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Study: Sperm Counts Worldwide Have Plunged 62% In Under 50 Years

Mon, 2022-11-21 07:00

A new study found that sperm counts and concentration are down all over the world, decreasing by 62% since the 1970s, with some researchers warning that humans could face a reproductive crisis if action is not taken to tackle the drop in male fertility. What do you think?

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Qatar World Cup Games To Cut Off Human Sales After 75th Minute

Sun, 2022-11-20 12:00

DOHA, QATAR—Unveiling several policies for the upcoming international soccer tournament, the nation of Qatar announced Sunday that its World Cup stadiums would cut off human sales after the 75th minute of each soccer match. “We want fans to enjoy themselves, but we also want to provide a safe environment, so get your…

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Week In Review: November 20, 2022

Sun, 2022-11-20 07:00
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Nancy Pelosi Will Not Seek Reelection As Democratic Leader In House

Fri, 2022-11-18 15:45

Nancy Pelosi, who has led Democrats in the U.S. House of Representatives for almost two decades, has announced she is standing down from the role, as Republicans are projected to take back control of the House following the midterm elections. What do you think?

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Walgreens To Now Offer Baths

Fri, 2022-11-18 14:54
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Injured Birthday Clown Taken Behind Bouncy House To Be Shot

Fri, 2022-11-18 14:20

AUSTIN, TX—Explaining that it was best to put him out of his misery as quickly as possible, local father and birthday party host Ian Klassen reportedly took an injured clown behind the bouncy house Friday to shoot him. “He was trying to do a headstand on his unicycle when he lost balance and fell, and there was a…

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The History Of Ex-Presidents Who Tried To Run Again

Fri, 2022-11-18 14:15

Donald Trump’s announcement on Tuesday that he will run for president again in 2024 makes him part of an exclusive group of ex-presidents who sought their old office back. The Onion looks back at the history of ex-presidents who tried to run again.

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White Teacher In Texas Fired After Telling Students His Race ‘The Superior One’

Fri, 2022-11-18 07:30

A middle school teacher in Pflugerville, TX was fired after a video was posted to social media showing the white teacher telling his students his race “is the superior one.” What do you think?

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Things Never To Say To A Tom Brady Fan

Fri, 2022-11-18 07:15

If you ever have the misfortune of having to talk to a fan of “the GOAT,” here are things you should never, ever say.

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Facebook HQ On Lockdown After Mark Zuckerberg’s Avatar Breaks Out Of Metaverse

Fri, 2022-11-18 07:00

MENLO PARK, CA—Amid grim reports that several engineers working in the virtual reality server room had been violently dismembered, Facebook’s headquarters were on lockdown Friday after Mark Zuckerberg’s avatar reportedly broke out of the metaverse. “At approximately 8:02 a.m., a security breach was detected in our…

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Ticketmaster Opens New Workhouse Where Taylor Swift Fans Can Labor To Earn Their Eras Tickets

Thu, 2022-11-17 18:39

NORILSK, RUSSIA—In response to complaints of skyrocketing ticket prices caused by excessive fees, live-entertainment monolith Ticketmaster has opened a new workhouse where Taylor Swift fans can labor to earn tickets for her forthcoming Eras Tour, sources within the music industry confirmed Friday. “Whenever I feel…

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Things Gen Z Hates About Millennials

Thu, 2022-11-17 17:27
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Trump Announces 2024 Presidential Bid

Thu, 2022-11-17 17:17

Donald Trump, who tried to overthrow the results of the 2020 presidential election and inspired a deadly riot at the Capitol in a desperate attempt to keep himself in power, announced he is running for president again in 2024. What do you think?

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Artemis Rocket Carrying Mannequins To Determine Viability Of Department Stores On Moon

Thu, 2022-11-17 15:40

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In an effort to one day place a permanent outpost in space, NASA confirmed Thursday that the recently launched Artemis I Mega Rocket was carrying mannequins to determine the viability of department stores on the moon. “Sending the three mannequins to the moon will tell us if we could one day…

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Onion Sports’ NFL Week 11 Picks

Thu, 2022-11-17 14:20

Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 11 games.

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When Hairy Met Sally

Thu, 2022-11-17 14:18
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What To Say To Someone Who Lost Money In The Crypto Crash

Thu, 2022-11-17 09:47

With prices for digital currencies plummeting, The Onion provides helpful advice on what to say to someone who lost all of their money in the crypto crash.

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