The Onion

Syndicate content
America's Finest News Source.
Updated: 10 hours 35 min ago

Anti-Vaxxer Movement By The Numbers

Thu, 2019-03-14 11:33
Categories: The Onion

‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors

Thu, 2019-03-14 11:28

LOS ANGELES—Saying “No, no, no” to himself as he worked his way down the page, a desperate Matt Damon reportedly spent Thursday fervently searching for his name on IMDB user Dolphinsoul60’s list, “Top 100 Actors.” “Jason Bateman...Chris Evans…Gene Hackman? C’mon, c’mon, Dolphinsoul60. Where is your boy?” said the…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income

Thu, 2019-03-14 08:28

LOCK HAVEN, PA—Calling him the most promising recruit he’s seen in a decade of coaching, tennis instructor Thomas Petrov confirmed Thursday that he sees real potential in his student Aiden McDavid’s family income. “From his expensive Babolat racket to the brand-new Nikes, I can tell this kid’s parents have everything…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal

Wed, 2019-03-13 15:23

Dozens of parents including fashion designer Mossimo Giannulli and actress Felicity Huffman have been charged with paying millions to gain admission for their children to elite institutions such as Yale University, the Justice Department revealed this week. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns

Wed, 2019-03-13 13:35

HOUSTON—In what they described as scriptural evidence of the right to bear arms, leading figures among the religious right gathered Wednesday to issue a statement arguing that Adam and Eve would never have been banished from the Garden of Eden if they had owned guns. “Just imagine: If Adam and Eve had carried firearms…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Report: Just Go Ahead And Tell Yourself Bribery Is The Only Reason You Didn’t Get Into Columbia

Wed, 2019-03-13 11:31

YOUR LITTLE HEAD—Confirming that oh, sure, probably no one gets into the prestigious university without their wealthy parents pulling some strings, a report released Wednesday in the wake of a major college admissions scandal stated that if it makes you feel better, you can believe bribery is the only reason you…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Unsettling Study Finds Second Cousins Technically Fair Game

Wed, 2019-03-13 11:29

BOSTON—Providing new and disconcerting insights into long-speculated risks of human mating, a Boston University Medical College genetic study published last week in Nature Genetics found that, despite the longstanding cultural and social stigma of the pairing, second cousins are, in fact, technically fair game. “Our…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘Cops’ Turns 30

Wed, 2019-03-13 11:20

Debuting on March 11, 1989, Cops has followed law enforcement on patrols and drug busts over its 30 seasons, generating its share of big moments and controversy along the way. The Onion looks back at Cops on the reality show’s 30th anniversary.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Husband Buys Wife Tickets To See Singer She Wants To Fuck

Wed, 2019-03-13 11:17

LIVONIA, MI—Declaring that he couldn’t wait to see his wife’s eyes light up once she heard the news, local husband Kevin McCoy, 32, reportedly spent $238.76 Wednesday to buy his wife tickets to see a singer she wants to fuck. “Phoebe is just crazy about [the idea of being throroughly and repeatedly boned by] John…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts

Wed, 2019-03-13 10:55

Amidst looting, hyperinflation, and a contested presidency, Venezuela has plunged into a near-countrywide blackout after its massive power failure. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

5 Things To Know About Andrew Yang

Wed, 2019-03-13 10:51
Categories: The Onion

USC Insists Lori Loughlin’s Daughter Was Admitted Solely Based On Socioeconomic Background

Tue, 2019-03-12 18:25

LOS ANGELES—Following revelations about the actress’s alleged involvement in a college bribery scandal, University of Southern California officials told reporters Tuesday that Lori Loughlin’s daughter was admitted solely based on her socioeconomic background. “We certainly condemn bribery, but we would also like to…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Nation’s Flag Nerds Anxiously Watching D.C. Statehood Push

Tue, 2019-03-12 15:23

WASHINGTON—Following a House of Representatives vote to support statehood for the District of Columbia, sources confirmed Tuesday that the nation’s flag nerds were breathless with anticipation, imagining all the potential configurations of stars and stripes that might result from adding a new state. “For years,…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

China Grounds All 737 Max 8 Planes Following Crash

Tue, 2019-03-12 15:15

After two crashes of such planes and the deaths of hundreds, China ordered the grounding of all Boeing 737 Max 8s until further inspections have been performed. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Giants Consider Drafting Quarterback To Mentor Eli Manning

Tue, 2019-03-12 14:00

NEW YORK—Insisting that they didn’t want to push the 38-year-old signal caller onto the field before he’s ready, Giants general manager Dave Gettleman told reporters Tuesday that the team was considering drafting a quarterback to mentor Eli Manning. “I think it will be good to keep Eli on the bench for a year or two…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

New Iowa Poll Finds Majority Of Democrats Would Vote For Candidate Named ‘Bobby Cheeseburger’

Tue, 2019-03-12 13:56

DES MOINES, IA—Offering new insight into the preferences of Democratic voters, a poll released Tuesday by The Des Moines Register and CNN found that nearly 60 percent of likely Iowa caucus-goers would support a presidential candidate with the name Bobby Cheeseburger. “As many as 47 percent of those surveyed indicated…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors

Tue, 2019-03-12 13:20

WASHINGTON—Insisting that the technology was far too complex and required significant scientific knowledge to use, President Donald Trump complained Tuesday about the overly complicated controls needed to operate modern-day doors. “Doors these days are way too intricate and confusing for the average person to open or…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Butterfly Under Immense Pressure Not To Fuck Up Timeline With Misplaced Wing Flap

Tue, 2019-03-12 11:34

MANAUS, BRAZIL—Paralyzed by the infinite possibilities involved in moving from his branch, a Menelaus blue morpho butterfly admitted Tuesday that he was uncomfortably aware of the potential to irrevocably damage our timeline with a single misplaced beat of his wings. “I’d really like to flit over to the fern, but the…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion