The Onion

Syndicate content
America’s Finest News Source
Updated: 14 hours 15 min ago

Public Alert: The CDC Has Issued A Recall For All Romaine Lettuce Because It’s Time For Pizza!

Mon, 2018-04-23 14:13

If you haven’t heard the news yet, pay attention, because there’s been an urgent public alert issued by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: Effective immediately, there is a nationwide recall for all romaine lettuce because it’s time for pizza!

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Bowing Out: Justin Timberlake Has Retired From Singing After Realizing That You Can Just Work In An Office

Mon, 2018-04-23 10:00

One of pop music’s most iconic superstars just announced that he’s stepping away from the microphone for good. Earlier today, Justin Timberlake issued a statement letting the world know that he’s retiring from singing after realizing you can just work in an office.

Wow. This is truly the end of an era.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Conversation At Other End Of Table Sounds Way More Interesting

Mon, 2018-04-23 09:47

TUSTIN, CA—According to sources nodding along to a coworker’s story about vacation home rentals, the conversation happening between strangers at the other end of the communal table at the Ocean Walk Café sounds way more interesting. “I can’t tell exactly what they’re talking about, but just listen to them—they’re…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘Nothing Is More Attractive Than Confidence,’ Says Woman Who Has Apparently Never Seen Sonic The Hedgehog Cosplay

Mon, 2018-04-23 09:44

DENVER, CO—Naively insisting that we seek partners with the confidence to be comfortable in their own skin, Denver systems analyst Jennifer Thomas, 32, stated Monday that “nothing is more attractive than confidence,” clearly demonstrating that she has never seen Sonic the Hedgehog cosplay. “Being secure with who you…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Cuba Names New President To Succeed Raúl Castro

Mon, 2018-04-23 09:41

The Communist Party of Cuba formally announced the presidency’s transition from Raúl Castro to 56-year-old Miguel Diaz-Canel, ending nearly 60 years of Castro family rule. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Local History Museum Really Digging Deep To Fill 2 15-By-20-Foot Rooms

Mon, 2018-04-23 09:39

HOPKINTON, NH—After viewing several topographical maps, an old wagon wheel, and a few rusting farm implements, visitors to Hopkinton’s local history museum confirmed Monday that the curators had clearly dug deep to fill the two 15-by-20-foot rooms at their disposal. “The first room had photos of the town’s past and a…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Most Shocking Revelations Of The Comey Memos

Fri, 2018-04-20 17:06

A series of memos written by former FBI director James Comey and released to Congress Thursday by the Justice Department provide more insight into his relationship with President Donald Trump, as well as offer information pertinent to the ongoing investigation into his administration’s ties to Russia. The Onion

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

North, South Korea In Talks To Announce End To 68-Year Korean War

Fri, 2018-04-20 15:46

An intelligence source revealed that an upcoming talk between Kim Jong-un and Moon Jae-in could result in the announcement of an end to the Korean War 68 years after the conflict began. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘Politics Was Never This Toxic In The 2010s,’ Says Future American While Watching Candidates Battle In 2048 Debate Pits

Fri, 2018-04-20 15:11

NEO-SEATTLE—Decrying the lack of decorum on display, an American from decades in the future remarked that politics was never this toxic “back in the 2010s,” shaking his head as he watched the leading presidential candidates of 2048 fight to the death in blood-soaked debate pits.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

DNC Files Lawsuit Alleging Nation Should Never, Ever Stop Focusing On 2016 Election

Fri, 2018-04-20 14:25

WASHINGTON—Demanding greater accountability for the race’s outcome, the Democratic National Committee reportedly filed a multimillion-dollar lawsuit Friday alleging that the nation should never, ever stop focusing on the 2016 presidential election. “Our lawsuit lays out, in no uncertain terms, that the nation should…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Long John Silver’s Customer Finds Deep-Fried Poseidon Head In Value Meal

Fri, 2018-04-20 14:17

CINCINNATI—Causing a wave of disgust and outrage among his fellow diners, local man Tobin Sullivan said Friday that, to his horrified surprise, he had found the deep-fried head of Poseidon, the Greek god of the sea, in his $8.99 Two Fish And Six Shrimp Combo Platter. “I was eating my fish when I noticed what looked…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

This Chilling Video Of George W. Bush And John Kerry Singing ‘This Land Is Your Land’ Shows How Easy It Is To Use Digital Facial Mapping To Fake Anyone Doing Anything

Fri, 2018-04-20 12:59

After the 2016 election, it became clear just how successfully trolls and foreign enemies have been using the internet to undermine the democratic process. Unfortunately, technological advancements are guaranteeing that the problem’s only going to get worse before it gets any better. Want proof? This disturbing video…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Absolutely Heartbreaking: The Editor Of Snopes Just Listed His Marriage Of 28 Years As A Hoax

Fri, 2018-04-20 11:00

We all want to believe that love lasts forever, but the editor of Snopes, Patrick Gourley, just busted that myth wide open: He has officially listed his marriage of 28 years as a hoax.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Starbucks To Close 8,000 Stores For Racial Bias Training

Fri, 2018-04-20 09:58

After a wave of protests in response to the arrest of two black customers in a Philadelphia store, global coffee chain said they will close 8,000 stores on May 29 to give employees racial bias training. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Child At That Awkward Age Where No One Cares What He Thinks And He’s Constantly In The Way

Fri, 2018-04-20 09:57

HARTFORD, CT—Acknowledging that their second-grader had reached “that uncomfortable stage” far earlier than most of his peers, the parents of 8-year-old Kyle Fiedler confirmed Friday that he was at that awkward age where no one cares what he thinks and he’s constantly in the way. “Kyle’s just going through that phase…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion