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Preview: ‘The Last Of Us Part II’ Will Explore Ellie’s Character Growth As She Focuses On Self-Care By Hiking And Taking A Pottery Class After Realizing She Can’t Control The Infected Around Her

Mon, 2019-04-29 12:19

A clicker leaps across a pile of bricks and rubble as the pounding rain blacks out the world beyond a narrow alley. A man crawls away in terror, slowly approaching the camera. As he calls for help, his hand presses against a window, blood smearing as he begs for someone to do something. We move back through the glass…

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After Decades As A Print-Only Publication, Onion Gamers Network Has Decided That The Internet Is The Future Of Video Game Journalism

Mon, 2019-04-29 12:08

Since our founding in 1947—years before the creation of video games—the Onion Gamers Network has remained at the forefront of interactive entertainment. In fact, our founder, Otto Helmut Zweibel, was originally ridiculed as a madman and fool for believing humanity would one day control miniature men using their…

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Melting Permafrost To Have $70 Trillion Impact, Study Finds

Mon, 2019-04-29 11:20

Without greater action to prevent global warming, melting arctic permafrost could cause $70 trillion in economic damages between now and 2300, according to a study published in Nature Communications. What do you think?

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Panic Rapidly Setting In As Man Realizes He Has No Plan For Ripe Avocado

Fri, 2019-04-26 17:06

BRENTWOOD, TN—Growing increasingly worked up over his lack of foresight, local man Alexander Diggs began to experience severe panic after realizing he had no plans for the ripe avocado on his kitchen counter, sources indicated Friday. “Oh God, no, no, no, please—I just picked this up yesterday, and it’s already going…

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Measles Roars Back At Record Pace

Fri, 2019-04-26 17:01

Owing to a lack of vaccinations and a rise in misinformation, the nationwide measles outbreak has soared to include 695 reported cases this year, the highest rate since the disease was declared eliminated in 2000. What do you think?

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Facebook Users Morbidly Curious What Site Going To Do With Their Personal Data To Recoup $5 Billion Fine

Fri, 2019-04-26 15:26

MENLO PARK, CA—Wondering how the social media giant will unethically exploit their personal data next, Facebook users conceded Friday they are morbidly curious to see what the company does to them in order to recoup its losses following a $5 billion Federal Trade Commission fine. “I know I’m probably not gonna like…

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Prison Returns Bag Of Semi-Automatic Guns, Hit List To Coast Guard Terror Suspect At Release

Fri, 2019-04-26 15:22

GREENBELT, MD—In an effort to ensure that all personal effects reached their rightful owner, prison officials returned the bag of semi-automatic weapons and a detailed hit list Friday to Coast Guard terror suspect Christopher Hasson upon his release. “Here you are, sir—your silencers, your sniper rifles. Anything else…

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David Bernhardt Denies Business Interests Influenced Yellowstone’s Name Change To Frito Lay Presents Doritos Flamin’ Hot Nacho National Park

Fri, 2019-04-26 13:29

WASHINGTON—Accusing the media of reading too far into the many signs featuring the flavored tortilla chips that are now installed in the park, acting United States secretary of the interior David Bernhardt categorically denied that business interests had influenced Yellowstone National Park’s name change to Frito Lay…

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Denver Nuggets Worried They Screwed Up Attempt To Tank For Zion Williamson

Fri, 2019-04-26 11:57

DENVER—Admitting that finishing with the second-best record in the Western Conference has been a bit of a setback for their draft plans, representatives from the Denver Nuggets worried Friday that they had screwed up their attempt to tank for top prospect Zion Williamson. “We thought Zion would be the building block…

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Elderly Man Feeling Useless In Retirement Wishes He Could Go Back To Feeling Useless At Work

Fri, 2019-04-26 09:48

SARASOTA, FL—Admitting he had encountered a new kind of emptiness in his life since leaving his job nine months ago, 67-year-old Matthew Whalen confided to reporters Friday that he was feeling useless in retirement and secretly wished he could just go back to feeling useless at work. “Until I quit working, I never…

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Tips For The Perfect Picnic

Fri, 2019-04-26 09:45

As springtime blooms and summer awaits, it’s the perfect time for a picnic. The Onion provides tips for a fun, stress-free picnic.

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Field Museum Officials Announce Long-Awaited Pregnancy Of Prized T-Rex

Fri, 2019-04-26 09:41

CHICAGO—Expressing their elation at the rare specimen’s successful mating, Field Museum officials announced the long-awaited pregnancy of Sue, the museum’s beloved T-rex, in a press conference Friday. “When we first acquired Sue, we were somewhat worried because she just hung around her exhibit all day and seemed to…

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FAA Gives Google Approval For Delivery Drone Flights

Fri, 2019-04-26 09:31

The Federal Aviation Administration has certified Alphabet’s Wing Aviation delivery service to operate as an airline, clearing the company to begin delivering goods to households in a way representatives believe will save resources and reduce pollution. What do you think?

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