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Highlights Of The Democratic Primary Debate Day 2

Fri, 2019-06-28 13:25

On Thursday night in Miami, Democratic presidential candidates Michael Bennet, Joe Biden, Pete Buttigieg, Kirsten Gillibrand, Kamala Harris, John Hickenlooper, Bernie Sanders, Eric Swalwell, Marianne Williamson, and Andrew Yang participated in the second of two nights of the party’s initial primary debates. The Onion

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CD Projekt Red Announces ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Will Have A Gender-Neutral Character Creator, However Everyone Will Be Christian

Fri, 2019-06-28 12:56

CD Projekt Red has already dropped a lot of fascinating info about Cyberpunk 2077 recently, including tons of information on the in-depth character-creation system. But just yesterday, quest director Mataeusz Tomaszkiewicz shed even more light on one of the game’s coolest aspects, telling reporters that the creation…

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Illinois Legalizes Marijuana

Fri, 2019-06-28 10:47

Becoming the 11th state to allow the substance for recreational use, Governor J.B. Pritzker signed bill legalizing marijuana in Illinois starting on January 1, 2020. What do you think?

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Experts Say Earliest Warning Signs Of Mental Health Issues Usually Crossing Eyes While Dribbling Finger On Lips, Saying ‘Cuckoo, Cuckoo’

Fri, 2019-06-28 10:33

STANFORD, CA—Hoping to raise awareness of a frequently stigmatized and misunderstood issue, experts at Stanford Medical School’s Department of Psychiatry And Behavioral Sciences concluded Friday that the earliest warning signs of declining mental health usually include a compulsion to cross one’s eyes while dribbling…

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Naked Andrew Yang Emerges From Time Vortex To Warn Debate Audience About Looming Threat Of Automation

Thu, 2019-06-27 21:30

MIAMI—In an unexpected interruption of the night’s scheduled DNC debate programming, a naked and visibly agitated Andrew Yang emerged from the howling chaos of an irising time vortex Thursday to warn the debate audience about the looming threat of automation. “Arm yourselves, citizens, and keep your courage and your…

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Trump Picks Stephanie Grisham As New Press Secretary

Thu, 2019-06-27 15:54

First lady Melania Trump’s communications director Stephanie Grisham will be the new White House press secretary, replacing Sarah Huckabee Sanders as the new press-facing voice of the administration. What do you think?

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Highlights Of The Democratic Primary Debate Day 1

Thu, 2019-06-27 14:12

On Wednesday night in Miami, Democratic presidential candidates Cory Booker, Julian Castro, Bill de Blasio, John Delaney, Tulsi Gabbard, Jay Inslee, Amy Klobuchar, Beto O’Rourke, Tim Ryan, and Elizabeth Warren participated in the first of two nights of the party’s initial primary debates. The Onion highlights the most…

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Breaking New Ground: Beto O’Rourke Has Become The First Presidential Candidate Available As A ‘Smash Ultimate’ DLC Fighter

Thu, 2019-06-27 13:57

Watch out, Smash players! A new foe has appeared. The Beto O’Rourke campaign just broke new ground recently by making Beto the first presidential candidate available as a Super Smash Bros. Ultimate DLC fighter.

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OSHA Special Ops Team Raids Local Office After Receiving Intel On Expired Fire Extinguisher

Thu, 2019-06-27 09:09

OMAHA, NE—OSHA Special Ops recon scouts abseiled through skylights as breach-teams crashed simultaneously through multiple windows with drawn M4 carbines Thursday to launch an Occupational Safety and Health Administration raid on a local office, mere hours after receiving intel on a possible expired fire extinguisher.…

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Historians Reveal Aqueducts Were Only Small Portion Of Ancient Rome’s Intricate Water Park System

Thu, 2019-06-27 08:52

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In what is being hailed as a groundbreaking discovery in the study of classical civilization, historians at Harvard University published findings Thursday that show the aqueducts were but a small part of a vast, sophisticated system of water parks that once spanned the Roman Empire.

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Driver Kind Of Bummed To See Other Car He Been Driving Behind For A While Take Exit Off Highway

Thu, 2019-06-27 08:40

EDISON, NJ—Gazing wistfully at the maroon 2004 Nissan Altima sedan as it put on its right blinker and merged toward an oncoming off-ramp, motorist Jack Warren admitted Thursday he was “kind of bummed out, really” to see the car he had been driving behind for almost 45 minutes exit off the highway. “Man, we’ve been…

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Pence Declines To Say Whether Climate Change A Threat

Thu, 2019-06-27 08:28

In an interview with Jake Tapper, Vice President Mike Pence repeatedly refused to say whether he believed climate change was a man-made threat to humanity, despite an overwhelming scientific consensus from researchers within the U.S. government that it is. What do you think?

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13.5 Million Americans Tune In To Watch Animal Planet’s ‘Puppy Parley’ During DNC Debate Halftime Show

Wed, 2019-06-26 22:27

MIAMI—Calling the program an “adorable” and “pooch-tastic” alternative to NBC’s broadcast, 13.5 million Americans reportedly tuned in Wednesday night to watch Animal Planet’s Puppy Parley during the DNC Debate Halftime Show. “Normally I don’t like politics, but when I saw all the cute puppies frolicking at their own…

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Presidential Debate Sidetracked By Booker, De Blasio Arguing About Best Place In Lower Manhattan To Get Tapas

Wed, 2019-06-26 21:59

MIAMI—Night one of the first Democratic presidential debate was sidetracked Wednesday by Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ) and New York mayor Bill DeBlasio ignoring the moderator’s questions about student loan debt and arguing about the best place in Lower Manhattan to get tapas. “Excuse me, I’m sorry, senator, but for you…

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Lester Holt Begins Debate By Reiterating He Doesn’t Know Who These Fucking People Are

Wed, 2019-06-26 21:05

NEW YORK—Pausing briefly to address the issue as he spoke to the candidates, moderator Lester Holt reportedly began Wednesday night’s Democratic presidential debate by reiterating that he doesn’t know who most of these fucking people are. “I’d like to start tonight’s debate by making it clear that I couldn’t even…

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Norfolk Tides Third Baseman Sent Down To Baltimore Orioles

Wed, 2019-06-26 16:05

BALTIMORE, MD—Hoping to give the still-developing prospect more time to find his game, the Norfolk Tides announced Wednesday that third-baseman Anderson Feliz would be sent down to the Baltimore Orioles. “Feliz has been dealing with a couple of injuries and he’s had a little bit of a slump, so we think this will be a…

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