The Onion

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Dazed Jeff Bezos Realizes He Spent Entire Conversation Thinking About How To Automate Person Talking To Him

Thu, 2018-01-25 14:13

SEATTLE—Suddenly snapping back to attention, a dazed Jeff Bezos reportedly realized Thursday that he had spent an entire conversation thinking about how to automate the person talking to him. “Sorry, could you repeat that? I just lost focus for a second [as I indifferently watched you open and close your mouth,…

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CDC Issues Warning Of Full-Blown Epidemic Of The Blahs

Thu, 2018-01-25 13:37

ATLANTA—Urging Americans to help prevent the overall yucky feeling from continuing to spread unchecked, the CDC issued a warning Thursday of a full-blown epidemic of the blahs. “We urge you to seek medical attention the second you start to experience ickiness or feel sorta meh,” said CDC director Brenda Fitzgerald,…

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American Girl Recalls 50,000 Dolls With Chainsaws For Hands

Thu, 2018-01-25 12:48

EL SEGUNDO, CA—After receiving hundreds of injury reports from parents across the nation, American Girl announced Thursday that it has decided to recall 50,000 dolls with chainsaws for hands. “Due to a factory error at our plants, thousands of our signature ‘Maryellen’ dolls were accidentally sent out with small…

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Pros And Cons Of Privatized Space Travel

Thu, 2018-01-25 12:07

Over the last decade, private companies like Virgin Galactic and SpaceX have begun to challenge government-run programs conducting space exploration and investigating the possibility of establishing life on other planets. The Onion outlines the pros and cons of privatized space travel.

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Vermont Governor Legalizes Marijuana

Thu, 2018-01-25 10:00

Vermont Governor Phil Scott has made history by signing marijuana legalization into law, making it the first state to do so by legislation. What do you think?

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‘The Shape Of Water’ Leads Oscar Nominations With 13

Wed, 2018-01-24 17:41

Guillermo Del Toro’s supernatural romance The Shape of Water has received 13 Oscar nominations, including Best Picture, placing it ahead of war drama Dunkirk and dark comedy Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri. What do you think?

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First Family Gets Pet Asp

Wed, 2018-01-24 17:17
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Area Man Thinks Movie He Saw Should Have Been Nominated

Wed, 2018-01-24 15:38

HERNANDO, MS—Saying it was outrageously unfair that the film wasn’t up for any awards, area man Lawrence Kent said Wednesday that he thinks the movie he saw should have been nominated for an Oscar. “That secret agent movie I saw should definitely have been nominated,” Kent said indignantly of Kingsman: The Golden

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Dancing, Pantsless Rex Tillerson Slides Across Floor Of Empty State Department

Wed, 2018-01-24 15:24

WASHINGTON—Leaping out from behind a wall as Bob Seger’s “Old Time Rock and Roll” blared from the building’s intercom, a pantless Secretary of State Rex Tillerson slid across the waxed marble floors of the completely empty State Department, sources confirmed Wednesday.

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Werner Herzog: I Killed And Ate Timothy Treadwell In 2003

Wed, 2018-01-24 15:16

LOS ANGELES—Shedding new light on the tragic ending to his critically acclaimed portrait of the animal activist, filmmaker Werner Herzog told reporters Wednesday that he killed and ate Timothy Treadwell in 2003. “I should finally say that during the filming of my documentary Grizzly Man, I mauled Timothy Treadwell to…

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The #WeTwo Movement

Wed, 2018-01-24 14:23
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Newborn Has Father’s Asshole

Wed, 2018-01-24 12:29

GOODYEAR, AZ—Acknowledging that the resemblance was quite striking, local grandmother Dorothy Hanson told reporters Wednesday that her newborn grandchild Dylan definitely has his father Jack’s asshole. “Oh my goodness, you certainly are the spitting image of your daddy,” said Hanson while changing the baby’s diaper,…

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‘Wonder Woman 2’ First Film To Implement New Anti-Sexual Harassment Guidelines

Wed, 2018-01-24 09:58

Wonder Woman 2 will be the first movie to implement new Producer’s Guide of America recommendations for combating sexual harassment, which include having an advocate constantly on set ready to hear any claims or concerns. What do you think?

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NASA Issues Formal Apology For 1969 Genocide Of Moon Natives

Wed, 2018-01-24 09:53

WASHINGTON—Saying the long-overdue gesture was a step towards atoning for the space agency’s past transgressions, NASA issued a formal apology Wednesday for the 1969 genocide of the moon’s native population. “The time has come to recognize NASA’s detestable role in the massacre of the moon’s original inhabitants,”…

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Senate Reaches Deal To End Government Shutdown

Tue, 2018-01-23 18:20

Democrats in the Senate have voted to end a three-day budget shutdown after receiving assurances from Republican leaders that they will soon tackle a bill to keep immigrant “Dreamers” in the country. What do you think?

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Real-Life Michelin Man Dies At 87

Tue, 2018-01-23 17:26
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Cory Booker, Kamala Harris, Elizabeth Warren Assure Dreamers They’ll Never Stop Fighting For The 2020 Nomination

Tue, 2018-01-23 16:02

WASHINGTON—Following the passage of a temporary government funding bill approved by many Democrats that did not include protections for immigrants brought illegally to U.S. as children, Senators Cory Booker, Kamala Harris, and Elizabeth Warren reportedly assured Dreamers Tuesday that they will never stop fighting for…

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