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Rikers Inmates Punished After Guards Catch Them Trying To Make Bootleg Coronavirus Vaccine

Wed, 2020-04-01 10:26

NEW YORK—On the heels of a report that New York’s jails have an infection rate eight times higher than that of the city at large, sources confirmed Wednesday that officers on Rikers Island have punished numerous inmates for attempting to produce bootleg coronavirus vaccines. “We recently sent multiple convicts to…

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It Instantly Clear Girlfriend Used To Fuck Guy Being Mentioned In Anecdote

Wed, 2020-04-01 10:23

HAVERFORD, PA—Noticing a marked mid-anecdote shift in tone as well as several meaningfully deliberate pauses, local boyfriend Anton Bridgewater instantly concluded Wednesday that his girlfriend, Leya Ferguson, used to fuck the guy she mentioned while recounting a weekend trip to The Berkshires. “She keeps bringing up…

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Van Gogh Painting Stolen On Painter’s 167th Birthday

Tue, 2020-03-31 18:44

An early Van Gogh piece, titled The Parsonage Garden At Nuenen In Spring, was the only painting stolen from a Dutch museum during an overnight burglary on March 30th, which coincidentally would have been the artist’s 167th birthday. What do you think?

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12 Xtreme Slides Just For Teens

Tue, 2020-03-31 17:28

Welcome to the No-Rules Zone! Sorry, Mom and Dad, you better head to bed. Things are going to start getting pretty extreme around here.

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CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY TWO: Porn Industry Leaders Announce Immediate Closures Of All Orifices

Tue, 2020-03-31 16:59

Hear how those in and around the rim of the adult film industry will be affected.

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Perseverance Rover Will Carry Essays, List Of Names To Mars

Tue, 2020-03-31 15:53

The Perseverance Rover will bring along a microchip etched with 10.9 million names and over 150 essays on its journey to the Red Planet when it launches this summer, all part of NASA’s “Send Your Name To Mars” campaign. What do you think?

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Parton Parcel

Tue, 2020-03-31 14:34
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Trump Tackles Medical Supply Shortage By Awarding ExxonMobil Contract To Drill For Ventilators In Arctic

Tue, 2020-03-31 13:23

WASHINGTON—Saying there was no way the coronavirus could win with such amazing corporations on their side, President Donald Trump kicked off his plan to tackle the medical supply shortage Tuesday by awarding ExxonMobil an exclusive contract to drill for ventilators in the arctic. “Today, the heroic crews at ExxonMobil…

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New York Quickly Builds Thousands Of Emergency Hamptons Mansions To Shelter Wealthy

Tue, 2020-03-31 11:42

EAST HAMPTON, NY—In an effort to rapidly meet the needs of those most affected by the coronavirus pandemic, New York officials announced Tuesday that they were quickly building thousands of emergency Hamptons mansions to shelter wealthy residents. “We allocated hundreds of million dollars in state funding and…

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How To Solve A Rubik’s Cube

Tue, 2020-03-31 11:32

Choose one face of the cube to start with. Remember, the color of the middle square represents the color of the entire side of the cube. So if the middle square is white, the entire face of the cube should eventually be white.

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Disney Announces Plans To Release ‘Mulan’ Directly Into Americans’ Consciousness

Tue, 2020-03-31 11:10

BURBANK, CA—As studios continue to delay the theatrical runs of major films due to the global Covid-19 pandemic, Walt Disney Pictures announced plans Tuesday to release the highly anticipated live-action remake of Mulan directly into the consciousness of every American. “In the interests of encouraging film viewers to…

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Tips For Getting Started On ‘Persona 5 Royal’

Tue, 2020-03-31 10:39

As one of the greatest JRPGs of this generation, Persona 5 was already a must-play for fans of the genre, an immersive odyssey through modern-day Tokyo that seamlessly blended elements of social simulation, dungeon crawling, and role-playing. And with its latest iteration, the game gets remastered and reimagined in…

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Employee Proves Diligence By Arriving To Video Conference Call Extra Hour Early Every Morning

Tue, 2020-03-31 10:18

PORTLAND, OR—Going out of his way to demonstrate his dedication to the company, McDaniel Software Group employee Gregory Dougenis proved his diligence by arriving at video conference calls an extra hour early every morning, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Man, the morning video call doesn’t start until 9, but Greg is on…

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Man Watching Space Force Rocket Launch Gazes In Awe At The Power Of Human Stupidity

Mon, 2020-03-30 17:21

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Struggling to put his powerful feelings into words, local man Luke Paulsen was reportedly gazing in awe of human stupidity Monday while watching a recorded broadcast of the U.S. Space Force rocket launch. “Wow, when mankind comes together, there are truly no limits to our wastefulness,” said…

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CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY ONE: Jesus Christ Cancels Return To Earth Amid Pandemic

Mon, 2020-03-30 16:35

OPR is sheltering in place and podcasting from home. But that won’t stop host Leslie Price from bringing you all the day’s top stories, including why the Son of God’s triumphant second coming may be suspended indefinitely.

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‘What Is This Strange Sensation,’ Announces Nation Putting On Shoes For First Time In A While

Mon, 2020-03-30 16:19

CHICAGO—With confusion descending upon the U.S. populace as it struggled to grasp what was happening to their bodies, a largely quarantined nation announced, “What is this strange sensation,” Monday after slipping on shoes for the first time in a while to step outside for some fresh air. “It’s such a weird feeling,…

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