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Ukraine Admits Country’s Been In Shambles Since Hunter Biden Left
KYIV, UKRAINE—Gazing wistfully at an old framed photo of the 53-year-old American, Ukrainian officials admitted Tuesday that the country had been in shambles ever since Hunter Biden left. “We don’t want your Abrams tanks or your Javelin missiles or your billions of dollars in aid—we just want Hunter back,” said…
Could You Process A Claim At A Health Insurance Company?
Insurance company professionals are highly trained in prioritizing profits and fucking over customers. Could you process a claim at a health insurer?
Jimmy Carter Embarks On Quest To Eat At Every Taco Bell In America
NORCROSS, GA—Stressing that it was his life’s goal to visit every U.S. location of what he referred to as “the best damn fast food dining franchise in the country,” former President Jimmy Carter told reporters Tuesday that he had embarked on a quest to eat at every Taco Bell in America. “There are over 7,000 Taco…
CEO Outlines Challenges Company Facing Due To Own Insatiable Greed
RALEIGH, NC—Holding an all-hands meeting Tuesday morning to discuss first-quarter performance and set expectations for the rest of the year, local CEO Randall Schmidt reportedly outlined the challenges the company was facing due to his own insatiable greed. “These are tough times, given the economic realities of my…
Another Star Falls From American Flag Following Well-Attended Drag Queen Brunch
AMERICA, FORMER LAND OF THE FREE AND EX-HOME OF THE BRAVE—A hush reportedly spread across the country Tuesday as another star fell from the American flag following a well-attended drag queen brunch. “So for our special today, we have a salmon Benedict, and as always, we have our signature bottomless mimosas,” a server…
Spirit Airlines Begins Offering $45 Directions To Nearest Greyhound Bus Station
MIRAMAR, FL—Adding another option to its budget-friendly travel offerings, Spirit Airlines began providing a new service this week that allows passengers to purchase directions to the nearest bus station for $45. “In keeping with the ultra-low costs our customers have come to expect, Spirit now makes it affordable to…
Man Never Knows Right Time In Job Interview To Go In For Kiss
GREENWOOD, IN—Noting that his decision would likely set the tone for the entire meeting, local man Andy Franklin told reporters Tuesday that he never knew the right moment in a job interview to go in for a kiss. “I hate to say it, but when you meet your interviewer for the first time, that first kiss is such a…
‘Succession’ Ends With Roy Family Saving Christmas
NEW YORK—With the beloved characters joyously sharing the warmth of Yuletide cheer as snow fell gently upon Manhattan, HBO’s hit drama Succession concluded Sunday with the Roy family saving Christmas. “After years of sibling squabbles over who would take the throne at Waystar Royco, the hit series has elegantly stuck…
White Conservative Parents Sit Children Down For Tough Conversation About Seeing Black Character In Movie
NORFOLK, VA—Gathering their children for what they described as a difficult but important discussion that every family like theirs must have, local white conservative parents Brian and Marie Fortner sat their son and daughter down for a tough conversation about seeing a Black character in a movie. “One day you might…
Conservatives Reveal Why They’re So Triggered By Pride Merchandise
After threatening boycotts of companies and violence against retail workers, conservatives explain why they’re so triggered by products celebrating Pride Month.
Marjorie Taylor Greene Bids $100,000 For Kevin McCarthy’s Used Chapstick
Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R) bid $100,000 to win a tube of cherry Chapstick used by Speaker Kevin McCarthy at a short GOP fundraising auction held during a break from debt ceiling negotiations. What do you think?
Family Has Rule Where They Don’t Eat Cell Phones At Dinner
CORVALLIS, OR—After insisting that her husband and children put away their devices while they were at the table, local mom Lana Pickens explained to reporters Monday that her family had a rule about never eating cell phones at dinner. “This is the one time of day when we’re all able to be together, so it’s important…
Dad’s Entire Parenting Strategy Just Ensuring Son Doesn’t Become Yankees Fan
NEW CANAAN, CT—Sources familiar with the man’s role in his child’s life confirmed to reporters Monday that local dad Marcus Weir’s parenting strategy is solely focused on ensuring his son doesn’t become a New York Yankees fan. Beginning shortly after his son Miles’ birth nine years ago, Weir reportedly concentrated…
Nation’s Dive Bar Couples Announce Plan To Sloppily Make Out After Screaming Match
MOBILE, AL—Stumbling around and shouting to anyone who was willing to listen, the nation’s visibly intoxicated dive bar couples held a press conference Monday to announce their plan to sloppily make out with each other after engaging in a screaming match. “We are here today to fucking let all y’all fucking know that…
Ron DeSantis Launches U.S. Presidential Bid In Glitch-Filled Twitter Broadcast
Ron DeSantis launched his 2024 presidential campaign in an online Twitter Spaces event with Elon Musk that was marred by 25 minutes of technical glitches where the audio stream crashed repeatedly, making it impossible for most users to hear the new presidential candidate in real time. What do you think?
Man At Beach Worried Wife Hasn’t Surfaced For Air Because She Cheating On Him
PORT ARANSAS, TX—Suspecting the worst, local man Daniel Koleva reportedly spent several panicked moments during his beach trip Friday worried that his wife, Bethany Koleva, hadn’t surfaced for air yet because she was cheating on him. “There’s no reason for her to be down there that long unless she’s seeing someone…