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The Onion
Area Man Always Ready To Comment On Song’s Bridge
AKRON, OH—Shushing everyone as a passage linking two sections of the song began, area man Brandon Debner reportedly revealed Wednesday that he was always ready to comment on a song’s bridge. “Oh man, you’re gonna lose your mind when this bridge hits,” said Debner, playing air guitar as he explained in extreme detail…
Grandma Asks For Help Looking Up Rule 34 Images
WAUKEGAN, IL—Explaining that she wasn’t so good with all the technology that was out there these days, local grandmother Beatrice Rowland asked her grandson Dan Larkin for help looking up Rule 34 images, sources confirmed Thursday. “Honey, could you help me find a nice picture of Tom and Jerry sixty-nining? I want to…
Jared Leto Announces New Skincare Line For Him To Rub On Everyone Himself
LOS ANGELES—Expanding the products offered by his lifestyle brand Twentynine Palms, actor Jared Leto announced Thursday the release of a new skincare line for him to rub on all over everyone himself. “Our latest line of skincare features all-natural, botanical ingredients that fully activate when I massage them into…
Childless Couple Watches Empty Crib From Doorway
BILLINGS, MT—With tears in their eyes as they gazed at the room, local childless couple Harrison and Kylie Neubauer reportedly watched an empty crib Wednesday from the doorway. “Look at it. It’s so peaceful,” said Kylie Neubauer, who came rushing to the room after hearing the most adorable radio silence on the baby…
U-Haul Truck Carrying Nazi Flag ‘Intentionally’ Crashes Near White House
A driver has been arrested on charges of threatening to kill or harm the president, vice president, or their family members after he allegedly plowed a U-Haul truck into security barriers near the White House while carrying a Nazi flag. What do you think?
Man Embarrassed After Taking Bullet Intended For Person Behind Him
LUBBOCK, TX—Admitting that he assumed the guy was waving his gun at him, local man Jeffrey Regis confirmed Wednesday that he was embarrassed after taking a bullet intended for the person behind him. “Oh my god, I’m such an idiot—I totally thought those shots he fired were meant to go into my chest, skull, and arm,”…
NAACP Travel Advisory Warns Florida ‘Openly Hostile’ Toward African Americans
The NAACP issued a travel advisory for Florida, urging people to avoid the state due to Republican Gov. Ron DeSantis’ “aggressive attempts to erase Black history and to restrict diversity, equity and inclusion programs” in the state’s schools. What do you think?
Study Finds Average American Considers Biting Stranger 3 Times A Day
WASHINGTON—According to the results of a new study released Wednesday by the Pew Research Center, the average American considers biting a stranger three times a day. “We found that nearly 90% of American adults experience the uncontrollable urge to sink their teeth into the leg, arm, or face of a person they do not…
Couple Fighting After Man Admits He Doesn’t Even Know Girlfriend’s Dad’s Eye Color
SAN DIEGO—Feeling heartbroken and betrayed by his failure of her spontaneous pop quiz, local woman Sadie Vidale was reportedly fighting with her boyfriend Neal Jones on Thursday after he admitted he did not even know her dad’s eye color. “We’ve been together nearly two years, and you don’t even know the color of his…
Americans React To The Nation’s Masculinity Crisis
The Onion asked Americans why real, red-blooded men have been relegated to the dregs of society and replaced by weak-willed, feminine cucks.
Florida Bans Men From Becoming Nurses
TALLAHASSEE, FL—In a sweeping effort to curtail what he called “woke gender ideology,” Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis signed a new bill into law Wednesday banning men from becoming nurses. “Imagine how disturbed a child would be at the doctor’s office if a nurse stepped into the room to take their temperature and it was a…
Athletes Respond To LeBron James’ Rumored Retirement
After the Denver Nuggets swept the Los Angeles Lakers in the NBA’s Western Conference finals, LeBron James said he was uncertain about his future. The Onion asked professional athletes what they thought about the rumored retirement, and this is what they said.
Every Short Film At Festival About Widowed Father Learning To Braid Daughter’s Hair
NEW YORK—Exploring the touching stories that unfold following the sudden death of a beloved mother and wife, every short film showing at this year’s Tribeca Film Festival is about a widowed father learning to braid his daughter’s hair, sources confirmed Tuesday. All 76 short films featured in this year’s lineup are…
HBO Max Changes Name To ‘The Sloppy Sleepytime Television Engine: All Aboard!’
NEW YORK—Calling the rebranding an exciting way to unite its programming under one banner, streaming service HBO Max changed its name Tuesday to The Sloppy Sleepytime Television Engine: All Aboard! “Iconic series, unforgettable films, and the best reality television in the world—it’s all here on The Sloppy Sleepytime…
Chick-Fil-A’s First-Ever Restaurant Closes After 56 Years
Chick-fil-A’s first-ever restaurant, located in a mall in Atlanta, GA, has closed after more than half a century in business. What do you think?
Scientists Link Dwindling Insect Populations To Pale Weird Kid
DARMSTADT, GERMANY—Finding a potential root cause for a problem that has greatly perplexed scientists, a new report published Tuesday in the Journal Of Applied Entomology has linked dwindling global insect populations to this one pale weird kid. “We have seen a massive die-off of insects, a phenomenon that could…
Houseguest Offended After Host Only Offers Rawhide To Dog
SAN JOSE, CA—Saying she felt insulted and completely disrespected, area houseguest Laura Dempster told reporters Tuesday she was offended when her host, Paul Pulte, only offered rawhide to her dog. “Call me petty, but I found it incredibly rude that Paul would give the dog a rawhide and snub me,” said Dempster,…