The Onion

Syndicate content
America's Finest News Source.
Updated: 1 hour 18 min ago

The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Build The Perfect Home Office

Thu, 2021-11-18 13:55

Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off of these

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Top Free Agents Of The MLB Offseason

Thu, 2021-11-18 13:50

Although not as funny as Gabriel Iglesias or as good of a singer as Enrique Iglesias, Raisel is the best option baseball wise if you’re choosing an Iglesias.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Fannie Mae Issues Billions Of Mortgage-Backed NFTs

Thu, 2021-11-18 13:10

WASHINGTON—Calling it a no-risk investment guaranteed to appreciate in value over time, Fannie Mae officials announced Thursday that the lender had issued billions of Mortgage-backed NFTs. “This is as stable as they come, over the entire history of NFTs, they have only appreciated in value,” said CEO Hugh Frater, who…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Billy Eppler Takes Mets GM Job To Get Closer To Son Mr. Met

Thu, 2021-11-18 11:55

QUEENS, NY—Admitting that some personal reasons had factored in to him accepting the position, new New York Mets general manager Billy Eppler told reporters Thursday that he took the job to get closer to his son Mr. Met. “It’s honestly a dream come true to be able to work in the same organization as my beloved son,”…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Walgreens Customer Really Pushing It With Amount Of Non-Medical Stuff She’s Bringing To Pharmacy Counter

Thu, 2021-11-18 09:00

CHICAGO—According to annoyed sources who saw the woman breeze past the long checkout line to the back of the store, a local Walgreens customer was really pushing it Thursday with regards to the amount of non-medical stuff she intended to buy at the pharmacy counter. “If she expects the pharmacist to ring all that up,…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Amazon Fined $500,000 For Concealing Covid Cases From Workers

Thu, 2021-11-18 09:00

Amazon has been ordered to pay a fine of $500,000 for hiding the number of Covid-19 cases at its California workplaces from employees, the first fine based on the state’s “right to know” legislation, which gives employers one day to notify staff of detected infection. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘I Said Do It,’ Barks Cheesecake Factory CEO As Hesitant Chefs Hold Whole Fried Chicken Over Bowl Of Chocolate Pudding

Thu, 2021-11-18 09:00

CALABASAS HILLS, CA—Rushing into action immediately upon seeing the first signs of hesitation, The Cheesecake Factory CEO David Overton angrily demanded a test kitchen chef dunk a whole fried chicken into a nearby bowl of chocolate pudding, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I said put that Alfredo-drizzled fried chicken…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Poll: 72% Of Americans Keeping Holiday Gatherings To Household

Wed, 2021-11-17 17:01

According to a new survey, 72% of poll respondents said they plan to limit their holiday celebrations to members of their household, while 51% will request guests wear masks due to the ongoing Covid-19 pandemic. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Exhausted Rockefeller Center Staff Decide To Take It Easy And Go With 3-Foot Artificial LED Christmas Tree This Year

Wed, 2021-11-17 15:55

NEW YORK—Saying it had been a stressful year and they just wanted to keep their decorations low-key, burnt-out Rockefeller Center employees confirmed Wednesday they would take it easy this Christmas and opt for a 3-foot-tall artificial tree with pre-lit LEDs. “While going out and cutting down your own 70- or 80-foot…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Disney Acquires All Of America’s Children For $52 Billion

Wed, 2021-11-17 14:08

BURBANK, CA—In a landmark deal that had reportedly been in the works for months, The Walt Disney Company acquired all of America’s children Wednesday for $52 billion. “We’ve been fans of America’s youth for a long time now, and we’re excited to finally have them join our robust portfolio of properties,” said Disney…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

TikTok Helps Kidnapper Find Teen

Wed, 2021-11-17 12:10

ROLLINGWOOD, TX—Lauding the app for its incredible power, authorities credited TikTok Wednesday for helping a kidnapper find local teenager Hailey Lamb. “People think of TikTok as just some frivolous app for kids, but this just goes to show it can have life-changing applications,” said police lieutenant John Martinez,…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Scottie Pippen Boasts He Would’ve Given Much Better Performance Than Jordan In ‘Space Jam’

Wed, 2021-11-17 12:05

LOS ANGELES—Attacking the Chicago Bulls legend for his “massively overrated” line reads, Scottie Pippen boasted Wednesday that he would have given a much better performance than Michael Jordan in Space Jam. “Look, he gets all this praise for a box office smash, but it was really the system around Jordan that elevated…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Celebrity Chefs Share Their Favorite Thanksgiving Cooking Hacks

Wed, 2021-11-17 09:00

Tired of overcooked turkey, canned gravy, and grandma’s tasteless green bean casserole? Then it’s time to call in the pros. We asked celebrity chefs to share their favorite Thanksgiving cooking hacks, and this is what they said.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

The Most Contentious President–Vice President Relationships In U.S. History

Wed, 2021-11-17 09:00

Recent reporting by The Onion and several lesser media outlets finds growing tensions between President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris, continuing a historical trend of the nation’s leader often being at odds with their second-in-command. The Onion looks at the most contentious relationships between a…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Americans Assure Pentagon They Don’t Care Enough To Make Covering Up Drone Strikes Worthwhile

Tue, 2021-11-16 17:20

WASHINGTON—In the wake of revelations that military leaders had intentionally buried evidence of civilian casualties caused on their watch, Americans assured the Pentagon Tuesday that they did not care enough to make covering up such strikes worthwhile. “You guys seem to be putting a lot of effort into concealing the…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

ESPN ManningCast Devolves Into Deeply Uncomfortable Argument About Putting Father In Nursing Home

Mon, 2021-11-15 21:00

SAN FRANCISCO—Shouting over each other as guest Philip Rivers sat in awkward silence, ESPN2’s ManningCast devolved into a deeply uncomfortable argument Monday over whether their father should be put in a nursing home. “You know he’s been struggling and we can’t just bury our heads in the sand and pretend nothing is…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion