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Updated: 11 hours 29 min ago

Man’s Crippling, Overpowering Need To Be Liked By Everyone Apparently Not Affecting His Behavior

Tue, 2019-07-09 10:41

CHICAGO—Despite never once using his supposed people-pleasing nature to help another person, support anyone, or validate someone’s feelings, Chicago resident Ryan McCormack’s crippling, overpowering need to be liked apparently doesn’t affect his behavior, sources confirmed Tuesday. A constant, intrusive voice in the…

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Neighborhood Grosser

Tue, 2019-07-09 10:36
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Woman On Third Level Of Purgatory Tired Of Being Passed Over For Advancement By Less Penitent Men

Tue, 2019-07-09 10:25

PURGATORY—Confessing that she often despaired of moving up from Purgatory’s Third Terrace, banished soul Edith Barenhold said Tuesday that she was tired of being passed over for advancement by less penitent men. “I’ve been stuck among the Wrathful for hundreds of years, really putting in the work, and suddenly these…

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Jeffrey Epstein Swears He Didn’t Know Sex-Trafficking Ring Was Underage

Mon, 2019-07-08 16:43

NEW YORK—Defending himself against the charges he faces from federal prosecutors, billionaire financier Jeffrey Epstein repeatedly swore Monday that he didn’t know the sex-trafficking ring he ran was underage. “I admit they were young-looking, but I was completely unaware that the large network of girls I was sexually…

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Defense Attorneys Vow To Present Irrefutable Evidence Proving Jeffrey Epstein Billionaire

Mon, 2019-07-08 12:58

NEW YORK—Addressing the “gross injustice” behind their client’s recent arrest, defense attorneys told reporters Monday that they vow to present irrefutable evidence proving that Jeffrey Epstein is a billionaire. “Frankly, it’s disgusting for anyone to assume that Mr. Epstein would have a net worth of anything less…

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NRA Insists That Most Recent Mass Shooting Does Not Accurately Reflect Potential Deadliness Of Firearm

Mon, 2019-07-08 12:27

FAIRFAX, VA—Noting that the weapons used in recent mass shootings were designed to wreak far more havoc, officials with the National Rifle Association held a press conference Monday, insisting that the fatalities racked up in the recent string of mass shootings do not accurately reflect the potential deadliness of the…

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Area Man Always Thought He’d Squander His Life Differently

Mon, 2019-07-08 11:30

LAWRENCE, KS—Admitting that he never pictured frittering away his time on Earth in quite this fashion, part-time retail employee Michael Storrs, 34, told sources Monday that he always thought he’d squander his life differently. “If you had asked me, when I was younger, how I’d waste whatever potential I have, I’d have…

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Brother, Sister Have Pretty Good Chemistry

Mon, 2019-07-08 11:10

CHICAGO—Noting that the siblings have “an adorable back-and-forth,” sources confirmed Monday that 22-year-old Dan Callan and his 19-year-old sister Autumn have “pretty good chemistry.” “Anyone who knows the Callan kids notices how they really seem to vibe each other. They talk for hours, and since they have a ton in…

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Breaking: It Not Too Late To Take Advantage Of The Onion’s Independence Day Mattress Sale

Fri, 2019-07-05 10:24

CHICAGO—Announcing that the unbeatable selection of deals and steals had been extended through the long holiday weekend, a late-breaking report released Friday confirmed that it’s not too late to take advantage of The Onion’s Independence Day mattress sale. “There’s never been a better time to score major savings with…

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Passersby Feel Sorry For Aging Deep Blue Sitting At Washington Square Park Chess Table All Day

Fri, 2019-07-05 10:19

NEW YORK—Saying that it seems no one has engaged with the blank-screened twin-rack supercomputer in weeks, neighborhood sources felt sorry for IBM supercomputer Deep Blue Friday, which has spent its retirement sitting at the Washington Square Park chess tables. “Deep Blue used to be a legend, right up there with Nate…

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Savvy Pornography Director Includes Preliminary Shot Of Penis That Will Go Off By End Of Film

Fri, 2019-07-05 10:16

LOS ANGELES—Describing Petite Blonde Sucks Off Older Brother as “a masterclass in narrative suspense,” critics praised pornographer Axel Daniels’s savvy storytelling acumen Friday for including a preliminary shot of the protagonist’s penis in order to foreshadow it going off later in the story. “Presaging Jax’s…

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Entitled Burger King Employee Wants $15 An Hour Just For Dealing With Worst Of America Every Day

Wed, 2019-07-03 09:00

TOLEDO, OH—Appalled by the level of deluded selfishness of millennials in the labor force, citizens expressed shock and disbelief Wednesday at the news that Burger King employee Kayla Werther expects to be paid $15 an hour for the simple task of dealing with the absolute worst of America every day. “This kid thinks…

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Italy To Host 2026 Winter Olympics

Tue, 2019-07-02 11:00

Italy will host the 2026 Winter Olympic Games in Milan-Cortina, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced last week, beating out Stockholm as the host city for the upcoming games. What do you think?

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Baby Crow’s First Word ‘Caw’

Tue, 2019-07-02 09:00
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God Orders All Followers To Swallow Cyanide Capsules In Preparation For Voyage To Alpha Centauri

Mon, 2019-07-01 11:00

THE HEAVENS—Assuring His disciples that they would meet again in the next world, God, Our Heavenly Father and the Creator of the Universe, ordered His followers to swallow cyanide capsules Monday in preparation for their voyage to Alpha Centauri. “Join Me! We embark on our cosmic journey into the farthest reaches of…

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Supreme Court Rejects Adding Census Citizenship Question

Mon, 2019-07-01 10:00

In a blow to the Trump administration, the Supreme Court ruled that there was no reasonable rationale put forth for adding a citizenship question to the U.S. Census, a move that many have argued has a racially and politically discriminatory motive. What do you think?

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Extremely Effective Therapist Just Lets Patients Beat Shit Out Of Him For 45 Minutes

Mon, 2019-07-01 09:00

SAN FRANCISCO—Acknowledging that some of his clients have to overcome some initial hesitation, cognitive therapist Dr. Daniel Boyer spoke Monday regarding his innovative technique of simply allowing his patients to beat the living shit out of him for 45 minutes. “Sometimes I fight back at first, but it’s important for…

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Mueller To Testify Before Congress

Fri, 2019-06-28 13:59

After being subpoenaed by the House of Representatives, Special Counsel Robert Mueller agreed to testify before Congress about his investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election and Donald Trump’s alleged obstruction of justice. What do you think?

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