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Twitter Begins Banning Threatening Accounts

Fri, 2017-12-22 18:17

Twitter began banning violent or abusive user accounts this week, including several notable white supremacists and leaders of the far-right. What do you think?

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Woman On First Date Feels Like She Could Spend Whole Life In Uncomfortable Silence With This Man

Fri, 2017-12-22 13:19

NORWICH, CT—Saying he might very well be the one, area woman Bethany Han told reporters Friday that she could imagine spending her whole life in uncomfortable silence with the man she was currently on a first date with. “I know we just met, but there’s something about Bill that makes me feel like I could awkwardly sit…

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Child Who Just Wanted Clothes Spares Uncle’s Feelings By Pretending To Like Xbox

Fri, 2017-12-22 11:44

HAVERHILL, MA—Doing his best to mask his disappointment that the package didn’t contain the cable-knit cashmere sweater he’d had his heart set on, local child Max Campbell reportedly spared his uncle’s feelings Friday by pretending to like the Xbox One X he received as a gift. “Thanks, Uncle Joe, I’ll definitely get a…

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Most Popular Passwords Of Year Include '123456' 'password'

Fri, 2017-12-22 11:27

According to a list compiled from leaked user data, this year’s most popular passwords include several perennial favorites such as “football,” as well as new passwords such as “starwars” and “iloveyou”. What do you think?

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Report: More Americans Forced To Sell Gold Pocket Watch In Order To Afford Set Of Fine Combs For Wife

Fri, 2017-12-22 11:22

NEW YORK—Citing the limited household budgets of many young married couples, a new report published Friday estimates that more Americans than ever this Christmas will be forced to sell a gold watch inherited from their father in order to buy a set of fine combs for their wife’s beautiful hair. “Wages have remained…

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FDA Approves Gene Therapy For Inherited Blindness

Thu, 2017-12-21 17:32

In a breakthrough in biomedicine, the FDA has approved a gene therapy for inherited blindness. What do you think?

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It’s A Sad State Of Affairs When We Can’t Even Refer To Every Holiday As Christmas

Thu, 2017-12-21 16:49

I’ve had it up to here with people trying to censor our nation’s most sacred traditions. In the name of so-called “inclusivity,” they go tearing up what remains of our Christian roots, making regular, everyday Americans like me feel like outcasts. It’s time for this sacrilege in our public lives to stop. Lately, it’s…

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Paul Ryan Confident American People Will Warm Up To Tax Plan Once They Realize Life A Cruel And Meaningless Farce

Thu, 2017-12-21 16:01

WASHINGTON—Saying the current disapproval would soon give way to support, House Speaker Paul Ryan was confident Thursday that the American people will warm up to the new tax plan once they realize life is a cruel and meaningless farce. “Although it may not be very popular now, I’m certain that Americans will come…

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Man Wondering When ‘Ocean's 8’ Trailer Going To Show Film’s Protagonist

Thu, 2017-12-21 15:48

VALDOSTA, GA—Growing increasingly frustrated as he watched the clips on his laptop, local man Terry Waskin on Thursday was reportedly wondering when the Ocean’s 8 trailer was going to show the film’s protagonist. “So far I see Sandra Bullock and the woman from Lord of the Rings, but who plays the main character?” said…

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Crazed, Froth-Mouthed Mother Demands Grandchildren Now

Thu, 2017-12-21 11:09

LAS CRUCES, NM—Snarling as she charged forward, crazed, froth-mouthed local mother Donna Gibson demanded grandchildren right now, sources reported Thursday. “I want precious grandbabies now! Now! Now! Now!” shrieked a wild-eyed Gibson into the face of her son and daughter-in-law as she lifted them up by their collars…

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Fox News Ends Year With Top Ratings

Thu, 2017-12-21 10:44

In spite of a year marred with scandal, Fox News has received top ratings for a news network in both overall viewership and the coveted 25-54 demographic. What do you think?

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Everyone In Sporting Goods Store Looking For Something To Get On Stepson’s Good Side

Thu, 2017-12-21 10:35

SANTA CLARITA, CA—Intently scanning the aisles for something that might convince the children they were okay guys after all, every customer at Dick’s Sporting Goods on Thursday was reportedly looking for something to get on his stepson’s good side. “Let’s see, Brandon’s got a Dodgers poster in his room so maybe a…

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Disney Debuts Animatronic Donald Trump In Hall Of Presidents

Wed, 2017-12-20 17:42

Walt Disney World has reopened its popular Hall of Presidents attraction with a robotic Donald Trump, who recites a special speech recorded by the 45th president himself. What do you think?

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Study Finds Fewer Millennials Want To Live

Wed, 2017-12-20 16:52

WALTHAM, MA—Signaling a major shift in demographic preferences, a study published Wednesday by Brandeis University found that fewer millennials want to live. “In contrast to previous generations that regarded living as a core part of their identity, millennials as a whole seem indifferent or even highly resistant to…

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