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Ignorant Man Who Has Learned Nothing From History Excited About ‘Star Wars: Jedi Fallen Order’

Mon, 2019-06-17 13:39

Looks like someone hasn’t been paying attention! Brett Winston, a deeply ignorant man who has apparently learned nothing from history, told friends this week that he’s excited about the upcoming Electronics Arts title Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order.

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Nike Touts New Sports Bra With Latest Breast-Crushing Technology

Mon, 2019-06-17 13:31

BEAVERTON, OR—Claiming their new extra-supportive workout garment represents a huge step forward for women in athletics, Nike unveiled a new sports bra Tuesday showcasing the absolute latest in breast-crushing technology. “Our new state-of-the-art FlattenX sports bra guarantees that your breasts will be not only…

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‘That’s It? What The Heck Was That?’ Says Dad In Scorched-Earth Review Of Movie You Suggested Family Watch Together

Mon, 2019-06-17 13:26

PHILADELPHIA—Exhaling and rolling his eyes in exasperation as the credits to Listen Up, Phillip rolled, your father said “That’s it? What the heck was that?” in remarks Monday constituting a scorched-earth capsule review of the movie you suggested your family watch together. “What exactly did you just show me? Is this…

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Veteran Kind Of Surprised Killing All Those People Didn’t Give Him Even A Little PTSD

Mon, 2019-06-17 11:06

FORT WASHINGTON, PA—Expressing disbelief over how well he’s adjusted to civilian life, 33-year-old Marine Corps veteran Aaron Anunoby said Monday he was a little surprised that killing all those people during his years in Afghanistan didn’t leave him with even a mild case of post-traumatic stress disorder. “I always…

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How The Hell Did They Get That? There’s Somehow An Actual Roller Coaster At The Church Carnival This Year

Mon, 2019-06-17 10:10

The summer carnival at St. Mary’s Church in Grand Forks, ND is usually just a standard-fare church carnival consisting of small rides and basic games, but the church just upped the ante in a major way: They somehow managed to get an actual goddamn roller coaster this year.

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Japan Bans Flying Drones While Drunk

Mon, 2019-06-17 09:30

Japan has passed a ban on flying drones while drunk, threatening to fine intoxicated drone users up to $3,000 and comparing operating drones after consuming alcohol to drunk driving. What do you think?

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Every Picture On Man’s Tinder Clearly From Same Event Where He Dressed Up

Mon, 2019-06-17 09:00

NEW YORK—After realizing all six images featured the man sporting a gray blazer over a blue button-down, Tinder sources confirmed Monday that every picture on the dating profile of user Rajesh Jayaram was clearly taken at the same semi-formal event. “Jesus, he’s just wearing this floral-pattern shirt in every single…

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Krill-Eating Whale Too Fucking Cowardly To Prey On Something Its Own Size

Mon, 2019-06-17 08:00

PACIFIC OCEAN—Noting that the “pathetic jerk” evidently couldn’t be bothered to engage in a fair fight, onlooking ocean life confirmed Monday that a local krill-eating humpback whale was too fucking cowardly to prey on something its own size. “Wow, real mature. Why don’t you go after something that weighs more than…

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Federal Watchdog Recommends Removal Of Kellyanne Conway

Fri, 2019-06-14 15:55

Due to her violation of the Hatch Act by disparaging Democratic candidates, Kellyanne Conway should be removed from office, according to a recommendation by the Office of the Special Counsel, a federal watchdog agency. What do you think?

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Huckabee Sanders Tells Colleagues She’s Taking Temporary Post As Google CEO Before Transitioning Into Full-Time Role As Sultan Of Brunei

Fri, 2019-06-14 14:49

WASHINGTON—Informing those in her professional life of her career plans, outgoing White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders reportedly told colleagues Friday she would be serving for a time as CEO of Google before gradually taking on a permanent position as the sultan of Brunei. “It’s been the honor of my…

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How The American Diet Has Changed Over Time

Fri, 2019-06-14 14:44

The American diet, often criticized for its unhealthiness, has changed significantly over the course of the nation’s existence due to technological breakthroughs, scientific research, and lifestyle developments. The Onion takes a look at how the American diet has changed over time.

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Blizzard Bringing Back Original ‘World Of Warcraft’ So Thousands Of Gamers Can Relive Most Depressing Era Of Their Lives

Fri, 2019-06-14 14:13

Get ready to hop in a time machine to 2006, WoW fans: Blizzard announced that they are bringing back the original World Of Warcraft so thousands of gamers can relive the most depressing era of their lives.

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‘One Day This Will All Be Yours,’ Says Buzz Aldrin While Showing Great-Grandson Around Moon

Fri, 2019-06-14 14:06

MONTES APENNINUS, THE MOON—Gazing upon the stark beauty of the land, retired astronaut Buzz Aldrin announced “one day, this will all be yours” to his great-grandson Nathaniel Friday while taking him on a brief tour around the Moon. “From the Tycho Crater to the Oceanus Procellarum, this land is your birthright as an…

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Warriors Attribute Finals Loss To Durant’s Ruptured Achilles, Klay’s Torn ACL, Curry Being Hit By Bus Near End Of Game 6

Fri, 2019-06-14 14:02

OAKLAND, CA—Reviewing the circumstances that led to their defeat by the Toronto Raptors in the NBA Finals, the Golden State Warriors attributed their series loss to forward Kevin Durant rupturing his Achilles, guard Klay Thompson tearing his ACL, and guard Steph Curry being hit by a bus near the end of game six. “No…

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Report: Make It Stop

Fri, 2019-06-14 13:49

EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Thursday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too…

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New Study Finds Humans Could Lose Vestigial Heads In Less Than 100 Years

Fri, 2019-06-14 13:42

DURHAM, NC—Shedding new light on the seemingly useless appendage, evolutionary biologists at Duke University published the results of a study this week in which they concluded that humans could lose their vestigial heads in less than 100 years. “We’re not exactly sure what purpose the head serves. Some say we need…

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