The Onion

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Nation’s Politicians, Law Enforcement, Corporate Executives Marvel At Futuristic Utopia They’re Living In

Wed, 2020-05-20 13:59

NEW YORK—Expressing disbelief that they were so fortunate to experience a true golden age of prosperity and technological wonder, the nation’s politicians, law enforcement officers, and executives marveled Wednesday at the futuristic utopia they get to live in. “To think that I have all this at my fingertips, whether…

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Pros And Cons Of Voting By Mail

Wed, 2020-05-20 13:09

Long-term social isolation plans due to the coronavirus pandemic have shined the spotlight on voting by mail for the remaining primaries and even the November elections, a process that is already used in some states but has its share of critics. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of voting by mail.

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Report: 0.004% Of Carbon Pollution Caused By Manufacturing Of ‘Mars Needs Moms’ Promotional Apparel

Wed, 2020-05-20 12:05

NEW YORK—Directly linking a small but measurable amount of environmental damage to the production of the animated feature’s promotional clothing, an Environmental Defense Fund report released Wednesday revealed that 0.004% of carbon pollution worldwide resulted from the manufacturing of apparel for the film Mars Needs

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The 10 Worst Bar Mitzvahs

Wed, 2020-05-20 10:41

July 20, 1991, Newton, MA: Attendees called Daniel Guterman’s ceremony “just plain embarrassing” for his entire family and “a colossal waste of time.”

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Good News, ‘Final Fantasy’ Fans: Looks Like They Made A Bunch Of Those Things

Wed, 2020-05-20 10:41

If you were among the millions of PlayStation 4 users who flocked to check out the Final Fantasy VII Remake, it’s natural that you were left yearning for a different chance to enjoy Square Enix’s incredible knack for storytelling flourishes and engrossing gameplay. Well, good news, Final Fantasy fans! It looks like…

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Conversation-Starved Man Finally Treating Bumping Into Coworker As Exquisite Treasure It Truly Is

Wed, 2020-05-20 10:39

CHICAGO—A deep appreciation dawning upon him as he came to understand the sheer wonder radiated by such a rare occurrence, conversation-starved man Ryan Kennedy reportedly finally treated bumping into his coworker as the exquisite treasure it is, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Oh, hey, Eric! Great to see you,” said the…

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Notre Dame To Reopen Campus For Fall Semester

Wed, 2020-05-20 10:14

One of the first major universities to outline plans to reopen campus following nationwide closures, Notre Dame announced its fall semester will start early and end by Thanksgiving, which administrators hope will minimize travel and reduce the likelihood of transmitting the coronavirus on campus. What do you think?

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Study Finds ‘Auld Lang Syne’ Good Enough Song To Be Belted Out On Other Occasions, Too

Tue, 2020-05-19 17:04

ATLANTA—Revealing that the Scottish standard was surprisingly versatile, the music department of Emory University published a new study Tuesday finding that Auld Lang Syne was a good enough song to be belted out on occasions other than New Year’s Eve. “According to our data, Auld Lang Syne sounds just as great at…

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U.S. To Combat Growing Disillusionment By Playing New National Pump-Up Anthem Throughout Country

Tue, 2020-05-19 16:05

The growing coronavirus death toll paired with weeks of social isolation is damaging the nation’s morale, but that all might be about to change. Hear how the U.S. plans to combat our collective sense of dread by blaring a brand-new national pump-up anthem at full volume across the country.

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Trump Says He Taking Hydroxychloroquine

Tue, 2020-05-19 15:58

President Trump told reporters he has been taking hydroxychloroquine for two weeks to prevent Covid-19, flouting its unproven nature and FDA warnings about its use outside of a hospital setting due to the risk of serious heart problems. What do you think?

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Growing Drug Tolerance Drives Trump To Buy Black-Tar Hydroxychloroquine Off Dealer In D.C. Metro Station

Tue, 2020-05-19 15:54

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the 800 mg tablets he’s been crushing up and snorting were no longer doing the trick, President Donald Trump was reportedly driven to buy black-tar hydroxychloroquine off a drug dealer in a D.C. metro station Tuesday due to his growing tolerance for the prescription medicine. “Come on,…

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Amazon Institutes New ‘Hero Tax’ Charging Essential Workers Additional $2 Per Hour For Honor Of Bravely Performing Job

Tue, 2020-05-19 13:18

SEATTLE—Calling it a “beautiful tribute” to the men and women who put their lives on the line every single day, Amazon instituted a new “hero tax” Tuesday, charging essential workers an additional $2 per hour for the honor of bravely performing their jobs. “Starting today, each and every hard-working, essential…

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‘This Is A Crazy Time, And It’s Okay If You’re Scared’ Says Man Burying Gagged Prisoner Alive

Tue, 2020-05-19 13:03

BUCKHORN, CA—Telling the visibly fearful man that his emotions were both valid and entirely understandable, local 32-year-old Kevin Stewart reportedly observed that it was a crazy time and okay to be scared as he spoke Tuesday to the bound and gagged prisoner he was burying alive in the remote wilderness. “Listen, I…

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High Production Values Most Suspicious Part Of Conspiracy Theory Video

Tue, 2020-05-19 11:28

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Noting that something just simply didn’t add up, local man Lucas Miller confirmed Tuesday that the most suspicious aspect of the conspiracy theory video he was watching was the high production values. “I admit I have my questions about what they’re hiding in the tunnels below the Denver Airport, but…

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10 Songs You Didn’t Know Were Written About Celebrities

Tue, 2020-05-19 10:53

“You Oughta Know” – Alanis Morissette (1995): While speculation has persisted for years regarding just whom Morissette was addressing in this timeless cut off the celebrated ’90s album Jagged Little Pill, the songwriter herself recently admitted what many had long suspected: The tune was written about renowned actor…

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Tips For Dealing With Zoom Fatigue

Tue, 2020-05-19 09:21
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Rusty LeBron James Unable To Identify A Basketball

Tue, 2020-05-19 09:18

LOS ANGELES—Repeatedly pointing at round objects around his house and noting that they looked familiar, rusty NBA superstar LeBron James reportedly took a clock off of his wall Tuesday and asked if it was a basketball after totally forgetting how to identify one. “Okay, it’s round, which is good, but I can’t remember…

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