The Onion

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Updated: 12 hours 58 min ago

Demon Kicking Self For Inhabiting Child When He Could’ve Possessed Someone Who Could Buy A Gun

Mon, 2020-01-06 12:37

GUILFORD, CT—Disappointed that his efforts thus far could best be defined as minor mischief, the cacodemon Artaraz, known as Chamberlain of the Void, Lord of the Unglimpsed, and He Who Dwells Beyond The Third Seal, confessed Monday to “feeling like a complete idiot” for possessing the mortal form of 6-year-old Chase…

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Report: Everything Slightly Worse Than Yesterday

Mon, 2020-01-06 12:16

NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the phenomenon is barely perceptible on a daily basis yet significant when observed on the whole, the nation’s top qualitative experts released a report Monday confirming that everything in every significant area of life is, in fact, slightly worse than it was yesterday. “While there are by…

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The 10 Greatest Games Of The Past Decade

Mon, 2019-12-30 09:00

The last 10 years have been a period of dramatic evolution in video games. From revolutions in interactive storytelling (remember a time when “walking simulator” and “Souls” weren’t genres?) to significant progress in game creation inclusivity, what defined gaming has mutated into something stranger, more expansive,…

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Best Podcasts Of The Decade

Fri, 2019-12-27 11:00

A spiritual successor to NPR’s breakout Serial, S-Town proved that you didn’t need journalistic integrity, morals, facts, or even any sort of coherent story to craft a moderately received podcast.

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Best Albums Of The Decade

Thu, 2019-12-26 18:00

This album was so good. Oh, wait, are we thinking of Sleep Well Beast? Or was that the other one? Was that the one with “Bloodbuzz Ohio”? We like that one more. Maybe that’s the one we’re thinking of. Did that other one we like more come out in 2010? No, this is the one we like. We think.

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Our Dumb Decade: Best Of 2018

Thu, 2019-12-26 13:05
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Trent Reznor Ruins 31st Consecutive Holiday Season By Talking About How Christianity A Bunch Of Bullshit

Wed, 2019-12-25 10:00

MERCER, PA—Retreating to his room after yet another screaming argument, Nine Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor reportedly spoiled his family’s Christmas gathering for the 31st year in a row Wednesday by continually interrupting relatives to tell them their religion was total bullshit.. “It’s the same thing every year:…

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Best TV Shows Of The Decade

Tue, 2019-12-24 16:00

A revealing documentary series exploring the occult, esoteric British subculture of preparing food with dry heat, otherwise known as baking.

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Our Dumb Decade: Best Of 2017

Tue, 2019-12-24 10:00
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Devastated Family Struggling To Get Through First Christmas Since Dad Returned

Tue, 2019-12-24 09:00

TUSCALOOSA, AL—Admitting they were sorting through their heartbreak weeks after the tragedy, members of Sarpino family struggled to get through their first Christmas since their father returned, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Honestly, we’ve tried to just soldier through and enjoy what we can of baking cookies and…

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Best Movies Of The Decade

Mon, 2019-12-23 14:00

Proved that working for a long time on something is basically the same as it being good.

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Our Dumb Decade: Best Of 2016

Mon, 2019-12-23 08:00
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Our Dumb Decade: Best Of 2015

Sun, 2019-12-22 09:34
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Our Dumb Decade: Best Of 2014

Sat, 2019-12-21 10:00
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Report: Make It Stop

Fri, 2019-12-20 15:08

EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Friday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too far…

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Tips For Displaying Artwork In Your Home

Fri, 2019-12-20 14:58

Whether it’s a child’s drawing or an expensive piece, artwork can really make a difference in how a home looks and feels. The Onion offers tips for displaying works of art in your home.

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Prominent Evangelical Magazine Calls For Removing Trump From Holy Trinity

Fri, 2019-12-20 14:49

CAROL STREAM, IL—In a scathing opinion piece published Thursday by Christianity Today, the evangelical magazine’s editor-in-chief Mark Galli made the case for President Trump’s removal from the Holy Trinity. “The president has demonstrated repeatedly that he lacks the ethical convictions necessary for us to continue…

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Americans Tune In Reduced-Field Democratic Debate

Fri, 2019-12-20 14:28

Featuring a narrowed field of only seven candidates, Democratic frontrunners Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and Pete Buttigieg took the stage last night alongside other candidates to provide viewers with further insight into their campaigns for presidency in the last debate of the year. What do you think?

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