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Coworker Following World Cup Goes All-In On Tenuous Family Connection To Portugal

Fri, 2018-06-15 17:32

WILKES-BARRE, PA—Confused by his sudden, passionate rooting interest in the Mediterranean country, coworkers of area consultant Adam Shetaro told reporters Friday he was going all-in on a tenuous familial connection to Portugal for the 2018 World Cup. “I’ve worked with Adam for almost four years now, and he’s never…

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Brooks Brothers Unveils New Line Of Monogramed Cum Rags

Fri, 2018-06-15 16:40

NEW YORK—Touting the new offering as the perfect gift for Father’s Day or any occasion to celebrate the fashionable man in your life, Brooks Brothers unveiled Friday a new line of monogramed cum rags. “Our high-quality, durable, and stylish cum rags are the only accessory you need to elevate a simple menswear ensemble…

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They Can Do Better

Fri, 2018-06-15 16:31
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Sessions Defends Separating Immigrant Families By Citing Senate Confirmation Vote

Fri, 2018-06-15 15:33

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the administration’s policy was rooted in a clear moral authority, Attorney General Jeff Sessions reportedly defended separating immigrant families Friday by citing his senate confirmation vote. “I would remind anyone concerned about the ethics of removing asylum-seekers from their children…

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MIT Researchers Create ‘Psychopath’ AI By Feeding It Reddit Data

Fri, 2018-06-15 15:05

Researchers at MIT have created a “psychopath” AI named Norman by training it using data from Reddit, saying that it produced highly disturbing and violent responses to standard prompts such as image captioning. What do you think?

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‘We Must Protect The Pure Aryan Bloodline,’ Says Child After 9 Minutes Of Unsupervised Facebook Access

Fri, 2018-06-15 14:06

PEABODY, MA—Having discovered the social media website open on his father’s unattended laptop, local 6-year-old Oliver Sherman stated “We must protect the pure Aryan bloodline” Friday after nine minutes of Facebook access without supervision. “There’s a white genocide going on in this country, and no one wants you to…

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Impatient Raytheon Declares War On North Korea

Fri, 2018-06-15 13:37

WALTHAM, MA—Saying that if the U.S. government would not act it was time to take matters into their own hands, defense contractor Raytheon declared war on North Korea, sources confirmed Friday. “Look, the American government has made it abundantly clear with their massive payments and subsidies to the private defense…

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$30 Million Donation From Chan-Zuckerberg Charity To Help Kids Learn To Read Returned

Fri, 2018-06-15 13:10

MENLO PARK, CA—A $30 million donation from a charity run by Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and his wife, Priscilla Chan, intended to help kids learn to read, has been returned following a resounding “fuck you” from the nation’s illiterate children, sources confirmed Friday. “Take this blood money and shove it up…

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Ethicists Worry Emergence Of Designer Babies Might Make Them Look Really Ugly In Comparison 

Fri, 2018-06-15 12:35

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Cautioning the public about one of the major potential drawbacks of genetically modifying embryos, ethicists at Harvard Medical School were reportedly worried Friday that the emergence of designer babies could make them look really ugly in comparison. “While gene editing has shown promise as a means of…

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‘You’re Deleting Your Account? We’ll Be Sad To See You Go,’ Says Facebook Prompt Showing User Photo Of Own Dead Body

Fri, 2018-06-15 11:32

FARMINGTON, NM—Providing an opportunity to rethink the decision to leave the social media site for good, a Facebook prompt reading “You’re deleting your account? We’ll be sad to see you go” appeared on user Emily Feldman’s computer screen Friday and showed her a photo of her own dead body. “Your family and friends…

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Daddy, I Don’t Want To Live In The World Your Website Has Created

Fri, 2018-06-15 10:55

Daddy, I’ve been thinking. I know I never talk to you about Facebook. You’ve worked really hard on it, and it means a lot to you, so as your daughter I’ve always tried to keep quiet whenever it comes up. But I just can’t stay silent anymore. It’s time for me to stand up for what’s right.

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Mark Zuckerberg Defends Decision To Fly Confederate Flag At Facebook Headquarters

Fri, 2018-06-15 10:00

MENLO PARK, CA—Claiming that the banner embodied the spirit of the company’s values, Mark Zuckerberg defended his controversial decision Friday to fly a Confederate flag at the Facebook headquarters. “Facebook considers itself an open environment that accepts all perspectives, and white nationalism is an important…

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Jared Kushner, Ivanka Trump Made $82 Million Last Year In Outside Income

Thu, 2018-06-14 17:33

While serving in the White House, Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner earned at least $82 million in a stake from the Trump International Hotel and other real estate investment. What do you think?

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