The Onion

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Updated: 10 hours 35 min ago

Man Playing ‘Battlefield V’ Has Now Spent More Of Life Fighting Nazis Than Grandfather Did

Tue, 2019-03-12 11:23

JOPLIN, MO—After dedicating an immense portion of his spare time to battling the Axis forces in Europe, avid Battlefield V player Jacob Dunford, 36, has, as of 2:45 a.m. Tuesday, spent more of his life fighting Nazis than his grandfather Martin did in World War II. Several reports indicated that Dunford, whose service…

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New York’s Chrysler Building Selling At 80% Discount

Tue, 2019-03-12 09:02

A New York real estate firm is buying the iconic Chrysler Building for $150 million, a sum that is nearly 81 percent less than what it was purchased for in 2008 due to the unique challenges of operating an aging building. What do you think?

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We Didn’t Start The Choir

Tue, 2019-03-12 08:54
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Dirk Nowitzki Shatters Backboard Glass With Powerful Soprano Singing Voice

Mon, 2019-03-11 17:13

DALLAS—Bringing spectators to their feet with a stunning display of showmanship, Dallas Mavericks power forward Dirk Nowitzki shattered the glass of a backboard Wednesday night with his powerful soprano singing voice. “It was mind blowing—I didn’t think he could still get that high at his age,” said Mavericks teammate…

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U.S.-Backed Forces In Syria Begin Attack On Final ISIS Encampment

Mon, 2019-03-11 17:09

U.S.-backed forces are assaulting the last ISIS-held encampment in Syria with the aims of ending territorial gains that once included one-third of Iraq and Syria. What do you think?

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Tucker Carlson Spends Entire Show Screaming Over Child Bride He Invited On To Debate Him

Mon, 2019-03-11 14:42

NEW YORK—After promising to let anyone who disagrees with his views come on his program to explain why, Tucker Carlson spent the entire taping of his show Monday loudly and repeatedly interrupting the child bride he had invited on to debate him about underage marriage. “Ma’am, ma’am! You’ll have your chance to talk,…

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Dress That Would Have Forever Altered Course Of Woman’s Life Patted, Placed Back On Rack

Mon, 2019-03-11 14:39

LOUISVILLE, KY—Smoothing down the garment before carefully placing it back on the rack, local woman Alicia McNaughton chose to pass up on the dress Monday that would have reportedly altered the course of her life forever. “Maybe this one just isn’t for me,” said McNaughton, abandoning forever the elegantly cut dress,…

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‘New York Times’ Corrects Story By Admitting They Burned Venezuela Aid Convoy

Mon, 2019-03-11 13:02

NEW YORK—Explaining that new information contradicting earlier reporting had come to light, The New York Times corrected a previous story Monday by admitting that they actually burned a recently destroyed Venezuela aid convoy. “After further review, those responsible for lighting Molotov cocktails and destroying…

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CBS Sitcoms Under Fire For Using Prison Laughter

Mon, 2019-03-11 12:51

BURBANK, CA—Criticizing the network for the cruel and unusual treatment, inmate rights groups blasted CBS programming executives Friday after evidence revealing the use of prison laughter on their sitcoms became public. “Evidently, incarcerated men and women are forced to sit and watch hour after hour of live taping.…

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DNC To Avoid Primary Debates On Fox

Mon, 2019-03-11 12:37

Citing a recent New Yorker article that described the network’s “propagandistic” coordination with the Trump White House, the Democratic National Committee elected to bar Fox News from hosting its primary debates. What do you think?

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Scholars Say Constitution Is Open To Differing Interpretations Because Nobody Can Read That Crazy Script

Mon, 2019-03-11 12:12

WASHINGTON—As they cleaned their eyeglasses and stared at the faded, yellowing document through squinted eyes, the nation’s top constitutional scholars admitted Monday that the U.S. Constitution is open to differing interpretations because no one can read that crazy script. “After the heated negotiations of the…

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Recovering Alcoholic Pissed He Hit Rock Bottom Before Craft Beer Boom

Mon, 2019-03-11 11:49

NEWPORT, RI—Regretting that he never got a chance to sample even a single imperial stout during his years abusing alcohol, recovering alcoholic Scott Rimer expressed bitterness Monday that he had the misfortune to reach the lowest point of his life before the craft beer boom. “Goddammit. I can’t believe I hopelessly…

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Paul Manafort Given 47 Months In Prison

Fri, 2019-03-08 16:26

President Trump’s former campaign chairman Paul Manafort was sentenced to under four years in prison on Thursday after being convicted of tax and bank fraud. What do you think?

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Bored Iowa Town Trying To Convince Kirsten Gillibrand It Local Tradition To Eat Live Tarantula

Fri, 2019-03-08 14:53

SAYLORVILLE, IA—Assuring the New York senator the custom has been observed by seven generations of proud Saylorville citizens, several bored Iowans reportedly decided Friday they would try to convince visiting White House hopeful Kirsten Gillibrand that it’s a local tradition to eat live tarantulas. “It would sure…

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