaking at the UN climate conference in Poland, Sir David Attenborough told world leaders that humanity will collapse without immediate action on climate change. What do you think?

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Defeated Republicans In Wisconsin, Michigan Move To Neutralize Democrats

Thu, 2018-12-06 16:26

After losing several key races in the states, defeated Republican lawmakers in Wisconsin and Michigan are taking legislative action to weaken the positions of governor and attorney general before Democrats assume office. What do you think?

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Revlon Releases New Functionless Translucent Gel For Women Who Don’t Need Makeup

Thu, 2018-12-06 14:55

NEW YORK CITY—Touting the colorless, nearly undetectable gel as the ideal beauty product for those who are perfectly comfortable with their coloration and facial features, Revlon released a new functionless translucent gel Thursday specifically formulated for women who do not wear makeup. “Revlon’s new PhantoGel is…

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Dog Who Successfully Detected Cancer In Owner Put Down For Practicing Medicine Without A License

Thu, 2018-12-06 14:50

PHOENIX—In what authorities hope serves as a warning to any domesticated animal who places medical patients at risk, Kuma, 3, a German shepherd who successfully detected cancer in his owner, was put down Thursday for practicing medicine without a license. “Although in this particular case the animal’s actions did save…

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‘No, Take Jeb Instead,’ Screams George W. Bush While Shoving Brother Into Father’s Grave

Thu, 2018-12-06 14:47

COLLEGE STATION, TX—Having evidently entered the “bargaining” phase of grief in the wake of George H.W. Bush’s death, witnesses confirmed Thursday that George W. Bush shoved his younger brother into their father’s open grave while screaming “No, take Jeb instead!” “Please! Please! Oh, God, please don’t take my father…

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Financial Experts Say Stock Market Constantly Plunging, Reaching Record Highs Leading Indicator Of Healthy Economy

Thu, 2018-12-06 14:37

NEW YORK—Reminding investors that 800-point swings are completely normal, financial experts confirmed Thursday that the stock market constantly plunging before climbing to record highs was the leading indicator of a healthy economy. “A highly volatile market that reaches a record high one day before suddenly wiping…

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Incredibly Popular George H.W. Bush Funeral Gets Extended 2-Week Run

Thu, 2018-12-06 14:21

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the mourning period for the recently deceased 41st president was “just getting started,” a spokesperson announced Thursday that the incredibly popular George H.W. Bush funeral would go on an extended two-week run. “Based on the outpouring of support we’ve seen for a president who the public…

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Woman Finds It Worrying That All Of New Boyfriend’s Previous Relationships Ended In Breakups

Thu, 2018-12-06 13:51

NEW YORK—Admitting that she had never suspected anything dubious until recently hearing the details of her significant other’s past, local woman Debra Haas told reporters Thursday that she found it worrying that all of her new boyfriend’s previous relationships ended in breakups. “I could see if only one or two had…

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Herpetologists Discover Species Of Frogs That Evolved To Spontaneously Grow Top Hat And Cane

Thu, 2018-12-06 13:28

ATHENS, OH—Claiming the finding could shed new light on the diversity of amphibian life, scientists from Ohio University announced Thursday that they had discovered a new species of frog that had evolved the ability to spontaneously grow a top hat and cane. “While in many ways resembling a common bullfrog, Lithobates

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