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Parasitic Space Worm Controlling Mark Kelly’s Body Announces Arizona Senate Bid

Tue, 2019-02-12 13:51

TUCSON, AZ—As it spoke through the astronaut’s mouth, vowing to bring a new perspective to Washington, sources confirmed Tuesday that the parasitic space worm controlling Mark Kelly’s body had announced its bid for the United States Senate. “I am pleased to announce that, yes, I am running for your Congress, where I…

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Ultrasound Technician Asks Pregnant Woman If She’d Like To Know Baby’s Name

Tue, 2019-02-12 12:38

ATLANTA—Saying it was standard for any expecting mother’s 20-week checkup, ultrasound technician Jean Krebacher asked one of her pregnant patients Tuesday if she would like to know the name of her unborn child. “This is the moment of truth—I can tell you the first name now, or you can wait to find out until delivery,”…

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Vaccinations Soar By 500% In Measles Outbreak County

Tue, 2019-02-12 12:23

Clark County, the region of Washington troubled by an outbreak of 50 cases of measles, has seen vaccination rates surge by 500 percent in the past month as parents scramble to ensure their children are not infected. What do you think?

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Character Witness Told He Doesn’t Have What It Takes To Be Star Witness

Tue, 2019-02-12 12:01

BRIDGEPORT, CT—Saying he’d definitely need a lot more of a “hook” to captivate a courtroom, local attorney Ari Berkley reportedly told her character witness Tuesday that he just doesn’t have what it takes to be a star witness. “Look—you’ve got great delivery, and you’re clearly passionate about the case, but I’m not…

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Heart On

Tue, 2019-02-12 10:30
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Amazon Reconsidering New York HQ After Backlash

Mon, 2019-02-11 18:23

Following blowback from politicians and residents of New York City, tech giant Amazon is reportedly considering not placing its second headquarters in Long Island City. What do you think?

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Amy Klobuchar Pledges To Fight Everyday Americans

Mon, 2019-02-11 17:11

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Vowing to relentlessly battle and never back down, Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) pledged this week in her campaign kickoff that she would never stop fighting everyday Americans. “I will stand up to the common man—with my fists,” said Klobuchar, asserting that she would take on all Americans—rich, poor,…

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LeBron And Lakers Hoping Horrible Series Of Failed Betrayals Brings Them Closer As Team

Mon, 2019-02-11 16:23

LOS ANGELES—Responding to a tumultuous trade deadline that saw most of the roster floated for potential deals, LeBron James and his Lakers teammates confirmed Monday that they were hoping this horrible series of failed betrayals would bring them closer as a team. “I’m really trying to stay positive, and I think the…

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Lazy Poor Person Has Never Earned Passive Income From Stock Dividends A Day In His Life

Mon, 2019-02-11 16:21

MUNCIE, IN—Shaking their heads in disgust at the irresponsible man’s laziness and lack of initiative, sources disclosed to reporters Monday that impoverished 53-year-old Luke Reilly has never earned passive income from stock dividends a day in his life. “It’s an absolute disgrace that there are people in this country…

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Pentagon Allocates $600,000 For Actual Gun Used In ‘Scarface’

Mon, 2019-02-11 12:22

WASHINGTON—In a military acquisition officials are calling “so fucking badass,” the Pentagon announced Monday that they have allocated the $600,000 necessary to purchase the actual gun used by Al Pacino in the iconic 1983 film Scarface. “It may seem at first to be a disproportionate expenditure, but this gun is the…

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Survey Finds Many Gamers Never Finished ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’

Mon, 2019-02-11 12:02

A new survey found that the average player only completed 22 percent of the lengthy main storyline of Red Dead Redemption 2, suggesting that many video gamers are unable to find the time or motivation to finish such long campaigns. What do you think?

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Family Unsure Why Grandmother’s Caregiver Seems Like He Actually Enjoys Spending Time With Her

Mon, 2019-02-11 11:55

SUN CITY, AZ—Noticeably confused when his face lit up at the mere mention of her name, the Snyder family admitted Monday to being unsure as to exactly why Paul Swensen, the eldercare nurse employed as the caregiver to their grandmother Ruth, genuinely seems to enjoy spending time with her. “He talks and jokes with…

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‘Fly, My Pretties,’ Says Jeff Bezos Releasing Swarm Of Amazon Drones To Hunt Down Nude Photos

Fri, 2019-02-08 15:44

MEDINA, WA—Standing on the roof of his towering estate as the tiny machines buzzed all around him, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly set loose hundreds of Prime Air drones Friday to hunt down and retrieve the nude photos of him obtained by the National Enquirer. “Take your army and bring them back to me!” cackled…

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Study: Vaping Better Aid To Quit Smoking Than Gum Or Patches

Fri, 2019-02-08 15:21

A major new study found that e-cigarettes are twice as effective as gum or patches in helping users quit smoking, with 18 percent of vapers being able to quit over a one-year period. What do you think?

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