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Top Reasons To Consider A Road Trip For Your Next Family Vacation

Tue, 2019-04-02 11:00

Vacations with your family can help you unwind and reconnect with loved ones, but they are often expensive and difficult to plan. Here are The Onion’s top reasons to consider taking a road trip for your next family vacation.

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Brett Kavanaugh Reiterates Cruel And Unusual Punishment What Makes Someone A True Kappa

Mon, 2019-04-01 16:15

WASHINGTON—In a statement confirming his support of the recent U.S. Supreme Court decision on lethal injection and the Eighth Amendment, Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh reiterated his belief Monday that cruel and unusual punishment was “what makes someone a true Kappa.” “The Amendments to the Constitution are full…

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Mueller Kinda Miffed That Barr Clearly Didn’t Read His Stuff Like He Said He Would

Mon, 2019-04-01 14:45

WASHINGTON—Irked that the attorney general’s brief summary of his meticulously written report reflected only a surface-level understanding of its contents, Special Counsel Robert Mueller told reporters Monday he was peeved that William Barr clearly didn’t read his stuff like he suggested he would. “I worked really…

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China Bans All Types Of Fentanyl

Mon, 2019-04-01 14:23

Fulfilling a pledge to President Trump, China has banned all versions of fentanyl, the powerful synthetic opioid that it has long allowed to be exported to America. What do you think?

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Purdue Pharma Reports Opioid Deaths Falling Short Of Quarterly Goals

Mon, 2019-04-01 14:06

STAMFORD, CT—Lamenting that the numbers were much lower than the company had anticipated, Purdue Pharma officials reported Monday that deaths from opioids had fallen well short of their quarterly goals. “For the third straight quarter, we’ve experienced a disappointing and underwhelming quantity of deaths among…

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Report Reveals Jesus Christ May Have Benefited From Father’s Influential Position To Gain High-Powered Role As Lord And Savior

Mon, 2019-04-01 12:09

NEW HAVEN, CT—In a groundbreaking new report on one of the most revered figures in religious history, top biblical scholars published findings Monday that suggest Jesus Christ may have relied on the influence of His well-connected father, God, to land His powerful role as Lord and Savior to mankind.

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Conservation Program Helps Struggling Rhinos Adapt To Modern Ecosystem By Retraining Them As Urban Scavengers

Fri, 2019-03-29 10:38

NAIROBI, KENYA—Warning that a complete overhaul of their skill set was necessary to survive in the 21st century, environmentalists announced a new conservation program Friday to help struggling rhinos adapt to the modern ecosystem by retraining them as urban scavengers. “Many of these animals simply aren’t equipped to…

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Disney Estate Uncovers Cache Of Anti-American Cartoons Intended For Release If Axis Won WWII

Fri, 2019-03-29 10:10

SAN FRANCISCO—In a shocking discovery certain to complicate the legacy of a national icon, the estate of Walt Disney announced Friday it had discovered a cache of anti-American cartoons the pioneering animator intended to release if the Axis Powers had triumphed in World War II.

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Bin Laden Vineyard Falling Into Disrepair

Fri, 2019-03-29 09:57

NAPA, CA—After being lovingly tended by generations of bin Ladens, the once-gorgeous Northern California vineyard upon which the late al-Qaeda founder Osama bin Laden’s family winery sits is now crumbling and covered with weeds, sources confirmed Friday. “Bin Laden Manor produced some of the finest wines Napa Valley…

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‘The Matrix’ Turns 20

Fri, 2019-03-29 09:52

March 31, 1999 saw the release of The Matrix, the sci-fi action film directed by the Wachowskis that went on to massive financial and critical success, spawning sequels and a host of other related media. The Onion looks back at big moments in the franchise on its 20-year anniversary.

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Goose Thinking Of Migrating Home A Couple Weeks Early To Avoid The Crowds

Fri, 2019-03-29 09:45

PINEVILLE, LA—Citing concerns over historically high seasonal traffic and the resulting potential flight delays, a Canada goose was thinking of migrating home two to three weeks early in order to avoid the crowds, avian sources confirmed Friday. “My friends think I’m a bit neurotic, but I just want a quiet,…

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How People Are Radicalized Online

Thu, 2019-03-28 10:12
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Self-Actualized Historians Urge Nation Not To Get Hung Up On The Past

Thu, 2019-03-28 09:37

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Warning that nothing was more dangerous than focusing on yesterday’s mistakes instead of being present right here and right now, self-actualized historians at Harvard University urged Americans not to get all hung up on the past. “Now more than ever, we must remember: A society that dwells on what it did…

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Man Entering Fog Of Insanity Asked If This His First Time At Dave & Buster’s

Thu, 2019-03-28 09:30

SOUTH BEND, IN—Stumbling through the restaurant and gaming establishment in a dazed and incoherent stupor, local man Rob Woodham, 31, reportedly slipped into a ghastly, blinding fog of insanity Thursday just before he was asked if this was his first time at a Dave & Buster’s location. “Can I get you a menu?” said a…

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God Admits Heaven Was Way Cooler In The ’70s

Thu, 2019-03-28 09:24

HEAVEN—Speaking with obvious nostalgia regarding the “raw and gritty” quality of his experiences in decades past, God the Almighty Creator confirmed Thursday that Heaven was “way cooler” in the 1970s. “Sure, there was a lot of more crime and corruption, but man, Heaven in those days felt way more authentic,” said the…

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