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Updated: 17 hours 51 min ago

Biggest Video Game Letdowns Of All Time

Wed, 2020-01-29 12:25

Any gamer worth their mettle has learned how to cope with disappointment. For every overhyped shooter that blows us away, there are a thousand Brute Forces or Daikatanas that teach us to never again trust an E3 presentation. But even with our tempered expectations, there are still some releases that leave us wincing…

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Lost Grandfather With Dementia Found Hundreds Of Miles Away From Home Wandering International Space Station

Wed, 2020-01-29 12:21

SADDLE RIVER, NEW JERSEY—In a continuation of his alarming tendency to wander off as a result of his advanced dementia, grandfather of nine Cy Gottlieb, 85, was found hundreds of miles from home Wednesday when authorities discovered him wandering around the International Space Station. “We are happy to report that…

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Aaron Rodgers Pledges To Dedicate Off-Season To Growing As Brand Ambassador

Wed, 2020-01-29 12:13

MALIBU, CA—Promising that he wouldn’t let outside distractions interfere like in the past, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers pledged Wednesday to dedicate his off-season to growing as a brand ambassador. “You know, we went far pretty this season, but we ultimately fell short of our sales goal and some of…

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Cow In Really Great Shape

Wed, 2020-01-29 12:02
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Chris Matthews Warns Bernie Sanders Victory Runs Risk Of Making Him Look Stupid 2 Elections In A Row

Tue, 2020-01-28 19:12

NEW YORK—Cautioning voters against walking down such a dangerous path without fully understanding the potential consequences, MSNBC pundit Chris Matthews warned Hardball viewers Tuesday that Bernie Sanders winning the Democratic party’s nomination would run the risk of making him look stupid in two consecutive…

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White House Rolls Out Middle East Peace Plan

Tue, 2020-01-28 18:26

Amidst a visit by current Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and his electoral opponent Benny Gantz, the Trump administration rolled out its long-awaited Middle East peace plan despite outcry that the plan received little input from Palestinian leaders. What do you think?

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Joni Ernst Insists She Hasn’t Seen Any Impeachment Evidence That Has Changed Her Self-Serving Political Calculus

Tue, 2020-01-28 17:37

WASHINGTON—Suggesting that she was likely to vote to acquit, Sen. Joni Ernst (R-IA) told reporters Tuesday that she still hadn’t seen any evidence in the impeachment process that had changed her self-serving political calculus. “I’ve kept an open mind from the beginning, but nothing I have seen thus far has altered…

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Key Players In Trump’s Impeachment Trial

Tue, 2020-01-28 16:50

The House of Representatives approved articles of impeachment against President Donald Trump on December 18, 2019, then sent those articles to the Senate for a formal trial, a process that has involved a whirlwind of figures from Congress, the legal world, and Trump’s orbit. The Onion provides a guide to the key…

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Bolton Book Confirms Trump Tied Aid To Biden Investigation

Tue, 2020-01-28 16:04

Providing a powerful piece of evidence in the case against President Trump, a new book by former National Security Advisor John Bolton contains the bombshell claim that the president personally tied foreign aid to Ukraine launching an investigation into former Vice President Biden. What do you think?

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New Evidence Reveals Library Of Alexandria Kicked Out Dozens Of Creepy Old Romans For Looking At Pornographic Images On Abacus

Tue, 2020-01-28 15:13

OXFORD—Shedding new light on the history of one of antiquity’s most renowned archives, researchers at Oxford University announced Thursday the discovery of new evidence suggesting that the Library of Alexandria was forced to kick out dozens of creepy old Romans for viewing pornographic images on abacuses. “Oxford…

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10 Easy Exercises You Can Do At The Office

Tue, 2020-01-28 14:42

Finding time in your schedule to work out can be difficult, which is why performing a few easy exercises at the office can be the perfect way for a busy person to stay in shape. For example, sneak in a low-impact training session during a weekly budget meeting by doing a few sets of lunges.

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CBS Inks Deal For 30-Episode Bloomberg Ad

Tue, 2020-01-28 14:31

NEW YORK—Citing its productive relationship with the multibillionaire in the two months since he announced his candidacy, CBS officials confirmed Tuesday that the network had inked a deal to air a 30-episode advertisement for Michael Bloomberg’s presidential campaign. “We’ve had a great run with Mayor Bloomberg’s…

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PBS Snooze Hour

Tue, 2020-01-28 10:30
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Seattle Mariners Offhandedly Suggest Astros’, Red Sox’ Titles Be Awarded To Them Instead

Tue, 2020-01-28 10:00

SEATTLE—Repeatedly noting that they were just throwing the idea out there and not saying whether it was bad or good, the Seattle Mariners released a statement Tuesday offhandedly suggesting that the tainted World Series titles of the Astros and Red Sox could be awarded to them instead. “I know this is a tough,…

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Black-Metal Fan Conflicted About Supporting Artist Who’s Never Been Convicted Of Murder

Tue, 2020-01-28 08:00

ATHENS, GA—Saying he was torn over whether he could ethically support an artist who lacks a criminal record, local black-metal fan John Eaby told reporters Tuesday he was conflicted about listening to the band Hargenthoth, whose lead vocalist, Thorl Draugar, has never once been convicted of murder. “Seriously, how am…

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Polling Shows Sanders Surpassing Biden In Iowa, New Hampshire

Mon, 2020-01-27 18:37

Challenging the former vice president’s front-runner status, four recent polls show Senator Bernie Sanders leading the presidential race in both New Hampshire and Iowa, states that are considered potential keys to framing the trajectory of the eventual Democratic nomination. What do you think?

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