The Onion

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Updated: 10 hours 36 min ago

I Guess I’m Only Tough On Stains Because My Dad Was So Tough On Me

Thu, 2019-03-28 09:14

I know at times I can come off a bit caustic and abrasive. For years, I had no idea where these destructive feelings and behaviors came from, but as I get older, I’m starting to realize it all stems from my youth. You see, when I was growing up, still an innocent and impressible bottle of laundry detergent, my dad…

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Family Members Locked In Heated Bidding War To Convince Cat To Sleep In Their Bed

Thu, 2019-03-28 09:11

CARY, NC—Competing to secure the new pet’s allegiance, members of the Thomas family were reportedly locked in a heated bidding war Thursday as each tried to convince their cat, Cookie, to sleep in their bed. “So far, I’ve provided the most perks—sneaking him extra scoops of food, offering him handfuls of catnip, and…

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Military Recruiter Fondly Recalls When He Was Just A Naïve Kid Being Coaxed Into Making Binding 8-Year Commitment To Fill Quota

Wed, 2019-03-27 10:38

CHESTERBROOK, PA—Regaling a group of prospective soldiers with tales from his youth, military recruiter Luke Coleman fondly recalled Wednesday when he was just a naïve kid being coaxed into making a binding eight-year commitment to the Army in order to fulfill a recruitment quota. “Man, I remember back when I was your…

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Pros And Cons Of Banning Bottled Water

Wed, 2019-03-27 10:32

Many cities, venues, and scholastic institutions have banned bottled water following campaigns by environmental groups, but critics warn such bans can have harmful unintended effects. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of banning bottled water.

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Trump Boys Defend Sending Saudi Arabia Plans For Cool Missile On Personal Etch A Sketch

Wed, 2019-03-27 10:22

WASHINGTON—Insisting that they had taken every measure to keep the message “extra top secret,” the Trump boys reportedly spent Wednesday defending their decision to send Saudi Arabia plans for a cool missile using their personal Etch A Sketch. “We spent, like, a million hours making that rocket look super good, so we…

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Bend In Road Not Sharp Enough To Merit So Many Roadside Memorials

Wed, 2019-03-27 10:18

CRYSTAL RIVER, FL—Claiming he found the turn to be well banked and cambered with perfect sightlines, motorist Calvin Henry declared Wednesday that a bend along Florida State Road 44 was definitely not sharp enough to warrant the dozen or so roadside memorials along its outside shoulder. “I mean, this is a pretty soft…

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Total Weirdo Leading Bracket Pool After Picking Teams She Analyzed And Predicted Would Beat The Others

Wed, 2019-03-27 10:09

HAVERFORD, PA—Expressing concerns about her odd behavior over the past few weeks, coworkers of Sheila Gottman confirmed Wednesday that the “total weirdo” was leading their office’s NCAA bracket pool after picking teams she analyzed and predicted would beat the others. “What kind of freak actually reads expert analysis…

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Apple Unveils Video Streaming Service

Wed, 2019-03-27 10:04

At an event at its Silicon Valley headquarters, Apple unveiled an expansive video streaming service including original programming created by Oprah Winfrey, Steven Spielberg, J.J. Abrams, and other notable filmmakers. What do you think?

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ISIS Fighter Dreading Smug Looks From Hometown Friends Who Told Him Caliphate Sounded Like Dumb Idea

Wed, 2019-03-27 10:01

BAGHOUZ, SYRIA—Returning from the battlefield in humilating defeat, ISIS fighter Abdul Habib al-Masri confirmed Wednesday that he dreaded the smug looks from his hometown friends who told him that establishing a caliphate sounded like a dumb idea. “Ugh, I talked a huge game about how I was going off to build a…

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EPA Reveals 37% Of Water Waste Nationwide Caused By Husky Kids Doing Cannonball Into Country Club Pool

Wed, 2019-03-27 09:58

WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on efforts to conserve the vital natural resource, a report released Wednesday by the Environmental Protection Agency found that 37 percent of all water waste in the United States results from husky kids doing a cannonball into the pool at a country club. “Our data indicate more than a…

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Embarrassed Comcast CEO Just Tells People He Does Digital Media Stuff

Tue, 2019-03-26 16:07

PHILADELPHIA—Saying he is always too embarrassed to get into the specifics of what he actually does for a living, Comcast CEO Brian Roberts confided to reporters Tuesday that whenever he is asked about his job, he just says he does digital media stuff. “It’s honestly pretty boring, so I usually tell people I work at a…

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Michael Avenatti Arrested For Attempted Extortion Of Nike For $20 Million

Tue, 2019-03-26 16:02

Michael Avenatti, former attorney for adult film star Stormy Daniels, was accused this week of a $20 million extortion scheme against Nike. What do you think?

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Liberal Feels Like Idiot For Placing Entirety Of Hopes On Mueller Probe Instead Of New York Prosecutors’ Investigation

Tue, 2019-03-26 13:22

MORENO VALLEY, CA—Kicking himself for focusing all his energy on the wrong thing, local liberal Brian Whitmore reportedly felt like an idiot Tuesday for placing the entirety of his hopes on Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s probe into President Trump instead of the New York state prosecutors’ investigation. “I can’t…

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U.S. Army Now Just Chasing Single Remaining ISIS Soldier Around Ruins Of Syrian Village

Tue, 2019-03-26 13:13

BAGHUZ, SYRIA—In an effort to track down and eliminate the last militant staking claim to a caliphate in the region, American-backed coalition forces confirmed Monday they were chasing a single remaining ISIS soldier around the ruins of a small village in Syria. “This cagey individual has been using all kinds of…

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National Friends Alliance Vigorously Defends Right To Have Great Time Palling Around With Buddies

Tue, 2019-03-26 11:43

WASHINGTON—Insisting that at no point in the organization’s history had its mission been more important, members of the National Friends Alliance held a press conference Tuesday in which they offered a forceful defense of the freedom to pal around with your buds and have a great time. “For nearly 250 years, the NFA…

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Habitat For Eternity

Tue, 2019-03-26 11:29
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Shocked Vladimir Putin Slowly Realizing He Didn’t Conspire With Trump Campaign

Tue, 2019-03-26 11:18

MOSCOW—Saying that he had been “totally blindsided” by the revelations from the recently released findings of the Mueller investigation, a shocked Vladimir Putin reportedly came to the realization Tuesday that he didn’t conspire with Donald Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign after all. “What the hell? I worked so hard…

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Finland World’s Happiest Country In 2019

Tue, 2019-03-26 11:11

According to the 2019 World Happiness Report, Finland ranks as the happiest country in 2019, while the United States comes in at 19th and South Sudan ranks last. What do you think?

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Doctor Alarmed By How Little Time Family Needed To Decide To Pull Plug On Grandfather

Tue, 2019-03-26 11:03

ST. PAUL, MN—Taken aback by the lack of questions and discussion, Dr. Angela Rosen of St. Joseph’s Hospital confirmed Tuesday that she was distressed by how quickly the family of 96-year-old Norman Green arrived at the decision to terminate end-of-life care for the ailing World War II veteran. “Before I even had time…

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5 Things To Know About ‘Dumbo’

Tue, 2019-03-26 09:02
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