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McDonald’s Unveils ‘MacCoin’ To Celebrate 50th Anniversary Of Big Mac

Wed, 2018-08-01 10:41

McDonald’s will be giving customers “MacCoins” with all purchases of Big Macs—a celebration of the 50th anniversary of the Big Mac that can be exchanged for another Big Mac. What do you think?

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NRA Releases Downloadable Blueprints For First 3D-Printed Gun Lobbyists

Tue, 2018-07-31 17:34

FAIRFAX, VA—Saying the schematics were already available on numerous file-sharing sites across the web, the National Rifle Association announced Tuesday it had released online blueprints that, for the first time ever, will allow citizens to print 3D gun lobbyists in their own homes. “Anyone with internet access and…

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Ruth Bader Ginsburg Says She Has ‘5 More Years’ On Supreme Court

Tue, 2018-07-31 15:46

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg told reporters that she believes she will serve “at least five more years” on the Supreme Court, providing hope to liberal supporters wary of the Court’s rightward shift. What do you think?

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Biggest Product Recalls Of All Time

Tue, 2018-07-31 13:57
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Cop Who Shot Unarmed Black Man Let Off With A Promotion

Tue, 2018-07-31 13:33

CHATHAM, MO—Concluding their investigation into the cop who fatally shot an unarmed black man during a September 2017 traffic stop, the Chatham Police Department announced Tuesday that Officer William Feldman would be let off with a promotion. “After a thorough examination of all the evidence, we’ve concluded that the…

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‘Men Are Not Oppressed,’ Says Woman Who Has No Idea What It Like To Take Two Whole Escalators To Get To Your Clothing Section At Zara

Tue, 2018-07-31 12:56

CHICAGO—Broadcasting her privilege and her ignorance loud and clear, feminist and mother of two Andrea Chambers, 34, who has no idea what it’s like to take two separate escalators just to get to your clothing section at Zara and of course never will, said Tuesday that “Men are not oppressed” during a heated…

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‘New York Times’ Publisher Reveals Asking Trump To Decrease Anti-Media Rhetoric Except Against Those Fuckers At ‘The Washington Post’

Tue, 2018-07-31 11:53

WASHINGTON—Citing the potential dangers of continued White House attacks on media outlets, New York Times publisher A.G. Sulzberger revealed Sunday that he asked President Trump to decrease his anti-media rhetoric during their July 20 meeting, excepting those made against “those fuckers at The Washington Post.” “We…

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Save The Wails

Tue, 2018-07-31 11:49
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Study Finds 70% Of Bingo Winners End Up Prizeless Within 5 Years

Tue, 2018-07-31 11:27

AMES, IA—Presenting the results of a longitudinal study spanning more than two decades, researchers from Iowa State University published findings Tuesday, revealing that nearly seven out of every 10 bingo winners end up prizeless within five years. “These winners tend to come from modest backgrounds, and most are not…

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Woman Accused Of Sending Man 65,000 Text Messages After First Date

Tue, 2018-07-31 11:02

An Arizona woman has been arrested for stalking a man after their first date by sending him 65,000 text messages and sometimes over 500 per day. What do you think?

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CBS Reveals ‘Big Bang Theory’ Season 12 Will Explore Why Sheldon Keeps Job After Sexually Harassing 6 Research Assistants

Mon, 2018-07-30 17:30

NEW YORK—As part of a preview of the network’s fall slate of shows, CBS revealed Monday that season 12 of the long-running sitcom The Big Bang Theory will explore why Sheldon Cooper keeps his job after sexually harassing six research assistants. “The story arc, which spans the entire season, shows that while there…

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Trump Denies Existence Of 2016 Russia Meeting Commemorative Merchandise

Mon, 2018-07-30 16:39

WASHINGTON—Saying the reports were a ludicrous attempt by the mainstream media to discredit him, President Donald Trump vehemently denied Monday the existence of 2016 Russia meeting commemorative merchandise available at the Trump Tower gift shop. “There is absolutely no evidence to suggest that exquisite, handcrafted…

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Carrie Fisher Will Appear In ‘Star Wars: Episode IX’

Mon, 2018-07-30 15:26

In a recently released cast list, LucasFilms revealed that Carrie Fisher will appear as Leia Organa in the final film of the new Star Wars trilogy using previously recorded footage, as well as Mark Hamill. What do you think?

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Beloved Father And Infrequent Pornography User Loses 3-Year Battle With Cancer

Mon, 2018-07-30 13:19

ROCHESTER, NY—After losing a three-year battle with prostate cancer during which he only sporadically masturbated to prurient images, beloved father and infrequent pornography user Larry Gates passed away Monday, surrounded by his loving family in the home where he kept one or two old Playboys which, when in better…

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Dog Meets Owner At Door In Desperate Attempt To Get Ahead Of Diarrhea-Rug Scandal

Mon, 2018-07-30 12:55

KENNEWICK, WA—Deftly maneuvering to control the emotional tone and establish the primacy of her own narrative before the story got out of control, 3-year-old Jack Russell terrier Muffin met her owner at the door upon his return from work Monday in a desperate attempt to get ahead of an unfolding…

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