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Updated: 10 hours 36 min ago

How FEMA Responds To Disasters

Fri, 2019-03-15 16:43

Since its implementation in 1979, the Federal Emergency Management Agency has served as the U.S. government’s main response team to natural disasters, but often faces criticism for efforts perceived as insufficient. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how FEMA responds to disasters.

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5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke

Fri, 2019-03-15 16:35
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Report: More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel

Fri, 2019-03-15 16:19

SANTA CRUZ, CA—A report published Friday by cultural anthropologists at the University of California, Santa Cruz, revealed that an increasing number of women are forgoing the custom of taking their husbands’ surnames and instead opting for something totally badass like Diesel, Nitro, or Pulverizer. “We’ve observed a…

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Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries

Fri, 2019-03-15 15:55

Hundreds of thousands of young people will walk out of schools today to protest against inaction on climate change, following the example of Swedish teen Greta Thunberg, who held a solo protest outside of the country’s parliament. What do you think?

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Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything

Fri, 2019-03-15 15:30

YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Confusing her friends and colleagues as to what could possibly drive her to undertake such an expedition, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring explorer Jillian Greene’s solo hike through Yosemite National Park has evidently nothing to do with soul-searching, an inner journey, or any other form…

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Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child

Fri, 2019-03-15 12:30

CATASAUQUA, PA—Positively brimming with joy after welcoming the infant into their home, first-time grandparents Edward and Colleen Harris told reporters Friday they were overwhelmed with emotion now that they finally understood what it meant to love a child. “I can’t even begin to put my happiness into words because…

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Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029

Fri, 2019-03-15 12:15

In partnership with the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency, Japan plans to build a six-wheeled, self-driving transporter that can carry two humans for a distance of 10,000 kilometers by 2029. What do you think?

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Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign

Thu, 2019-03-14 18:14

EL PASO, TX—Revealing plans to “put his own spin” on beloved stump speeches and talking points, Beto O’Rourke announced Thursday that he was starting a Barack Obama cover campaign. “I’ve always loved Barack’s early stuff from back in ’08, even ’04, and I think diehard fans will go crazy when I cover all his greatest…

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California Halts Death Penalty

Thu, 2019-03-14 17:27

Governor Gavin Newsom announced a moratorium on capital punishment, granting a temporary reprieve to the 737 inmates on the state’s death row. What do you think?

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2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk

Thu, 2019-03-14 16:01

SOUTH BEND, IN—Touting the benefits in tourism and business revenue that such a project had already brought to his hometown, 2020 Democratic presidential candidate and South Bend, IN mayor Pete Buttigieg announced Thursday a bold plan for a 2,500-mile intercontinental riverwalk. “At a time when Americans are more…

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Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy

Thu, 2019-03-14 15:31

CHICAGO—Praising the strength and composure the former officer displayed throughout his trial and sentencing, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel broke ground Thursday on the city’s newly approved Jason Van Dyke Police Academy. “Today, we remember a brave officer, father, and friend, who was taken from us far too soon when he…

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Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family

Thu, 2019-03-14 15:27

MORRISTOWN, NJ—Complaining that he is never able to relax and just be himself, local dog Crackers reported Thursday that he feels as though he always has to be “on” when he’s around the family to whom he belongs. “It’s like I always have to put on this show, whether it’s chasing a squeaky toy or licking someone’s…

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World Wide Web 30 Years Old

Thu, 2019-03-14 15:21

Decades after its proposal by Tim Berners-Lee, a British computer programmer working at CERN, the World Wide Web will celebrate its 30th anniversary this week. What do you think?

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Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head

Thu, 2019-03-14 14:55

MILTON, WI—Doing his best to cast the negative, intrusive, and ultimately accurate thoughts from his mind, local piece of shit Aaron Keliher, whom everyone fucking despises, reportedly assured himself Thursday that it’s all in his head. “Sometimes, when I’m getting really down on myself, I start to think people must…

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Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout

Thu, 2019-03-14 12:10

ANNANDALE, VA—Saying it was just “common courtesy” to sanitize them for whoever exercised next, local man Nick Dukas told reporters Thursday that he always makes sure to wipe down his personal trainer after working out. “I sweat all over, so it would be pretty rude of me not to at least clean the fitness instructor up…

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