The Onion

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Updated: 17 hours 39 min ago

‘They Can’t Impeach Someone They Can’t See,’ Say Trump Boys Cramming Dad Into Homemade Bunker Under Oval Office Desk

Mon, 2020-01-20 11:40

WASHINGTON—Hastily concealing the “super top secret” shelter’s entrance with a couch cushion, the Trump boys reportedly declared “They can’t impeach someone they can’t see” Friday while cramming their dad into a homemade bunker under the Oval Office desk. “The House peach managers [sic] are never, ever gonna be able…

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TV Character Knows All This Hardship She’s Experiencing Now Will One Day Be Nothing More Than A ‘Previously On’ Clip

Mon, 2020-01-20 11:00

HARTFORD, CT—Stressing how important it was to keep her worries in perspective, television character Greta Worthington told reporters Monday that amidst all her present hardships, she still knew everything she was going through would one day be nothing more than a small part of a “previously on” clip. “Sure, right now…

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Civil Whites Movement

Mon, 2020-01-20 10:30
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Deal Alert: This 4-Year-Old Wandered Really Far From The Playground, Your Car’s Right There, And Her Parents Would Definitely Cough Up Enough For A Marvel 3-In-1 Arcade Machine To Get Her Back

Mon, 2020-01-20 10:20

Attention all arcade fans! Here’s an opportunity that’s just too good to miss out on: This 4-year-old girl wandered really far away from the playground, your car’s right there, and her parents would definitely cough up enough for a Marvel three-in-one arcade machine to get her back.

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Female James Bond Ruled Out By Series Producer

Mon, 2020-01-20 09:00

Series producer Barbara Broccoli stressed that James Bond will never be cast as a woman under her watch, saying “he can be of any color, but he is male,” and adding that “I believe we should be creating new characters for women—strong female characters.” What do you think?

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Unclear What Licensing Deal Led To Single Season 4 Episode Of ‘The Blacklist’ Being Available For Viewing On Airplane

Mon, 2020-01-20 08:30

LOS ANGELES, CA—Explaining how the in-flight entertainment console didn’t feature any other installments of the crime thriller television series, local man Lucas Grant told reporters Monday that it was unclear what kind of licensing deal led to a single Season 4 episode of The Blacklist being available for viewing on…

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Conor McGregor Credits Excellent Pre-Fight Shape To Routine Of Hurling Heavy Objects In Public Spaces

Sat, 2020-01-18 22:50

LAS VEGAS—Explaining how constantly throwing bar stools strengthens several different muscle groups, mixed martial artist Conor McGregor credited his excellent pre-fight shape Saturday to a rigorous workout routine of hurling heavy objects in public spaces. “I’ve never been one for the gym—I need to be out there…

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Grindr, Tinder Sharing User Data With Third Party

Fri, 2020-01-17 17:43

Grindr, OkCupid, and Tinder are among several dating apps accused of sending user data such as ethnicity, location, gender, and age to digital ad companies, nonprofit Norwegian Consumer Council found in a report released on Tuesday. What do you think?

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Man Assumed Being Heartless, Egotistical Maniac Would Have Made Him Richer By Now

Fri, 2020-01-17 16:43

SAN FRANCISCO—Voicing frustration with a strategy that had inexplicably failed to pay off, local man Cole Peterson admitted to reporters Friday that he assumed being a heartless, egotistical maniac would have made him richer by now. “I really thought being a cutthroat asshole at work and selling out all my friends and…

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Senators Sworn In As Impeachment Trial Begins

Fri, 2020-01-17 16:06

Chief Justice John Roberts swore in all one hundred senators for President Trump’s impeachment trial Thursday, requiring them to swear to do “impartial justice” in the third such proceedings in American history. What do you think?

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Republican Senators Maintain They’ll Weigh All Evidence Before Carrying Trump Out On Shoulders

Fri, 2020-01-17 15:17

WASHINGTON—Stressing that their duty to uphold the Constitution required impartiality in their role as jurors, Republican senators told reporters Friday that they would weigh all evidence before lifting President Donald Trump into the air and carrying him outside on their shoulders. “Look, as senators, we swore a…

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Impressive ‘Super Smash Brothers’ Purist Only Plays Original SNES Or NES Game Each Character From

Fri, 2020-01-17 13:41

Super Smash Bros. is one of the most beloved series in video game history, and while the latest iteration for Switch has gotten great reviews, there are some fans who think it will never live up to the classic. Enter Charlie Alexanian, a really impressive Smash purist who only plays the original SNES or NES game each…

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History Of The U.S. Census

Fri, 2020-01-17 13:31

The U.S. Census, which is conducted every 10 years, will be conducted in 2020, and the process of documenting American citizens is not without its share of historical issues and controversies. The Onion takes a look at important moments in the history of the U.S. census.

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NCAA Determines Becoming A Bengal Punishment Enough For Joe Burrow Taking Cash From Odell Beckham

Fri, 2020-01-17 13:22

INDIANAPOLIS—Laying down a harsh ruling that is sure to resonate in future cases, the NCAA determined Friday that Joe Burrow joining the Cincinnati Bengals will be more than enough punishment for his infraction of accepting a cash payment from Odell Beckham Jr. “We want to do everything we can to discourage college…

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Tampax Unveils New Find My Tampon App For When One Really Gets Lodged Up There

Fri, 2020-01-17 10:36

CINCINNATI—Calling it the “fastest and most effective way” to find a lost or misplaced sanitary product, the makers of Tampax announced Friday the release of a new app called Find My Tampon, which is intended for use when one gets lodged way the hell up in there. “In the event a Tampax user is faced with an emergency…

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CNN Reveals Bernie Sanders Running For President Of Country With History Of Sexism

Thu, 2020-01-16 18:31

WASHINGTON—Calling their bombshell report incredibly damning, CNN revealed Thursday that Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders has been knowingly running a campaign to become president of a country with a long history of sexism. “This new evidence proves beyond a doubt that Bernie Sanders strongly wants to lead a nation…

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