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Compassionate Trump Issues Full Presidential Pardon For Robert Mueller

Mon, 2019-03-25 18:38

WASHINGTON—Exercising his powers of clemency for the first time since taking office, President Trump compassionately issued a full presidential pardon Monday for former Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller that cleared him of any wrongdoing. “Today, under my authority as president of the United States, I hereby grant a…

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Man Who Spent Last 2 Years Drawing Pictures Of Trump And Putin Making Out Beginning To Realize Just How Wrong He’s Been

Mon, 2019-03-25 17:36

BOULDER, CO—Admitting he now felt “a bit foolish,” 34-year-old local artist Austin Vermillion was reportedly beginning to realize Monday just how wrong he’s been after spending the last two years drawing pictures of Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin making out. “In light of the release of the Attorney General’s summary…

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William Barr Declares Mueller Investigation Fully Exonerates Members Of Reagan Administration From Iran-Contra Involvement

Mon, 2019-03-25 17:25

WASHINGTON—Following the completion of the special counsel’s 22-month probe, Attorney General William P. Barr declared Monday that Robert Mueller’s investigation fully exonerates all members of Ronald Reagan’s presidential administration from involvement in the Iran–Contra affair. “I’ve reviewed Mr. Mueller’s findings…

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Mueller Finds No Evidence Of Trump–Russia Conspiracy, Attorney General Says

Mon, 2019-03-25 16:01

While stopping short of a full exoneration, Robert Mueller’s investigation found no evidence of collusion between the president and Russia in the 2016 election, according to a summary from Attorney General William Barr. What do you think?

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Retiring Rob Gronkowski Admits He’ll Miss Teammates’ Blurry Faces, Fans Spinning Perpetually In The Stands

Mon, 2019-03-25 12:57

FOXBORO, MA—In an emotional speech announcing his retirement after a nine-year NFL career with the New England Patriots, Rob Gronkowski reportedly admitted Monday that he’ll miss his teammates’ blurry faces and the fans spinning perpetually in the stands. “It’s really hard to know that I’ll never again stumble off the…

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Google Announces Gaming Platform Called Stadia

Mon, 2019-03-25 11:07

Google has announced Stadia, a gaming platform and controller that they claim will provide better-than-console quality graphics to web browsers through high-quality streaming. What do you think?

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‘Apex Legends’ Players Finally Getting Good Enough To Make Game Impossible For Average People To Enjoy

Mon, 2019-03-25 11:00

BRANFORD, CT—After countless hours memorizing the map, familiarizing themselves with the various weapons, and refining tactics for all character mixes, the skill of top Apex Legends players reached the point this week where the game is impossible for average people to enjoy. “It’s really gratifying that I’m good…

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Woodstock 50 Announces Lineup

Fri, 2019-03-22 16:32

The 50th anniversary concert of Woodstock announced its lineup this week, including headliners The Killers, Dead & Company, and Jay-Z as taking part in a commemoration of the historic ’60s concert. What do you think?

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Serta Wholesaler Lets Customers Cut Their Own Length Of Mattress

Fri, 2019-03-22 16:28

HOFFMAN ESTATES, IL—In an effort to eliminate the middleman and sell directly to the public, a new Serta wholesaler that opened Friday reportedly allows customers to select and cut their own lengths of mattresses. “I like that I have the flexibility to get just the amount I want instead of being confined to the…

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Study Reveals That Girls Who Play Princess Grow Up With Skewed Perceptions Of The Role Of Modern Monarchy In A Democratic Society

Fri, 2019-03-22 14:26

NEW YORK—Shedding new light on the environmental factors influencing women’s views of royal privilege and responsibility, a study released Friday by New York University’s Department of Psychology found that the majority of girls who play princess develop skewed and possibly unrealistic perceptions of the role of the…

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Myspace Loses All Content From Before 2016

Fri, 2019-03-22 14:24

Due to an alleged server error, social network Myspace has lost millions of photos, videos, and songs published on the website before 2016. What do you think?

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MTA Unveils New Designated Seating For Commuters Who Look Like They’re About To Snap

Fri, 2019-03-22 14:21

NEW YORK—In a move touted as a major victory for the rights of New Yorker public transportation passengers who are this close to fucking losing it, the Metropolitan Transit Authority unveiled a new designated seating system Friday designed to accommodate commuters who seem to be just about to snap. “For too many…

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Zion Williamson In Panic After Realizing Game Falls On Same Night As Theater Club Production

Fri, 2019-03-22 11:34

COLUMBIA, SC—Frantically pacing and weighing the fallout of skipping the game, Duke forward Zion Williamson was panicking Friday after realizing his NCAA tournament game against North Dakota State falls on the same night as his theater club’s production of In The Heights. “Oh man, oh man, I can’t believe this is…

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Pros And Cons Of Breaking Up The Big Tech Companies

Fri, 2019-03-22 10:44

A recent proposal by Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren to break up big tech companies like Apple, Google, and Amazon has revived debate over whether they have too much power. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of breaking up the big tech companies.

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Trump Backs Release Of Mueller Report

Thu, 2019-03-21 16:59

While fielding questions from journalists, President Trump stated that he looks forward to the release of the investigation into the 2016 election, saying, “Let it come out. Let people see it—that’s up to the attorney general.” What do you think? 

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Trump Ramps Up Attacks On John McCain By Dragging Senator’s Exhumed Corpse Behind Motorcade

Thu, 2019-03-21 15:20

WASHINGTON—Doubling down on his criticism of the departed lawmaker in the face of bipartisan condemnation, President Trump ramped up his attacks Thursday against the late John McCain by exhuming the senator’s corpse and dragging it behind his presidential motorcade. “I’m having some trouble understanding the strategy…

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