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Updated: 17 hours 33 min ago

Cereal Too Crispy, Needs To Soak

Wed, 2020-01-15 09:52
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CNN Reminds Debate Participants To Keep Personal Attacks Off The Stage In Favor Of New Confession Cam Backstage

Tue, 2020-01-14 23:38

DES MOINES, IA—Reaffirming their commitment to facilitating a civil, constructive event, CNN moderators reminded Democratic debate participants Tuesday to keep personal attacks off the stage in favor of the new confessional cam backstage. “We want to have an honest discussion about policies and positions, so if you…

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CNN Moderator Challenges Sanders’ Support For Women By Asking Him To Name Every Part Of Female Reproductive System

Tue, 2020-01-14 23:01

DES MOINES, IA—In light of the Democratic presidential candidate’s alleged comments on the electiblity of a female candidate, CNN debate moderator Wolf Blitzer challenged Bernie Sanders Tuesday to prove his support for women by accurately naming each part of the female reproductive system. “All of them—you have 30…

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CNN Figures It Can Soak Tom Steyer For Couple Million By Pretending It Costs Money To Appear In Debate

Tue, 2020-01-14 21:43

DES MOINES, IA—Speculating that the candidate would not raise an objection to any sum they named, CNN officials reported Tuesday that they figured the network could soak Tom Steyer for a few million simply by pretending that it costs money to appear in that evening’s debate. “Here’s what I’m thinking: We just rattle…

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Democratic Candidates Immediately Descend Into Violent Pandemonium Without Cory Booker’s Message Of Love

Tue, 2020-01-14 17:49

DES MOINES, IA—Following the New Jersey senator’s decision to end his bid for the White House, sources confirmed Tuesday that without Cory Booker’s message of love and unity to hold it together, a bloody wave of chaos and rage had spread through the Democratic presidential field. According to eyewitnesses, absent…

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Queen Elizabeth II Allows Prince Harry, Meghan Markle To Split Time Between U.K., Canada

Tue, 2020-01-14 17:37

Saying she respects the couple’s hopes to “live a more independent life as a family,” Queen Elizabeth II announced she will allow Prince Harry and Meghan Markle to transition to end their reliance on public funds and split their time between the United Kingdom and Canada. What do you think?

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5G Technology By The Numbers

Tue, 2020-01-14 16:05
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Sanders Campaign Doubles Down With New Ad Warning Americans They’ll Never Be Able To Hear A Female President Over The Sound Of Her Vacuum

Tue, 2020-01-14 15:16

DES MOINES—Responding to accusations by members of the Elizabeth Warren campaign that he told her in a 2018 conversation that he didn’t believe a woman could win the presidency, the Bernie Sanders campaign doubled down Tuesday with a new television ad warning Americans that they’ll never be able to hear a female…

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Booker Drops Out Of 2020 Race

Tue, 2020-01-14 14:30

Cory Booker announced on Monday that he will suspend his run for the Democratic Party presidential nomination, ending a campaign nagged by low polling numbers and fundraising totals and leaving the race with only one African American candidate in former Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick. What do you think?

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Swing Voter Really Relates To Buttigieg’s Complete Lack Of Conviction

Tue, 2020-01-14 13:21

DES MOINES, IA—Praising the former South Bend, IN mayor as a “true champion” of nothing in particular, local swing voter Chris Fernsby told reporters Tuesday he felt a deep connection with presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg’s complete lack of conviction. “As a generally noncommittal person without any firm ideas…

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Degeneration Gap

Tue, 2020-01-14 09:00
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Cash-Strapped Men’s Wearhouse Now Offering Free Measurements Of Whatever The Hell You Want

Tue, 2020-01-14 08:30

FREMONT, CA—In an effort to increase foot traffic at their 1,667 locations nationwide, struggling retailer Men’s Wearhouse announced Tuesday that, effective immediately, they would provide free measurements of whatever the hell customers wanted. “We’ve trained our associates to go beyond sleeves and inseams to measure…

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American Cancer Society Reports Largest-Ever Drop In Cancer Rates

Mon, 2020-01-13 18:37

Thanks to a decline in smoking and better treatments for lung cancer, the American Cancer Society reported a 2.2% drop in cancer from 2016 to 2017, the largest-ever reported change since record-keeping began in 1930. What do you think?

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Boeing Scrambling After New CEO Catches Fire During First Press Conference

Mon, 2020-01-13 17:46

CHICAGO—Emphasizing that the 62-year-old executive was just experiencing minor technical issues and would be back behind the podium shortly, Boeing officials scrambled to do damage control Monday after their new CEO Dave Calhoun erupted into flames during his first press conference. “I assure you, Mr. Calhoun is one…

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Cory Booker Drops Out Of 2020 Rat Race After Falling In Love With Small-Town Iowa Life

Mon, 2020-01-13 15:19

ALGONA, IA—Sitting in the diner where he now eats breakfast every morning, Senator Cory Booker announced Monday that he was dropping out of the 2020 rat race after falling in love with small-town Iowa life. “I’ve spent my whole life worrying about my career, chasing the next big position, but after spending all this…

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Report: Under One-Third Of Iowa, New Hampshire Voters Settled On Candidate

Mon, 2020-01-13 15:00

With February’s primary and caucus votes rapidly approaching, a recent CBS/YouGov poll found only one-third of Iowa and New Hampshire voters are settled on a Democratic candidate, leaving the race for the presidential nomination wide open in the leadup to the election. What do you think?

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