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Health Officials Close Restaurant That Opened For Mother’s Day

Wed, 2020-05-13 16:24

The health department in Castle Rock, Colorado shut down C&C Coffee and Kitchen this weekend after the owners held a Mother’s Day event in defiance of state coronavirus safety orders, packing their seating area with unmasked customers. What do you think?

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10 Morally Reprehensible Turtles Who Deserved To Get Their Heads Stuck In Plastic Rings

Wed, 2020-05-13 14:51

Sad? Don’t be. This turtle isn’t some innocent creature whose majestic life was cut short by an insidious plastic ring. He’s a good-for-nothing son of a bitch who has done some horrible shit beyond your wildest imagination.

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Family Can Trace Ancestry Back To Whatever The Hell Grandma Was Talking About

Wed, 2020-05-13 14:48

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Explaining the limited extent of their genealogical knowledge, members of the Dunbar family confirmed Wednesday that they could trace their ancestry back to whatever the hell it was that grandma was always talking about. “We start to lose track of our family origins around the time that Grammy always…

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Prize Hog Doesn’t Know How She Can Retain Competition-Ready Body For Another Year

Wed, 2020-05-13 12:46

HEDRICK, IA—After the upcoming county fair and its swine show were postponed indefinitely due to the coronavirus pandemic, sources confirmed Wednesday that prize hog Myrtle doesn’t know how she can retain her competition-ready body for another year. “I’ve been training for months with a very strict feeding and…

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10 Over-The-Top Letters From The Alphabet

Wed, 2020-05-13 11:13

Q: Yikes! Just letting it all hang out. Embarrassing.

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Disgusting Bigotry: The Media Is Only Blaming This Bat For Coronavirus Because He’s A Gamer

Wed, 2020-05-13 11:05

Politicians and reporters have long used video games as a scapegoat for policy failures and broader societal missteps. Sadly, it looks like that pattern of bigotry towards gamers—long a source of contention in the industry—has even extended to the recent Covid-19 pandemic. Indeed, in an all-too-predictable…

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What To Know About The Killing Of Ahmaud Arbery

Wed, 2020-05-13 09:35

The February 23 fatal shooting of Georgia man Ahmaud Arbery and the arrests of two white suspects two months later have drawn national attention for the nature of the crime and public officials’ handling of the case, particularly after video evidence of the killing became public. The Onion looks at what you need to…

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Eric Trump Requests Meeting With Barron To Determine Whether They Are Uncle And Nephew Or Brothers Or What

Wed, 2020-05-13 09:33

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to solve a longstanding source of confusion, Eric Trump reportedly requested a formal meeting with Barron Trump Wednesday to determine whether they are uncle and nephew or brothers or what. “Dear sur [sic], so I know we both have the same last name, which is Trump, so does that make you my…

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Episode Of Cooking Show Implying Pastry Chefs Some Sort Of Oppressed Minority

Wed, 2020-05-13 09:30

LOS ANGELES—Insinuating that there exists a social ladder upon which people who prepare gourmet desserts for a living occupy the lowest rung, a recent episode of the Bravo series Top Chef strongly implied that pastry chefs were some sort of oppressed minority. “Everyone is underestimating me because I trained as a…

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Pennsylvania Becomes 3rd State To Fully Outlaw Child Marriage

Wed, 2020-05-13 09:26

Pennsylvania governor Tom Wolf signed a bill banning anyone under 18 from obtaining a marriage license, ending a previous exception that allowed 16- and 17-year-olds to marry with parental consent and making Pennsylvania one of just three states to fully ban child marriages. What do you think?

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Damning Report Finds White House Ignored Skeletal Horsemen Galloping Through Sky As Early As January

Wed, 2020-05-13 09:23

Did the White House act soon enough? That’s the question being asked today after this report revealed the Trump administration may have been ignoring tell-tale apocalyptic signs since the beginning of the year.

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Dr. Fauci Warns Of Needless Suffering And Death If America Allowed To Continue

Tue, 2020-05-12 16:46

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the dire consequences should the sovereign nation remain in existence, NIAID director Dr. Anthony Fauci warned the public Tuesday of needless suffering and death if America were allowed to continue. “Let me be clear, if the United States of America persists into 2021, not only will many people…

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White House Will Require Everyone Except Trump To Wear Mask In West Wing

Tue, 2020-05-12 14:03

The Trump administration updated guidelines this week requiring employees to wear face masks when entering the West Wing following news that two staffers had tested positive for coronavirus, though the policy will not apply to either President Trump and Vice President Mike Pence. What do you think?

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Report: Mary Grace, Get Your Ass Back Inside This Goddamn Instant

Tue, 2020-05-12 11:16

ECKERTY, IN—According to a blistering new report issued Tuesday through the screen door of a local front porch, Mary Grace had better get her ass back inside right now, right this goddamn instant, if she knows what is good for her. “I done told you twice already, Mary Grace: Put down that stick, wipe the mud off your…

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Eighth Grader Would Have Cranked Classroom Pencil Sharpener Few More Times If She Knew That Going To Be Last Chance

Tue, 2020-05-12 10:41

DENVER—Reflecting on the simple pleasure that she would likely never experience again, area eighth-grader Francesca Jaffe told reporters Tuesday that she would have cranked the classroom pencil sharpener a few more times had she known it was going to be the last chance she’d get. “Man, if you’d have told me in March…

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National Grandpa Council Allocates $300 Million To Provide Each American Some Walkin’ Around Money

Tue, 2020-05-12 10:39

WASHINGTON—Urging citizens not to spend it all in one place, the National Grandpa Council announced Tuesday a plan to allocate $300 million to provide each American with some walkin’ around money. “We heard you all have been working very hard lately, so we thought you deserved a few clams to treat yourselves to…

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