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Updated: 23 hours 54 min ago

Major Relief: Microsoft Has Confirmed That The Xbox Series X Will Play Video Games

Mon, 2020-05-04 12:18

Well, we can all breathe a little easier today. After months of speculation over their next-generation console, Microsoft has finally confirmed what we were all hoping for: The Xbox Series X will play video games.

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10 Reasons Falling For Shameless Click Bait Makes You A Bad Mother

Mon, 2020-05-04 10:57

Being easily swayed by 1980s nostalgia is a sign of weakness. It is a sign that you lack basic maternal instincts and are incapable of raising your young.

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The Topical Wins A Pulitzer

Mon, 2020-05-04 09:17

It’s the highest award one can receive for achievements in journalistic excellence. Host Leslie Price accepts the prize with grace and poise as he showcases some of the show’s finest work.

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Doctors Report ‘Covid Toes’ As Possible New Coronavirus Symptom

Mon, 2020-05-04 09:07

Dermatologists say red, swollen toes that appear frostbitten may be a sign of coronavirus, adding that it is not unusual for viruses to cause rashes but the fact the lesions only appear on the feet make this symptom unique to the disease. What do you think?

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Justin Amash Announces 3rd Party Run For President

Fri, 2020-05-01 17:03

Michigan Congressman Justin Amash, originally a member of the Republican Party before changing his affiliation to independent last year, announced that he is running for president as a Libertarian. What do you think?

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NCAA Wonders Why Financially Struggling Student Athletes Didn’t Just Exploit Labor Of Others

Fri, 2020-05-01 15:20

NEW YORK—Expressing confusion over players’ work ethic, NCAA president Mark Emmert wondered Friday why financially struggling student athletes didn’t just exploit the labor of others. “We understand students may often feel financial pressure, but they did not need to ask us for money when they could simply go out and…

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Man Not Sure He Can Take Another 6 Weeks Of Barely Following CDC Guidelines

Fri, 2020-05-01 14:27

ST. LOUIS—Following more than a month of halfhearted adherence to guidelines put in place to combat Covid-19, local man Luke Bradley confirmed Friday that he was unsure if he could take another six weeks of barely adopting practices recommended by the Centers for Disease Control. “I honestly don’t know how much longer…

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Biden Addresses Sexual Assault Allegations: ‘My Advisors Told Me To Say They Aren’t True’

Fri, 2020-05-01 13:22

WASHINGTON—Addressing allegations by Tara Reade that the Democratic presidential candidate sexually assaulted her during her time as a Senate aide, Joe Biden responded after weeks of silence Friday by telling reporters, “My advisors told me to say they aren’t true.” “I want to be clear—my campaign staff explicitly…

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40 Numbers Under 40

Fri, 2020-05-01 11:02
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Even Better Than Travis Scott: The Nephew Of An Epic Games Executive Will Be Playing Some Songs On The Oboe For Everyone In ‘Fortnite’

Fri, 2020-05-01 10:06

Exciting news, battle royale fans! As any diehard gamer already knows, Fortnite hosted a virtual Travis Scott concert last week that attracted 12.3 million simultaneous players for a mind-melting psychedelic spectacle. Well, as a follow-up to that event’s unprecedented success, Epic Games just announced that…

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Americans React With Indifference After First Case Of Coronavirus Spreading To Pet Ferret

Fri, 2020-05-01 09:36

HASTINGS-ON-HUDSON, NY—Acknowledging that it certainly wasn’t a good thing but there were more pressing matters, Americans across the country reacted with indifference Friday following reports of the first case of Covid-19 spreading to a pet ferret. “Huh, how about that,” said Sandra Goetz, 34, echoing the sentiments…

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How Coronavirus Will Change Human Relationships

Fri, 2020-05-01 09:33

Research suggests the dangers of the coronavirus pandemic likely won’t subside for months, if not longer, and experts have warned that human relationships could be forever affected by prolonged isolation, as well as efforts to prevent future recurrences. The Onion looks at how coronavirus will change human…

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Struggling United States Purchased By Private Equity Firm

Fri, 2020-05-01 09:29

The U.S. may have some big changes coming its way after being acquired by Prospect Capital Partners. Hear what this could mean for the newly renamed United50’s future, assuming it has one.

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New Fossil Evidence Suggests Dinosaur Could Swim

Fri, 2020-05-01 09:26

Paleontologists say the anatomy of a newly discovered tail fossil proves that Spinosaurus, a carnivore that lived during the Cretaceous Period, could swim through the water much like a crocodile, making it the first-known swimming dinosaur. What do you think?

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