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Study Finds Goosebumps Caused By Psychotic Weirdo Masturbating To Old Photo Of You

Mon, 2018-01-08 12:53

CHICAGO—A groundbreaking new study published Monday in The Journal Of The American Medical Association has found that goosebumps appear on the skin when a mentally unhinged weirdo is, at that very same moment, masturbating to an old photograph of you. “After poring over the evidence, we’ve discovered that the…

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Whoa, Vacuum Got Something Pretty Big Under Couch

Mon, 2018-01-08 12:40

CINCINNATI—Reacting immediately to the sudden noise, surprised local woman Fran Copeland confirmed Monday that whoa, her vacuum cleaner just got ahold of something really big underneath the couch. “Oh, man, whatever just got sucked up into there must have been huge,” said the visibly startled 28-year-old, explaining…

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New Evidence Suggests Ancient Egyptians Only Ever Visited Pyramids When Friends Were In From Out Of Town

Mon, 2018-01-08 12:32

LONDON—In a discovery that sheds new light on the civilization’s cultural practices, researchers at University College London presented evidence Monday that suggests ancient Egyptians never went to see the pyramids unless they had guests in from out of town. “Recently unearthed papyrus rolls dating from 2400 B.C.…

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Earth’s Successful Completion Of Orbit Around Sun Inspires Woman To Reflect On Eating Habits

Mon, 2018-01-01 09:45

GREENVILLE, NC—Noting that the celestial body’s return to this position in space demanded more personal accountability, sources confirmed Monday that the Earth’s successful completion of an orbit around the sun inspired local woman Vivian Turner to reflect on her eating habits. “Now that the planet I live on has…

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2018 The Year It All Going To Fall Into Place, Delusional Sources Report

Mon, 2018-01-01 02:01

WASHINGTON—Fooling themselves into believing things were going to be turning around, delusional sources reported Friday that 2018 will be the year it’s all going to fall into place. “No ifs, ands, or buts about it, everything is finally going to come together in 2018,” said Liam Thomas of Margate, FL, echoing the…

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Single Woman Getting All Dolled Up To Watch Room Full Of People Make Out This New Year’s Eve

Sun, 2017-12-31 10:00

BROOKLYN, NY—Wearing a brand-new dress while carefully applying her makeup for the evening, local single woman Kelly Duval was reportedly getting all dolled up Sunday to watch a room full of people make out this New Year’s Eve. According to sources, Duval was going to great lengths to create big, bouncy curls in her…

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Top Quotes Of 2017

Tue, 2017-12-26 02:05
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Top Television Shows Of 2017

Tue, 2017-12-26 02:05
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The 14 Babies Born In 2017

Tue, 2017-12-26 02:05
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Year In Review

Tue, 2017-12-26 02:00

In a year where the news media fell under escalating criticism for fabrication, The Onion’s unparalleled reportage and sterling journalism revealed the core truth of 2017: That every other news organization is, indeed, lying to you. They are lying to you and, moreover, they believe you are the sort of gullible fool…

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Top Films Of 2017

Mon, 2017-12-25 19:40
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Pentagon Has U.F.O. Hunting Program

Mon, 2017-12-25 13:10

The Defense Department has been investing $22 million per year into investigating unidentified flying objects, a New York Times report found, contradicting government statements that the program was shut down in 2012. What do you think?

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Those We Lost In 2017 

Sun, 2017-12-24 10:40
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