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Bill Cosby Convicted Of Sexual Assault

Fri, 2018-04-27 13:23

Bill Cosby has been convicted of drugging and sexually assaulting a former Temple University employee, with the 80-year-old receiving three 10-year charges for the incident. What do you think?

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Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation Announces New $17 Billion Initiative To Eradicate All 3rd-World Mac Users By 2040

Fri, 2018-04-27 11:48

SEATTLE—In partnership with local governments across the globe, the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation announced Friday a new $17 billion initiative to eradicate all third-world Mac users by 2040. “Impoverished nations have for too long suffered the devastation wrought by Mac users, but we believe that with proper…

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Responsible Gaming: Epic Games’ Latest ‘Fortnite’ Update Includes Memorial-Service Cutscenes After Every Kill So Players Can Learn To Value Human Life

Fri, 2018-04-27 11:30

Fortnite has quickly become one of the most successful games of the past year, but Epic Games’ latest move proves that the company is also committed to providing an incredibly responsible gaming experience: Fortnite’s newest update includes memorial-service cutscenes after every kill so players can learn to value…

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Almost Had Him: The Police Have Released The Golden State Killer From Custody Because He Was Just Too Creepy

Fri, 2018-04-27 11:25

When police arrested a man they believed to be the Golden State Killer yesterday, the world celebrated as one of history’s most brutal and notorious serial killers was finally captured more than 40 years after his reign of terror began. However, it sadly looks like justice will have to wait for another day: the police…

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Deceased Souls Backed Up At River Styx Ferry Crossing During Underworld Transit Strike

Fri, 2018-04-27 10:16

HADES—With no boatmen to take them across the dark stygian waters to the dry, sunless lands of the dead, millions of newly deceased souls were reportedly backed up on the banks of the River Styx during a transit strike by the Underworld Ferry Workers Union, sources confirmed Friday. “Yeah, I get it—Charon, Phlegyas,…

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Pence Unveils Campaign To Educate Teens About Dangers Of Premarital Eye Contact

Fri, 2018-04-27 07:36

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of providing young people with the skills they need to make good decisions as they mature into adulthood, Vice President Mike Pence held a press conference Thursday to unveil a new campaign educating teens about the dangers of premarital eye contact. “This new initiative will…

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Lyft Says It Will Make Every Ride Carbon Neutral

Fri, 2018-04-27 07:00

Ride-sharing company Lyft has pledged to fight climate change by investing millions to fund projects offsetting the carbon produced by their drivers. What do you think?

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Dirty, Disheveled Scott Pruitt Confesses He Spent Last Of EPA Funding Weeks Ago

Thu, 2018-04-26 17:07

WASHINGTON—Rocking back and forth in his chair and openly weeping, a dirty, disheveled EPA administrator Scott Pruitt confessed during testimony before the House Appropriations committee Thursday that he had spent the last of his department’s funding weeks ago. “It’s gone, all gone, every penny of it—poof, just like…

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Federal Judge Orders Trump To Accept DACA Applications

Thu, 2018-04-26 14:29

A federal judge ruled Tuesday that the protections of DACA must stay in place and that the government must resume accepting new applications, stressing that Trump’s decision to end the program was “virtually unexplained.” What do you think?

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Tucker Carlson Unsure Why He In Middle Of 20-Minute Rant Against Croutons

Thu, 2018-04-26 13:29

NEW YORK—Taking a moment to reflect on how “the world’s most elitist bread” made its way into his current tirade, Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson paused midway through his show Thursday and expressed confusion about why he was currently 20 minutes into an irate rant against croutons. “These overblown, liberal salad…

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