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Updated: 17 hours 36 min ago

Stephen Miller Hurt At Being Passed Over For Job Stalking Female Ambassador

Thu, 2020-01-16 17:40

WASHINGTON—After learning that Ukraine police had opened an investigation into whether associates of the president had surveilled the diplomat in Kyiv last year, White House senior advisor Stephen Miller was reportedly upset Thursday at being passed over for a job stalking female U.S. ambassador Marie Yovanovitch.…

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2019 Second-Hottest Year On Record

Thu, 2020-01-16 17:06

Climate data collected by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration and NASA found that last year was the second-hottest year on record, continuing a worrying trend that has resulted in the planet warming 1.8 degrees Fahrenheit (or almost 1 degree Celsius) in the past 50 years. What do you think?

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CNN Audio Analysis Reveals Biden Caught On Wet Mic While Chewing On Own Microphone

Thu, 2020-01-16 14:24

DES MOINES, IA—Emphasizing that the leaked recording would clear up any confusion about the various crunching, slurping, and gurgling sounds heard after the Iowa Democratic Debate, CNN released a wet mic audio analysis Thursday that revealed Joe Biden had been caught chewing on his own microphone. “While at first, the…

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Study Estimates Half Of U.S. Adults Will Be Obese By 2030

Thu, 2020-01-16 10:00

Nearly half of U.S. adults will be obese by 2030 and one-fourth will be severely so, according to a new study by the JPF Foundation based on a decades-long federal study. What do you think?

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Human Trafficker Not Getting Any Traction On This One

Thu, 2020-01-16 09:30

ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA—Explaining that he’s been advertising the girl for months now without getting so much as a nibble from prospective buyers, local human trafficker Cheslav Prokopyev told reporters Thursday that he just hasn’t been able to get any traction on this one. “Man, I’m really starting to worry Natalia…

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Tips For Flying With A Pet

Thu, 2020-01-16 09:00
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Man Afraid He’ll Seem Vulnerable If He Reaches Out To Fire Department For Help

Thu, 2020-01-16 08:00

WILMER, TX—Fretting over what such a display of weakness would do to his reputation, local man Neil Rockfield told sources Thursday he was afraid of seeming vulnerable if he reached out to the fire department for help with an out-of-control blaze. “I always learned growing up that a real man puts out his own house…

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House To Send Impeachment Articles To Senate

Wed, 2020-01-15 18:30

After a 228-to-193 vote in favor of proceeding, the House of Representatives will send two articles of impeachment against President Trump to the Senate despite concerns about Senate Leader Mitch McConnell’s impartiality and refusal to call witnesses to testify in the trial. What do you think?

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Public Disapproval Of Iran Approach Convinces Trump To Reverse Soleimani Killing

Wed, 2020-01-15 15:22

WASHINGTON—Backtracking in light of recent polls that indicate public dismay over his handling of Iran, President Trump announced Wednesday he was moving forward with a plan to reverse the killing of top Iranian general Qassem Soleimani. “I have overturned the decision to assassinate Gen. Soleimani and ordered our…

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Democrats Attend Last Debate Before Start Of Voting

Wed, 2020-01-15 15:00

Featuring the field’s first all-white debate stage and the potential for escalating conflict between candidates, viewers tuned into the seventh and final Democratic debate before caucus voting begins in Iowa. What do you think?

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Scientists Still Unable To Determine Whether Yes A Good Band

Wed, 2020-01-15 14:21

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Following a three-decade-long, multimillion-dollar study to evaluate the progressive rock group’s music, a team of scientists at Harvard University announced Wednesday that they were no closer to determining if the British band Yes is good or not. “While deep sonic analysis reveals technically…

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Biden Asks Advisors How Much Longer He Has To Pretend To Be Confused And Doddering To Avoid Criticism

Wed, 2020-01-15 13:55

DES MOINES, IA—Cutting off his chief strategist midway through a daily meeting to express his unwillingness to continue the deception much longer, former Vice President Joe Biden reportedly asked advisors Wednesday how much longer he has to go through the routine of acting confused and doddering in order to avoid…

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Pros And Cons Of Economic Sanctions

Wed, 2020-01-15 12:58

Economic sanctions, in which a country levies financial penalties against another country, entity, or person, are at the center of tense U.S.–Iran relations, and their use in general is a matter of significant debate. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of economic sanctions.

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Morbid Visit Home Begins With Grandfather Only Able To Complete Single Flying Crane Backflip Kick To Ward Off Intruders

Wed, 2020-01-15 12:43

HONG KONG—Watching with growing discomfort as the 75-year-old groaned and winced in pain, college student Gordon Cheng expressed concern Wednesday during a visit home upon realizing that his grandfather was able to land only a single flying crane backflip kick while fighting off a group of intruders. “It’s sad that…

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Top 10 Things To Do In New York City

Wed, 2020-01-15 10:08

Midtown skyscraper where people go to snap a memorable photo or trudge into yet another day of soulless, mind-numbing work.

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Pete Buttigieg Trapped In Freezer After Searching Iowa Diner For Back Room With High-Rolling Donors

Wed, 2020-01-15 09:57

BETTENDORF, IOWA—Shivering and shouting for help as his plan to find his supporters went awry, presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg was reportedly trapped in a walk-in freezer Thursday after searching an Iowa diner for its back room with high-rolling donors. “Help! Help! Can anyone hear me? I don’t understand where…

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