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Updated: 46 min 46 sec ago

‘Who Sent You Here,’ Whispers Woman To Big Tray Of Cheese Danishes Confronting Her In Break Room

Wed, 2018-07-25 11:58

NEW YORK—Her heart pounding, her hands balling reflexively into fists, and her eyes furtively darting around the room for potential witnesses to her confrontation with her old nemesis, systems analyst and supposedly former pastry enthusiast Katy Gilmartin found herself whispering “Who? Who sent you here?” to the large…

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Mauled Shop

Wed, 2018-07-25 11:28
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Papa John’s Add ‘Poison Pill’ Provision To Prevent Founder From Returning

Wed, 2018-07-25 10:52

The Papa John’s board of directors adopted a so-called “poison pill” provision aimed to prevent former CEO John Schnatter from gaining more control of the company after he used the N-word on a conference call. What do you think?

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Embittered Raisin Won’t Shut Up About How It Could Have Been Wine

Tue, 2018-07-24 15:19

FRESNO, CA—Noting that the constant arrogant comments were starting to irritate the entire 22-ounce canister of dried fruit, sources reported Tuesday that an embittered raisin wouldn’t shut up about how, if only the right opportunity had come along, it could have been wine. “This raisin just goes on and on, telling us…

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R. Kelly Releases 19-Minute Song Addressing Sexual Assault

Tue, 2018-07-24 15:00

Facing numerous sexual assault allegations, R&B singer R. Kelly released “I Admit,” a 19-minute song in which he denies accusation of pedophilia and sexual slavery while admitting to other mistakes. What do you think?

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Myth Vs. Fact: Sunscreen

Tue, 2018-07-24 14:36
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ICE Opens New Supermax Detention Center For Most Hardened Toddlers

Tue, 2018-07-24 14:25

CORNUDAS, TX—In response to growing issues with its population of juvenile detainees, the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency reportedly announced on Tuesday the opening of a new supermax detention center to house its most hardened toddlers. “The Hudspeth County Maximum Correctional Facility is designed to…

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27-Year-Old Unsure Whether He Can Pull Off Keeping Framed Picture Of Wife On Desk

Tue, 2018-07-24 13:02

CLEVELAND, OH—Carefully evaluating the effect that displaying the photograph would have on the image of someone his age, 27-year-old systems analyst Martin Lambert disclosed Tuesday that he was unsure if he could pull off keeping a framed picture of his wife on his office desk. “On the one hand, it would absolutely be…

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More Young Adults Are Dying From Alcohol-Related Illnesses

Tue, 2018-07-24 12:15

A recent report found that annual death rates from alcohol-related illnesses jumped an average of 10 percent each year in the past decade for people between the ages of 25 and 34. What do you think?

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Nana J. Reclaims Top Spot From Gram Gram Following Exceptional Birthday Outing

Tue, 2018-07-24 12:01

GUTHRIE CENTER, IA—Explaining how the matriarch had upstaged the competition with impressive decorations, thoughtful gifts, and delicious cake, area 9-year-old Lucy Astrid confirmed Tuesday that her Nana J. reclaimed the top spot from her Gram Gram following an exceptional birthday outing last week. “Gram Gram was…

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Confused Mueller Reminds Nation Russia Investigation Wrapped Up Months Ago

Mon, 2018-07-23 17:28

WASHINGTON—Taking a moment from his now-mundane life to address any lingering uncertainty about the outcome of the highly publicized legal ordeal, a confused Robert Mueller was forced to remind the nation Monday that the Russia Investigation wrapped up months ago. “Wait, doesn’t anyone remember? We arrested a bunch of…

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Rare Mutation Allows Bajau People To Stay Underwater For 2 Minutes

Mon, 2018-07-23 15:54

Researchers found that the Bajau people—residents of the Philippines and Malaysia renowned for their free-diving abilities—inherited their breath-holding capacities genetically through enlarged spleens. What do you think? 

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Bee Wishes It Could Hang Around Open Soda Can Without Everybody Freaking Out

Mon, 2018-07-23 14:38

SIOUX CITY, IA—Dismayed by the apparent impossibility of finding a nice place to sit for a second without causing a huge commotion, western honey bee HBW/A395-630-G6 reportedly wished Monday that it could hang around its traditional resting place, an open soda can, without people totally freaking out. “Jesus Christ,…

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