The Onion

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Updated: 23 hours 55 min ago

Golden Boy Boxing Applies For PPP Loan To Continue Paying Off Judges

Thu, 2020-05-07 13:04

LOS ANGELES—Calling scorekeepers the foundational pillars of their business, representatives from Golden Boy Promotions announced plans Friday to apply for a Paycheck Protection Program loan to continue paying off boxing judges during the coronavirus pandemic. “We’re not bringing much money right now, but that doesn’t…

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Tips For Making The Perfect Playlist

Thu, 2020-05-07 10:41
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REWIND! 10 Sharp Knives That Scarred You For Life

Thu, 2020-05-07 10:33

That sturdy black handle, the 10-inch blade, that glinting serrated edge—that’s gotta take you right back!

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Quiet City Streets Allow Neighborhood Residents To Hear The Natural Sounds Of Couples’ Blow-Out Fights

Thu, 2020-05-07 09:01

With the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it’s easy to forget they’re there. But, as the coronavirus pandemic brings society to a screeching halt, the beautiful sounds of the natural world have begun to reemerge.

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1 In 5 Wendy’s Restaurants Currently Out Of Beef

Thu, 2020-05-07 08:56

Nearly 20% of Wendy’s restaurants are currently unable to serve hamburgers as the company faces meat shortages due to the pandemic, with analysts noting the fast food chain has been harder hit than its competitors because it uses fresher beef for its products. What do you think?

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Major Airlines Will Require Passengers Wear Masks During Flights

Wed, 2020-05-06 16:42

With air travel down 96%, several U.S. airlines have announced that passengers will now be required to wear face coverings at check-in areas, lounges, boarding gates, and on the plane for the duration of their flight. What do you think?

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Man Just Can’t Be With Someone Who He Projects So Many Of His Own Flaws Onto

Wed, 2020-05-06 16:39

WESTCHESTER, MA—Admitting he simply couldn’t shake many of the concerns he had about his current girlfriend, local man Stephen Lashley told reporters Wednesday that he couldn’t be with someone who he projects so many of his flaws onto. “Obviously, Sarah is nice, but when you get down to it, I really can’t see myself…

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Elon Musk Debuts New Self-Parenting Child

Wed, 2020-05-06 16:07

PALO ALTO, CA—Proudly showing off his latest innovation, Tesla CEO Elon Musk debuted an all-new self-parenting child Wednesday. “This is the most intuitive baby we’ve ever seen—it’s completely hands off,” said Musk, who explained how the breakthrough was motivated by his desire for a baby he would never need to think…

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Study Finds Skin Melting Off Your Hands Revealing Bones Beneath Best Indication You’re About To Have A Bad Trip

Wed, 2020-05-06 14:33

SANTA CRUZ, CA—In an investigation of how different variables can predict the effects of hallucinogenic drugs, a new study published Wednesday found that the skin of one’s hands dissolving into a puddle to reveal the bones beneath provided the best indication that one was about to have a bad trip. “Among participants…

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Biden Campaign Considering Using The Internet To Attract Voters

Wed, 2020-05-06 13:35

PHILADELPHIA—Saying it was definitely something they were looking into, officials with Joe Biden’s presidential campaign confirmed to reporters Wednesday they were actively exploring the possibility of using the internet to attract voters. “We may use it, we may not, but yes, it is one of the outreach tools on our…

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Conservative Militia Group Prepares For Societal Collapse By Training As Hairstylists, Nail Technicians

Wed, 2020-05-06 13:01

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Training night and day in an abandoned strip mall complex, a conservative militia group has been preparing for societal collapse by training as hairstylists, nail technicians, and cosmetologists, sources confirmed Wednesday. “When the shit hits the fan, we’ll be the ones who are ready to take care of…

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How Contact Tracing Works

Wed, 2020-05-06 11:55

As governments look to reopen social life in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, some officials and tech industry leaders have proposed or implemented contact tracing to limit the disease’s spread. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how contact tracing works.

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Facebook Cracking Down On Misinformation By Warning Users Who Share Links From Facebook

Wed, 2020-05-06 11:46

MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to slow the proliferation of fake news, tech giant Facebook announced plans Wednesday to crack down on misinformation by warning users who share links from Facebook. “We want users to see accurate information on our platform, so we’re flagging disreputable sites like Facebook that often…

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The Top 10 Celebrity Pip Blips

Wed, 2020-05-06 11:32

When it comes to pip blips, Megan Fox takes the cake. Case in point.

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Nobody Panic: Bulbasaur Found A Gun

Wed, 2020-05-06 10:26

Alright, gamers, remain calm, but we have a situation on our hands. We don’t know how it happened or how long this is going to last, but it looks like everyone’s favorite Gen 1 Leaf Pokémon has found a gun.

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Oscar Meyer Whiner

Wed, 2020-05-06 10:24
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5 Things To Know About Justin Amash

Wed, 2020-05-06 10:19
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Michelle Obama ‘Becoming’ Netflix Documentary Spends First Hour On Embryonic Stage

Wed, 2020-05-06 10:17

LOS ANGELES—Calling the upcoming release “surprisingly intimate,” sources confirmed Wednesday that Becoming, the new Netflix documentary about Michelle Obama, spends the first hour on the former first lady’s time spent in the embryonic stage. “It’s fascinating to explore this undiscussed time in Michelle Obama’s life…

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Carnival Cruise Line To Resume Service In August

Wed, 2020-05-06 10:12

Carnival Cruise Line, whose fleet has been docked since the CDC issued a No Sail Order in March, announced plans to resume sailing in August starting with cruises out of ports in Texas and Florida. What do you think?

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