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Updated: 17 hours 54 min ago

Coronavirus Reaches 6,000 Cases

Thu, 2020-01-30 18:24

In news that has resulted in Western nations recalling citizens and international businesses shuttering their China locations, the Wuhan coronavirus has reached over 6,000 cases, a level unseen since the SARS epidemic in 2002. What do you think?

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A Standstill In The Trial Of Harvey Weinstein

Thu, 2020-01-30 17:01

The trial of Harvey Weinstein has been suspended indefinitely after the presiding judge booked a huge role in an upcoming Hollywood blockbuster. Hear how the judge was able to land his big break.

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‘You’re A Piece Of Shit And I Hope Everyone Like You Dies,’ Says Biden To Democratic Voter In Stirring Call For Party Unity

Thu, 2020-01-30 16:51

OTTUMWA, IA—As part of his effort to reinvigorate the coalition that once put Barack Obama in the White House, presidential candidate Joe Biden issued a moving plea for party unity when he told a Democratic voter “You’re a piece of shit and I hope everyone like you dies,” reports confirmed Thursday. “Look here, pal,…

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Amazon Ring By The Numbers

Thu, 2020-01-30 15:26
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Recently Unearthed Ancient Sumerian Cuneiform Tablet Depicts Earliest Known Observance Of Ladies’ Night

Thu, 2020-01-30 15:17

KUWAIT—Recounting the ancient story of a group of traditional women going out and partying to reward themselves in Sumer’s nightlife district after a long day of weaving, an ancient Sumerian cuneiform tablet depicting the earliest known observance of Ladies’ Night was discovered Thursday by a team of archaeologists…

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Huh: There’s No Convention Or Anything In Town So This Guy Dressed Like Poliwhirl Must Just Dress Like This All The Time

Thu, 2020-01-30 14:19

Man, have we got a head-scratcher for you, gamers. A few reporters here at Onion Gamers Network recently caught wind of this man dressed as Poliwhirl standing at the corner of Elm and 4th Street, which made us think there must be some kind of Pokémon convention in town. Here’s the thing though: We checked everywhere,…

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U.S. Deficit Projected To Hit $1 Trillion In 2020

Thu, 2020-01-30 12:52

The Congressional Budget Office projected the country’s deficit will eclipse $1 trillion in 2020, raising concerns of fiscal imbalances spurred by recent White House tax cuts that largely favored the wealthy. What do you think?

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Elon Musk Rushes To Aid Of Overturned Tesla Pinned On Top Of Child

Thu, 2020-01-30 12:34

LOS ANGELES—Acting quickly to save his beloved creation, billionaire entrepreneur and engineer Elon Musk rushed to the aid of an overturned Tesla Model 3 Thursday that became immobilized on top of a 9-year-old child. “When I saw that poor helpless Tesla, with its segment-leading styling and advanced range, flipped…

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7.7 Magnitude Earthquake Strikes Jamaica, Cuba

Wed, 2020-01-29 15:07

The strongest earthquake on record in the Caribbean has struck Jamaica and Cuba, resulting in building evacuations and potential injuries, although reporting has yet to confirm the fallout’s magnitude. What do you think?

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A Coveted Endorsement In Iowa

Wed, 2020-01-29 14:51

The Democratic candidates are in Iowa this week, and they’re all vying for one big endorsement from an especially dreamy high school quarterback named Chad.

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New Podcast From ‘The Onion’ Renders Eyeballs Obsolete

Wed, 2020-01-29 14:51

CHICAGO—In what is being hailed as a media revolution that will forever change the way society is informed of current events, reports confirmed Wednesday’s debut of The Topical, a daily news podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, has rendered the human eyeball completely obsolete. According to historians,…

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Kushner Promises Israel Plan Will Relocate All Palestinians To Generous Swath Of Mediterranean Sea

Wed, 2020-01-29 14:14

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the proposal represented a “realistic two-state solution,” Jared Kushner held a press conference Wednesday to make assurances that the administration’s Israel plan would relocate all Palestinians to a generous swath of the Mediterranean Sea. “We have not forgotten about the Palestinian people,…

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Olive Garden Food Scientists Rapidly Running Out Of Foods To Scampi

Wed, 2020-01-29 14:01

ORLANDO, FL—Expressing concern that previous work in the field had pushed their most popular cooking technique far beyond its limits, research scientists at Olive Garden announced Wednesday that their latest data indicated they are rapidly running out of foods to scampi. “We’ve done shrimp, chicken, pasta, spring…

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Sanders Unveils Job-Training Program To Provide Meaningful Work To Low-Skilled Op-Ed Writers

Wed, 2020-01-29 12:41

WASHINGTON—Explaining that as president he would ensure his policies didn’t leave any Americans behind, Senator Bernie Sanders reportedly unveiled plans Wednesday for a job-training program that would provide meaningful work to low-skilled op-ed writers. “I understand that if I win the presidency, many Americans are…

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