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Obama, Malala Among Headliners For Virtual Commencement

Tue, 2020-05-19 09:06

Telling graduates that they were uniquely equipped to confront the pandemic and create a better world, President Obama joined Malala Yousafzai, LeBron James, and dozens of other luminaries to toast the class of 2020 in a virtual commencement ceremony. What do you think?

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Americans React With Indifference After First Case Of Coronavirus Spreading To Pet Ferret

Tue, 2020-05-19 08:58

The coronavirus is claiming new victims today as the CDC announced the first confirmed case of Covid-19 in a ferret. Hear just how little of a shit Americans could give about the new discovery.

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Mount St. Helens’ Anniversary Brings Divided Nation Together To Remember Grisly Scene In ‘Dante’s Peak’ When Dude’s Elbow Pops Out

Mon, 2020-05-18 17:24

SKAMANIA COUNTY, WA—Reflecting on the 40th anniversary of the tragic eruption of Mount St. Helens, a divided nation was brought together Monday to solemnly remember the grisly moment in 1997’s Dante’s Peak when fictional character Harry Dalton’s elbow burst through the skin. “Wow, the sight of ash, smoke, and rocks…

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Stocks Rally On Hope For Coronavirus Vaccine

Mon, 2020-05-18 15:07

Positive news from a scientific trial by drug maker Moderna stoked optimism about a potential coronavirus vaccine, sending the Dow up more than 650 points, or 2.8%. What do you think?

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Recipe Calls For Banana As If Man Has Access To Fucking Caribbean Street Market

Mon, 2020-05-18 15:05

NEWPORT, OR—Bewildered at the inclusion of the tropical fruit among the required ingredients, local man Andrew Collins confirmed Monday that the muffin recipe he was baking called for bananas as if he had easy access to a fucking Caribbean street market. “Where the hell am I going to find one of those?” said Collins…

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Coworkers On Zoom Trapped In Infinite Loop Of Telling Each Other ‘Oh Sorry, No, Go Ahead’

Mon, 2020-05-18 13:44

LOS ANGELES—Coworkers at the advertising firm Horizon Group remained trapped in an infinite loop of telling one another “Oh sorry, no, go ahead,” during a morning Zoom teleconference, sources confirmed Monday. “No, no, my bad, definitely go ahead,” said copywriter Lance Reddick, pausing three hours into the apparently…

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Terrifying Implications: Leaked Nintendo Source Code Could Give Terrorists The Ability To Weaponize Kirby

Mon, 2020-05-18 13:20

Early May brought disturbing news for Nintendo fans everywhere as the company’s source code leaked only, exposing sensitive information ranging from detailed hardware specs to programming secrets. The loss of intellectual property has one terrifying possibility that should shock individuals across the globe: A rogue…

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Unplanned 2:30 A.M. Trip Through Steven Seagal’s Wikipedia Page Worth Every Goddamn Second

Mon, 2020-05-18 12:50

CHICAGO—Describing the experience as “pure joy” from start to finish, area woman Emma Calbert told reporters Monday her unplanned but fortuitous 2:30 a.m. trip through Steven Seagal’s Wikipedia entry, which kept her up later than usual last night, was worth every goddamn second. “I wound up there after stumbling…

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God Recalls Getting Start As Backup Dancer Before Making It Big As Deity

Mon, 2020-05-18 12:45

THE HEAVENS—Reflecting on how far He had come since His early days on the live music circuit, The Lord God Almighty spoke to reporters Monday, recalling his start as a backup dancer before He made it big as a deity. “It’s kind of crazy to think about it now, but back then, I was basically just a glorified extra in…

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51 Blank Slides

Mon, 2020-05-18 09:29
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New Research Indicates Coronavirus Did Not Spread From Pangolins

Mon, 2020-05-18 09:27

Scientists in China say genetic analysis proves that while pangolins are carriers of certain types of coronavirus, it is unlikely they are the direct source of the current outbreak of Covid-19 among humans. What do you think?

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Investigation Reveals Coronavirus Covering Its Tracks By Making Victims’ Deaths Look Like Car Accidents

Mon, 2020-05-18 08:40

An alarming investigation reveals the coronavirus may have been claiming victims in the United States even earlier than previously thought. Hear how Covid-19 has been covering its tracks by cutting people’s brake lines as far back as January.

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Drake Fans Accuse Kenny Chesney Of Manipulating Billboard Charts By Putting Effort Into Album

Fri, 2020-05-15 16:05

TORONTO—Calling the country singer’s place at the top of Top 200 completely illegitimate, fans of the rapper–singer Drake took to social media Friday to accuse Kenny Chesney of manipulating Billboard’s algorithm by putting effort into his album. “It’s just unfair that this guy could keep Drake from his rightful place…

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Nervous New Driver Going To Stick To Sidewalks Until He’s More Confident

Fri, 2020-05-15 15:18

PHOENIX—Clutching the steering wheel and remarking that it was just safer for everyone this way, nervous 17-year-old motorist Brendan McCormick told reporters Friday he planned to stick to sidewalks until he was more confident of his driving abilities. “Honestly, it’ll be a lot easier to learn the basics if I stay…

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Desperate Sports Fan Would Almost Be Willing To Watch Own Kids Play In Backyard At This Point

Fri, 2020-05-15 14:16

BETHLEHEM, PA—Worried that the lack of professional athletic events was beginning to chip away at his very sanity, deprived sports fan Kendall Moyer confirmed Friday that he would almost be willing to watch his own kids play in the backyard at this point. “Christ, I’m so starved for sports that I caught myself on the…

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