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‘The Convergence Is At Hand,’ Announces Sears CEO As Employees Report To Company Headquarters In White Gowns

Thu, 2018-10-11 15:54

HOFFMAN ESTATES, IL—As the department store chain prepared to file for bankruptcy and close its retail locations, Sears CEO Eddie Lampert reportedly announced “The convergence is at hand” Thursday as all Sears employees, clad in white gowns, reported to company headquarters. “Brothers and sisters of Sears, I beseech…

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Hurricane Michael Makes Landfall In Most Dangerous Storm In Florida Panhandle History

Thu, 2018-10-11 15:46

Hurricane Michael, a Category 4 storm, has made landfall close to Panama City, FL in what experts are calling the most dangerous storm ever recorded in the area. What do you think?

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Salamanders Bravely Offer To Go Extinct In Place Of Better Animal

Thu, 2018-10-11 15:12

EARTH—Insisting that the planet’s resources could be put to far better use than toward their own paltry existence, the world’s salamander population reportedly gathered Thursday to bravely announce their willingness to go extinct in the place of a better animal. “We’ll do it. We’re small, slimy, and stupid, and we…

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Mom Still Raving About Butternut Squash Ravioli She Tried 13 Years Ago

Thu, 2018-10-11 14:55

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Calling the dish one of the tastiest she’s had in some time, 61-year-old mom Karyn Stockton continued to rave Thursday about the butternut squash ravioli she tried 13 years ago during a vacation to Boston. “Who would have thought to put squash into ravioli?” Stockton said of the pasta dish she consumed…

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Calm, Measured Trump Hard At Work After Freak Accident Leaves Him With Railroad Spike Lodged In Skull

Thu, 2018-10-11 13:06

WASHINGTON—Logging countless hours in the Oval Office between warmly greeting foreign diplomats, an unusually serene and well-spoken President Trump was hard at work Thursday, industriously shepherding environmental and civil rights bills through Congress just days after a freak accident left a railroad spike lodged…

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Report: Students Who Take Latin Have Better Chance Of Summoning Demon Later In Life

Thu, 2018-10-11 13:01

CHICAGO—Saying the classical language was a practical choice for anyone interested in awakening the dead, a new report released Thursday by the University of Chicago found that students who take Latin have a better chance of summoning a demon later in life. “According to our data, children who studied Latin in grade…

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Kim Jong-Un Wants Pope To Visit North Korea

Thu, 2018-10-11 12:32

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has extended an invitation to Pope Francis to visit Pyongyang with the hopes of highlighting peace efforts on the Korean Peninsula. What do you think?

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Obese Man Has Amazing Calves

Thu, 2018-10-11 11:02
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‘Try It Now,’ Shouts Gogo Internet Technician Standing On Plane Wing While Fixing In-Flight Wireless Connection

Thu, 2018-10-11 10:48

ATLANTA—Screaming as loudly as he could while army-crawling towards the “finicky” router, Gogo Internet technician Bart Corfield reportedly urged passengers to “try it now” Thursday while standing on the wing fixing their in-flight wireless connection. “I’m just going to turn it off and on real quick, and you guys…

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5 Things To Know About Rachel Maddow

Wed, 2018-10-10 17:54
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Nikki Haley Resigns As Trump’s U.N. Ambassador

Wed, 2018-10-10 16:59

United Nations Ambassador and former South Carolina governor Nikki Haley will leave her post at the end of the year, the latest departure from the volatile Trump administration. What do you think?

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U.S. Citizens: ‘We Love When Thing Taste Like Other Thing’

Wed, 2018-10-10 14:35

WASHINGTON—Calling the phenomenon “yummy yummy good,” the collective United States populace issued a statement Wednesday declaring that they “love when thing taste like other thing.” “We big like when chip taste like salsa! We lots like when pancake taste like cookie! When food taste like other food, can’t stop! Put…

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NFL Urges Pass Rushers To Try Reaching Peaceful Resolution With Quarterbacks Before Resorting To Tackling

Wed, 2018-10-10 13:58

NEW YORK—In an effort to find a more constructive way to cost the other team yardage, the NFL asked pass rushers on Wednesday to seek amicable resolutions with opposing quarterbacks before resorting to a tackle. “Instead of immediately stooping to a violent hit, defensive ends and linebackers should take an empathetic…

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U.S. Public Health Service Estimates They’ll Have Tuskegee Experiment Wrapped Up By 2020

Wed, 2018-10-10 13:55

WASHINGTON—Assuring critics that the study would provide valuable information on the spread of sexually transmitted infections in rural populations, the U.S. Public Health Service announced Wednesday that they estimate to have the Tuskegee Study of Untreated Syphilis in the Negro Male wrapped up by the year 2020.…

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Febreze Releases New Air Horn For Covering Up Unpleasant Bathroom Sounds

Wed, 2018-10-10 12:34

CINCINNATI, OH—Calling the device the perfect addition to any bathroom with loud acoustics or thin walls, Febreze officials announced Wednesday that the company had released a new air horn for covering up unpleasant bathroom sounds. “Pesky, embarrassing bodily functions are simply no match for Febreze’s new…

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Tips For Dealing With A Difficult Landlord

Wed, 2018-10-10 12:32

More Americans rent their home now than at any point in the past 50 years, and many tenants have to contend with landlords who make their lives miserable. The Onion offers tips for dealing with a difficult landlord.

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ExxonMobil CEO Depressed After Realizing Earth Could End Before They Finish Extracting All The Oil

Wed, 2018-10-10 12:30

IRVING, TX—In the wake of a report by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change that projected the planet had only a decade to prevent catastrophic global warming, ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods was reportedly feeling depressed Wednesday after realizing the Earth could end before they finished extracting all the oil.…

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Taylor Swift Breaks Silence On Politics To Support Democrats

Wed, 2018-10-10 12:07

Singer–songwriter Taylor Swift broke her long-held political silence to endorse two Democrats running in Tennessee and to urge her 100 million Instagram followers to vote in the midterms. What do you think?

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