The Onion

Syndicate content
America’s Finest News Source
Updated: 17 hours 50 min ago

Facebook Collapses Following Relentless Rise Of Onion Social

Wed, 2018-06-20 13:18

Once-popular social media website Facebook has collapsed amidst the unstoppable rise of digital titan Onion Social. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Onion Social Offers Free Medium T-Shirt To Anyone Who Has Been A Victim Of Stalking On Their Site

Wed, 2018-06-20 12:49

PALO ALTO, CA—In an effort to address numerous claims of compromised privacy, Onion Social announced plans Wednesday to offer a free medium T-shirt to anyone who has been a victim of stalking on the website. “The welfare of our users remains Onion Social’s top priority, and we hope those who have felt unsafe on our…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Best In-Tent Shuns

Wed, 2018-06-20 12:01
Categories: The Onion

Onion Social Denies Rising Global Temperatures Linked To 50,000 Coal Plants Running Round The Clock To Power Site

Wed, 2018-06-20 11:38

PALO ALTO, CA—Asserting that critics could not show a connection between recent global climate change and the 185 billion tons of CO2 their facilities pumped into the atmosphere each day, Onion Social denied that the massive worldwide increase in temperatures since Monday was linked to the 50,000 coal-fired plants…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Onion Social CEO Addresses User Privacy Concerns By Adding New ‘Are You Sure?’ Prompt To Doxing Feature

Wed, 2018-06-20 11:16

PALO ALTO, CA—Stressing that all Onion Social users should feel comfortable navigating the site’s revolutionary components, CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum announced on Wednesday plans to address users’ privacy concerns with the addition of a new “Are You Sure?” prompt to Onion Social’s doxing feature. “We firmly believe that…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Experts Confirm Rainforest Ecosystem Destroyed To Make Room For Onion Social Server Farm Wasn’t That Impressive To Begin With

Wed, 2018-06-20 11:01

BERKELEY, CA—Noting the countless shortcomings of the underwhelming biome, ecology experts confirmed Wednesday that the rainforest ecosystem recently destroyed to create room for an Onion Social server farm wasn’t all that impressive to begin with. “After a careful review of the evidence, we can confidently conclude…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

An Open Invitation From Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum

Wed, 2018-06-20 10:53

Interested in joining the social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Exonerated: This Convicted Murderer Was Released From Prison After 20 Years When An Online Quiz Sorted Him Into Gryffindor

Wed, 2018-06-20 10:15

When Walter Anderson was convicted of murdering a convenience store clerk two decades ago, it seemed like he would be in prison for the rest of his life. However, an incredible nonprofit pressured the courts to revisit Walter’s case, and thanks to new forensic tools, he received some incredible news: After spending 20…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Onion Social Continues To Dominate

Wed, 2018-06-20 09:52

Thanks to its groundbreaking tech, enthusiastic user base, and considerable revenue stream, Onion Social continues to dominate. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Study Suggests Onion Social Notifications 300 Times More Satisfying To Receive Than Facebook Notifications

Tue, 2018-06-19 17:33

EUGENE, OR—Explaining that the alerts induce an unparalleled sense of euphoric bliss, a new study conducted by the University of Oregon Department of Psychology found that Onion Social notifications are 300 times more satisfying to receive than notifications from Facebook. “Using sophisticated neuroimaging techniques,…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Ovechkin Hopes To Inspire Other Athletes To Power Through Month-Long Bender

Tue, 2018-06-19 17:25

WASHINGTON—Saying the drunken exploits he managed to pull off following his first Stanley Cup victory could serve as encouragement to others, Alexander Ovechkin told reporters Tuesday he hopes to inspire athletes to successfully power through their own month-long binge-drinking sprees. “Hopefully, I can help motivate…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Onion Social Becomes First Company To Reach Top Of Fortune 500 In Less Than 72 Hours

Tue, 2018-06-19 16:30

Onion Social has shot to the top of the Fortune 500 list with a $22.7 trillion market value, roughly five-fourths of U.S. GDP. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Tucker Carlson Angrily Explains Difference Between Good Baby And Bad Baby

Tue, 2018-06-19 15:27

NEW YORK—Shouting directly at the camera while a graphic of two infants appeared on the screen behind him, Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson used the opening segment of his show Tuesday to angrily explain the difference between a good baby and a bad baby. “Idiot liberals will tell you that there’s only one type of baby,…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

MS-13 Gang Leader Getting Some Pretty Great Ideas From Watching ICE Work

Tue, 2018-06-19 15:14

SAN SALVADOR, EL SALVADOR—Praising U.S. law enforcement officials for the unfettered cruelty they have unleashed along the Mexican border, MS-13 gang leader Edwin Manica Flores admitted Tuesday that observing ICE’s work in recent weeks has provided him with quite a bit of inspiration. “Seriously, we would have never…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Stephen Miller Furious At ProPublica For Only Releasing 7-Minute Recording Of Immigrant Children Sobbing

Tue, 2018-06-19 14:13

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the publication of such a brief, tantalizing bit of audio was a breach of their journalistic responsibility, a furious Stephen Miller told reporters Tuesday that he was outraged at ProPublica for only releasing seven minutes of immigrant children sobbing. “It’s unacceptable that this so-called…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Encouraging Report Shows 45% Of Onion Social Users Survive Beta Testing

Tue, 2018-06-19 13:45

PALO ALTO, CA—In a stunning accomplishment that far exceeded the company’s wildest hopes, Onion Social released a report Tuesday revealing that 45 percent of users had survived beta testing. “We easily expected an 80-90 percent mortality rate, so we couldn’t be more thrilled that nearly half of all testers will be…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Cops Bust Filthy, Unshaven Mark Zuckerberg For Selling Personal Data On Street Corner

Tue, 2018-06-19 13:28

SAN FRANCISCO—Placing the Facebook founder under arrest after he briefly attempted to flee, San Francisco police busted a filthy, unshaven Mark Zuckerberg in the early hours of the morning Tuesday for trying to sell his personal data on a street corner. “Here, if anyone wants my browsing data, my search history, my…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Getting Started With Onion Social

Tue, 2018-06-19 12:03

Interested in joining the social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion