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The 4 Medical Conditions That You Can Have

Tue, 2018-12-04 12:56

Feeling unwell? Every last disease, injury, and ailment that you can possibly have falls into one of the following classifications. Consult this list of the only four medical conditions to begin diagnosing your health problems. 

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Warby Parker Apologizes For Years Of Testing Glasses On Animals

Tue, 2018-12-04 12:34

NEW YORK—Following several months of scrutiny and pressure from animal rights groups, glasses manufacturer Warby Parker issued an official apology Tuesday, expressing regret for years of testing trademark eyewear fashions on animals before introducing the styles to customers. “Though we no longer engage in the…

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Fed Proposes Forcing Drugmakers To List Drug Prices In Ads

Tue, 2018-12-04 11:49

Department of Health and Human Services secretary Alex Azar proposed rules requiring all drugmakers to disclose the price of drugs that cost more than $35 in their television ads. What do you think?

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China, U.S. Agree To Temporary Halt To Trade War

Mon, 2018-12-03 17:27

In a meeting at G20, China and the U.S. announced a 90-day window to pause their trade war and potentially bring an end to the bruising tariff fight. What do you think?

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Divorced Parents A Little Hurt Child’s Christmas List Doesn’t Include Heartbreaking Wish For Them To Get Back Together

Mon, 2018-12-03 17:04

DAYTON, OH—Expressing disappointment at the evident lack of concern for their failed relationship, divorced parents Tim Foster and Eva Ferguson admitted Thursday to being “a little hurt” that the recently completed Christmas list submitted by their daughter Kayla, 8, included no heartfelt but ultimately unrealistic…

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Chemistry Teacher Encouraging Students To Fuck Around With Bunsen Burners In Last-Ditch Effort To Prove Science Is Cool

Mon, 2018-12-03 16:33

COLUMBUS, OH—In what was interpreted as a final attempt to foster scientific curiosity in high school juniors, James A. Garfield Memorial High School chemistry teacher Gary Holbrook encouraged his students Monday to fuck around with Bunsen burners in a last-ditch effort to prove that science is cool. “As you can see…

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George H.W. Bush’s Casket Completes Log Flume Journey To U.S. Capitol

Mon, 2018-12-03 15:26

WASHINGTON—In preparation for the 41st president’s funeral later this week, George H.W. Bush’s casket completed its thrilling log flume journey to the U.S. capitol, sources confirmed Monday. The former president’s casket, which was launched from a shallow wading pool in Houston, TX, reportedly traveled 1,400 twisting,…

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Violence Erupts Across France As Citizens Protest High Cost Of Refilling Crème Brûlée Torches

Mon, 2018-12-03 14:38

PARIS—With angry residents claiming that the recent tax hikes on fuel were negatively impacting their way of life, violence reportedly erupted across France over the weekend as citizens protested the high cost of refilling crème brûlée torches. “If that miser [President Emmanuel] Macron does not decrease these cruel…

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Man Parallel Parking Tries To Leave Enough Room Between Cars To Infuriate Other Drivers Into Just Giving Up

Mon, 2018-12-03 14:04

SANTA MONICA, CA—Emphasizing that his thoughts were always and only for his fellow motorists, local parallel parker Ed Billings admitted Monday that he strives to leave just enough room between the cars ahead of or behind his own so that other drivers are eventually infuriated into simply giving up after a few…

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Experts Recommend Just Putting Up With Everyone Else

Mon, 2018-12-03 13:55

NEW YORK—Shrugging their shoulders and tilting their heads to the side, a group of defeated-looking experts from top American universities released a joint report Monday recommending you just put up with everyone else because there’s nothing you can really do about them. “According to our research, the people around…

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Christ Super Embarrassed About All That Stupid Shit He Said 2,000 Years Ago

Mon, 2018-12-03 13:32

THE HEAVENS—Admitting that He almost couldn’t bear to look at those old speeches from his Nazareth days, the Lord Jesus Christ told reporters Monday that He was super embarrassed about all that stupid shit He said 2,000 years ago. “Man, I was into some really weird religious mumbo-jumbo back then; all those…

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Wistful Woman Wonders If This Could Be The One She’ll Sleep With For Few Weeks Before Losing Interest

Mon, 2018-12-03 12:22

CHICAGO—Expressing optimism and excitement for what her romantic future might hold, local woman Fiona Dixon reportedly wondered Monday if the man she just went on a date with might finally be the one she’ll sleep with for a few weeks before losing interest. “I know we just met, but I’m feeling such a strong connection…

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Fuck Off, Babies: 11 Babies We Don’t Give A Shit About

Mon, 2018-12-03 11:48

Some babies are okay, but not these ones. These ones are ass. We don’t give a shit about these babies and hope they blow up.

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FDA Cracks Down On Vaping Among Young People

Fri, 2018-11-30 18:19

The FDA gave makers of popular vaping devices 60 days to prove they can keep them away from minors or face them being taken off the market, saying their use has reached an “epidemic” level. What do you think?

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Angela Merkel Admits She Only Attending Stupid Work Conference For Free Trip To Argentina

Fri, 2018-11-30 17:15

BUENOS AIRES—Explaining that the event was “always a complete waste of time,” German chancellor Angela Merkel admitted to reporters Friday that she was only attending this stupid work conference for the free trip to Argentina. “I was totally planning to blow off this whole dumb business trip until I found out they…

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G20 Leaders Attend Saudi Crown Prince’s Informative Seminar On Eliminating Dissident Journalists

Fri, 2018-11-30 17:10

BUENOS AIRES—Saying the hour-long presentation based on His Royal Highness’ own professional experience was really enlightening, member leaders at the G20 Summit attended the Saudi Crown Prince’s informative seminar Friday on eliminating dissident journalists. “He really explained things in simple terms that any head…

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