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Fringe Catholic Sect Doesn’t Tolerate Child Abuse

Wed, 2019-02-06 14:24

ST. LOUIS—Explaining that the offshoot group remained on the religion’s periphery due to their inflexible belief system, sources confirmed Wednesday that a fringe Catholic sect doesn’t tolerate child abuse. “While this splinter group considers themselves followers of Christ and his teachings, it’s important to note…

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Disconcerted Woman Has No Memory Of Telling Dressing Room Attendant Her Name

Wed, 2019-02-06 12:44

CHICAGO—Confused and unsettled after an employee at the clothing retailer called her by her name, area woman Christine Forberg, 28, confirmed she had no memory of telling the dressing room attendant at a local Gap store who she was. “She unlocked a dressing room for me and said ‘Let me know if you need any other…

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Report: Papa Will Be So Very Cross You’ve Lost Grandfather’s Hunting Cap

Wed, 2019-02-06 12:33

YORKSHIRE, ENGLAND—Lamenting the heedless manner in which you handled a most cherished accoutrement, sources opined Wednesday that Papa shall be so very cross you’ve lost Grandfather’s hunting cap. “Papa will simply throw a fit, a very conniption or temper, to learn that his own father’s homburg—as fine a specimen of…

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Lonely Elderly Man Visits Pond To Pelt Ducks With Rocks

Wed, 2019-02-06 12:03

ROCK ISLAND, IL—Explaining that his frequent visits to the creatures helped give him a much-needed sense of perspective in his old age, Louis Ross, 78, confirmed Wednesday that he fought feelings of loneliness by visiting the families of ducks at his local pond and savagely pelting them with rocks. “It’s so calm out…

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The Onion’s 2019 Grammy Predictions

Wed, 2019-02-06 10:43

On Feb. 10, the 61st Grammy Awards will honor some of the music industry’s most talented artists and many others. Here are The Onion’s picks for this year’s Grammy winners.

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Study Finds Sedentary Lifestyle Puts Millions Of Americans At Risk Of Becoming Beautiful Just The Way They Are

Wed, 2019-02-06 10:41

WALTHAM, MA—Providing new insights into the aesthetic implications of general inactivity among adults, a study published Monday at Brandeis University revealed that increasingly sedentary lifestyles, when combined with a decline in recreational exercise and a national diet trending ever higher in fats and starches,…

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5 Things To Know About Cory Booker

Wed, 2019-02-06 10:37
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Ben Affleck To Leave Role Of Batman

Wed, 2019-02-06 10:29

In a social media post, Ben Affleck confirmed that he will not take part in an upcoming 2021 Batman film, signaling his departure from the role he has played for several movies in the DC Extended Universe. What do you think?

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Cold Panic Grips Stacey Abrams As Trump Begins Delivering Speech Almost Identical To One She Wrote

Tue, 2019-02-05 22:42

WASHINGTON—Breaking into an anxious sweat while listening to the State of the Union address, Stacy Abrams reportedly suffered a panic attack Tuesday as she began to realize that President Trump was delivering a speech nearly identical to the one she already wrote. “Dammit, it’s not word for word, but all the same…

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Guests’ Chairs Tilt, Spray Water At Them During First-Ever 4D State Of The Union Address

Tue, 2019-02-05 22:16

WASHINGTON—As delighted shrieks and gasps echoed through the Capitol building, hundreds of vibrating chairs reportedly tilted and sprayed water Tuesday at a lively joint session of Congress during the nation’s first 4D State of the Union address. “So cool. The seats got bumpy and violently shook when Trump talked…

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Trump Claims Greatest Threat Facing Nation Toys Coming To Life While Owner Not In Room

Tue, 2019-02-05 22:08

WASHINGTON—In a State of the Union address largely devoted to what he described as “our gravest national security threat,” President Trump used his speech Tuesday night to warn the American people of the severe danger posed by toys coming to life when their owner leaves the room. “Folks, as soon as you close the door,…

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Top Democrats Call On Virginia Governor To Resign

Tue, 2019-02-05 17:05

After the release of photos appearing to show Ralph Northam in blackface or a Ku Klux Klan hood, top Democrats, including Senator Chuck Schumer, have called on the Virginia governor to resign. What do you think?

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Guilt-Ridden Stacey Abrams Wondering When She Should Tell Democrats That She Lost Her Election

Tue, 2019-02-05 15:32

WASHINGTON—Expressing a mixture of shame and confusion over her recent selection by Democrats to deliver their party’s official State of the Union response, Stacey Abrams wondered Tuesday exactly when she should confess to party leaders that she had lost her election. “I just got so wrapped up in the excitement over…

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Southern Poverty Law Center Admits They Have No Idea How Dannon Yogurt Company Got On Annual List Of Hate Groups

Tue, 2019-02-05 14:23

MONTGOMERY, AL—Expressing their confusion about the exact thought process behind the designation, the Southern Poverty Law Center admitted Tuesday that they had no idea how the Dannon Yogurt company had gotten onto their annual list of hate groups. “We pride ourselves on maintaining an accurate list of organizations…

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New ‘Avengers’ Fan Theory Suggests Key To Beating Thanos Could Be Nothing Because He Not Real And None Of This Exists

Tue, 2019-02-05 13:27

LOS ANGELES—Shedding light on a possible key plot point of the upcoming film Avengers: Endgame, an emerging theory among fans of the Marvel franchise suggests the key to beating Thanos could be nothing, nothing at all, because he isn’t real and none of this exists, sources reported Tuesday. “They left plenty of Easter…

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