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Updated: 11 hours 18 min ago

Man Filming Childbirth Picks Up Some B-Roll Of Wife’s Vagina While Waiting For Baby To Crown

Fri, 2018-04-13 12:27

BOSTON—Hoping to minimize his downtime on set between contractions, expectant father Dan Hartfield spent a few hours Friday filming B-roll of his wife’s vagina while waiting for the baby to crown. “Perfect, this is looking fantastic. Honey, could you scoot down a smidge so I can get better light?” said Hartfield,…

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Woman Spends Entire Date Wondering If This The One She’ll Mace

Fri, 2018-04-13 10:00

COLUMBUS, OH—Contemplating her romantic future while staring deep into the eyes of her dining companion, area woman Emily Hopkins reportedly spent the duration of her date Friday wondering if this would be the one she’ll mace. “Call me silly, but like any woman on a first date, I can’t help wondering if he might be…

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A Real Shame: Brian Williams Is Being Forced To Resign From MSNBC After Leaked Documents Have Revealed That He’s A Hillbilly

Fri, 2018-04-13 09:25

Brian Williams once boasted a reputation of being the most trusted name in news, but he’s now found himself in the midst of a controversy that has left him utterly disgraced. In a shocking turn of events, the iconic broadcaster is being forced to resign from MSNBC after leaked documents have revealed that he’s a…

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Dermatologists Recommend Regularly Checking Body For Screaming Demonic Face Bulging Out Of Skin

Fri, 2018-04-13 09:00

NEW YORK—Saying it can be as easy as doing a quick once-over in the shower, the American Dermatological Association released a statement Friday recommending thorough, regular checks of the entire body for screaming demonic faces bulging out of your skin. “It’s important to catch these things early, so we suggest…

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Upcoming ‘Game Of Thrones’ Battle Reportedly Took 55 Days To Shoot

Fri, 2018-04-13 08:11

A producer for Game of Thrones revealed that a massive battle scene for the eighth and final season of the HBO fantasy series required 55 days of shooting, far longer than any other in the show’s history. What do you think?

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Down To The Wire: Kendrick Lamar Has A Big Concert On Wednesday And His Rap Tutor Is Out Of Town On Vacation

Fri, 2018-04-13 06:27

Kendrick Lamar has been crowned by many as one of rap’s most talented stars, but he’s never been pushed to the brink like this before: According to those close to the rapper, Kendrick Lamar has a big concert on Wednesday, and his rap tutor is out of town on vacation.

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Mike Pompeo Can’t Believe Senate Just Expects He’ll Answer Questions Without Being Tortured First

Thu, 2018-04-12 17:19

WASHINGTON—Expressing surprise at the relatively tame treatment he had received during his confirmation hearing, Secretary of State nominee Mike Pompeo told reporters Thursday that he can’t believe the Senate expected him to give answers without even being tortured first. “I thought I was supposed to be grilled on my…

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‘Look, Just Tell Us Who To Kill,’ Snaps U.S. General As Trump Enters 20th Minute Of Rambling Answer On Syria

Thu, 2018-04-12 16:54

WASHINGTON—Cutting the commander-in-chief off mid-sentence and demanding that he give them a straight answer, U.S. General Paul Selva reportedly snapped “Look, just tell us who to kill” Thursday as President Donald Trump entered the 20th minute of a rambling answer about what to do in Syria. “With all due respect, Mr.…

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Convulsing Teen Bleeding From Eyes, Nose Thinks He Can Feel The Synthetic Weed Kicking In

Thu, 2018-04-12 14:11

RICHMOND, VA—Acknowledging that he was starting to experience a few paranoid hallucinations, local teen Josh Mashburn reportedly thought Thursday that the involuntary convulsions and profuse bleeding from his eyes and nose were signs that the synthetic weed was finally kicking in. “At first, I thought the stuff might…

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Aides Trying To Talk Trump Out Of Sending Associates To Break Into Watergate Office Complex 

Thu, 2018-04-12 14:08

WASHINGTON—Stressing the importance of thinking long and hard about what a scandal like that could do to his career, White House aides spent hours Thursday trying to talk Donald Trump out of sending associates to break into the Watergate office complex. “Mr. President, I don’t think anyone from the DNC has worked…

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Paul Ryan Will Not Seek Reelection

Thu, 2018-04-12 13:42

Speaker Paul D. Ryan announced Wednesday that he will not seek reelection in November, ending his brief tenure in the House of Representatives and likely kicking off a battle for his successor. What do you think?

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Trump Boys Announce They Will Not Hesitate To Egg Russia If Provoked

Thu, 2018-04-12 12:48

WASHINGTON—Making it clear that they are fully prepared to use every means at their disposal to stand up against rival foreign powers, Donald Jr. and Eric Trump announced Thursday that if Russia continues to provoke the United States, they will not hesitate to egg targets in Moscow. “We like those guys, but make no…

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Nutritionists Recommend Increasing Intake Of Whatever Will Earn You Free T-Shirt From Restaurant

Thu, 2018-04-12 12:39

STORRS, CT—Researchers at the University of Connecticut’s Nutritional Sciences Department released a statement Thursday recommending Americans increase their intake of whatever food will earn them a free T-shirt. “Whether the meal required for nutritional and sartorial lifestyle supplementation be a five-pound…

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My Great-Grandfather Came To This Country With Nothing But $10 In His Pocket, $300,000 In His Bank Account, And A Dream

Thu, 2018-04-12 12:18

When I stop and think about all the strides my family has made since my great-grandfather Wenzel immigrated to America, I can’t help but be filled with pride. It all began with that brave first step Great-Grandpa took when he left his native Austria, not knowing what the future held in store. Things weren’t easy for…

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Supply Chain Migration

Thu, 2018-04-12 11:37
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