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Police Department Celebrates Fourth Of July By Using Fireworks For Crowd Control

Sat, 2020-07-04 09:49

NEW YORK—In an effort to ease tensions with the public and restore their tarnished public image, the New York Police Department reportedly commemorated Independence Day this week by using fireworks for crowd control. “We’re hoping this festive display will help us all come together as a community to celebrate this…

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Sleep: Myth Vs. Fact

Fri, 2020-07-03 10:29

When it comes to how and why people sleep, there are many existing misconceptions that people regard as fact and that influence their behavior. The Onion clears up some common myths about sleep.

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‘Yeah, We Could Invite Friends Over And Call It A Supper Club!’ Says Couple Unknowingly Brainstorming End Of Own Relationship

Fri, 2020-07-03 10:23

TUCSON, AZ—Stressing that group dining could be a great way to bring together their disparate social groups and maybe even learn a few things about cooking, Arizona couple Brendon Tossier and Melissa Guilford spent Friday enthusiastically discussing plans to “invite friends over and call it a supper club” as they…

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So-Called Vegetarian Always Kills, Devours Chicken Whole Whenever She’s Drunk

Thu, 2020-07-02 08:11

DENVER—Expressing skepticism regarding Sarah Hastings’ holier-than-thou proclamations of support for animal rights and ethical eating, friends of the 23-year-old graduate student told reporters Thursday that the self-described “vegetarian,” in fact, kills and devours a chicken whole whenever she is drunk. “Sarah talks…

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Come On: Someone Just Spray-Painted ‘Gamers Rule’ On The Taj Mahal And, While We Generally Agree, It’s Pretty Messed Up To Deface A Cultural Landmark

Wed, 2020-07-01 09:51

Gamers, ever since our founding, we have prided ourselves on advancing the position that video games are great. We are not neutral on this subject, nor have we allowed ourselves to ever falter in letting the world know that games and the people who play them are awesome. Yet, a recent incident in Agra, India has…

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Friends Camping Out In Woods Just Happy To Escape The Daily Grind Of Federal Prison

Wed, 2020-07-01 09:49

CLEARVILLE, PA—Acknowledging that getting the chance to relax in nature was its own reward, a group of longtime friends camping out in the woods confirmed Wednesday that they were just happy to escape the daily grind of federal prison. “It sounds like the simplest thing in the world, but it’s unbelievably nice to sit…

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Teenage Boy Fears Girlfriend Will Pressure Him Into Showering Before He Ready

Wed, 2020-07-01 09:44

RALEIGH, NC—Admitting that basic hygiene was something for which he was simply both mentally and physically unprepared, 16-year-old Langston Garcia confessed Wednesday to fearing that his girlfriend would pressure him into showering. “I know we’ve been dating for a few months now, but just because she might want me to…

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Best Recipe Blogs

Tue, 2020-06-30 08:57

Blogs for recipes have exploded in popularity over the past several years, with everyone from professional chefs to self-trained cooks providing recipes, inspiration, and tips to the foodie community. The Onion takes a look at the best recipe blogs on the internet.

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God Sends Sympathy Card After Killing Man’s Wife

Tue, 2020-06-30 08:52

THE HEAVENS—In a kind gesture intended to address the man’s profound grief after his loss, God, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly sent a sympathy card Tuesday to 56-year-old Arizona resident Greg Harris after killing his wife. “Reaching out in this time of mourning to express My deepest condolences for you and…

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CEO Likes To Think Of Company As One Big Manson Family

Tue, 2020-06-30 08:49

NEW YORK—Expressing his affection for the close-knit community he’d helped foster, CEO Tony Vanders of regional communications Vandcorp Media told reporters Tuesday that he has always thought of his company as one big Manson family. “I know it’s something of a cliché, but I honestly consider my employees to be close,…

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Dixieland Banned

Tue, 2020-06-30 08:47
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New Environmentally Friendly Burial Involves Having Your Dead Body Eaten By Wealthy German Man With Taste For The Exotic

Mon, 2020-06-29 09:03

NEW YORK, NY—Explaining how the method generates no carbon emissions or pollution, Rhine Solutions, a new corpse disposal service, unveiled a new environmentally friendly form of burial Friday that involves having your dead body eaten by a wealthy German man who has a taste for the exotic. “Upon the customer’s death,…

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Economist Has Great Idea For Sitcom Where Keynesian And Friedmanite Have To Live Together

Mon, 2020-06-29 09:01

NEW HAVEN, CT—Revealing that he already had enough story arcs to fill a couple seasons of the show, economist John Stephens confirmed to sources Monday that he has a great idea for a sitcom where a Keynesian and a Friedmanite have to live together. “So get this: Doug and Jeff have totally opposite beliefs about…

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