The Onion

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Timeline Of Human Activity In Antarctica

Mon, 2018-10-15 12:38

Antarctica, Earth’s southernmost continent, faces numerous threats from climate change, but many people don’t know very much about the isolated area. The Onion looks back at a history of exploration, scientific study, and human activity in Antarctica.

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Grandma Amazed By How Fuckable Grandson Has Gotten Since She Saw Him Last

Mon, 2018-10-15 12:34

DUNCANVILLE, TX—Beckoning the boy to come closer so “Nana can feel those washboard abs,” local grandmother Shirley Paulson was reportedly amazed Monday by how fuckable her grandson has gotten since she last saw him. “My, Jackson, you are really growing into quite the grade-A slice of man meat! Ooh, I just want to…

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Washington Supreme Court Strikes Down State’s Death Penalty

Mon, 2018-10-15 12:24

Washington’s Supreme Court ruled that the death penalty is unconstitutional due to its unequal application depending on race and extenuating circumstances, making it the 20th state to do away with capital punishment. What do you think?

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Horrified Nurses Discover 40-Pound Baby After Accidentally Leaving It In Incubator Over Weekend

Mon, 2018-10-15 11:47

DENVER—Realizing with horror that they had forgotten to do a final sweep of the neonatal intensive care unit, nurses at Saint Joseph Hospital were reportedly mortified to discover a 40-pound baby Monday after accidentally leaving it in an incubator over the weekend. “Oh, God, it totally slipped my mind that we were…

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All Hallow's Grieve

Mon, 2018-10-15 10:57
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Stephen Hawking’s Final Paper Revealed

Sat, 2018-10-13 10:43

Famed physicist Stephen Hawking’s final paper, titled “Black Hole Entropy And Soft Hair,” has been published, dealing with the question of what happens when objects fall into black holes. What do you think?

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Bill And Hillary Clinton Announce Joint Tour

Fri, 2018-10-12 16:37

Bill and Hillary Clinton announced a joint tour this week to tour North America, allowing audiences to hear conversations with a couple that has “helped shape our world.” What do you think?

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Sully Sullenberger Realizes It Too Late Now To Let Everyone Know Plane Did All That Stuff On Autopilot

Fri, 2018-10-12 16:09

SAN FRANCISCO—Admitting it would be rather awkward to come clean at this juncture now, retired American Airlines pilot Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger realized Friday that it was almost certainly too late to let everybody know that the Airbus A320 of flight 1549, which landed in the Hudson on Jan. 15, 2009 with no loss…

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Mom Hates Bad Guy In Movie

Fri, 2018-10-12 15:07

PHILADELPHIA—Throughout the runtime of the two-hour movie, local mother of three Barbara Rosenstock, 62, took several opportunities Friday to declare her hatred for the bad guy. “Oh, he’s just being so mean to his girlfriend! That’s terrible. It’s just awful how he treats her!” said Rosenstock, gasping and shaking her…

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Kanye West Jumps On Massage Table To Deliver Speech About Relaxation

Fri, 2018-10-12 13:35

LOS ANGELES—Insisting that a new age of unwinding was upon the world if they only paid attention, Kanye West jumped onto a massage table at Deluca Bodywork Friday to deliver a highly charged speech about relaxation. “We’re at this point in history where humans can’t relax—they’re on edge, they’re high-strung, and we…

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Panicked Falcons Discover Scratch In Mercedes Benz Stadium

Fri, 2018-10-12 13:24

ATLANTA, GA—Pacing and cursing as they searched in vain for a note, the entire Falcons roster reportedly panicked Friday after finding a massive scratch in Mercedes Benz Stadium. “Dammit, who did this? It’s halfway down the whole thing! Christ, this is going to cost a fortune to fix,” said a distressed Matt Ryan as he…

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Trump Administration Urges Saudis To Stick To Killing Random Yemeni Civilians

Fri, 2018-10-12 12:51

WASHINGTON—As criticism mounted over the country’s alleged role in the disappearance and possible death of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, the Trump administration reportedly urged the leaders of Saudi Arabia Friday to stick to killing random Yemeni civilians. “The potential murder of a high-profile journalist critical of…

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Frightened Don Jr. Asks If He Can Sleep In Dad’s Bed After Bad Dream About Being Indicted

Fri, 2018-10-12 12:31

WASHINGTON—Sobbing uncontrollably as he ran into the room, Donald Trump Jr. asked his father, the 45th president of the United States, if he could sleep in his bed with him Thursday night after reportedly having a bad dream about being indicted. “It was so scary! The bad man told me that telling lies to Congress and…

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Report: Many States Still Relying On Outdated Methods To Disenfranchise Voters

Fri, 2018-10-12 11:51

WASHINGTON—Urging Congress to take action before the entire system was compromised, the Federal Election Commission warned Thursday that many states were still relying on outdated methods to disenfranchise their voters. “The fact that a number of polling places across the country are still trying to purge voter rolls…

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Woman Always Gets Best Ideas While Taking Shower With Two Jacked Dudes

Fri, 2018-10-12 10:17

CHICAGO—Saying there’s just no better way to get the fresh thoughts percolating, local woman Isabelle Garner, 28, told reporters Friday that she gets all her best ideas while showering with two totally ripped hunks. “Whenever I’m feeling a little blocked, I hop in the shower with a couple of stunningly gorgeous…

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Panicked Meteorologists Advise Entire Nation To Take Cover After Losing Track Of Hurricane Michael

Thu, 2018-10-11 17:54

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning that the 350-mile-wide Category 4 cyclonic storm system could strike any region of the United States at any time, panicked meteorologists at the National Weather Service issued an official advisory Thursday for the entire country to take cover after admitting they’d lost track of Hurricane…

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Tips For Relieving Back Pain

Thu, 2018-10-11 17:17
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