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‘Walking Dead’ Fans Split On Recent Harlem Globetrotters Crossover Episode

Fri, 2018-11-30 15:09

ATLANTA—Noting that late-season gimmicks have often had dire results for past series, fans of zombie drama The Walking Dead found themselves divided this week concerning a recent crossover episode featuring legendary basketball team the Harlem Globetrotters. “It was a nice touch of whimsy when the Globetrotter’s bus…

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Recruiter Saw Your Background In Computer Science And Thought Maybe You’d Be Interested In Working Part-Time At A Kohl’s In Sioux City

Fri, 2018-11-30 13:38

ROCKLAND, ME—Noting your undergraduate minor in data systems, a qualification which he claims makes you uniquely suited for the job, a corporate recruiter happened to notice your background in computer science and thought you might be interested in working part-time at a Kohl’s department store in Sioux City, IA,…

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Gimp Tied To Pole On Curb Outside Coffee Shop While Owner Inside

Fri, 2018-11-30 13:35

CHICAGO—Concerned about the welfare of the “cold and kind of lonely-looking” submissive chained to a street sign outside of a coffee shop, sympathetic passersby discussed the ethics Friday of leaving one’s gimp tied to a pole while one buys a latte. “It’s really cold out here, especially with this wind, and the poor…

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If I Die, I Want You To Tell My Wife I Wasn’t Really That Super Into Her

Fri, 2018-11-30 13:09

As I lie here, my vision starting to fade, I know I likely will not live to see my home again. The approach of death is terrifying, to be sure, but scarier still is leaving words unsaid to the woman I’ve spent so much of my life with. Should I not make it back to her in time, I need you to do something very important…

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Pros And Cons Of Teacher Tenure

Fri, 2018-11-30 13:03

Academic tenure continues to decline in U.S. institutions of higher learning, as colleges increasingly look to reduce tenure-track positions in favor of more flexibility in spending. The Onion examines at the pros and cons of giving teachers tenure.

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Undocumented Immigrant Population In U.S. Falls To 12-Year Low

Fri, 2018-11-30 12:04

A Pew Research Center survey found that the number of undocumented immigrants living in the U.S. has reached a 12-year low of 10.7 million, continuing a decade-long decline influenced by the recession and increased security measures. What do you think?

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Best Revenge: This Nerd Was Bullied Throughout High School, But Today He’s An Adult Who Owns Several Funko Pop Figurines

Fri, 2018-11-30 11:20

Throughout high school, Brian Hoffman was relentlessly mocked and bullied just for liking comic books and computer games. Ten years later, it turns out that being a geek really pays off in dividends: Eat your hearts out, bullies, because today Brian is an adult who owns several Funko Pop figurines.

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O, Holy Fight

Fri, 2018-11-30 09:42
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Democrats Pick Nancy Pelosi As Next House Speaker

Thu, 2018-11-29 18:48

More than a decade after she became the first female speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi is poised to again fill the role of majority leader for the Democrats. What do you think?

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Tips For Working From Home

Thu, 2018-11-29 18:20
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Study Finds Rising Sea Levels Result Of Expansive Colonization Effort By Dolphins

Thu, 2018-11-29 17:45

LOS ANGELES—In a discovery poised to overturn years of climate science research, a study released Thursday by UCLA’s Department of Oceanology revealed that rising sea levels are the result of an expansive colonization effort by the world’s dolphins. “It appears that much of the sea level rise attributed to global…

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Shop Class In Rich School District Just Teaches Students How To Deal With General Contractors

Thu, 2018-11-29 16:45

SCARSDALE, NY—Touting the ordinarily trade-school course as an opportunity for students to learn practical life skills, administrators of the Scarsdale Public School District confirmed Thursday that their curriculum’s shop class teaches students how to deal with general contractors. “We’re happy to equip these kids…

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White House Calls Own Climate Change Report ‘Extreme,’ ‘Not Based On Fact’

Thu, 2018-11-29 16:14

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders criticized a climate report revealing the increasingly deadly climate change impacts the U.S. as “based on the most extreme model scenario” and not based on “facts,” despite the fact that the report was released by the Trump administration itself. What do you think?

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Man Hates Having To Wear Condoms All Day Every Day

Thu, 2018-11-29 15:37

FORT COLLINS, CO—Decrying the contraceptive device as an uncomfortable inconvenience, local man Michael Franklin revealed Thursday that he hates having to wear condoms all day every day. “It just doesn’t feel natural, and I barely get any sensation when I’m going about my day,” said Franklin, complaining that the…

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