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Updated: 19 hours 41 min ago

Walgreens Unveils New Line Of Shrink-Wrapped Sandwiches To Grab When Something Has Gone Horribly, Horribly Wrong

Tue, 2019-04-30 16:09

CHICAGO—Catering to a segment of the population chronically underserved by man and God alike, Walgreens unveiled a new line of shrink-wrapped sandwiches Tuesday for the doomed, afflicted, and beleaguered to purchase in times when things have gone horribly, horribly wrong. “These inexpensive, tightly shrink-wrapped,…

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ISIS Releases Video Of Leader Al-Baghdadi

Tue, 2019-04-30 15:59

The Islamic State released a video message purporting to come from its leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, in what would be his first appearance in five years. What do you think?

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Unbeatable ‘Jeopardy!’ Champ Says Key To Success Is Threatening Other Contestants With Nail-Studded Baseball Bat During Commercials

Tue, 2019-04-30 14:27

CULVER CITY, CA—Revealing the secret behind his lucrative run on the TV game show, unbeatable Jeopardy! champion James Holzhauer told reporters Tuesday that the key to his success was threatening other contestants with a nail-studded baseball bat during commercial breaks. “My approach is pretty simple: I wait until a…

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A Guide To The Best Weapons In ‘FIFA 19’

Tue, 2019-04-30 12:30

Selecting the right weapon can be the difference between winning or losing a match in FIFA. Onion Gamers Network examines the most powerful and effective instruments of destruction in the latest version of the Electronic Arts’ soccer-simulation game.

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Kobe Bryant Confident He Could Still Berate Teammates For 20 Minutes A Night

Tue, 2019-04-30 11:53

LOS ANGELES—Asserting that he’d be able to contribute quality scowls and derision to a championship contender, Lakers great Kobe Bryant expressed confidence Tuesday that he could still berate teammates for 20 minutes a night. “I might not be able to intimidate guys at an MVP level anymore, but I could definitely come…

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‘Fortnite’ Players Up In Arms Over New Map Addition After Discovering Its Deli Counter Only Features 2 Types Of Salami

Tue, 2019-04-30 11:28

Fortnite’s latest update brought some major changes to the battle royale sensation this week. But while most of the overhauls and new content in the patch were welcomed, many players are slamming a new map location after finding out the deli counter only has two types of salami.

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Taylor Swift Debuts New Single

Tue, 2019-04-30 08:33

Pop star Taylor Swift debuted “ME!” a new duet with Brendon Urie from Panic! At the Disco likely to tease an upcoming album. What do you think?

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Dipshit Toddler Waving At Wall

Tue, 2019-04-30 08:32
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Trump Resigns From Presidents Local 150 In Protest Of Unions

Mon, 2019-04-29 16:39

WASHINGTON—Criticizing leaders of the organized labor movement for supporting Democrats and for the treatment of their members, Donald Trump announced Monday that he was resigning from the United President Workers Local 150 in protest of unions. “Today I informed the Washington, D.C. chapter of the UPW that I will no…

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‘Avengers: Endgame’ Shatters Box Office Records

Mon, 2019-04-29 16:29

Analysis suggests that Avengers: Endgame, the action-packed culmination of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, may rake in as much as $1 billion in box office sales after a record-breaking opening weekend. What do you think?

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Shitty Region Of Country Figures It Might As Well Give Producing Wine A Shot

Mon, 2019-04-29 15:36

LAWRENCE, KS—Reasoning that they don’t really have anything else going for them in the increasingly automated post-industrial era of large-scale staple farming, the shittier regions of the country decided this week that they might as well give producing wine a shot. “At this point, maybe we should just see if we could…

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Enes Kanter Grateful To Escape From Oppressive, Failing Dictatorship In New York

Mon, 2019-04-29 14:52

PORTLAND, OR—Admitting it was difficult to watch his once-vibrant home fall into complete disarray, Portland Trail Blazers center Enes Kanter confirmed Monday that he was grateful to have escaped the oppressive, failing dictatorship in New York. “It’s disastrous—the leaders are full-on autocrats and there is so little…

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‘New York Times’ Apologizes For Running Anti-Semitic Comic Strip ‘Shylock The Shyster’ For Past 37 Years

Mon, 2019-04-29 14:20

NEW YORK—Explaining that it regrets the oversight, The New York Times apologized Monday for its decision to run the anti-Semitic comic strip Shylock The Shyster for the past 37 years. “We are deeply sorry for printing this strip on a continuous basis in more than 13,000 editions of our paper published since 1982,”…

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‘Game Of Thrones’ Actors Reveal Reading Script For Zombie Battle And Realizing They Wasted Careers

Mon, 2019-04-29 13:47

NEW YORK—Discussing their astonishment mere hours after the premiere of the highly anticipated episode, Game Of Thrones actors told reporters Monday about the moment they read the script for the zombie battle in “The Long Night” and realized they had definitively wasted their careers. “Right away, when I finished the…

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Hollywood Analysts Still Not Sure How ‘Saving Silverman’ Broke Box Office Records Last Weekend

Mon, 2019-04-29 13:31

LOS ANGELES—Admitting they were confounded by the huge numbers being put up by the 2001 feature starring Jason Biggs, Steve Zahn, and Jack Black, top film industry analysts told reporters Monday they had yet to determine how Saving Silverman managed to break numerous box office records over the weekend. “As far as we…

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We Interview Shigeru Miyamoto About How Watching A Giant Ape Beat His Father To Death With A Barrel Inspired ‘Donkey Kong’

Mon, 2019-04-29 13:11

Shigeru Miyamoto is a titan of the video game industry known around the world for bringing the Super Mario and Legend Of Zelda franchises to life. We sat down with the legendary game director, designer, and producer for a revealing interview where he opened up to us about how the Donkey Kong game series drew its

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Elderly Mother At That Age Where Even Just One Fall Over Niagara Could Be Fatal

Mon, 2019-04-29 12:53

BUFFALO, NY—No longer the spry daredevil she was when she was younger, beloved grandmother Lydia McNeese, 87, has reached that age where even just one trip over Niagara Falls could be fatal. “She’s getting to that point that all women reach, if they’re lucky, where she simply can’t handle a 170-foot plunge down a…

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