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Amazon Deforestation Reveals Tribe Of Isolated Rich Sociopaths Completely Untouched By Consequence

Tue, 2019-08-27 14:35

MANAUS, BRAZIL—Widespread human-caused fires that have decimated over 1,300 square miles of Amazon rainforest in the year 2019 alone revealed a small tribe of isolated rich sociopaths who are completely untouched by consequence, sources confirmed Tuesday. “As the impact of deforestation continues to grow, a team…

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New ‘Stars Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker’ Trailer Released

Tue, 2019-08-27 14:23

Lucasfilm has released a new trailer for the highly anticipated concluding installment of the new Star Wars trilogy, teasing characters Rey and Kylo Ren clashing in a dramatic, rain-swept battle as well as the final appearance of Carrie Fisher. What do you think?

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Review: The Incredible Realism Of ‘Control’ Gives Players The Ability To Make Characters Walk In Whatever Direction They Want And Interact With The World Around Them

Tue, 2019-08-27 13:01

When Sony and Remedy Entertainment announced the 2019 release of the new action-adventure shooter Control at E3, they promised players an immersive gaming release unlike anything the industry has ever offered. After getting the chance to play it myself, I can now say unequivocally that Control delivers on that promise…

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Obama Releases Summer Playlist

Tue, 2019-08-27 12:28

As it has become a yearly tradition, former president Barack Obama released a playlist of his and Michelle’s favorite songs of the summer, featuring musicians including Lizzo, Maggie Rogers, and Lil Nas X. What do you think?

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A Miss Is As Good As A Miley

Tue, 2019-08-27 12:26
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School Administration Reminds Female Students Bulletproof Vests Must Cover Midriff

Tue, 2019-08-27 12:02

HUNTINGTON, WV—Explaining that such suggestive armor was inappropriate for an educational environment, Huntington High School officials reportedly reminded female students Tuesday that their bulletproof vests must cover their midriffs. “We’ve been seeing some students wearing revealing bulletproof vests, so I just…

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Man Overcomes Fear Of Public Urination

Tue, 2019-08-27 11:03

STAMFORD, CT—Reminding himself that everything will be okay if he simply pushes through his sense of impending doom, local man Alex Clemson took the last steps necessary Tuesday to overcome his long-standing fear of public urination during a visit to Fort Stamford Park. “In the past, I always froze up at crucial…

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2019 VMAs Full Of People You Don’t Know, You Desiccated Corpse, You Putrid Crone, You Might As Well Be Dead

Mon, 2019-08-26 20:00

LOS ANGELES—In a sign that the world has finally passed you by, sources confirmed Monday that this year’s 2019 MTV Video Music Awards featured an endless stream of people you don’t know, you withered corpse, you putrid crone, you might as well be dead and rotting in the dirt. “Tonight, the world honors singers and…

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Republican Joe Walsh Announces 2020 Primary Challenge To Trump

Mon, 2019-08-26 18:20

Conservative radio show host and former representative Joe Walsh announced he will run against President Trump in 2020, presenting himself as a more palatable alternative after apologizing for a rash of controversial past statements such as questioning President Obama’s religion and calling him a Muslim. What do you

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Obama Upholds In-Office Tradition By Releasing 2019 Summer Kill List

Mon, 2019-08-26 17:06

WASHINGTON—Continuing a practice that he followed as president, Barack Obama reportedly upheld an old in-office tradition Saturday by releasing his 2019 summer kill list. “I’ve been busy with other things, so it’s not as extensive a kill list as some I released back when I was president, but I hope you find who I’ve…

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Bird Owner Assures Guests He Sometimes Lets Parakeet Out Of Cage To Fly Around House In Frantic Search For Freedom

Mon, 2019-08-26 13:56

BLUEFIELD, WV—In an attempt to address any fears they might have about the animal’s welfare, local man Roger Carlisle reportedly assured his houseguests Monday that he sometimes opens his parakeet’s cage so the bird can flutter around the house in a frantic and doomed bid for freedom. “Don’t worry, I know the cage…

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Furious Jeff Bezos Reams Out ‘Washington Post’ Editors After Catching Another Copy-Editing Mistake

Mon, 2019-08-26 13:43

WASHINGTON—Explaining how this was the third error he’s caught since opening up the morning edition, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly reamed out the Washington Post editors Monday after catching another copy-editing mistake. “I’m only three sentences into this article about stock futures in Africa, and there’s already…

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World Leaders Eagerly Await As G7 Organizers Announce Raffle Drawing For Nintendo Switch

Mon, 2019-08-26 13:16

BIARRITZ, FRANCE—As the three-day global conference drew to a close, the world leaders present at the G7 summit eagerly waited Monday as the event’s organizers announced the raffle drawing for a Nintendo Switch. “Oh man, I’ve been wanting a Switch so bad, and Parliament won’t give me any money to buy one, so I put…

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Teary Andrew Luck Describes Fighting Through Searing Pain He Experiences During Every Excruciating Moment In Indianapolis

Mon, 2019-08-26 12:59

INDIANAPOLIS—Admitting that he could not take the physical and mental punishment anymore, Colts quarterback Andrew Luck tearfully described years of fighting through the searing pain he experiences during every moment spent in Indianapolis. “Day in and day out, it takes a lot out of you—it’s been seven years of…

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Roger Goodell Admits Job Would Be Easier If He Watched Football

Mon, 2019-08-26 12:22

NEW YORK—Conceding that many facets of the game still felt completely foreign to him, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell admitted Monday that his job would probably be a lot easier if he actually watched football. “Honestly, it’s really tough to get a handle on what’s a good rule change because I’m really not that big a…

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Parent Struggling To Find Good Reason Why 5-Year-Old Shouldn’t Be Afraid Of Starting School

Mon, 2019-08-26 09:30

FREDERICKSBURG, TX—Searching her brain for even the slightest upside, local parent Sarah Bolen found herself struggling Monday to find a good reason why Sophia, her 5-year-old daughter, should not be afraid of starting the first grade. “Don’t worry, there’s nothing to be scared of, other than constant judgment from…

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Sarah Huckabee Sanders To Join Fox News As Contributor

Mon, 2019-08-26 09:00

Former White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced she will will join Fox News as a contributor next month, increasing the ties between the White House and that network. What do you think?

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