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Famous Boycotts In U.S. History

Wed, 2019-08-21 08:30

Politically driven boycotts of consumer products and pressure on companies to stop advertising on controversial platforms have been a hallmark of the Trump era, but boycotts in America go back well before the 45th president. The Onion takes a look at the history of consumer boycotts in the U.S.

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Discovery Channel Pulls Controversial ‘How It’s Made’ Nuclear Power Episode That Gave Iran Access To Top-Secret Designs

Wed, 2019-08-21 08:00

SILVER SPRING, MD—Emphasizing that they never intended to leak the vast trove of state secrets to a foreign entity, Discovery Channel pulled the controversial nuclear power episode of How It’s Made Wednesday after realizing the show had allowed Iran access top-secret U.S. Department of Energy designs. “Had we known…

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Swiss Scientists Develop Cat Allergy Vaccine

Tue, 2019-08-20 18:16

HypoPet AG, a Swiss-based company, announced it has developed a vaccine called HypoCat that can be administered to cats to neutralize allergy-causing dander. What do you think?

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Jill Biden Urges Democratic Voters To Ignore Which Candidates Are Mentally Sharp Enough To Finish Complete Sentences For Good Of Party

Tue, 2019-08-20 14:15

WASHINGTON—In a strongly worded show of support for her husband, former second lady Jill Biden urged voters Tuesday to ignore which Democratic candidates are mentally sharp enough to finish complete sentences in favor of doing what is best for the Democratic Party. “This is a critical time for our country, and to beat…

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A Look At The Class Of 2023

Tue, 2019-08-20 12:35
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Executive Lorder

Tue, 2019-08-20 11:57
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Nintendo Confirms Yoshi’s Ability To Throw Eggs To Defeat Enemies Is A Pro-Abortion Stance

Tue, 2019-08-20 11:35

Listen up, Yoshi fans! After years of speculation about why Mario’s companion can throw eggs to defeat enemies, we just got definitive confirmation from the company that Yoshi’s ability is meant to be a pro-choice political statement.

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Character In Thriller Film Totally Unaware 100 Reporters On Front Lawn Until He Opens Door

Tue, 2019-08-20 11:06

NORTH CARTHAGE, MO—Seemingly oblivious to what was going on outside of his home just a few feet away, sources confirmed Tuesday that the main character in a thriller film was completely unaware of the hundreds of reporters that had descended upon his front lawn until the very moment he opened the front door. “You’d…

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Ebola Drugs Show 90% Survival Rate

Tue, 2019-08-20 10:52

In a positive development for future and current outbreaks, experimental trials found that individuals have a 90% survival rate when treated with a new set of antibody-based Ebola treatments called REGN-EB3 and mAb114, which will now be deployed to all outbreak patients in the Democratic Republic of Congo. What do you

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NRA Warns Banning Assault Weapons Would Infringe On Americans’ Constitutional Right To Make Them All Pay

Mon, 2019-08-19 17:18

FAIRFAX, VA—Citing the founding fathers’ strongly held beliefs regarding violent retribution, the National Rifle Association warned Monday that a ban on assault weapons would infringe on the constitutional and inalienable right of Americans to make them all pay. “Lawmakers need to understand the importance of having…

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Jay-Z Pledges To Make Sure Colin Kaepernick Gets Contract At NFL Stadium Shop

Mon, 2019-08-19 14:18

NEW YORK—Promising to do everything in his power to help the former starting quarterback, hip-hop superstar and business mogul Jay-Z pledged Monday to make sure Colin Kaepernick gets a contract with an NFL stadium shop. “Kaepernick has stayed in great shape, and I am confident that he could achieve a great deal of…

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Jeffrey Epstein Free To Visit Earth 6 Days A Week Under Terms Of Sweetheart Afterlife Deal

Mon, 2019-08-19 13:34

THE HEAVENS—In what many are calling a “pathetically soft sentence” for the recently deceased sex offender, multiple angels confirmed Monday that Jeffrey Epstein was free to visit Earth six days a week under the terms of a new sweetheart afterlife deal. “According to heavenly sources, Mr. Epstein was granted entry…

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Experts Confirm Doritos Bag Developed Bright, Distinctive Coloring To Warn Potential Predators That It Could Kill Them

Mon, 2019-08-19 13:26

LOS ANGELES—Saying that its characteristic markings had likely evolved as a defense mechanism, experts at UCLA confirmed Monday that the Doritos bag developed its bright, distinctive coloring as an evolutionary tactic to warn would-be predators that it could kill them if consumed. “After extensive research, we can…

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