The Onion

Syndicate content
America’s Finest News Source
Updated: 1 day 1 hour ago

Mueller Annoyed By Chipper, Overeager Adam Schiff Constantly Sending Him Evidence He’s Already Uncovered

Fri, 2019-02-08 14:51

WASHINGTON—Expressing frustration at the obnoxious, nonstop attempts to aid his investigation, special counsel Robert Mueller was reportedly annoyed Friday that a chipper, overeager Representative Adam Schiff (D-CA) keeps constantly sending him evidence he’s already uncovered. “Christ, he just emailed me a Washington

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Adam Silver Sends League-Wide Memo Just Asking Players Where The Fuck They Want To Play

Fri, 2019-02-08 13:45

NEW YORK—In response to a litany of high-profile trades and a general sense of dissatisfaction from many star players, NBA commissioner Adam Silver sent out a league-wide message Friday simply asking players “where the fuck [they] want to play basketball.” “Look, we’re just going to put all this bullshit to rest and…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Bryce Harper Asks If Phillies Willing To Move To Another City

Fri, 2019-02-08 12:17

PHILADELPHIA—Sending a strong signal that the move could swing his decision on where to sign, free agent outfielder Bryce Harper asked Friday whether the Philadelphia Phillies would be willing to relocate to another city. “I’m a big fan of coach [Gabe] Kapler and the roster he’s assembled, but I’d love to see the…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

2018 Fourth-Hottest Year On Record

Fri, 2019-02-08 12:01

Federal climate experts announced this week that 2018, a year in which the U.S. experienced $91 billion in direct losses from weather disasters, was the fourth-hottest year on record. What do you think? 

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Myth Vs. Fact: Wine

Fri, 2019-02-08 11:53

Millennials are responsible for nearly half of the overall U.S. consumption of wine, but even as its popularity soars, many misconceptions about wine persist, from purchasing strategies, to pairings, to health benefits. The Onion debunks some of the common myths about wine.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Couple Duetting ‘Suddenly Seymour’ At Karaoke Bar Probably Gonna Fuck Like Animals After This

Fri, 2019-02-08 11:50

CHICAGO—Observing how the pair had infused the entire establishment with a savage sexual energy, patrons of Belmont Karaoke Bar speculated Thursday that the couple performing a duet of “Suddenly Seymour” were probably going to fuck like animals immediately afterwards. “Oh, man, the chemistry between those two? No way…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘Hurry, There’s A Violent Black Woman Attacking My Daughter,’ Says Cindy McCain To Police While Watching ‘The View’

Thu, 2019-02-07 17:49

PHOENIX—Screaming in alarm the moment she turned on her television, Cindy McCain reportedly dialed 911 Thursday and informed police she had seen a violent black woman attacking her daughter on the daytime talk show The View. “Please help! There is a black woman yelling and gesturing at my daughter, and I don’t know…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Hawaii Could Increase Legal Age Of Smoking To 100

Thu, 2019-02-07 17:12

A new bill proposed by State Representative Richard Creagan (D) would increase the smoking age in Hawaii to 100, effectively banning smoking for most people in the state. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

How Hospitals Inflate Costs

Thu, 2019-02-07 15:49
Categories: The Onion

MIT Teaches Robot How To Play Jenga

Thu, 2019-02-07 15:23

Using machine learning algorithms, MIT researchers successfully taught a robot how to play the board game Jenga. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Homicide Detective Wishes He Could Go One Case Without Having To Solve Elaborate Riddle

Thu, 2019-02-07 13:36

NEW YORK—Methodically piecing together yet another trail of mocking clues left behind by an unhinged killer, NYPD homicide detective Kyle Cartwright acknowledged Thursday that just once he would like to work a case without having to solve an elaborate riddle. “I joined homicide to help people, not because I relish the…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Pedestrian Crossing Street Makes Sure To Look At Approaching Car So Driver Will Feel More Guilty If They Run Him Over

Thu, 2019-02-07 12:36

CHICAGO—Stepping off the curb and into the crosswalk, local man Adam Hartsell reportedly made sure to look up at the driver of an approaching vehicle Thursday to ensure they would feel extra guilty in the event they failed to stop and ran him over. “The goal of this split-second eye contact is to impress my image upon…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Exclusive TSA Pre-Check Allows Passengers To Fly Without Waiting For Airplane

Thu, 2019-02-07 12:27

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying the program will drastically cut wait times for those who qualify, the Transportation Security Administration on Thursday introduced an exclusive new pre-check membership that permits travelers who pass a background check and pay a fee to fly without waiting for an airplane. “For years, TSA…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Unbridled Gluttony: This Hedonistic Boy Read All The Weekly Fun Facts From His School Planner In A Single Class

Thu, 2019-02-07 11:03

In this age of overindulgence, one student at Hillsborough Middle School has taken excess to a shocking new level: This hedonistic boy read all the weekly fun facts from his school planner in a single class.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Trump Delivers State Of The Union

Wed, 2019-02-06 17:39

In an address that ranged from calls for increased border security to a pledge to end the HIV epidemic, President Trump delivered the State of the Union Tuesday night. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Ralph Northam Admits He Once Engaged In Pedophilia As Part Of Michael Jackson Costume

Wed, 2019-02-06 16:30

RICHMOND, VA—Apologizing profusely for his youthful indiscretions, embattled Virginia governor Ralph Northam admitted Wednesday that he once engaged in pedophilia as part of a Michael Jackson costume. “I think it’s important to put my actions into context—I was a huge Michael Jackson fan at the time and winning that…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion