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Doctors Discover Purpose Of Appendix Is To Contain Human Soul

Thu, 2017-11-09 13:58

BALTIMORE—Running counter to the generally accepted theory that the organ is merely vestigial, doctors at Johns Hopkins University said Wednesday that the purpose of the appendix is actually to contain the human soul. “After decades of presuming that it no longer had any real function, we were shocked to discover that…

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Scientists Discover ‘Void’ In Great Pyramid

Thu, 2017-11-09 11:37

Using advanced radiography, scientists have located a previously undiscovered void in the upper reaches of Egypt’s Great Pyramid of Khufu. What do you think?

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Pope Francis Pardons Those Who Dodged The Draft During Crusades

Thu, 2017-11-09 11:20

THE VATICAN—Centuries after they evaded conscription for military campaigns to the Holy Land, Pope Francis officially pardoned all Christians who dodged the draft during the Crusades, sources reported Monday. “Although we certainly don’t endorse their actions, enough time has passed that these men should be granted…

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Transgender Heavy Metal Singer Elected In Virginia

Wed, 2017-11-08 18:50

Journalist and heavy metal vocalist Danica Roem became Virginia’s first openly transgender legislator Tuesday by defeating Republican incumbent Robert Marshall. What do you think?

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The Gimp Factor

Wed, 2017-11-08 14:00
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Hanes Apologizes, Pulls T-Shirts From Shelves After Seeing How Local Man Looks In Them

Wed, 2017-11-08 13:46

WINSTON-SALEM, NC—Saying they deeply regretted their role in his unsightly appearance, clothing manufacturer Hanes apologized and pulled all their T-shirts from shelves Wednesday after seeing how local man Brian Armstrong looked in them. “All of us at Hanes are truly sorry these tagless cotton tees were allowed to go…

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‘Any Song Can Be Sad If It Has Sad Memories Attached To It,’ Report Newly Single Sources

Wed, 2017-11-08 13:19

NEW YORK—Saying that even the most upbeat tunes could bring one down under the right conditions, newly single sources told reporters Monday that any song can be sad if it has sad memories attached to it. “Sometimes the songs that used to make you the happiest are now the songs that hurt most, you know?” said a teary…

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How The World Has Changed Since Trump’s Election

Wed, 2017-11-08 12:28

The effects of Donald Trump winning the 2016 presidential election have been far-reaching and dramatic. On the one-year anniversary of the election, The Onion looks back at how the world has changed.

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Doctors Warn Marshawn Lynch That Next Time He Goes Into Beast Mode Could Kill Him

Wed, 2017-11-08 11:54

OAKLAND, CA—Calmly reiterating to the incredulous Oakland Raiders running back that they were looking out for his best interests, doctors warned Marshawn Lynch Wednesday that the next time he goes into Beast Mode could kill him. “Marshawn, I know you’ve gone through most of your Beast Modes without incident, but now…

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Gender Inequality Worsened In 2017

Wed, 2017-11-08 11:45

According to an annual World Economic Forum report, the extent by which women lag behind men in opportunities worsened for the first time ever in 2017. What do you think?

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Nation’s Parents Announce They Have Zero Fucking Patience For This Bullshit

Wed, 2017-11-08 11:39

AKRON, OH—Refusing to put up with it for another second, the nation’s parents announced Tuesday that they have zero fucking patience for this bullshit. “We stand here today because we are about this fucking close to losing it and can’t deal with this shit right now,” said 47-year-old Lisa Burgess on behalf of the…

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Heaven Slides To Sixth Place In Annual Quality Of Afterlife Rankings

Wed, 2017-11-08 11:21

WASHINGTON—Dropping to its lowest position in thousands of millennia, the everlasting paradise of Heaven reportedly slid to sixth place in the 2017 Annual Quality of Afterlife Rankings released Tuesday. “For a long time, Heaven easily topped the list of places for souls to settle down after death, but it’s been…

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Russell Westbrook Briefly Forgets How To Dribble After Thinking About It Too Hard

Tue, 2017-11-07 23:01

SACRAMENTO, CA—Freezing in a moment of complete panic after receiving an inbounds pass during a game against the Sacramento Kings, Oklahoma City Thunder shooting guard Russell Westbrook told reporters Tuesday night that he briefly forgot how to dribble after thinking about it too hard. “I just really got in my own…

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Arguments For And Against Socialism

Tue, 2017-11-07 19:00
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