The Onion

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Updated: 19 hours 25 min ago

K-Pop Group BTS Excited For First American Tour Since 1963 Appearance On ‘Ed Sullivan’

Thu, 2019-05-02 15:18

NEW YORK—Reflecting fondly on the television appearance that launched the K-pop group into superstardom, members of BTS told reporters Thursday that they were excited to be back in America for the first time since their 1963 performance on The Ed Sullivan Show. “Nothing will compare to the thrill of hearing Mr.…

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Taylor Swift Accused Of Ripping Off Beyoncé By Giving Birth To Twins As Part Of Billboard Music Awards Performance

Thu, 2019-05-02 14:26

LAS VEGAS—Saying the pop superstar’s opener felt strikingly familiar, music fans accused Taylor Swift of ripping off Beyoncé Wednesday when she gave birth to twins during her performance at the Billboard Music Awards. “Sure, Beyoncé doesn’t own the copyright on pregnancy, but to the millions who watched last night as…

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William Barr Shows Up To Congress To Testify At 3 A.M. After Reading Email Wrong

Thu, 2019-05-02 13:50

WASHINGTON—Slowly realizing that he had made a big mistake, Attorney General William Barr reportedly showed up to Congress to testify at 3 a.m. Thursday after reading an email wrong. “Oh man, I really screwed the pooch,” said the attorney general, who opened a briefcase full of evidence and prepared to fully cooperate…

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NHL Fans Claim Hockey Way More Fun If You There In Person, On Ice Playing Game

Thu, 2019-05-02 12:12

BOSTON—Ardently defending their steadfast loyalty to the sport, NHL fans around the nation gathered Thursday to claim that hockey was way more fun if you’re there in person, on the ice, and actively playing in the game. “Sure, when you watch on TV, the puck looks kind of small and the game is hard to follow, but when…

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Tim Schafer Gives OGN An Exclusive Preview Of Psychonauts 2’s Legal Disclaimer Screen

Thu, 2019-05-02 11:58

Few games have left behind legacy that’s as long-lasting as Psychonauts, Double Fine’s 2005 literal mind-trip of a platformer. So we were incredibly excited when gaming legend Tim Schafer arrived at our offices to give us an exclusive sneak peek at the Psychonauts 2 legal screen. But it wasn’t until he booted up that…

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Trump Dismisses Concerns Over White House Chaos After Pack Of Feral Dogs Takes Over 4th West Wing Room

Thu, 2019-05-02 11:39

WASHINGTON—Insisting that his administration was nothing less than “a well-oiled machine,” President Donald Trump dismissed continued concerns over chaos in the White House Friday after a pack of feral dogs claimed a fourth West Wing room as their territory. “Honestly, this was not a room that we needed anymore—there…

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Thank God We Didn’t Have Written Language Back When I Was A Teenager

Thu, 2019-05-02 11:19

I tell ya, times sure have changed since I was a boy. Nowadays in our fast-paced Copper Age civilization, people are weaving new textiles, smelting new metals, and finding all kinds of new, exciting ways to make pots. They’re also using new symbolic inscriptions to communicate with each other, and it’s this technology…

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Trump And Democrats Agree On $2 Trillion Infrastructure Deal

Thu, 2019-05-02 10:49

Congressional Democrats indicated they had come to an informal agreement with President Trump to update the nation’s bridges, roads, trains, and broadband, although how such a deal will be paid for has yet to be negotiated. What do you think?

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Coup Underway In Venezuela

Wed, 2019-05-01 19:07

A day of street protests and skirmishes is underway after Venezuelan opposition leader and National Assembly leader Juan Guaidó announced an uprising in the country’s capital. What do you think? 

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How To Use Less Plastic

Wed, 2019-05-01 14:00
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God Decides Against Killing Self After Angel Shows Him What Life Would Be Like If He Never Existed

Wed, 2019-05-01 12:46

THE HEAVENS—Following hours of staring into the darkness of the void and wondering if there was a point to anything at all, God, the Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, ultimately decided against suicide Wednesday when an angel showed Him what life would be like if He had never existed. “Sometimes, you lose…

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RockStar Games Begins Imprisoning Programmers For ‘Red Dead Redemption 3’

Wed, 2019-05-01 11:50

Good news for fans of RockStar’s blockbuster western franchise! The studio announced this week that it had already started imprisoning programmers to kickstart the development of Red Dead Redemption 3.

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Spotify Reaches 100 Million Paying Subscribers

Wed, 2019-05-01 10:44

Streaming service Spotify announced that it had reached 100 million paying subscribers in a landmark for the music streaming service. What do you think?

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Realtor Emphasizing Neighborhood’s Proximity To Much Nicer Neighborhood

Wed, 2019-05-01 08:15

CHICAGO—Expending an inordinate proportion of her resources to detail the bustling shops, quaint cafes, and highly rated schools located merely a mile or two away, realtor Susan Horne reportedly spent most of her showing with local couple Tim and Holly Penn Wednesday emphasizing how close their prospective new town…

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‘SpongeBob SquarePants’ Turns 20

Wed, 2019-05-01 08:00

Debuting May 1, 1999, SpongeBob SquarePants is an animated series about a sentient sponge that grew into a media empire. The Onion looks back at the beloved cartoon show on its 20th anniversary.

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Experts Praise Upcoming ‘Sonic’ Movie For Accurate Depiction Of Hedgehogs

Tue, 2019-04-30 16:13

CHAMPAIGN, IL—Animal experts praised the upcoming animated film Sonic: The Hedgehog Tuesday for its accurate depiction of hedgehogs, noting that most media representations leave out the creature’s tendency to roll up into a fast-moving blue ball to attack enemy combatants. “Most of the hedgehogs we see in film and TV…

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