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Updated: 12 hours 34 min ago

8 Photos Of You, The Reader

Mon, 2020-03-30 12:25

This is you.

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Amazon Announces Unlimited Time Off, Increased Health Benefits For All Warehouse Robots

Mon, 2020-03-30 11:20

SEATTLE—Saying that the move represented the least the company could do to help its millions of automated workers, Amazon announced Monday that they would be offering unlimited time off and increased health benefits for all warehouse robots. “Today, we’re announcing vastly expanded health coverage, so that none of our…

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Scientists Discover Earliest Common Ancestor To All Animal Life

Fri, 2020-03-27 17:27

Researchers at the University of California say a worm-like creature that lived on the ocean floor 555 million years ago is the earliest known bilaterian, an organism that has two symmetrical sides and a distinct front and back connected by a continuous gut. What do you think?

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Trump Announces Plan To Retrain Nation’s 3 Million Unemployed Americans As Human Ventilators

Fri, 2020-03-27 16:44

WASHINGTON—Taking drastic action to address the country’s critical medical supply shortages as well as rising jobless claims, President Donald Trump announced a plan Friday to retrain the nation’s 3 million unemployed Americans to work as human ventilators. “We’re going to put Americans back to work by teaching them…

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Doctors Encourage More Women To Regularly Perform Breast Self-Exams To See If They Need Implants

Fri, 2020-03-27 16:32

It’s a simple procedure you can do at home, and it only takes a few minutes each month. Hear how performing this routine check-up yourself could change your life.

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Kawhi Leonard Misses Second Consecutive Family Game Night Citing Load Management

Fri, 2020-03-27 15:53

RANCHO SANTA FE, CA—Saying that his personal health had to remain top priority no matter the demands of the job, Clippers superstar Kawhi Leonard missed his second consecutive family game night Friday due to load management. “Playing game after game of Uno takes a physical and mental toll, so I need to rest up and not…

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What’s In Congress’ Coronavirus Stimulus Bill

Fri, 2020-03-27 15:19

After days of frenzied negotiations, Congress passed a $2 trillion stimulus package to address economic issues caused by the coronavirus, the largest such aid package in U.S. history. The Onion takes a look at what’s in the stimulus bill.

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Americans Look For Ways To Help During Coronavirus Pandemic

Fri, 2020-03-27 14:30

Though shelter-in-place orders are keeping many homebound, Americans are finding ways to help those in need by giving blood, donating to food banks, and pledging money to nonprofits that provide financial assistance to people who have lost their jobs. What do you think?

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20 Women Throughout History And 5 From The Future

Fri, 2020-03-27 14:22

Cleopatra: A highly influential Egyptian leader who helped spread bangs throughout the Ptolemaic dynasty.

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Global Pandemic That Has Killed Thousands Giving Woman Just The Push She Needed To Organize Tupperware Cabinet

Fri, 2020-03-27 13:41

CHICAGO—Basking in the satisfaction of finally getting around to tackle a long-awaited project, local woman Carrie Wilhelm reportedly reflected Friday that the global coronavirus pandemic that has killed thousands gave her just the push she needed to organize her Tupperware cabinet. “I’ve been putting off organizing…

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Department Of Interior Announces Birds Will Continue Going About Regular Bird Activities During Pandemic

Fri, 2020-03-27 13:04

WASHINGTON—Urging Americans to maintain social distancing despite what they see other animals doing, officials for the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Friday that birds will continue going about their regular bird activities during the coronavirus pandemic. “Even as we humans shelter-in-place over the next…

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Miss E3? Check Out Our Recreation With A Bunch Of Sweating, Overheated Gamers We Locked In Our Janitorial Closet

Fri, 2020-03-27 12:44

Hardcore gaming fans were massively disappointed when this year’s Electronic Entertainment Expo got canceled due to the spread of Covid-19. But luckily, OGN is here to give you a taste of what you’re missing. That’s right, readers! If you’re pining away for the E3 experience, then feast your eyes on this pixel-perfect…

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10 Photos That Will Make You Angry Because You Are A Strange Person Who Gets Upset At Pictures Of Wallets

Fri, 2020-03-27 10:20

All you’re likely thinking about right now is how this bifold wallet is taunting you. It’s not. You’re a psychotic individual.

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Study Finds Female Mammals Live Longer Than Males

Thu, 2020-03-26 16:52

A large-scale study of over 100 species of mammals including orcas, reindeer, squirrels, and lions found that females live an average of 18.6% longer than their male counterparts, which may be tied to both genetic and environmental factors. What do you think?

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NASA Finds Life Drowned On Mars

Thu, 2020-03-26 16:22

It’s an historic achievement that is being celebrated by the scientific community. Find out what this means for our solar system, and if this could lead to the discovery of more extraterrestrial corpses.

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Man Reflects On Cyclical Nature Of Existence After Learning McDonald’s Has Stopped Offering All-Day Breakfast Once Again

Thu, 2020-03-26 15:12

JOPLIN, MO—Overcome with a sense of spiritual profundity in response to the astonishing announcement, local man Edward Trask reportedly reflected on the cyclical nature of existence Thursday after learning fast-food giant McDonald’s would once more stop serving breakfast all day long. “Though things around us may…

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1,000-Bed Hospital Ships Deployed To New York, LA

Thu, 2020-03-26 14:04

The USNS Mercy and the USNS Comfort, each equipped with 12 operating rooms, 1,000 beds, and hundreds of medical professionals will deploy to America’s two biggest cities to treat patients so that local hospitals can focus on fighting the coronavirus. What do you think?

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Haunting Photographs Capture Empty Spaces Around The Country Amid Shelter-In-Place Orders

Thu, 2020-03-26 13:25

As the nation grinds to a standstill amidst the Covid-19 outbreaks, even its most trafficked areas stand abandoned in a testament to the changing face of American life. Here The Onion’s photojournalism bureau captures the haunting spaces left empty around the country after recent shelter-in-place orders.

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