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Updated: 14 hours 31 min ago

IBM Closes Jew-Tracking Division After Decades Of Declining Revenue

Thu, 2018-12-06 12:09

ARMONK, NY—Describing the department as “an inefficient relic of the past the company has outgrown,” IBM announced the closure of its Jew-tracking division Thursday, citing decades of declining revenue. “While the division was a model of demographic research and data harvesting in the 1930s when it represented a…

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Wells Fargo Computer Glitch Accidentally Forecloses On All 5,700 Branches

Wed, 2018-12-05 17:10

SAN FRANCISCO—Saying it deeply regretted the error, financial services giant Wells Fargo confirmed Wednesday that a computer glitch had resulted in the lender accidentally foreclosing on all 5,700 of its retail banking branches in the United States. “We apologize to anyone who might have been affected by this simple…

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Mueller Expected To Reveal Details About 3 Major Players In Russia Investigation

Wed, 2018-12-05 17:07

Prosecutors for Special Counsel Robert Mueller will file several new documents this week about some of the most important players in the Russia probe, including former national security adviser Michael Flynn, former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort, and former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen. What do you think?

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Nervous Maid Of Honor Just Stringing Together Random Maya Angelou Quotes

Wed, 2018-12-05 15:49

CLEVELAND, OH—Relying completely on the acclaimed poet’s platitudes on life, love, and loss, anxiety-ridden wedding participant Kelsey Guzman based the majority of her maid of honor speech this week on random Maya Angelou quotes strung together on extremely thin pretenses. “I thought Kels would be okay when she opened…

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Wisconsin Legislature Weakens Incoming Democratic Governor By Restricting His Access To Food, Water, Shelter

Wed, 2018-12-05 14:54

MADISON, WI—In an effort to prevent the state’s newly elected leader from enacting his agenda, the Republican-controlled Wisconsin legislature was working to weaken incoming Democratic governor Tony Evers by restricting his access to food, water, and shelter, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We must rein in the…

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Raytheon Employee Going To Be Pissed If Bonus Just Missile Again

Wed, 2018-12-05 12:35

WALTHAM, MA—Saying he was sick and tired of getting shortchanged by the defense contractor, Raytheon employee Dennis McCormick confirmed Wednesday that he was going to be pissed if his holiday bonus this year turned out to be a missile again. “Those cheap bastards had better pony up some actual cash instead of just…

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The Computer Mouse Turns 50

Wed, 2018-12-05 12:25

On Dec. 9, 1968, engineer Douglas Engelbart introduced the computer mouse at a product demo, bringing one of the essential elements of the personal computer to the public. The Onion looks back at the development of the computer mouse on its 50-year anniversary.

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Producer Tells Actress Non-Disclosure Agreement Pretty Standard For Getting Away With Abusing His Power

Wed, 2018-12-05 12:20

LOS ANGELES—Dismissing it as nothing more than “a bunch of legal-ese” giving him free rein to make her life hell, film producer Richard Chapman reportedly assured an up-and-coming actress Wednesday that her non-disclosure agreement was pretty standard for permitting men like him to abuse their power. “You can read it…

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International Climate Conference Kicks Off In Poland

Wed, 2018-12-05 12:10

Leaders from around the world will meet for the next two weeks to discuss how to decrease greenhouse gas emissions and monitor nations’ fidelity to the Paris agreement amidst escalating evidence that humanity isn’t doing enough to counter climate change. What do you think?

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Gina Haspel Briefs Senators On Saudis’ ‘Shockingly Uninspired’ Khashoggi Interrogation

Tue, 2018-12-04 19:10

WASHINGTON—Describing the international incident as a run-of-the-mill violation of human rights, CIA director Gina Haspel briefed senators Tuesday on the “shockingly uninspired” techniques employed by Saudi government agents during the interrogation of Jamal Khashoggi. “Unfortunately, all evidence indicates that…

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Trump Boys Raid Sister’s Closet For Sexy Clothes They Can Use To Seduce And Blackmail Robert Mueller

Tue, 2018-12-04 17:26

WASHINGTON—With each brother stretching a pair sheer tights over their arms before shimmying into evening gowns, the Trump boys reportedly raided their sister’s closet Tuesday for sexy clothes they could use to seduce and blackmail Special Counsel Robert Mueller. “We can use Ivanka’s fancy dress-up stuff to disguise…

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Woman Preemptively Posts A Few Good Photos Of Herself Online Just In Case She Ever Dies In Shooting

Tue, 2018-12-04 16:08

YUMA, AZ—Uploading almost a gigabyte of image files to her various social media accounts, nursing assistant Katherine Rohrbach, 26, took the precaution of posting several of her favorite photos of herself online Tuesday just in case she dies in a mass shooting. “Should I ever be cut down by a deranged gunman while…

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Scientists Say Pluto Definitely A Planet

Tue, 2018-12-04 15:57

A study published in the scientific journal Icarus argues that Pluto never should have downgraded due to its undersized orbit, suggesting that this criterion for a planet is obsolete. What do you think?

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GOP-Controlled Wisconsin Legislature Votes To Dissolve State Rather Than Let Democrats Have It

Tue, 2018-12-04 15:28

MADISON, WI—Passing the measure along party lines, the GOP-controlled Wisconsin legislature voted Tuesday to dissolve the 30th state admitted to the union rather than let governor-elect Tony Evers and other members of the Democratic Party have it. “This essential legislation officially dismantles the State of…

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Guest Roster Assembled For Surprise Birthday Reveals Minimal Understanding Of Girlfriend’s Social Circle

Tue, 2018-12-04 15:16

ST. PAUL, MN—Describing the majority of attendees as “acquaintances at best,” birthday celebrant Megan Randall stated publicly Tuesday that a surprise birthday party organized by her boyfriend, Kevin Collins, displayed a less-than-minimal familiarity with her social circle. “I frankly haven’t spoken to some of these…

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Researchers Publish List Of Ways Animals Can Help Fight Climate Change

Tue, 2018-12-04 14:42

MEDFORD, MA—Explaining that there were many simple things they could do to tackle one of the most urgent crises facing planet Earth, researchers from Tufts University published Tuesday a list of ways that animals could help fight climate change. “Whether you’re a beaver, elk, or trout, it’s important for everyone to…

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Active-Shooter Drills By The Numbers

Tue, 2018-12-04 14:00
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