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Updated: 17 hours 42 min ago

Hillary Clinton Attacks Bernie Sanders In New Interview

Wed, 2020-01-22 15:40

Former Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton attacked Bernie Sanders in a recent interview with The Hollywood Reporter discussing a forthcoming Hulu documentary about her life, calling the senator a “career politician” and saying “nobody likes him.” What do you think?

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PornHub Announces Contest To Allow One User Under 18 To View Content

Wed, 2020-01-22 15:12

MONTREAL—Shocking the internet with their offer to allow one fortunate adolescent the once-in-a-lifetime chance to look at adult material online, pornographic website PornHub announced a contest Wednesday which would allow one winning under-18 entrant to view its content. “We are proud to offer one lucky minor the…

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God Stumbles On Old, Beat-Up Planet That He Carved ‘Mötley Crüe’ All Over

Wed, 2020-01-22 14:53

THE HEAVENS—Reminiscing over how much time had passed since His days as a younger deity, God, Our Heavenly Father, expressed His nostalgia and delight Wednesday after stumbling on the old, beat-up planet He carved ‘Mötley Crüe’ all over. “Holy shit, I haven’t seen this in decades!” exclaimed the Lord, noting that He…

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Senate Republicans Force Through Resolution Establishing Wingstop As Official Sponsor Of Impeachment Trial

Wed, 2020-01-22 14:34

WASHINGTON—Over the objections of Democrats who decried the measure as not receiving sufficient debate on the congressional floor, Senate Republicans forced through a resolution Wednesday establishing Wingstop as the official sponsor of President Donald Trump’s impeachment trial. “Resolved that effective immediately,…

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‘Well, I Could Do That’ Says Art Museum Attendee Viewing Security Guard On Lunch Break

Wed, 2020-01-22 14:20

NEW YORK—Shaking his head in disbelief at what passes for art these days, museum visitor Francis Bach was reportedly heard muttering “Well, I could do that” to himself while viewing a Metropolitan Museum of Art security guard on his lunch break. “This doesn’t really seem all that impressive,” said the 46-year-old,…

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The Boeing 747 Turns 50

Wed, 2020-01-22 09:00

In the 50 years since its first passenger flight, the Boeing 747 became the most dominant and recognizable craft for commercial air travel. The Onion looks back on the most significant moments in the Boeing 747’s history on its 50-year anniversary.

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Contrarian ‘New York Times’ Travel Section Breaks With Paper To Endorse Deval Patrick For Democratic Nomination

Tue, 2020-01-21 18:54

NEW YORK—In a dramatic challenge of the editorial board, The New York Times travel section broke with the paper Tuesday to endorse former Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick for the Democratic nomination. “Given his impressive track record as a card-carrying Hyatt Loyalty Program member and the only candidate with…

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Greta Thunberg Speaks On Climate At Davos 2020

Tue, 2020-01-21 18:48

Teenage climate activist Greta Thunberg addressed leaders on the climate crisis on the opening day of the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, bringing attention to the issue at a conference that will be dominated with reconciling business with carbon emissions. What do you think?

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First-Time Davos Attendee Can’t Believe How Many Seminars There Are About Running Secret Child-Molestation Ring

Tue, 2020-01-21 16:17

DAVOS, SWITZERLAND—Expressing surprise that tech luminaries like Sheryl Sandberg and Sundar Pichai weren’t focusing their talks more on internet privacy, first-time Davos attendee Emmanuel Issacson told reporters Monday he couldn’t believe how many seminars at the World Economic Forum’s annual conference were about…

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Kellyanne Conway Suggests Martin Luther King Jr. Would Have Traveled To Ukraine For Dirt On Biden

Tue, 2020-01-21 15:53

WASHINGTON—Praising the civil rights leader for his determination and commitment to justice, Kellyanne Conway, senior counselor to the president, suggested to reporters Monday that Martin Luther King Jr. would have traveled to Ukraine for dirt on Joe Biden. “Dr. Martin Luther King, who was known for his nonviolent…

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‘Times’ Gives Klobuchar, Warren 2020 Endorsement

Tue, 2020-01-21 15:38

In a break from their tradition of choosing one candidate, the New York Times endorsed Amy Klobuchar and Elizabeth Warren for the 2020 Democratic primary, saying the two senators represented a moderate and progressive vision for the party that voters would have to choose from to pit against President Trump. What do you

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Area Dad Sure Knows A Lot About Local Weather Woman

Tue, 2020-01-21 15:32

ROCKFORD, IL—Casually rattling off details about her personal life and professional history, household sources confirmed Tuesday that area dad Shawn Garcia seems to know quite a bit about local television meteorologist Susanne Lepucki. “He keeps going on about how she wore that same red blouse last week, and I swear…

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Tips To Improve Your Skiing

Tue, 2020-01-21 14:38
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Report: Clicking This Link Will Add You To Several FBI Watchlists

Tue, 2020-01-21 14:31

WASHINGTON—Explaining that your name is now permanently on multiple databases run by the federal law enforcement branch, a new report issued Tuesday confirmed that, well, you’ve done it: By having clicked on this link, you have been added to several FBI watchlists. Despite the fact that you could have easily scrolled…

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Canadian Man Wishes There Was Some Way To Pay His Doctor For All The Hard Work He Did

Tue, 2020-01-21 13:46

TORONTO—Explaining that he hated to think of all the physician’s efforts going unrewarded, Canadian citizen Ryan Munley stated Tuesday that he wished there was some way he could pay his medical doctor for all his hard work. “Dr. Leva really went above and beyond for me, and I wish there were some method of exchange,…

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Real-Life ‘Katamari!’ This Drunk Driver Is Still Dragging The Cyclist He Hit

Tue, 2020-01-21 12:32

Calling all Katamari Damacy fans—you’re going to love this! If you were into this Namco classic, you’ll definitely be excited to hear Keita Takahashi’s off-the-wall classic pretty much came to life moments ago when a drunk driver ran over a bike messenger who got tangled in the bumper and is still being dragged by the…

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Top 6 Happiest Countries In The World

Mon, 2020-01-20 14:00

Education: Top Finnish-language program in world

Source Of Tranquility: Near total ethnic homogeneity

National Anthem: Repeatedly chanting “Finland” in increasing volume until things sort of die out

Most Popular Dish: Pickled ice

Life Expectancy: 80.63 years, but in Finland

Last Violent Crime: Cudgel War of 1596

Prison

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