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White House: ‘This Is Not The Geologic Era To Debate Gun Control’

Tue, 2017-10-03 14:39

WASHINGTON—Deflecting questions in the aftermath of the mass shooting in Las Vegas that killed 59 people and injured over 500 more, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters Tuesday that this is not the geologic era in which to debate gun control. “Out of respect for the families of the victims, we’re going to hold off on engaging in discourse over the regulation of firearms for a few eons,” said Sanders, adding that it would be premature to discuss enacting any sort of policies to prevent mass shootings until the next ice age has set in, likely long after the extinction of the human race. “Once the nation has had time to properly grieve and the continents have completed millions of years of tectonic migration to collide into one supercontinent, then we can bring this issue to the table. However, until a new dominant species rules ...

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Man Worried Any Crazy Person Could Get Hands On Congressional Seat

Tue, 2017-10-03 14:33

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Feeling vulnerable in the wake of yesterday’s mass shooting in Las Vegas, local man Greg Farley was reportedly worried Tuesday that any crazy person could get their hands on a congressional seat. “It’s terrifying to think that House and Senate seats can be obtained by pretty much any maniac who meets a really easy minimum age requirement,” said Farley, 46, adding that when the Founding Fathers conceived Congress, they surely did not envision the kind of “disturbed and dangerous lunatics” who would seek out elected office or the massive power they would wield. “You can get your hands on one of these seats with no mental health assessment, no wait period, and no real training. It keeps me up at night knowing that some madman can just waltz in and get a seat, not to mention an even more powerful committee chairmanship. Unless we make ...

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John Cena Gets Argyle Wool Singlet Out From Cedar Chest In Preparation For AutumnSlam

Tue, 2017-10-03 14:02

TAMPA, FL—Moving aside the plastic tubs full of Christmas ornaments and cardboard boxes of old books stored in his attic, professional wrestler John Cena took out his brown argyle singlet from a cedar chest in preparation for AutumnSlam, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I always love when October comes around because I get to snuggle up in my warm, cozy singlet and utterly annihilate a couple close challengers,” said Cena while removing his favorite V-cut wrestling uniform from the moth ball-filled chest before pressing his nose against it and fondly recalling the unforgettable kick-outs and stepover toehold facelocks from AutumnSlams past. “Really, what’s better than going up to New England as the leaves start to change and jumping off the ropes with a fist drop to your opponent’s head? Man, I’m getting excited just thinking about the warm apple cider mist Triple H always spits out after entering ...

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A Timeline Of The Space Race

Tue, 2017-10-03 13:54

Sixty years ago this week, the USSR launched Sputnik 1, the world’s first manmade satellite, and set off an international competition for spaceflight supremacy. Here are the most important moments in the space race.

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O Say Can You Knee?

Tue, 2017-10-03 12:29
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 3, 2017

Tue, 2017-10-03 11:33
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Those Close To Nation Say It Showed Dozens Of Warning Signs Leading Up To Massacre

Tue, 2017-10-03 11:15

WASHINGTON—A day after America’s deadliest mass shooting left at least 58 dead and more than 500 injured in Las Vegas, sources close to the nation confirmed Tuesday that it had showed dozens of warning signs leading up to the massacre. “Looking back, the U.S. had so many red flags that I’m unfortunately not at all surprised this tragedy took place,” said Nebraska resident Tyler Stout, who along with 325 million of his fellow citizens observed that the country had become increasingly isolated in recent years, often making other nations uncomfortable in its presence. “America clearly had some mental health problems, and it’s spent decades stockpiling guns and ammunition. And then there were all those crazy, unhinged rants it was constantly posting on social media. I mean, this country was just a ticking time bomb.” At press time, sources close to the nation said that perhaps ...

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Man Pretty Sure He Could Run This Company Into Ground Way Better Than Boss

Tue, 2017-10-03 10:48

BOSTON—Saying he had no idea how someone like his supervisor got the job in the first place, local marketing strategist Michael Perkins told reporters Monday that he could run the company into the ground way better than his boss. “Seriously, give me a chance, and I’ll tank this whole operation in a week,” said Perkins, 34, who has reportedly stood by and watched his boss mismanage the business for years despite knowing he could lose talent and miss valuable growth opportunities far better. “Sure, he’s incompetent, but we’d be hemorrhaging money and ruining our corporate reputation like never before if you put me in there. You just watch how fast I’d sink this ship.” At press time, Perkins had botched his third consecutive presentation and was hoping he’d taken a huge step toward being in charge.

