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Britney Spears’ Conservatorship Ends After 13 Years

Mon, 2021-11-15 17:52

A judge ruled last week to finally end Britney Spears’ conservatorship under her father that lasted nearly 14 years, giving the pop star the freedom to make her own medical, financial and personal decisions for the first time since 2008. What do you think?

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Telltale Signs You Are Gentrifying Your Neighborhood

Mon, 2021-11-15 16:00

Oh, please, you know exactly why your neighborhood is suddenly a “hot” place to live. Here are several signs you are gentrifying your neighborhood.

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Patrick Leahy Announces He Won’t Seek Reelection To Make Room For Next Generation Of 70-Year-Olds

Mon, 2021-11-15 15:00

WASHINGTON—Stressing that he already had his turn in the seat of power, Senator Patrick Leahy (D-VT) announced Monday that he would not be seeking re-election in order to make room for the next generation of 70-year-olds entering politics. “It’s time we let some fresh, septuagenarian blood into this place,” said Leahy…

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Energized Chris Christie Ready For Next Chapter Of Humiliation

Mon, 2021-11-15 14:30


MENDHAM, NJ—Saying he was fired up and excited for the chance to debase himself on a bigger stage than ever, former New Jersey governor Chris Christie told reporters Monday that he was ready for the next chapter of his humiliation. “Look, I’ve been out of the limelight for a few months, but I promise you that I’m in a…

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‘Squid Game’ Creator Voluntarily Returns To Netflix After Being Reminded Of What Life Like On Outside

Mon, 2021-11-15 13:00

SEOUL—Saying the decision to return to the cruelty of the streaming giant had almost driven him mad, Squid Game creator Hwang Dong-hyuk told reporters Monday that he had voluntarily returned to Netflix after being reminded of the hellish world outside. “I was scared, I needed the cash, and this was my last resort, but…

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Higher Prices May Force Americans To Eat Reasonable Portions On Thanksgiving

Mon, 2021-11-15 12:55

WASHINGTON—Noting that nearly every ingredient would be more expensive than usual, researchers at the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis warned Monday that higher prices could force Americans to eat reasonable portions on Thanksgiving. “Unfortunately, due to current supply chain issues and labor shortages, Americans may…

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Venomous Sharks Found In Once ‘Biologically Dead’ Thames River

Mon, 2021-11-15 09:00

A new report has revealed that the Thames river, which was previously declared “biologically dead,” has recovered enough to host over 115 species of fish, including venomous sharks called Spurdogs. What do you think?

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Carson Wentz’s Helmet Radio Won’t Stop Ringing After Answering Call From Telemarketer

Sun, 2021-11-14 15:00

INDIANAPOLIS—Cursing as yet another call interrupted a fade route to T.Y. Hilton, Colts quarterback Carson Wentz confirmed Sunday that his helmet radio won’t stop ringing despite answering just a single call from a telemarketer last week. “Jesus Christ, I answer one unknown number that I thought might be our offensive…

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Portugal Bans Bosses From Texting Employees After Work Hours

Fri, 2021-11-12 17:21

The Portuguese parliament has passed a law making it illegal for employers to contact employees after work hours, in a move to promote healthier work-life balance amid a surge of home workers during the coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?

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Zoo Assures Public Escaped Leopard Will Kill Them Quickly

Fri, 2021-11-12 14:55

SAN DIEGO—In an effort to reduce fears and concerns about the loose jungle cat, the San Diego Zoo assured the public Friday that an escaped leopard would kill them quickly. “Rest assured that if you cross paths with this escaped leopard, you will be dead before you even think about being scared,” said zookeeper Lloyd…

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Unmistakable Signs You Are Dating A Narcissist

Fri, 2021-11-12 13:40

If your romantic partner isn’t constantly full of self-loathing to the point that they can barely function, it’s a sign you may be dealing with a seriously deranged individual.

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The Onion’s Guide To Tea

Fri, 2021-11-12 12:05

Tea is the most popular beverage in the world after water, but learning about and enjoying tea can be intimidating to newcomers. The Onion offers a helpful guide to everything you need to know about tea.

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Vatican Museum Displays Massive Skeletons Of Prehistoric Saints

Fri, 2021-11-12 09:00

THE VATICAN—As part of a yearlong exhibit celebrating the massive fossilized holy men, the Vatican Natural History Museum opened its collection of prehistoric saint skeletons to the public, sources confirmed Thursday. “Now for the first time, visitors can get up close and really appreciate the size of these beatified…

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Vienna Brothel Offering Free Session To Customers Who Get Covid-19 Vaccination Onsite

Fri, 2021-11-12 09:00

A brothel in Vienna is providing Covid-19 vaccinations and giving those who take up the offer a 30-minute session with a “lady of their choice” if they get the vaccine at the on-site clinic. What do you think?

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Park Ranger Slips Fat Fish To Bear Before Gesturing Towards Littering Family He Wants Mauled

Fri, 2021-11-12 09:00

HEALY, AK—Huddled behind the brush as he watched the oblivious family of five move about their camp, Denali National Park ranger Edward Hardin slipped a fat fish to a bear and then gestured toward the littering individuals he wanted to have mauled, sources confirmed Friday. “We don’t need any more trouble, if you know…

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Paul Rudd Named ‘People’ Magazine’s 2021 Sexiest Man Alive

Thu, 2021-11-11 17:51

People magazine has officially named 52-year-old actor Paul Rudd, known for his roles in Clueless, Ant-Man, and soon to appear in Ghostbusters: Afterlife, as the publication’s “Sexiest Man Alive” for 2021. What do you think?

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