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Updated: 16 hours 11 min ago

Obesity Rates Falling Among U.S. Preschoolers

Mon, 2019-06-24 11:38

Obesity rates among U.S. preschoolers have dropped from 16% in 2010 to 14% this year, offering hope that school dietary changes may have helped curb the health epidemic. What do you think?

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John Bolton Urges War Against The Sun After Uncovering Evidence It Has Nuclear Capabilities

Mon, 2019-06-24 11:15

WASHINGTON—Amid escalating tensions with the hostile celestial object, National Security Adviser John Bolton argued for military action against the Sun Monday after being presented with evidence it has nuclear capabilities. “Newly collected intelligence shows the Sun, day after day, generating extreme levels of…

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Wretched Outcast Woman With Combination Skin Forever Trapped Between Dry And Oily Worlds

Mon, 2019-06-24 10:46

BROOKLYN—Doomed to wander the Earth imprisoned by a complexion requiring both mattifying and hydrating products, sources confirmed Monday that wretched outcast of a woman Hattie Jean was forever trapped between the realms of the dry and the oily due to her accursed combination skin. “No matter where I go, whether…

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5 Things To Know About Tulsi Gabbard

Mon, 2019-06-24 09:15
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Hero Coworker Contributes Single Tissue To Water Spill Cleanup Efforts At Next Desk

Mon, 2019-06-24 09:12

CINCINNATI—Springing into action within moments of seeing the plastic cup topple over, hero coworker Brian Alvarez contributed a single tissue to the water-spill cleanup efforts at the desk of an officemate, sources at Bridgemeyer Marketing Services stated Monday. Several reports indicated that Alvarez selflessly…

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Nenê Wins NBA’s Tenth Man Of The Year Award

Mon, 2019-06-24 09:09

HOUSTON—Commemorating the veteran big man for the minutes worth of contributions he made to a great Rockets team, Nenê Hilario was honored as the Tenth Man Of The Year at Monday night’s NBA Awards. “Whether he was high-fiving teammates after a timeout or setting a couple ball screens while the starters rested, Nenê…

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Nation’s Men Holding Acoustic Guitars Announce Plan To Idly Strum While You Try To Talk To Them

Mon, 2019-06-24 09:08

WASHINGTON—Fingering a few chords while approaching the lectern at the press conference, the nation’s men holding acoustic guitars announced their plans Monday to idly strum while you try to speak to them. “We believe the best response to any attempt to engage us in conversation is to nod our heads while tinkering…

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