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Sometimes, In My Lowest Moments, I Feel Like No One Would Even Care If I Dyed My Hair

Tue, 2018-10-09 09:40

Life can be pretty rough when you’re feeling down in the dumps. Maybe it starts because school is stressing you out, or you get into an argument with your best friend, or your big crush rejects you. Or maybe your life is actually going okay, but for some reason your mind keeps taking a turn down some pretty dark…

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Simple Joy Of Childhood Stolen From Toddler Who Was Just Told He Can’t Touch Own Genitals At Dinner Table

Tue, 2018-10-09 09:29

TOLEDO, OH—In a move that obliterated the final vestiges of his youthful innocence, toddler Charles Mankiewicz, 3, was told Tuesday that he could no longer touch his own genitals at the dinner table, robbing him forever of the simple joy of childhood. “Stop that,” said the child’s joyless parents, ensuring that the…

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Strange, Nightmarish Incident Results In Man Waking Up As Giant Kafka

Tue, 2018-10-09 09:10

DES MOINES, IA—In what experts are calling a bizarre and confusing incident, local man Allen McIntire reportedly awoke from troubled dreams Tuesday to find himself transformed into a gigantic Kafka. Sources confirmed that the traveling salesman, 30, remained in bed for several minutes after waking, struggling to come…

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Report: There Never Been A Better Time To Buy Than Right Now

Tue, 2018-10-09 08:51

YOUR LOCATION—Touting a limited-time offer that you simply couldn’t afford to pass up, a report released Tuesday urged you to order today given that there has never been a better time to buy than right now. “This incredible value could be yours for one low, low price, plus shipping and handling,” read the report in…

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Climate Scientists Confirm There’s Still Time To Blow Up The Earth

Mon, 2018-10-08 18:05

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND—Warning that millions would starve in the streets unless world leaders took decisive action, scientists representing the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change confirmed Monday that there was still time left to blow up the Earth before irreversible global warming condemned humanity to slow…

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Saudis Insist Missing Journalist Was Already Dismembered Before He Left Consulate

Mon, 2018-10-08 17:23

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Claiming that they could not have played a part in the disappearance, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman issued a statement Monday insisting that the exiled journalist Jamal Khashoggi, who went missing last week, had already been dismembered before he left the Saudi consulate in Istanbul.…

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Sexual Harassment May Have Lasting Health Effects On Women

Mon, 2018-10-08 16:45

A survey of 300 women conducted at the University of Pittsburgh found that sexual harassment in the workplace can result in reduced sleep and high blood pressure. What do you think?

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Senior Citizen Apparently Here To Fix Apartment Sink

Mon, 2018-10-08 16:28

MADISON, WI—Expressing concern that the octogenarian appears too feeble to get the job done, sources confirmed Monday that the apartment management company had apparently sent a senior citizen to fix the sink. “At first I thought he was a resident who had wandered away from his nursing home, but then he said he was…

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Middlebury Vermont Town Council Continues 242-Year Tradition Of American Democracy With 4-1 Vote To Rezone Lot For New Popeyes

Mon, 2018-10-08 15:30

MIDDLEBURY, VT—Following in the hallowed and time-honored civic footsteps of their forefathers, Middlebury town council members continued the 242-year tradition of American democracy Monday with 4-1 vote in favor of rezoning a residential lot to accommodate a new Popeyes Chicken franchise. “I’m always happy to support…

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Senate Confirms Brett Kavanaugh To Supreme Court

Mon, 2018-10-08 15:11

The Senate voted 50-48 to confirm Judge Brett Kavanaugh, President Trump’s second nominee to the Supreme Court, after a bitterly divided process including allegations of sexual misconduct. What do you think?

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Columbus Day Protests Once Again Erupt As Nation Struggles With Its Dark, Anti-Italian Past

Mon, 2018-10-08 14:48

WASHINGTON—In a continuation of decades of attempts to improve relations for the historically marginalized group, Columbus Day protests once again erupted across the United States Monday as the nation continues to struggle with the darkness of its anti-Italian past. “Unfortunately, ever since Italians have had a…

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Taylor Swift Breaks Political Silence To Throw Support Behind Restoring Shōgun To Throne Of Japan

Mon, 2018-10-08 13:39

NEW YORK—In a heartfelt social media statement to her fans, singer–songwriter Taylor Swift broke her long-standing political silence Monday to support restoring an all-powerful shōgun to its rightful place on the throne of Japan. “Hey guys, Taylor here—I’m writing this post because I’ve been inspired by recent events…

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Therapists Recommend Treating People Like Shit If You’re Having A Bad Day

Mon, 2018-10-08 12:45

ATHENS, GA—Explaining that the behavior provided multiple mental health benefits, a team of top therapists at the University of Georgia’s Department of Psychology issued a statement Monday recommending treating people like shit if you’re having a bad day. “We would strongly advise anyone who finds themselves feeling…

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Magpie Worried Mate Only Interested In Him For Collection Of Shiny Objects

Mon, 2018-10-08 11:17

SAN JOSE, CA—Unable to completely dismiss his doubt over his partner’s motives, a male North American black-billed magpie admitted Monday his concerns that his mate was only interested in him for the vast collection of shiny objects lining his nest. “I invited her over to the tree to chill, but she spent more time…

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Pope Francis Renounces Papacy After Falling In Love With Beautiful American Divorcee

Mon, 2018-10-08 09:48

VATICAN CITY—Saying he could no longer fulfill his duties as the leader of the Catholic Church, Pope Francis officially renounced the papacy Monday after admitting that he had fallen in love with a beautiful American divorcee. “I cannot effectively complete my obligations as the Supreme Pontiff while also pursuing a…

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Atlanta Plans Change To Names Of Streets Honoring Confederacy

Fri, 2018-10-05 17:29

Atlanta announced plans to change the name of several streets honoring the Confederacy, noting that “the imagery and symbolism of these names [...] represent systematic injustice, persecution and cruelty. That is not who we are as a city.” What do you think?

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