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Melting Giraffe Congressman Warns Impeachment Distracting From Surreal Issues

Fri, 2020-01-24 15:53

WASHINGTON—Arguing that a protracted congressional trial wasn’t in the best interests of everyday floating nude Americans, melting giraffe congressman Fauna Anuaf reportedly warned Friday that focusing on the impeachment of President Donald Trump was distracting from the surreal issues. “When there are so many people…

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The Onion’s 2020 Grammy Predictions

Fri, 2020-01-24 15:39

The 62nd annual Grammy Awards will take place this Sunday, Jan. 26, honoring the best artists, albums, and songs from the past year. Here are The Onion’s predictions for the 2020 Grammy Awards.

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Weinstein Defense Attorney Implores Jury To Remember How Fun ‘Pulp Fiction’ Is

Fri, 2020-01-24 15:21

NEW YORK—In a passionate rebuttal to the many graphic accounts of sexual assault and rape leveled at her client, attorney Donna Rotunno delivered a forceful argument Friday imploring the trial’s jurors to keep in mind how fun disgraced producer Harvey Weinstein’s 1994’s Pulp Fiction was. “Ladies and gentlemen of the…

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Doomsday Clock Set To 100 Seconds To Midnight

Fri, 2020-01-24 15:15

Citing the growing threat of climate change and looming threat of nuclear war, the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists’ Science and Security Board set the doomsday clock to 100 seconds to midnight, the closest the clock has been to humanity’s metaphorical destruction since its creation in 1947. What do you think?

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Trump Makes Powerful Pro-Life Case By Speaking About The Joys Of Neglecting A Child

Fri, 2020-01-24 14:28

WASHINGTON—Speaking to thousands of March For Life protesters assembled on the National Mall, President Donald Trump took to the stage Friday to make a powerful pro-life case about the joys of neglecting a child. “Of course, I’m a father, and I had my thoughts about terminating them all, but I’m standing before you…

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Eli Manning Retires From NFL To Focus On Being Statistically Average Father

Fri, 2020-01-24 13:20

SUMMIT, NJ—Saying his kids deserved to have a committed, half-decent parent who was around from time to time, New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning announced his retirement from the National Football League Friday in an effort to focus on being a statistically average father. “I’ve had a good run and instead of…

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Want To Live To 100? Why?

Fri, 2020-01-24 11:33
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Trump Lifts Obama-Era Protections Trapping Gangthor The Malevolent In Tomb Deep Within Murky Depths Of Pacific Ocean

Thu, 2020-01-23 20:15

WASHINGTON—Denouncing his predecessor’s water regulations as overly restrictive, President Donald Trump announced Thursday he was lifting protections enacted by the Obama administration to permanently entomb Gangthor the Malevolent in a murky trench deep below the Pacific Ocean. “These horrible rules created by Barack…

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Judge Denies Dismissal Of Lewdness Charges For Woman Found Topless In Own Home

Thu, 2020-01-23 18:00

Judge Kara Pettit rejected the dismissal of charges against Utah resident Tilli Buchanan, a woman charged with lewdness after her stepchildren found her topless beside her husband while installing insulation in their garage. What do you think?

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Nuclear Scientists Fucking Around In Friend’s Backyard Run Away After Stuffing Fission Bomb Into Coke Can

Thu, 2020-01-23 16:11

LOS ALAMOS, NM—Giggling as they made sure the atomic explosive’s tritium-deuterium ignition module had been properly engaged, nuclear scientists employed at Los Alamos National Laboratory were seen sprinting away from ground zero after stuffing a fission bomb into a can of Coca-Cola in a friend’s backyard Friday. “Oh…

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‘Kingdom Hearts III’ DLC Developers Panicking After Realizing ‘Shrek’ Not Owned By Disney

Thu, 2020-01-23 15:53

After spending countless hours integrating elements from the popular 2001 animated fantasy film into role-playing game Kingdom Hearts III’s upcoming DLC, Japanese developer Square Enix reportedly spent Thursday thrown into a state of panic after realizing Shrek is not owned by Disney but rather by DreamWorks…

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U.S. Joins One Trillion Tree Pledge

Thu, 2020-01-23 15:31

President Trump announced plans for the U.S. to join the One Trillion Tree initiative launched at the World Economic Forum as a means to combat climate change, a move that environmentalist such as Greta Thunberg said were “good” but were not an effective method of addressing the warming planet compared to ending…

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New Comcast Bundle Deal Includes 24/7 Live-In Technical Support

Thu, 2020-01-23 14:57

CHICAGO—In response to ongoing complaints of unexpected outages and subpar customer service response times, cable provider Comcast debuted a new bundle deal Thursday that includes 24/7 live-in technical support. “After analyzing customer feedback, we’ve realized that expecting our customers to set aside a six-hour…

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Last Remaining Chinese Paddlefish Cackling In Rafters Of World Wildlife Fund Press Conference Declaring It Extinct

Thu, 2020-01-23 12:42

GLAND, SWITZERLAND—Sneering with delight from a darkened catwalk far above the audience, the final remaining Chinese Paddlefish was reportedly cackling Thursday in the rafters of a World Wildlife Fund press conference declaring it extinct. “Look at those fools down there with their phony tears and empty words, little…

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Kellyanne Conway Suggests MLK Would Have Opposed Trump Impeachment

Wed, 2020-01-22 17:05

Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway told reporters that Martin Luther King Jr. would not have supported current impeachment efforts if he were alive today, saying Dr. King’s promotion of harmony between peoples would have led him to oppose “tear[ing] the country apart through an impeachment process and a lack of substance…

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Justice Roberts Sternly Admonishes Impeachment Participants To Remember They’re At Complete Farce Of A Trial

Wed, 2020-01-22 16:25

WASHINGTON—After he gaveled the Senate to order Wednesday afternoon, Chief Justice John Roberts sternly admonished both President Trump’s counsel and House impeachment managers to remember they were participating in a complete farce of a trial. “As you address members of this deliberative body, please bear in mind…

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Financial Experts Recommend Just Waiting Until Chaos Is Law Of The Land

Wed, 2020-01-22 15:41

NEW YORK—Cautioning against making any rash investment decisions before the entire fabric of society falls apart and anarchy reigns supreme, financial experts recommended Wednesday to hold off on buying or selling and wait until chaos is the law of the land. “While you may be tempted to dive into the stock market now,…

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