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Updated: 17 hours 49 min ago

Report: Ants Having Some Kind Of Party Inside Crack In Pavement

Tue, 2018-06-19 11:04

SOUTH JORDAN, UT—Saying the bustling scene looked like a veritable “blowout” for the six-limbed insects, local sources confirmed Tuesday that a group of ants were having some kind of wild party inside a crack in the pavement. “Wow, those ants look like they must be having a total blast in there,” said Sam Pendleton, a…

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'B.J. Novak Comes To My House Every Morning At 5 A.M. Wearing A Big Chef’s Hat': 5 Questions With Mindy Kaling

Tue, 2018-06-19 11:00

Mindy Kaling’s career has only continued skyrocketing since she finished her stint writing for and co-starring in ‘The Office.’ From her eponymous TV show to roles in blockbusters like ‘A Wrinkle In Time’ and ‘Ocean’s 8' this year, Kaling’s career shows no sign of slowing down. We sat down with the writer, director,…

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Grave Miscalculation: This Woman’s Weekend-Long Trip With Her Friend Should Have Really Just Been A Lunch

Tue, 2018-06-19 10:50

Hindsight is always 20/20, which makes it pretty tough to watch a misjudgment as drastic as this one play out: This woman’s weekend-long trip with her friend should have really just been a lunch.

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Working-Class Silicon Valley Residents Beg Onion Social To Demolish Their Homes For New Headquarters

Tue, 2018-06-19 10:50

SANTA CLARA, CA—Saying it would be an honor to help the world-changing social media company in even a small way, working-class residents of Silicon Valley started a campaign Tuesday begging Onion Social to demolish their homes for its new corporate headquarters. “Please, this is the least we can do—we would gladly…

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Onion Social Inspires Wave Of Democratic Revolutions Around World

Tue, 2018-06-19 10:38

Owing to its innovative organizing and messaging abilities, flourishing social network Onion Social has inspired a wave of successful democratic uprisings in Sudan, North Korea, Syria, and dozens of other oppressed nations. What do you think?

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Netflix Defends ‘Queer Eye’ Episode Where The Fab Five Forced To Euthanize Completely Hopeless Slob

Mon, 2018-06-18 17:32

LOS GATOS, CA—Insisting that the controversial episode served as a stirring reminder of the importance of self-improvement, Netflix representative Tina Komal spoke in defense of a recent episode of ‘Queer Eye’ wherein the the Fab Five were forced to euthanize a contestant who was a completely hopeless slob. “We…

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Lionel Messi Pissed After Forgetting To Wear Fitbit During Last Game 

Mon, 2018-06-18 16:31

MOSCOW—Lamenting that his fitness goals would now be thrown off for the rest of the World Cup, Argentinian forward Lionel Messi was reportedly pissed off Saturday after forgetting to wear his Fitbit watch during a group stage match against Iceland. “Shit. Of course the one time I leave it in the locker room, I go out…

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Onion Social Becomes World’s Most Popular Social Media Site

Mon, 2018-06-18 15:32

Within hours of its launch, the newly unveiled website Onion Social skyrocketed into being the world’s most popular social media site, eclipsing potential rivals with over 8.3 billion unique users. What do you think?

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Jeff Sessions Argues Family Separations Only Happening Because Current Law Doesn’t Allow Him To Strangle Immigrants With Bare Hands

Mon, 2018-06-18 14:44

WASHINGTON—In response to criticism of the Justice Department’s “zero tolerance” policy stripping migrant children away from their parents and placing them in detention centers, Attorney General Jeff Sessions argued Monday that family separations are only happening because current law doesn’t allow him to strangle…

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Laura Bush Publishes Courageous Op-Ed Calling For Imprisonment Of Whoever Created ICE

Mon, 2018-06-18 14:18

WASHINGTON—Standing up to the government agency in a blistering essay published in the Washington Post, former First Lady Laura Bush wrote a courageous op-ed Monday calling for the imprisonment of whoever created ICE. “Separating children from their parents is an unconscionable moral tragedy, and everyone involved…

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Priscilla Chan Leaves Mark Zuckerberg For Onion Social CEO

Mon, 2018-06-18 13:37

PALO ALTO, CA—Claiming that she needed a real man who could actually love and fulfill her, Priscilla Chan announced Monday that she was leaving husband Mark Zuckerberg for Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum. “I finally woke up to the lie I’ve been living—Mark just isn’t enough for me. He can’t satisfy me intellectually…

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Onion Social CEO: ‘We’re Proud To Announce The First Genital Recognition Software’

Mon, 2018-06-18 12:27

PALO ALTO, CA—Touting the unparalleled precision and numerous uses of its new state-of-the-art security feature, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum held a press conference Monday to announce the very first-of-its-kind genital recognition software.

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Meet Jeremy, Founder And CEO Of Onion Social

Mon, 2018-06-18 12:04

Interested in joining a social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.

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I Am Leaving The Bloated Corpse Of Journalism Behind For This So-Called ‘Sociable-Media’ And Its Mountains Of Gold

Mon, 2018-06-18 11:44

As any half-aware simpleton will doubt-less tell you, the Fall of News has at long last come upon us. Indeed, for once, the cretins have the right of it; my bronze ear-horn, which once resonated day and night with the metallic shriek of The Onion’s implacable and limb-shearing steam presses, now strains to discern…

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Welcome To Onion Social, The Onion’s New Social Media Platform

Mon, 2018-06-18 11:41

Interested in joining the social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.

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Fuck Fuck Fuck: We Promised Waaay Too Much Integration To Pepperidge Farm In This Article About A Boy Dying Of Cancer Raising Money For Other Sick Children

Mon, 2018-06-18 10:25

Oh shit. Oh fuck. We did a bad thing. ClickHole made a big, lucrative sponsored content deal with Pepperidge Farm, but we got too greedy and we promised them a shitload of brand integration in this article about a boy who was dying of cancer and spent his last days raising money for other sick children. Please forgive…

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David Lynch To Release Hybrid Memoir–Biography Next Week

Sat, 2018-06-16 11:51

Next week, iconic artist and director David Lynch and co-author Kristine McKenna will release Room To Dream, a unique, 592-page memoir that combines hundreds of interviews with accounts from Lynch himself, often directly contradicting those interviews. What do you think?

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