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Perseverance Rover Will Carry Essays, List Of Names To Mars

Tue, 2020-03-31 15:53

The Perseverance Rover will bring along a microchip etched with 10.9 million names and over 150 essays on its journey to the Red Planet when it launches this summer, all part of NASA’s “Send Your Name To Mars” campaign. What do you think?

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Parton Parcel

Tue, 2020-03-31 14:34
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Trump Tackles Medical Supply Shortage By Awarding ExxonMobil Contract To Drill For Ventilators In Arctic

Tue, 2020-03-31 13:23

WASHINGTON—Saying there was no way the coronavirus could win with such amazing corporations on their side, President Donald Trump kicked off his plan to tackle the medical supply shortage Tuesday by awarding ExxonMobil an exclusive contract to drill for ventilators in the arctic. “Today, the heroic crews at ExxonMobil…

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New York Quickly Builds Thousands Of Emergency Hamptons Mansions To Shelter Wealthy

Tue, 2020-03-31 11:42

EAST HAMPTON, NY—In an effort to rapidly meet the needs of those most affected by the coronavirus pandemic, New York officials announced Tuesday that they were quickly building thousands of emergency Hamptons mansions to shelter wealthy residents. “We allocated hundreds of million dollars in state funding and…

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How To Solve A Rubik’s Cube

Tue, 2020-03-31 11:32

Choose one face of the cube to start with. Remember, the color of the middle square represents the color of the entire side of the cube. So if the middle square is white, the entire face of the cube should eventually be white.

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Disney Announces Plans To Release ‘Mulan’ Directly Into Americans’ Consciousness

Tue, 2020-03-31 11:10

BURBANK, CA—As studios continue to delay the theatrical runs of major films due to the global Covid-19 pandemic, Walt Disney Pictures announced plans Tuesday to release the highly anticipated live-action remake of Mulan directly into the consciousness of every American. “In the interests of encouraging film viewers to…

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Tips For Getting Started On ‘Persona 5 Royal’

Tue, 2020-03-31 10:39

As one of the greatest JRPGs of this generation, Persona 5 was already a must-play for fans of the genre, an immersive odyssey through modern-day Tokyo that seamlessly blended elements of social simulation, dungeon crawling, and role-playing. And with its latest iteration, the game gets remastered and reimagined in…

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Employee Proves Diligence By Arriving To Video Conference Call Extra Hour Early Every Morning

Tue, 2020-03-31 10:18

PORTLAND, OR—Going out of his way to demonstrate his dedication to the company, McDaniel Software Group employee Gregory Dougenis proved his diligence by arriving at video conference calls an extra hour early every morning, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Man, the morning video call doesn’t start until 9, but Greg is on…

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Man Watching Space Force Rocket Launch Gazes In Awe At The Power Of Human Stupidity

Mon, 2020-03-30 17:21

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Struggling to put his powerful feelings into words, local man Luke Paulsen was reportedly gazing in awe of human stupidity Monday while watching a recorded broadcast of the U.S. Space Force rocket launch. “Wow, when mankind comes together, there are truly no limits to our wastefulness,” said…

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CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY ONE: Jesus Christ Cancels Return To Earth Amid Pandemic

Mon, 2020-03-30 16:35

OPR is sheltering in place and podcasting from home. But that won’t stop host Leslie Price from bringing you all the day’s top stories, including why the Son of God’s triumphant second coming may be suspended indefinitely.

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‘What Is This Strange Sensation,’ Announces Nation Putting On Shoes For First Time In A While

Mon, 2020-03-30 16:19

CHICAGO—With confusion descending upon the U.S. populace as it struggled to grasp what was happening to their bodies, a largely quarantined nation announced, “What is this strange sensation,” Monday after slipping on shoes for the first time in a while to step outside for some fresh air. “It’s such a weird feeling,…

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Neanderthals Ate Seafood Including Sharks And Dolphins

Mon, 2020-03-30 16:12

New evidence suggests Neanderthals consumed a diverse diet that included sealife like seals, mussels, crabs, and fish, contradicting previous theories that eating protein-rich marine resources was unique to early humans and contributed to their increased brain development. What do you think?

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Instacart Employees Plan Nationwide Strike Monday

Mon, 2020-03-30 15:00

Employees for Instacart announced plans to strike Monday, saying they want the company to provide personal protective equipment, hazard pay and expanded pay for workers affected by coronavirus. What do you think?

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New Report Finds Americans Willing To Trust Scientific Knowledge Of Anyone Holding Glass Beaker Up To Light

Mon, 2020-03-30 14:04

WASHINGTON—A new report released Monday by the Pew Research Center Monday revealed that Americans were much more willing to trust the scientific knowledge of anyone holding a glass beaker up to the light. “It doesn’t matter if it’s a graduated cylinder or Erlenmeyer flask, if it contains a bright, colorful liquid and…

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Psychologists: So-Called ‘Dr. Fauci’ Just A Figment Of Nation’s Collective Imagination

Mon, 2020-03-30 13:57

WASHINGTON—Revealing that the mental projection represented the combined hopes and needs of a deeply unsettled populace, psychology experts announced Monday that the figure referred to by Americans as “Dr. Anthony Fauci” was merely a figment of the nation’s collective imagination. “In trying times like these, it’s…

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New Unhinged PETA Ad Warns That Once You Put Googly Eyes On A Banana, Eating It Is Murder

Mon, 2020-03-30 12:39

NORFOLK, VA—Panning over a disembodied hand as it applied Elmer’s glue to a blurry, yellow peel, an unhinged new PETA ad released Monday warned viewers that once you put googly eyes on a banana, eating it is murder. “You may think bananas are just some sweet, delicious snack, but what if your banana didn’t just have…

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