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Trump Locked Out Of White House After Accidentally Revoking Own Security Clearance

Thu, 2018-08-16 14:03

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly flustered while impotently pounding on the front door and pleading to come inside, President Trump was reportedly locked out of the White House Thursday after accidentally revoking his own security clearance. “C’mon, just open the door, guys! I didn’t mean to strip myself of access to…

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Report: Someone Robbed That KFC Again

Thu, 2018-08-16 13:33

MARSHFIELD, MO—In what the community believes to be something like the fifth such incident since the location’s grand opening in 2011, south side Marshfield sources reported Thursday that someone has robbed that one KFC yet again. “Yeah, that place is always getting robbed. I wouldn’t go in there if I were you—place…

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Methadone Clinic Must Be Having Some Sort Of Big Party

Thu, 2018-08-16 13:17

NEW YORK—Calling the atmosphere on the sidewalk across the street “positively electric,” sources confirmed Thursday that the local methadone clinic must be having some sort of big party. “Man, it’s only 3 p.m. and there’s already a line around the block,” said Bruce Riley, 32, adding that the party must have been…

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Star Wars News Net Joins Hundreds Of Publications In Condemning Trump’s Attacks On The Press

Thu, 2018-08-16 13:09

NEW YORK—Heeding the call of the Boston Globe to come together in the defense of journalistic integrity, Star Wars News Net joined hundreds of publications Thursday in condemning President Donald Trump’s attacks on the press. “The president could not be more wrong when he calls the free press an enemy of the people,…

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Jason Momoa Reveals He Spent Months Becoming Useless Dumbass To Get Into Character For ‘Aquaman’

Thu, 2018-08-16 12:54

LOS ANGELES—Describing his character-oriented method acting process for the first time, Jason Momoa revealed Thursday how he prepared to play Aquaman by spending more than six months living as a useless dumbass. “It was, surprisingly, a lot of hard work being such an ineffective dipshit 24/7,” said Momoa, 39, adding…

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Allow Me To Demon ‘Strate

Thu, 2018-08-16 12:44
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Fantasy Novel Not Holding Back On Criticisms Of Dwarvish Culture

Thu, 2018-08-16 12:24

FORSYTH, IL—Characterizing the reclusive subterranean race of diminutive miners right off the bat as “possessed of a fiery demeanor most unpleasant” from its opening pages, fantasy novel The Mage’s Shadow was not holding back on its criticisms of dwarvish culture in the least, readers confirmed Thursday. “For a whole…

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NOAA Lowers Warnings For Atlantic Hurricane Season

Thu, 2018-08-16 11:22

Due to the burgeoning El Niño, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has forecasted a quieter-than-usual Atlantic hurricane season. What do you think?

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NASA Scientists Make Life-Changing Discovery But You Kind Of Had To Be There

Thu, 2018-08-16 11:17

WASHINGTON—Admitting that a second-hand retelling would not do their findings justice, NASA scientists confirmed Thursday that they had made a life-changing discovery, but you kind of had to be there. “These results revolutionize our very understanding of subatomic particles—man, I wish I could even explain, however,…

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5 Favorite Skinny TV Lady Who Love To EAT

Thu, 2018-08-16 10:20

They do pizza, they do french fries, they do movies! Here are five favorite skinny TV lady who love to EAT!

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North, South Korea Agree To Summit In Pyongyang

Wed, 2018-08-15 15:54

The leaders of North and South Korea have agreed to a summit in Pyongyang this September, the third such meeting this year. What do you think?

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Chris Columbus Admits There Are Hours Of ‘Home Alone 2’ Outtakes Featuring Trump Saying Racial Slurs

Wed, 2018-08-15 14:28

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Recounting the unexpected difficulties the future president’s brief cameo brought to his film shoot, Home Alone 2: Lost In New York director Chris Columbus admitted Wednesday that he has hours of outtakes featuring Donald Trump uttering racial slurs. “We thought it would be a fun little 30-second…

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Report: Statistically Speaking There’s Decent Chance Pope Francis Molested Someone

Wed, 2018-08-15 13:48

VATICAN CITY—An internal Catholic church report on the frequency of institutionalized sexual abuse of minors by authority figures revealed Wednesday that there is a high probability that Pope Francis has, in fact, molested at least one child. “Given what we are learning about the proportion of priests who have engaged…

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Senate Republicans Promise There Will Be Plenty Of Time To Review Kavanaugh Writings When They Become Law Of Land

Wed, 2018-08-15 13:33

WASHINGTON—Denying that any attempt had been made to withhold information relevant to the Supreme Court confirmation process, Senate Republicans promised Wednesday there would be plenty of time to review Brett Kavanaugh’s writings once they had become the law of the land. “We’ll have an opportunity to thoroughly vet…

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Biblical Scholars Find Evidence Church Covered Up For 3 Wise Men Who Molested Baby Jesus

Wed, 2018-08-15 12:33

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Shedding further light on a long history of attempts to protect itself from accusations of criminal activity, biblical scholars at Harvard Divinity School reported Wednesday they have found evidence that the early Catholic church covered up for three wise men who molested baby Jesus. “After deciphering…

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Man Guessing He’s Stared At Giant Sequoia Long Enough To Appreciate It

Wed, 2018-08-15 12:22

RED FIR, CA—Spending what seemed like the correct amount of time soaking in the beauty of the massive tree, local man Matt Tedesco assumed Wednesday that he probably stared at a giant sequoia long enough to appreciate it. “I mean, it’s definitely really big, and I went and stood under it, so I think I get how majestic…

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Study Finds That All The Worst People Will Outlive You

Wed, 2018-08-15 12:19

ATLANTA—Confirming your long-held suspicions with a 15-year observational study on the effects of behavior on human aging, researchers from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revealed Wednesday that all of the world’s absolute worst people would almost certainly outlive you. “We can now conclusively say…

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