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Elizabeth Warren Spends Evenings Tutoring Underperforming Candidates On Creating Comprehensive Policy

Thu, 2019-06-06 14:11

AMES, IA—Hoping to give them the tools they will need to succeed in the 2020 election, White House hopeful Elizabeth Warren has been spending her evenings tutoring underperforming presidential candidates on how to craft comprehensive policy proposals, sources reported Thursday. “Given my expertise in this area, I…

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Media Urged Not To Release Names Of Any More Presidential Candidates In Effort To Prevent Copycats

Thu, 2019-06-06 13:28

WASHINGTON—Warning that the promise of publicity and notoriety is often exactly what motivates a run for the White House in the first place, media ethics groups called on news outlets Thursday to stop releasing the names of presidential candidates, part of an effort to stem the tide of copycats. “When a person…

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Sony Reveals PlayStation 5 Will Feature Fully Functioning Breakfast Sandwich Maker

Thu, 2019-06-06 13:20

In the latest tantalizing peek at the next-gen hardware, Sony just revealed their upcoming PS5 will feature a fully functional breakfast sandwich maker. Clearly, this is Sony going all-in on the promise of a future where gamers can seamlessly transition from gaming to enjoying a perfectly made egg sandwich.

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Trump Vows Tariffs Against Mexico

Thu, 2019-06-06 11:43

Despite fears of upsetting trade and destabilizing the economy, President Trump announced plans to impose tariffs on Mexican goods imported into the U.S. as part of his effort to stem immigration across the southern border. What do you think?

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Maze With Cheese In Center Enters Human Trials Following Decades Of Testing On Mice

Thu, 2019-06-06 08:35

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Announcing that extensive testing on lower-order rodents has proven the behavioral puzzle fit for general use, a group of Harvard University psychologists who have spent their careers developing a maze with cheese in the center have announced that they have entered human trials following decades of…

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Dedicated Warriors Fan Contends He Was Obnoxious Asshole Long Before Team Got Good

Wed, 2019-06-05 19:50

OAKLAND, CA—Bragging that he had been committed to this far longer than all the front-runners, longtime Golden State Warriors fan Marcus McBain insisted to reporters Wednesday that he was an obnoxious asshole long before the team got good. “So many people act like hardcore Warriors fans just appeared when they started…

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World Commemorates Tiananmen Square Protest 30th Anniversary

Wed, 2019-06-05 15:08

Thirty years after the pro-democracy uprising, the world commemorated the Tiananmen Square protest movement amidst the Chinese government’s censorship of the event’s history. What do you think?

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‘Hold Still,’ Says Eric Trump Swinging Sword At Don Jr. Trapped Inside Knight’s Armor

Wed, 2019-06-05 14:25

LONDON—Concentrating as he lined up the 19th-century saber against the plate mail cutting off his brother’s breathing, Eric Trump reportedly shouted, “Hold still!” Wednesday before swinging a sword at the knight’s armor Don Jr. was trapped inside at Buckingham Palace.“Okay, on a count of three, I’m gonna whack you…

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Paranoid Chinese Government Erases All Evidence Of Country’s Existence From Internet

Wed, 2019-06-05 14:10

BEIJING—In an effort to completely stamp out any possibility of political unrest, officials within the Chinese government have scrubbed from the internet all evidence that might suggest their nation exists, according to a highly classified internal report obtained by reporters Wednesday. “To ensure the safety of our…

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Most Significant Trade Wars In U.S. History

Wed, 2019-06-05 13:58

President Trump’s newly implemented tariffs against China have escalated the trade war between the two countries, continuing a long history of American trade conflicts with wide-ranging consequences. The Onion looks back at the most significant trade wars in U.S. history.

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Tim Cook Torn Limb From Limb By Mob Of Moms Demanding To Know Whether iTunes Gift Cards Still Active

Wed, 2019-06-05 12:33

CUPERTINO—Holding their receipts aloft as they seized the tech executive, a mob of irate mothers reportedly tore Apple CEO Tim Cook limb from limb Wednesday, demanding to know whether their iTunes gift cards would still be active after the app shut down. “Mr. Cook! Mr. Cook! What about our hard-earned money? My son…

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Andrew McCutchen Embarrassed He Somehow Hurt Himself Playing Baseball

Wed, 2019-06-05 12:21

PHILADELPHIA—Trying desperately to come up with a less emasculating explanation for the injury, Andrew McCutchen admitted Wednesday that he was too embarrassed to tell everyone that he actually got hurt playing baseball. “God, this is humiliating. How do you get hurt just running around a stupid baseball diamond?…

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Everything We Know About ‘Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare’

Wed, 2019-06-05 12:03

With a hot new trailer teasing a fresh take on the series, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare has suddenly jumped up on every shooter fan’s must-have list. Here’s what we know so far about the reimagining of the iconic franchise.

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Apple Shutting Down iTunes

Wed, 2019-06-05 09:30

After nearly two decades of the iconic music software, Apple will shut down iTunes to break it into several refreshed apps for music, movies, TV, and podcasts. What do you think?

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Market Rallies After Fed Chief Shows Off Huge Wad Of Cash

Wed, 2019-06-05 09:00

NEW YORK—As the S&P advanced 0.9% the moment awestruck investors saw all the bills spread out in a dramatic fan, financial experts confirmed that the U.S. stock market rallied significantly Wednesday following the Federal Reserve chairman Jay Powell’s flamboyant display of a huge wad of cash. “Holy shit is that a fat…

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Therapist Who Spent Decade Working With Sex Trafficking Survivors Urges Client To Go On About How Boss Is Sometimes Too Curt

Wed, 2019-06-05 08:00

CHICAGO—Encouraging her patient to really explore the various annoyances of workplace culture, therapist Dr. Brittany Mendoza, who wrote her doctoral thesis on the long-term effects of trauma on survivors of sex trafficking and has worked with survivors for over a decade, spent almost an hour Wednesday urging client…

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Cleveland Indians Game Delayed As Slider Goes Into Labor On Field

Tue, 2019-06-04 19:50

CLEVELAND—Halting play and rushing team doctors on field after the mascot reported feeling painful contractions, the Cleveland Indians were forced to delay a game Tuesday after Slider began to go into labor on the field. “After we saw this purple viscous puddle on the grass, we realized Slider’s water had broken. We…

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Trump Arrives For U.K. State Visit

Tue, 2019-06-04 15:04

In a visit that will encompass a royal visit with the Queen, a diplomatic banquet, and a wave of planned protests, President Trump arrived in the U.K. for a state visit this week. What do you think?

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