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Dreary, Passionless Couple Believes Your Soulmate Out There Too

Tue, 2017-10-03 10:45

BELLEVUE, WA—Offering reassurance that it would all work out in the end like it did for them, dreary, passionless couple Evan and Jennifer Schar confirmed on Tuesday that your soulmate was definitely out there somewhere. “Take it from two people who’ve been in your shoes: Just be patient and have an open heart, and I know you’ll meet the love of your life,” said the essentially celibate Evan Schar, mechanically patting the knee of the woman he has not had sexual relations with in almost five years. “All it takes is that one amazing person who makes you feel this way. And when you find each other, you’ll realize everything was just leading up to this amazing moment. Trust us.” The Schars, both of whom are reportedly too habituated to their lifeless routine to pursue the extramarital relationships they so desperately crave, went on to say ...

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Report: Only 1 In 3 Preschool Graduates Has Necessary Animal Sound Skills Upon Entering Zoo

Tue, 2017-10-03 10:39

SAN DIEGO—Saying their growling and howling proficiency was significantly lacking, a report released Tuesday by the University of California San Diego found that only 1 in 3 preschool graduates has the necessary animal sound skills upon entering a zoo. “Overall, just two thirds of these kindergarten-bound children can faithfully reproduce even the most basic vocalizations of the animals they’ll encounter at a zoo,” said lead author Drew Relman, adding that a mere 20 percent correctly beat their chests and grunted at a gorilla while only half even knew they were supposed to roar at a lion. “It’s startling to see how many of these children think it’s perfectly correct to neigh to the gazelles or chirp at the owls. If they have this much difficulty at a zoo, what chance do they have on a field trip to a farm?” Relman went on to say it ...

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CVS Limiting Opioid Prescriptions To Seven Days

Tue, 2017-10-03 10:12

To curb abuse, CVS announced it will limit opioid prescriptions to seven days, which research suggests helps patients avoid becoming dependent on the drugs. What do you think?

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This Shooting Isn’t About Gun Control We Refuse To Pass, It’s About Access To Mental Health Care We’re Continuing To Gut

Mon, 2017-10-02 16:32

As our nation struggles to come to grips with the horrible tragedy in Las Vegas, it’s only natural for people to search for an explanation of how an atrocity like this could have happened and to call on their elected officials to take measures to prevent such terrible bloodshed from occurring again in the future. Unfortunately, however, we’ve seen enough of these incidents to know that some people will rush to blame firearms for this carnage and will demand that Congress enact sweeping gun restrictions, engaging in misguided efforts that completely miss the underlying reasons behind the violence we’re seeing.

The simple truth is, mass shootings like this aren’t about gun control we refuse to pass. They’re about access to mental health care that we will continue to gut.

You can already hear the calls from the left. In the aftermath of this mass murder ...

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NRA Says Mass Shootings Just The Unfortunate Price Of Protecting People’s Freedom To Commit Mass Shootings

Mon, 2017-10-02 14:29

FAIRFAX, VA—In the aftermath of a shooting in Las Vegas that left at least 58 people dead and more than 500 wounded, National Rifle Association officials said Monday that mass shootings are just the unfortunate price of protecting people’s freedom to commit mass shootings. “What happened in Las Vegas is a horrific tragedy, but it’s sadly the inevitable cost of safeguarding the rights of Americans to perpetrate such horrific tragedies,” said NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre, adding that defending the constitutional right to commit mass murder meant accepting that mass murders were occasionally going to happen. “As saddened as we are today, we must always remember that preserving our sacred liberty to go on violent rampages is far more important than any one violent rampage.” LaPierre went on to say that legislation like recent state laws permitting guns on college campuses and an upcoming House bill ...

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Americans Hopeful This Will Be Last Mass Shooting Before They Stop On Their Own For No Reason

Mon, 2017-10-02 14:20

WASHINGTON—Expressing a sense of guarded optimism that the latest incident of gun violence that left 58 dead and 500 injured in Las Vegas would be a turning point for the nation, Americans across the country confirmed Monday they were hopeful this would be the last mass shooting before all such occurrences stopped on their own for no reason at all. “After something as horrific as what happened in Las Vegas, we’re all just hoping that now these terrible shootings will stop once and for all without circumstances changing in any way or any of us taking even the slightest amount of action in response,” said Harrisburg, PA resident David Snyder, echoing the sentiments of tens of millions of citizens from coast to coast who told reporters they were confident that, after living through the most deadly mass shooting in modern American history and taking no material steps to ...

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