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Immigrant Children Terrified At Ghastly Visage Of La Llorona In Detention Center

Thu, 2018-06-21 14:44

This example of peerless reportage comes to you from Onion Social News. Onion Social News gives users access to the finest algorithmically-selected journalism, controlling what you see and when you see it for the betterment of humanity and beyond. To learn more, click here.

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Onion Social CEO Caught By Law Enforcement At Miami Airport With $800,000 In Cash

Thu, 2018-06-21 13:48

MIAMI—Spitting at photographers while he was escorted away in handcuffs, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum was apprehended by law enforcement at Miami International Airport on Thursday carrying approximately $800,000 in cash. “The suspect was taken into custody at approximately 6 a.m. while attempting to board a…

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Recently Uncovered Passage From Book Of Revelation Shows That Prophet Foresaw ‘Violent Reign Of Red-Headed Boy-King’

Thu, 2018-06-21 12:28

PATMOS, GREECE—In a stunning discovery that has Biblical scholars across the world racing for an interpretation, archaeologists from the University of Cambridge found a hitherto unseen passage from the Book of Revelation Thursday in which the prophet John of Patmos foresaw the “violent reign of the red-headed…

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Onion Social CEO Announces Changes To Site’s Privacy Policy

Thu, 2018-06-21 12:06

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Onion Social Staff Physician Concludes Website Not To Blame For Mass User Illness

Thu, 2018-06-21 11:45

Onion Social staff physician Harold P. Zweibel definitively concluded that the website is not to blame for mass outbreaks of user illness, putting to bed rumors created by its detractors. What do you think?

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Onion Social Study Finds No Clear Link Between Onion Social Use, Uncontrollable Vomiting Of Black Bile

Thu, 2018-06-21 11:31

PALO ALTO, CA—In an effort to assuage concerns that the website was a clear and present danger to human life, an Onion Social study released Thursday found no clear link between Onion Social use and the uncontrollable vomiting of black bile. “We can say with 100 percent certainty that spending several hours a day…

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Onion Social CEO Responds To Company Chaos By Donating $50 To Haiti

Thu, 2018-06-21 10:56

PALO ALTO, CA—Responding to recent reports of chaos within his company, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum announced Thursday that he would donate $50 to aid Haiti in the island nation’s continuing humanitarian crisis. “I am formally announcing a donation of 50 U.S. dollars for the betterment of life and the ongoing…

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Onion Social CEO Embarks On Tour Of Several Coffee Shops Near Where He Lives To Learn More About Everyday Americans

Thu, 2018-06-21 10:45

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Political Scientists Baffled By Trump’s Ability To End Something He Had No Control Over Just Days Ago

Wed, 2018-06-20 18:15

NEW HAVEN, CT—At a loss to explain the mysterious nature of the president’s powers, political scientists were reportedly baffled Wednesday by Donald Trump’s ability to end the practice of separating families who cross the U.S. border seeking asylum mere days after stating that he had no control over it. “Just…

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Breaking: America’s White Population Plummets To 2.7% After Trump Caves On Immigration Enforcement

Wed, 2018-06-20 17:54

WASHINGTON—In a stunning development unfolding rapidly throughout the once-predominantly Caucasian nation, America’s white population plummeted to 2.7 percent Wednesday following President Trump’s decision to cave on immigration enforcement. “The second that Trump showed weakness on immigration, people throughout…

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Americans Finally Recognize Own Country Again After President Does Half-Assed Job Walking Back Humanitarian Crimes

Wed, 2018-06-20 16:19

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the newly signed executive order ending the separation of immigrant families at the border was a return to the United States’ most foundational principles, Americans reportedly finally recognized their own country again Wednesday after witnessing the president do a half-assed job walking back…

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Onion Social Embraces Diversity By Adding Prophet Mohammed Emoji

Wed, 2018-06-20 15:16

PALO ALTO, CA—In an effort to make the platform comfortable and accessible for users of all backgrounds, Onion Social announced Wednesday that as part of its continued commitment to diversity, the company would be adding a range of Prophet Mohammed emojis. “This update will give Muslim users a fun and easy way to…

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Onion Social Announces Hiring Of James Damore As Chief Technology Officer

Wed, 2018-06-20 14:58

PALO ALTO, CA—Lauding the important addition to the company’s leadership team, Onion Social announced Thursday the hiring of James Damore to serve as chief technology officer. “Mr. Damore really impressed us with the clarity of his thinking and his innovative solutions to today’s most pressing issues in the tech…

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I Am dRUnk And thinking abouT my ex in an uBer with MY shoes Off. Ask me anythingg, i'M feeling really OpeN 

Wed, 2018-06-20 14:50

The most fascinating people on the planet are right here on ClickHole to answer all your fascinating questions about the most fascinating topics, all in real time. So join the convo on today’s Ask Questions At Me!

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Onion Social CEO Answers Your Questions On Privacy And User Data

Wed, 2018-06-20 14:42

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Onion Social Defends Decision To Remove ‘You Will Live’ Promise From Mission Statement

Wed, 2018-06-20 14:01

PALO ALTO, CA—Clarifying that the change was simply a much-needed streamlining of the site’s corporate language, founder and CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum defended his company’s decision Wednesday to remove the iconic “You will live” promise from the Onion Social mission statement. “In a dynamic company like Onion Social, we…

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Onion Social Cracks Down On Sexual Harassment By Banning All Women From Platform

Wed, 2018-06-20 13:51

PALO ALTO, CA—In response to countless reports of misogynistic abuse taking place on the social network, Onion Social announced Wednesday that it intends to crack down on sexual harassment by banning women from the platform. “Our female user base should know that we’ve heard their concerns and are taking all necessary…

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Onion Social CEO Promises Algorithm Will Now Automatically Label Racist, Sexist Content As ‘Debatable’

Wed, 2018-06-20 13:31

PALO ALTO, CA—Responding to concerns about offensive images and posts appearing on user’s feeds, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum announced Wednesday that the site’s algorithm has been updated to automatically label racist and sexist content as “Debatable.” “We’re sympathetic to anything that makes the site…

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