The Onion

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Updated: 13 hours 12 min ago

Deal Alert: A Beluga Whale Beached Itself With A Stomach Full Of Classic N64 Cartridges

Tue, 2019-09-03 07:30

Gamers, you’re definitely going to want to check this out: A beluga whale just beached itself on the Quebec shore and its stomach is absolutely packed with dozens of vintage N64 cartridges. We’re talking Goldeneye, Starfox 64, Paper Mario, F-Zero X, all available for free to any gamers willing to head to Hudson Bay…

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Democrats Launch New ‘Listen Up, Hayseeds’ Campaign To Connect With Rural Voters

Mon, 2019-09-02 11:00

EMPORIA, KS—Unveiling the new nationwide messaging strategy after six months of planning and research, the Democratic Party launched its “Listen Up, Hayseeds” campaign Monday to win over rural voters. “Hey, you redneck simpletons, put down your whittling sticks, drag yourself away from the Cracker Barrel, and let us…

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Teenagers Making Out In Park Have No Idea What The Hell They’re Doing

Mon, 2019-09-02 10:30

CARY, NC—Clumsily slobbering over each other like ham-fisted amateurs, a pair of teenagers sighted making out in the park Monday had absolutely no idea what the hell they were doing, dismayed onlookers confirmed. “From what I can see, they’re just shoving fingers into each other’s half-open mouth while he laboriously…

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Unconscious Amazon Employee Chastised For Not Filing Time-Off Request

Mon, 2019-09-02 09:30

SPARROWS POINT, MD—Informed by his manager that he would be let off with a warning this time, unconscious Amazon warehouse employee Anthony Cargill, 41, was reportedly chastised Monday for failing to file a time-off request. “We shouldn’t have to remind you that all warehouse employees are required to inform a…

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Going Too Far?: Nintendo Has Responded To Complaints That Marth Is Too Overpowered In ‘Smash’ By Giving Him Fibromyalgia

Mon, 2019-09-02 09:00

Looks like this is a rough week for all the Marth mains out there: Nintendo has finally done something about the longstanding complaints that he is too overpowered, but it appears they may have gone too far by giving him fibromyalgia, a chronic disorder that involves frequent musculoskeletal pain, fatigue, and…

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Report: This To Be History’s Last-Ever Reference To 19th-Century Seamstress Florence Shadewell

Mon, 2019-09-02 09:00

NEW YORK—Noting that her name shall be unspoken from this moment until the end of the Earth, History decreed Tuesday that this very instance shall constitute its final mention of seamstress Florence Shadewell (1808-1872) who lived her life in the poorer environs of London, dying childless and unloved, without…

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Phone Companies Partner With All 50 States To Fight Robocalls

Fri, 2019-08-30 15:31

Every major phone company in the country has partnered with the 50 states to address illegal robocalls through call-blocking and call-labeling technologies. What do you think?

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Heroic Secret Service Agent Takes Bull Intended For President

Fri, 2019-08-30 12:34

WASHINGTON—Placing his own body between the head of state and a mortal threat without a single thought or moment’s hesitation, Secret Service agent Dan McGuire took a bull intended for President Donald Trump Thursday as they crossed the White House lawn. “I remember seeing suspicious movement out of the corner of my…

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Famous Instances Of Censorship In U.S. History

Fri, 2019-08-30 12:29

Universal Pictures’ recent decision to shelve the film The Hunt in the face of protests from President Trump and others has put the spotlight on media and cultural censorship in America. The Onion takes a look at famous instances of censorship in U.S. History.

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Horrified Amazon Worker Awakes From Warehouse Accident To Find Jeff Bezos Welding Mechanical Limbs Onto Stumps Where Arms Used To Be

Fri, 2019-08-30 12:10

SEATTLE—Following an incident in which the employee was severely injured and rendered unconscious by a 30-foot fall from a ladder, horrified warehouse worker Paul Diaz awoke from heavily medicated sleep Friday to find Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos welding robotic limbs onto the stumps where his arms once were. “Not to worry,…

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Centipede Tearing Ass Across Floor Must Be Really Late For Something

Fri, 2019-08-30 12:02

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Noting that the little fucker must be in some seriously deep shit to be booking it like that, local man Albert Chu told reporters Friday that the centipede tearing ass across his floor must be really late for something. “I dunno if he slept through a meeting or if he forgot to pick up his centipede kids…

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Marriott Phasing Out Tiny Plastic Toiletry Bottles

Fri, 2019-08-30 10:30

In a policy change that will remove an estimated 1.7 million pounds of plastic waste, Marriott International, the world’s largest hotel chain, announced that it plans to eliminate its small plastic shampoo, lotions, and soaps and replace them with larger reusable containers. What do you think?

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Hardcore Weezer Fan Hates Everything Band Has Released Since Forming

Fri, 2019-08-30 09:00

OAKLAND, CA—Stressing that the band had gone downhill since the days they came into existence, hardcore Weezer fan Nathan Staples told reporters Friday that he has hated everything the band released since their formation in 1992. “Yeah, frankly, I think they stopped being good right around the self-titled debut, and…

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A True War: EA Reveals The Next Battlefield Game Will Take Place In A Divorcing Family

Fri, 2019-08-30 08:30

Big news, Battlefield fans! After months of speculation, EA made a splash this week when they revealed the next treacherous setting for the long-running franchise. According to an EA spokesperson, Battlefield will finally tackle one of the most brutal wars of all time by taking place in a middle-class family torn…

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U.S., Taliban Close In On Peace Deal

Thu, 2019-08-29 15:15

The Taliban and the United States are “close” to a peace agreement in their talks that would see a gradual withdrawal of American forces and set the stage for establishing power-sharing with the Afghan government, according to a source at the talks. What do you think?

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