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Xi Jinping Vows To Combat Coronavirus By Making It Illegal To Mention Within A Week

Mon, 2020-01-27 17:07

BEIJING—In an effort to assuage concerns about how his government has handled the deadly disease outbreak, Chinese president Xi Jinping held a press conference Monday to announce plans to combat the coronavirus by making it illegal to mention within the next week. “We are directing massive resources towards…

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Experts Unable To Determine Why Someone As Rich As Justin Bieber Even Needs To Believe In God Anymore

Mon, 2020-01-27 16:00

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Explaining that the evidence “simply does not add up,” experts at Harvard Divinity School told reporters Monday that they were unable to comprehend why someone as rich as Justin Bieber even needs to believe in God anymore. “According to our research, there’s no possible explanation as to what a divine…

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Billie Eilish, Lizzo Win Big At 62nd Annual Grammys

Mon, 2020-01-27 15:28

Billie Eilish, Lizzo, Willie Nelson, and Cage the Elephant were among those honored for major awards at the 62nd annual Grammys, an event that was marred by behind-the-scenes scandal amidst claims of sexual harassment and voting rigging. What do you think?

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Parents Impressed By How Big Baby Has Gotten After Just 16 Months Of CrossFit

Mon, 2020-01-27 14:51

CHESTNUT HILL, MA—Marveling at the clear results they’ve seen since his September 2018 birth, parents Stephen Larrimore and Allison Zeitz told reporters Monday they were impressed by how big their baby, Payton, had gotten after just 16 months of the CrossFit strength and conditioning program. “I remember when he was…

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Excitement Builds Around New PlayStation After Leaked Images May Show Your Long-Lost Father Holding A PS5

Mon, 2020-01-27 13:21

There’s been tons of fevered anticipation from Sony fanboys about the next generation of PlayStation, but that hype is about to hit a whole new level with a recent leak that appears to include photographs showing your long-lost father holding a PS5.

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Mike Pompeo: ‘There Is Overwhelming And Undeniable Evidence To Support Going To War With Whoever’

Mon, 2020-01-27 13:09

WASHINGTON—Citing rapidly escalating tensions, increasing frequency of treaty violations, and deteriorating diplomatic relations across the board, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo stated Monday that the United States has overwhelming and undeniable evidence to support going to war with whoever. “Make no mistake: America…

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CDC Urges Americans To Just Say No If Friend Offers Them Coronavirus

Mon, 2020-01-27 12:35

ATLANTA—In an effort to stop the spread of the potentially lethal pathogen, the Centers for Disease Control held a press conference Monday to urge Americans to just say “No” if a friend offers them the coronavirus. “While it may seem cool to be seen around the park or the mall with a runny nose and hacking cough,…

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Treble Clef Honored With Lifetime Achievement Award During 62nd Annual Grammy Ceremony

Sun, 2020-01-26 23:03

LOS ANGELES—Entering the stage of the Staples Center to raucous applause and a standing ovation, the Treble Clef was honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award during the 62nd annual Grammy Awards on Sunday night. “It is a great honor for me to be bestowing this award to one of the greatest living musical symbols of…

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Out-Of-Touch, Aging 24-Year-Old Keeps Trying To Fit In With Cool Kids At Grammys

Sun, 2020-01-26 22:15

LOS ANGELES—Recalling how the weird, creepy 24-year-old just kept milling around and introducing himself as the “Sunflower guy,” several young artists told reporters Sunday that an out-of-touch, aging Post Malone kept desperately trying to fit in with the cool kids at the 62nd annual Grammy Awards. “It’s just kind of…

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Grammys Accused Of Bias Toward Music That Accurately Represents What Nation At Large Listening To

Sun, 2020-01-26 21:18

AUSTIN, TX—Faced with allegations that it has repeatedly given preferential treatment to widely enjoyed artists and music, the 62nd annual Grammy Awards was formally accused Sunday of showing an unfair bias toward nominees that accurately represent what the nation at large is listening to. “I swear, the Recording…

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China Locks Down 6 Cities To Combat Coronavirus

Fri, 2020-01-24 17:26

In an effort to combat the spread of a virus that has already been detected in more than 500 citizens, the Chinese government has locked down transportation in or out of six coronavirus-infected cities, including Wuhan, Hubei’s capital of 11 million people where the virus first emerged. What do you think?

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Liberals Say Sanders’s Acceptance Of Rogan Endorsement Sends Dangerous Message He Trying To Win Election

Fri, 2020-01-24 17:22

WASHINGTON—Slamming the campaign for promoting the popular podcaster’s backing, liberals said Friday that Bernie Sanders’s acceptance of Joe Rogan’s endorsement sends a dangerous message that the candidate is trying to win the 2020 presidential election. “This is just the Sanders campaign opening the gates to a…

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