The Onion

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Updated: 13 hours 12 min ago

Self-Esteem Built Up At Theater Camp To Get Shy Student Through First 6 Minutes Of School Year

Mon, 2019-08-26 08:30

QUINCY, MA—Exhausting his reserves of confidence well before first-period roll call, student Logan Mahaffey found the self-esteem he painstakingly acquired during summer theater camp could only get him through his first six minutes of the school year, the 7th-grader admitted Monday. “If I can play the lead in Jesus

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Sony Announces Discreet New Flesh-Colored VR Helmet That Blends In With Your Face

Mon, 2019-08-26 07:00

Looks like the future of virtual reality has finally arrived. Sony just announced their new flesh-colored VR helmet that seamlessly blends in with your face, letting you play inconspicuously anywhere, anytime. For anyone worried about sticking out in public after booting Superhot VR or Five Nights At Freddy’s VR: Help

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Aides Struggle To Stop Dozens Of Kerosene-Soaked Republicans From Lighting Selves Ablaze Atop David Koch’s Body

Fri, 2019-08-23 15:34

WICHITA, KS—Urging calm as the wailing conservative politicians jostled for a place at their deceased benefactor’s side, aides reportedly struggled Friday to prevent dozens of kerosene-soaked Republicans from lighting themselves ablaze atop David Koch’s body. “I don’t want to keep living in a world without David…

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Bernie Sanders Launches $16 Trillion Climate Plan

Fri, 2019-08-23 14:42

Democratic 2020 contender Bernie Sanders announced the most expansive climate plan among the field, spending $16 trillion to decarbonize the economy by 2050 and allegedly creating 20 million jobs, although the plan does not include technologies such as nuclear power or carbon sequestration. What do you think?

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David Koch Pumps Billions Of Dollars Into Campaign To Secure Antonin Scalia A Seat In The Holy Trinity

Fri, 2019-08-23 13:32

THE HEAVENS—Noting that the deceased billionaire wasted no time after entering into Heaven’s gates, angelic sources confirmed Friday that David Koch immediately launched a far-reaching, fully funded campaign to secure Antonin Scalia a seat in the Holy Trinity. “It’s been far too long since a true conservative like…

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Impact Of The Massive Fires In The Amazon Rainforest

Fri, 2019-08-23 12:46

Massive human-caused fires in the Amazon are burning the rainforest at a record rate, stoking global concerns about its potential impact on climate change and shrouding Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro in controversy. The Onion looks at the most significant consequences of the massive fires in the Amazon rainforest.

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Disneyland Employee Hastily Ad-Libs Story About How Much Goofy Loves Napping On The Pavement

Fri, 2019-08-23 12:20

ANAHEIM, CA––Assuring the crowd of onlookers that the beloved cartoon character was merely enjoying a little rest from all the fun he was having in the Magic Kingdom, Disneyland employee Mark Scovell hastily improvised a story Friday about how much Goofy loves napping on the pavement. “Oh, jeepers, it looks like…

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Kid Only Pitcher Because He’s Son Of Coach, Gets Daily One-On-One Training, Goes To Pitching Camp Every Summer

Fri, 2019-08-23 10:30

SOUDERTON, PA—Expressing frustration that he has not actually earned his position, Little League sources told reporters Friday that Rory Peters was only the team’s starting pitcher because he’s the son of Coach P, gets daily one-on-one training, and goes to an intensive pitching camp for six weeks every summer. “It’s…

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Idiot Walking Around With Fly Open

Fri, 2019-08-23 10:00
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Christmas-Obsessed Woman Worships Christ Year-Round

Fri, 2019-08-23 09:30

MISSOULA, MT—Observing that she seems to “go a bit overboard” with her enthusiasm for the season, sources confirmed Friday that local woman Linda Gillespie is so obsessed with Christmas that she worships Jesus Christ throughout the entire year. “Even in summer, Linda will be brimming with the holiday spirit and…

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Derek Carr Distraught After Reading ‘Hard Knocks’ Script Where He Stabs Antonio Brown In Season Finale

Fri, 2019-08-23 08:30

NAPA, CA—Revealing that the writing staff kept his character arc a secret up until the final days, Raiders quarterback Derek Carr felt distraught Friday after reading the scene in his Hard Knocks finale script where he stabs Antonio Brown. “I know the showrunners have been setting up AB’s downfall, but it is still…

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We Imprison Hideo Kojima In An Interview Room Until He Breaks Down And Admits He’s Just Making Shit Up As He Goes Along

Fri, 2019-08-23 08:00

If you’ve called yourself a gamer in the past 30 years, then you know the name, Hideo Kojima. As the mastermind writer, director, and designer behind the mind-boggling Metal Gear series and the upcoming PS4 exclusive Death Stranding, Kojima is a force to be reckoned with in the video game world, known for his elusive

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Pros And Cons Of Tax Exemptions For Religious Institutions

Fri, 2019-08-23 08:00

Issuing tax exemptions to religious institutions has long been a practice of the secular U.S. government, but critics argue that it has a negative economic and social impact overall. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of tax exemptions for religious institutions.

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Man Who’s About To Cry Bursts Out Of Crowded Room Like He’s Transforming Into A Werewolf

Fri, 2019-08-23 07:30

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Rending his garments and dashing towards the door as his face began to twist in anguish, distraught man Andrew Wan, brought to the verge of tears by personal news of a deeply distressing nature, reportedly burst out of a crowded room Friday like he was transforming into a werewolf. “Oh, God, no! It’s…

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Poll: Half Of Trump Voters Would Blame Him For Recession

Fri, 2019-08-23 07:00

A poll released Wednesday found that 42% of respondents who voted for Trump in 2016 would hold him partially responsible for an economic downturn, and another 7% said he would be solely responsible. What do you think?

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Brazilian Government Equips Firefighters With Flamethrowers To Combat Massive Amazon Rainforest

Thu, 2019-08-22 16:42

BRASILIA—In response to an environmental crisis that threatened mass swaths of the country, the Brazilian government announced Thursday that it was equipping crews of firefighters with flamethrowers to combat the massive Amazon rainforest. “We have marshaled our resources and distributed flamethrowers to thousands of…

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Crowd Roars In Approval As Makeup-Smeared Trump Begs Rally To Tell Him He’s Beautiful

Thu, 2019-08-22 14:40

SMITHFIELD, VA—Screaming and wailing through tears as mascara streamed down his cheeks, a makeup-smeared President Donald Trump begged a packed campaign rally Thursday to tell him he was beautiful. “America, as your leader, I need you to look me in the eye and let me know there’s no one in this country prettier than…

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‘Don’t Worry, I’ll Always Be Here To Fight Climate Change,’ Says Jay Inslee Before Ethereally Turning Into Majestic Oak

Thu, 2019-08-22 14:06

SEQUIM, WA—In a speech delivered to supporters addressing the end of his presidential campaign, Washington Governor Jay Inslee announced Thursday that there was “no need to worry,” because he would always be here to fight climate change before ethereally transforming into a majestic oak. “Although today marks the…

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