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Updated: 2 hours 59 min ago

Wisconsin Bars Reopen Following State Supreme Court Decision

Fri, 2020-05-15 14:13

Patrons packed bars in celebration after the Wisconsin Supreme Court voted 4-3 to invalidate an extension to the governor’s stay-at-home order, though several counties issued their own orders in an effort to control the spread of coronavirus. What do you think?

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Helpful HR Email Offers Employees Tips For Ignoring Mental Health

Fri, 2020-05-15 11:30

OAKLAND—Emphasizing that the staff’s output and productivity were of the utmost importance to management at this time, employees at tech company SeedFund confirmed Friday that HR had sent them a helpful email offering tips for ignoring their mental health. “During these trying times, if you’re ever feeling…

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500-Mile Dead Zone Found Off Atlantic Coast Linked To Runoff From Olive Garden Alfredo Pipe

Fri, 2020-05-15 11:19

FENWICK ISLE, DE—Warning that even creatures as small as krill have been completely eradicated by the contamination, scientists at the NOAA confirmed Friday that a growing 500-mile dead zone off the Atlantic coast has been linked to runoff from Olive Garden alfredo pipes. “This stretch of coastline has been completely…

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74 Normal Photos And 2 Kinda Weird Ones

Fri, 2020-05-15 09:00

Normal one.

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The 11 Best Games To Play For The Nintendo Switch

Fri, 2020-05-15 08:43

Did you just pick up a Nintendo Switch? Are you looking over the plethora of titles at your disposal and wondering what to play? Well, OGN has you covered with our definitive list of the 11 greatest titles to own for the Nintendo Switch. Click on, gamers, for your answers!

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Record Number Of Women Running For U.S. House In 2020

Fri, 2020-05-15 08:32

At least 490 women have filed to run for seats in the House of Representatives this year, breaking the previous record set during the 2018 election that saw 102 women win their races, though Congress is still roughly 75% men. What do you think?

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Democrats Praise Joe Biden For Being Only Candidate Able To Talk Down To Americans Like The Stupid, Slack-Jawed Dumdums They Really Are

Fri, 2020-05-15 08:28

He’s the man Democrats have chosen to take on Trump in November, but just what was Joe Biden’s secret to winning the nomination? Hear how the former vice president was able to unite party support by treating voters like a bunch of know-nothing shit-for-brains.

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Florida Governor Deploys National Guard To Force Residents Back Into Malls, Movie Theaters

Thu, 2020-05-14 14:56

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Proclaiming that he simply could not allow people to remain in their homes any longer, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis announced Thursday he had deployed the National Guard to force state residents back into shopping malls, movie theaters, restaurants, and other public spaces. “Today I have ordered both the…

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113-Year-Old Beats Coronavirus

Thu, 2020-05-14 14:25

Maria Branyas, a supercentenarian believed to be the oldest woman in Spain, confirmed in a video that she has survived a mild case of coronavirus, saying that “in terms of my health I am fine, with the same minor annoyances that anyone can have.” What do you think?

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Most Popular Sleep Aids

Thu, 2020-05-14 14:22
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Police Still Investigating What Happened Between Officer Discharging Weapon And Suspect’s Head Exploding

Thu, 2020-05-14 12:59

NEW YORK—Telling reporters that the department was doing everything it could to search for answers, the NYPD confirmed Thursday that it was still investigating what occurred between an officer discharging his weapon and a suspect’s head exploding. “What we know is that officers on the scene had an interaction with an…

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11 Greatest Sports Moments Made Possible By PEDs

Thu, 2020-05-14 12:55

The Miracle On Ice (1980): In arguably the greatest upset in sports history, a group of amateur college hockey players pulled off the “Miracle on Ice” after defeating the mighty Soviet Union 4-3 during the 1980 Winter Olympics in Lake Placid. While undoubtedly playing with incredible heart and determination, Team USA…

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Updated Patriot Act Finally Legalizes 80% Of Current FBI Operations

Thu, 2020-05-14 11:13

WASHINGTON—In a 59-37 vote that reauthorized provisions from the 2001 legislation and added several new measures, Congress reportedly passed an updated Patriot Act Wednesday that finally legalized 80% of current FBI operations. “The newly upheld Patriot Act augments current surveillance practices by expanding into…

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Nurse Wearing Snoopy Scrubs, Floral Face Mask To Work Must Think Pandemic Some Kind Of Joke

Thu, 2020-05-14 11:04

PORTLAND, ME—Speculating that the health worker simply did not grasp the gravity of the current situation, sources confirmed Thursday that Lauren Witters, a nurse wearing Snoopy-themed scrubs and a floral face mask while working at Maine Medical Center, must think the Covid-19 pandemic is some kind of joke. “We’re in…

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Differences Between The Stock Market And The Economy

Thu, 2020-05-14 11:04

As the coronavirus pandemic continues to cause widespread disruptions, many have noticed that the country’s stock market and economic situation, which would ostensibly reflect each other, seem to reflect entirely different situations. The Onion looks at the differences between the stock market and the economy.

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Signs Of Sickness

Thu, 2020-05-14 09:00
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New Windex Formula Promises To Kill Twice As Many Birds

Thu, 2020-05-14 08:57

The popular glass cleaner has a new formula out, and thanks to the inclusion of bait and bird seed, it may be Windex’s most efficient bird killer to date. Hear just how many long-beaked sons of bitches we were able to take out with the stuff.

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