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The Onion’s Guide To ‘The Great British Baking Show’

Wed, 2018-08-15 11:28

The Great British Baking Show, a British television competition that airs on Netflix and PBS, has become a cult phenomenon in the U.S. The Onion presents a guide to everything you need to know about The Great British Baking Show.

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Arby’s Releases Barbara Bush Tribute Edition Curly Fries

Wed, 2018-08-15 11:15

SANDY SPRINGS, GA—In an effort to honor the widely admired first lady, fast-casual chain Arby’s announced Wednesday that they’re releasing special edition curly fries packaged in a carton with the late Barbara Bush’s face alongside the words “In Remembrance” written tastefully in cursive. “We’re excited today to pay…

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More Than 100 U.S. Newspapers Plan Editorials Decrying Trump’s Attacks On Media

Wed, 2018-08-15 10:41

More than 100 newspapers have signed onto a Boston Globe-led campaign to publish editorials inveighing against Trump’s designation of the media as an “enemy of the people.” What do you think?

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Surgeon Pretty Bummed About Losing Patient, But It Not Like They Were Good Friends Or Anything

Wed, 2018-08-15 10:32

BOSTON—Admitting he only knew the guy for “a couple weeks, tops,” local cardiac surgeon Dr. David Griffiths told reporters he was sorta bummed about losing his patient Brian Fields, but it’s not as if they were close or anything. “You never want to lose a patient on the operating table, but it’s not like I’m going to…

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Absolutely Amazing: Biblical Scholars Have Discovered That Christ’s Eyes Were Much Lower Down On His Face Than Previously Believed

Wed, 2018-08-15 09:55

A groundbreaking study was published today that will forever alter the way Christians and non-believers alike think about the historical Jesus Christ. Biblical scholars have discovered that Christ’s eyes were much lower on his face than previously believed!

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Omarosa Searches Through Tapes Of Everyone Else In White House Using N-Word For One Of Trump

Tue, 2018-08-14 18:43

WASHINGTON—Insisting that it had to be in the audio recordings made during her time in the administration, Omarosa Manigault-Newman was frantically searching Tuesday through tapes of everyone else in the White House using the N-word for one of President Trump uttering the racial slur. “C’mon, c’mon, I know Trump’s in…

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Omarosa Plays Tapes Of Firing By John Kelly

Tue, 2018-08-14 16:37

Omarosa Manigault-Newman played a recording of Chief of Staff John Kelly she made as he fired her in the White House situation room, a move that national security experts warn is potentially illegal. What do you think?

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Elon Musk Gives Saudi Investors Presentation On New Autonomous Beheading Machine For Adulterers

Tue, 2018-08-14 15:40

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Touting the state-of-the-art electric execution device’s energy efficiency, sleek design, and whisper-quiet machinery, billionaire Elon Musk gave Saudi investors a presentation on a new autonomous adulterer-beheading machine he has invented, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I’ve been thinking a lot…

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Bill Belichick Announces This Final Season He Will Coach In Current Mortal Form

Tue, 2018-08-14 14:46

FOXBORO, MA—Admitting the demands of the NFL season have worn down his temporary corporeal body, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick announced Tuesday that the upcoming season would be the last he will coach in his current mortal form. “Whether we win the Lombardi trophy or not, this will be the last season I coach…

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Caterpillar In Pupal Stage For Past 3 Months Going To Be Pissed If It Turns Out To Be Moth

Tue, 2018-08-14 14:34

CORVALLIS, OR—Seething with anger at the mere prospect of such an outcome, a local caterpillar, who has spent the past three months in its pupal stage, acknowledged Tuesday that it would be extremely pissed off if, upon maturation, it turned out to be a moth. “I swear to fucking God, if I’ve spent 90 days cooped up in…

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I’m Not Sure Why I Should Suffer For Something I Did 10 Years Ago And Would Do Again In A Heartbeat

Tue, 2018-08-14 13:56

Recently, several accusations have been made against me—eight women have come forward to claim I made inappropriate advances while working with them at CBS. I realize that my behavior may have resulted in some discomfort, but lost in the rush to judgment are important details about the context in which these…

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Q Forced To Resign From Department Of Agriculture For Improper Filing Of Expense Reports

Tue, 2018-08-14 13:41

WASHINGTON—Q, the pseudonymous individual who for the last several months has released classified information about high-ranking government officials and the deep state, reportedly tendered his resignation from the U.S. Department of Agriculture Tuesday after failing to properly file an expense report. “I want to…

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Mayor Of Phoenix Apologizes For Naming Berlin Germany Of 1941 As Sister City

Tue, 2018-08-14 13:13

PHOENIX—Acknowledging that a municipality such as present-day Stuttgart or Bremen may have been a more tactful choice for a German sister city, Phoenix mayor Thelda Williams apologized Tuesday for instead choosing the Berlin of 1941. “Berlin during the, shall we say, post-Weimar era certainly had some commendable…

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Area Man Would Have Done Things Differently If He Were Killer In Movie

Tue, 2018-08-14 11:51

LOWER MERION, PA—Calling the murderous character’s methods and practices into question, movie viewer Richard Anthony said Tuesday that, were he in fact the killer portrayed in the home invasion film You’re Next, he would have conducted himself in a distinctly different fashion. “This makes absolutely zero sense—why…

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Rashida Tlaib Set To Be First Muslim American Woman In Congress

Tue, 2018-08-14 11:24

Progressive former state Rep. Rashida Tlaib is likely to become the first Muslim woman elected to Congress after winning the Democratic primary in Michigan’s 13th Congressional District this week. What do you think?

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Orca Mother Carries Around Dead Calf For Two Weeks As Warning To All Who Would Defy Her

Mon, 2018-08-13 17:31

FRIDAY HARBOR, WA—Saying that the unusual behavior was in fact a natural expression of the animal’s relationship to both its dead kin and its social environment, experts at the Center for Whale Research held a dockside press conference Monday to confirm that the orca who carried around her dead calf for two weeks did…

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