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Updated: 23 hours 54 min ago

The Top 10 Prevented Nip Slips

Wed, 2020-05-06 09:56

Actress Jennifer Lawrence is wearing a dress in this shot, but if she wasn’t then it would be a MAJOR nip slip!

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Boston Market CEO Forgoes Annual 2-Million-Gallon Gravy Bonus To Help Pay Unemployed Workers

Wed, 2020-05-06 08:46

In an incredible showing of generosity, Boston Market CEO Eric Wyatt announced that he will be forgoing his annual bonus of warm, thick gravy in an effort to help support the company’s furloughed workers. Hear how Boston Market employees are thanking their heroic CEO.

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Immune System Bored Too

Tue, 2020-05-05 16:37

DETROIT—Feeling listless and irritable after weeks of dull routine and attempts to keep itself occupied, the immune system of self-quarantined local man Gary Dutton was bored too, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I’ll eventually go crazy if I keep puttering around like this with nothing to do but fight off the same old…

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Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Would Prefer Working Remotely After Pandemic

Tue, 2020-05-05 15:22

A survey released by IBM found that 75% of people polled would like the option to work from home occasionally once coronavirus restrictions are lifted and 54% would prefer to work from home the majority of the time. What do you think?

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13 Adorable Photos Of Baby Farm Animals, But With Each Click, Another Appendage Will Be Cut Off Our Finance Director’s Body. How Far Will You Go? When Will You Let It Stop?

Tue, 2020-05-05 11:08

Aw! Look at this little guy! Doesn’t he remind you of Babe? Our finance director’s name is Rick Cerveres. If you click to the next slide, we will cut off his index finger.

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Pizza Placed In Frozen Slumber Until Time World Needs It Most

Tue, 2020-05-05 10:53

SANTA MONICA, CA—In an effort to prepare for a coming age in which supplies have grown scarce and hunger runs rampant, a pizza was reportedly placed in frozen slumber Tuesday and will remain there until such time as the world has great need of it. “You are a time-traveler, venturing forth on a mission of utmost…

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Man Feels Like He Gets Gist Of Enlightenment After First Few Minutes Of Hearing Zen Monk Talk

Tue, 2020-05-05 10:44

SEATTLE—While watching a dharma talk recorded at the Ancient Mountain Zen Center, local 32-year-old Mark Davis told reporters Tuesday that he felt like he pretty much got the gist of enlightenment after the first few minutes of hearing a Zen monk speak. “Yeah, yeah, you let go of attachments, dissolve your ego, and…

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BREAKING: Millions Of Americans Sucked Out Into Space After NASA Accidentally Open Airlock Above Headquarters

Tue, 2020-05-05 10:42

WASHINGTON—Millions of Americans were reportedly sucked into the vacuum of outer space Tuesday after the country’s airlock accidentally opened above NASA’s headquarters in what the agency is calling a significant technical error. “Earlier this morning, a computational malfunction opened the NASA Earth Airlock above…

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Invasive ‘Murder Hornets’ Confirmed In U.S.

Tue, 2020-05-05 09:01

Scientists confirmed that Asian giant hornets, which are known to decapitate entire hives of honeybees and have a venomous sting that can kill humans if stung multiple times, have been discovered in Washington state for the first time. What do you think?

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Best At-Home Workouts To Do When Your Head Is Stuck In The Banister

Tue, 2020-05-05 08:58

Being caught in the stairs is no excuse to forgo your daily cardio! We’ll walk you through a great workout you can do at home that will take your mind off the fact that your head’s been stuck between two wooden rails for the last three hours and you might die that way.

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Belarusian Soccer Execs Pop Champagne On New Mega Yacht To Celebrate Wave Of Increased Popularity That Will Surely Last Forever

Mon, 2020-05-04 15:54

MINSK, BELARUS—Joyously toasting to the decision to continue play through the coronavirus pandemic, executives from the Belarusian Premier League popped champagne on their new mega yacht Monday to celebrate the league’s sudden spike in popularity that will surely last forever. “It’s clear that we’re the most beloved…

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Man Can’t Unsee That McDonald’s Logo Just Big ‘M’

Mon, 2020-05-04 14:23

OLATHE, KS—Expressing disbelief that he had gone almost 40 years without noticing the symbol that was hiding in plain sight, local man Brett Presley told reporters Monday that after a friend pointed it out, he could not unsee that the McDonald’s logo is secretly a big letter M. “When Brian first told me that those big…

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Trump Blames China For Acting Too Late In Coordinating U.S. Coronavirus Response

Mon, 2020-05-04 13:42

WASHINGTON—Lambasting the rival superpower for what he called “reckless” and “irresponsible” behavior, President Donald Trump publicly blamed China Monday for acting too late in coordinating the U.S. Covid-19 response. “China knew our nation was facing a deadly threat as early as January, and yet they did nothing to…

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YouTube Shuts Down Account Of Man Who Pushed 5G Coronavirus Conspiracy

Mon, 2020-05-04 13:38

YouTube has deleted English conspiracy theorist David Icke’s account for violating their terms of service after Icke posted videos claiming 5G spreads coronavirus, a theory that has since incited dozens of arson attacks on cell towers. What do you think?

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Kindergartener Can’t Believe Friend Has Never Seen ‘Cars 3’ Before

Mon, 2020-05-04 13:00

BROOKLYN—Expressing disbelief about his peer’s paucity of cinematic knowledge, area toddler Aiden McInnes was reportedly surprised Monday to discover that his friend Liam Kellerman had never seen the Pixar film Cars 3. “Wow you’re really missing out on one of the all-time classic films when it comes to cars driving…

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