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The Onion
Report: Being Held Closely By Person Who Loves You Probably Not Even That Great
CHICAGO—Suggesting that there was no specific reason for pursuing such a goal, a report released Monday confirmed that being held closely by the person who loves you probably isn’t even that great. “In all likelihood, there is nothing particularly novel or enviable about feeling the arm of a lover wrapping…
2 Men Arrested After Killing Bald Eagle They Planned On Eating
Two men face federal criminal charges after authorities said they entered private property in Nebraska and shot a North American bald eagle with the intent to eat it. What do you think?
Ingenious Forms Of Birth Control Used In Ancient Times
Throughout recorded history, humans have been clever and resourceful as they sought out ways to avoid getting saddled down with an unwanted kid. The Onion looks back on the most ingenious forms of birth control used in ancient times.
Hollywood’s Biggest Stars Explain Why The Oscars Are Still Relevant
With the viewership of the Academy Awards’ broadcast slipping by 35 million since 2000, The Onion asked Hollywood’s biggest stars to explain why the Oscars are still relevant.
Norfolk Southern CEO’s Testimony Cut Short After Train Derails Into Capitol Building
Aaron Rodgers Reflects On Life Choices After Jets Emerge As Only Potential Suitor
Mitch McConnell Bankrupted By 3-Day Stay In Hospital
WASHINGTON—As he entered the third day of his stay at George Washington University Hospital, sources confirmed Friday that the treatment Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had received for a concussion sustained during a fall at a D.C. dinner event had left him bankrupt. “For the love of God, how is anyone supposed to be…
McConnell Hospitalized After Fall At Dinner Event In D.C. Hotel
Eighty-one-year-old Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell suffered a concussion after tripping during a private dinner event at a D.C. hotel and remains hospitalized “for a few days of observation and treatment.” What do you think?
SpaceX Crew Member Realizes He Fired After Being Locked Out Of Capsule
LOW EARTH ORBIT—Noting that he had a feeling something was off the second he left for a spacewalk, SpaceX Crew member Chris Jeffries told reporters Friday that he realized he had been fired after being locked out of the Dragon capsule. “While no one has explicitly told me that my job has been eliminated, judging by…
Trump One-Ups Ron DeSantis By Claiming He Tortured More Prisoners At Guantánamo Bay
PALM BEACH, FL—Boasting that the Florida governor’s human rights violations were “nothing” next to his own, Donald Trump reportedly one-upped Ron DeSantis Friday by claiming he had tortured more prisoners at Guantánamo Bay. “I laughed way harder at the detainees’ cries of anguish than DeSantis did—I was cackling so…
Netflix Asks Any Men Thinking Of Killing Their Families To Just Contact Them Directly First
LOS GATOS, CA—Emphasizing that the earlier they found out about the brutal homicides, the better the end results, Netflix officials asked Friday that any men thinking of killing their families just go ahead and contact them directly first. “If you have plans to orchestrate a deadly string of murders that leaves your…
Speaker At Human Genome Editing Conference Just Wants To Know Where Colleagues Stand Before Pulling Curtain Off Giant Cage
LONDON—In an attempt to determine how attendees might react to his latest research, a scientist speaking at the Third International Summit on Human Genome Editing this week reportedly wanted to know where his colleagues stood before he pulled the curtain off a giant cage. “It’s a great honor to present my work to this…
The Most Controversial Moments At The Oscars
Throughout the years, the Academy Awards have had their share of shocking and scandalous moments. The Onion examines the Oscars’ biggest controversies of all time.
‘There’s No Rule That The Controls Have To Be In The Head,’ Says Giant Robot Operator Piloting From Crotch Deck
MrBeast Re-Blinds 1,000 People
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Promising the incredibly cheap and easy procedure would ultimately change patients’ lives forever, YouTube star MrBeast released a video Friday in which he re-blinded 1,000 people. “Today is awesome, because starting right now, we’re going to find hundreds of formerly blind people, stab them in the…