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Updated: 10 hours 42 min ago

Man Annoyed At Being Mistaken For Employee Just Because He Driving Forklift Through Store

Fri, 2019-06-14 12:09

EPPING, NH—Expressing frustration over all the people approaching him asking for assistance, local man Dan McDermott was annoyed Friday at being repeatedly mistaken for an employee just because he was driving a forklift through his local Costco. “God, I’m just trying to mind my own business and transport crates of…

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DNC Committee Throws Bound Jay Inslee Onto Melting Iceberg Before Pushing Him Out To Sea

Fri, 2019-06-14 12:06

ANTARCTICA—Cackling as they stuffed a rag into the Democratic governor’s mouth and tied his hands behind his back, the DNC committee reportedly tossed a bound Jay Inslee onto a melting iceberg Friday and pushed him out to sea. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t my good friend Mr. Inslee! Tell me, sir, as a Democratic…

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Golfer Can Never Remember If He’s Matt Kuchar Or Brooks Koepka

Fri, 2019-06-14 11:23

PEBBLE BEACH, CA—Scouring the leaderboard to find a name that looked familiar, a professional golfer playing at the U.S. Open Friday admitted that he can never remember if he’s Matt Kuchar or Brooks Koekpa. “I know I’ve won the U.S. Open, so there’s a good chance I’m Koekpa, but I know Brooks is a Nike guy, and it…

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Radiohead Releases 18 Hours Of Own ‘OK Computer’ Demos

Fri, 2019-06-14 08:00

After being threatened by a hacker who had stolen the audio files, Radiohead has released 18 hours of demos documenting the creation of classic album OK Computer in support of the climate fund Extinction Rebellion. What do you think?

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Kellyanne Conway Decides To Lie Low Until Rule Of Law Dies Down

Thu, 2019-06-13 18:03

WASHINGTON—Following a special counsel recommendation that the White House counselor be fired for violating the Hatch Act, Kellyanne Conway reportedly decided Thursday to lay low until the rule of law dies down. “All I gotta do is keep a low profile and power through until the laws governing this country have no…

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Zach Braff, Alyssa Milano Call Out Trump For Far More Effectively Pivoting To Politics To Save Floundering Career

Thu, 2019-06-13 16:49

LOS ANGELES—Publicly castigating the president for outstripping their own efforts, media luminaries including Zach Braff and Alyssa Milano held a press conference Thursday in which they criticized Donald Trump for his far superior ability to pivot to politics to save his floundering career. “It’s a national…

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Canada Bans Keeping Whales, Dolphins In Captivity

Thu, 2019-06-13 16:34

In a move being hailed by animal rights advocates, Canada’s Parliament passed legislation banning whales, dolphins, and porpoises from being bred or held in captivity. What do you think?

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Report: U.S. Death Rates From Drugs, Suicide, And Alcohol Have Greatly Increased, But Not In A Cool Rock And Roll Way

Thu, 2019-06-13 15:56

WASHINGTON—Outlining an alarming trend in which record amounts of American deaths from substance abuse and self-harm aren’t even rooted in raising hell, a report by the Commonwealth Fund published Thursday revealed that U.S. death rates from drugs, suicide, and alcohol have greatly increased, but not in a cool rock…

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Sun Thought Pasty Fuck Learned His Lesson Last Summer

Thu, 2019-06-13 15:13

RICHMOND, VA—Admitting it didn’t expect to “see [him] so soon after the beating [his] pale ass took,” the sun expressed surprise Thursday upon discovering that pasty fuck Arnold Walden, 33, had apparently failed to learn his lesson from last summer. “Well, well, well. Look who brought his exposed, lily-white neck back…

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Favorite Games We Got To Play At E3 2019

Thu, 2019-06-13 14:58

We got our hands on some of the most must-play titles of the year at E3 2019. After a lengthy discussion, here are the OGN team’s favorite titles from our time playing on the convention floor.

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Atlantic Records Sends Cease-And-Desist Order To Woman Using Lizzo’s ‘Juice’ As Her Personal Anthem

Thu, 2019-06-13 13:42

LOS ANGELES—Saying that the legal action should serve as a stern warning to all those who exploit the hard work of musicians, Atlantic Records sent an official cease-and-desist order Thursday to a local woman, 28-year-old Ana Sanchez, accused of using Lizzo’s single “Juice” as her personal anthem. “From her insistence…

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USDA Secretary Rings Nationwide Dinner Bell For Y’all To Get In Here

Thu, 2019-06-13 12:24

BONAIRE, GA—In an effort to summon all 325 million citizens in from the fields for supper time, USDA Secretary Sonny Perdue rang the nationwide dinner bell Wednesday evening right at 6 p.m. for y’all to get in here. “Hoo-ee, hoo-ee! Come on in! Get it while it’s hot!” shouted Perdue, making sure to ring it loud enough…

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Pence Visits Conversion Therapist For Routine Gay-Preventative Checkup

Thu, 2019-06-13 09:43

WASHINGTON—Sitting in the waiting area while ignoring the screams he heard emanating from the exam room, Vice President Mike Pence reportedly visited his conversion therapist Thursday for a routine gay-preventative checkup. “I feel completely heterosexual right now, but I still like to visit the doctor every six…

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How To Fix The Supreme Court

Thu, 2019-06-13 09:42
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Pence Defends Decision To Ban Flying Pride Flags At U.S. Embassies

Thu, 2019-06-13 09:36

Vice President Mike Pence defended the State Department’s recent choice to ban flying rainbow flags outside U.S. embassies in celebration of Pride Month, saying it was the right decision to solely mount the American flag in such spots. What do you think?

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St. Louis Officials Encourage Celebrating Blues Fans To Just Burn City Down And Finally End This

Wed, 2019-06-12 22:44

ST. LOUIS—Saying that the city has had this coming for a long time and this moment was as good a time as any, St. Louis officials encouraged fans celebrating the Blues Stanley Cup victory Wednesday to just burn the city down and finally end everyone’s suffering. “To all the Blues fans out there who may be smashing…

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