The Onion

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Chuck Schumer: ‘The American People Deserve A President Who Can More Credibly Justify War With Iran’

Thu, 2019-06-20 13:34

WASHINGTON—In a pointed critique of President Trump’s foreign policy leadership, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer stated to members of the press Thursday that “the American people deserve a president who can more credibly justify war with Iran.” “What the American people need is a president who can make a much…

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U.S. Claims Drone Was Minding Own Business On Its Way To Church When Iran Attacked It Out Of Nowhere

Thu, 2019-06-20 12:44

WASHINGTON—Maintaining that the unmanned aerial vehicle was simply going about its day without posing a threat to anyone, U.S. Department of State officials claimed Thursday that one of their drones was minding its own business on its way to church when Iran attacked it out of nowhere. “This was an outrageous,…

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Rolos Unveils New Cryptocurrency Exclusively For Rolos Customers

Thu, 2019-06-20 12:38

ARLINGTON, VA—Calling the new financial system the “future” of digital caramel assets, Nestlé unveiled a new Rolos-based cryptocurrency Thursday exclusively for Rolos customers. “If you enjoy the deliciously sweet experience of eating a Rolos rolled chocolate candy, then you will love our latest foray into blockchain…

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Exhilarated Woman Discovers Last Person Who Used Jigsaw Puzzle Left Lots Of Pieces Sticking Together

Thu, 2019-06-20 12:22

SAN FRANCISCO—Emphasizing that a few pieces are even from a difficult single-color section comprising “practically nothing but empty blue sky,” Caitlin Roth, 34, was exhilarated Thursday to discover that the previous person to use the jigsaw puzzle at her Airbnb had left “a ton” of pieces sticking together. “Holy…

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‘Hunger Games’ Prequel Novel Coming In 2020

Thu, 2019-06-20 12:12

The Hunger Games author Suzanne Collins is writing a prequel to the series set 64 years before the beginning of the rebellion in her bestselling trilogy. What do you think?

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Small Town Rallies To Save Boy Trapped In Hell

Thu, 2019-06-20 11:55

WAUKEE, IA—Ever since he fell down a portal to the underworld while playing in a field behind his grandparents’ house, residents of a small town in central Iowa have been racing against the clock to save 8-year-old Joey Fletcher, who sources confirmed is currently trapped in hell.

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Lush Unveils New Line Of Anti-Aging Youthful Maiden BloodBombs

Thu, 2019-06-20 11:52

POOLE, UK—Touting their new product as “the absolute latest and best in skin-rejuvenation solutions,” UK-based cosmetics retailer Lush unveiled Thursday a new line of anti-aging Youthful Maiden BloodBombs. “Our new BloodBombs are formulated from only the purest virgin’s blood and are guaranteed to infuse your skin…

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Poll: Support For Abortion Growing

Wed, 2019-06-19 16:02

A growing proportion of Americans—56%— believe abortion should be legal, according to an NBC poll, rising from 49% in 2008. What do you think?

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Alex Jones Struggling To Convince Skeptical Police After Witnessing Actual Murder In Neighbor’s Backyard

Wed, 2019-06-19 14:15

AUSTIN, TX—Growing increasingly more distressed as he pleaded with authorities, Alex Jones was reportedly struggling to convince skeptical police Tuesday night that he witnessed an actual murder in his neighbor’s backyard. “Sure, yeah, Mr. Jones, you saw some guy stabbing his wife through your back window,” said…

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U.N. Secretary General Assumes Someone Already Doing Something About Uighur Internment Camps

Wed, 2019-06-19 12:48

NEW YORK—Speculating that there were probably dozens of people out there who had a handle on the situation, U.N. Secretary General António Guterres assumed Wednesday that someone was already doing something about the one million Uighur Muslims currently detained in Chinese internment camps in Xinjiang Province. “I…

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Inspiring: David Attenborough Just Told A Class Of Second-Graders That Any Of Them Could Grow Up To Stare At Animals And Describe What They’re Doing

Wed, 2019-06-19 11:30

If you needed a little pick-me-up today, you should know that one of television’s most beloved personalities just went out of his way to inspire the next generation to follow their dreams: David Attenborough just told a class of second-graders that any of them could one day grow up to stare at animals and describe…

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The Onion Reviews ‘Toy Story 4’

Wed, 2019-06-19 10:52
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Warren Buffett Tells Colleagues About Exciting Investment Opportunity He Recently Discovered Selling Mary Kay Beauty Products

Wed, 2019-06-19 10:30

OMAHA, NE—Encouraging his circle of close friends and family members to imagine the freedom of making money as their own boss in the growing field of personal beauty products, billionaire investor Warren Buffett hosted a party Wednesday to inform his colleagues about the exciting investment opportunities he had…

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Pros And Cons Of Mandatory National Service

Wed, 2019-06-19 10:00

A recent federal study stated there’s a case to be made for young Americans to participate in a period of mandatory national service, not necessarily in the military, adding fuel to a long-debated policy idea. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of mandatory national service.

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Babysitter Enters Third Hour Of Negotiations To Get 4-Year-Old To Put His Pants Back On

Wed, 2019-06-19 09:30

IOWA CITY, IA—Deliberately marshaling the last of her patience with the half-naked preschooler in the hopes of reaching a peaceful resolution, babysitter Rachel Cullman entered into the third hour of negotiations Tuesday to get 4-year-old Caden Foley to put his pants back on as the window before his bedtime drew ever…

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New Polls Show Warren In Second Place

Wed, 2019-06-19 09:00

Several new polls show Elizabeth Warren surging to second place behind Joe Biden, suggesting a head-to-head race for the primary’s more liberal voters between herself and Bernie Sanders. What do you think?

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Harpoon Industry Attempting Rebrand By Pointing Out Harpoons Can Harpoon Stuff Besides Whales

Wed, 2019-06-19 08:30

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Launching an ambitious new public relations campaign across multiple media platforms, a coalition of harpoon industry executives unveiled a plan Wednesday to rebrand their product by emphasizing to the public that harpoons can harpoon stuff besides whales. “For centuries, the average consumer has…

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