The Onion

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Updated: 8 hours 54 min ago

Fly Thinks Back Fondly On Time It Got To Perch On Popsicle Stick For Few Seconds

Tue, 2020-07-07 11:11

SOUTH HADLEY, MA—Recalling the joyful experience from its youth, a local fly reportedly reminisced Tuesday about the time it had gotten to perch on a popsicle stick for a few seconds. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of adventures in this crazy world, but no matter where my travels take me, I’ll always cherish…

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Consulting Firm Recommends Keeping Consulting Firm On For 6 More Months

Tue, 2020-07-07 10:48

ASHEVILLE, NC—In a lengthy report laying out recommendations it described as absolutely essential to its client’s future success, consulting firm Hewitt Lord Advisors suggested Tuesday that a business keep the consulting firm on for six more months. “After reviewing the numbers, we can say with confidence that…

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How To Parallel Park Perfectly

Tue, 2020-07-07 09:13
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Lime Unveils Pilot Program For Inexplicable New E-Cubes

Tue, 2020-07-07 08:42

Could these huge electric cubes that citygoes can drag, push, or roll with them to their destination be the future of transportation?

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Prehistoric Monument Discovered Near Stonehenge

Tue, 2020-07-07 08:30

Archaeologists have discovered a ring of 20 pits each measuring 33 feet wide and 16 feet deep just a few miles from Stonehenge, which they say predate the famous English monument by at least 1,500 years. What do you think?

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Kanye West Announces Plan To Run For President

Mon, 2020-07-06 16:34

In a July 4th tweet, Kanye West announced his intention to run for president, though he has missed several state deadlines to appear on the ballot and has yet to file any official paperwork. What do you think?

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Trump Slaughters Dozens Of American Troops In Hopes Of Cashing In On Russian Bounties

Mon, 2020-07-06 15:17

BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN—Following intelligence reports that Moscow offered to pay Taliban-linked militants to kill coalition forces in Afghanistan, President Donald Trump reportedly slaughtered dozens of U.S. service members Monday in hopes of cashing in on the bounties. “Once I heard Russia was paying out these…

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Researchers Warn Coronavirus May Use Propeller Hat To Stay Airborne

Mon, 2020-07-06 15:14

ATLANTA—Contradicting previous studies on the virus’s transmission, researchers from Emory University released a report Monday warning that Covid-19 may use propeller hats to stay airborne. “New evidence shows the coronavirus may be donning colorful caps to hover indoors for hours at a time,” said study co-author Dr.…

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FBI Agent Desperately Trying To Remember Why They Have File On Eugene Levy Again

Mon, 2020-07-06 14:42

WASHINGTON—Searching his memory for what precisely launched the investigation back in the early ’70s, FBI Agent Richard Lang reportedly spent Monday afternoon trying to remember why the agency has a file on Eugene Levy. “On the one hand, I’m sure there’s a reason that we started keeping thousands of pages of records…

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Get Excited, Gamers! Activision Shot Down A French Plane Over Icelandic Waters To Start A New War To Set ‘Call Of Duty’ Games In

Mon, 2020-07-06 13:16

Here is thrilling news that should have every fan of online shooters drooling in anticipation: Yesterday, Activision employees operating a MIM-104F Patriot surface-to-air missile launcher shot down a French airliner over Icelandic waters, pushing the nations to the brink of armed conflict, all in the name of having a…

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Vacuous Fool Using ‘Wicker’ And ‘Rattan’ Interchangeably

Mon, 2020-07-06 12:15

SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT—Scrolling through the comments of her Etsy page and scoffing with disdain, craft enthusiast Mary Gehlhausen told reporters that a vacuous fool had used the word “wicker” and “rattan” interchangeably. “What was she, born yesterday—let me guess, she calls quilts ‘crochets’ and she probably thinks…

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Yeah, Yeah, Nation Gets It, We Rapidly Approaching End Of Critical Window To Avert Climate Collapse Or Whatever

Mon, 2020-07-06 11:41

WASHINGTON—Responding to escalating reports warning of imminent catastrophe, the nation expressed Monday that yeah, yeah, we get it, we’re rapidly approaching the end of the critical window to avert climate collapse or whatever. “Sure, sure, I’ve heard this whole song and dance before about how we’re only years away…

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Victoria’s Secret Shutters Operations After Concluding Women Were Never Hot Enough To Wear Their Underwear In First Place

Mon, 2020-07-06 09:17

The popular women’s beauty brand is closing for good and apologizing today for ever thinking a woman could be hot enough to pull off their lacey boy shorts or see-through nighttime slips.

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The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

Sat, 2020-07-04 10:32

Oh, wow, look at that!

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Man Doing Whippet While Setting Off M-80 In Woods Behind Hardee’s Takes Moment To Reflect On How Promise Of Freedom Yet Unfulfilled

Sat, 2020-07-04 09:57

NORPHLET, AR—Breathing deeply of nitrous oxide as he listened to the powerful explosions, solemn and somber local man Maxwell Baker reportedly took a moment while doing whippets and setting off M-80s in the woods behind Hardee’s Saturday to reflect upon the unfulfilled promise of American freedom. “This nation was…

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