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Updated: 11 hours 19 min ago

U.S. Won’t Rule Out Escalating Defense-Sector Profits From Syria Conflict

Mon, 2018-04-16 17:14

WASHINGTON—As the U.S. military awaited a potential response to its recent series of targeted airstrikes, sources reported Monday that the Trump administration would not rule out escalating defense-sector profits from the conflict in Syria. “If [Syrian president] Bashar al-Assad decides to retaliate, we won’t hesitate…

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Americans File Returns For Tax Day

Mon, 2018-04-16 16:30

Millions of Americans will file federal and state tax returns this week or face penalties from the government. Have you filed your taxes?

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Comey Suddenly Realizes Entire Book Just A Subconscious Defense Mechanism To Hide His True Feelings

Mon, 2018-04-16 15:15

WASHINGTON—Former FBI Director James Comey was reportedly shocked Monday after suddenly realizing that he wrote his forthcoming memoir, A Higher Loyalty, as a defense mechanism to subconsciously mask his true, romantic feelings for President Donald Trump. “Oh, my God, it just dawned on me, I’m head over heels in love…

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Ex-Boyfriend Hopes To Still Be Terrible, Incompatible Friends

Mon, 2018-04-16 14:55

DENVER, CO—Insisting the turmoil didn’t need to stop just because the relationship had ended, local man Alex Ware was reportedly hopeful Monday that he and his ex-girlfriend could still be terrible, incompatible friends. “I understand that we’re a bad match romantically, but after everything we’ve been through, I…

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Report: It Time To Give Up

Mon, 2018-04-16 12:37

WASHINGTON—Years of research regarding your progress thus far and the projected outcome of your continued efforts have culminated in the finding that it is in fact time for you to give up, experts on you concluded this week. “You made a decent run at it, but you’re kidding yourself if you think you’re ever really…

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Cool Glitch Effect On Movie Studio Logo Must Mean Shit About To Go Down

Mon, 2018-04-16 12:34

SALEM, VA—According to moviegoers currently bracing for the next 95 minutes, the cool glitch effect used on the Warner Bros. logo during the film’s intro sequence must mean that some serious shit is about to go down. “Oh, man, here we go. The normal picture got all distorted for a second, and the musical sting was…

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Woman Forced To Do Some Detective Work After Obituary For Dead Classmate Leaves Off Cause Of Death

Mon, 2018-04-16 10:27

MOLINE, IL—Mystified by the lack of detail and speculating on the possible reasons for the same, local woman Jennifer Wallach was forced to do some detective work Monday when the obituary for a recently deceased high school classmate omitted the cause of his death. “Why would they just leave out how he died like…

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Flower Freaking Out After Realizing There’s A Bee On It

Mon, 2018-04-16 10:25

CAMILLA, GA—Remaining perfectly motionless despite its mounting terror, Zinnia peruviana FL77542PM4 found itself on the verge of panic Monday after noticing a honeybee had landed on one of its petals. “Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck me. Okay, deep breaths. Maybe it just wants to rest for a second and then it’ll fly away,” said…

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Manager Of Combination Taco Bell/KFC Secretly Considers It Mostly A Taco Bell

Mon, 2018-04-16 10:22

MINNEAPOLIS—Despite making an effort to acknowledge that both institutions bring something special to the table, combination Taco Bell/KFC manager Frank Moroni, 38, told reporters yesterday that he considers his franchise to be mostly a Taco Bell. “Listen, I would never discuss this with the customers because I have…

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New ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Book ‘The Fall Of Gondolin’ To Be Released This Year

Mon, 2018-04-16 10:17

A posthumously published book in J.R.R. Tolkien’s fantasy series titled The Fall of Gondolin will be published this year. Depicting the elven city of Gondolin—and its sacking by the dark lord Morgoth—the book was assembled by the author’s son from notes and journals in his archives. What do you think?

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6 Reasons Brandon Gave For Why His Dad Isn’t Around That Are Definitely Bullshit

Mon, 2018-04-16 06:46

Brandon’s dad never comes to soccer games or school field trips and clearly doesn’t live with Brandon and his family, but Brandon is always making up totally dumbass excuses as to why. Here are six reasons Brandon gave for why his dad isn’t around that everyone can tell are grade-A bullshit.

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Gaming History Unearthed: Fans Have Located The Desert Mass Grave Where Atari Buried All Of Its Employees Responsible For The ‘E.T.’ Video Game

Mon, 2018-04-16 06:43

Looks like some online sleuths have uncovered a bit of gaming history a certain company would rather forget: Fans have located the desert mass grave where Atari buried all the employees responsible for the E.T. video game.

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Fleetwood Mac Fires Lindsey Buckingham

Fri, 2018-04-13 16:42

Fleetwood Mac has fired Lindsey Buckingham after a disagreement over the band’s upcoming tour, opting to replace the singer of “Go Your Own Way” with Mike Campbell of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and Neil Finn of Crowded House. What do you think?

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Astronomers Say Wednesday Night Will Be Best Chance For Americans To View ‘NOVΛ’

Fri, 2018-04-13 15:38

WASHINGTON—Hoping to raise public awareness about a rare deep-space broadcasting phenomenon, the American Astronomical Society published a press release Friday informing citizens that Wednesday night will be their best chance to view NOVΛ on PBS. “Our projections show that stargazers on the east coast will be able to…

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Cambridge Analytica Whistleblower Admits Last Few Weeks At Work Have Been Awkward

Fri, 2018-04-13 14:43

LONDON—Noting that his treatment from colleagues recently ranged from avoiding eye contact by some to the occasional incident of spitting directly into his face by others, Cambridge Analytica whistleblower Christopher Wylie admitted Friday that the last few weeks at work have been unusually awkward. “The vibe has…

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‘Holy Shit, The Government Owes Me 50 Million Dollars,’ Reports Man Incorrectly Filling Out His Taxes

Fri, 2018-04-13 13:59

CINCINNATI—Excited by the prospect of quitting his retail job and moving to his own South Pacific island, 28-year-old Ben Hughes learned Friday that he would be receiving $50 million in returns from the federal government after incorrectly filling out his taxes. “Wait, let me double-check this—yep, 50 million dollars,…

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Nation Confused After James Comey Dedicates Entire Memoir To In-Depth Retelling Of Martha Stewart Insider Trading Controversy

Fri, 2018-04-13 13:43

WASHINGTON—Expressing their bewilderment that the former FBI director had chosen to focus on the incident in such detail, the U.S. populace was reportedly confused Friday after learning that James Comey had dedicated the entirety of his upcoming memoir, A Higher Calling, to an in-depth retelling of the Martha Stewart…

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