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Updated: 9 hours 42 min ago

CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY ONE: Jesus Christ Cancels Return To Earth Amid Pandemic

Mon, 2020-03-30 16:35

OPR is sheltering in place and podcasting from home. But that won’t stop host Leslie Price from bringing you all the day’s top stories, including why the Son of God’s triumphant second coming may be suspended indefinitely.

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‘What Is This Strange Sensation,’ Announces Nation Putting On Shoes For First Time In A While

Mon, 2020-03-30 16:19

CHICAGO—With confusion descending upon the U.S. populace as it struggled to grasp what was happening to their bodies, a largely quarantined nation announced, “What is this strange sensation,” Monday after slipping on shoes for the first time in a while to step outside for some fresh air. “It’s such a weird feeling,…

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Neanderthals Ate Seafood Including Sharks And Dolphins

Mon, 2020-03-30 16:12

New evidence suggests Neanderthals consumed a diverse diet that included sealife like seals, mussels, crabs, and fish, contradicting previous theories that eating protein-rich marine resources was unique to early humans and contributed to their increased brain development. What do you think?

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Instacart Employees Plan Nationwide Strike Monday

Mon, 2020-03-30 15:00

Employees for Instacart announced plans to strike Monday, saying they want the company to provide personal protective equipment, hazard pay and expanded pay for workers affected by coronavirus. What do you think?

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New Report Finds Americans Willing To Trust Scientific Knowledge Of Anyone Holding Glass Beaker Up To Light

Mon, 2020-03-30 14:04

WASHINGTON—A new report released Monday by the Pew Research Center Monday revealed that Americans were much more willing to trust the scientific knowledge of anyone holding a glass beaker up to the light. “It doesn’t matter if it’s a graduated cylinder or Erlenmeyer flask, if it contains a bright, colorful liquid and…

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Psychologists: So-Called ‘Dr. Fauci’ Just A Figment Of Nation’s Collective Imagination

Mon, 2020-03-30 13:57

WASHINGTON—Revealing that the mental projection represented the combined hopes and needs of a deeply unsettled populace, psychology experts announced Monday that the figure referred to by Americans as “Dr. Anthony Fauci” was merely a figment of the nation’s collective imagination. “In trying times like these, it’s…

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New Unhinged PETA Ad Warns That Once You Put Googly Eyes On A Banana, Eating It Is Murder

Mon, 2020-03-30 12:39

NORFOLK, VA—Panning over a disembodied hand as it applied Elmer’s glue to a blurry, yellow peel, an unhinged new PETA ad released Monday warned viewers that once you put googly eyes on a banana, eating it is murder. “You may think bananas are just some sweet, delicious snack, but what if your banana didn’t just have…

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8 Photos Of You, The Reader

Mon, 2020-03-30 12:25

This is you.

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Amazon Announces Unlimited Time Off, Increased Health Benefits For All Warehouse Robots

Mon, 2020-03-30 11:20

SEATTLE—Saying that the move represented the least the company could do to help its millions of automated workers, Amazon announced Monday that they would be offering unlimited time off and increased health benefits for all warehouse robots. “Today, we’re announcing vastly expanded health coverage, so that none of our…

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Scientists Discover Earliest Common Ancestor To All Animal Life

Fri, 2020-03-27 17:27

Researchers at the University of California say a worm-like creature that lived on the ocean floor 555 million years ago is the earliest known bilaterian, an organism that has two symmetrical sides and a distinct front and back connected by a continuous gut. What do you think?

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Trump Announces Plan To Retrain Nation’s 3 Million Unemployed Americans As Human Ventilators

Fri, 2020-03-27 16:44

WASHINGTON—Taking drastic action to address the country’s critical medical supply shortages as well as rising jobless claims, President Donald Trump announced a plan Friday to retrain the nation’s 3 million unemployed Americans to work as human ventilators. “We’re going to put Americans back to work by teaching them…

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Doctors Encourage More Women To Regularly Perform Breast Self-Exams To See If They Need Implants

Fri, 2020-03-27 16:32

It’s a simple procedure you can do at home, and it only takes a few minutes each month. Hear how performing this routine check-up yourself could change your life.

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Kawhi Leonard Misses Second Consecutive Family Game Night Citing Load Management

Fri, 2020-03-27 15:53

RANCHO SANTA FE, CA—Saying that his personal health had to remain top priority no matter the demands of the job, Clippers superstar Kawhi Leonard missed his second consecutive family game night Friday due to load management. “Playing game after game of Uno takes a physical and mental toll, so I need to rest up and not…

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What’s In Congress’ Coronavirus Stimulus Bill

Fri, 2020-03-27 15:19

After days of frenzied negotiations, Congress passed a $2 trillion stimulus package to address economic issues caused by the coronavirus, the largest such aid package in U.S. history. The Onion takes a look at what’s in the stimulus bill.

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Americans Look For Ways To Help During Coronavirus Pandemic

Fri, 2020-03-27 14:30

Though shelter-in-place orders are keeping many homebound, Americans are finding ways to help those in need by giving blood, donating to food banks, and pledging money to nonprofits that provide financial assistance to people who have lost their jobs. What do you think?

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20 Women Throughout History And 5 From The Future

Fri, 2020-03-27 14:22

Cleopatra: A highly influential Egyptian leader who helped spread bangs throughout the Ptolemaic dynasty.

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Global Pandemic That Has Killed Thousands Giving Woman Just The Push She Needed To Organize Tupperware Cabinet

Fri, 2020-03-27 13:41

CHICAGO—Basking in the satisfaction of finally getting around to tackle a long-awaited project, local woman Carrie Wilhelm reportedly reflected Friday that the global coronavirus pandemic that has killed thousands gave her just the push she needed to organize her Tupperware cabinet. “I’ve been putting off organizing…

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