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Updated: 10 hours 36 min ago

Grossed-Out Anti-Abortion Activist Has Change Of Heart After Seeing Picture Of Fetus For First Time

Tue, 2019-03-19 12:53

WASHINGTON—Realizing that he spent years fighting for the life of what turns out to be a “little fucking gremlin,” anti-abortion activist Logan Brecken, 24, had a change of heart Tuesday after seeing detailed photographs of a human fetus for the first time. “Oh, my God! I can’t believe I used to stand outside Planned…

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Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk

Tue, 2019-03-19 11:22

TUSCALOOSA, AL—Confirming decades of speculation concerning the potentially disruptive effects of runaway literacy, scientists at the University Of Alabama published a study Tuesday establishing a definite and potentially dangerous link between the practice of book learnin’ and increased back talk. “According to our…

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The Green New Meal

Tue, 2019-03-19 09:21
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Officials: Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes

Mon, 2019-03-18 17:27

Ethiopian officials have found clear similarities between two recent crashes involving Boeing 737 Max 8s, putting pressure on manufacturer Boeing to determine what flaw in their planes might have been responsible for the tragedies. What do you think?

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Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There

Mon, 2019-03-18 17:21

CRANSTON, RI—Describing the utter lack of ambition as “such a shame,” sources confirmed Monday that local 27-year-old Andrew Maslia has been wasting his life playing video games when there’s a whole world of other screens out there. “It’s really sad to see a guy like that spending eight hours a day holed up with his…

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Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini

Mon, 2019-03-18 15:31
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Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle

Mon, 2019-03-18 14:26

PERRYSBURG, OH—Promising to restore economic vitality and dignity to the struggling Rust Belt municipality, President Trump made a solemn promise Monday to bring back the town of Perrysburg, OH’s shuttered White Castle franchise. “White Castle was the lifeblood of this community, but unfortunately, during a previous…

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NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal

Mon, 2019-03-18 14:13

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—In a stern indictment of the cash-grabbing scandal that the student athletics organization was somehow kept completely in the dark about, the NCAA announced Monday the launch of an investigation into why it wasn’t making millions off of the recent college admissions controversy. “After the disturbing…

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KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1

Mon, 2019-03-18 13:08

OAKLAND, CA—Claiming that unconstrained advances in meat-sauce application was as far beyond human calculation as its potential to harm future generations, KC Masterpiece CEO Benno Dorer warned Monday against society’s increasing reliance on A1. “When applied correctly—and, crucially, in judicious amounts—it’s true…

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God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos

Mon, 2019-03-18 12:59

CREATION—Admitting that the mere thought of hosting His guest next weekend filled Him with terrible anxiety, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, revealed Monday that He was “really dreading” an upcoming visit from His older brother, who had brought into being a far more successful cosmos. “I stress out whenever my…

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Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say

Mon, 2019-03-18 11:22

A group of 250 experts have signed a United Nations and World Health Organisation petition suggesting the electromagnetic (EMF) frequencies of Airpods and similar wireless headphones could cause cancer. What do you think?

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Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140%

Mon, 2019-03-18 11:18

AMES, IA—In part of an ongoing effort to foster a more inclusive academic community, thousands of students from across the nation were forced to attend Iowa State Monday after the university set its acceptance rate to 140 percent. “We’d like to congratulate all the people who didn’t apply, but were nevertheless…

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