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New Law Requires Sex Offenders To Inform Residents Before Moving Into Their Homes

Wed, 2018-04-18 10:22

SPRINGFIELD, IL—In a move designed to keep citizens aware of any potentially dangerous individuals sharing their address, the Illinois General Assembly passed a new law Wednesday requiring sex offenders to inform residents that they will be moving in with them. “Going forward, all registered sex offenders will be…

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Immersive Gaming FTW: Nintendo Has Released A Chair That Will Launch You Through Your TV If You Crash In ‘Mario Kart’

Wed, 2018-04-18 10:20

All right, Nintendo Switch fans, pause your games, because you’re definitely going to want to hear this: Nintendo has just released a chair that will launch you through your TV set if you crash in Mario Kart.

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Kendrick Lamar Wins Historic Pulitzer Prize For ‘DAMN.’

Wed, 2018-04-18 10:12

In the first such award bestowed on a work outside of jazz and classical music, the Pulitzer Prize in Music was given to Kendrick Lamar’s album DAMN., which the board called a “virtuosic song collection unified by its vernacular authenticity.” What do you think?

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Alex Jones Pleads With Sandy Hook Parents To Imagine Pain An Expensive Lawsuit Would Cause Him

Tue, 2018-04-17 17:55

AUSTIN, TX—In response to multiple families suing him for defamation over his claims that the 2012 shooting was a hoax, InfoWars host Alex Jones plead with Sandy Hook parents Tuesday to imagine the enormous pain that such an expensive lawsuit would cause him. “Please, I’m begging you—have a heart and think about the…

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Comey Says Trump ‘Morally Unfit’ To Be President As Clash Escalates

Tue, 2018-04-17 16:12

In the latest barrage between the former FBI director and the White House, James Comey told ABC News that Trump was “morally unfit” to be president while Trump countered on Twitter that Comey had “committed many crimes.” What do you think?

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Hannity Claims Relationship With Cohen Never Went Past Payment For Legal Advice, Defense Strategy In Criminal Cases

Tue, 2018-04-17 15:37

NEW YORK—Saying that any past interactions he’d had with the attorney were completely informal, Fox News television host Sean Hannity told reporters Tuesday that his relationship with Michael Cohen never went beyond paying him for legal advice and discussing criminal defense strategies. “Mr. Cohen is no more than an…

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Controversial Theory Suggests Aliens May Have Built Ancient Egypt’s Intergalactic Spaceport

Tue, 2018-04-17 15:12

CAIRO—Claiming that one of the world’s most famous and iconic historic structures couldn’t have been constructed using the resources available at the time, proponents of a controversial new theory suggested this week that aliens may have built Egypt’s ancient intergalactic spaceport. “Archaeologists say the Great…

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Step Right Up And Feast Your Eyes On The Unfathomable Comey, The Man Who Is Both Good And Bad! The Beautiful Monster Who Makes Resisters’ Minds Spin! Betrayer Of Hillary! Enemy Of Trump! Behold This Freak Of Nature!

Tue, 2018-04-17 14:06

Ladies and gentleman of the #Resistance, what you are about to witness is a sight so strange, so confounding to the mind, so utterly freakish, that we urge all those faint of heart to look away from this ghastly exhibition at once. Behold! It is Comey! The FBI Man who is both Good and Bad!

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Man Fears He May Never Trust Again After Treasured Picture Of Duck Turns Out To Be Rabbit 

Tue, 2018-04-17 13:46

NAMPA, ID—Overcome by a sense of shame and betrayal upon realizing his life has been based on a lie, Allen Shearer told reporters Tuesday that he might never trust again upon realizing that his treasured line drawing of a duck has actually been a rabbit all along. “My duck! No! What happened? How could I not see? How…

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‘All The Paper Sales On The Office Were Real And I’d Be Homeless Without The Commissions I Got From Those’: 5 Questions With John Krasinski

Tue, 2018-04-17 11:23

Though he’ll probably always be most fondly remembered for his role as Jim Halpert on The Office, John Krasinski has recently proven that he’s as comfortable behind the camera as he is shrugging into it. His latest film, A Quiet Place, has been a surprise smash hit, and earned Krasinski some well-deserved credibility…

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Biggest Revelations From James Comey’s New Book

Tue, 2018-04-17 11:19

A new book by former FBI director James Comey, A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies, And Leadership, promises to offer an inside look at his time in federal law enforcement, as well as his controversial role in the 2016 presidential election. Here are the biggest revelations from Comey’s autobiography.

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Michael Jordan Attacks Softness, Lack Of Competitiveness In Modern Blackjack Players

Tue, 2018-04-17 11:01

LAS VEGAS—Guaranteeing they couldn’t “hack it” back in the ’80s and ’90s, former NBA star Michael Jordan spoke out Tuesday blasting the weakness and lack of drive in modern blackjack players. “These soft and coddled blackjack players today, who come into the Bellagio and stand on a jack and a five, they could never…

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Researchers Find New Malware Designed To Make ATMs Spit Out Cash

Tue, 2018-04-17 10:37

Researchers have found new malware that causes ATMs to spit out cash at speeds of $2,500 per minute in a phenomenon known as “jackpotting”—although they stress that it has likely not yet been used in the field. What do you think?

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New Evidence Suggests First Gallows Created As Early Attempt At Autoerotic Asphyxiation

Tue, 2018-04-17 10:35

BALTIMORE—In an announcement that sheds new light on the history of an apparatus traditionally regarded as execution equipment, researchers at Johns Hopkins University presented new evidence Tuesday suggesting the first gallows were created as an early aid to autoerotic asphyxiation. “Our findings indicate that the…

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