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Updated: 10 hours 41 min ago

NASA Administrator Announces He Will Open His Body Up To Sexual Tourism

Fri, 2019-06-07 17:06

WASHINGTON—Hoping to broaden access to an “awe-inspiring” adventure very few have ever undertaken, NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine introduced a new policy Friday that will allow his body to be used for sexual tourism. “I am excited to announce that for only $35,000 a night, private sex tourists will be able to…

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How To Experience Chicago Like A Local By Settling Down, Starting A Family, And Living There

Fri, 2019-06-07 16:57

On this episode of Are We Blair Yet?, Onion Travel vlogger Blair Ryleigh explores all the safe parts of Chicago and experiences the city like a true local by settling down, starting a family, and living there for nine years.

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World Marks 75th Anniversary Of D-Day

Fri, 2019-06-07 16:06

The world marked the 75th anniversary of D-Day this week with a ceremony at Normandy beach and speeches from world leaders commemorating the sacrifice of veterans. What do you think?

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6-Year-Old Hoping It’s Not Too Late To Shift Career Path From Astronaut To Firefighter

Fri, 2019-06-07 15:47

BUFFALO, NY—Expressing concern that his true calling isn’t flying a big rocket ship to Mars, local 6-year-old Kevin Trainor told reporters Friday he hopes it’s not too late to shift career paths from astronaut to firefighter. “My real passion is making the fire truck’s siren go ‘Woo woo,’ but I’ve spent half my life…

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U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Handing Out Flyers To Advertise World Cup Tournament

Fri, 2019-06-07 15:18

NEW YORK—As they stood on the corners of several busy intersections, members of the U.S. women’s national soccer team reportedly handed out flyers Friday to advertise their participation in the FIFA World Cup tournament, letting passersby know they would really appreciate everyone’s support. “It’s going to be pretty…

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KitchenAid Announces It Will Lift Ban On Selling Mixers To Unwed Women

Fri, 2019-06-07 13:03

BENTON HARBOR, MI—Acknowledging a shift in prevailing cultural attitudes, KitchenAid announced Friday it would no longer prohibit sales of its flagship product, the stand mixer, to women who are not married. “We recognize that in today’s world, many women who bake may also wish to remain single, which is why we’re…

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Couple Tired Of Always Having Same Knife Fight

Fri, 2019-06-07 12:43

BOSTON—Expressing frustration after finding themselves in the same old predictable dispute again, local couple Melanie Kinsey and Derrick Alterman admitted Friday that they were growing tired of always having the same knife fight. “More often than not, I’ll be tired and irritable and take a few little swipes at her…

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Saudi Arabia Feeling Skittish About Doing Business With Autocratic Tyrant Vince McMahon

Fri, 2019-06-07 12:20

JEDDAH, SAUDI ARABIA—Expressing trepidation about hosting WWE’s Super ShowDown event in light of countless human rights abuses perpetrated by the wrestling company’s divisive owner, Saudi Arabia was feeling skittish Friday about doing business with autocratic tyrant Vince McMahon. “There’s a lot of money to be made…

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Bored 4-Year-Old Mixes Things Up By Watching Movie She’s Only Seen 97 Times

Fri, 2019-06-07 11:44

FARMINGTON HILLS, MI—Remarking that she’d felt stuck in a rut ever since re-binging Paw Patrol, bored 4-year-old Mia Neimark decided to mix things up Friday by watching a movie she’s only seen 97 times before. “At first, I was like, nah, I’ll just watch my butterfly show again, but then I remembered—I haven’t seen the

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Heartbreaking Photos Of Polar Bears Who Will Die Before The Next ‘Metroid Prime’ If Nintendo Doesn’t Get Their Shit Together

Fri, 2019-06-07 11:29

Earlier this year, Nintendo delayed the long-awaited Metroid Prime 4, shifting development to the series original developers, Retro Studios, after a series of unspecified setbacks. While we here at OGN applaud Nintendo’s commitment to quality, the sad fact is not everyone has years to wait for a new Metroid, and…

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Nepal Considering Changing Everest Rules

Fri, 2019-06-07 09:00

After a rash of deaths caused by congestion and inexperience at the mountain’s summit, Nepalese authorities say they are examining changes to the rules for who gets to climb Mount Everest. What do you think?

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What To Know About The Recent ‘UFO’ Sightings

Fri, 2019-06-07 08:00

Over the past several years, U.S. military members are among those reporting sightings of unexplained flying objects, and while the subject has long been subject to much controversy and ridicule, more experts are acknowledging that something strange is going on. The Onion provides answers to questions about the recent…

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YouTube Updates Policy To Ban Supremacists And Hoax Video Users

Thu, 2019-06-06 17:52

YouTube announced this week that it would update its hate speech policy to ban users denying the Holocaust and Sandy Hook, as well as those advocating for a supremacist worldview. What do you think?

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Community That Came Together To Pay For Kid’s Cancer Treatment Goes Bankrupt Too

Thu, 2019-06-06 17:40

CHESTER, PA—Expressing feelings of despair over their current predicament, a local community that came together to pay for 5-year-old Dylan Fanelli’s cancer treatment went bankrupt in the process, neighborhood sources confirmed Thursday. “When we heard Dylan’s insurance wouldn’t cover his chemotherapy, we all rallied…

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Man Wastes No Time Masturbating While Roommate Gone For Weekend

Thu, 2019-06-06 15:08

PITTSBURGH, PA—Frantically removing his pants while simultaneously shouting “See ya Monday!” through his bedroom door, local man Tyler Mackey wasted absolutely no time masturbating directly after his roommate left to spend the weekend out of town. Upon hearing the door close and the key withdraw from the lock, Mackey…

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Highlights Of President Trump’s Trip To The U.K.

Thu, 2019-06-06 14:44

President Donald Trump traveled to the United Kingdom this week for a three-day official trip that caused no small share of controversy. The Onion looks at the highlights of the president’s U.K. trip.

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Agent Asks Failing Actor If He’s Considered Becoming Alt-Right Commentator

Thu, 2019-06-06 14:41

LOS ANGELES—Stressing that the career move had done wonders for his other clients, agent Brendon Lourde asked struggling actor Greg Hartley Thursday if he has ever considered getting into some alt-right commentary. “To be honest with you, I’ve been getting a ton of hard passes on the booking front, but I think there’s…

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