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Tips For Avoiding Harassment While Playing Games Online

Wed, 2019-06-19 07:00

Multiplayer gaming can be a stressful experience with the anonymity of the online world making trolls out of a surprising number of players. But with just a few simple techniques, you can restore the fun and excitement to any game. Here are a few tips to avoid harassment while playing online games.

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Turkish Restaurant Thrown Into Complete Disarray By Entry Of Single Customer

Tue, 2019-06-18 17:33

CHICAGO—Evidently perceiving a distinct change in the Turkish restaurant’s atmosphere, dinnertime sources confirmed that eatery Taste Of Istanbul was thrown into complete disarray Tuesday by the entry of a single customer. “A couple guys were sorting silverware as I walked in, but once they noticed me, they just…

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White House Claims Iran Behind Attack On Nancy Kerrigan

Tue, 2019-06-18 17:22

WASHINGTON—Blasting the Middle Eastern nation for the brutal assault on the Olympic figure skater, President Donald Trump claimed Tuesday that Iran was behind the infamous 1994 attack on Nancy Kerrigan. “It is because of the crazed actions of the Ayatollah that a world-class athlete was cut down in her prime,” said…

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Iran Threatens To Breach Nuclear Deal

Tue, 2019-06-18 15:33

Iran said Monday that it had begun enriching uranium and would violate the 2015 nuclear accord within weeks if efforts were not made to ease the damage done by United States sanctions, which themselves violated the deal. What do you think?

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ICE Argues Migrants In Camps Are Free To Die At Any Time

Tue, 2019-06-18 15:06

WASHINGTON—Defending the law enforcement agency from criticism about detaining thousands of people who had been living or seeking asylum in the U.S., Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials argued Tuesday that migrants in their camps are free to die at any time. “It’s been our position from the beginning that if…

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Heartbreaking: Dad Is Excited Out Of His Fucking Mind After Asking A Cab Driver In Aruba To Take Us Where The Locals Eat And Getting Dropped Off At What’s Basically An Olive Garden

Tue, 2019-06-18 12:50

It’s not often that you’ll see Dad genuinely, full-blown excited about something, and that honestly might be for the best, because right now he’s stoked as all hell and it is a pathetic sight to behold: Dad is excited out of his fucking mind after asking a cab driver in Aruba to take us where the real locals eat and…

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Crime Scene Forensic Investigator Reminds Officers To Stop Shooting At Dead Body Under Sheet

Tue, 2019-06-18 12:50

ST. LOUIS—Repeatedly telling them they were interfering with his duties, forensic investigator Albert Correo reminded several police officers at a crime scene Tuesday to stop shooting at the dead body under a sheet. “Listen to me, I’m trying to fingerprint this person so we can identify them, but it’s pretty hard to…

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Nike Unveils Size-Inclusive Mannequin Eating A 12-Inch Hoagie

Tue, 2019-06-18 11:56

BEAVERTON, OR—In what the sportswear giant is hailing as a company-wide embrace of body positivity, Nike announced Tuesday it would introduce its first-ever size-inclusive mannequin, a hefty male figure eating a 12-inch hoagie. “We want everyone to feel represented when shopping at a Nike store, so now each of our…

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Texas Instruments Announces New Plug-And-Play TI-83 Classic

Tue, 2019-06-18 11:30

Get ready for a blast of nostalgia! Texas Instruments just announced they’re launching a plug-and-play TI-83 Classic that comes preloaded with two dozen games such as ZTetris and 9sweeper.

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Rotten Apple

Tue, 2019-06-18 09:30
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O.J. Simpson Joins Twitter

Tue, 2019-06-18 09:00

O.J. Simpson joined Twitter this past weekend under the handle @therealoj32, noting that he hoped his presence would be “a lot of fun” and joking that he had “a little gettin’ even to do.” What do you think?

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Taylor Swift Inspires Teen To Come Out As Straight Woman Needing To Be At Center Of Gay Rights Narrative

Mon, 2019-06-17 16:51

UPPER ARLINGTON, OH—Describing how the pop singer’s latest music video provided the encouragement she had been looking for, local teen Gabriella Bowman was reportedly inspired Monday by Taylor Swift to come out as a straight woman needing to be at the center of the gay rights narrative. “As soon as the video for the…

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Sarah Huckabee Sanders Leaving White House

Mon, 2019-06-17 16:37

Ending a tenure marked by a combative relationship with the press and repeated fabrications, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be leaving her post at the end of the month. What do you think?

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White House Hires Top Hollywood Agent To Pitch Action-Packed, High-Concept War With Iran To American Public

Mon, 2019-06-17 16:26

LOS ANGELES—As part of their effort to sell an armed conflict that would be far bigger and more dramatic than anything modern audiences have seen, White House officials hired a top Hollywood agent Monday to help them pitch the American public on an action-filled, big-budget war with Iran.

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Boeing CEO Admits Company Made Mistake By Including Automatic Self-Destruct Function On All 737 Max Planes

Mon, 2019-06-17 14:56

CHICAGO—Acknowledging that certain practical considerations had been overlooked in production, Boeing president and CEO Dennis Muilenburg admitted at a press conference Monday that the company had made a mistake by including an automatic self-destruct function on all 737 Max airplanes. “At the time, we thought that…

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Dark, Sinister Underbelly Of Small Suburban Town Turns Out To Just Be Heroin Again

Mon, 2019-06-17 14:41

LUCERNE, NH—Residents of a sleepy village in southern New Hampshire reported their dismay Monday after the recent ominous rise of a dark, sinister underbelly in their small suburban town turned out to just be heroin again. “Lately, there’s just been a real foreboding sense that all wasn’t right around here and that…

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