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Experts Warn Hurricane Dorian Could Devastate Florida’s Wild Sea-Doo Population

Thu, 2019-08-29 15:10

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—With Hurricane Dorian now expected to make landfall in Florida as a Category 4 storm, wildlife experts warned Thursday that the state’s wild Sea-Doos were at risk. “The vast majority of Florida’s native Sea-Doos mate and reproduce in low-lying coastal areas that could be ravaged by Dorian,” said…

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Everything You Need To Know About ‘Death Stranding’

Thu, 2019-08-29 14:05

As the brainchild of one of the industry’s leading minds, Hideo Kojima’s mysterious Death Stranding might be the must-have title of 2019. But in true Kojima fashion, with each newly released trailer, the game’s plotline and gameplay only get more mysterious. So let OGN break down everything you can possibly know about

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YouTuber’s Enthusiasm Clearly Flagging By 45th Minute Of ‘Ride The Lightning’ Guitar Solo Lesson

Thu, 2019-08-29 13:58

KENT, OH—As the musician on the screen lost his place and restarted for the third time, sources confirmed Thursday that YouTuber Ryan Prescott’s enthusiasm during his video tutorial on the guitar solo from Metallica’s “Ride The Lightning” was definitely flagging by the time he hit the 45-minute mark. “He was pretty…

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Breaking: The Onion Has Detected A Virus On Your Computer

Thu, 2019-08-29 12:41

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that a complete scan of your memory storage had found spyware that could harm your data and compromise your privacy, a late-breaking report released Thursday confirmed that The Onion has detected a virus on your computer and the only way to make your personal computer safe for use was to download…

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‘Yeah, I Totally Wore These On The Moon,’ Says Buzz Aldrin Selling Old Pair Of Gym Socks To Complete Sucker For $500,000

Thu, 2019-08-29 11:00

BREVARD COUNTY, FL—Trying to hold back laughter while explaining how the garments were knit out of “proprietary NASA materials that are specially optimized for zero gravity,” Buzz Aldrin was reportedly selling a pair of old gym socks for $500,000 to a complete sucker Thursday, assuring him that he “totally” wore them…

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CNN Schedules 7-Hour Climate Change Town Hall

Thu, 2019-08-29 10:00

Days after the Democratic National Committee opted against hosting a climate-focused debate, CNN announced plans for a lengthy town hall allowing all eligible candidates a platform to address the often-overlooked crisis. What do you think?

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Newly Founded Steyer Institute For Political Research Poll Finds Tom Steyer Leading 2020 Democrats At 95%

Wed, 2019-08-28 16:34

NEW YORK—Describing the former hedge fund manager as the most popular candidate across every single demographic group, a poll released Wednesday by the recently formed Steyer Institute for Political Research concluded that 95% of registered Democrats support Tom Steyer for president. “After conducting an objective and…

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Study Finds Most Effective Method Of Overcoming Procrastination Having Overseer Beat You Whenever You Stop Working

Wed, 2019-08-28 14:58

CHICAGO—Revealing that the practice of physical intervention helped to inspire focus and concentration, a new study released by the University of Chicago’s Department of Psychology on Wednesday found that the most effective method of overcoming procrastination was a beating delivered by an overseer whenever you stop…

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Poll Finds Sanders, Warren Now Tied With Biden

Wed, 2019-08-28 14:50

Though several other polls found that Biden maintains a significant lead, a Monmouth University poll suggested that Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and Joe Biden are now deadlocked for first place. What do you think?

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Case Keenum Wins Redskins Starting Job With Heartfelt ‘What I Like Most About Football Is’ Essay

Wed, 2019-08-28 14:29

WASHINGTON—Impressing coaches and teammates alike with his passion for the game and proper spelling, quarterback Case Keenum won the Redskins starting job Wednesday with a heartfelt essay entitled “What I Like Most About Football Is.” “We went through a bunch of submissions, but Case’s heartfelt five-paragraph essay…

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Hostages’ Eyes Glazing Over Halfway Through Serial Killer’s Explanation Of Complex Game They Going To Play

Wed, 2019-08-28 09:00

SEATTLE—Finding themselves unable to focus after only a few minutes of listening, the eyes of a group of hostages began glazing over Wednesday during a lengthy explanation of a deadly game they were about to play with their serial-killer abductor. “It started out simply enough with him declaring the only rule was kill…

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Pros And Cons Of Banning Cars In Cities

Wed, 2019-08-28 08:30

Concerns about the effects of cars on cities have led to more cities around the world, including Madrid, Paris, and Mexico City, partially banning cars in certain areas or on certain days, but opponents say the practice has many negative consequences. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of banning cars in cities.

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Man Guesses If Anyone Ever Calls Him Out On Privilege He’ll Just Make Up Something About Being Molested

Wed, 2019-08-28 08:00

AKRON, OH—Revealing a strategy for protecting himself from criticism, local man Blake Cotton reportedly speculated Wednesday that if anyone ever calls him out on privilege, he’ll just make something up about being molested. “I mean, if someone ever tells me to think about how my position as a white male informs my…

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Johnson & Johnson Pledges To Push Uppers For Couple Decades To Even Things Out

Tue, 2019-08-27 16:59

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—After a state court found the company liable for $572 million in damages for its role in Oklahoma’s opioid crisis, consumer healthcare giant Johnson & Johnson announced Tuesday it would push uppers for the next decade or two in an effort to even everyone out. “We went way too hard on the downers,…

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